Hubris.co.nz

<!– So, news coverage today focused on 9/11 commemorations in New York.  It’s been six months, which means that I’m officially off Fluox.  I still have some pills left over (in fact, I suspect that I might actually have a whole month left over that I should pick up from the pharmacy, due to my slackness in taking things daily – I really should investigate this and then sell them to my friends who think antidepressants help with comedowns) but that’s beside the point.  Apparently I am no longer crazy.  Oh sorry, excuse me, I was never crazy, just depressed.   Remember, my quality of life depends on you, or something like that –>

I smell something burning but I can’t figure out what. I’vebeen checking the stove and various electrical fittings and all, but I can’t findanything out ofthe ordinary. Odd. Also, go HERE and join my notify list. I guess that’s not related to burning things (unless it was a “To: list@hubris.co.nz – Hi! My house is burning down. The smoke is filling my hallway and I think my skin is puckering from the heat. The electricity hasn’t shorted out yet, but I’m sure it will. How far down do you think three stories is in terms of broken bones? Cough cough. Ohh, my legs are on fire, it’s climbing my bod….” Sorry,is that poor taste? <!– because really, I taste excellent. –>) but it is on my mind, so there you go. Don’t ask me what I’ll send to the notify list,but I’msure it’ll be all sorts of exciting treats.

Today I spent two and a half hours after a lecture working on my Com Strat with Jinan. I’m still confused about the differneces between objectives, strategies and tactics as defined by the PR World (Maz – any thoughts?) but we’re pretty much done with our first assignment. I think we were helped a great deal by the fact that our mentor was super efficient in the information she gave us. It made me feel good to work hard like that. I was also happy that the sandwich place in the Imax building has gone back to having sundried tomato paste instead of actual sundried tomatos. Advacado, tomato, carrot, cucumber & sundried tomato paste in that order on rye swirl bread and a takeaway cappachino and I’m a student all over again. Of course, I’ve done no studying this evening but hey. I did bake a banana cake which grrrr Clay’s taken a big chunk out of without asking. Plus Kara (grrrrr!) was around this evening like an hour before he got home (apparently she doesn’t like walking to our house from the hundred metres away bus stop in the dark) so I had to offer her some, and that just really bugs me. I know you think this sounds petty, but none of you have to live with her, do you Katie? NO! And if you did, you’d be smart like Anji and Daniel and dislike her too.

I got someone else’s email yesterday because of the lack of current @hubris forwards right now, and in it someone else had described me as “a dope-as chick” and that just made me smile and smile for ages. Is that up there with “your hair is choice” ? Probably not quite, but it’s certainly better than “I exist to get your pants off” (Note to self: update lines page). Yes, I know I’m far too easily pleased – although then again, there are people who would argue that I’m far too picky (“what? you want someone you can actually have a conversation with? what the fuck is up with that?”).

I’m going to have to move the dining table into my bedroom real soon if there’s no sign of carpet laying happening, because I very much doubt that my desk could handle being assembled and then disassembled and reassembled again. This whole sitting on the ground thing is waaaay overrated. Fuck the Japanese(oh wait hang on a minute, didn’t I already? <!– he had shaved testicles which I presume were an attempt to make his cock look bigger –>)! Even if I put zabuton in here instead of a folded up duvet to sit on, it’d still be too uncomfortable for the long periods of time that my upcoming essays will require.

What else? I’m restless again and considering going for a drive, except that I’ve been north recently, and I don’t want to go souther than Greenlane, and I’ve never really been West, and to go East I’d have to go South, and besides, what is there to do out East? I did the supermarket shopping yesterday so it’s not like I can go do that (although I could replace all my food that Ben’s managed to eat since I bought it – grrr, I am SO angry that I’m tempted to leave a louise-esque note for him – he always does this and I’ve asked him many times before not to). I miss KatieB like mad. I hope it’sall going well for her down there (emailme, bitch!). (I’m very much in a brackets mood tonight)

So, I’ve discovered the best nightclub in town, bar none. There’s no dress code. There are no wankers. There’s no one bumping into you or looking at you funny. The music is a perfect blend of hiphop, electronica and other random stuff thrown in just to make it fun. It’s convienently located in town and you can dance in your bare feet because it’s carpeted. There’s plenty of access to free water,and there’s couches for resting on, and even showers and beds too if you need. No one looks twice at you if you run your hands all over yourself because your pill makes it feel extra nice. It’s called My Lounge. But most of you probably wouldn’t get in. Sorry.

Friday morning me and Jinan met our mentor and interviewed her and she must have been very effective because much later that evening when I found myself in a bullshit conversation with someone I was able to completely repeat everything that she had told me and believe in what I was saying too, so that was amusing. But I’m getting ahead of myself. What else did I do during the day? Hmmm. I napped, because 8am classes are no fun.

