Reality /Performance / Results
Wahoo, the ‘webisode’ isn’t even on the Rockstar site yet, but I have recapped it for you. How l33t am I?
You know, I almost miss Zayra. Oh no wait, I don’t. Haha. I should also apologise for not talking about how when Supernova did their song, they did it on film rather than video, and how I should have mentioned that it was obviously pre-recorded. But I didn’t. But if you care that much, you’d have read all that on the forums. Unless you’re relying exclusively on me to tell you all about all the Supernova scandal. Oh god, the pressure!
And speaking of pressure, that’s what the rockers are feeling now that the Zar Crash is gone. They say it’s quieter in the house without her, and that her goodbye speech was great. Dilana interviews that it was very ballsy of Zayra to go up with an original, because singing an original song undresses you. And reveals your lotion and your thong, apparently.
Storm drinks a toast to Dilana, front woman of Supernova, while Dilana looks smug. And Storm wants a go singing the song too. Really? Why? Let’s face it – it was a pretty shitty song. Dilana’s all “you might have a chance to” and interviews that she can’t imagine anyone else fronting the band now. Oh Dilana, you are the new JD. I love the way the editors have made me hate you so.
Toby pies Ryan in the face for getting the encore and Ryan looks like he’s pretending to pretend to cry. But we don’t have time to dwell on that, because the press are coming to do a junket interview with the rockers, and this means we must all keep our fingers crossed for another “human/beings” revelation, okay? Cross those fingers, and let’s get on with it…
Lukas is all “you have to know how to handle the media” and then when he’s talking to someone from Fox, he is asked if he was a fan of the band growing up, and comes up with the brilliant answer “I actually had sex for the first time listening to Metallica” – for the record the song was ‘Unforgiven’. That’s all very well and true, but you don’t see me auditioning for Aspen now do you? Heh. Toby is finally clean-shaven and looks much hotter for it. He says he could survive for a year touring with the band depending on what medicinces are created. Storm is told that she shakes like a man when she meets her reporter, who turns out to be the mean journalist, who tells Storm that she’s got nothing special, implies that Toby isn’t a real rocker because he hasn’t got enough tattoos, and asks Magni who he doesn’t like in the house. Magni is like “you’re mean!” and I want to give him a cuddle. Ryan interviews all articulately, except that Jason Newstead walks in while he’s at it, and that flusters him.
Lukas is asked if he thinks anyone is faking it to get the job, and every single person on the internet starts coughing and going *cough Lukas cough cough*, but he says he doesn’t want to dog any person, but that apparently won’t look good in Rolling Stone. Dilana says that she doesn’t think everyone’s hearts and minds are as set to win this thing as hers is, and she knows who is serious and who’s just along for the ride. The reporter says “let’s name those people”, and she says Toby and Magni because he wants to be with his family. Then she’s asked about how she felt when she first heard the song, and she says that she told everyone she loved it, but some people were like “oh I think the lyrics suck”. The reporter says “Who said that?” and everyone on the internet again starts coughing and saying “Um ME!” as loudly as they can. But Dilana says Storm and Ryan hated the lyrics. And then Dilana says Patrice shouldn’t still be here. And Jason says that there’s going to be repercussions any time you say something bad about someone else in the press and I tremor with glee thinking about Dilana getting a roundhouse kick to the face. Dilana tells the mean radio reporter that she wants to strangle Lukas every day, and it makes me giggle. Then the radio interviewer gets ahold of Lukas, and asks him if his sunglasses inside is a rockstar thing. Hehe. He says he’s just hungover, and takes them off, and calls her ‘baby’. She tells him what Dilana said about him being two different people, and so he interviews that Dilana needs to mind her own business, and gets really dicky to the reporter. Hehehe. Oh rockers, how is it that you don’t see when you’re getting played? I mean, apart from Ryan, because he is Mr. In Control. Jason interviews that if the media treats you with disrespect, then you can treat them with disrespect back, that is allowed. How about your fans, Jason? Should you sue them for downloading? Lukas says that that Dilana needs to think before she opens her mouth about someone behind their back on television, and that’s the fine line between professional and punk. Ummm, Lukas, the pot just called to say you’re a negro. Do you like granny smiths? Well, how do you like them apples, bitch?
