Hubris.co.nz

1. I really, really wish that Holly and Hef were still together, and that they’d get married and have a baby.
2. I am not that ashamed to say that really like the movie Titanic, mostly because it reminds me of being 17 and going on the ferry to the Gathering,
3. Unless something happens in them, I change my sheets once a fortnight, even though I have so many sets of linen that they fill a large filing cabinet.
4. I haven’t smoked pot or done any illegal drugs since 2005, and I won’t be doing any ever again on account of being crazy, but I miss getting stoned, a lot.
5. Although you wouldn’t be able to tell from the state of my desk and bedroom floor, I can be really anal about my possessions, and really like to keep my books, DVDs and music in alphabetical & chronological order.
6. Right now I have at least six types of moisturiser that I use regularly
7. I have editing rights on about seven different websites, or maybe more.
8. I am still in contact with only three people that I’ve had sex with.
9. At last count (which is right now) I have pashed 33 people, or it might have been 43 because I was adjusting my stereo and messed up my hands. No wait, it’s 34/44. I _always_ forget one of the three people who I’ve had sex with that I’m still friends with (sorry!). Of those 34 people, I don’t know the names of two of them – the girl on New Year’s 2001/2 and the woman I kissed at Kowhai’s party last year.
10. I often struggle to understand why anyone would be friends with me.
11. I am really amazing at guestimating the perfect pours when I am making cocktails. What I put in the shaker will fill however many glasses I have at whatever size they are perfectly.
12. My least favourite phrase right now is “value for money”.
13. I vote Green to ease my guilt for not doing enough good deeds with the privileges that I have in life.
14. When I was 12, a friend of my mother’s grabbed my ass and winked at me in the way that you should not wink at a 12 year old girl. I slept with my pocket knife under my pillow that night. Now he’s on a Lotto ad and my parents make jokes about him. I do not appreciate that at all.
15.My iPod has three songs by 30 Seconds To Mars on it. I’m kind of embarrassed but I love My So-Called Life so dearly that I can’t not. Plus it’s Bambi’s fault.
16. If you forced me to choose only one Daily Show correspondent to watch for the rest of my life, apart from Jon Stewart, of course, I think I would have to go with Demetri Martin, but it would depend on whose piece I had seen most recently.
17. There are empty coffee cups that are at least six months old in my car.
18. When I used to see a counselor in Newmarket, it was $130. My counselor in Wellington is $85 when she’s not covered by work, but my psychiatrist who wears vaguely Cosby-as-done-by-Hallenstines-in-1998-sweaters is $170.
19. I am now physically incapable of sleeping without the aid of zopiclone. This worries me a lot but I am too crazy right now to try and come off it.
20. Although I am still angered by the stupidness of their ads, I buy Colgate Triple Action toothpaste. I will never buy a Nair product again though for the way that they state that you can’t be feminine and hairy. For the record, I am hairy like an animal.
21. I worry that if someone was attracted to me it would be because they have a fetish for fat chicks, and then I judge them for that, and I judge myself for judging them. It is fun times.
22. I frequently find myself wishing that I had the power to snap necks when people keep talking and annoying me.
23. I often don’t rinse out the coffee plunger at work. Yes, I leave it for the cleaning staff to deal with.
24. I like my coffee as a large latte, my white wine aromatic, my red wine boisterous, and my cocktails strong enough to overpower an elephant.
25. I have had almost a bottle of wine tonight and I suspect that at least one of my answers has made you very uncomfortable that you asked.

I don’t normally do this kind of thing on Hubris, but hell, at least it’s all about me…

1. Everyone (who’s anyone) uses the phrase “jumped the shark” about TV shows, or sometimes bands, or just celebrities in general (for example “Milan totally jumped the shark when he let that groupie wear his hat right in front of me”). I’ve started to use it to describe friendships. Not cool.

2. I have seven sets of duvet covers (yellow, pink with gold, magenta & purple, brown & red retro, blue undersea, burgandy oriental brocade and brand new silver brocade) but only two sets of sheets – black and lime green, and four single duvet covers, including my New Mexico-ish Ralph Lauren cover that I got when I first moved to Japan, which we had to specially order and cost like $400 (shoosh. We paid $150 for an Xmas tree once…)

3. I have real problems with trust and jealousy – and given my background, I’m really not surprised.

4. The reason I hate being called a blogger is because I’ve been doing this for EIGHT FUCKING YEARS motherfuckers, when that word wasn’t even a glint in anyone’s eye, and why the fuck do all these newbie people get the attention and book deals and why aren’t I famous yet?

