1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?

• Got made redundant
• Stayed overnight in hospital
• Lost items of value in a burglary
• Had my first threesome. And my second. And my third.
• Had an intern.
• Replied to someone on an internet dating site and then slept with them.
• Received over two grand’s worth of free stuff for being a blogger (the $1200 freeview box made up a lot of that)
• Went to Roller Derby
• Won a “Best Fan” prize
• Kissed 17 people in one night (hurray for kissing booths!)
• Had someone pay for me to get into a strip club, and also tucking money into strippers’ underwear for the first time
• Willingly (ish) went through a break-up.
• Had someone throwing me a surprise party.
• Worn red lipstick frequently and confidently.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Apparently my resolutions for this year were about taking better care of myself, and although I did continue to sleep with the married man for a bit, we did indeed eventually break it off, so yay me. And then I resolved to never sleep with a married person again, which is a good resolution to have and I have yet to break it again. I also resolved to have breakfast with someone after we’d slept together, and while I thought I’d achieved that when I woke up with a boy for the first time since 2004, we didn’t actually have breakfast, unless you count helping ourselves to one another’s genitals again. Oh oh but actually, I did make wedges for a lady caller that we ate in bed together so I guess that counts.

My new resolution is to articulate myself better when I don’t like something, rather than just dealing with it. As in “please take your hand off my leg” instead of moving chairs, or “Actually I don’t like Hawaiiian Pizza” instead of just avoiding those slices. Etc.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Fucking buttloads of people had babies this year! Specifically Martha and Brenda and my best friend Penny from high school. Still more of my friends are pregnant right now, and it’s all a little bit over the top, if you ask me. I can’t have breakfast with a boy and you all can get married and buy houses and have babies? Unfair!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No, but people very close to people I am very close to did, and all I could do about it was text stupid jokes every day and send care packages of Noel Fielding.

5. What countries did you visit?

Sydney for FullCodePress (thanks to the lovely Tash Mahal) and Vanuatu for fun.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
Breakfast with someone, obviously, since I can now cook eggs. Also, a job. And let’s say a proper public relationship where the person I am with shouts it from the rooftops.

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
The Wellingtonista Awards again because of the work and the memories that I was a bit scared of. December 10 because it was my ten year anniversary of fucking. July 17 for my ten years of Hubris party and because it was when I relaunched this site in WordPress. June 30 for being my last day at the SSC.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Honestly, I had a motherfucking buttload of bad shit happen to me this year, and so the fact that I’m still in good spirits, that I’m happy, sort of healthy and am able to keep going on, and that I’ve ended the year with all my friendships intact and even with new friends is pretty fucking awesome. Go me!

9. What was your biggest failure?

Honestly, I’m shocked that I don’t have another job yet. I know that I am hireable, that I have many skills and talents and the fact that I’m still unemployed is really weird. I’m also disppointed that I’m not as over someone as I’d like to be, but that’s not something you can force and you definitely can’t get over someone by being under as many people as possible. I’ve learnt my lesson on that front quite a few times this year.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Depression as per usual, some nasty flus, withdrawl from zopiclone when I finally came off them, and also hospitalisation after an ingrown hair gave me cellulitis. But apart from that, no!

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My laptop(s) that allow me to download and watch copious amounts of television. Also every present that I’ve bought for others that has allowed me to demonstrate even the smallest fraction of how much I care about them.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My family who have continued to lend me money and buy me things like a new laptop after mine got stolen and I didn’t have insurance, who paid my power bill for me so I wouldn’t get disconnected and who aren’t demanding that I pay them back for our trip to Vanuatu. Also everyone this year who’s bought me a drink or a meal in exchange for my company, especially Tom, who is insanely generous. My friends who’ve helped me out of emotional jams, listened to me bitching and moaning and kept me company through the long dark winter, Smoo whose quiet presence in the house is always welcome, and everyone who gave me orgasms this year and fucked me til my thighs ached.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Management at SSC and everyone else who didn’t hire me, people who think that hitting kids is okay, the cunt who burgled us, and anyone who has treated my friends badly.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Double rents and unemployment.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Roller derby! Kat & Kane’s wedding! Harvestbird & Knedd’s wedding! People having babies!

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?

‘So here we are’ by Bloc Party becasue it played while I was lying in my lover’s arms for what we thought was the last time, and so that he wouldn’t see me crying I buried my face in his neck and we fucked because it fit the narrative structure that way. And also ‘Some time around Midnight’ by the Airbourne Toxic Event, even though or actually because as Good Tom says there’s far too much pathos in it for one song. It’s like the story of my life condensed down into four minutes. Oh and because it was so recent, ‘Halo’ is standing out in my mind right now too.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier, despite all the crap. I am getting better at dealing with everything.
ii. smaller or larger? Larger, by a lot probably.
iii. richer or poorer? Much much poorer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Physical activies and community service. Also, I wish I’d put more work into You Are So Entertaing but I still can!