So with all that bad feeling generated, song selection is going to be interesting. This week there’s two originals, and everyone’s going to want one. The reason Toby and Ryan want to do the originals is because their songs “f*cking rock”. And then Ryan adds “My mom loves my song” and I giggle at the computer, which makes me happy cos he’s normally so serious and Intense. Storm also only wants to do an original, and she says she hasn’t fought enough, and then she says she’ll box for a song. Ryan’s like “that’s not really realistic”. It’s more The Contender cross-over. And Patrice says she’ll stand up all night and not eat and not sleep to win an original, so oh, it’s a Survivor cross-over too. If these guys are so familiar with Mark Burnett’s work, how the hell did they open up to the reporters that much? Except I guess that we didn’t see clips of Patrice and Storm cos they were wiser than Dilana and Lukas. Magni says Patrice should get an original because she’s been in the bottom three 3 times. Aww Magni. And so Patrice gets it. And Storm goes for ‘Cryin’ instead because she thinks she can sing anything. And Magni asks if he can play guitar with her, and if his wife will be happy with Storm sitting on his lap burying his face in her breasts. Storm’s all “your wife loves me and I’m sitting on you like a brother” and Magni’s like “i have two brothers and that has never happened before” and I giggle with glee a little more and remember how in the first week I was all “Storm’s boobs are so fake” and wrote her off for that but now I like her a lot more.
Storm’s doing ‘Cryin’ and that makes me happy because I know that Aerosmith suck, but I used to have the biggest crush on Alicia Silverstone, and she had the same backpack as me in that video, and then I got my mum to make me a dress like she wore in the ‘Amazing’ video. Back to Rockstar though, and Dilana wants ‘Every breath you take’. She should work with Puffy. I’m sure he’d bring his lotion and his thong. So Toby pretends he wants that song, and gets Dilana to run around the pool naked. She says “I ran around the pool naked. Because I’m tough. And I’ve got a hot body…… For a midget”. And those three words almost redeem her to me, but no, I still hate her. For a midget. And Toby says “you look like a twelve year old boy with a wig” and I start to like him a lot more.
Apparently she went for that song because it’s her mother’s favourite song, and she interviews that it’s going to be her best, strongest performance to date, cos she has such a huge connection with the song. Oh really? I can’t help but feel like that means she’s going to fuck it up. And she tries for a falsetto and ends up just huffing it, like the bit in ‘Hush’ when Riley’s trying to use the voice prompt in the lift into the initiative, but of course he can’t because the Gentlemen took away everyone’s voices, and the music makes that “dong! doing!” sound that they always use when people are being dicks, and it makes me happy. Is this going to be her Jordis’s ‘Dream On’ without Jordis’s likeability? Probably. Toby and Ryan are playing pool, and Toby says he wishes she’d shut up, and Ryan’s like “is that her? I thought it was the dog” and Toby says “She’s becoming Jill” and that’s a shout-out to me, right?
Speaking of Jordis, Toby’s singing ‘Layla’and he’s trying to make it sound more like a Supernova track, which probably isn’t such a stupid idea. You know, there’s no sign of Supernova playing on any of these songs, so maybe it’s going to be a surprise performance or maybe they’re too tired from their original number to play again. Magni is singing ‘Teen Spirit’ (dammit, back to the Nirvana) but he’s sick, poor baby. Ryan’s singing his original song, called ‘Back of your car’ which is about the world coming to an end, and there’s people in the church praying and there’s people making love. Who will you be? Paul interviews that Ryan is funny to work with (read: an ass) because he micromanages. And he tries to teach Jim a dance-move. Fuck you, Ryan, Jim is teh awesome, and needs no teaching. He could learn you a thing or too. But I like the sound of Ryan’s song, and I’m (as always) looking forward to Wednesday.
