Hubris.co.nz

Thursday August 22nd

If the phone rings one more fucking time, I swear I am going to hurt someone – but of course, I’m on the net, so HAH, it can’t ring. Take that, motherfuckers. I’ve taken to barking “THEY’RE NOT HOME” every time it rings now, since it’s both Clay and Bopha’s birthdays and the phone has been ringing nonstop and it’s always Clay’s horrible family members. If I wanted to be a receptionist, I would not have spent three and a half years getting multiple qualifications. I probably would have dropped out in sixth form.

So, today is Thursday and the last day I wrote was Monday, so I guess I should feel obligated to fill you in on my week. After all, you’re still my captive audience even if I haven’t heard from you in forever – well, I’m guessing that I am, and if you’re not reading this, then you won’t be able to let me know that I’m wrong, so really, it’s a win-win situation, kinda but not really. But anyways.

Tuesday: I had to get up earlish to get my ass over to Newmarket where we went to Westfield’s Nuffield Street Project’s headquarters to listen to their communications woman talk about their public consultation programme and how successful they have been and how they’ve scaled back the “mega mall” project they were gonna implement, so that was kinda really interesting. Then everyone had to hop it back to campus for Human Resources lectures, and then I went to the library to start looking up my hypothesis – “HR communicators need to have a thorough understanding of the implications of Sick Building Syndrome in order to protect their workers”. This is a reminder once again, children, that you should go to classes in order to avoid the lameass topics (not like i did today). After that, I had coffee with Thomas (because just between you and me, I do still worry about him, and also because it’s cool we’ve got to a stage where I can send him text messages going “BOYS SUCK” and he will text back offering to beat people up for me). Later that evening, after much wardrobe fretting, Haley picked me up and we went to our client’s hat shop opening in Kingsland. I managed two and a half glasses of bubbly and conversation with an ex-lecturer (“that scary guy is still looking t you! he’s giving you the glad eye!” – haley) before Haley had to go to work and I had to go and meet Jezza and Renae at the pub for quiz night. There, tragedy struck – I realised I didn’t feel like drinking! Shock horror, and so consequently, we didn’t win. It felt dirty and wrong and soiled.

Wednesday: Hmmmm, I almost had a total memory blank here, but then I realised that Wednesday was yesterday, so in that case, I can remember. Half a day working, doing name badges and other such things, making sure that our big major event next Saturday is going to go smoothly. I was also told that I’ve been shortlisted for Terri’s position and will probably have an interview on Monday or Tuesday. Gulp. I also spent my time emailing KateH and asking her to make the final decision on an issue for me – BradM told me to ask (one of) the boy(s) I fancy out for coffee, while Jezza says that that particular boy isn’t interesting enough for me and I need someone with more spark – but she claimed she’s too much of a fence sitter. Inncidently, when I say I wanted her to make my decision for me, that’s not actually what I meant. You may or may not know that the way I work is that I make my mind up about something and then canvas opinions from my entire social circle until I find someone who agrees totally with me and then I get to use them as like, my expert witness. We all went out to dinner (like, twelve of us) at the Canton Cafe in Kingsland for Clay’s birthday, cos we’d finally managed to get a booking, adn we made it our mission to last there for at least an hour – it was almost two before dinner was finished. The food there is SO GOOD. But the company was real wack. Leo kept trying to get me drunk (cos sure, that’s hard) and I could see KateH and Jezza discussing me over the other side of the table, wheras Morrison was even less subtle with her appraisal of the particular boy that KateH and Jezza were appraising (their verdict – perhaps a change from the usual drama boys would be healthy for me). I like lazy susans. I also like all the food at Canton. I ended up paying $20 as my share of a feast, which included the rest of us paying for Clay and Bopha both in honour of their birthdays, and a $10 tip. Good good good value. It’s funny though, that Clay’s friends are all cheap and don’t bring their own wine, wheras all of my friends did. After that, we got taxis and went and danced and danced and danced at Retro. I got shirty cos of course goddamfuckingKara put her handbag down in the middle. I HATE DANCING AROUND A MOTHERFUCKING HANDBAG! DO I LOOK LIKE I WEAR WHITE PANTS? Grrr. Anyways, eventually we all went home, and since he’d been flirting iwht me hardcore all night and everyone was whispering “there’s definitely chemistry” to me, I decided to sort things out once and for all with the boy. When we were standing outside my building by ourselves, I said “Pop quiz!” to him, and he was all “umm, okay.. I dunno if I’m good at these” so I said “it’s a simple yes/no question” and he said he could do that, and so I said “are you at all interested in me?” and he was a little taken aback, but he said no, and I said that was cool, and he was like “wow, that was out of the blue (OH REALLY? ARE YOU A FUCKING MORON?) you’re really straight up, aren’t you? That’s really cool” and then Clay came up so I just laughed and reiterated that it was cool. I did end up calling Tom to talk about it later though, because hey, no one likes rejection. Especially rejection that makes you feel like you’re totally not fanciable by anyone. If I want to make myself feel better about it, I can think that maybe it has something to do with the fact that I ruthlessly shagged his best friend the night we all met (oh yeah, cos thinkign about that stage’o my life always makes me feel better). Meh. At least I’m not wasting anymore time on him, and he’s cool enough that hopefully, we’ll still be cool.

