On my birthday last year I woke up in bed with a nice girl, and then Anji showed up and brought us coffee, we all went to brunch and then cleaned Karen’s apartment. The year before that, I was fucking relieved not to be having vagina surgery, and was possibly still really stoked to have been felt up by a boy who was one the best pashes evah the night before, we went to Cafe Istanbul for dinner and I saw the Real Hot Bitches for the first time ever. And I think that last link does a good job of summing up other years, but I will point out that on the day I turned 20 I dumped my boyfriend (ala, the ASSCUNT of twitter from the previous entry) because he wouldn’t make an effort to see me, and ten years ago, I had a really sucky 18th birthday in which people I cared about said nasty things about me because I drank and (shock horror!) smoked pot (one of those three people is now one of my best friends, one of them does far too many drugs now, and the other is in Australia) and it turns out that another one was sleeping with the guy I fancied at the time. Etc. So today’s not really being able to sleep until after 6am and all the voices in my head speaking in Scottish accents ala Anna from This Life, then workshops, dinner at Caffe Italiano and Quiz Night is really not that stand-out-y.

Has it become apparent to you via this post that birthdays are actually very important to me? I hope it has, because I’m living in a flat who fail to notice that,and it’s weird. Actually, this is the third birthday in a row tat I’ve had in which one of them will fail to pay it any attention. Oh, but, on a non-flatmate note, I haven’t had a birthday cake of my own on my actual birthday since I was 17 – until this year, when Anji and Bambi bought over a beautiful delicious cake for me with champagne bottle corks. I’ll put in photos at some stage. And also creepy video of karaoke. Karaoke was SO fucking awesome, it was such a good night, I love me some friends, and also Yvonne at Longxiang who dealt with me having 18 friends at dinner and that not even being close to all of them. I’m not always entirely sure why anyone likes me sometimes, but at dinner I totally got it and it was lovely.

Also random blah blah. Something about sex. Oh yes, the twitters on Saturday night. I’ll tell you, I am SO fucking horny right now. Like, there’s the usual depression thing of wanting to lose yourself under someone, having them thrust aside all thoughts in your brain even for a couple of minutes, the validation of having someone wrapped around you, and then there’s pre-period hormones, in which everything is a turn-on (see above quizmaster love from tonight, although of course that’s not a new thing because of course I fancy the rare people who appear to be smarter than I) and oh man oh man oh man sometimes all you can think about is getting a pounding.

Then there’s the decision that if 27 was the year of debauchery, which it hardly was, then maybe I wil make an attempt to make 28 year of health (starting tomorrow of course). Even my taxi driver tonight asked me if I suffered from Anxiety, which holy fuck yes I do. I should defend myself in saying that he asked because he had it, not because I appeared totally buttfuck crazy, honest. Anyways. Full circle. I hide in bed to avoid the world (read: flatmates going “oh, not at work today?) then hate onthe world (read: flatmates) for not doing anything for my birthday. Yes, that’s right, you can’t win with me at all, anyone. Haven’t I made that clear already? I should I suppose clarify here: I fucking miss Kat’n Kane, and Bopha and Brad, and Kateb and Clayton and Simon like, so much. I am deeply deeply nostalgic for flats of yesteryear when they were more than just a collection of individuals under one roof.

Except, you know, if you give me a good fucking right now. And that won’t happen because I am far too anxious. Joy! Yes, cycle, yes, I will get out of it. Man, I am looking forward to sleeping tonight.

Oh, and finally, have i mentioned lately that I think Sebastian is gay? There’s always bitemarks on the back of his neck. I wonder if the gay cat world has bears, because he is big and hairy. But he is also poised and handsome and constantly grooming. But the cats he talks to during the day look like twinks to me. I reckon that’s why he kept trying to do Sammy when we lived with Iva, even though Sammy was actually (sort of) female. Ahhh cat sex, that’s a good note to end on, right?

But I don’t smoke pot anymore, of course, and man, I so fucking miss that. Did you see the parts in my journal in 1999 when I used to be in my pyjamas, and someone would call, and my flatmate would be in love with them so I’d put on my grandfather’s silk dressing gown and get driven across town to go smoke with them and then go home? Good times. I wish the world was that simple right now.

Yes I know that I am full of “oh I wish that things were still that way or that way or whatever it is that I want”. And yes, I realise that might make you think that I am unhappy with the way that things are right now. I wish I could write and explain the things that are causing me drama. I have layers of privacy written into this journal, and I could make posts on different levels, or write in different spaces, put in linked footnotes, or be really obscure, but I don’t want to do that. I wish I could tell you what I dislike about my job, very specifically, but I am reduced to saying “government can be a little bit slow-moving”. I wish I could tell you what the problem is with my homelife, but I will sumarise by saying that Kat and Kane are moving out in February to go to Tauranga to be nearer to Kat’s Mum, and you can’t argue with that. But oh yes, of course it doesn’t actually matter when they’re going, as much as I love them and will miss them so much, because oh yes, that’s right, I’m BEING EVICTED. They’re terminating the lease on this house that I love so much on February 3, so I will need to be gone, and find somewhere new. I left a note for Smoo telling him about it and saying that I hoped he would come with me when I set up a new house, because I love living with him, but he’s gone to Hamilton for Xmas, so I don’t know what he’ll say and I’m a little bit scared that he’ll be all like “oh you know what? Done our dash at this flat, time for me to move on”. But I suppose if that’s the way the road goes, that’s the way the world goes.

I am trying to be very calm and very philosophical about everything in my life right now. It does not help that I have failed to go to the gym for a couple of weeks, that my alcohol intake has increased exponentially with the season, that I can’t remember the last salad that I had, that there’s a full moon and most significantly that I am down to a pill a day, if that, because apparently it is far too too hard to find five minutes to cut them up and fill my seven-day box.

So there have been more than a few tear-bouts. Like when my car got towed from the carpark near work that I’d only parked in because I’d failed to sleep and was running an hour and a half late, and that was all the coins I had. I didn’t know who to call and I didn’t want to bother anyone with my drama, but as I later suggested to my counsellor, if anyone was in my position and they failed to call me, I’d want to punch them in the head because of course I’m always there for them (so I have resolved to treat myself like I’m actually my friend, so that I will see that I am actually important and special and deserving of cherishing and nourishment – the way I view my friends but have difficulty seeign myself). So yeah, I called Shirley, and cried and cried, and through a series of navigational mishaps, we ended up driving out to Petone. I had a big panic attack – or is it an anxiety attack – in her car. My heart rate went out of control, my entire body tensed up to the point where my left side felt like it was a heart attack, my flesh tingled, and I had the most disgusting metalllic taste in my mouth. I was more successful in fighting it because I was in someone else’s company than I normally would be. And we wen to the beach, and I stood ankle deep in the cool water and tried to unclench my body, which had of course gone into total survival clenched mode.

We wandered down Jackson St forever, trying to find a place for dinner that was open which would fit us in, and finally we came across Gusto, down the opposite end from Wanda Harland. Yum! We had a cheese plate which had a brie that gooed everywhere, and antipasto with four kinds of preserved meats. The service was a little new, but very well intentioned. And after we had retrieved my car from the towing yard, $180 later, I stopped by quiz and was so upset and stressed out about my workshop the next day I hardly even noticed when the Quizmaster hugged me.

The next day I had a huge big challenge organising an interactive workshop on wikis for 50 people. I panicked and doubted myself and thought I’d fucked up room bookings when it was of course some people overstaying their time in rooms, but other than that, it went pretty good. And then after work I got drunk over dinner at Longixang with Karen and Kowhai and Lisa, and we drove out ot Martha’s shop opening and I drank more champagne and bought presents for Anji and Karen, and a bear-shaped rug that I am SO going to fuck someone on, while my fire-place video plays on the TV. Maybe I will add in photos some other time.

I didn’t write about the Wellingtonista awards yet either. Such an amazingly good night. I can’t believe that things went as well as they did. It was such a stressful period leading up to ist, but on the night, it appears that we pulled it off quite well indeed. My dress was pretty, and that;’;s what’s most important, right? and OH MY GOD Blam Blam Blam were so astonishingly good,a nd I jumped up and down and up and down and dancd and danced and then I hugged them and the whole time I was dancing I had the biggest grin on my face going “BLAM BLAM MOTHERFUCKING BLAM ARE PLAYING AT AWARDS I FUCKING HELPED ORGANISE!” (although props for the actual night must go to Mitch and Russell) and it was just so fucking lovely to know that 678 people voted, compared to 57 from last year. The Wellingtonista have filled my social calendar this year and I love them all dearly, even when they don’t read their emails properly.

