Hubris.co.nz

Thursday the 7th of January, 1999

I dunno, I just so feel like there’s something missing from my life. Now that Charly is staying with Amy, I have too much time to think, and this is resulting in me feeling all hollow. We all rented “the Ice Storm” tonight, and I guess that echoes my feeling of emptiness. Except you don’t see me sleeping with Mr Russia, or showing myself to Catholic Richard & Matthew. (Those are my neighbours in case you were wondering). It was so scary watching those freaks live out their loveless lives, just dying to get a little excitement. I mean, my life is excitingish, I guess, but I dunno…. when I was parking outside my house tonight, I just didn’t want to get out of the car. I wanted to stay in it and go somewhere. I don’t know where – I didn’t think that far.

I’m very emotionless these days (sure, I say that after bawling my eyes out after driving in a hole). Okay, maybe a better way to put it would be I just don’t CARE. Like, I told Annette I am SO sick of listening to my friends bitching about their men, and she was like “note: don’t bitch to Jo” but what I meant basically is that I can’t be bothered hearing Charlotte, and I don’t want to hear about Amy and Neil. Amy said tonight that she’s single, but I know that won’t last, and it makes me so helpless that I just want to wash my hands of it entirely. Does that make me fully heartless? Yeah I guess it does.

And there’s no one I’m lusting after right now. Not even like a crush. I don’t want Hugh anymore, I’ve decided. (Oh shock horror, there’s his name). That was just a slight infatuation stemming from how funny it is when he gets drunk and comes on to me. That’s another way that I’m empty – that I get more kicks out of turning people down than I would accepting them. I prefer people disliking me than not knowing me. “I’d rather be hated than pitied”. Go Go the Spice Girls.

Where is this all leading to? Maybe I’m just feeling like this because I am moving in four days and I don’t really want to. Maybe it’s the Aunty Flo. I played Quake today, for the first time ever, but I didn’t kill anything because I sucked at it. But I will learn. Yes please, I am a geek. No I’m not. I’m a giant hollow bubble, and I’m so fragile and I really don’t know what’s come over me. This is so Verdana. Next I’ll tell you about my lithium prescription and my new cigarette burns up my arms.

I can hardly remember the summer of 96/97. 95/96 is vivid, as is 97/98, but I guess maybe because 96/97 was boyless there aren’t so many associated memories. All it was noteworthy for is my first acid trip and the first Gathering.

Wednesday the 6th of January, 1999

Okay, so I’ll be a verdana girl today. Except it’s not like, really really small. Or is it? Maybe I do have scars after all. I hope y’all know what I mean. You musta read those sorts of journals. Okay, the font’s going bigger again. Hey, it’s one am. If I wanna play, I will. (because I want to, because I want to)

We went to the beach again today, and these three little kids were singing all of Billie’s greatest hits (hahaha). Jo and I almost shit ourselves laughing as we joined in singing “Girlfriend”. Only, we don’t know all the words, so if someone wants to email them to me, I’ll love you long time. Then we did the “give it to me baby” thing as well, and got funny looks for grunting the “uh huh, uh huh”. Honestly, the kids were all like under ten. You’d think they’d be a bit more open minded. Jo didn’t try to drown me today, unlike last time, which is sort of a relief. She said that she never tried to, but we all know that she is lying.

Oh yeah, there was more to my day than just swimming. I left the house at 9am, and took Momma into the Bakehouse, then I went and did three hours at Leonie’s, and finished all the work she had for me to do. I got to use an Iris pen some of the time – that was fun. That’s like a tiny wee scanner thing that goes directly into text, if you didn’t know. It actually took more time than typing, but I was bored. Then I went home and picked up Charly, and we went to lunch with Karen.

We went to Sardine in the Duke’s Arcade, which used to be Cafe Aroma, with the most heinous organ player. But obviously it’s not anymore. All the food looked really nice, so I was kinda disappointed in my cajun chicken pasta, but it was still nice. This really scummy guy was sitting too close to us, which was a tad off putting. At one stage he asked Karen if he knew her from somethingorather – she so froze, it was kinda funny.

And Charly bought me a piece of chocolate cake, because I bought her lunch. Neither of us mentioned last night, so that’s a good thing I guess. I mean, I do feel bad about being so mean about everything. It’s just a bad time of the month I guess, and I’m super-emotional. No Mum, I’m NOT pregnent. I took so many pain killing drugs today, and they didn’t kick in until after the chocolate cake. Mmmmmm.

So yeah. Then I sent Charly to meet Jo at the fountain cos I had to go to the bank, and they took sooooooo long, like half an hour. I needed a bank cheque out of my savings account, but I couldn’t find my passbook, and I don’t have a card for it, since it’s supposed to be SAVING, and so there were all sorts of hassles. Eventually, I got it sorted though, a loverly big cheque for $3384. Unfortunatly, it’s made out to AIT, not me. Whatever happened to Free Education?????? Fuck you very much, Lockwood and Wyatt.

Annnnyways. Then we went to Jo’s house and quickly got changed, and went back to the beach we went to the other day. That’s where the kids were. It was cold, but it was still good, and it felt really healthy and bracing and all that good shit. Then I drove back to her house in my wet clothes, cos last time her and Charly perved too much while I was changing. You’d think they’d never seen a girl trying to put her bra on discreetly before or something!

So yeah. Back to Jo’s house, then to the dairy for eyescreams, and then I dropped her off in town and picked up my parents. We had nachoes for dinner, then I went to bed at 6.30pm, for a nap. I woke up sometime later, when i heard the vaccum cleaner, but drifted off again. I figured if Charly wanted to use the net, she could go on Dino (Baby doesn’t have a login script, and no one knows my Ihug password). When I woke up, it was after 10pm, she was reading in the lounge with my parents, and they’d unassembled the Xmas tree. I was so glad I missed that, cos I hate doing it. Stripping it of its ornaments and chucking it over the bank is so depressing. And boring too. Then I went online, so unless Charly was online this morning while I was at work, she wasn’t on all day long. Which is probably healthy.