5. I made Anji and Sebastian worm themselves this weekend right along with me. My next guess is that I have haemarroids. Of course my reason for thinking this has absolutely nothing to do with an advertorial in the local rag of course…

6. I’d really like to have a cock to fuck Jessica Simpson with. This is not a “lesbian sex doesn’t count compared to hetrosexual sex” blah blah blah crap, it’s just that dude, she’s so horrible but there’s something about her that makes me want to fuck her ass and mouth.

7. I no longer talk to anyone I’ve had sex with (this would probably be an advantage if I fucked Jessica). There’s only a couple of people on that list that I wish were still in my life. Others I miss when I think of jokes that only they would get.

8. I am secretly impressed with how much pus I can squeeze out of my various pimples and assorted other bumps.

9. I am terrified of people liking my online persona and then meeting me in real life and going “wow, she’s just not real at all” and disliking me.

10. Often I think that I will spend the rest of my life without ever hearing anyone say that they love me again.

11. I find the idea of being a housewife in the 1950s strangely appealing.

12. Half the reason that I want to be a music writer is that I have a fantasy of having a musician fall head over heels in love with me and write songs about me.

13. There’s this one song on this one CD by this one guy that makes me go huh, but I’d be too scared to lose it if I did ever find out that it wasn’t actually about me.

14. If I had an infinite amount of money to spend on a car, I like to think that I’d still just buy something like a prius. Or maybe an oldskool convertible. But definitely nothing too ridiculously expensive and/or evil.

15. If I was cloned, I’d probably be friends with me, but I might think that I was too needy and/or insecure. I’d probably have sex with me though, if I got myself drunk and came on to me first.

16. I feel like I have a decent enough grasp of the English language that I don’t feel bad about twisting it to better suit my purposes.

17. When I was under five or so, whenever I counted to 20, I would generally forget the number 17. Spazz.

18. I can’t get a credit card for another four years because I didn’t pay my car registration fee.

19. I often prefer Latinish type beers, like Amarca, Corona and San Miguel, but I’ll drink pretty much any kind, except for Lion Red.

20. I plan a lot of funerals in my head – not just mine, but those of an assortment of people I know. I think about what I’d wear, what I’d say in the eulogy, what we’d serve at the wake and how I’d spend my inheritance.

So, while I’m drunk enough and also happy enough, I might give you a brief heads up. I’m really tempted to not to though, because oh for fucks sake, can people misunderstand me just a little bit more? Am I really that obtuse? I’m considering shutting down Hubris once and for all. I thought I was clearer and easier to understand on paper, but apparently not. It just really fucking bugs me, eh.

BUT! Here’s another list:

 <!-- and she's even more annoying in person in real life. the next two months are gonna be HELL -->

Tuesday June 18th

Because it’s all about loot, and because you may be interested, and now I’m actually sober (last night was crazy), I will write you a list of what I got for my birthday, in the semi chronological order that I received things.

When I was just on my way out to work yesterday morning, I spotted a large parcel and poster roll sitting in the lounge that had been sent up from Wellington, and even though I knew I was running late, I took a little time to open a few of the things inside, which were:

• A poster of Antartica from Karen, with bears drawn all over it in various different styles, which was obviously a collaborative effort on the part of the good people at Unity Books in Wellington (after all, my height is measured on their door).
• One of the parcels in the big box was “Manufactoring Consent” by Chomsky from my parents
• The other thing I opened was a MUFF that Karen made from me, along with a long list of muff ettiquite. Fuck, I so can’t spell that. You know what I mean though. It’s all soft and brown and furry and has a bear face on one side. Hehehe. I like bears. She also gave me a can labeled “Batted Salmon” which on closer inspection is actually tuna. I like injokes. This is my muff:

Then I had to run away to work and I found out that Teri had broken her ass. Heh. I know I shouldn’t laugh, but she laughed at me when I told her the catching on fire story:

All day today I have been wearing my pajamas, cos I haven’t had a pj day in aaaages, and I really love my pajama top – it used to be my grandfather’s, and it just looks really good on me and it’s actually probably one of the bestly seductive items in my wardrobe. Anyways, this evening I was cooking dinner, and I leant over the stove to stir something on the back element when WHOOSH! My pajama top caught fire. I started screaming immediately, of course, and freaked out, but luckily, I had the good sense to pull it straight off and dump it in the sink. Then I stood in my slip and pj bottoms in the kitchen for ages laughing hysterically. So much for thinking it was a cotton top.