And there are other things that are lovely in my life. Kat and I may have finished our Veronica dates, but the other night on our girlie date night we watched Dirty Dancing and then The Breakfast Club and I know that even when they’re gone in February, they’ll be coming back all the time for wrestling. And fuck, I so don’t want them to leave. Do you know how amazing our vege garden looks right now? I don’t want ot have to leave this house, it’s just not fucking fair. This is my home. How dare they “consider their options”? Shirley’s consoling words have been all about promising me that I’ll find a place with a better kitchen, but how will I find a house big enough to fit in all my crap? I have so much crap. My aim over the holidays is to throw out three things a day, but I dunno if I’ll get that done. Yesterday I was hungover all day from end of work drinks, with Tom buying Bollinger at Arbituaguer, and then much sake at Hede, and teapots at Alice, and more wine at Hawthorn, and today I had half a dozen people (Karen, Tom, Kowhai, Shirley, Frances, Lisa, Kat & Kane) over for drinks in the sun, which of course turned into drinks with candles outside and everyone wearing my hoodies and wow, I’m so fucking huge. My idea of spontaneous entertaining starts with texts at 10am, and then there’s bratwursts and frozen samosas and a trillion cocktails. We’re having Xmas at Mum and Neil’s, even though their deck isn’t finished (I am SO dreading the mess already) and so Karen and I went entree shopping this morning. And I have already finished the white rum, apparently. D’oh!

What more did I have to say? I am so fucking craving some physicality. I want to devour the world. So let’s end it there, yes?

That’s a lie, actually. From now on, I’ll try to use full sentences, but if I break off, it’s probably because this is where I’d like to insert a while bunch of swearing, but as someone with a CV out in the marketplace and a number one google ranking, I will control myself. A little, anyway. Haha half sentences!

Kyuss is on the TV now, so I feel like I am in the back seat of Fatty Simon or Milhouse Mark’s car, and we are speeding from Hamilton to Auckland. I spent a long time saying that I thought that Kyuss were a lot more interesting than Queens of the Stoneage, but I’m not entirely sure that’s the truth. I’m watching Watch This Space which I recorded last night, of course, and it’s 8.56pm. Yes, it’s Friday, and I am home alone. The Double Ds failed in their role as the usual Friday entertainment, but given the blackness of my mood, that’s probably for the best. It’s times like these that I wish that Extreme Makeover – Home Edition could still make me cry. I’m not too worried though – I mean I did have Hell Day, but given how I’m also Hungry Like The Wolf and also mangoing like woah, I know that I’m pre period. Which will make a nice change from my cunt stinking like, and oozing out, Canestan. Stupid goddamn yeast! And stupid one dose pills not being enough. At least I only went for the 3 day treatment and not the 6. If only bread and beer weren’t so tasty. And sugar. It’s funny because after the Ginger was such a cunt with his insistence that I had diabetes, I was all “Well I hope he’s saying that because I had a yeast infection and therefore my cunt tasted rancid”, but the boy I was with last week was very nice so I’m hoping it wasn’t all bad then. And speaking of that, it is very strange to have slept with someone who has known me at the time the second longest of anyone that I had sex with. It kind of makes me go “umm, but I am crazy, and I sit around watching TV all day in my PJs, and I overthink everything, oh also, and I am crazy, why the hell would you want to do me?”. Oh drunken me taking advantage of people, you make the world go around.

Yeah no, I totally want Josh Homme to touch me in dirty places now, I totally get the QOTSA obsession.

I pretended briefly that I was upset to be home alone tonight, but that’s pretty much a lie. Life has been waaaaaaaaaaaay too hectic (I almost wrote Hexic, so you can see why my wrists have been bunger lately – and no, it’s pretty much nothing to do with the increased screen time Sara Ramirez has had). When was the last time that I wrote? A bloody long time ago. The 22nd. So that was the day of the last night of Wellingtonista Bowling League? I spent the time inbetween work and bowling crying on Anji’s shoulder. Metaphorically of course. I sat upright in my chair on the balconey at Concrete, and only wept, not sobbed, so i didn’t even have to touch up my mascara. My frustrations with someone at work had led me to run away to the waterfront at lunchtime but there I cursed the citalapram that meant I couldn’t even really cry even thouhg that was all I felt like doing. After work it was a little easier, but tears didn’t fall. Bowling was awesome, and I’m so glad that I started the league, even though I was frustrated with a lack of players who were actually in the Wellingtonista, especially since we had to get in a substitute player from Xero who, umm, was lovely, but not quite up to the standard of a couple of people from the Wellingtonista who’d played in early games, so ClickSuite beat us by 14 points and therefore we came in last in the league. And of course, I didn’t find a job through thet league, or a rich husband, so in my eyes, it was a complete and utter failure. Heh. Oh, but did I mention that Anji and I had a very tasty dinner at Finc before – pork belly and also pear & beetroot dip with lesbian bread (heh), and the waitress was like “I’m the dessert menu!” and I was like “i’m not sure I want to eat you…” (who am I kidding?) and she was like “you’re dirty!” and I was like “tehehe”? No, well we did.

The end of bowling meant that we had an awards ceremony at the Southern Cross on the Friday night. I’d booked 20 people into ‘The Den’ which is the long thin area to the right of the bar at front at 7pm, but by 7.15 I was still sitting by myself feeling like a spaz every time I told people to go away because I’d booked the area. Apparently Silverstripe had shown up early, and, finding noone there had gone out to the garden and didn’t find us for a very long time after that. But then people showed up in a rush which was good. There was a Skank moment in the bathroom but after a quick “omg, eww” moment to the double ds, I totally forgot about that until the next day. I gave everyone their awards and made them shake my hands and let me kiss their cheeks. The darling Sue had made up Wellingtonista badges that I’d designed and we’d had a secret rendevouz in Midland Park for me to get them off her, and they went down a treat. I had lots of fun. The ever-entertaining MG, who was the only one representing Clemenger suggested that he’d set up a meeting for me with someone from a magazine that I have a review of to do for the Wellingtonista. Someone in ClickSuite that I’d never met before invited me to an Apres Ski party, cementing their status as the most sociable team. I gave everyone invitations to English County Club, and fought off questions such as “is that really your house?” and “what’s Tapiri Manor?” Although I wasn’t very drunk when I left, I asked Dave to walk me to the taxi and make sure that he remembered the company because I am trying to make sure that I’ve trained myself into safer habits for times when I’m not so in control. I was proud of myself for that. I wonder how much people think I’m being overly anxious. It’s really hard to make the transition between thinking that you are bullet-proof to trying to do what’s right, so I will continue to salute myself.

Mmmmm Josh Homme. Mmmmmmmmm. Oh yes, lick me like I was your guitar…

I wish Crazy Canadia was online right now. Or that I was in Vegas too.

Umm, that was Friday. On Saturday, Lani and I cleaned the house, then went up to Ngaio to drop off the Mysteriously Broken Chair (“Daddy, I have an exciting new craft project for you!”) and pick up my early birthday present – an 8 gig nano that Daddy somehow bartered the Australian duty-free man down to A$303 (as opposed to NZ$450), and managed to talk my father into making pancakes for us. It wasn’t very hard, it mostly involved me saying “hey, have you guys had lunch yet? I’m starving!”. Then it was back home for more preparation and some stress-related grumpiness and control-freakery for me. I picked up Lisa and also Other Lisa, who I hadn’t met before and who was a little surprised by my embrace. But she took it gladly at the end of the night. I was dressed as Antoinette (my mother’s middle name, not that she’ll admit to it) Chocolat Tophey-Smythe, the second wife of a terribly rich terribly old terribly high society British man, who happned to be away while I hosted the party. Lisa was Emoly McBlack, an exchange student from the future (she had “This ain’t a scene, it’s a goddamm ARM (s race)” written on her arm (SO AWESOME. Despite the badness of the song)) and Other Lisa was Olivia Inkton, the society reporter. My new C4 comment is that Bauhaus’s (Top 10 Alternative 80′s [sic])singer sounds just like Matt Bellamy. I love ‘Ziggy Stardust’. Other people came in their costumes, and we had very civilised food and drink and conversation and back stories. A boy told me I was the most interesting person he’d ever met and I went “tehehe” even if he was taking hte piss because I told him that I’d seen Spiceworld 28 times. A jolly good time was had by all but I can’t remember the exact things I wanted to write about ti. But Oh! The Cult! This fucking chart is totally my sisters’ album collections. And this song (‘She sells sanctuary’) was so ripped off by both the Foo Fighters and The Donnas!

Sunday meant struggling out of bed with sore feet, and Lani and I jumped on the bus down to the stadium (that walkway is so like the walkway to Tokyo Disneyland – a million miles to the station when you have sore feet). We got in to the Food Show, and I had an attack of the grumps, but her savign seats and me going off to find a bathroom (it took me forever, and oh boy, it stung just a little more to see that a company that didn’t hire me was blocking off a female toilet with their stand) and grabbing a latte and a couple of nibbles put me in a better mood. We met up with Anji and Karen to watch Hayden Wood make cocktails, and although the techno music was annoying and he seemed like a bit of a plonker, I love his books, and watching the flairing was very amusing. And he called me Sweetheart when I ran up to grab a Feijoa and rum concoction.

With that icey drink in my belly I felt much better, and we went off to drink our way around the Hawkes Bay. In previous years, Karen and I have started off on the other end, so that by the time we’ve reached that area we’ve been too drunk to try everything, but given how much time we’ve spent with Wairarapa wine lately, it just made sense. There were some very nice drops, and I bought too much, and we bumped into Karen’s old flatmates Alistair and Korina, which was rad. We drank and ate and drank and ate and drank and ate, and then Lani and I got seperated from Anji and Karen, and time started running out so we ran around getting as much in as we could. I thought I did brilliantly at the Prenzels’ Schnapps stand trying every flavour until I found out that Anji and Karen bought the ends of every bottle for $20. But we got free cereal and free tubs of guacamole, and chocolate and apples to take away, not to mention the ton we ate, so woo! Plus I got to semi-shock several older gentlemen showing them my humping unicorns hoodie that I had in my bag. It made sense at the time, but in reality, I got drunker at the Food Show than I did at our party the night before. Woo! $18 is TEH AWESOME. Especially since I’m pretty sure I tried the Wairarapa wines for free since I took a dirty glass from one of the winemakers – on his suggestion (or perhaps my coercion). Heh.