Friday night I got another call from Brad-My-Fiance; he was drunk again and wanted to tell me again that he loved and missed me and was coming up to Auckland soon. I told him that i wasn’t sure if I could still marry him because I was in a man hating mood, but then again, I am a sucker for anyone who tells me that they worship me. I drove to KateM’s house, and we took a taxi together to Justin’s flatwarming. Of course, we got dropped off too early so we wandered the streets of Sandringham for ages because there was some kinda conspiracy where none of the houses had letter boxes with numbers on them,but eventually we got there.

I ran out of beer waaay too early and found myself trying to make conversations with people I didn’t know – well, alternating between doing that and standing in a corner by myself. There were actually a lot of really nice people there but I dunno – I felt a little weary of the whole polite chitchat thing so eventually I just started insultingpeople and starting conversation that way. I really liked the people who took it in the spirit that it was intended and started psychoanalyzing me on that basis. The other party highlight for me was dancing to Fur Patrol with KateM and thinking about boys who like the song Loaded (where are you???). At the end of the night there was a lot of standing around on the driveway waiting for taxis that never came and so I went to town with Nick and Megan who I met at Octoberfest and we played pool, and that was cool. I suck really badly at it though, and also, some fucking moron at the table next to us asked me if I’d come from a 5th form party, so I was like, “yeah thanks for that”.

Saturday morning/noonish, I was sitting sheeted at the dining room table reading the paper when Ben decided to try and convince me that I should go and have drinks with him down at his work. I was like “aaaargh”. I’ve decided that it’s worth the $3000+ dollars that I’m paying for my ‘education’ just so that I can have the yearlong excuse of “having to study” every time I need it. He told me that I need to go out more often and meet more people and so I was like “I went to a party last night! I’m going to another one tonight! What more can you ask of me?” He said I needed to meet a nice boy or girl, and so I told him that I was engaged to a guy in Wellington. When Ben asked why I wasn’t with that guy then I said that he was moving in in two weeks time. He was suprised but I’m worried that he completely believed me. Sucker.

Later that evening I slathered on silver eyeshadow cos I intended to sparkle and dance, and went off walking down K’Road to KatieH’s house. I had to go via the bottleo and then after that, there were no taxis on my side of the road and I was almost at Great North Road before I had the clever idea of crossing to the other side. Duh. Anyways. So once again there was lots of talking to people I didn’t know, and being bailed up in corners by people who claimed that I’d met them previously the week before and “you were really trashed then”. Ahuh probably, but that doesn’t mean that you can invade my personal space, freak. I took my leftovers from Welly that I’d brought back in my bra, because I was curious to see what it’d be like in a non-danceparty environment. Suffice to say that I spent a lot of time stroking the skin on my hands because it felt really nice. When I told Justin he started stroking my face and so I was like “aaaaaargh”. Note to the world: I have a very erogenous face. Don’t touch it unless you mean to start something. Pretty much everyone had left at that stage so I called a cab and went home via Kingsland to drop off Tasha (see, I have no problems in walking home by myself from wherever, but it’s completly not okay for anyone else to do it!) And then at home I danced by myself in the lounge for ages and ages, it was excellent. Then I had a cold shower and wanted to listen to Beth Orton like I always do whenever I’m coming down, except that I don’t have my Beth Orton cd right now (grrr!) but Jeff Buckley was a fine substitute.

Today I was completley and utterly drained so I stayed in bed til about 5. I didn’t really have anything to do, so why not? Tomorrow I will finally have to go and retrieve my car from Mt. Eden and also get tampons since I’ve started on the bleed again (yay regularity!). And I might also do some actual study instead of just saying that I have to, although that could be stretching things a little. Sleep now! Hopefully Ben and his maurauding friends won’t be too loud if they come back again from going out after the Chemical Brothers concert.

Sleeping in until sometime after three is excellent, especially when you get up and aren’t at all sick, unlike your sister and crazy Linda who came home an hour after you so drunk that they were incapable of making tea and toast and you had to do it for them. Heh.

Karen came around for dinner tonight so we had quality family time, watching a very funny Halloween Simpsons episode. And then I txted Ayna to find out what time i should go around and she told me that Dan and Mike and Adam were already there, so I could go any time. So I got Neil to drop me off – I really should have made him come in to meet Brad, seeing as how we’re engaged and all now. Anyways. So we hung out and played records and stuff, as you do at Ayna’s. Adam was really good at beat matching. I’m afraid to even look at her turntables for fear of breaking them. I had a big discussion about Briteny Spears vs The Spice Girls with Brad and Mike, but I can’t remember what the winning verdict was. Eventually the boys took off, Brad decided to stay home and Bobby showed up and drove me and Ayna down to the Foundary.

