Hubris.co.nz

Last week was totally exhausting. Actually, the week before that was exhausting as well. But I can say quite definitely that it also contained one of my top career highlights so far, so that’s pretty awesome, right? Should we mix it up and go topically, or go chronologically like usual-ish? I guess if we go chronologically, I will remember more about my time in Sydney, so let’s start there, shall we? And if you don’t like that, then perhaps you could leave me a comment to register your discontent. Rad.

Sydney and FullCodePress

So, as you will no doubt recall, I tried out for Full Code Press, and didn’t make the team, so the lovely Tash suggested that I come along anyway as volunteer. It meant a flight at some ridiculous time in the morning, but also my first Koru Club experience in 15 years or so. I love Air NZ’s newish inscreen entertainment screens, especially since a flight to Sydney involves stupidly long amounts of time on the tarmac. I got to meet all the Code Blacks people that I hadn’t already met, and it made me chuckle how we all had webstock satchels.

My hotel wouldn’t let me check in early, so I went and had a walk around Darling Harbour, having breakfast, reading the (tabloidy) paper, drinking average coffee and enjoying it being t shirt weather. I went back up to the hotel and they still didn’t have a room ready, so I sat sulking in the lobby for a bit before I rode the monorail and went and got a very nice pedicure inside the mall. And then, finally, I could check in. This was my room:

The bedroom looked out into the super huge giant atrium, and the living room had these awesome nighttime views:

I like views of the city at night. I also like getting to finally have naps, and wake up and have Kate B be there, and I like going swimming with her, and then drinking wine with her and looking through her portfolio. I like that her web work is pretty much the opposite of mine, it being all advertising, all flash, whereas I am all advocating for accessibility, in theory if not quite so much in practice.

Anyways, so Kate and I sorted out our hair and jumped in a taxi to go and meet up with her friend Rob and The Mayor of Newtown, at a pub called Cooper’s that was not dissimilar to the Southern Cross with its outdoor terrace. There we compared handwriting, broke glasses and spent a very long time trying to decide where to have dinner. The Mayor’s initial suggestion of a place across the seat was vetoed by Kate on account of the bad lighting, and my criteria was that it needed to have wine. Eventually we set off for a different Vietnamese place, but it was closed, so we went to find a different one. King Street is almost exactly like K’Road, in terms of architecture and people and shops and eateries. We found a Vietnamese restaurant that may have been called Viet Maison, which had a Tiki-Bar although I didn’t see that initially, and OH MY GOD, we ate the most fantastic food – soft shell crab with garlic butter, salt & pepper eggplant, crispy pork hot pot, duck pancakes, lemongrass tofu, coconut rice, oh my god oh my god oh my god. It was so fresh and amazing. I want to eat there every day. Can’t we swap half Wellington’s Malaysian restaurants for some more Vietnamese places? Please? Kate broke another glass, and so we went to another bar called Zanzibar. The Mayor bumped into a friend of his who was in a band and owned his own tiki shack. I’d had enough wine that I was struggling to not imply that the friend was in INXS. It was 1am before I knew it. It was very much fun.

The next day was FULLCODEPRESS so I found my way down to the Conference Centre, and then into the Exhibition Centre, which is the largest building I have ever seen. It’s like, a kilometre long, at least. The FCP stuff was taking place in the middle of all the shiny technology exhibits, so it looked like this:

I hung around for a bit while they were just getting started, and was given access to the official FCP blog, and then I went and met my cousin Jacinta for lunch. She took me to a really lovely Thai place past Chinatown, and I shamed myself by being unable to finish my chili and basil tofu because it was too hot. Laaaaamer.

Another swim and a nap later, I was ready for the FCP lock-in. My role was to blog and twitter about it using the #fcp09, to talk to the nice judges, and to try and sniff out mysterious smells in the media room. It was lots of fun. I also enjoyed making Clint from Rainbow Youth dance for me. Okay, so I wasn’t really helping anyone very much at all, except in my capacity as entertainer. I still felt good about being involved. But not so good that when 2am rolled around and people started sleeping that I didn’t feel stupid for being there when I had a nice hotel across and up the road waiting for me, so I found a security guard to let me out and had a heart-pounding but brightly lit walk back.

I had wanted to get back to FCP by 11am in time for the finish, but that zopiclone, she is a hard task mistress, and it was not to be. Instead I went and ate barramundi in the sunshine. That was lovely – trying to find the FCP annoucements was not so much fun. In fact, I felt somewhat like I was in The Twelve Tasks of Asterix when he needs to get a piece of paper signed. Not a single “information” desk in all of the kilometres of building actually had the information. In fact, a couple of them gave me unformation, and sent me miles off in the wrong direction. Luckily I eventually found some of the judges, but not before I had discovered a conference called “What causes happiness?” (apparently, cupcakes for afternoon tea causes happiness) which would be a nice counterpoint to the conference I’d see the next day at the Powerhouse Museum called “Depression in older people”. Anyways. I got there just in time to hear the judging, which was really really interesting to find out what makes a site good, according to the experts. And The CodeBlacks won! Hurray us! And hurray charity, as I wrote about in my work blog. Etc. So really what I should write about now was the cat-herding required to get everyone to the Pump House for drinks, and then off to the Spanish area for dinner, but everywhere was full so we ended up in a really old Greek restaurant where the lamb was tasty but I suspect that the vegetables had been cooking probably since it opened in the olden days. People appeared to be flagging so I taxied back to my hotel, but they actually stayed up drinking until 2am. Good for them!

The next day was a nice sleep in, a leisurely checkout, then freshly squeezed juice to treat my swineflu/airconditioning flu, and i set off to the Powerhouse Museum. More walking. I was determined to get there because I’ve always been impressed with Seb Chan’s work, and I really enjoyed it, although the ghost figures it used were spooky, and there were a lot of school children loitering about. Who are they to enjoy the culture? Pah! I was hungry and their cafe was uninspiring so I walked down to the madness that is Paddy’s Market, purchased a light shade and two Chinese cigarette posters (in case we ever start an opium den in the tiki shack), and kept looking because I didn’t feel like foodcourt Asian. In fact, I walked all the way back to Darling Harbour and made my way down all the cafes, looking for a plate of fish’n chips that would be under $30. In the end, I came to a place with an adequate bbq, and beers that I guzzled down, but because I had so much time left and I didn’t want to walk anymore, i plonked my fat ass down at the Lindt Chocolate Cafe to eat a degustation plate by myself. Mmmmm. I left with a sea of brown floating around in my eyes, it was so intense. Back to my hotel to collect my bags and be collected by the shuttle driver, and into Sydney Airport. I made my way directly to the MAC counter as soon as I spotted it, where with the lady’s help I purchased a Russian Red red lipstick, but she lacked a matching liner and advised me to look at other brands. I also bought a compact of colours from their special collection that no doubt I did not need but I dearly wanted. I pulled up a seat at the bar, and strangely enough, the other NZers found me there. I watched In Bruges on the plane, and thoroughly enjoyed it, along with the pie I got. I also thoroughly enjoyed getting home to my own bed.

Cupcakes and Mini Webstock

Now I’m not sure if you remember, but after Webstock earlier this year, I made cupcakes for Tash and Ben and Mike and Deb to say thank you so much for their hard work. Well, it turned out that they liked them so much that they hired me to make 100 cupcakes for their third birthday party. Here’s a photo of how some of that looked:

Because I am slightly insane, i decided to make six flavours – vanilla w chocolate frosting, mocha, lemon & cream cheese, mixed berry & white chocolate, gluten-free chocolate and almond, and vegan pina colada. I ended up pretty much drowning in batter and my stomach hurts just thinking about the leftover icing in the fridge!