Then on Monday I just wanted to crawl into bed again all day, but instead I went home and made kickass Dhal for Lani and the double Ds, and also Lani’s friend David, which I suppose makes it the DDDs. We tried to rouse Smoo, but he was sleeping the sleep of the dead, even after I woke him up, so no flat dinner was to be had. And Dyl didn’t do our dishes like he was supposed to for not bringing wine, but we did play Cluedo and I did win.

Tuesday was umm, I can’t rmeember. Crappy? I do remember reading Q in my room after work suggssting I was in no mood to talk. On Creative Wednesday, I went for a swim at the pool – half an hour of laps and then half an hour in the spa. Halfway through the laps, I decided that the old man in the lane next to me was perving at me far more than was deserved (me in a swim suit is really not hot), and then I saw a strap trailing in the water and realised that my halter had come undone. AWESOME! *goats motion*. I really wish I could find a fat-person two-piece with a racerback top, but apparently practical swimwear is out of the question. Because people with my shape should just be lounging about,not trying to improve their current situation or something. Same thing with the hardness of finding a proper sports bra.

Yesterday was Thursday and I ummm hmmm, stuff, blah blah blah. Oh! Karen, Anji and I had a most amusing and delicious dinner at Medina, that I must review on the Wellingtonista. And today was Friday and oh man, I think we covered that already today, or at least I have in texts, and forwarded emails, and just AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH. And now my port is empty, so I must go over to my shiny silver tray ($1) and realise that my decanter ($2) is empty, so I must refill my glass (50c) from the bottle from my parents (free) that is in my sideboard (free). So I might go do that instead.

Stupid bloody notes from stupid bloody landladies. Let me get some sleep you vile creature.

PLEASE LET ME GET SOME MOTHERFUCKING SLEEP, CONSTRUCTION!

I hate boxing things up and packing and cleaning.

There’s restructuring and turmoil at work, and people’s personalities are really starting to fray.

I just wish I could have my old flatmates back – maybe ummm say Brad and Simon to balance out numbers for me and Bo rather than having to answer stupid people’s stupid questions. How many fucking times do I have to tell you that no, you can’t see the place until the 15th? Grr. Oh yeah, you do want to move in with me, by the way. Email me.

I emailed Shirley today, for like the first time in about three months, so I had to recap all the shit that I’ve been going through, and that’s never fun. On a similar vein, I’ve been keeping a list of things that I want to talk to Kalpana about, next time I can afford to go see her, and I’ve included on that list something that really, I very much would rather not talk about, but i guess if it still affects me then maybe actually I should. Ick. Maybe I will book my next appointment in for the afternoon after our staff Xmas Party so I can at least be drunk and it’ll be a little easier. Except then I’ll just end up bawling and I haven’t done that yet. She only has one box of tissues in her office. It’s way too sterile.

I had a job interview today and I think I impressed them a lot. I’m afraid the job environment could be very Foodstuffesque though, so I will be forced to think very very very long and hard about what my priorities are if they offer it to me (pay rent or feel like I’m going somewhere? pay rent or feel like I’m going somewhere?)

Tomorrow Ammy and I will be interviewing prospective flatmates HERE, rather than at the actual house. Personally, I think the most important thing is that the people are cool and we can get along, and if they don’t feel that way well then that tells you somehting.

Tonight I had emmediate and watched “Not One Less” instead of drinking vodka. It was a good movie. I have leftovers.

Today I went to Rumba! It was hilarious, and also super choice because of the following reasons:

Reasons why I have a crush on the latest boy:

You still don’t fucking get it though, do you? Because I’ve had so much time to think about this, to figure it all out in my mind, to the point where everything becomes predictable, where I know what people are going to say before they say it, and where it’s almost like there’s no point in having conversations anymore. Why don’t you suprise me? Go on. I bet you can’t. See, that’s your problem maybe, your defeatist attitude. And I’m sorry if you think that I’m being unnecessarily harsh, so if it helps, maybe I’m not talking to YOU at all, I’m talking to someone else. How dare you think that you’re the centre of my universe at all, after all?

But here’s where we’re at. There is a mouse running around in ym bedroom in Auckland, which meant I slept on the couch on Tuesday night, restlessly, having weird codeine spiked dreams. I shrieked at the mouse, and wanted to jump up on a chair. When I rang Tom for reassurance he said I sounded the most feminine that i ever had. And now of course, my landlord’s phoneline doesn’t work, and her cellphone is out of range, so I am not a happy camper at all! Or at least, I wouldn’t be, if i was still in Auckland. But as it happens, I am in Wellington, with a big stupid grin on my face. So there.

Oh for fucks sake Tom, is there anyone you DON’T know? Stop trying to be Kate Hamlin. Or Justin, I guess this case is, kinda.

Where was I? Oh, Bo and I struggling with my suitcase up to behind the Sheraton so I could get the bus to the airport (I have now traded with Momma for her suitcase on wheels), then the flight to Wellington being completely bumpy and horrible. I was smiling like a crazy woman cos we all know i like being scared, whilst trying not to be sick as we landed. Then Momma picked me up and we had lunch at the Crank Cafe, and I got to go home and have a nap before having to drive her places in the van so she could get the tyres changed on the car. Mmmmm nap. And hten I took another one after that, so nice to not have to worry about mice running around. After that, I had dinner with Mummy and Daddy, and they dropped me off at Espressaholic to meet up with Fatty Si Si.

I had a drink there with his friends, and then as soon as we stepped out on the pavement, Henry started making me laugh because he really is a very strange boy. It was so nice to finally get to see Simon again too, cos he kicks so much ass. Anyways, so we headed up the road to Traffic, which was booked out for Ayna’s party. It is SUCH a nice venue, I am so totally going to have something there sometime. It’s the old Indian restaurant that used to be public loos before that (yes i know, it sounds wrong but it’s just so right). One round room at one end had a tiled floor, and a fresco ceiling and turntables set up in it, and the other round room at the other end had a pretty blue ceiling that ended up looking like the ceiling at the Civic to me, and persian rugs and low couches, and in between those rooms is an area with a pool table, and then another area with a regular nice kinda bar in it, and it’s all painted dark red, adn there’s a fire in the bar bit. So yeah, fantastic venue. And there was just such a good vibe going on, cos there were three people having their birthdays, so it was all friends and the place was full, and it just felt really nice. Lotsa djs took turns playing, and it was all fullspectrum drum&bass and also lotsa different kinds of hiphop, and there was a guy mcing over the drumandbass at times, so it was very cool. I danced my ass off. I talked to lots and lots of people. I lisped my way through half a little piece’o cardboard. Si Henry and I sat in the corner of the chillout room for ages and ages and ages, covering a heatvent up with a plant cos it was too hot and I felt like iw as going to die from laughing so hard at them singing a little worker’s song – stampy stampy sorty sorty stacky stacky. If only i had a song like that, I’m sure my workdays would fly by too. At some other stage of the night, a girl pulled out a container of kalamata olives out of her bag, and Si had a sack of pistachios. I love Wellington people who carry backpacks! I wormed my way into conversations with random people when I got bored,a dn defended the “dark arts” that I studied before finally hearing that one of the guys I was talking to worked in Communications anyway. I suggested that someone run around the block if they had too much energy and lauhged soundly when they actually did. I danced and danced and danced and danced, adn then I danced some more. The music was amazing and everyone was dancing so well. I love poeple who do mad things with their feet. It was such a good night! Si left sometime around 12, and I thought about going with him cos he’d said his flatmate was away so I coulda crashed there and saved cabfare, but i was having far too much fun. I didn’t really get much of a chance to talk to Ayna,b ut she seemed really happy that I was there, so that was cool. One very e’d up girl who I’d never met before hauled me to my feet and told me off for crossing my arms in front of myself – “you don’t have to cover yourself up! you’ve got a beautiful body (with a little handmovement curvy drawing thing too)! don’t you like yourself?”. She was scary and made me self concious, wheras before then I’d been far too happy and comfortable and mellow and chilled out to even think about shit like that (oh and i was wearing my cleavage top, which I love). Eventually I just sat on a couch on the dancefloor for hours, having a long and engrossing conversation about the history of Soul Music (“I love hte vibe,” he says, and then he says “let’s just sit here and enjoy it” and he leans in even closer, puts his head on my shoulder and we almost fall asleep). And then I walked him across town and had ot leave in Cuba Street cos there wouldn’t have been any more taxis, and the driver was just grinning at me going “so you had a good night did you?” cos he would have seen the dithering, and hte hugs and the kisses on the cheek. And I smiled all the way home.