Oh, and over the credits, they show footage of Magni handling the “what do you think about Lukas’s make-up?” with incredible grace (“oh, I thought that was just his face, that he was some sort of weird Canadian breed”) and Ryan interviewing that he grew up reading Teen and Vogue and that they’re better magazines to read than Maxim. Umm, WHAT. THE. FUCK. ? If he’s trying to show his sensitive side again, like when he wouldn’t box Storm because he’d never hit a girl, he’s got it all wrong. The way Teen portrays girls is a thousand times more badder for girls than the way Maxim does. Puke puke.
Reality /Performance / Results
The Performance Show
I was at Snakes on a Plane last night (and it was FUCKING AWESOME) and so when I came out and turned on my phone again I had a barrage (well, three) of text messages all talking about what the ladies were wearing. Nice. So home I went to my taped performance episode. And Gilby has brought his dog along tonight, making me hate him a little, because dude, you’re not actually Paris Hilton eh.
When they recap what happened over the week, they only show song selection and Dilana’s nude run, not her total and utter bitchiness and skankosity during the press interviews. Innnnnnteresting. I wonder if perhaps the webisodes have a different editing team and that’s their quiet way of rebelling against the inevitable, like how someone at my work stuck stickers with “Diet” and “Regular” on the two taps of the water cooler (it wasn’t me, but I wish it was). Because I’m sure if greater America knew what Dilana was really like, they wouldn’t keep voting for her. Unless Jeb Bush was running the election maybe.
But anyway, since Patrice “fought so hard” for her original (oh really? I thought she just kind of sat back and Magni said she should get to do it and everyone went “well, she is only here to showcase her original talent and not to be part of the band, and surely she’s going home this week so okay”), she gets to step up and do it first. She’s wearing more eye liner than usual, and she looks fucking gorgeous, and so comfortable on stage, which I know we’ve talked about before and how she’s almost too comfortable. Her song is jangly and happy, like Guyville Liz Phair meets Eight Arms Veruca Salt. I quite like it, but it’s so not Supernova, and everyone knows that. Dave says “I’m going to give you the same advice I gave Zayra..” and I’m like “what, check yourself into a mental clinic right now? That’s unfair”, but he is of course suggesting a solo career. She says that when she was 19, (so that’s a good fifteen years ago, mind you), she made a pact with the guitar player in her band that she’d never work a day job again, and apparently she hasn’t since, and that’s pretty fucking rock’n roll. So long, farewell Patrice. I liked you, for what that’s worth. And maybe I’ll buy your album.
It’s the return of the Nirvana, and Magni says that he chose ‘Teen Spirit’ because like ‘Creep’, it’s an anthem for his generation, and I’m like “that’s SO true!” and squeal like the fan girl I am. But of course, my VHS is super stretched (ha ha, I’m so going to use that as another ‘sausage down a hallway’ euphemism in the future, if I remember), and the sound goes wobbly on me. Still, the first cords kick that thing in my heart that remembers how very important grunge was to me (although if you follow that link, you’ll see that my paragraph on legal matters is probably no longer valid), and my pulse speeds up. Even though he’s sick, Magni hits the notes better than Kurt did, but just the idea of having our anthems so cooped makes me a little not happy. But I do love the way he smiles and points to the other rockers when he sings “our little group has always been and always will until the end” – it comes across really really genuinely and I don’t think anyone else could have done it like that. And T’Lee asks Magni why he didn’t play guitar, and Magni was like “I didn’t want to be tidied down” and Tommy’s all “you don’t need to be tied down with a guitar, you can take it off and smash it”. Umm, Tommy, not everyone’s shooting as much smack as you that they think a rolling guitar cage would be a good idea, you know. But as it happens, telling Magni to smash his guitar (which is extreme Gibson product placement, like how toothpaste companies give away toothbrushes with bigger heads so that people use more toothpaste) sets up the next song rather well.
