Hubris.co.nz

Friday 19; February, 1999

Joanna: yeah I know I’m a dirty old man – here I am, friday night and I’m at home chasing porn on the computer

Heather: Yeah, attempting cyber sex with a minor, tsk tsk.

Joanna: hahahahaah – so, what are you wearing?

Heather: Well, despite the fact that it’s 0 degrees celsius outside, and that we have a bad vent system in the house, nothing but a red garter belt and a smile, my usual internet surfing getup.
And you? Boxers or briefs?

Joanna: I’m wearing an old dirty raincoat

Heather: Yeah, um, did I mention that I’m 12? Want my address?
Phone number? Last name? MAybe you could visit here and I could meet you in your scuzzy hotel room? We could watch cable and eat McDonald’s.

And that’s all the action that’s happening in my life right now. Like I said, it’s Friday night, and I’m at home, alone until Clayton and Leyton finish their respective work – which won’t make it more ragey. Want to know how trajic my life is? Okay, I’ll scan in my horoscope from She & More: MY GOD! IT ACTUALLY CAME TRUE!

I have to wait until FUCKING APRIL for him? JESUS WEPT MAN! Think he’s worth it?

So yeah, anyways, I have exciting news. I’m now servicing ‘units’ at a motel around the corner, at an hourly rate. Oooooh baby, I’m so fully shagged now. Fucking exhausting work. Seriously though, have you ever made 7 king sized beds in a row? The other cleaner, Paula confused the fuck out of me for ages going “and lux this room and then that one” – apparently, luxing is like the Greymouth word for vacuuming. Go figure. I have to remember to check under the beds for used condoms. Loverly. But the motel itself is brand spanking new, it’s one minute’s walk from my house, and I get $10 an hour. The downside is that it’s completly exhausting (oi – try doing it yourself before questioning that) and I’m now On-Call Friday Saturday and Sunday mornings. Bonus. Guess who might be leaving her phone off the hook after hard nights out? I guess I should email my parents and tell them. They’d be so proud!

I think that’s everything. But MAN! How depressing is that horroscope? Just when I’d decided that I need to find someone to sleep with because damned if I ever wanna make my own bed from now on!!!

Thursday 11; Febuary, 1999
Good Morning Annette!

I hope you weren’t woken up after only around 6 hours sleep by a mad woman pounding on your door. That’s what happened to me today. Well, it was Kate so I guess I shouldn’t say she’s mad, because I know she’ll read this and then beat me up. Hahahaha. So yeah. I let her in and went back to bed, but she didn’t want to sleep with me (that’s sleep, not anything else), she wanted me to go bed shopping with her.

I let her use my computer while I had a shower and got dressed, but I made sure that I shut down ICQ first so she couldn’t do naughty things with it. She wanted to go to this secondhand bed warehouse in Mount Roskill, cos she decided that the bed that I bought, which she was also going to buy, was too expensive. So yeah. I’m so smart, I figured out how to get there and everything. I guess Auckland’s not quite so bad once you get used to it.

We hopped onto plenty of beds in the warehousey place, but decided they were all too ugly – she wanted one with a headboard. Debating the various merits of a double vs a queen, I pointed out that if she was planning on having people stay over, a queen would be better. She said something like “No, I ask them to leave afterwards – and if they won’t, I go sleep elsewhere.” HAHAHA I so love her.

Then we went to a couple more shops down Dominion Road and stuff, and I guided her to Newmarket. We went to Burger King too, so I could get a greatly nutritious breakfast, and we discussed sleeping habits. I’m glad my mother doesn’t read my journal, so that she doesn’t know what shocking care I take of myself. Is that a proper sentence? I hope so. We looked in Freedom, and I drooled over stuff, imagining how cool it’d be to have a house with all new furnishings, but the beds were too expensive. So we went toa bed shop around the corner, where Kate found a cool slatbed with an iron frame (which isn’t as cool as mine) and got $100 off the price because she didn’t want the manchester and pillows and shit. She rocks. I could never bargain with people, man.

Then we went back to her place in Ponsonby, and I met her GORGEOUS kitten Tallulah (tori: “it must be worth losing if it is worth something” – only that song is spelt ‘Talula’) and one of her flatmates called Jared. And I got back my pants, which I’d left there last time I was drunk. I HAD A CHANGE OF CLOTHES, OKAY? Sheesh, I’m not that much of a drunken whore. Oh, and I solved the mystery of the mysterious mud on my shoe from the last time as well – there’s mud in her garage. Phew. It’s always a relief to know how I got dirty.