This morning Mummy woke me up for brunch – pancakes and bananas and pig, and she wrote me a list’o things to remember, and then they left, and I floated around the house all afternoon. This evening i went to another PR function, this one held in the Portrait Gallery of Bowen House. It was okay – I talked to some people. Steve Maharey (Minister of Tertiary Education and Broadcasting) gave a speech, adn then I went and talked to him and he gave me the name of the guy who runs his media unit so that i can express my interest in working htere. No one flat-out offered me a job. Then I went to see Anji, and she didn’t have a key to our house and i knew I’d locked myself out. I went home to meet up with KateB but our neighbours were out, and the laundry window was shut, so Kate and I had to drive back to town to Karen’s to get the key off her. My time down here is going to be so hectically social. Everyone wants a piece’o me, and while I want a piece’o everyone too, right now after last night, I think there are people that I want more pieces of than others. I’m filthy. Except that I’m actually not, because once again, when I actually really like someone, I respect them far too much to make a move. Darn.

I’ve had whispers of conspiracy theories going on in my head, which really serve just to demonstrate what a paranoid paranoid paranoid girl I am. Nevermind.

Hmmm, what have I been up to lately? Working yesterday afternoon, but Terri was out sick, and Bridget’s away for a month (dammit, I nearly called them by their real names) and I didn’t have very much to do and I couldn’t move further without help from Terri, so I did do some more work on my zine. It’s nine pages long now, but I figure I have to make it at least 16 to make it worthwhile doing, and I’m finding that really, there’s not all that much more I can write. I’ve already outsmutted myself, I think (oh, for those of you who’ve just tuned in, my zine is called “BOYS BOYS BOYS BOYS BOYS”). Still haven’t found out if I got the job yet or not. It’s stressing me out more than just a little bit.

I was naughty and wagged my HR Tut this morning, but luckily it turned out that it was canceled anyway. Joseph was more than usually disturbing in our PR Practice tut, so Haley and I ever-so-grownuply wrote notes to one another, mostly about DiscoDan and I think I caught her up on my conspiracy theories and she just laughed at me. She also wrote me a note saying that I should tell Clayton she thinks he’s hot and that he should give her a call if he ever breaks up with Kara. I laughed. Oh, I’ll interrupt me with this side story here – Clay is a little grumpy with me tonight, cos he was telling me a story about this guy who tried to pick him up on the bus, who kept quizzign him about his background and what school he went to and stuff, and so when Clay told him, they tried to compare names of people they knew from there but they had no one in common, so Clay went “oh, but I know (umm forget his name) from Queer Nation”, so in the retelling of it I was like “oh of course Clay – all gay people know each other and they all watch Queer Nation” and so he’s shirty with me for accusing him of stereotyping, but oh well. Typical self loathing!

Anyways. Where were we? Oh yeah. So after our very long plenary meeting, Haley and I went to the Playhouse cos we thought we mighta been meeting the fashion students for an interview, but we weren’t sure cos Haley had sent out the email and not checked it recently (grr!) but they didn’t show, as I kinda expected, so we just had a drink and did much gossiping instead. Then I went home and phoned Momma, and booked plane tickets to Wellington. Yes, I’m going back there, even after declaring loudly many times to many people that I never ever wanted to again. Here’s why:

1. Ayna had invited me to her birthday party on the 18th of September.
2. We’re having a PR social down there to meet and greet (and apparently get leered at) by prospective employers.
3. Mummy and Daddy are going away for a week on the 19th, so I will get the house to myself, plus since I’m flying down on the 18th, I will get to see them for a day,which is probably all I can handle of them.
4. Karen and Anji and my KatieB and my FattySi are all down there and I miss them all and wanna hang out with them big lots.

So now I just have to get the time off work, or rearrange my days somehow. Luckily I do have a day in lieu up my sleeve.

This evening James picked me up and I went to see the team named “Stupid Horse” play indoor netball. It was fun! And it made meeee wanna play, although I haven’t since the glory days’o Standard 4. I have no doubt that I would suck at it – a lot. But still. Oh and Kate – I didn’t say this tonight, in fact I didn’t even think of it, but then I was watching Juice, so guess what? TEHEHEHEHEHEHEHHE. Love you baby.

Bo is still staying at her aunt’s, babysitting her cousin, so I rang her earlier today cos lord knows I can’t go three days without her ray of sunshine in my life. I’m so glad she moved in. Speaking of people that I like, have I said lately that I miss you? And I miss you. And you.

I have been having major crazy dreams lately – last night’s involved the cast of Home and Away, and a supervillan who was placing poisonous evil nasty creatures everywhere. It was fucked up. And oooh, I also dreamt about Amy and Andeee, so I really must give them a call sometime. I have a lot of catching up to do, I’m really quite slack huh?

On Saturday, I meant to leave by 9.30am, but instead I ended up getting up then, which meant I left at 10.30am, cos it took time to shower and gather up glam rocker clothes and accessories and my princess dress and bedding and bundle it all into the back of my car and fill up with bagels and petrol. But yes, I was on the way by 10.30am. It was a gorgeous lovely wonderful day, and I was all happy and smiley as I drove along. It only took like an hour and a quarter to get to Paeroa, home of Gil and too many people who listen to Sublime, apparently. So many small towns, so many memories of people who came from there. And there was Waihi, where Shirley took me to one day, so that was choice and I tried to spot her old house as I sped along, but I didn’t – I did pull off the road to text her though – I’m so glad that there are text links to the UK. My wrists got a little sore eventually from the driving, but it was all so sunny and nice, especially the island-like driving just outsidea Tauranga. And then as I was retuning my radio, I suddenly heard Brad’s voice, so I realised i must have found Bayrock and that Whakatane couldn’t be too far away, and it wasn’t. 3.5 hours easy driving – loverly.

So I met Brad’s (intellectually challenged) flatmates and giggled lots, and then he took me on a tour of the town. It actually took a lot longer than I thought it would, and he took me up over the hill to a lookout point where we Parked (i’m using the capital letter there cos we were both like at the same time “hey, we can go Park” although of course we didn’t actually make out or any monkey business like that – I may lick Anji’s belly from time to time but I’m not actually incestuous) and took photos of the pretty view, and then went down to Ohope Beach where he used to live. So that was all cool. Then we went to the completely authentic Whakatane experiances of The Warehouse for masks and Pak’n Slave for food (I got baked potato chips, and let me tell you, they were nice, but they just didn’t satisfy on a chip level – they were far more like crackers). After that, I kicked Brad’s ass at Monopoly without even cheating at all. I am a railway mongol. And then we watched the Olsen twins’ TV show to reminisce about the old Garland Full House days and made lots of savvy commentary.

Eventually after dinner (he’d offered to make me Rice Risotto with Mince, his signature dish, but i declined) we started drinking and got ready for the masquerade party which had provided the extra incentive for me to visit him. Brad wore old blue flares of Fatty Si’s, a brown shirt and my purple feather boa, and I did his makeup all fabulous, and I wore my princess dress and tiara and lots of glitter. His flatmate Asher and some carny friend of his came home and made me play 3Man with them, go the dice drinking games. They were a little suprised at what a filthy mouth I have. Eventually we set out in the mist to this party. Oh dear. All the lights were on in the house and the music was turned down really really low – and plus, it was like, hits from 1999, which would have been fine if the house had been filled with Garlandketeers, but it wasn’t – they were mostly old people, and no one was dressed up. Oh well. We ended up sitting in the kitchen playing 3Man again with a larger group of people. That’s okay though, cos all I wanted to do was get to dress up and see Brad, and I achieved both of those things fabulously. I guess eventually we ended up walking home, but I don’t remember that, and we got changed and went to town. Brad bought me a KGB in keeping with local traditions (ewwww) and we danced like dicks in a bad bar called The Boilerroom cos the rest of town was completely deserted. Eventually the music was just too hideous to put up with any longer so we went and sat in a taxi office for what seemed like hours to get a taxi home. We listened to more music and sent off random texts and watched m2 for a while and I (apparently) told his flatmate in great detail just why Linkin Park are so crap, and then I fell asleep pretty much as soon as I had the couch open.

Brad had to work from 10-2, so I woke up before then, feeling more than a little seedy but fighting it. He left for work and after I’d had a shower and stuff, I managed to extract my car and set off for town. After driving around a little and checking out what times the movies were playing, I decided it was far too nice a day to sit inside crying at people chasing fences, so I went to Ohope Beach again instead, and sat outside in the cold sunny wind reading the paper, fightign the urge to throw up. Eventually I got too cold, so I went and found a suprisingly good coffee and some bad food and sat in that cafe for like an hour and a half reading magazines, getting rude comments from the couple sitting behind me who said to themselves that “you could read magazines at home” but it’s not like there was a shortage of tables or anything, and besides, they ordered Steinlager, so what would they know about anything? Damn carnys.

Finally it was almost 2, so I went to the radiostation to meet Brad and he gave me a tour around it. After that, he was hungry so we went to a cafe called ‘Friends’, and yes, it’s painted the same colour as Monica’s apartment and is hung with posters of the cast. It was scary. But there was a cool purple corduroy couch and they made really good smoothies that made me feel a lot better. And then we went and rented movies. Here’s a tip – if you would like to see Angelina Joile’s breasts, you certainly do get to see a lot of them in “Original Sin” but that’s pretty much within the first 15 minutes, adn you should TURN OFF THE TELEVISION after the long extended softporn scene (complete with softporn music). I want the two hours of my life that I wasted on that movie back please. And then we went and had dinner in an Indian restaurant overlooking the harbour, and it was all 1960s decor (we might have our wedding reception there) and we were the only people in it and it was just carny carny carny. And then I had to drive home. I hate driving in the dark, I must remember to remember that.