Ryan’s performing an original too, his song ‘Back of your car’. Now, if you’re dedicated enough, you can go to his myspace page and listen to the piano version of this song, but as he explains to Supernova that he’s played in all kinds of rock bands, and although recently he’s been doing a lot of piano stuff, he’s changed the arrangement of this song because he thinks it’s a track that Supernova could really get on board with. He’s dressed simply, black pants, black tshirt, and black guitar (and his “heal the world” or whatever it is arm bandage), and I know I made fun of him for trying to teach the House Band some dance moves, HOLY FUCKING CRAP his performance blows me away. The song is catchy as hell, and he prowls around the stage with his guitar, leading them to do cut-tos of Magni, apparently trying to show that Magni is jealous that Ryan is rocking it out, but come on man, it’s MAGNI, he’s far too much of a gentleman to be like that, there’s no Lukas/Dilana rivalry there. But yeah, I actually say “FUCK YEAH” out loud a couple of times. I’m not sure if I like Ryan as a person, but he is definitely very very smart. He’s the new Marty. Remember how Marty said in interviews with INXS how he chose to do newer songs like Franz Ferdinand and the Killers because they fused dance with rock, and that INXS were the pioneers of that, and that he had what it would take to bring them into the now? Ryan choses his words that carefully when he talks to the band. Dave’s like “who the hell are you? What the fuck happened to you?” because he was so electrifying, whereas if you read my recap of the first episode I was like “Huh? Ryan sang… ummm… something… I don’t remember” (and while we’re at it, remember when I hated Magni and compared him to the Rasmus? Don’t worry, I hate myself for that too), and Ryan’s like “I got laid!” and whether or not that’s true, it gets the laugh and it shows the whole ‘I am like, totally a rockstar’ attitude. And if that song came out as a single I’d buy it. Well no, I’d download it. But that’s beside the point.
One of the texts I got was from Harvestbird saying “I’m thinking you could do justice to a top cut like Storm’s, which is incredibly sweet, but very not true. Sure, we’re both 6 feet tall and do boxing, but I’m like, two Storms big. But in her corset, I realise why exactly it is that I’m so drawn to Storm, and it’s because she is totally Faith, the Vampire Slayer. With a little Mean Girls era Lindsay thrown in (or maybe that’s just boob pervage). Storm does a mean version of ‘Cryin’, but it’s a little too ballady, and she really really needs to bring the rock if she wants to stay in contention. T’lee is of course all “I wish you were wearing less”, and that’s just awesome, I hope that at the next job interview I go to, someone on the panel says that, because I think that’d be a good sign of a smooth road ahead. You can’t have it both ways, you know, Supernova – either this is a job interview or it’s a perve fest. Storm’s like “I could crush you with my little finger” in her head, but she laughs it off on stage.