Bopha and Leo heard me screaming but they thought I was some random street person. Typical. Things could have been a lot worse, because the slip under my pj top is completely synthetic too. The way things are now, the bottom of my pj top is just charred and missing a chunk. Maybe once it dries out, I will consider whether or not it is still wearable.

Apparently Bridget was even gonna bake me a cake but she just didn’t. I did have a piece of someone else’s cake though. Actually, I haven’t had a birthday cake since my 17th birthday. Sigh. Anyways. Also at work I managed to finally finish my very first article and put it online. I’d give you the link but then you’d know where I work (because it’s SO hard to figure out right now).

Anyways, finally I managed to get home and open the rest of my presents, and this is what I got:

• ‘Chemistry’ from my parents, which is a NZ book about a drug addict with kidney stones who goes to live in Timaru. I’m presuming Karen chose it and it will therefore be good.
• A 3M ergonomic mouse, which wouldn’t run off the proper port for some reason, but luckily it works off USB as well.
• Some bodylotiony stuff which I initially suspected Neil had just got at a hotel he’d stayed in.
• A jar of Mole sauce they got me in Mexico. There’s an accent or soemthing somewhere in there, it’s not actually potted rodent. I hope.
• A weird purple pen which just perplexed me, but apparently it doubles as a screen cleaner. Mum said on the phone that she felt like she had to get me something that wasn’t on my wishlist. (And of course I’m still going to put the link in to that, it’s never too late to buy me presents!)
• A book called “The 13 and a half lives of Captain Bluebear” from Karen. There are precious few books about bears at Unity. It looks good though.

And then after that, eventually Bopha and I went to Caravan Serai to meet up with everyone else, and this is the rest of the loot that I got:

• A Virtual Fireplace video from JeremyO and Renee. I put it on today and it was strangely mesmerizing and made me feel warm.
• Bright lime sheets from KateH and Maree, and also some body glitter. I’d actually been thinking I should buy new bed linen just hte other day when I saw it advertised but I physically restrained myself.
• A pez dispenser from James. It has a lion on it, but we all initially thought it was a bear.
• A big bunch of flowers and a book called ummm hmm crap, I forget and it’s in the lounge and I’m lazy from KateM. I’ve previously seen her sobbing over it before, so I’m not sure what she’s trying to do to me, but I’m looking forward to reading it. Plus, that’s like the 5th time ever in my life anyone’s given me flowers, so that was exciting. I am so spoiled!

The best present of all, which was the guy finally listening to me yelling and finally working up the nerve to come into the women’s toilets to go and get me someone to give me a screw driver so I could get the fuck out after I got locked in the toilets by a broken lock. Apparently everyone was like “where’s Jo?” cos i’d been gone fifteen minutes but they all thought I was just talking on my cellphone. Of course, if I’d had my cellphone withme, I would have fucking called them! Grr.

Anyways, so that was last night, or the dinner part of it anywyas – I hope I didn’t forget anything. Afterwards, Bopha and I sat around being dicks at home smoking cigars and basically being looney. Today we went out for lunch at Fire&Earth and she told me that she’d kidnapped my cellphone the night before and sent out text messages to various people trying to get gossip but since no one replied I can only presume that she fucked up and nothing went out. Phew.

Oh! Exciting news! I saw Marion in the downstairs apartment when I went to ask the builder to move his car so I could get mine out and apparently, I’m getting carpet tomorrow or the day after! Wahoo! Six months later.Tonight I watched a two hour doco on Robbie Williams. I don’t want a webpage anymore, I want a documentary done on me please. It’d be great. Plus, I think my dad is smoking crack. This is the email he sent me yesterday:

Hello Joanna It’s a long time since I saw you pop out, but you’re still my little baby. All the best for the day, that’s probably pretty well past, at your end. Here I sit in Singapore, waiting to go and sell people on the idea of electronic certification. What some peole will do for a living, eh? (Call it “living”?) Anyway, better do some work. Happy birthday, in case you missed the rerefence, Yer ole man

Actually, that’s kinda cute isn’t it?