And now my back and shouldersa re SO sore from all that driving and I’m tired, and we had Nicky Hager come talk to us today but I don’t feel like deconstructing him right now, so I won’t, but if anyone has suggestions about what I should get Clay for his birthday, do email me.

I’ve been reading through my old reports, because Mum found an envelope of them, and it’s extraordinary the story that they tell; at the American school I started out really smart and full of enthusiasm and blasting my way out of the remedial writing class they stuck me in thinking that I was a ‘dumb Australian’, and then as I got into seventh grade, comments read like “Joanna does not participate as much in class as she used to” and my marks start falling and there’s even “I believe underlying problems may be affecting her results”. Oh really? Underlying problems like ooooooh maybe I was being bullied every day, and I was fucking miserable and I wanted to die? Do you think that might have affected my marks. FUCK YOU to every single fucking teacher at ASIJ. Just looking at the reports, it’s so fucking obvious what was happening to me, and what the fuck did they do about it? Nothing. And my mother just now is like “Should we have taken you to a shrink so that you could realyl have fit in with those Americans?” Well, yes, maybe, Mum. Or maybe you could have spent at least one day in those four years not telling me how miserable you were, and tried to make things a little easier for me. This is so pathetic of me; this stuff was like, ten years ago, and it’s making me cry right now. I’m okay, I survived it all – thank god for Beth Dodd arriving at ASIJ in 8th grade, and for Lisa Gonser and Ryan Rimschnider leaving at the end of 7th grade.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.

Last night, I went around to Fatty Si’s house. We went adn got coffee at Midnight Espresson, and then rented DVDs – Zoolander and Nurse Betty. We chatted and hung out and stuff. It was cool. He said that a long long time ago, his girlfriend at the time, Heidi, used to worry about me before she met me, cos he talked about me a lot, but then she met me and thought I was super cool and loved me. As soon as you actually meet me, you realise that there’s no way I could take your boyfriend away from you, even if I wanted to, which I don’t, ever. Ladies, I am not a threat to your man! Statistically speaking, I am far more likely to score your girlfriend. I’ve only slept with one guy who had a girlfriend, and she was far too good for him anyways (as was I, which is probably one of the main motivating factors for me to do it, since it was in the six months I spent last year trying to reach rock bottom). On the drive home, through the wilderness of Wilton, I suddenly started feeling very lonely. It was a little odd.

Now I am sitting in the very warm lounge listening to the Topless Women Talk About Their Lives soundtrack (I love this album so much, although the current association i have with it is of a sweet boy’s white bum shining in the dark as he bent over to put it on at my request), and thinking about doing some writign that i told someone I’d do for them, which I wish I hadn’t. I’m too nice, I think. But my word is my word and I hate to let people down. Maybe I’ll work on it tonight when I come home leeringly drunk from “a quiet dinner” with KateB. We’ll go BYO, drink two bottles’o wine and see where the night takes us. I get to see my baby girl again, YAY. Then I just have to spend lots’o time with Karen, Anji, go visit Oma, see Fatty again, see Hulita, adn maybe call the Rimu Crew (Bopha’s old flat). It’s probably just as well that the Welly Massive doesn’t really seem to exist anymore – Ayna’s on holiday in Indonesia and Daniel moved to Korea to teach English, cos i probably don’t have the time and energy to take e and go out dancing for hours and hours and hours.

In the evening i made blackbean eggplant stirfry and there were lots of txts and phonecalls to coordinate our activities. Eventually Anji and I headed over to Ayna’s to listen to play records and chill before going out (just to be different). Charlotte and Alex came over, and so that was excellent because they’re both absolutely lovely. Charlotte used to flat with Bopa in Welly and she said that Bopa is mellow and tidy, which is very good news. And Alex is just a total sweetheart. Fatty showed p too, and him Anji and I headed down to Sub9 for DJ Zinc. The others were gonna follow us later.

Half a green alligator later, it was all excellent. When we started dancing, the dancefloor was empty, so it was really interesting to see what Sub9′s actual layout was like (“Oooh, so that’s where that hot chick snogged me before you scared her off at New Years, fatty!). and At first it was more cafe-ish music, and I wanted more “baaaaaaaaaaaaummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm” farting sorta bass, but it got there. I like dancing! Dancing number one excellent fun. I wish I could dance like the people who move their feet around lots and lots and lots though. I like watching people in Wellington dance. Si being the dear sweet boy that he is kept coming up to me to run his fingers up my neck and along my shoulders and up and down my back to make me giggle in pleasure. Tehehe, I like people touching me like that in those circumstances. Strangely enough though, he ran away when I told him that he was making my nipples errect. Dance dance dance. There was a pretty green laser shooting at the floor near me opening up portals when it wasn’t being a cloverleaf. However, at one stage, I had a freakout, cos the people were all too close and it was hot and well, you know how claustraphobic I get when people are bumping me so Anji and I went outside for a bit to chill.

When we went back in, we decided to dance in the bit between the door and the main dancefloor, which was completely empty so there was lots and lots and lots of room to go crazy in, so we did. It was funnn. I like dancing like a mad dancing thing. So we danced and danced and danced and danced. And danced. Etc. Etc. Eventually I went to the bathroom and it felt so weird to be walking that I was almost convinced that my feet were floating. My stomach started to complain after a second red bull and my temple hurt and both Anji and I were weary so we agreed that we’d had an excellent night and that we should end it on an up note, and so we left. We gave the taxi driver directions in stereo and he laughed at us. Whilst walking up the hill, I realised that it was raining adn that the rain felt absolutely lovely on my skin, little kisses from angels all over me so I stood in it for a very long time, while Anji laughed at me from the inside. In the lounge, Xmas lights were turned on and m2, and she rolled a wooden massager all over me and I was very very blissful. Then she gave me a valium and so I took a shower and had lovely lovely sleep.

Today I had coffee with Hulita at Olive which was cool, cos their cappachinos are the best in the entire country, and it was of course wonderful to see her again. Then I went home and went back to bed, because i was more than a little tired from the previous night. In the evening me and Mum&Neil went over to the Bentons’ for dinner. KateB and I giggled together lots, as we do, and our new cussword is “Bunny Rabbits” in any form or variation. We also had a big big arguement about exploitation with her dad which is too hard to explain here, but basically involves a British movie star currently featuring in a movie that’s fairly significant movie to NZ, and a boy we went to high school with. And we played Balderdash, good wholesoem fun, and I won. ANd now I am super tired so I will go read more ‘Survivor and go to bed, probably.

Today Maz came and talked to us in our PR Forum and at the end she came over to me and said “I’ll call you later” and it was so her attempt at being Carolyn Ryan saying hi to Nigel when she lectured us in Journalism second year (inncidently, why do all guys think she is the hottest news reader in the world?). After my lecture I tried to play some kinda weirdass Simon Says game in the quad but only so I could get a free LiftPlus. Students are such whores for free shit, even if it tastes nasty. Another lecture and then i went home and got stuck in on my speech again, until I got distracted by a nap.

My shoes from Willow Shoes got delivered today, yay! They’re the burgandy Mary Janes taht you will find on page three of that site if you’re really into stalking me that much. They’re lovely, and so are the people at Willow Shoes, who sent me a bath bomb as a free gift, and then wrote to me to tell me that my thank-you email had made their day. Awww. People who supply me size 11 shoes deserve all the love in the world. Yesterday I got a pair of new jeans, and they’re flared and soft and lovely, but maybe I should have got them in a size smaller because they sit reaaaaal low and they’re not supposed to. It’s weird, when I put on clothes that i haven’t worn in ages, they’re all looser too, which would suggest that maybe I’ve lost weight, but I look a whole lot fatter, and my skin is bursting with ugly pustuales, and I’m just generally unattractive right now and meh. My hair is looking good though! I did find it amusing that only KateM noticed i’d had it dyed.

My face isn’t quite ready to peel off yet though, so I will hold off on my Patrick Bateman imitations. My mummy is coming up to Auckland for a Potter’s Convention over easter, so I’ll drive back to Welly with her and her friend Paul and stay down there for a week. This means that I’ll get to go out with Ayna and Daniel et all, and hopefully get a chance to catch up with Fatty, who I haven’t heard from in a million years. You suck, Fatty. And KateB too, hopefully, unless she’s back by then, and she’ll say to me “have you lost weight?” and make me feel happy. And Tom too hopefully. I’m looking forward to the holidays, even if before then I have this 20% speech, and a 10% Com Strat, and then oh yeah, there’s that 50% IMC essay due next wednesday which I can’t yet even understand the question of. Guess who will be spending the day in Borders on Thursday buried in the Marketing section? I figure it’s only fair to use it as a library since it’s an evil empire and everything.