The sexual harrassment continues when Dave tells Dilana that next week song selection is at his house, cos he’s got a pool, and T’Lee’s like “I’ve got a pool too!” and Dave is like “yeah but my pool is olympic sized”. Cock fight! Dave’s apparently going out with Jenna Jameison now, which is interesting because I want to read her autobiography, and I also want to read I’m with the band which according to Amazon.com was co-written by one Dave Navarro. Anyway, do you remember how in Bardot’s video Sophie was dressed like she was a bird, with a skirty tail and stuff? Well, Dilana has chosen to recreate this outfit, out of old newspaper. With high heeled roman gladiator sandals. Her hair is straightened and looks really good, but you don’t really notice, because as the texts I got from Heather say “THE LASHES! O MY GOD THE LASHES!” with a follow-up text a minute later that says “…and not in a good way”. Someone apparently thought it would be a good idea for Dilana to wear pink and black eye lashes that are – with no exaggeration here – AS BIG AS HER FUCKING FISTS. And of course the reason she’s wearing htem is to draw attention to her eyes, because she’s singing ‘Every breath you take’ which of course contains the line “I’ll be watching you” and when she jabs her stubby L** S*** fingers at her eyes to illustrate this, I hope for a second that I’ve somehow managed to enchant those fingers and she’s about to gouge out her own eyes. But apparently not. Her voice doesn’t hit the notes, but it’s not quite the dog whining of the webisode. It’s definitely her worst performance so far, but Supernova are very mild with it. I suppose they can’t be all like “dude, you suck” when they let her sing with them already. Plus, Jason’s the fall guy today and he’s like “Was there a reason you sang that song?” as a total planted question, and Dilana’s all “yeah, it’s my mum’s favourite song…” which we knew from the webisode, “… and I haven’t spoken to her in years” – which we didn’t know, which just goes to solidfy my theory that the webisodes are cut by someone who hates her, and the performance shows are written by someone who loves her, because now we can be all “awww that’s so beautiful and deep”. And also somewhat disturbing, that Dilana is apparently, according to the song anyway, stalking her mother like a lover scorned. Riiiiiiiiight.
Toby rearranges ‘Layla’ a little bit, but no one really pays attention because in another gimmick move, he takes off his shirt. Gilby’s all “what does that say on his chest?” to T’lee, because Toby has the letters “EVS” written on his chest, which makes me think of Jessie and her catchy-like-syphilis habbit of dropping off the ends of words and adding an ‘s’ instead, but then I’m like, “Whatevs, I’m sure it’s like, a charity thing, or a dead grandmother thing” but when he’s asked, he says that it’s what people in Melbourne say instead of whatever. Who knew? Jessie, you’re like, like a rockstar. Haha.
Lukas, who has been cut to every time Dilana gets praise, starts out singing ‘All these things that I have done’ by the Killers in his singing voice, but quickly reverts to his mumble-mumble growl, and I tell Bart that Jason is going to spank his ass for it, but strangely enough he doesn’t. In fact, although this is Lukas’s second-worst performance ever, the only criticism he gets is Gilby asking him not to turn his back on the audience so much, which suggests to me that Lukas will be singing with Supernova tomorrow night. Although perhaps T’Lee’s incredibly insightful comment of “Cheque please” as a criticism. Who even knows anymore?
The bottom three are going to be Patrice, Toby and either Storm or Lukas. I would actually like both Storm and Lukas to be in the bottom three so that I can see what they do for their own choice. I’m pretty sure that Patrice must be going home, although I’m no longer sure that Storm’s going to be in the top four. I think maybe Ryan has pushed his way in there. I don’t think he wants to win, but I think he wants to take it as far as possible, just like Marty. I think he deserves the encore too.
Reality /Performance / Results
The Results Show
Brooke says that in three short weeks one of the people on stage will be in Supernova, and I’m like, hang on, only three more eliminations? Some doubles are coming up. People on the TWOP forums say this is because of the other band called Supernova who are suing, and there’s some kind of stay of execution until the middle of September so they need to wrap up the show by then. Or something. Hmm…!
As the TWOP summary starts out, “More evidence tonight that if Dilana wins this thing, it won’t be through strategy”.It seems that after the performance show, when she was very very average and sang “Dilana, Dilana, Dilana” as part of her song (WHAT?) and Ryan fucking killed it, she told him that he’d have been nothing without the House Band. Well, I’ve heard both versions of his song, (okay, a whole bunch of times, I’m a little obsessed now), and while I like the Rockstar version better with teh full band and all, he’s not singing about no lotion and no thong, Dilana. It’s a good song, dick. I’m aware that you wouldn’t know one if it got caught on your labret piercings and all, but still… Dave tells everyone that they’d all be nothing without the house band, and everyone at home goes “duh, that’s why we’re watching this and not Idol – we’re not in it for you, Dave”. There’s footage of Dilana telling Ryan that she’s got more fans than him, and Magni chimes in with a “We’ve all been growing throughout the show (which is true) but you’ve been doing the same thing (which is also true!”. Delicious. Like a Red Delicious. How do you like them apples, Dilana? Then when they do a little pre-recorded rave about the awesomeness which is theirspace, Dave says “one of the fan’s comments was that maybe there should be two singers in Supernova – Dilana and Lukas” and Dilana’s like “Over my dead body”. Way to be professional. Oh, and I have to rage against the person who posted on the TWOP forum saying “Hubris, they name is Dilana, Dilana, Dilana.” Because um, Hubris’s name is Jo. Don’t you compare me to that midget, bitch!