The Webstock Mini night made it all worthwhile though. It was a lovely chance to get really dressed up, hang out with my besties, try to corrupt Alan, and heckle people drunkenly via Twitter. Even if i did end up drink at the Malt House – at least they had signs up saying they were renovating the male bathrooms and were hopefully removing their incredibly misogynistic urinals.

#GOVIS09 and twicking up

That was the Tuesday. On the Wednesday I was at work until after 11pm, duvet and all, struggling to sumarise 18 months of work into one 34 minute slide presentation. According to the Twitter feedback, I did quite well (scroll down) – or here or ,here – the problems of multiple identities! Once I managed to get some proper cafenet access and had a chance to read all that, well, I was just completely blown away and may have had a little cry. I definitely had a hugely swollen head and cut’n paste the praise into an email I sent to my whole family. It was just so amazingly nice to be acknowledged for the work I do – even though, or especially because there’s like 40 days left of me working there. It’s a tiny bit of a “oh, are you sure you’re doing the right thing, SSC?” and also a “I know that I am smart and talented and can be employable”. There were drinks, and I met a stalker who brought me wine then there was dinner at Roxy. It was tasty and entertaining, even if I had to talk to Australians for ages. Oh god the pain of it all!

The next day at the conference, I felt much much more secure and safe and smug, and more people wanted to talk to me. I even started calling myself a ‘social media expert’ but you must believe that I was saying it as if I was saying “I’m Rick James, Bitch!” Nat’s closing speech was of course my favourite of them all since I missed Matt’s but his was very highly regarded too. It was fun. I learnt things.

And then there were drinks. And more drinks. And a lot of fish on sticks, and hot roast beef sandwiches, and homemade pistachio ice cream, and more drinks, And then I ended up going to Hummingbird for the Tweet Up, and then I went to China Delight for dinner with the Toms and some new friends, and then we went to Hummingbird for a drink or two more. Alisa left my old work to manage the bar there so it was nice to catch up with her.

My weekend and the future

There has been a lot of sleeping and trying to stay warm. There has been feasts at Siem Reap. There’s been a lot of twitter time. There’s been a lot of duveting. That’s really about it. Tomorrow I go for an eye example, since glasses are still subsidised at work. Then on Tuesday I’m going to EAP to plan for the future. After that, well, who knows? I could use some quiet times but I’m not seeing a whole lot of that happening any time soon. I am more confident about being hireable based on GOVIS though. Career highlights are nice.

Sleeping and so forth

It is odd to have bedded two people in such a short space of time, (although my record is still 3 in two weeks in 2003) because of the contrast between the old and the new. It’s also redonkulous that I’ve bitched and moaned about wanting to be able to actually have sleepovers, but when it comes down to it, I had to leave a warm bed and go out into the cold cold night because of how I am physically incapable of sleeping without taking zopiclone. Doing a line-by-line comparison would be amusing for me but also totally totally inappropriate, so I will just leave the public exposure of private things to the contrast between my necklaces clacking together as my head moved back and forth, and the moment of having a lover gently unclasp my necklace, which seems to be even more of an intimate act.

Things are all bleeding into other things right now, except for my twat bleeding into my panties like it should be, except for the occasional days of spotting. Oh yes that’s right, it wouldn’t be a proper Hubris entry if we didn’t spend at least part of the time talking about my period now would it?

When you last heard from me, I was heading off to a house in Otaki, where the water in the ocean was warm like a bathtub, and the shelves stacked with trashy books. Behold:
.

I have been reading a lot lately. I have to mention Barbara Taylor Bradford’s dreadful book about some family dynasty, which read like a radio play, with the characters narrating all the action “Oh how well you look in that blue satin dress with the intricate lace trimming that highlights your eyes” and “oh look, there is a horse running toward us wildly and it appears that the rider has lost control”. Uggh. It was also like The Odyssey in its repetition of how handsome and brave and loyal the main character was. You know, despite his mistresses and everything.

I know that this book was not important enough in my life to warrant a paragraph like that, but I’m trying to bring back more of the trivial experiences into my writing. I don’t want Hubris to be only about my depression. But in that area, I’ve switched back to taking my meds during the day, they definitely weren’t helping me sleep. Sleep is still a weird thing, dreams are incredibly detailed and realistic-seeming, apart from random nakedness of neighbours. And sleep comes at the wrong times, after 4am, and during meetings when I’m sitting at the back of the room. I’m hoping the end of daylight savings will help me sort out a little of my body clock.

I keep planning things when I know I’m not supposed to. We’re having a wine quiz on Friday at Karen’s, email me if you want come along. At some stage we want to have a TEN THOUSAND party for The Wellingtonista because we’re getting 10,000 unique hits a month now, which is exciting. And I’ve set up The Aucklandista as well. It’s been fun being a master of my own domain. But I am probably doing too many things at once.

At Lisa’s flatwarming party this Saturday, she shoved a cock in my mouth, so later I shoved my tongue in hers. Then her temporary guest kicked me out of his bed where I’d gone to sleep because the house was full of people sleeping everywhere. Who kicks hot girls out of their beds? Exactly. When Karen, Dylan and I shared a taxi back into town, I made it all the way to my street, $47 later, but when we stopped outside of my house, I had to open the door to puke luminous green bile into the street. So classy. Also, whoever thought it was a good idea to let me have access to my cellphone when I’m drinking?

There are other things, other parties. Foot rubs in Mt. Cook, foot rubs here at home. Wine festivals in the Wairarapa. Quietish nights on the couch watching Black Books. Playing records until 6am with new friends. Anji’s flatwarming with piles of meat, dancing and pole-dancing. Being a lady-who-lunches with Martha. Trying to deal with the piles and piles of paperwork at work that is piling up. That’s not really a party though I suppose. Internet dramas. Sharing Jill NSFW’s rage at the new ALAC ads.

On the domestic front I spent Thursday cooking for an hour and a half so I felt all domesticated, but I need to clean. I do have someone coming in to fix the washing machine tomorrow though. I have Anji’s signature on a piece of paper so maybe I’ll get my bond back from Hataitai finally. Etc.

The most important thing is that I’ve decided exactly what I want for my future. Unfortunately I didn’t win the lotto, but I figure maybe I can work on parts of my dream (Read: New Media Empire) without necessarily having the huge warehouse-house on the edge of the city to house my offices, my social life and to act as a venue for the community. Maybe that bit will come after I’ve IPO’ed.

40 questions I answer every year.
1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?
2007: Had people fight over me to work for them. Went to the wrestling. Watched people play cricket. Enjoyed both of those things. Oh, and had someone fancy me (seriously, who does that?), and treat them badly while trying to do the right thing.

2006: Started saving for my retirement! Went to New York! Went to San Francisco! Owned framed artwork! Owned a sideboard! Been insanely houseproud. And had a regular gym habit that I am addicted to.
2005: Had workmates that I counted as friends and regularly went out with. Lived with my sister as a flatmate. Traveled to tropical islands without my parents. Had an IV drip. Had surgery.
2004:Sold stuff. Stayed in a motel by myself.
Had a bar refuse to serve me any more liquor.
2003.Umm. Published a whole magazine by myself. Lost a job I loved. Moved back home.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
2007: I can’t remember what my “loftier” ambitions for this year were, but my Matariki resolutions were to wake up with someone in the morning and not mind them being there, which I achieved the night of my birthday party, and to score someone in this house without Lani walking in on me. Having Lani move out really helped with that one!
2006: I had the single New Year’s resolution of having a pash, and an E’d up ex cow-orker made that happen for me in May at Boulot. And Maya. And Sandwiches. Oh the shiny young boy, he was so pretty. And yes, when I first let him kiss me one of my initial thoughts was “Now I have achieved my new year’s resolution!”.