Yay for seeing Katy Troop again! Everyone at the Foundary was gathered around their dining room table (although they don’t have a dining room as such, just a massively huge lounge that’s big enough to hold dance parties in) doing what they called “Russian Cocaine”, so I did that too. Russian Cocaine, apparently, is slices of lemon with sugar and instant coffee grinds on top, which you put in your mouth and wash down with shots of vodka. It’s a really weird combination eh, and it kinda knocks you back really quick for some strange reason. And I had conversations about movies with people at film school and we tested someone who said that they wanted to work in Continuity by making him close his eyes while we switched necklaces and stuff to see if he’d figure it out – and he always did. So I’m sure he’s got a bright future ahead of him.

Eventully me and Ayna and Kartini and Bobby went to Phoenix for some hip hop thingie – I can’t remember exactly what it was called but it was something to do with Wahine, since it was all Women stuff. It’s so strange going to dance parties at Phoenix, since it used to be the Repatory Theatre and I used to do drama lessons there. Now the Green Room is a very nice bar with boothes and big windows, and the main theatre bit seems so much smaller. I like dancing to hip hop and taking half pills. I’ve also decided that i wanna become an MC when I grow up because the girl that was doing it was just so fucking cool and excellent.

Katy and Kartini both left, so Ayna and Daniel talked me into going to Sandwichs at Sub9 with them (ha, that whole sentence sounds just a little kinky, doesn’t it? Make your thighs like butter, easy to spread, and we can make sandwichs. You can be the bun and I’ll be the burger girl, we can make sandwichs. Etc). It was $35 to get in, and that was on top of the $18 for the hip hop, but I figured, why the fuck not. After all, this is my last chance weekend at Hedonism before I go back to tech and actually knuckle under and do lots of work. I am very super glad that I let myself be talked into it. The music was super cool and fun, and for house, it was really realyl diverse and not all gimpy. SO I danced and danced and danced until my feet blistered, adn then I danced some more. I lost Ayna and Dan so I went upstairs to 9bar to chill out for a while, then went and danced some more. Eventually though, i found myself wanting to yell “STOP TOUCHING ME” at everyone who pushed past, and the whole crowd thing was starting to really really freak me out, so I went and jumped in a cab and went home. I’m not even going to start to think about how much money I’ve spent in Wellington.

What’s that Joanna? What’s that grin all about? Ummm… kittens? Yeah, kittens. That works for me.

I catsat KateB’s little Mischa today. She’s SO CUTE. I can fit her in one hand. I took a photo of her too, hmm, where did it go?

There it went. So yeah, we played lots and she attacked my nose some. KateH came over for lunch and to see the Kitten so that was lovely.

Then KateB came around 4ish to pick up Mischa and she was a darling and did my dishes and cleaned my kitchen for me while I tried to tidy the lounge. I was supposed to go out for a drink with Jeremy E. then (that’s someone new, not the Jezza that I used to flat with) but instead we just stayed here and drank coffee and tea and smoked pot. It was nice <!– ha, are you looking for more information?  oh there’s plenty to give you –>. And Clay was home so he judged his shoes and everything which amused me. Flatmates are so not subtle about giving you the thumbs up. I also think that leaving your laptop behind is also not very subtle<!– especially when they’ve already said that they’re not giving back your tshirt ever so that you have to see them again – swoon –>.

Later, I went to KateH’s new flat to pick her up and bring her home to my house for ‘The Secret Life of Us’. It was a brilliant episode tonight with Will and Ritchie getting stoned. “Have you got any beer?” Me and Katie were pissing ourselves. Afterwards I took her home and discovered Justin and Jason and Jeremy and some other guy were all at her house with her flatmate, so I offered to drive the boys into town and what drunken louts they were. We also stopped off to pick up Lovely Paul, and got lost in a maze of one way Arch Hill sts. But that’s okay cos we got there eventually. So yeah. And now I’m at home and I’m bored and it’s sometime after midnight but I had a red bull and a coffee this afternoon so I’ll easily be up until the Buffy re-run at 3am. Excellent. And tomorrow is Waitangi Day so it might be time for me to think about sovereignty.

Just as I was getting really bored this afternoon and watching the Superbowl, KateB rang me and sounded really discontent so I said I’d go pick her up from work and we’d have coffee. Which is kind of exactly what we did, only instead of “coffee” read “chocolate martini” and there was a drive to The’Puna in there first to blow off steam. And whilst there we formulated a wonderful plan and fingers crossed, it will all come to fruition. So she came back here to drink bubbly and celebrate, and we made a lot of bad jokes at each other.
I went to see the pirate movie today but they wouldn’t let me in!
Why not?
Because it was rated “arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr” !

That’s hilarious, you know.

So anyways, I was in the kitchen just starting to prepare her dinner when I heard this “miaow?” and then I started screaming and screaming and so she came rushing in but I was just being all excited because Olivia and Steve showed up! In fact, they showed up so much that if I get around to it,they even made it to my dancing monkey page. Plus Steve is putting Hubris on saturn5, so I love him even more. Anyways, I made them vegan pasta, and I did the panda dance for them and Kate joined in with the penguin dance, and so I have no doubt that Steve now thinks I’m a fucking psychotic, but hey, that’s okay. And it was excellent. And I love them. And I need to see them again cos they owe me presents. I love that excuse.