Toby gets the ‘honour’ of singing with Supernova, and for the first time I see that it kind of works, that together they can all sound as dumb as a sackful of hammers. The song’s called something about five cliches, and I’m like “but there’s only four of them on stage”. They don’t cut to film this time, or bring out the booty dancers, and I’m sure that’s totally because of the TWOP forums on the matter. The song is completely unmemorable, but that’s partly because I was really drunk. I do know that it reminded me of a song that I couldn’t think of the name of. Haha, is this the BEST. RECAP. EVER or what?
I guess they didn’t wanna let Ryan have the recap for two weeks in a row, so they’ve decided that tonight the encore performance is showing the footage from the webisode of Dilana slagging off everyone in the house during her interviews. She tells Dave “I guess they’re making me the villan this week” and I’m like, dude, Dilana, I don’t want your fucking shoutouts, back the fuck off. Dave asks Lukas, who tonight is wearing blue eyeshadow like I do sometimes, what he thinks about that all, and he makes a blah blah unprofessional blah blah noise, and Dilana tries to explain that she meant that she wants to take care of him like a mother hen, and then Lukas is all like “EVS!” which makes me laugh a lot because apparently Toby is as infectious as Jessie.
First up in the bottom three is Magni, and all of Iceland and I are like WHAT. THE. FUCK? But I figure people didn’t vote for him so that they’d hear him again. He sings Jimi Hendrix’s ‘Fire’, which you may remember best from Cassandra singing it in Wayne’s World (No? Is it just me?) and it’s absolutely fucking stomping. He plays the guitar but moves around the stage, duelling with the House Band, and he knows how fucking awesome a job he’s doing. This isn’t a bottom three ‘save yourself’ song, this is a motherfucking encore after he joins the house band and tours the world to raputous acclaim. This is the triumpant end to an epic gig. Hells yeah. Okay, so I mentioned that I was rather drunk when I watched it, and Magni was making me moisten my panty gusset rather a lot, but I stand by my assesment.
The second person in the bottom three, unsurprisingly is Patrice. When her name is called out the rockers pretend like they didn’t know it was coming, and Storm makes her “why god why?” face. Lukas reaches behind him to pat Patrice’s leg sympathetically, which endears him to me somewhat, and not just because it reminds me of a boy who was gladhanding me so much in Good Luck recently that I tried to move his hands away and he ended up stroking my boots instead. Heh. In another bout of “ha ha, it’s funny because it’s true” like the title of the Supernova song, Patrice sings a Pretenders song called ‘Middle of the Road’. She says she changed the arrangement, but i can’t tell. I’m bummed that this is her last song the world will see, because it’s so so boring.
Finally in the bottom three is Toby, and it so should have been Lukas. He sings ‘Plush’, and it’s good…. if he was playing in a pub coverband down at the Espie. Which he’s not. But of course because he sang with Supernova, they’re not sending him home tonight, so we’re left to contemplate who Supernova might possibly be sending home. Here’s a hint: it’s not going to be Magni as they struggle to say anything bad about him at all. In the end Tommy Lee says “Patrice, this is the fourth time you’ve been in the bottom three, and fans buy our tickets, so you’ve got to go, baby”. Nice, I like the honesty there. And speaking of liking the honesty, check out Dave Navarro’s website – it’s surprisingly unsanitised of his opinions.