2004:Well according to this I resolved to get a job, which I did, and have a threesome, which I didn’t. And yes, I have made some for next year, but they’re very basic, and you can read about them on Hubris.
2003:My New Year’s resolution was to have a relationship, and I didn’t do that. I came closer than I have for a very long time though, because three of the people I scored this year I had either loved, thought I loved at the time or realised afterwards that I was in love with.
Next year I will make simpler ones like getting a job and/or having a threesome.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
2007: No, but I wish more would given the amount of cute baby clothes my friends produce!
2006: We’re not as close anymore as we used to be, but Maree had a daughter named Isla, and my ex cow-orker Sarah’s having a bubby as well.
2005: We’re not that close, but Kyla did, and when I got to hold her baby daughter I cried like a big sook.
2004: Hulita, I imagine. Fuck I really should get in touch with her.
2003: Nushka, maybe? And I half believe that I had a super early miscarriage. Joy.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
2007: Nope.

2006: No, but I still think about Oma a lot, especially at this time of year.
2005: Oma. I just wrote about that though, and it was exhausting.
2004: We weren’t particularly close, but Granny died. Watching her die was the hard part.
2003: No, thank god.

5. What countries did you visit?
2007: Auckland. Oh, and Rarotonga, even though I almost didn’t make it there!
2006: America, FUCK YEAH! I fiiiiiiiiinally got to see Olivia in San Francisco, which I’d been planning for about five years, or as long as she’s lived there. It makes it a little bittersweet that the only reason I got to go was that I inherited some money from Oma. I suppose the one good thing about the timing was that it meant that Kate was in New York so I had a reason to go there as well.
2005: Fiji with KateB, and Rarotonga with Karen. I wish Raro was as hot and sunny and cheap as Fiji. The people and the food was so much nicer.
2004: The ‘Tron.
Auckland so often tha`t I got confused about where I actually` live.
2003: Christchurch and the Hawkes Bay.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
2007: I’d like a relationship. I think I’m finally just about ready.

2006: Abs. I know they’re a long way away. But I can dream. And also maybe a bit more than a drunken pash and couple of gropings. I’d also like to get some faith in my self back.
2005: Well I got the good workmates and the good flatmate, but Anji’s going to move out, so I would like a new flatmate that I can get along really well with. And also A PASH. Holy crap I’d like a pash.
2004: Flatmates that I’m close to, and workmates who say ‘Thank you’. Also I’d really like to have me some sex, but with the conditions laid out on Hubris – IE: not just drunken friend sex.
2003: A stable job that I enjoy, and a relationship.

7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
2007: December 3 for the Wellingtonista Awards. So much work, but such a payoff. And part of my five year plan!
2006: Halloween Night in San Francisco, because it was the date I planned my trip around. My last day at CWA because of ending up in the ocean. My pirate party because of sheer awesomeness. December 22nd because of Oma dying the year before. Boxing Day (today!) because it’s like the first anniversary of the tsunami anniversary. And that’s kind of funny if you work in the place that I do.Sort of.
2005: June 18th because of the HUGE ENORMAS LABIA and IV drips and so forth, and also December 22nd because of Oma dying.
2004:December 4th – Chelsea’s Wedding Day. Partly because dude, that rocks, but also because it was the date around which I planned my best holiday.
2003: September 12th – last day of my job.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
2007: Being fought over for a job, and realising that actually, while I might have been in a terrible workplace that never gave me any feedback, that doesn’t mean that I’m actually stupid. I’m actually very smart and damn good at my job. And also overcoming the reoccurance of the big Depression, and working really hard to keep myself clear of it. It makes people proud of me. It makes ME proud of me!

2006: Making it to America, continuing to go to the gym with a few lapses, and starting to save for my retirement.
2005: Landing a job where I get paid well, I want to stick around and I think that I am good at it, mostly, and starting up a flat that feels like home. Oh, and going to the gym regularly – except for of course the past couple of weeks. But extrenuating circumstances, really.
2004: Somehow ending up with a sales job despite the fact that I’ve never sold things before and managing to do 73% of my target, as well as becoming a paid writer.
Also, coming off Celepram successfully.
2003: Making it this far, despite the assorted setbacks. Doing my damndest to survive and also doing two people’s jobs for two months – although I wish that had been recognised more.

9. What was your biggest failure?
2007: My fitness level has dropped, my weight has gone up and my finances are in a dire state. But you know what? Fuck that. I haven’t really failed at anything, as such. I did pretty damn well.
2006: Not having lost any weight, and continuing to be afraid that secretly, no one likes me. Oh and perhaps not convincing the boy that I fancied for a long time that actually he fancies me too. And getting hung up on things that should long be dead and buried.
2005: Not getting a single pash. Seriously. Do you know what that does to a girl’s confidence?
2004: Kissing goodbye to any hope of ever starting my own magazine because I realised that I cannot support it on the kinds of amounts of advertising that I could sell. Also not winning the role of Editor at Rip It Up. Y’all did know I’d been interviewed for it, right?
2003: Losing my job, drifting from all my friends, being unable to knock the big D on its head for once and for all, and giving up on Auckland.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
2007: The reoccurance of the D was somewhat of a setback, but better dealt with this time round than in the past.
2006: Other than the flu, insanely sore feet in New York, and many a vast hangover no. But I am a little worried about the new arising Anxiety and will be monitoring it closely.

2005: the infected mosquito bites and the SURGERY ON MY VAGINA count, right?
2004: See below. Wait, also obesity counts, right?
2003: Depression, still. Injuries: the reoccurance of OOS and migraines.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
2007: I can’t think of any one thing that’s awesome. A lot of great clothes from Torrid, perhaps? Or all the drinks I’ve had whilst bonding with the Wellingtonista.
2006: headphones that clip over my ears so they don’t fall out when I am exercising, and getting Sebastian’s claws trimmed. And plane tickets to the States.
2005: My couches. Fuck yeah. 5.5 seats worth of stretch-out aubergine beauty.
2004: My laptop because it came with a free iPod, and having an iPod makes life so much better. Also completing the full set of Buffy and Angel. Heh.
2003: My Buffy DVDs.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
2007: At the start of the year, Lisa was my constant companion, which made it easier to get through the intensely difficult time between self-diagnosis of depression and the pills starting to work. She’d show up bringing cookies & milk, or DVDs, or her paints, and we’d sit in companionable mostly-silence, and she never asked me difficult questions, and it was just really really helpful getting through thtat time. Later, I met Lani and that was choice, and when she was gone, Kat and Kane are tremendously positive influences on my life, with their compost bins, zen-like personalities and also the WRESTLING! And because I build so much of my life around sex, I will give props to the Ginger for breaking a three and a half year seal, even if he turned out to be a bit of a narrow-minded cunt later, because I was getting to the stage where I thought it was actually a physical impossibility for me to fuck again. Also, we’re probably not going to be flatmates for much longer, so I will declare my undying love for Smoo as a flatmate, for putting up with all my stupid shit, feeding Seb when I ask him and for laughing at my jokes. And did I mention for putting up with my stupid shit for almost two years?
2006: Olivia and Steve for being amongst the best human beings on the planet. Kate for taking me in to her busy life and small space for an intense week. Smoo for being quiet and calm and for laughing at my jokes and being someone I look forward to his coming home every night. D for being a gentleman. Asshole. The people who said nice things at my farewell speeches at CWA. And Mum for last year buying me a gym subscription that has worked wonders in my mental health.
2005: Lisa Fur’s, for being my new friend. But not for her white noise. The company that gave me a job, because most of the time I am really happy in it. Anji’s when she was so good with Oma, and when she’s a good flatmate. The KKK crew for many many good times out in Wellington,
2004: My outgoing boss’s, Heather’s for her lovely shoulders, Anyone that I could have giggly crushes on, Anji’s when she stood up to Mum, Brad and Katy for making me actually have a life in Welly.
2003: My mother for helping me move back, KateB for taking me back, Tom for taking me back.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
2007: At my counsellor’s firm suggestion, I decided not to hang out with people who make me appalled and depressed anymore. It works pretty well! There are some people who sucked a whole bunch in the early year, but I don’t work with them any more, so that’s bygones.I’ll just continue to scowl at them in cafes.
2006: the people who continued to let me down in regards to social events. Me for caring so much.
2005: Tomkat. Anyone who voted Right in the election. Anji’s when she sulked and stole my friends from me. My aunt for ruining our Xmas. People who call me a blogger.
2004: Mum’s psychoness over Neil’s birthday dinner, my uncle Don’s over his coldness at his mother dying, Brian Tamaki and all of Destiny Church, anyone who listened to Don Brash, and anyone who voted for Bush.
2003: AuSM’s, Tom’s, mine, assorted other people.