And then they went and KateB and I walked down to Fu, but it was all full, so I waited until a friend of hers showed up and walked home. The walk made me so hot that my glasses steamed upwhen I put them on when I got home, and that sucks. Oh well. And now I’m umm, what am I doing? Not much. Still being hot. Waiting for all my files to move over.

KatieB says that she’s going to wake me up tomorrow at 8.30am to drop off Mischa which won’t be any fun at all, except that Mischa is a lot of fun, so yay for that. And then I have other things to do later in the day which will be fun as well. Also I got txts from Ayna tonite so that was cool (oh my god, txt HAS taken over my life – do you notice how I don’t use g-h words anymore cos they take too long to type on a cellie?) except that I miss the Welly Massive, and also it’s amusing how much I’m so not interested in the person I was crushed out on over Xmas. But hey, people change and move on and all that, right? And besides, Diane didn’t wanna share me with him and how could I go against that?

So I’ve been online for like 30 minutes and I still haven’t managed to read a single one of my emails yet. I really must change email accounts.

I bought two heads of brocoli today at 15 cents a head each. This is a good thing. I got them in Northcote, if you’re interested. Today again I was driving around the Shore investigating venues. It’s great. I like Rob in the car division – he gave me a manual drive car today when I told him about the stupid things I did with the automatic last week (I was wondering why the car braked so damn jerky when I was being super gentle until I realised that I was using my left foot on the brake, which as we all know is wrong). There’s a couple’o pajs parked down in amongst the company car pool too – I’ve promised Brad and Clay I’m going to try my hardest to get to take a paj out for the day and I’ll come and pick them up and we’ll drive through Remmers darling. Anyways. So yeah, Northcote/Birkenhead in the morning, then Devenport and Albany in the afternoon.

I had a meeting with the PR Consultant lady I’m working with who’s only in 2 days a week and gave my report and she said I was going well, and that I have full authority to go ahead and book the venues and start drawing up a timetable. Scaaary! I’d much rather someone was checking me every step of the way, but I just don’t have that at work – they leave me up to my own devices. I’m very good at looking busy. I have email at work now, finally my own key and login, but so far I’ve only given my email address to essential contacts (read: Kini and Olivia). I’m trying to be good. I don’t want to fuck this all up. I’m alredy worried about finding a job in February, because I know I have a tendancy not to be very good at seeking things out because basically everything i ever need falls in my lap. Except for my paycheque – grrr! I don’t get paid for a fortnight, and I’m in malls and shopping areas for half the morning – all my xmas shopping could be done by now if I had a cent left in the bank. Ahh well. Tomorrow I’m going to be in a working party conference anyways. Have I mentioned that I get business cards?

Wank wank wank wank wank. I actually am often left without anything to do, so I call Shirley, and since I’m in an open planned office, the people around me would hear
“Hi, it’s Joanna here from *, is that you Shirley? How are you?…….. Right, I’m calling in regards to the communication briefing I received the other day……….. No no, that’s fine……..yes I was in contact yesterday but we decided to not pursue that avenue any further for a while…. yes of course it’s re-occuring….I appreciate that…. absolutely, I’ll just make a note of that…….. yes…. yes….. well would you have some time free for a meeting?…….. how’s today for you?…..alright well we’ll scheduale something for next week then” and then my boss will come back and I’ll want to ask her something so I’ll hang up on Shirley really abruptly going “Great, well thank you very much for your time”. I’m SO a kid in heels and pearls. Nevermind the fact that the rest of the office spends their lives on the phone having really boring conversations with their car insurance and real estate agent places that I can’t help but evesdrop on. Or maybe they’re all speaking in a secret code too. Hmmmmmmm, intriguing!

Because I spent so much time driving today, I came up with a list of memorable car moments that I jotted down because I was bored. You know how I like my lists. Sheesh, anyone would think that I was incapable of stringing together anything more cohesive. And ha! I’m going to alphabetize them by the first letter in the sentence:

• A memory from Primary School; the greatest day of my life ever at that stage was when I got to sit squashed up next to my Crush – Andrew Carnegie – to and from a netball tournament
• Amy and Andee taking me over the harbour bridge by mistake, playing the Spice Girls and bumping the car to cheer me up
• Anji and Greg taking me up to Auckland for Pearl Jam when I was 14, determined to corrupt me and we picked up a dumb hitchhiker who said “Youse guys”
• Countless Welly/Auck drives with Kate B, listening to Cat Stevens, blowing bubbles and taking mad photos left right and centre
• Driving myself to Wellington thinking so hard that later I wrote a 7 page essay on the appropriate course of action to take as a consequence of that thought process
• Driving to Welly with Simon and Matt Sawkill in the backseat, me giggling away to myself like the cat that’s got the cream and is mixing its metaphors like a DJ with religion.
• Going to Waiuku for Kate H’s goodbye party, Justin putting the car in neutral going down a hill and it kept going, freefalling
• Kim speeding along Greenlane West at 3am in the fog when we were on a mad sugar rush and couldn’t see 10 feet ahead of us
• Kini in my rear view mirror, the magical drive into the Coramandel
• MM in the MR2, subwoofer under my seat, lost in Remuera at 4am trying to find food cos we’d been up arguing all night
• Pajero pulling up outside my house in Mount Roskill, Shirley and Dee Cavalry coming to be with me when I found out that Opa died
• Pixie’s friend Sam’s orange pumpkin car, tinnie house in Te Atatu right next to a primary school and I thought we’d be beaten up by protective westie parents
• Roadtripping to Waihi with Shirley, her doing crazy overtaking manouvers and making Trudie scream when I dared her to drive down a bank
• Sung Song association all the way to St. Heliers with Brad in the stereoless Grey Ghost
• the other night in Jeremy’s car, cold from swimming, falling asleep on Clayton’s shoulder

I warned you that i have full stationary cupboard rights – notepads are perfect for lists.

“I think you’re crazy, maybe, I think you’re crazy.”

Friday the 18th of December

I got up today before 11am, out of my own gumption. Are you impressed? I guess the loud mixer going in the kitchen added a little extra inncentive, but that’ll be our little secret, okay? Mum was making the desserts for the Bakehouse Xmas party we’re having on Saturday night,so I helped her with those. We made a biscuit log

1. whip cream with icing sugar and cocoa
2. dip biscuits in sherry and sandwich together with the cream in a long line
3. leave it in the fridge for at least a day
4. cover with more cream and chocolate
5. serve in slices cut on the diagonal

it sound simple but if it sits for long enough, the biscuits turn into really rich cake and it’s absolutley gorgeous. Don’t tell me that this journal never does anything for you!

We also made rum pudding, which is super nice and is basically just eggs, cream, sugar and lots and lots of rum. I have such weird memories of food. Like for example, one time we were staying in a hotel in Austria, and I got left behind for half a day everyday while the rest of my family went skiing. Although I couldn’t have been more than four, I was a really good skier, but just was too young to last the whole day. Anyways, I think there were two other kids in the day care, and one day, the woman that was looking after us took us in a special lift right into the hotel kitchen, and we were each given a bowl of something that tasted like rum pudding. It was like the yummiest thing I’ve ever eaten. I tell you, my memory is probably too strong for its own good.

But yeah. So that was the morning. I did three hours at Leonie’s again, doing more typing and more cateloging. It’s easy work, except that my wrists started to get a bit sore, which probably isn’t very good. Just so long as my back doesn’t get fucked up again like it did in September. That was such hell. I thought for half a day that I had haemarroids cos it hurt SOOOOO much to sit down, before Karen asked me “what sort of chair do you use?”. Since the answer was that I use a chair whose back had broken off, I figured it out. Fuck it was good to not have haemarroids!

In the evening, I dropped Mum in town for Neil’s Xmas party, and went back home to veg for a while. Around 10pm I went into Smacksalot, to wait for the olds to call me for a ride. The place was hella busy, but since Joseph and Mark were there again, I went to sit with them. I was going to order dinner, since Mum had given me some money, but then Anji plonked a plate of thai chicken down in front of me for free… Yummmmmm. Steph was crying, so I think she’d fully fucked up an order or something. She got happy again after a couple of drinks, and I sat listening to her and Siobahn’s stories in absolute hysterics.

A friend of theirs was with a guy with a really small penis one time. Eventually she said to him “Can you stop fingering me and get on with fucking me please?” He was like “what are you talking about? I’ve been going hard for the past fifteen minutes”. Whoops!

So that kept me entertained for a while. Gregor came and sat with us too, and I asked him if he was still at IBM, which he was. He asked me if I was still in school, and I was like “No – I was at AIT in Auckland all year”. He was like “FAAAAAAAAARRRRK I’m out of touch”. It was really funny. As soon as Anji finished her shift at like 11, she went shopping with Aaron, since the Markets were open till midnight. I didn’t mind staying in Axolotl though, since I know all the staff, and the lads were still there. But then they decided to go play pool, and asked me to go with them. Well, I’ve always had a tiny crush on Joseph, and I figured Mum and Neil wouldn’t call me until midnight, so I agreed. I asked Steve, the owner, to tell my parents I’d be back in half an hour if they did call, anyways.