She drove me home, stopping in to say “hi” to Tamati who gestured and whispered because the big bosses were having a meeting, but he gave me a free piece of cake – pretending to take my money. After Kate had stolen some aper from me, I went online to create a new concept for my site – a Page Me page. This is where you can go to send messages straight to my cellphone. Please do enjoy it. Sure, I know I’m REALLY asking for it this time, but hey, it’ll be an adventure.

I took off my glasses to take a catnap on the bed in the lounge, but then i decided not to sleep and when I stood up I put my foot on them. They’re slipping off my nose now and are ever more crooked than they were before. I haven’t worn my contact lenses in like, a month. I should stop being so lazy and deal with them. Then I can see AND wear sunglasses. And read blackboard menus too. So that’s a trifle annoying, but hey!

In the evening, I watched “Dead Man Walking”. It was sad, and I cried some, but I cried for the victims, not for the prisoner on death row. I was maybe expecting my stance on the death penalty to change, but it hasn’t. I still believe that some murderers and rapists deserve to die. They have destroyed a life, and have therefore given up any rights that they have. It scares me that I can hate so strongly. I sort of wish I could be like Susan Sarandon’s character, able to love, and relinquish hatred for a greater good, but I can’t. And I guess it’s just being able to hate, not having to see two sides of a story or anything like that.

My evening was also peppered with drunken cellphone calls from Clare. She makes me laugh, man! Kini’s friend Anthony scanned in his chest for us, so that’s up on the Breast page. My sixth form diary is sitting open in front of me, so it’s kind of hard to stay focused on writing this entry. I’d much rather read my pathetic little ben-obsessive entries. Speaking of Ben, watch Annette’s page on Valentines Day. She’s launching a little collaborative project then. She’s getting her own domain soon, which’ll be cool cos I’d get to wear a tshirt advertising it. PLUS I’d also have like the most traffic on Vision then, if current stats continue. I’m so selfcentred. At least y’all know what to expect from me though, right?

I wish I knew what to expect from my life right now. Stuff’s kinda spooking me out a little. Don’t be concerned for my sake, it’s just bizzare. One day maybe you’ll read about it all. Just not today.

xoxoxox

Oh yeah and remember to fill in the form on yesterday’s entry if you want to be paged on your vodaphone!!!

Monday 8; Febuary, 1999

this came from Engine. Sorry if I’ve broken any copyrights

I scanned this in today for someone and I figured that you might enjoy it too. I mis Frankman, and I miss Engine too.
I finally talked to Dee this morning. Sheesh, I haven’t seen her in like, years. She rang me while I was lying in my new big bed, feeling kind of like I was on honeymoon only I was wearing scummy pj bottoms and an ugly tshirt instead of my authentic 1970s orange and yellow honeymoon neglige or my 1960s Barbarella slip.

There are some tasty visuals for you, huh? Anyways, she was just as enthralled as me to learn that her best friend from early High School, Theresa is none other than the Theresa of Kate’s friend fame who has been responsible for a great deal of damage to my body these past weeks. So yeah.

Kate came over today, and told me I was going to her place on Saturday for drinks before the Hero Parade. I told her I don’t like parades. She was like “but it’s the HERO Parade”. I don’t care if it’s the Hero Parade. That’s no different in my mindset than a Santa Parade, a Saint Patrick’s Day Parade, or that really really stupid thing they had back in ’95 when everyone wore red socks and threw paper in the street because of some boat winning some expensive race and I was the only person left in my English class because everyone else wagged to go and see it but I was protesting. Anyways, Kate doesn’t take no for an answer ever. Someone remind me please to take along RED wine with me so that I don’t have repeat inncidents of last time’s capers. Choice.

Speaking of stalkers – not that I was, but hey, my rinky dinky counter told me this morning that I’d been linked to from a journal entry on Olivia’s page. Who is Olivia? Well, I was asking myself that same question when I got an authorization request from her on ICQ. So yeah, I had a chat to her, and she was really cool. She said that she’s been seriously thinking of ringing me up on my cellphone, which made me giggle heaps. Can you imagine that, being rung by someone you don’t even know while you’re out in public and are showing off anyway? Well, I got good visuals of it, anyways.