Thursday: that being today, of course, was making yoghurt&peach cake for the flatties, more work, and too many goddam people ringing this evening for Clay and Bo. I got to see Emma this afternoon though, which was choice, cos I’d just been thinking about her before I got home. And I wanted to have a catchup chat with both KateB (who was just on her way out) and Anji (except she texted to say she was out to dinner with the whanau) so I didn’t talk to anyone. But I might go have telephone conversations now, and so that will be good. I have a big meeting at work tomorrow to discuss all the final details for this big event, so I guess I gotta get to bed at some decent hour so as to be able to cope with the things I gotta do.

Wednesday March 6th

I myself am often amazed at life’s little quirks.

So I have confessions to make. Do I do them at the start or the end of the journal? Or should I put them in where I guess they fit chronologically, in terms of why I started to think about it allanyways? Or should I put them in here and just get it out of the way? Okay. I’m not a good person. I think it’s commonly known that I’ve slept with someone while I was in love with someone else. It gets worse. You know the boy I refered to as “my fucktoy” ? Well, he had a girlfriend when we started. I felt twinges of guilt if I ever had to hang out with her, but the only time it ever really bugged me was after I had to go and get the Morning After pill when the condom broke, which I’d never had to do before and it was scary although I played it all cool and “yeah it’s not a big deal at all” and he’d offered to come with me but when I went to his house afterwards, she was over. In fact, after he broke up with her, the attraction really wasn’t there for me, except for the night that I scored someone at a wedding who wouldn’t come home with me so I manipulated the fucktoy into shagging me again even though wewere both kind of bored of it. I’m pretty sure that most of the girls that I’ve scored have had partners. I have no idea about a few random people that I’ve met in bars. I use people when my self esteem needs boosting, or when I’m bored, or I’m trying to make some sort of point or if I just feel like having some fun. I take advantage of people. The only thing to my credit in all of these situations is that I’m ALWAYS straight up about it. I never even imply that I have feelings for any of them, or tell them that I want to see them again when I don’t. I don’t ask them to tell me all about them when I’m just using them for one purpose. But that’s not enough to redeem me and give me good karma is it? Karma Police, arrest this girl, and everything.

One of the excellentest things about living in town is that I got up 15 minutes before my tutorial today. I had friends in class today! Since I changed Com Strat tutorials, I now have it at the same time as Mike, who’s Kateb’s friend and who I always thought was cute. Excellent, especially since his girlfriend ISN’T in the same tut. Also, I was chatty with Jinan, who is my partner on our first assignment, so that’s me sitting between two people I knew and introducing them and everything. That feels much better. And then, when I was waiting outside the building to have lunch with Clay, I bumped into BenII who I had a crush on first and second year, and since he’s doing advertising this year, no doubt I’ll see him around also, so that’s good. I think he was the boy that I first starting using the phrase “eyecandy” on. Blah blah blah.

After lunch with Clay, I went to see if Icould get my text books any cheaper from Borders, and then I went to peruse their magazines, thinking all the time about my IMC branding essay that I have to do. I lusted after an Adbusters magazine, but it was like $32 so I settled for a Q instead, because it came with a cd’o the best stuff’o 2001, so now I’m listening to N.E.R.D a lot. And Ash.

In Persuasive Communication this afternoon, we learnt that if you get an inconsistent reaction, you’re much more likely to persist in an attempt to get attention which explains oh so much about me. Apparently also, your levels of persuasion ability are related to your level of self esteem as well – the lower your self esteem the easier it is to be talked into things because you don’t have a voice in your head validating your own opinion. That also makes sense.