Why is hotmail so fucking slow tonight? Of course, i just realised that zFree is ending its service at the end of April so I’m going to have to actually pay for an ISP which means that I’ll be able to use a mailprogramme again, yay. Damn webbased mail, nothing but trouble! I saw my landlady today and she said that my room would definately be carpeted by the end of March, she was just waiting for the carpet people to come in to do one fo the apartments on the ground floor. She’s renovating the apartment of the motorcycle man who was killed in an accident. Last night I moved the dining room table into my room so that I have a proper working surface – you will of course remember that my desk is very dodgylike, and unlikely to survive an assembly then disassembly whilst the carpet is being laid. Of course, this does bring up the issue that when I have carpet again, I will no longer have any excuse not to put my bed back together. I don’t think I want to though! Having my mattress directly on the floor is really comfortable, and as anyone who’s ever even sat on my bed can attest to, it’s damn noisy. Squeak squeak squeak. Then again, since I have to put up with Kara’s MOTHERFUCKING GIGGLING all the time, so what if Clay has to hear my bed moving around, even if I’m just sleeping in it by myself very innocently? And I don’t care if I piss Ben off, because fuck, he’s pissing both me and Clay off more and more on a daily basis. I bumped into Bopa the other day, one of the lovely girls that I met on Boxing Day, and she’s living up here now and is unhappy with her flat. Clay’s friend Adrian is also thinking about finding a new flat, so Ben had better pull his socks the fuck up, that’s all I can say. Well no, that’s not all I can say. KateH offered to make me labels to stick on all my food to try and get him to stop eating it, so yes please dear,if you have time!

Maaaaaargh, I must take a break from my computer. Hurry up and call me, dick.

I must go see the movie again. And you should too. Go to www.crouchingtiger.com to see tidbits of him. It was a brilliant brilliant film – amazing fights, amazing cinematography, a good storyline, and best of all the love and the passion between Jen and Lo and the parallel passion of the other two – wow.

That website lets you make your own trailers for it, so I made one, just using what I thought were the clips with Lo in them. The actual movie trailers are so so much better – and you might have already seen and drooled over them if you’ve been to the Deluxe Cinemas lately, or possibly the Rialto, but the clip I made can be seen here. And if that doesn’t work, sorry. But it was beautiful anyways. He’s a beautiful man – he can steal my comb then tie me up any day.

I wanna learn martial arts!

Yeah, so that was like, the highlight of my year I’d say. Heh. I smell like Midori now, but it’s not from drinking – it’s from Melon bubble bath that I got for Xmas. My parents are driving me a little mad, and there’s a suspicious bump on my neck (not to mention a three inch scratch from a finger nail across my belly) but that’s life innit? I was so happy to hear from Si that yes we can stay at his grandmother’s in Taupo I yelled out “Yes! Yes!” in the middle of Courtney Place.

I hope I have dreams about this movie tonight. Mmmmmmmmmmmm!

I had SUCH a nice drive down today, all lovely sunshine and little traffic. I sang and smiled, young, fabulous and free. I listened to Kiss FM for 2 hours whilst in the Taupo vicinity because Jarrod was dj’ing on it. Innnnnnteresting music selection going on there, Fur Patrol one minue and Meatloaf the next. Oh and speaking of Fur Patrol, how fucking cool is it that they’re the Xmas number one in NZ? So fucking cool. The Xmas number one in the UK is probably “Bob the Builder” which I heard on the simulcast of Top of the Pops somewhere in the Manawatu. Eminemem played “Stan” on Top of the Pops as well, but he was strangely cut off before the last two verses. What a suprise.

My father’s trying to tell me that Robbie Williams is gay. As if.

I got a text message today from an unknown number saying “Are your nipples errect?” . I was a little confused, but unsuprised. When I rang the number back, the answering machine said it was Kate, and later i talked to the Bentons to confirm that it was indeed Kate B. So I sent her back a message that said “yes and I’m all wet and ready for you”. She hasn’t replied.

My cat Pixie is sitting on top of the largest present for me. It’s a bigass box, but I bet it’s just a cd with a lot of newspaper around it. I love Xmas pressies. I have to go shopping tomorrow though, which will be a mare.

Simon’s not answering his phone. We still have nowhere to stay in Taupo. No room at the Inn. I guess I’ll just give birth in a manger instead. Hayley never knows who I am when I phone her. Brad rang me today to ask where the axe is. He also emailed me some addresses for home&away related sites. I like this one – http://www.alfstewart.cjb.net/. Stone the flamin’ crows, Ails, you build a website and then those bloody yahoos come in with their caps on backwards and just smash the place up.

My belly hurts too. I should go, although it’s been great having a yarn with you. Oh wait hang on, what are you getting me for Xmas? This is what I would like:

• A nokia 3210/3310
• Bed linen! Queen size duvet covers, and make sure they’re pretty
• Makeup – ‘Juliet’ coloured Poppy eyeshadow, or anything Napolean, or any kinda lip gloss at all
• Money or vouchers
• CDs: ‘Kid A’ Radiohead, ‘Pet’ Fur Patrol or ‘The Altruist’ (or is it ‘Altruism’?) DLT.
• Lamps, pillows and candles (I wanna live in a harem)
• Alcohmahol or illict substances
• Art works – not movie posters
• Handbags (cos you can never have enough)
• a digital camera
• a cd burner
• a trip to Melbourne/Sydney

Thank you. I will give you my postal address on request. Oh and one last thing – my sister Karen wrote this tonight.

Me (in bear mask)”roaaaaar!” Kara: “eeek!” Me:”Sorry, I didn’t mean to score you. I mean, scare you”

So, what have I been up to this past week or so? Well since I wasn’t able to access Hubris, I wrote this and this on Swinney.org. I like places that let you in without a dress code. I’ve also worked damn hard suprisingly this week. I joined the Freemasons. But you read that on Swinney. I got my first ever four digit pay cheque, yay me. Of course, most of that will go to Entertainz and my car insurance and water bills and phone bills and my parents and paying off my bank overdraft, but still, I’m super excited.

We still haven’t found a place to stay in Taupo yet, and still I’m constantly inviting more friends to come along. I think we’re up to a group of 10 probably. We wanted to stay with Jarrod, but it seems too many people are coming up from Welly to stay with him already. Saint Pats boys!!!! Muhahahah.

I’m currently trading emails with one of the guys that I rang off Penny’s cellphone last friday whilst very drunk and making random calls. Apparently i told him we were meant to be together, based on his last name, which I remember, and I advised him never to get married, which i don’t remember. You can say a lot in voicemail, I guess. I got the photos from that night back, but I might scan them in welly, cos I can’t be assed doing it right now. I’ve done too much graphical stuff already. We’re making tapes for Friends of Garland as Xmas pressies, and I was responsible for the exceedingly stylish cover design. I’m also the one dubbing the tapes at high speed (I need a cd burner) and singing along at matching high speeds. It’s very scary, I tell you. Alvin Simon Theodore. Do do do do do do. Where’s the xentertainment article on THEM eh?

We had Garland Xmas Dinner tonight, although Jeremy’s already in Dunedin. I made fettucine with Chicken, sundried tomato, olives, walnuts and a blue brie and white wine sauce. It was yuuuuummy. For dessert we had toffee ice cream, strawberries and chocolate vodka. I haven’t had chocolate vodka in waaay too long, but as Bradley brought me back a bottle of Absolut from Australia, it was possible, bless him. I love my flatmates so so much, I almost shed a tear after dinner when we were exchanging Xmas gifts. They’re my best friends and my lifeblood. Plus they gave me a Bear Mask for xmas! And some noodle bowls. Clay and I got Brad an excellent book on Bears, and I got Clay an under $15 Wine Guide. Brad got Clay a pokemon watch.

There’s just something very very wrong about a guy giving his girlfriend flavoured condoms for Xmas – i mean why not just give her a tool kit or a bowling ball and be done with it? Really, who’s going to gain the maximum benefit out of that gift after all?

The other day – well, Wednesday to be exact, after work and a cold shower for me (long hot sweaty drive home) Brad and I went up to investigate our new Local, which used to be a restaurant called Forte, and before that a restaurant called Amadeus. It still has an odd man standing outside it, but it’s now a pub called “The Horse and Jockey” which is appropriate given its proximety to the Ellerslie Race Course. I bought him a pint. He bought me a pint. It was still too hot to bother walking home so I bullied him into a third (“what do you have to get up for tomorrow? what do you have to do with your life anyways?”) and after that the fourth one came easy. When we finally made it home (it’s my New Years Resolution to become a Regular, and recognize other patrons and make jokes with the staff in some establishment, so it may as well be that one) we watched “Young Americans” which I’d taped last week and saved to watch with Brad when he got back from Australia. It’s a Dawson’s tie-in because one of the main characters was Pacey’s friend in two episodes, but it’s by no means at the same level. I know it took me a while to get fully into Dawsons, but this show’s apparently only got eight episodes made. Ahh well.

On Sunday night I went to Helen’s house for dinner. I am at one with the shore. There was petanque and badminton on the lawn. It was very choice even though I got eaten alive by mosquitos. I talked to PR girls who were all seemingly jealous that I have a PR job now despite doing Multimedia. I like my job, even though I occasionally have too much free time on my hands and my dad doesn’t always email me back when I want him too.