What else? Oh yeah, Kate helped me dis-assemble my single bed (“if you were a green metal bedframe, you’d want to be hit with a hammer too” as I said to her when she complained about the noise) and so this evening I rearranged the lounge to acomodate it

Clayton: “I’m jealous because both you and Simon have beds with wrought iron headboards”

Me: “Well soon, anytime you feel like playing ‘tie-me-up’ games, you can just do it on the single in the lounge”

Of course, that conversation didn’t take place today, because he’s in the Coramandel. That’s actually kinda lucky, all things considered, because I got a tape in the mail today from Andee. It’s got awesome stuff like 5ive and Billie on it. I was singing and dancing like there was no tomorrow.

And if there is no tomorrow, you’ll need the following websites to amuse yourself with:

www.myboot.com | www.jailbabies.com – I reccomend Felicia

thanks to kini for the urls and for stalking me so well

Sunday 7; Febuary, 1999
I watched “Bed of Roses” tonight and I’m quite disappointed. Jo wanted Christian Slater to die, so that there could have been more tragedy, but I think that’s taking it a bit too far. I just wanted a really good weepy movie, cos that’s so what I felt like, but no! It was a big let down.

That’s okay though, cos I talked to Jo on the phone for an hour so that made everything okay. Her and I are going to win Lotto so that A) she can fly up for my flatwarming, and B) so we can both go to Oregon. Heather said we could stay with her and sleep in her twin bed. That’ll be choice. I wanna go crazy and eat in American Diners and stock up on American products.

Speaking of beds, I’ve only had about 8 people filling in my form. That’s okay though, cos they’ve been pretty good offers. I think so far the best one I’ve had is from a guy who says he’s got a Scottish accent. Mmmmmmmmmmmm. Hahahaha the things people will say to get to pretend they get to get a girl into bed.

What I really really want right now is someone stalking me with flowers. I like yellow roses and wild flowers the best, if you’re after a hot tip. Come pleaaaaaase – Valentines Day is coming up soon and everything. I think I deserve real honest to goodness admirers.

But now I’m going to bed in my new big bed. Even though it’s rickety, it’s made up with brand new manchester, so I will feel like I’m sleeping in a hotel. Instead of an flatmateless house. I talked to my parents on the phone today, because it was a $2 day, and they were grateful for the call – as they should be. I’m still a little traumatised by my father’s jokes about nuts though when i asked him about tools.

And here’s a parting question – what sort of person would turn me down when I invited them over to help me tighten nuts?

Saturday 6; Febuary, 1999 – Waitangi Day
When I woke up, I thought I was in bed with Kate. I was wrong. I was in bed with Theresa. I don’t remember her coming home at all, but apparently I woke up and talked to her until she told me to go back to sleep, whereupon I replied “Sweetass Bro” and did so.

Then we had another interesting conversation when Kate jumped on the bed with us.

Theresa: “Kate, did you throw up last night?”

Kate: “No”

Joanna: (giggles)

Theresa: “Joanna, did you throw up last night?”

Joanna: (giggles) “No”

Theresa: “Yes you did, I found your tshirt. Where’s my towel?”

Kate and Joanna: (giggles)

Theresa: “You used it to clean up vomit didn’t you?”

Kate and Joanna: (giggles)

The moral of the story is that Kate drove me home at 8am, and I gave her some nice fluffy towels, cutlery and one of the phones to take home with her. Then I grabbed a big bottle of water and tumbled into bed. I got up again at 12.30pm cos my BED was finally delivered. YAAAAAAAY.

So I looked at the pieces of it for a while and went back to bed, but I couldn’t sleep so I had a really long nauseous shower, got dressed, and decided to assemble the fucker.

God I wish I had a man, and that man had a tool kit. Two hours later, my bed was all in one piece, only the head and footboard are kinda loose. Like, hitting the wall with the slightest movement kind of loose. But I guess that makes it more exciting in a rickety old whorehouse kind of way. Better fill in the form.

So yeah. Later I took a nap on the bed, leaving it wrapped in its plastic shroud. I felt like a piece of meat on a butcher’s counter. That was kinda cool. I felt ill all day. The Wendy’s I got for dinner actually made me feel better. That’s sick and just wrong.

