Hubris.co.nz

Monday 28th This is what happened yesterday, and it’s not quite the full story cos I’m not quite ready to go there, because, sweet fuck, there’s a lot of explaining I have to do, but here’s part of it anyways. And if you wonder why I’m only ever writing bad shit these days, that’s because mostly, that’s all there is. And yes, I am taking steps to change things. We were hungover, we’d been watching Anne of Green Gables and eighties movies and other such stuff, and KateB wanted us to watch The Very Brady Sequel, and I had my doubts, so when our other friend suggested we have a smoke, I was very willing. After all, this was supposed to be my last weekend of drinking and so forth. The pot was strong, really strong, and my head started spinning very quickly, and I coughed a lot. KateH rang and I couldn’t string together a sentence. The characters in the movie seemed to be walking around in front of cardboard, and of course, because it’s a remake I wasn’t sure if they were the real Bradys or not. It kinda seemed like they were all laughing at me, and I felt really fucking strange. The other girls didn’t seem to notice it at all. I said “fuck” a lot as the room started spinning, and all of a sudden, the walls were melting into each other. I tried lying down, and that made it worse. I sat up, and it was worser. My vision seemed to have about a thousand layers to it, so I ripped off my glasses and my eyes cleared for a second, and then clouded again. Because the other two were so quiet, I began to suspect that they’d laced the pot with something, and I asked them again and again if they had and they denied it. I couldn’t breath, and I knew that I was having a panic attack, but then my whole body felt strange, like it was seizing up, and they wouldn’t help me, they didn’t think that anything was wrong with me, and they were ignoring me. I realised Bo was asleep in the next room and I knew then that she’d take care of me, she’d make it okay, she’d make it go away. In her room, I lay down on her bed with her and tried to tell her what was going on, but my legs kept twitching, and I was overwhelmed with this massive massive fear, and I just couldn’t communicate what was going on with me. She reminded me to keep breathing, and stroked my arm, and said I could stay with her for as long as I needed. I figured that maybe the pot was reacting with my meds, but then I realised that I’m not actually on any, so then I decided that maybe it was kicking back in the half trip I took in Wellington, although that was just a warm happy speedy smile trip at the time. My whole body was twitching involuntarily, so I thought maybe I was cold and got under the covers, but it kept going, and I was afraid to open my eyes in case of what I might see. Bo told me not to focus on the fact that Iw as having a bad trip, which of course meant that I could hardly think about anything else, except for the fact that i always end up dumping on her, and she has problems of her own. She tried to get me to keep drinking water, because I was getting dehydrated, but I couldn’t, because my breathing was too erratic, and because the water felt too weird sliding down my throat. Parts of my body would feel like they weren’t there anymore, so I’d reach to touch them and other parts would disappear. I tried to keep my hand on my stomach, so that I could concentrate on my breathing, but sometimes I couldn’t feel it. She told me that as I inhaled, I should feel like I was getting in goodness from the world, and as I exhaled that I was getting rid of the bad vibe, and I could visualise it very clearly. I asked Bo to keep talking to me for as long as she could, because she was calming, but at the same time, all conversation semeed like a strain. I just wanted to hear about puppies and kittens and soft things like that that can’t harm. She fetched my teddybear for me, talking while she left the room so that I wouldn’t be too scared. I was a fucking basketcase. All I could do was try to ride out the trip in the fetal position. I wanted something to sedate me, hospital styles, but I also thought that would be even more traumatic. I was just so afraid that I was permanently fried, what with the physical shakes, and the vision and the all that crap. Eventually Bo fell asleep, despite my constant twitchings, and I guess I dozed in and out. I woke up at one stage and felt totally blissfully happy, while being still rather shaken, and then went back to sleep until I woke up again, feeling normal, so I went to sleep in my own bed again. Dawn was breaking. I dunno if I’ve managed to convey the absolute fucking terror that i felt throughout the whole experience or not, but it was probably the scaredest that I have ever been. To be so completely out of control – the fact is that all I had taken was a little pot, which I had expected to just make me able to laugh at the Brady Bunch movie – to go from there to fearing that my friends were trying to fuck me up, and that the walls were melting, adn that I would be in a permanent state of fuckedupness, like my body had been infected with a computer virus like Pig in The Ecstasy Club, to be afraid to call Tom in case he made me feel crazier when I’m so used to calling him so he can talk me down from drunken misery styles – it was FUCKED UP. And I’m not going to be doing drugs again. I’m so fucking glad Bo was there – I have no idea what I would have done otherwise. Today I went and bought her assorted Cranberry paraphanalia (cran & blueberry juice, craisins and cranberry cracker sauce) but that’s just sheer tokenism. I still feel pretty fucking shakey though, and I’m so fucking tired of being damaged.