14. Where did most of your money go?
2007: To Torrid and into my stomach, in booze or food, and also on parking tickets for not having a warrant or rego and daring to park outside my house.
2006: My trip to the States, the shopping I did there, internet shopping nwo I finally have a credit card, and also on booze and food.
2005: drinking with workmates & buying people drinks despite my new year’s resolution. Not to mention two holidays to pacific islands, and filling up and keeping our liquor cabinet full. Oh, and having a three bedroom house between two of us is not cheap either.
2004: On paying off my laptop, to various places in Auckland and on food and liquor. Plus I buy Sebastian the expensive kind of cat biscuits quite often.
2003: To Andre at the liquor shop

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
2007: The ARCADE FIRE ARE COMING TO THE BIG DAY OUT! Blam Blam Blam played our awards! During my six weeks at SPAC I got complimented every day! I have friends who like me!
2006: Rockstar Supernova & TWOP, going to America, working for an agency of good now, Country Club and the Wellingtonista awards.
2005: Rockstar INXS and America’s Next Top Model. Also, my couches, my holidays, and the assorted people that I’m stalked.
2004: NZ and Aussie Idol.
Holidays in Auckland.
Dancing at Atomic.
2003: The parties we threw, and the final of Buffy.

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
2007: ‘Sunday’ by Bloc Party, because I want it played at my wedding, and because I had to cancel my trip to see them. Also ‘Listen Up’ by the Gossip because their gig was so fucking rad, and because she’s like, a lesbian and shit (OMG!), and because this year I’ve put more of an emphasis on being a good feminist.
2006: ‘Rebellion (lies)’ and ‘Y Control’ because they both make my pulse race, are awesome for gyming to, and because I went to Auckland to see the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Also ‘Sexy/back’ for the time spent with Olivia in San Fran making jokes about it, all of Birds, and anything by Sigur Ros for the brief crush I had early in the year.
2005: ‘Rocket Queen’ by Guns’n Roses. Man I listened to Appetite for Destruction soooooooo many times this year.
2004: That one song on that one album by that one guy that I still refuse to give up on thinking may be about me.
2003: No one song

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? 2007: Happier
2006: sadder. Boo. 2005: Apart from the Oma stress, so much happier. 2004: Much much much happier. 2003: Much much much sadder.
ii. smaller or larger? 2007: Larger. Oh well. 2006: Actually, and I think this is the first time I have EVER got to say this, but I think I may actually be SMALLER. Not by a whole lot, but still, holy fucking shit! 2005: Fatter. But working on it. 2004: Fatter.2003: Fatter
iii. richer or poorer? 2007: Despite substantial payrises, poorer. And moving won’t help with that either! 2006: A fuckload richer. But not by my own effort really, apart from changing to a better paying job (I am now earning 22k more than I was at the start of 2003). 2005: I get paid a lot more now than I did in 2004, and yet I am poorer. 2004: Richer. 2003: Poorer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
2007: Boxing, swimming and writing.
2006: Dancing. And more boxing! I love boxing. And meeting new people for possible pashage. Heh.
2005: PASHING! Also, yoga. And maybe that I’d started going to the gym earlier.
2004:Selling, socialising, writing.
2003: Exercise, job hunting.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
2007: Thinking that I was a bad, untalented person, when I’m actually really not.
2006: Drinking, eating and thinking that no one likes me.
2005: Wanking. Ouch wrist pain. Also: reading stupid fucking websites that I hate and yet cannot stop reading.
2004: Playing stupid online games and wasting time on the Interweb.
2003: Crying.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
2007: At my parents’ house, eating too much cheese and playing fun games.
2006: Awesomely! With a many-coursed dinner at my gorgeous house.
2005: well, maybe my aunt will show up and start bitching and Anji will start sulking. Just maybe.
2004: The family came to my house.
2003: Spent it watching ROTK and with KateB’s family.

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
2007: I didn’t make many phonecalls at all, actually.
2006: vodafone, trying to top up my prepay by credit card. I can only rmemeber two real conversations on the phone this year, one with KateB when I was drunk and lonely, and the other with Shirley. I miss phone conversations.
2005: I don’t think I spent very much time on the phone with anyone at all. In fact, only Karen and my Mum have my home phone number. Actually, that’s not true at all, Lisa rang me on it today and I was like “Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh?”
2004: I think it’s very telling that there’s a tollbar on the phone here and I’ve never bothered to get a pin for it. Having said that, Heather is good at calling. Also I spent waaaaaaaaaay more time on the phone than I’d like to have beening abused by a particular client.
2003: Before Easter, Tom. After that – hardly anyone.

22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
2007: Um. There have definitely been some misplaced feelings. But mostly I decided that 2007 was the year for inappropriate crushes, and I’ve been really good at that!
2006: Ummm, that might be a tiny bit of a strong word for it, but there has definitely been a rahter long infatuation. And some other shortlived “you are crazy and leaving the country very shortly but i’d like to pash again” crushes and something that I briefly thought was reciprocated but I was waaaay too passive-aggressive about and was possibly wrong about anyway. Nevermind.
2005: No. But I did enjoy the independence. I had some crushes though. That was nice.
2004: I had an oppotunity to reaffirm that I was still in love with the boy from last year.
2003: Sort of.