Friday 5; Febuary, 1999
I finally rang the people at Farmers and they told me that my bed is being delivered tommorrow – YAY. So y’all can go and fill out the form in anticipation. I’ve only had like five offers so far, which is shocking. Come on, you all know you want me.

Hahahah sorry, excuse me. I’m severely hungover now (feb 6). Oh yeah, I guess I should explain how that came to be, huh?

Well I had a nothing day – I kept waking up in the morning, which sucked. Maybe it’s because my curtains are nearly transparent. Light is so annoying. I was just so dead all day long, and I fully did not feel like going out. However, I knew that if I didn’t leave the house, I would sit around moping. Kate didn’t wanna come pick me up, so she gave me garbled directions to her new house in Ponsonby. I took a bus into town, then a taxi from the Sheraton.

The taxi driver was really nice, and a bit into Astrology, which was amusing. He was telling me about his 16 year old step daughter, who’s a bit ‘fiesty’ at times because she’s a Libra. And I talked to him stacks about my course and stuff. He was choice. So yeah.

Kate and Theresa made me wait outside until the security lights to go on so that they could give me the proper tour of their house, including their two inch hot tub, yellow lounge, and assorted bedrooms. It’s a very cool house, and I’m quite jealous, only I do love this flat dearly too. We inflated two airbeds, and that was all the furniture that they had. But that’s okay, cos I got to drink (white – ick) wine from cool plastic cups.

A whole bunch of Theresa’s friends from the Shore and from Dunnivegas came over, and we all sat around for ages talking about about the most do-able cartoon characters and stuff. It was so very fifth form, because it was all girls. I remember I got warm fuzzies cos Kate told me that Theresa really liked me, and Marissa said she liked me too, so yay. I’m so easily pleased, man. Then everyone went to town except for me and Kate, so we went next door because the neighbours had invited us over.

There were three guys there, and two girls, all sitting around on the balconey, talking and drinking. I guess they were around 25. So we sat and yacked to them for a while. One of the chicks had a kid, and so we told her about Jess. They were really cool, except that I think Kate felt a bit ashamed of me because I just wanted to get horizontal (as I do when I drink) so I was lying on their balcony. We left when two of the guys and the chick with a baby disappeared to have a threesome. But the baby wasn’t there. I should probably just make that clear.

Back to Kate’s house we went. I climbed into her huge big clawfoot bathtub. It was like being in a massive egg, deliciously cool, and suprisingly comfortable. I could have stayed in there forever, if it wasn’t for the fact that I had to go and vomit. I think it was the mug of Absolut Citron that caused that. I’m not used to drinking quality vodka, you see.

So yeaaaaaah. Umm. I lay with my head on the toilet seat going “KATE! Make it stop! Make the room stop spinning”. She just laughed and laughed at me. I thought she didn’t have any hairties, but I woke up with my hair in a pony tail, so I guess she put my hair back for me. I was so ashamed that I wanted to die, but since she spent all last year in Dunedin, Excessive Drinking Capital of the World, she just laughed. I guess this was payback for her coma’ing in my bathtub when we were 15.

Then we ordered pizza. Of course, there was no phone in her flat so I had to ring it off my mobile, (021 21 27 920 hahaha I so wanna be rung) which took ages cos I had to punch in like our location and stuff. I don’t remember giving the guy our address, but I did tell him I had $20 and I wanted an apricot chicken pizza. He told me that he was going to send over a deal with garlic bread and chips and pepsi. Bless his little boots.

Kate and I laid down on one of the airbeds, and had a heart-to-heart which was very amusing. She told me the pizza wasn’t ever coming, so I thought that was a bit rude. Then I felt sick again, so I started throwing up in a jug that somehow was in my hands. I imagine that Kate, the good faerie that she is, had given it to me for that exact reason. So yeah, there’s me, sprawled across the floor, chucking up for all I’m worth. That’s when I notice there’s a stranger standing in the room.

It was the pizza boy, and he was laughing his head off at me. Through mouthfuls of bile, I imagine I laughed a little myself. I think I probably would also have sworn at him, and maybe said that I hated him. Poor lad, I’m sure he’s crushed. Not.

I guess I went to bed shortly after scoffing a lot of pizza, dragging one of the airbeds into a little room. I couldn’t untie the knot in my sleeping bag cord, so I stole Marrissa’s – and her pillow. I wanted to be comfy.