These are highlights from my journal that I kept in my red book in Australia. Obviously, it’s not everything. I was doing a whole bunch of thinking, and no one needs to read all of that. But these are the entertaining highlight parts.

Saturday 24th June, 2000 – On The Train from Melbourne to Sydney

I’m sick, kinda hungover. I threw up a few bitter mouthfuls this morning, which was nothing compared to last night. So I’m sipping water now and thinking I will drink less in the future.

I’m really happy with my hair, it looks choice. So yay for that. Boo for the fact that I can’ curl up and sleep and look out the window, but hey, these things happen. At least there’s a needle disposal unit in the bathroom! Handy huh?

Oh, oh, the coolest most exciting thing that has happened so far is that I found notes in the magazine in the seat pocket! Here, let me copy them out for you. They made me smile so much!

“Dear Gracey,
Hello!
umm….
do you love Sean? I hate him
Luv Capa”

“Dear Casey
um… abobt your qestun I Dident spell it rite but this is a big secret ok
I Do sotove love him”

How cute! Go Gracey & Sean! What’s the bet he’ll end up leaving her for Casey though! Ooh nasty bitter Joanna. Yes, damn right I am. But that aside, I was so stoked to find those notes. I always loved messages meant for others in text books. I remember Ammy and I (or was it Rosalie) wrote notes we left for others in our classics books for the next classes. It’s kind of like a cross between graffiti and a message in a bottle. Soon maybe, I’m going to write a note explaining who I am, and pt my address on it, and leave it in the magazine. Hopefully someone will find it, and be as excited as me and maybe even try to contact me. Tanya and Anji used to write to some guy in Palmerston North after they found a message in a bottle from him.

Monday 26th, June 2000

Kini has my photo by her bed. I can’t even start to describe how special this makes me feel. It’s just so lovely to know that someone cares about me like that. I can look around her room and in one corner are the tulip lights I gave her, and on her shelf is the Winnie the Pooh picture, and that’s just cool. She really cares about me. And that’s lovely. I am going to start showing my friends more how much I care about them, I think. I mean, for the past six months I have just focused all my attentions on one person, and that’s just wrong. From now on, I will think about more people!

I am also going to listen to more * (name deleted on account of how i’m not willing to share this). This cd is awesome. I love it. I feel so peaceful, being in someone else’s house, and therefore being surrounded by other people’s possessions and memories as opposed to mine. This relaxes me. This helps me think clearer about everything.

*****

I had really vivid dreams again last night, tucked up high in Kini’s bed with tshirt sheets. In the first, I was back at Garland Road, and we were interviewing prospective flatmates in Clayton’s room. Kate M was there, and maybe Maree as well – I’m not sure. But anyways, the guy was saying that maybe we were too weird for him, which is when I realised i hadn’t seen what colour Kate B had painted her room, so I went to look – it was yellowy marble, and there were these exposed beams (ie it was a totally new room, not the actual one), very farm house.

Another dream that i had put me talking to someone from ASIJ – I can’t remember who the fuck it was though. Anyways, I mentioned Emily Bond, and she didn’t know Emily had died, so we both ended up crying and crying, feeling such a huge sense of loss. It’s strange. I wasnt really that close to her, but in my dream, it was like she’d been my best friend. It was just so odd to be remembering her now too, for no apparent reason. Unless maybe somehow she’s been assigned to be my guardian angel. I’d like that – I did always want to be cool enough to be Emily’s friend. And I could use a guardian angel to make me a better person!

The other dream was that I was staying in a guest house at some big estate, and I was madly looking for some pads, but all I could find were used ones that had been left out in the rain – icky. It was pretty nasty, but since I was waking every two hours to go to the bathroom, pretty appropriate. Oh, exciting breakthrough of the day? Using my first tampon. (this is where you leave real fast if you’re squeamish). I’ve tried them in the past, but was never really able to do it properly. Now, however, I think I almost have it. Maybe it should be in a tiny bit deeper because I can still kind of feel it, but that’s also probably because I just feel so concious that it’s there, if you know what I mean. The first one I put in, both my hands ended up completely covered in blood – it was very dramatic! Second one, there was very little blood, so that’s okay. I was a bit scared the first one wouldn’t come out.

Ahh, vaginas eh? Funny wee things.

****

Today I got up just before 11, and ate cocoa puffs whilst online. Later I had English Muffins and tea. Even later, I rang up Kini and got her to tell me where the shops were. It was a gorgeous day for a walk! I wasn’t entirely sure where I was going, but I found it in the end – some budget supermarket. It was realyl hideously run down, but I got some pads and some pringles, and that was all I was after.