Si thinks I’m not all that much of a bitch about the whole thing, which I guess is kind of a relief. I mean, I feel bad that I haven’t been very supportive. I wish wish wish i was a nicer person.

Tuesday the 5th of January, 1999

I guess the fact that Oma rang me twice while I was still trying to sleep should have cued me into the fact that it wasn’t going to be a good day. At one I worked for three hours at Leonie’s, finally managing to finish cateloging all her Japanese books that she bought from my grandfather’s collections. How can one man have so many books? Have had, sorry. There’s a tshirt at the Markets that says “The man who dies with the most books still dies”. Mum wasn’t impressed when she saw it, for obvious reasons, but I had a good chuckle.

So yeah. After finishing work at four, I veged at home for a bit before Charly rang, wanting to be picked up from town. She said she’d hardly talked to Graeme all day that she’d been out with him, which I really think is a bit off, if she came to Welly to sort things out with him. So yeah. We had dinner and stuff like that. While she watched “Party of Crap” I came online and did a bit of work on my journal and stuff – I’m falling behind, sorry. (I know there are people that care, because I’m addicted to checking the stats page – which doesn’t make it go up). I’m so vain and self absorbed, it’s terriffic!

Anyways. Then we watched some more of the taped Glastonbury. Charly had the audacity to diss Nick Cave AND Jarvis Cocker. Some people wouldn’t know class if it ran them over in a green MG. I logged on to Ihug for her (since she doesn’t know how to log in, and she doesn’t have my password). I saw that the K Man was on, and I haven’t seen him for aaaaaages and I really really felt like talking to him, but Charly wanted a go, so I told him I’d talk to him in an hour. Sweet, cos he said he’d wait for me. So yeah. I went off and had a bath and shit (mmmmmmmmm rose oil and candlelight – that’s making me sound really seedy – oh well). And yeah, then after an hour, i went back into the computer room, bored and wanting to do my computery stuff, and she was like “oh, Graeme just came online” and she gave me OH such a sincere “Sorry”. So that just right royally fucked me off. I know that I’m too possessive about my computer, but she knew I hadn’t talked to Kamahl in ages, and that I have journals to do and I have people to talk to as well, you know? And I just have so little sympathy for her and the whole Graeme mess because she got herself into it. Okay, that sounds too harsh. It’s just that I know how fucking crap and pointless internet relationships are, and if there’s a problem, I’d rather talk it out than sit in silence and get on a plane and then sit in silence again.

Okay, so after that spew, what did I do? I was like “fine” and left the room, and went sulking into the lounge, where my parents suggested I go to town or something, since I couldn’t bring myself to kick her off my puter. So I did, rejecting the idea of going in my pajamas, so I had to throw on some clothes first. So yeah. I was so mad I was fuming by the time I got to town, so I’m glad I managed to drive okay. I went over a hedgehog before I realised what I was doing, but I think it was lined up between the wheels, so it should be okay. So yeah. I stopped into United Video, who tried to tell me that my prize was probably sent to Mount Roskill – bastards! Anji wasn’t at Axolotl, so I had a hot chocolate and talked to Kirsten and her friend Amber, who was really cool and we instantly got chatty. Then as I went to call Anji, I heard someone call out my name, and it was Nicola! So yay, I talked to her for a while, after finding out Anji was in bed. Although we email and talk on the phone occasionally, I haven’t seen her since Onslow ended. She was looking SO styley. Great hair. We’d sit in Economics talking about our hair all year long. No wonder I had to learn the whole course in a day long mass cram with Kate. We ended up getting exactly the same mark too, which is kinda amusing.

Anyways. So I walked back to the car, and bumped into Siobahn, who invited me and Jo to come out and play on Saturday Night – YAY since I’m going back to auckers on Tuesday. Mmmm. I got back to the car, and put Little Earthquakes on, which probably wasn’t a very smart idea at all. It came in right at ‘Tear in Your Hand’ and I suddenly got very melencholy, singing my heart out, and I just wanted to keep driving and driving, so I decided to take a long way home. Then of course, it was ‘Me and a Gun’ which made me cry. I mean, I’d been worked up enough as it was, but well, that song……. I was driving along feeling really really bad, when suddenly I felt something go bang, like I’d hit a dog or something. That completly freaked me out, and I started bawling, but I couldn’t stop because there was a car right behind me. As soon as I could, I turned around and went back, but I couldn’t see anything. I was so blubbering my eyes out, at the thought of having just killed an innocent animal and a beloved family pet. I was so freaked out that I’d go back and find a wounded animal and it’d look into my eyes accusingly as it died, but I couldn’t see anything. Then I remembered that there’s a big hole in that stretch of road, and that was probably what had shaken the car. I was so worked up by that stage that I just stopped the car in the Ngaio library carpark, and after checking the front of the car for blood, I cried my eyes out. Then I really wanted someone to talk to, so I drove past Kate’s house, but I couldn’t see any lights on, so I went on home.

I snuck into the house so quietly because I really didn’t want to talk to Charlotte, but she was waiting up for me. No sooner had I crept up the stairs than she told me that her and Graeme were all over (no duh). I mean, I do feel bad for her, and I’m a terrible friend and all, but honestly, there’s like nothing I can do. So I talked to her about it for a bit, and leant her a teddy bear. She didn’t ask me where I’d been or anything, so I don’t feel quite so bad.