But then Joe and Mark decided to go to Coyote instead of to play pool. There I was, in like my derelict too baggy jeans, an op shop dress that isn’t very styley, no makeup, my glasses perched on top of my head, a useless bra, and a wallet that was too big to go in my pockets. Sigh. So I looked like crap, but I still went anyways. There was an awesome house dj playing in Coyote, so I went as hard as I good being sober, poorly dressed (jeans falling down) and carrying my wallet. I stayed for about twenty minutes, leaving after they played Armand’s Startrucking remix of Proffesional Widow. That’s like my all time favourite song to dance to in the whole world. I only wish I could’ve stayed longer, had been drinking and looked better, cos Joseph was really drunk. HAHAHAHAH fuck I’m traj.

So I went back to Smacksalotl, and just had time to order an iced chocolate from Louise before my parents rang. The perfect crime. They never had to know about my detour. Rock On! So that was the highlight of my night. Oh joy, drunk potters and other assorted loosers at my house tommorrow. Oh Joy, my mother stressing over cleaning. Oh double joy, MUm drinking and spading Paul!

Tuesday the 15th of December

Go and check out my Grudge page, and come back here later when I’ve actually written my journal entry, okay?

Okay, now I will write it up. I worked all day in the Bakehouse, which was long and boring, with the only respites being a quick visit from Jo, who gave me a shock cos I didn’t see her coming in, and I gasped in Terror. Not at her, honest! And oh yeah, Karen came by in the afternoon, and listened to me talk (for 20 minutes straight, apparently) about my adventures to Hamilton. She’s moving into Anji’s flat, cos Jen Troup’s moving to Washington DC for six months. Both my sisters living together in the coolest address in Wellington. Rock On!

Mum was in a real shocker of a mood, probably cos Paul wasn’t paying her enough attention. That woman is SO tragic, man! She was slamming things around, so I took the initiative to drive home. Her already crap driving, in a bad mood, in rush hour? That’s like, my worst nightmare.

In the evening, around 9.30pm, I went into Axolotl to see Anji, since she’d been so sad on Sunday whnen I left her. I timed it well, cos Joseph, my honey, was there, so I got to sit with him and a loser called Mark. (I think there’s something about that name that dooms them to loserness). So that was choice. Joesph was like “howcome we haven’t seen you on Shortland Street yet?” He cracks me up. I got to hear stories about his blowjob in Dunedin too from Mark – I think that embarrassed him a little. Once they’d gone, I sat by myself for a while, then K came to talk to me. She was really down, which, I imagine, is mostly due to the fact that she’s having an abortion tomorrow. Poor girl. It’s not something I discussed with her, but Anji told me. I took her flowers the other week after seeing her look really sad in town. I just wish there was more I could do! We had tortillas and guacamole – you know that you’ve got it good in a cafe when you can get another bowl of sauce for free, without even having to say a word! Plus I paid all of two dollars for a brilliant feed, and a hot chocolate. I love Wellington. I’m going to hang out with Anji on New Years Eve, cos she can get me a tab, and she rocks. Time for new adventures, I say. I just want to score. Does that sound really bad? Too bad, cos it’s true!

Any offers?

Monday, November 16th – sort of

Okay, so I think that TECHNICALLY it’s still the 15th, but hey – by the time I’m finished
it’ll probably be the 16th. Oh who cares? It’s my journal and I can do what I want in it.

So yeah. Tonight I drove Shirley’s car to the shop – now THAT was interesting. Her
gearstick didn’t seem to be centred properly, so I fought with it for ages. And stalled
three times pulling out of my park. Then I got lost driving around the block, and had to
turn around in an area the size of a playing card. I hate manuals. I was on a mission to
buy chocolate – mission was a success, captain!

Shirley and I watched this cheesy show about NZ love songs, that was kind of lacking,
and Ardijah had no place on it. I liked the Exponents (Victoria) and Dave Dobbyn
(Loyal), Chirs Knox (Not Given Lightly – of course) and natch Bic Runga, but I dunno – it
could have done with Shihad or HLAH or the Headless Chickens. Yes they do lovesongs,
dammit! Thank god there was no mention of the feelers though!

Mmmmmm so do you know where this is leading you to? Yup, my very own list of
special love songs. These all bring a nochalant smile to my face when I hear them. There
are others – inncidental music and stuff, but these songs are just the esscence. Actually,
maybe I’ll mention others. And count the number of times the Smashing Pumpkins
feature!

1. ‘Don’t Cry’ by Guns’n Roses, age 12. This was my theme song for Ryan Rimschnider
in 7th grade. They used to play it at all the dances and it always made me cry. This was
the guy who, along with Lisa Gonser, was so cruel to me in English class that I started
composing suicide notes, thinking to get Revenge. Hey – I was twelve – colour me
dramatic. Then along came the video for ‘Jeremy’ by Pearl Jam. I thought “Hey, cool
idea” then realised I didn’t want to be a copycat.