This evening Maree picked me up and took me to her house where we met up with Shirley and walked down to Cima for drinks. I got an attack of the blahs and fell silent for a lot of the time, plus I had a lot of study to do so I went home. Much later in the evening, I started to watch Last Tango in Paris, if only so that I could see how Marlon Brando looked mid-career, as oppposed to him being very hot and very young or very old and very ugly. I think there’s a lesson in there that all beauty fades . But it felt too hollow for my liking so I went and bought chocolate and watched The Princess Bride instead. One of Clay’s friends rang for him while he was out and because he’s new to Auckland and doesn’t have any friends he spent 15 minutes insulting me instead. Eventually I had to hang up on him though, because honestly, that’s no way to speak to a lady! He was the guy that I’d meant to score the night I ended up with the boat shoe boy instead, and so he had me worried when he said something about going to a vet to check for diseases. I worried that he was implying that maybe I’d given his friend something, but possibly I’m just paranoid. I don’t remember the sex but I do remember freaking out afterwards and making sure he was wearing a condom. Besides, I’m pretty 99% sure that there’s no way that I have anything, although I will book a U22 appointment real soon just to double check. I know I’m talking very ummm ‘loosely’ in this entry tonight, I think maybe it’s my way of reminding myself not to revert back to this behaviour just because I’m scared that whenever I like anyone I end up getting hurt.

Tomorrow I’m taking Clay to Cash Convertors so he can sell his little tv cos we finally got the widescreen back. Boys and their big toys eh? I swear, this widescreen tv is so fucking ugly, only Ben’s stereo matches it in excessiveness. I don’t have a class until 4, but I do have a lot of study to do before then, especially since I’m interviewing my mentor on Friday morning and I gotta do a lot of prep work before that, and I’m sure there’s something I was going to do tomorrow night. So much work! But I love being back in class, I so missed talking to other intelligent people these past six months being at home all day by myself or even worse having to talk to Ben. Intellectually challenged isn’t really intellectually challenging! Oooh, that’s MEAN. I just have a fetish for arguing with Communication Students, I think. Or not arguing as such, rather having heated discussions. Learning is very good for me. And to that end, I’m going to go and finish reading Q and then maybe try to sleep, but I’m betting I won’t be able to.

Wednesday, February 27th

You know, I don’t genuinely believe that these crackers were actually cooked in a tandoor oven eh. Oh, it’s dark and I’m drunk and a million miles away from my moniter perched on the end of my mattress and my keyboard is sitting precariously in my lap, bear with me okay?

But not the kind of bear that gets sulfuric acid poured on him by chinese students to test their intelligence though, cos that fuckingsucks. Of course bears are intelligent! What kind of moron are you?

In Persuasive Communication today we compared speeches by Martin Luther King Jr and Osama Bin Laden. I think I am going to like that class. Hopefully I don’t sound like too much of a Grand Dick.

Mad at Ben for wakingme up at 4.30am askin gof my car keys. My first impulse was that it was an emergency so I said yes but then I realised that he would have just been going to buy drugs so I am VERY MAD. Dammit I wish people wouldn’t take advantage of me while I’min a subconcious state. That includes trying to talk to me about serious things while I’m stoned so of course I’m just going to smile and nod.

Today I had lunch with Jody at Mezze so that was cool and since we haven’t rteally seen each other in months we had to catch each other up on all our mini scandals (mine were of course the microbiologist fingering me on the couch in the foyer at Dee’s weddding until the staff member told us off and shagging Clay’s boat wearing friend. Hers were none of your business). Then I had class, and then I nearly passed out in the book shop from heat and dehydration. One of my texts is $100 so I didn’t buy it. I only bought one that was $80 second hand. Fucking hell!

Oooh when I laid back just now, every vertabrae made an excellent cracking sound, i enjoyed it immensely. When I rang Brad at his parents’ today cos he’s on holiday, he said he was goingto do standup tonight, so I went to that. I was supposed to go with Clay only he was too drunk, so I was justsitting with Nigel and some random other guy we didn’t know who was weird. Some of the comedians were using jokes they were using two years ago when I was doubledating. Then when we got out, Jody and Andy were waiting for us so we had drinks and hilarity and then went to Retro Night at the Grand Circle. I love dancing with those people, they’re so much fun and they take the piss and yeah, it’s just lots and lots of fun. I “danced up on” Nigel, to get all Brittany on you, and he freaked out, whcih amused me. But eventually I was just about to pass out from the heat again, so I figured I should probably go, and so now hereI am and so now I will go.