Right, maybe I should go and try to sleep now, either that or read through my IMC notes. I’m a little annoyed with myself for my lack of study, but you see the thing is that I only need 9/50 to pass the paper. Sure, yes, I could aim high, but I guess it seems to me that there’s not really any point unless I was going to get the top score out of everyone, which I’m not going to, so why put in all the extra effort? It’s like “a C is a degree” and all again. Even if I am a ‘mature student’ now. Then again, I can probably pull marketing out of my ass quite well. And I have til Thursday morning anyways. Hopefully I can get my massage after that. I’m freaked out about my wrists and hands though.

Dammit, WHEN do I get a real proper sleepin? Thursday maaaaybe – if I’m lucky. I had to go into tech today to work on my broadcasting. My voice was even goner today – well, this morning anyways – luckily it’s kinda back now. Cos how would the world function without my screechings, eh?

At tech today, I wrote an article about how Michael Jackson came to our Expo, and propositioned Joe for some “back ending” work. I wrote an article about how the staff at AUT have been secretly selling our bandwidth to buy Pajeros. I wrote an article about how the notorious hacker k1w1w3b hacked the Expo site. I like writing crap, oh yes I do! So that was tech. I came back home to watch the fight with the boys and drink beer, but I fell asleep before hand briefly, and didn’t want any beer. I’ve never watched boxing before, and I can’t say I really focused on it today either. Instead I rang my mummy, and discovered that her and Neil and Anji are driving up to Auckland tomorrow, and Anji is staying three nights with me. Mum and Neil are going to stay in the motel down the road where I used to work – well, for two days anyway. Yay, this is cool. Except that I’m just choto busy. But still, I can make them waffles and stuff.

Kara is also staying with us for a week, while being homeless. She’s lovely. She cooked us dinner. I hope we don’t scare her TOO much – scaring her a little is fine. I watched The Rock tonight. I really have nothing to say. Oh, I changed my bed linen so now it’s my lovely pink set. That’s about as exciting as my life gets. We dragged sleeping bags out onto the lawn today to get a little sunshine. Clayton and Kara came back inside covered in grass. Oh to be young and frolicky again. Oh wait, I am still young. Just not frolicking. I’ve had so many good gossips to people lately, and also not just gossips, actual good serious conversations too. No wonder I lost my voice. I need my voice back before I make a speech at the Expo. Oh, and I’m cleaning up my site tonight, on account of going to maybe give industry people my url, so if there’s something you wanna see again but you can’t find, just email me for the link, k? Goodo. “Maybe later – I’ve got creamy goodness in my mouth right now”

Sunday 7; Febuary, 1999
I watched “Bed of Roses” tonight and I’m quite disappointed. Jo wanted Christian Slater to die, so that there could have been more tragedy, but I think that’s taking it a bit too far. I just wanted a really good weepy movie, cos that’s so what I felt like, but no! It was a big let down.

That’s okay though, cos I talked to Jo on the phone for an hour so that made everything okay. Her and I are going to win Lotto so that A) she can fly up for my flatwarming, and B) so we can both go to Oregon. Heather said we could stay with her and sleep in her twin bed. That’ll be choice. I wanna go crazy and eat in American Diners and stock up on American products.

Speaking of beds, I’ve only had about 8 people filling in my form. That’s okay though, cos they’ve been pretty good offers. I think so far the best one I’ve had is from a guy who says he’s got a Scottish accent. Mmmmmmmmmmmm. Hahahaha the things people will say to get to pretend they get to get a girl into bed.

What I really really want right now is someone stalking me with flowers. I like yellow roses and wild flowers the best, if you’re after a hot tip. Come pleaaaaaase – Valentines Day is coming up soon and everything. I think I deserve real honest to goodness admirers.

But now I’m going to bed in my new big bed. Even though it’s rickety, it’s made up with brand new manchester, so I will feel like I’m sleeping in a hotel. Instead of an flatmateless house. I talked to my parents on the phone today, because it was a $2 day, and they were grateful for the call – as they should be. I’m still a little traumatised by my father’s jokes about nuts though when i asked him about tools.

And here’s a parting question – what sort of person would turn me down when I invited them over to help me tighten nuts?