2. ‘One’ by U2, age 13. This one is for Simon Darby, who I had on-and-off crushes on
during sixth-eighth grade. He’d had a crush on me in fifth grade, when I fiirst started at
ASIJ, and used to taunt me, pointing to NZ on maps going “homesick?”. I have to forgive
him though, cos he was into MC Hammer at the time – and even had 3 pairs of the pants
to prove it. In fifth grade I was lusting after Scott Pertel, who had long tanned legs and
three pairs of reebok pumps. He was going out with Heather Delany – my mortal enemy.
She was the most popular girl in the grade, and even at age eleven had…..shock horror….
BREASTS. I was in her homeroom in seventh grade, and she was actually really nice.
Simon was also in my homeroom that year, but I think I was too busy wanting Ryan -
who, coincidently, went out with Heather for a week that year. Annnnnnnyways, back to
Simon. He became my main squeeze in eighth grade, and was given the code name ‘BS’
by me and Beth, since his catch phrase was “BIG SMILE”. Beth asked him out once,
which devestated me, but he turned her down. She and he were the reasons I started on
the school BBS system – geek girl at age 13. Anyways, U2 were his favourite band and
‘One’ is probably their last good song since they’ve gone to shit now. I heard it the day
after I’d had a dream in which Simon hugged me and promised to stay friends forever, so
it’s just appropriate.

3. ‘Landslide’ covered by the Smashing Pumpkins, age 14. Like the second day of high
school, I was in the library looking for a monologue to audition for the fall play with. This
guy pointed me in the right direction, and I remember telling Beth on the phone that night,
since she’d transferred to a military base school by then, that I’d met a guy who was kind
of cute. I ended up with a tiny part in the play, while he scooped the major role, which
meant I got to know him a lot better. His name was Nuno Periera, and though he was
kind of short, I was fully smitten. I was also currently in love with Landslide at the time,
and I got inspired by the lyrics “I’m not afraid of changing” and “time makes you bolder”.
Finally, I got up the guts to get my friend Amy Macintire to tell him. Tragic, Tragic. He
said nothing to me, so I thought that was that. Then, on the last night of the play, this guy
called Luke Buckley goes to me “you know, Nuno really likes you, he’s just afraid to say
anything.” That totally crushed me. I know it wasn’t true so I had no idea why Luke
would be that horrible to me. I cried so much before the play that night, such the drama
queen even back then.

Then I moved back to New Zealand. Fifth form passed fairly uneventfully, guywise. I
had a tiny crush on a seventh former named Sam Pearson in my Japanese class, but
nothing major – until New Years Eve 95-96.

4. ‘By Starlight’ by the Smashing Pumpkins, age 15-16. This song is SO the story of me
and Ben Morell- a guy I fell in Love (yes, Love with a capital L, almost the whole deal)
with, although I was only with him for an hour, tops. He was my first good kiss, and my
first get with. I believed him when he said he’d call, and “By Starlight” was my music of
choice waiting up warm summer nights for the phone to ring. I was completly obsessed
with him for nearly the whole year. I stood right next to him at the Pumpkins concert, and
that’s how I realised I was in love with him – I couldn’t move or even talk, I was so
overwhelmed. I could feel him in my every pore. But of course, I didn’t talk to him then,
and since he went to St Pats, I never saw him. I just learnt all I could about him from
Dylan – which led me into trouble. Other Ben songs are ‘Breaking the Girl’ by RHCP cos
that’s when we started dancing, and ‘I Could Have Lied’ (ironic much?) also by the
RHCP, which was when he kissed me, smooth boy that he was. So I guess that ‘Suck My
Kiss’ should be included too, in the three song seduction. Fuck, he was SO the man, I
was completly swept off my feet and didn’t realise what he was up to until it was
happening. He only had two flaws as far as I’m concerned; a) he shouldn’t have lied – I
could have accepted it as just a NYE thing if he’d just been honest, and b) he was too
fixiated on my ass. He told Dylan things went ‘fast’. Oh reaaaaaaally?

5. ‘Set the Ray to Jerry’ by the Smashing Pumpkins. This song perfectly captures all the
frustrations I felt having fallen for Dylan – the boyfriend of one of my best friends. Of
course, I never told him, or her. ‘Set the Ray’ was my favourite song at the time (and it
probably still is), which is why it became HIS song. Other Dylan songs would be the
Counting Crows’ whole album August and Everything After, which I grew to love
because he did. His theme was ‘Rain King’, so we’d always play that at partys, and I;d
even dance to it, not afraid in front of him. He was and is so intuitive, and is still one of
my most favourite people in the world to talk to, because I can tell him anything. He’s
doing a journalism course too, so we have lots in common – I remember one conversation
I had with him about our editorial bond, in the morning after a party when we were both
cleaning in guilt – him for spilling Sarah’s secrets, and me for sleeping next to him, sharing
his pillow and feeling so close. Why did he have to be Sarah’s? They’re STILL going out
so that’s over four years now. I’ve lost touch with her – think it’d be okay for me to ring
him? He always used to taunt me by singing Hootie and the Blowfish, because he knew I
hated them. Singing ‘Hold my Hand’ and going “come on, Jo,” extending his hands out
was more of a taunt that he could guess.