23. How many one-night stands?
2007: Three-ish. There was the Ginge in February, a very nice boy in May that I am still friends with, which is awesome and there’s almost no weirdness there at all except for the time that I made another pass at him at the end of June, there was the girl on my birthday who I jerked around by going to bed with another time after giving her a big “I’m not right for you” speech. And a couple of pashes in there as well – one was very very blurry but was with a boy who has a fiance (I’m pretty sure we pashed, I remember his hand on my waist and I was like “that’s a really weird place for a hand, it’s a very possessive touch), and one was the boy who came in his pants at second base. Which is very flattering of course, but also hilarious.
2006: None. The one boy I pashed wouldn’t even count as a one kiss stand on the grounds of a couple of instances of gropeage afterwards.
2005: Once more with feeling: I DIDN’T HAVE A SINGLE PASH THIS YEAR. I sort of aaaaaaaaaaalmost have a one-night stand, but the boy chose to stay in a strip club instead and then claimed his phone battery went flat. His loss. Only weirdos hit on me this year.
2004: I went to bed with two boys this year but didn’t have sex with either of them. I’d actually been to bed with both of them the year before anyways. One has no place in my life anymore because I don’t need him and he’s not actually good for me, and the other I don’t have contact with simply because he’s in another city and he put a drill through his cellphone on purpose. I’m sure we’d hang out again in the future just as friends though.
2003: Ummm. Only one person that I had sex with this year was someone I’d met for the first time that day and didn’t contact again.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
2007: Deadwood, you cocksucker! Also, I got very excited about the first season of Heroes, and also season three of Veronica. It was rad showing Lisa Twin Peaks, and I burn through 90210 like noone’s business. But ironically, of course.
2006: VERONICA MARS! And Rockstar. And Family Guy. There’s nothing else on that’s really compulsory viewing.
2005: Rockstar INXS. Firefly. America’s Next Top Model. It may have been Veronica Mars if I’d ever been home on Fridays to see it. Also: Extreme Home Makeover – I am not ashamed of crying every monday at 8.17pm.
2004: Gilmore Girls, EML, Australian Idol. I am not ashamed.
2003: Buffy (duh), WW, Pasedena, Footballers’ Wives, Queer Eye

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
2007: There are some people that I turn my nose up about, and would rather not see, but seriously, nah, it’s not worth it.
2006: No rational hatred. I have a bunch of people that I’ve decided are my arch nemisisisis, but if I’m honest I don’t even go to the same gym as Vagina Woman anymore, so that basically leaves just a handful of people I’ve decided to dislike for no reason.
2005: No. I alread hated (and when I say ‘hate’, I don’t really mean it) my incredibly generic looking arch nemisis from this year last year. Don’t you just hate it when you see someone you think you hate but it’s actually just some random other blonde pony tailed glassons clone?
2004: Well I didn’t know them this time last year, and I don’t really hate them, just wouldn’t mind getting in a free couple of free punches.
2003: I’m on celepram, hate’s far too strong an emotion for that.

26. What was the best book you read?
2007: I really liked ‘The Julie/Julia Project’, and ummm, hmmm, there was some book that I didn’t want to end, and I don’t think it was Harry Potter or a rockstar biog. I wish I could remember what it was. OH! The new Douglas Coupland, totally back on form. I can’t remember its name though, and I’m not sure if it’s out yet…
2006: The Timetraveler’s Wife
2005: The Dirt!!!!!!!! Or wait, did I read that last year? I get confused. Rockstar biographies in general, I suppose.
2004: ‘The Pirates! And the Adventure with the Scientests’ and ‘House of Leaves’.
2003: Oryx and Crake

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

2007: The Gossip, who I have already talked about, and Bloc Party, who I didn’t discover as such this year, but A Weekend In the City is my album of the year. Along with Neon Bible, of course.
2006: The Arcade Fire. Yeah I know they’re old. And also: buying vinyl. And currently I am <3 <3 <3 for the Twilight Singers and am mad as hell that they're only playing in Auckland and it's the week before the Big Day Out.
2005: Appetite for Destruction again. Also, the good tracks from Hot Fuss and Absolution annnnnnnnnnnnnd ummm other music from the server at work.
2004: Many frequent live gigs.
2003: Tom McRae. I love him so.

28. What did you want and get?
2007: A new job that challenges me. Cool flatmates. Pretty house things. To get laid. Solid friendships and popularity. TO build my reputation as a hostess.
2006: A new job. Cool flatmates (although fuck I miss Bart. Sigh). To go to America. Artwork and a hard drive DVD player.
2005: A well-paying job with people that I like. A nice flat. Grown-up couches.
2004: A job. A laptop. An iPod. A nice flat. Published writing.
2003: Editorship of the magazine – even if it was only for two and a half issues

29. What did you want and not get?
2007. A relationship. And a book deal. But I didn’t go for it. Yet. So that’s my bad.
2006: Sexing. To be like hardcore fit by now. But that’s my own fault so I shouldn’t say it all passive-like. To be happy with myself always.
2005: A PASH! A relationship.
2004: Love. Orgasms not by my own hand. A creative job.
2003: Permanent editorship and a steady job.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
2007: Ummmmmmmmm I’m terrible at seeing films when they’re current, so I don’t know what came out when. Did Hot Fuzz come out this year?
2006: Hmmm. The Prestige maybe? Or umm The Departed. I didn’t see that many films.
2005: Serenity.
2004: GARDEN STATE! Holy fuck yes. Also In My Father’s Den.
2003: ROTK, Secretary

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?>
2007: On my actual birthday, I woke up entangled with another girl, and Anji came over and brought us coffee, and we went to get brunch and then cleaned up Karen’s house from my Rockstars & Rocktails awesome cocktail party the night before. SO MUCH FUN! And family dinner at umm some place in Thorndon was good too.
2006: I had drinks the night before I turned 26 in which Bart saved the day by playing wingman and distracting an annoying girl, and Shiny grabbed my boobs and made me laugh. Then on the day I had a lovely brunch with my family at Capitol, then had dinner with friends at Cafe Istanbul and then had drinks and saw the Real Hot Bitches dance for the first time.
2005: I turned 25. On my birthday, I was kind of sick from infected mosquito bites, and there was a lump that was growing on my labia. My daddy took me out to lunch at Monsoon Poon, and then we had a dress-up party at work that night at Paradiso. I wore my new stripey pyjamas. The next day I was supposed to have my birthday party, but instead I spent it at the A&E, having my mossie bites scraped open, being shot full of antibiotics and with two South African ladies squeezing my vagina.

2003: I was 23, and I worked, drank up a bar tab adn then went to Canton for dinner with 12 friends. It was wonderful.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
2007: To not end it needing to find a new flat. And for my job to progress a little faster than it does.
2006: Not feeling so let down by so many people. And maybe that’s just a change I need to have in my own mind.
2005: A PASH. And umm, pretty much, that’s about it. Some love and affection, a few more friends to play with.
2004: Someone holding me. Please insert the starved for touch like a Romanian orphan simile here.
2003: Do I need to talk about the job thing again?

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
2007: Thanks Torrid! And thanks, black leggings – you make all my short skirts okay.
2006: All about the dresses. Which are regretably too short and must be worn over other skirts or pants. And also: <3 <3 <3 American clothing shops that realise that not all fat chicks are over 50.
2005: I’m finding my own style.Also, BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS.
2004: My discoball necklace was SHR Then until the paint chipped off it. Now it’s all about the Pearl Necklaces. I am an accessory queen, especially if it is multicoloured and/or stripey.
2003: I.must.learn.to.accept.my.upper.arms. That and “YAY PINK”.