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Wasting time on Twitter and Spider Solitaire and watching crappy television. Passive-aggressive texting and emailing. I sent some spectacularly nasty drunken emails this year and I am very not proud of them. My defense of being desperate for any kind of reaction is not good enough.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

My parents and Karen came over to my house and were joined by Bad Tom and Shirley and I cooked amazing food and we gorged ourselves and had a thoroughly pleasant time of it.

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
WINZ. Heather and Kat <3.

22. Did you fall in love in 2009?

I didn’t fall, I stayed in.

23. How many one-night stands?

Three? In terms of one-offs, there was a girl, there was Tingle and there was the guy from Internet dating. I did see the girl again though, but only in a friend capacity. In addition, there were multiple occasions with the married man, the duck and the crazy girl. Oh, and I had intended to have a playdate with the boy who’d watched me and the crazy girl in his hotel room, whose kiss made me a little weak at the knees, but despite some textage, the stars didn’t align. Which is probably for the best.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Mad Men, Community, 30 Rock, Dollhouse (!!!!!)

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Nope.

26. What was the best book you read?

Oh god, have I actually done any reading this year? I liked Generation A but not nearly as much as Generation X. I don’t think I can remember any other books, really, which I know is pretty terrible. Don’t tell Karen okay?

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Umm, getting a subscription to Last.FM? And taking all the contents of Emma and Lisa’s hard drives?

28. What did you want and get?

A laptop. To wake up in someone’s arms. Lots and lots of pashes. Amazing collections of friends. An overseas tropical holiday and some weekend jaunts other places. To get on the dole and be left mostly alone (well, I’d rather I didn’t have to, but it was a struggle to get here anyway). The ability to sleep without zopiclone.

29. What did you want and not get?

An invitation to Foo Camp – I worked really hard to prove myself this year hoping to get one and I didn’t. Sad face. Also, a new job, and at the time of writing, a full house. Paying extra rent is killing me. A real relationship. An ONYA nomination.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?

I’m not sure what movies I actually went to this year. There weren’t very many of them, that’s for sure.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

On my actual birthday I got free coffee from Green Land, I went to work, then I went to the Backbencher for someone’s goodbye drinks. I was feeling nauseous so I only drank gin. Then with my family I went to Elements for dinner which was amazing. Prior to that, my amazing sisters threw me a freak show surprise party! It was amaaaaaaaaaaaazing! I turned 29, which means I’m almost 30 now. Crikey!

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Finding a new job shortly after being made redundant with a bit of time for a holiday in between.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

I’ve got really into the Fatshionista community and started posting outfits of the day before my camera got stolen. I’m still trying to be Joan Holloway. I’ve also started wearing red lipstick, thanks to the lovely Megan.

34. What kept you sane?
My amazing counsellor, my family’s love and financial support and my fantastic friends.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Noel Fielding? Jon Stewart still makes me moist. As does ummm oh I don’t know. People? Stuff? Things? Tom Coates and that other guy from Webstock. Matt Bidulp? I can’t remember. Oh! And Victor from Dollhouse.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

Ridiculous bullshit redundancies, strangely enough. Oh yeah, ICT’s totally not going to be a growth area…

37. Who did you miss?

The secret relationship. All my friends who are in other cities, especially Heather and Kat’n Kane. Really angry I missed out on meeting Ghetsum again cos I was too sick. And Good Tom, who shouldn’t have left to go to America, fucker.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Oh my gosh, I met so many awesome people this year, like Kim and Laura and Amie through Twitter, Chiara and Theresa and Julie through Pretty Pretty Pretty and also my new flatmate Thigh Voltage and through her the derby girls. Also, I’d already met Megan before but I feel like we became really good friends this year and that’s always worth celebrating.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:
The people that care about you want to be there for you. You just need to learn to ask for help.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
“I get by with a little help from my friends”.

My period has been fucking with me, resulting in many nights of not sleeping until 5am, and thinking too much about things that are in the past. Consequently, when Megan was over yesterday, I cried a little, and then she made me laugh, so that was good. I’m just so tired of things not going my way, of the endless having to deal with stupid things like bills, and police, and letterboxes, and landlords, and applying for jobs,  and no doubt WINZ soon, and finding a new flatmate (El’s moving to the beach), and just ugh. URGH! I need a PA, like, so bad. And also a salary with which to pay said PA.

I got a text on Monday night from a guy I know asking me to go for a drink with him and his wife because she had a proposition for me. I laughed and laughed and laughed. I’m pretty sure that it will be of the blog promotion variety type proposition, but because my weekend was somewhat interesting, I chose to assume the most sordid scenario. I was hugging my heater, however, and didn’t want to wash my hair, so I didn’t leave the house.

On Saturday though, I left the house for about 15 hours straight. I played Urban Golf. It was tremendous fun!

Fore!

I’m not feeling particularly articulate right now after very long conversations about other people’s lives tonight, so instead I recommend that you read Phil’s description of the day. I like dressing up, and taking back the streets, and chatting to the people we met along the way, and also the meeting new people part of the day, indeed. It was more sober than I expected it to be though.