Mmmm. So now comes the bit I’m hidi-ashamed of. Yes, that’s right…….. Internet
crushes. Sigh.

6. Any song by STP. Nick loves these guys and so the two are entwined in my mind. He
was like the first guy I started talking to on the net…. I can even give you the date -
Febuary 15th, 1997. Not, that’s not obsession – it was the saturday after my mother’s
birthday, which was when I started on IRC. Anyways, he was such a charmer, saying
stuff like “I’d climb mountains for you”. It was all cheese, but I took it too seriously,
viewing him as the flipside to Ben. One day I got really pissed off with him being a wank,
so I was like “You just don’t get it, do you? I’ve completely fallen for you”. He was
shocked and things were just a weeeeeee bit strained between us for a while. But now (I
think) we’ve moved past it, and are even better friends. Despite being like my earliest
virtual friend, he’s the only person on the internet that I talk to and like and haven’t met.
And I don’t want to meet him either. I don’t think he could match my expectations.

7. “Black Star” by Radiohead. I remember how I was raving on about this song to Mike,
going “it’s such a beautiful love song” when he goes “it’s about breaking up”. In different
ways, we were both right, just that we viewed things from totally different angles – which
is a good analogy for the way we related to each other. I started chatting to Mike when
the whole Nick thing was at its most cringeful, and we became pretty good friends – I
think. It’s sort of hard to tell with him. Because he was so good to talk to, I saw him as
another Dylan, and developed a slight crush on him. I was grooming and preparing him to
deal with all my secrets when he was told about the crush (thanks Amy) and blew things
waaaaaay out of proportion. Several emails got forwarded to me about the situation so I
wrote him one, which, to put it mildly, was rather not nice. To paraphrase his reaction to
it; “every second sentence was an attack on me – when you get a letter like that you have
to stop caring”. (My memory for detail always did scare him). I felt bad and wrote to
apologise to him but things were never really the same after – it was too fragile and I
thuink I just get too much of a kick out of headfucking with him. He can do it even better
than me though, but I’m not sure he does it intentionally. Out of the blue one night when
drunk, him and his friend came over to my house, and he was actually really nice in real
life. Such clean white teeth. He also came to my birthday party, but I think that was just
to mock. Then there was more trouble after that, involving a lass called Kim, so he gave
up IRC. I think that’s the third time I’ve helped inspire him to do that – maybe that’s just
vanity. If you’re reading this, Mike, cos I know that’s possible, let me know your side of
the story. The other song that lingers from the Mike Era is ‘Protection’ by Massive
Attack – I was the girl seeking shelter in a sympathetic ear.

8. ‘Cherry’ by the Smashing Pumpkins. It’s strange because for Matt, the only guy that
I’ve ever seriously Loved (Ben wasn’t all there), there really isn’t much of a definate song.
No wait, there are. He started to like me when we talked about the Pumpkins, so ‘Cherry’
suits the mood. Amy was teasing him before it really began about having a crush on me
and he was like “well, she likes the pumpkins….” – good reason, pal! One day we both
started singing it at the same time, an eeire coincidence we often had – he was convinced it
was a psychic bond. ‘Cherry’ strikes me as a sort of a cry for help, which is what Matt
seemed to do. I so so wanted to help him. He was always so down, so depressed and
lonely. I know I helped him build up his self esteem to the point where I almost wish I
hadn’t since it’s gone too far now. The line in the song “cos I can tell you once were
pretty” was like how he liked me, and saw more to me than others. Of course, he
shouldn’t have made that judgement over the net. Another song for Matt that’s more
situational is ‘Exit Music’ by Radiohead. This was playing the morning after my goodbye
party when I’d been up all night arguing with him, knowing full well that I was in love
with him and needed to tell him, even if he didn’t want to hear it cos he didn’t feel the
same way. This song caught my desperation and made me bawl. I cried all the way to the
end of the album while he slept in the adjoining room. Then I went to write him a letter
that spelled the beginning of the end. The first bit of the letter was the line “maybe she’s
just pieces of me you’ve never seen” from the Tori Amos song ‘Tear in Your Hand’. I
can just so relate to that heartbreaking song, wondering with Tori why the hell it couldn’t
just work out.

That was back in January, and I’m finally not in love or obsessed with Matt anymore. My
Current Infatuation hasn’t got a song yet. He’s got shit taste in music, and nothing really
strikes me as situational. Having a song is normally the way I tell if I’m serious about
someone, but oh well. I know that I feel seriously about CI Boi, but damned if I’m going
to re-live the Matt Hell again.

Fuck, this was waaaaaaay longer than it was meant to be, but that’s cool. I enjoyed
writing it, and i’m super proud of YOU for reading it all.

xoxox

Who will be next?