34. What kept you sane?
2007: Going back on celepram, going to a counsellor, identifying what my risk factors are and trying to avoid them. Also the ocean.
2006: St John’s Wort and going to the gym and/or regular bursts of cardio through dancing or other such things at home.
2005: I did. Also, Mum paying for my gym subscription helped.
2004: Sebastian. Heather. Being able to walk 150 steps to go and cry on Karen’s shoulder at work when I needed to.
2003: Sebastian. Andre. The people behind the scenes.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
2007: Ummm, I dunno I kinda wanna marry the guy from the River Cottage and go and grow vegetables with him. And it was fun pretending to fancy Damian Christie and freaking out the other Wellingtonistas.
2006: Storm Large! Heh.
2005: Ummmmmmmm. I’m not sure. Jordis Unga? Possibly no one. Possibly the singer Lisa and I want to have bear cubs with. Definitely not Milan anymore.
2004: Zach Braff and the entire cast of the Whedonverse.
2003:Pretty much everyone.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
2007: Being a better feminist. And worrying about the election results for next year.
2006: Hopefully aid and development. And the mystery of why anyone in the world would want to have sex with Don Brash. And also public transport and the importance of it.
2005: the General Election, and the scariness of how the fuck can people actually vote Right?
2004: CIVIL UNIONS BILL. Also: the American Election.
2003: Prostitution Reform Bill.

37. Who did you miss?
2007: I want to hang out with KateH more. And Bart.
2006: EM who was long gone until that two letter reemergence which was a big case of what-the-fuck without closure. Heather who I don’t get to talk to as much anymore. My old workmates when I was still at CWA and they weren’t. Thinking that I had a crush with potential.
2005: Ummmm. No one person really stands out so much. I kind of like the independence of that. But someone to pash, for sure.
2004: Olivia. Auck people. New episodes of Buffy. BenIV.
2003: Tom. Still. Always. BenIV. Me.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
2007: Lani and Kat & Kane. Hurray for flatmates!
2006: Ash! Although I met her last year. And Fia. Oh, and most importanly for my daily life, Smoo and Bart.
2005: Lisa Fur. My workmates.
2004: Jessie. Wow, this is getting written all over the Internet. Also, Katy Troop again.
2003: Iva! Assorted NZm, LJ people and also Jo Again.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
2007: You’re NEVER going to have everything perfect at once in all areas of your life, so don’t try to.
2006: Always carry a map with you if you plan on going out drinking in Brooklyn. And also if you build it, they might not necessarily come.
2005: I will survive. Also: exercise CAN be fun. Crazy.
2004: George Foreman grills rock the kitchen.
2003: I am not my employment status. No really. Also: learn when it’s best to cut your losses as soon as possible.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
2007: “I love you in the morning, when you’re still hungover / I love you in the morning, when you’re still strung out”. I need to find someone to sing that to me.
2006: “If I loved you endlessly, how could it be wrong? Where did we go wrong?”
2005: “I stayed at this masquerade and had another drink / I was hoping to bring sin to my sheets”
2004: “And nothing else matters when they turn it up LOUD”
2003: “I’d rather be drunk with myself now
Than alone in a crowd”

Lots and lots of stuff is going on right now. First and most important to you is that I will be selling my stuff at Zinefest. You should come along, say hi and buy my zines and sugar scrub. And yes, in case you’re wondering, if I slept with you prior to 2007, you will be in 101 Stories but possibly only a very small part. Heh. I said “small part”.

I am so grown up. I sorted out my magazines yesterday night, along with some other form of grown-up activity. I umm ummm okay, maybe I just shivered under a duvet on the couch. BUt you know, I ate vegetables for dinner, so that’s grown up. I wish I had a camera to post a photo of all my Qs in chronological order, their red spine numbers just above the lilac boxes that they’re in, and then there are my Bitch and Busts in pink boxes, along with the sadly finito Jane, Frankie, and Yen. Then there’s a whole shelf full of Metro and some green boxes full of assorted music magazines and “culture” things. And the Next that I was in and the New Idea with Penny’s wedding in it. You do care what magazines I read, you know, because I am sitting here trying to define myself for you. And also making a note for myself in later years to remember that now is when I have decided to put a lot more effort into being a feminist. As long as you define “effort” as “reading the magazines and making sure that I never shy away from the word”. The back cover of the 10th anniversary of Bitch made me cry at the awesomeness of a reader deciding to spend $3800 on buying it to support the magazine. And then when I spent much of the last weekend in bed reading them and Q I also got all choked up hearing Athlete’s ‘Wires’ for the first time, about the singer’s premature daughter, which tapped in to the many many baby thoughts that I have been having lately. But more about that later, perhaps.

We still haven’t found a flatmate. Quite frankly, I’m fucking loving the quiet around here when there’s so much going on in my life. It’s so good and peaceful. But I really can’t afford to keep paying $254 a week in rent, no sirree. The fact that so many people have come over and not wanted it has got me down a little, like WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME? But not that down.

I went and saw my counsellor today, for the titular spring-cleaning of my head. I’d really wanted to see her a couple of weeks ago, but she was away on holiday, so I thought I’d go now before I start my new job and work miles away and all. I got the most awesome surprise though, when I told her about my new work, because it turns out that not only do they subscribe to EAP too, which means that I can get 3-5 free sessions if I need them but she’s also based at their offices every other Wednesday to do drop-in appointments. That is so fucking rad. I’m hoping I won’t actually need to see her very often, but it’s so great to know how easy it will be for me if I do. We talked about my abandonment issues, and about my sex life, and my Hard Career Decision to take up my new job instead of staying where I am, and how it’s been freaking me out to get so much praise lately, but how it’s helped me to realise that I’m actually quite good and capable. And we talked about what I need to do in order to keep my head in order (more exercise, and how excited am I about the prospect of swimming in the sea again? SO excited), and when I talked about how I feel like I’m being held hostage by my body lately, like it’s deliberately keeping my periods from me, we talked about how right now I think I will adopt children because I can’t imagine going off my meds and how I am scared shitless of postnatal depression, and she told me that there are very specific medical programmes to help people like me with that sort of issue if I change my mind at a later date. And that was nice to hear.

Tomorrow is the last day of my contract. We’re going out for dinner afterwards. I’m going to be incredibly sad to leave. I will have to treat the whole time I had there as a beautiful summer fling that was too good to last. Stupid taking care of my career and seeking out new mental challenges! Then again, my manager and I went through every single piece of paper on my desk today left over from predecessors and filed them all. My biggest filing pile was ‘R’ for ‘Recycle’. If only I could be so ruthless at home.

On Saturday after ZineFest, Miss Lisa is having her birthday party here. You should come along. The man in a bearsuit on her invitations was so good it made me embarrass myself in front of Luke Buda (yes, it was her MS Paint skills, not the wine that emboldened me). I want to write about what I got her for her birthday and what that meant I bought myself, but I will wait. Then next Saturday I’m going to Bar Camp. I don’t know what I’ll talk about yet, if anything. But seeing as how my new boss is speaking, it’s probably a good idea. And then on the 19th I’m going to another conference. I would kill for a sleep in at this stage. Sunday I plan on staying in bed all damn day. You’re all welcome to join me in my lovely black & white linen.

Right now I’m watching Watch This Space and downloading the tracks I like, which is awesome (I will buy albums if they strike me a lot). I just read a review of Fireworks Night that describes them and the Arcade Fire as “baroque-pop”. Brilliant! And yes, I’m totally going to try and use the word ‘Baroque’ in Scrabulous. But it’s time to go back to Lisa’s Outrageous Fortune DVDs and pull the duvet up, because hot damn, it’s cold. See you Saturday, yes?