I applied for another job the other day (remember I’m only on a short project contract) but I was talking to the woman at the recruitment agency after I sent in my CV, and she basically said that I was too good for the job and would end up being bored silly. Nice. But she’s putting me on the books incase anything better comes up. I was talking to Lola this morning, because there was a bad article published in one of the local papers that was related to what we are doing, and she said we might have to change course with our project. I asked if I’d still have a job then, and she pointed out that I’m contracted until the 28th of February, and they’d have to find something for me to do. Yay, I’ve loved it so far. I mean how many other girls get to go into Freemason temples? And the whole car access is choice. I admit, I kinda semi plan my meetings to fall between 10-11am cos that’s my favourite hour on the radio. But I have the freedom to do that. Edina and Lola both think I’m doing really good work, so wahoo.

But i have two weeks holiday now so hopefulyl I won’t talk about work too much. There was a semi xmas party this morning. Well, the Communications Department, which I am a part of although I physically work in another area, and am involved only in communications for that other area, had breakfast out today, but I got to work too late, and Lola was already gone by the time I got there, and although I knew where they were, I felt too dumb to go along. And then the division I’m in had drinks after 11am. Of course, because I’d missed out on breakfast, I had a couple of sips of bubbly and felt all funny, so I had to leave (despite how unfascinating the people in my workspace are!) and eat something at a nearby cafe.

I really am rambling now eh. You know, I wasn’t too distraught when I couldn’t get into Hubris. I wasn’t even that distraught when I couldn’t get into Email.com. I guess it’s all a matter of priorities. But don’t worry – there’s no way I’m giving up this web site. No indeed!

Don’t forget in/out for like, other info.

xoxo

Me (in bear mask)”roaaaaar!” Kara: “eeek!” Me:”Sorry, I didn’t mean to score you. I mean, scare you”

I bought two heads of brocoli today at 15 cents a head each. This is a good thing. I got them in Northcote, if you’re interested. Today again I was driving around the Shore investigating venues. It’s great. I like Rob in the car division – he gave me a manual drive car today when I told him about the stupid things I did with the automatic last week (I was wondering why the car braked so damn jerky when I was being super gentle until I realised that I was using my left foot on the brake, which as we all know is wrong). There’s a couple’o pajs parked down in amongst the company car pool too – I’ve promised Brad and Clay I’m going to try my hardest to get to take a paj out for the day and I’ll come and pick them up and we’ll drive through Remmers darling. Anyways. So yeah, Northcote/Birkenhead in the morning, then Devenport and Albany in the afternoon.

I had a meeting with the PR Consultant lady I’m working with who’s only in 2 days a week and gave my report and she said I was going well, and that I have full authority to go ahead and book the venues and start drawing up a timetable. Scaaary! I’d much rather someone was checking me every step of the way, but I just don’t have that at work – they leave me up to my own devices. I’m very good at looking busy. I have email at work now, finally my own key and login, but so far I’ve only given my email address to essential contacts (read: Kini and Olivia). I’m trying to be good. I don’t want to fuck this all up. I’m alredy worried about finding a job in February, because I know I have a tendancy not to be very good at seeking things out because basically everything i ever need falls in my lap. Except for my paycheque – grrr! I don’t get paid for a fortnight, and I’m in malls and shopping areas for half the morning – all my xmas shopping could be done by now if I had a cent left in the bank. Ahh well. Tomorrow I’m going to be in a working party conference anyways. Have I mentioned that I get business cards?

Wank wank wank wank wank. I actually am often left without anything to do, so I call Shirley, and since I’m in an open planned office, the people around me would hear
“Hi, it’s Joanna here from *, is that you Shirley? How are you?…….. Right, I’m calling in regards to the communication briefing I received the other day……….. No no, that’s fine……..yes I was in contact yesterday but we decided to not pursue that avenue any further for a while…. yes of course it’s re-occuring….I appreciate that…. absolutely, I’ll just make a note of that…….. yes…. yes….. well would you have some time free for a meeting?…….. how’s today for you?…..alright well we’ll scheduale something for next week then” and then my boss will come back and I’ll want to ask her something so I’ll hang up on Shirley really abruptly going “Great, well thank you very much for your time”. I’m SO a kid in heels and pearls. Nevermind the fact that the rest of the office spends their lives on the phone having really boring conversations with their car insurance and real estate agent places that I can’t help but evesdrop on. Or maybe they’re all speaking in a secret code too. Hmmmmmmm, intriguing!

Because I spent so much time driving today, I came up with a list of memorable car moments that I jotted down because I was bored. You know how I like my lists. Sheesh, anyone would think that I was incapable of stringing together anything more cohesive. And ha! I’m going to alphabetize them by the first letter in the sentence:

• A memory from Primary School; the greatest day of my life ever at that stage was when I got to sit squashed up next to my Crush – Andrew Carnegie – to and from a netball tournament
• Amy and Andee taking me over the harbour bridge by mistake, playing the Spice Girls and bumping the car to cheer me up
• Anji and Greg taking me up to Auckland for Pearl Jam when I was 14, determined to corrupt me and we picked up a dumb hitchhiker who said “Youse guys”
• Countless Welly/Auck drives with Kate B, listening to Cat Stevens, blowing bubbles and taking mad photos left right and centre
• Driving myself to Wellington thinking so hard that later I wrote a 7 page essay on the appropriate course of action to take as a consequence of that thought process
• Driving to Welly with Simon and Matt Sawkill in the backseat, me giggling away to myself like the cat that’s got the cream and is mixing its metaphors like a DJ with religion.
• Going to Waiuku for Kate H’s goodbye party, Justin putting the car in neutral going down a hill and it kept going, freefalling
• Kim speeding along Greenlane West at 3am in the fog when we were on a mad sugar rush and couldn’t see 10 feet ahead of us
• Kini in my rear view mirror, the magical drive into the Coramandel
• MM in the MR2, subwoofer under my seat, lost in Remuera at 4am trying to find food cos we’d been up arguing all night
• Pajero pulling up outside my house in Mount Roskill, Shirley and Dee Cavalry coming to be with me when I found out that Opa died
• Pixie’s friend Sam’s orange pumpkin car, tinnie house in Te Atatu right next to a primary school and I thought we’d be beaten up by protective westie parents
• Roadtripping to Waihi with Shirley, her doing crazy overtaking manouvers and making Trudie scream when I dared her to drive down a bank
• Sung Song association all the way to St. Heliers with Brad in the stereoless Grey Ghost
• the other night in Jeremy’s car, cold from swimming, falling asleep on Clayton’s shoulder

I warned you that i have full stationary cupboard rights – notepads are perfect for lists.

“I think you’re crazy, maybe, I think you’re crazy.”

Boy I met last nightwas very very hot and then he said those goddam magic words “back when I was depressed” and I was like noooo I want so meone different. But hge aws still sexy, I imagine I will go stalk marbecks now. Thast qwas at dinner last night some thai place the Green Elephant w e went there for our big night out i remembre. But today is today and not then becuase yeah then was all differenyt and my toenail wasn’t broken then, and goddam I miss being in love but hey yeah ajnyways, stuff is fine this way I think and was I too obvious? I think not.

Ohb my god bbay it’s 3am i must be lonely oh fuck off maqtchbox 20, I am so un eloquent really but you are stil l reading me anyways. Clayton’s 212st was tonight,. I had soooo much fin. fuin. fun. IO was all grumpy and shit before hand. Ckay took my car. XClay took my stereo. I got basil garlic aioli all over my thai silk skiryt opn the way in and setting up. But I k nkiocked back a qwhole shitload of red whine. I HATE cklay’s relies. What a pack of bossy big dorks. wER HAD everythingm all set up and shit at the movie theatre he’d hired and they came and moved it all around. No wonder he’s so fucking pussywhipped, it’s not my fault that I boss him around.

there was a disco ball and that was fun. I slaved all day making mushroom pies and quiches. No hesitation no delay you come omn just like special k. Just like I swallowed half my stash. Lots to drink. Stuff was cool. I hadn’t seen maree in so long. Or shirley neither. Kate Benton told me I was having a good tit day. Clayton agreed. It’s so this tshirt. I love my stativc shirt,. I like my trits too. Tits, not trits. Oh god, I’m hideous, I should just og to bed but like, I’m niot sleepy. so ui will ramble, and you will read it. Suckers. you’re all pussy whipped too. Okay and Kate came into my room this morning ior was it yesterady, and said I smelt all nice like sleep. What’s up witht that? Where the fuck am I? this is SUCH a bad narrative.

Okay yueah, so I was all grumpyu this afternoon, especially when kate rang me at 6pm wanting rescuingb and I had to hgo pick her up even whenb we were supposed to be leaving at 6.15. And then in the process of getting to the theatre, the garlic basil dip got all over my skirt and oh my god was I giving everyone evil looks over that fuck I’m cold.

Talk about guilty conscience, although technically I didn’t do anything wrong. IUnless you count pyutting a shaker in my bag, but I don’t count that. UIt was from thej viaduct after all. At the back of the theaterette were a row of couches, and clay reserved those for us flatties and our signigicicant others (ie Morrison and Kara). I was sharing a couch with kate and a bottle of red whine. When I was in the bathroom, maree was talking tol me althouhgj U dunno how she knew it was me, so she came up and sat with us. But then I went and was throwing aup and I think she disappearefd. Human Traffic was the movie – it looked amusing except the chick looked like Tamsin gfrom Shortkland Street whicjh was just disturbing.