We could say that this bout was kicked off by the email “I’ve got some bad news – apparently he’s seeing someone, my friend said he was out on a date” but I think we – or at least I know that it’s actually about me, not about him. The crushes are interchangeable. What remains constant is how I cope – or don’t, how personally I take every rejection (cos duh, rejection is a personal thing), how much I worry about how much this will close me up even more. So I’m cocooning. I don’t want to be told “oh well at least you ahve a new friend”, because so fucking what? I don’t particularly feel like torturing myself with hanging out with someone I can’t have, that’s generally not my style (and yes, there’s always exceptions). I don’t want to be told “I told you so” because believe me, I’m telling myself that enough for two. All I want is a shoulder to cry on, one that’s not going to try and figure me out or puzzle it through or offer trite cliches because I’d rather tear out my womb and eat it than listen to the same old things over and over again, which is of course somewhat ironic on account of how you suckers are reading the same thing over and over again, on a montly basis. I hate my womb. Maybe I should tear it out. If I could reach it with tweezers or hot wax in the socially acceptable way, I would inflict the pain like that.

I worry that I cannot communicate my thoughts and feelings clearly – not only the hesitantness that I metaphorically dipped my toe in with in this particular scenario, but also in the way I describe the after-effects. I suspect this wasn’t helped by venting about a different thing on a particularly stupid-in-these-kinds-of-contexts workmate, who totally missed the point of a discovery that the ex girlcrush had only been with her boyfriend for a short while and therefore I wasn’t actually as stupid as I thought I was not to know about it. But there are plenty of other things that make me go “well, am I really that dumb or not?” And again, sure, some of this is in relation to that boy, but remember, I was never that sure if I really liked him or if it was just the thought that maybe he liked me that made me like him. This could be me being all in denial, so to offer up proof, I will tell you that I never thought of him whilst wanking. Assuming I’ve crushed on him since February 19, and my journal will back up that date, that’s at least 140 times that I haven’t thought of him.

And as always, I am terrified that the state of my mental health is crumbling. Three nights of heavy drinking over the weekend didn’t help, nor did yet another blast-from-the-past getting in contact via the internet. FUCK YOU INTERNET. I am scared that I’m going to relapse into being utterly dependent on other people, and I fought for a long time to not be like that. I’m scared that I am trying to alienate myself from my friends right now in order to fight that. I’m scared that I will cease to be entertaining, and that I try to buy friends, and that I won’t be able to sustain current friendship circles, because until this bout kicked in I was feeling glorious and popular and content, and we all know I can’t have that. I’m scared that I make excuses, I’m scared that bring all the scaredness upon myself. I’m once again longing for celepram, but I’m supposed to have all my shit together now.

Then Humpy went and sent me a job ad for a position in Auckland and I went “fuck this sounds like a really good job, content editing music sites” and then I freaked out about the thought of having to move to Auckland just when my homelife is all working out so well, and then I thought about how I might apply for that job and they might reject me, and then I wondered where exactly my career is taking me, and what if we don’t get the new tender for the site that I manage now, and then I came up with reasons not to apply for the job, and then I hated myself just a little bit more and I just don’t know what to do about it. Exercise. Take St John’s wort. Pray for my bleed. It can’t be far off. I’m mangoing and I think I felt the start of a cramp last night. Cross your fingers for me. Do the blood dance. Can I ask you to humour me a little longer?

In the “and I’m sure you’ll totally be keen to hang out with me if I’m still like this then” news, I’m coming to Auckland in July, from 14-16. Hurrah for impulse buying and credit cards. I’ve also paid for my flights to the States in October, hurrah.

So, this is what’s up with me this week:

You know what? I want the whole fucking world to go to hell today. That’s right, the WHOLE world. Even Maree who rang me up all excited and happy for me. Well, okay, maybe not her. And I guess not kittens, or the starving children in Africa, and anyone who owns a bearsuit. But apart from them, yeah. Because if the collective you don’t have time for me, why should i have time for the collective you?

Grrrrr. Grrrrrrr! And yes, I have babysat three year olds who occasionally had grumpy days and they behaved exactly like I’m behaving, and the solution then (and probably the proper solution now) was to just send them to their rooms for time out. But even when I’m taking time out I still spilt a cup of boiling tea all over me that made me squeal and then hyperventilate, ala stress attack which I stopped having a year ago until they came back last friday. And ooooooooooh I’m in a mood of fury tonight, plus the klez virus has come back and my seminar is in two days and while I was making good inroads on it, there’s just so much information and I can’t decide whether or not I need to include the elaboration likelihood method and if I should make up individual case studies based on survey results and I’m panicking in case I don’t get the ads video tomorrow and I would really really really like to tell Clayton to get fucked, I do plenty around the house and he needs to take his fucking cork out and I want to tell everyone to fuck up and fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK GHJkflsh gkjrt4oie hjk,gh dfkjgt4eiout; y5orjgklh dxfgh dcfs.g

Yeah hi, I’ve studied communications for three and a half years now, and I think that’s well evident in my verbaciousness. And my very mature attitude of dealing with everything. Right now I’m feeling like I just wanna scream and scream and scream and also punching someone would be good, but I don’t think I’m physically capable. It’s kinda like RSIs inhibiting your crying abilities. FUCK.

Oh yeah, I got a job today, you know the one. Cool and shit. I’m excited about it but I’m just so angry today that it gets swept under the carpet.

And if you’re reading this in your workplaces tomorrow, you’ll go “oh shit” and you’ll probably reach for the phone to call me up, and then I’ll be forced to explain to you all seperately that no, it’s not about you, it’s just about everyone, and really, I can’t be fucked doing that, so just don’t okay? And if I sound like i’m contradicting what I was saying earlier, then fine, I always contradict myself and if you know me then you know that. I just need that timeout, I guess, ala the three year old throwing a tantrum. And hopefully no one will take this personally, but right now because I am feeling like I need to be selfish and wallow, quite frankly, if you’re taking it personally then you too can get fucked.

Grrr.

Today I am dying of the flu. This is the reason that my body has been aching for days, not that all my limbs are atrophying and about to fall off. I guess it was kinda brought to fruitition by me staying up til 4am to finish an assignment. Sure, that probably wasn’t the smartest idea in the world, but I’d had to work for KateM in the afternoon before that, so I couldn’t have started it any earlier (and no, I couldn’t have started it before the day before it was due – what do you take me for?) And maybe I could have worked on it while at KateM’s work, but I was helping a boy send out posters and stuff, and answering the phones, and plus the couch in the staffroom was much more comfy. Etc etc. You know me, excuses are what I do best.

Today I got up around half past eight to finish off my assignment. I’m not really sure what exactly I wrote, only that I was dying while I was doing it, and then I went into my 10am class to give some stuff to Jinan for it. But I was just about to throw up/pass out/something else bad, so I had to walk out midclass to go home. I managed to sleep for a couple more hours after that, until Ben got up and played Linkin Park so loud that all the windows in the apartment were rattling. Thank FUCK he’s gone tomorrow. Bopa’s having her bed delivered at 9.30am, although I’m guessing he won’t be out quite by then. The house is a pigstye but I can’t really clean cos when I stand up I feel faint. I’m chewing airwaves gum like it’s going out of style, popping brufen cos my wrists are hurting from essay writing, and wondering if I can doubledose on my day/night tablets. I hate being sick! Especially when there’s no one to take care of me. I wish someone would bring me lemsips and soup and stroke my forehead – am I asking too much? Clay just got home from work now (11pm) but when I told him I was sick, he hugged me holding me at arm’s length. He’s mean.