And then somehow Iwas at deschlers how did that happen? I don’t remember, butthere was live drum and base and simon w as dancing and ti was very amusing and stuff an do h my god was I really oh dear I worry me sometimes, and I talked to clayt’s frienmd Adrian who’s noce buit shy and also clay’s friemnd lucy who is a drunken slapper and his “friends’ romy and emily were there – nice look black bra dna white singlet fucking drunken sluts and they even called themselves that.

descblers became some walk downtownh after some big housekey scandel and i guess kate b let justin in after all unless he cli,mbed in our window whicjh would be easyt . some place downtown, was it providence? some name like that. $20 shakers, clay stole 4 shot glasses, I goty the shaker unbeknown to either one of us where hase si gone?: kate m dreove yus home. Providence had juice pla7ying on the big screen, but a different soundtrack. And yeah, we came home, and I was being tacky. Kate M was like “you’re on fire, we could ask you anything now and you’d amswer right? ” but the thing is I would anyways. Brad’s on lunch tomorrow, I hope it’s good.

I feel like a skanky slapper right now Only I am so muchb etter dressed. And my hair is better. As the flat would tease me, my hair is choice. a dn my nipples are amazing. etc etc. QWhy is it htat I let myslef be hassled so mch? I qwill keep my mouth shut in the fututre. Unless of course, I am having littl e black babies. That’s the rule kate m set for me.

I am so so so so so so wired right now, so excuse me if I babble. I haven’t slept in like 36 hours, except for a two hour nap last night. Last night I was up late “helping kate” with a website assignment she had (if she gets an A, which is fairly likely now, I get a half hour back massage, and a two course breakfast in bed). I went to bed before 3ish, but I have like a zillion things to do right now and so my mind decided to list and evaluate all those things instead of letting me go to sleep. And then I had to get up at 6.30, throw some clothes on and zoom out to Sky City, and PICK UP MY LITTLE BABY!!!! Yaaaaay Si’s in town. So that’s very very exciting. And Brad was just as excited when Si showed up in his bed – I didn’t tell the boys when Si was gonna get here, as I wanted to surprise them and we did.

I’d intended to go straight back to bed, but I was feeling all chipper and hyper on lack of sleep, so I made waffles instead. Clay had to go out, so Brad Si and I had a lovely breakfast together before Brad went off to tech. I felt like a good American sitcom Mom. I tried not to fall asleep in order to keep Si company, but then he went and slept anyways, so I did some work. Eventually I made Si get up so we could go to town together. We met up with Brad in the radio studio, and went to the Bakehouse Cafe for lunch. Then they made me go to my Instructional Design for Multimedia class, yawn. Peter Mansfield has progressed from calling me “Joanne” to calling me “Jo” now, and I’m not happy.

Si came to my MMbroadcasting class with me. It was so exciting, really it was. Ian logged us all onto some other server so that we could bypass the firewall to look at streaming media. Wahoo, what an experiance! Then we met up with Brad to give him a ride home, and as the motorway was blocked, we went via Newmarket and the Warehouse. Man I’ve missed Si’s momma’s warehouse card!

I spent the evening “helping kate” after dropping Si in town for some concert thingie. Then Clay came home, and I helped him put together party bags for his party. He bought $50 of pix’n mix candy. I imagine this is why I am feeling so wired. The bags are cool, man. There’s a dollar mix twist bag in each, and a hat, and a horn, and a milky bar, and it’s all stuck down with pokemon stickers. Clay’s so excited about his party, it’s so so cute. I just hope it all goes smoothly. Lollies lollies lollies. Kate came home and gave me a V, which I drank without thinking. Sugar sugar sugar sugar. I went and watched her play with makeup, and obsessed over my hair. I had bits of it twisted up while it was still wet today, so it ended up all wavy, like every single tv star has it this season. Then we waited around til like sometime past one am when Si finally texted me for a ride home. Kate drove, because we could both see how babbling and jumpy I was. In fact, I should be in bed now. More songs should use xylophones, I think.

Tom and I are going to get married on the 29th of February, but I’m not telling him which year it is. This way, every year he’ll be renting a powder blue tux and waiting by the phone. Brilliant.

Why is it that whenever I’m brokest I go shopping? Maree and I went to St. Lukes today (I rang her – she was like “I was just about to call you, only I thought ‘no, must not call joanna, must study, must not call joanna’ “) so that we could find birthday presents for Shirley, but instead I found myself buying a pressie for Kini, because when I saw it I knew she had to have it, and I love her lots and stuff. And Maree convinced me I needed more foundation, and I DID need saline solution, and a budget hoodie, so I was well served. Except of course, for not getting Shirley a pressie. I will have to look again tomorrow. Oh, we also cut Maree a key, so now Kimmy Gibbler can come over whenever she wants. And she can house-sit for us.

Our ad in the Herald rang today, but only one guy rang about the flat, and he seemed put off by the fact that there’d be four of us in the house. Go figure. He sounded boring anyway. We still have ads up at uni and AUT, and will have a couple in the trade and exchange coming out on Monday, but it just seems like a lost cause really. I’m stressed, yes, but Brad is calm, and it’s him that’s going to be left here alone whilst Clay and I trot off on our holidays. Although of course, Maree will be around. She’s driving me mad lately calling me “cutie cutie cutie”. Apparently she thinks the number of guys that I have slept with is extremely cute. I’m not sure I agree with her, but I guess the fact that I’ve uncontrollably started sucking my thumb doesn’t help much either. Brad keeps on laughing at me for that too. And if Clayton was ever home, he probably would as well. Man, I’ve become such a target for ridicule! It’s just not fair!!!!!

Three more sleeps to go! I am very very excited, as you can imagine I would be. Our house is such a pigstye right now – I dont’ know whether I should clean it before I go or not. Brad reckons this is our equilibrium, half way between the mess of Simon, and the clean of Thomas. Gosh, I quote an awful lot of other people, don’t I? Oh yeah, I wanted to quote this too:

From: “Peter Mahoney”
Date: June 14, 2000 7:37:20 AM EDT
To: Joanna McLeod

“Peter and Kate M were discussing my journal tonight at the bar, cos they’re both sometimes readers. ”

Sometimes readers? I’m so desparate for human connection these days that I actually got on the net tonight *just* to see if you’d added anything new to your journal.

Heh. It’s always nice when there are people sadder than me. I still haven’t fixed my desk chair. I’ve stolen a dining room chair instead. Oh, remind me to ring Dr. White tomorrow and reassure her that I’m still alive. And I must ring Penny and invite her for saturday, and do some more laundry, and write a packing list. My life is very exciting, as you can see. Yaaaaaaaaaaaay I turned in my report on my cd rom today. Brad had lent me his laptop last night so I could work on it in the lurve tent. Damn I wanna laptop now. I felt so New Media. If only it was an ibook. Right, I’m just rambling now. I should stop. Okay.

Oooh I got my first birthday card yesterday, from Karen – it was one of those square cards that I really dig, and it had a picture of a girl on it, and the words “Drama Queen”. Bitch!

I’m really happy cos I finished my cd rom today, and it looks okay. I was dumb and forgot to bundle Quicktime with it, so I might have to go and burn a new copy, but I dunno if I can be assed. Guess what everyone’s getting for Xmas? Yes, that’s right. I already had everyone in the multimedia lab today singing “Stop” as I was digitizing my dancing Brad footage.

Then I came home, and I meant to study, but I had to talk on the phone to people, and then I took the paper back to bed cos it was so cold, and then I was warm so I couldn’t get up, and then I had to talk to Shirley for ages, and then I had to watch TV and then Maree came over.

We watched Return to Treasure Island which was very amusing, and then L.A. Confidential. We decided we’re going to invite Russell Crowe and Guy Pierce over to play. We’re happy to share, but I’m going to take Russell first, cos I feel like having a Man kinda Man. It was a really really good movie, even if we did have to go get Macdonalds in the middle of it. I ate like 8 mikan, but they just weren’t doing anything for me. Whoops, that’s mandarins, sorry.

Oh, oh, last night! Clayton’s girlfriend is absolutely lovely, we were very impressed. I’m sure she somehow let me win when we were playing “Agitation” just to get into the good books. I think she didn’t quite get me and Brad, but then again, no one really does. I remember complaining to Thomas once when he didn’t laugh at a joke of mine going “if BRAD was here, he’d laugh” and Thomas was like “Brad laughs at everything you say anyways” but it’s not just mindless laughter, I swear! We’re just on another level. If everyone else knew how to play Song Association, the whole world could laugh along too.

After dinner and lots and lots of wine, Brad and Kate M went off to his room, and Clay and Kara were going to watch a video, so I made Si come to my room to give the kids some privacy. He played on IRC, and I went to bed, quite tired, and quite drunk. I babbled dumbly for ages, but eventually I managed to shut up, and went straight to sleep after his ride came to get him.

Oh oh oh, I need a flatmate, still, really really badly. If everyone could maybe just email Maree and tell her to stop being Kimmy Gibbler and be Stephanie instead, that might help. (for those of you that don’t watch Full House, basically we all want her to stop being the crazy neighbour, and be an actual part of the family). Of course, this is emotional blackmail, which isn’t nice, so umm, sorry Maree. But you love us really.