What else? Sick sick sick sick sick. I miss Tom who I haven’t talk to in weeks like mad. I miss KatieB. I was getting random text messages yesterday from someone calling me “Spunkrat” and “Babycakes” and I had no idea who they were from until they demanded gossip and used name-abbreviations so I figured out it was Andee, and so that was cool, but still, I miss my friends! Oh sure, I spent an hour at KateM’s last night drinking red wine with her after I dropped off her work keys, and I saw KateH every day in the weekend, but is that really enough? No, I don’t think so! Not when I need nursing it’s not.

Bopa was gonna call the Welly Massive to see if they were coming up this weekend, so I dunno if they are or not. I hope I’m better tomorrow, although if I’m playing Welly games, I will probably just end up semidying again. It’s hard to keep up with some people’s lifestyles!

I was in the high demand section of the AUT library (oh yeah, there’s a huge demand for me, baby) yesterday when my landlady rang to tell em she was shocked at how often our rent autopayments had failed. I tried to explain to her that I’d already told her that, and that it was Ben’s fault and why we were kicking him out, but I got all worried and told her that I’d have to call her back when I got home with dates from when I’d put money through manually. I was completely freaked out and stressed, because I know that I’ve always paid the rent, although admittedly sometimes it’s been nearly two weeks late, plus I hate anything to do with banks. I was just about in tears stressing about it when she left a message on my cellphone saying that she’d noticed that there were lots of anonymous deposits going in and that she figured that was probably me, she was sure I was reliable and not to panic. PHEW!

Tomorrow night Pluto are playing at Leftfield and EyeTV are playing at The Classic, so it would be a dilemna except that there’s no way in hell I would go to Leftfield. The last time I saw EyeTV play was at the Static launch party nearly two years ago when Clay and I won the dance contest, and they were excellent, so I may go to see them. Then again, it’s Bopa’s first night in the flat and all, so I’ll probably just stay home; that works for me too, especially if I’m still sick, which I will no doubt be.

IGSTJKD was on Monday, without ceremony. Yesterday was textfiles inside the covers of cds that people make for me. Today is Wednesday. Tomorrow is Anzac Day. In the lounge right now, Clay is being all chatty with Ben, which makes me laugh cos I think that’s really hypocritical considering how much he goes on about Ben behind his back. At least I’m just flat out grumpy with him all the time since we decided we didn’t like him. This is honour and intergrity, really! And it is also zfree not connecting, despite being on its 83rd dialling attempt.

So I’m cruising around the East Coast Bays this morning, in one of the fleet of company cars, air conditioner and stereo cranked up, sun shinning, pohutakawas in full bloom and seas sparkling, and I was like “this is my job? this is what I’m getting paid for?” and oh lordy was I ever smiling! I had meetings around our various area offices today to discuss suitable venues for our roadshow. I felt so so fake every time, like a kid dressed up in her mother’s pearls and high heels. But i think I did well anyways. I wrote a three page report on my findings that my boss was too busy to look at anyways.

Course, it wasn’t all fun and games. Right after my first meeting, walking through a carpark in Glenfield, I discovered that my Thai silk skirt, made out of 50 year old fabric, was ripped right across the thigh and ass, and it would have been like that throughout my whole meeting. It’s always so professional to be clearly displaying your black satin panties, isn’t it? So I had to drive home, in the coporate car, and get changed, but that was cool.

I also got my “induction” today, so now I officially know where the lightswitches are. And the first aid kit. And I have full stationary cupboard priveledges – ph33r me!
I’m really really really dizzy right now – the desk is doing dives and leaning all over the place and stuff. It’s very very odd. I get to sleep over 5 hours tomorrow – exciting! Plus there’s a BBQ and goodbye drinks for Hayley. Everyone’s fucking leaving me. That makes me wanna cry. But I won’t, because mostly it’s just over the summer, and that’s cool, I’m too busy being corporate woman and all.

We changed our answering machine message tonight. Now it sounds like an ad in the personals column. I wanted to end it “I like walks on the beach, going to movies, kittens, commitment and SODOMY” but Brad wanted to say “FUCKING IN THE ASS” and we couldn’t agree so it’s neither. Which is probably slightly more palatable for the landlord and associated tradespeople that call.

Godboy broke into our house today and used up practically the last of our toilet paper. I’m getting a restraining order against him.

“Subject to the provisions of the * Information and Meetings Act 1987, all transactions, records and information pertaining to the business of * shall be held in strict confidence by you both during the period of employment and also after its termination”

So my official title is “Communication Assistant” and I know how much I’m getting paid per week, and it’s quite nice – well, more than three times as much as my current income anyways, and yeah, it’s all quite exciting. I start next wednesday, and before then, I have a whole mountain of paper to read my way through. It’s slow progress, but by the end of February, y’all will be able to ask me ANYTHING about wastewater and I’ll be able to tell you. So that’s exciting.

Today there were chainsaws and sunshine and landlady’s sister, and as a consequence, there’s no nasty tree outside my window. Hurrah for that! And Brad mowed the lawn, which inspired me to do the lawns, and clean out the drain in the bathroom (some bitch sheds her long brown hair all over the place!) and put out about 12 bags of newspapers for the paperchase. House cleaning is good. Kate B ran off with my car for a couple’o hours cos it has a tow bar and hers doesn’t to put her stuff in storage. Jeremy hasn’t moved his stuff out of the lounge yet though.

Jeremy was watching The Muppets Celebrate Jim Henson this afternoon, and I got teary. I conceed that I’m a headcase, yes. But Jim Henson DIED, okay? Have you ever seen muppets crying? It’s not a happy sight, I tell you! I made vegetable soup, and it was really nice.

Brad’s got part time work at More FM. Clay’s working at a media monitering place. We’re so Savvy. Of course, I have a PR job instead of a multimedia job, and that’s just fine with me. Clay rang on the way home today and asked if I wanted anything, so i said “summer ale”. We moved the lightest couch onto the deck out the front of the house, which we foolishly have neglected until today when the bushes had all been trimmed back and sat out there. I was hoping to do some dancing, but then Jan – Clay’s friend that we don’t like – showed up and her and Clay went off to get dvds and stuff from the supermomarket. I rang our friends and made sure they were invited to Thanksgiving Lunch. Hayley got all confused, cos I’ve never talked to her on the phone before, and straight away I was like “Hi, this is Joanna McLeod from Garland here; I’m just ringing to confirm your reservation for Sunday”. Well, I thought I was pretty funny anyways. Godboy Peter can’t come (we have a $500 that he’ll ADMIT to being Christian again before 2005) but pretty much everyone else is. I was stoked that Helen can make it. She sent me email yesterday that said “THis is so freaky deaky, trippy dippy. I just came into your website to try and find your email details, and there you leave me my own personal details to get in touch. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh, how lovely. I’ve always wanted to be the person who gets their own message. ” which made me giggle for ages. And Andee sent me email today too so it’s been a good day, emailwise. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want you to email me anyways! I like email from people called Ernest.

I hope it’s as sunny tomorrow as it was today – I want to do lots and lots of washing and stuff. I’m trying to tidy the house and my room before I start work next week. I was going to clean my room today, but then I somehow got sidetracked into talking to Olivia about rockstars. Well, no ‘somehow’ about it – I talked to Olivia because she’s the bee’s knees. Jeremy mentioned later something about our dumbass oven and how it dropped open on him at a part one time, and I was like “do you feel kind of like you’ve always watched these pop stars on telly and now you’re meeting them finally? I mean, you always used to come to parties here, and now you live here”. He just laughed at me. I guess that’s the appropriate response. I laugh at me. Time goes by so fast.

“am I famous for just one thing?”