I fixed the sober part afterwards when I went and met up with that girl and we had drinks at Pollux and The Garden Club which weirds me out because it used to be the Repertory Theatre where I did drama lessons and now it’s a gay club. I suppose they’re practically the same thing though anyways, right? The night ended with me sitting topless in someone’s living room eating Burger Fuel, which is the way most nights should end, right? I think most nights should involve less of other people’s drama though, maybe. But for my last occasion of spending substantial amounts of money, it was pretty good.

Schedule-wise, there’s roller derby coming up (we have tickets to give away on PPP!) and then then the PPP Girlie Party & Clothing Swap, and then I go to Harvestbird’s wedding, and then there’ll be the Halloween toss-up between rasslin’ and derby. Then I may end up going to Auckland for a couple of days with Lisa in November if I am not gainfully employed before she drives up for Pearl Jam. I suspect I will need to hold the wheel steady for her, so great will her excitement be. Oh, and you should suggest nominees for 4TAWA.

Blah. I have been on a big downloaded TV glut lately (thanks The AV Club!) and so I will return to that now if you don’t mind.

See yes, in practice, I’m bisexual, and I know because I do it in secret corners that it’s not just a for-show thing, I like to tell stories, but I do also like to live in the moment. This is why I’m currently in confusion. I like the physicalness of pashing – but I also very much like the emotional satisfaction of someone wanting to pash me, and maybe in my current physical (read: fat. Or maybe super curvy if you wanna be that way) then I am more attractive to girls than I am to men, but like, dude, I’d like to pash a boy. That would be nice.

And there are guys. There was Tingle earlier this year and I destroyed any hope of that with my passive aggressive mental texting – I should have just sat on my hands and hoped that he’d break up with his girlfriend and realised that we had like, so much in common and he was exactly EXACTLY like a boy in my past – how could he not know that and see that and want to be that role in my life? And there are very very brief segue-ways (but I’m not riding around on one because I’m not a douche) and this Saturday at Kowhai’s I met a boy that I thought that I should totally totally be with forever, and I was worried that maybe I’d told him that and maybe that’d been a bit weird for him and though we should totally be together, maybe I’d come on a bit strong, because I was a little bit drunk after Amy’s 30th, but then Karen put my mind at ease by going “oh, the guy you were straddling?” so really, I don’t need to worry about anything I said. But yes, he was really ordinary, and hard to describe, and I don’t know his name, but I totally thought we had the same sense of humour and I liked him.

And see, maybe that’s the point. A couple of weeks ago, I had a Romanian party, and then we went to a “fetish” party – I use the quotes because it was people dressing up like they think fetishes would be, rather than full-on gimp masks – and there was this girl who kept grabbing my boobs, because “i like boobies” and I got to grab hers lots, and while I wanted to pull her out of public view and do more than that, I’m not like “I would like to have a relationship with her”. And maybe it’s I haven’t met the right girl, or maybe I’m homophobic (“if I’m just getting blowjobs, not getting it up the ass, then I’m not gay, right?”) but it’s just like urrrgh, I like boys, and I like cock, and I’d really like to get some please.

And that’s what the title of this post is all about – it’s the work-friendly version of my universal request. If you’re not a boy and/or you don’t want to have sex with me, can you please introduce me to your friends? Invite me to parties, invite me to nights out, even if we’re not that close. I’ll name my kids after you, it’ll be awesome. I’ll be a great wife. And if it’s sunny on Sunday, I’m having an official launch of Sausage Quest 2008. I’m not providing anything officially, but I will totally probably make margaritas, and I have the best terrace ever. Come over any time and bring anyone.

Oh and if that’s not your bag baby, please at least pass on this message: flatmate wanted, lovely big room, Newtown $160

xojo

I am so grown up. I sorted out my magazines yesterday night, along with some other form of grown-up activity. I umm ummm okay, maybe I just shivered under a duvet on the couch. BUt you know, I ate vegetables for dinner, so that’s grown up. I wish I had a camera to post a photo of all my Qs in chronological order, their red spine numbers just above the lilac boxes that they’re in, and then there are my Bitch and Busts in pink boxes, along with the sadly finito Jane, Frankie, and Yen. Then there’s a whole shelf full of Metro and some green boxes full of assorted music magazines and “culture” things. And the Next that I was in and the New Idea with Penny’s wedding in it. You do care what magazines I read, you know, because I am sitting here trying to define myself for you. And also making a note for myself in later years to remember that now is when I have decided to put a lot more effort into being a feminist. As long as you define “effort” as “reading the magazines and making sure that I never shy away from the word”. The back cover of the 10th anniversary of Bitch made me cry at the awesomeness of a reader deciding to spend $3800 on buying it to support the magazine. And then when I spent much of the last weekend in bed reading them and Q I also got all choked up hearing Athlete’s ‘Wires’ for the first time, about the singer’s premature daughter, which tapped in to the many many baby thoughts that I have been having lately. But more about that later, perhaps.

We still haven’t found a flatmate. Quite frankly, I’m fucking loving the quiet around here when there’s so much going on in my life. It’s so good and peaceful. But I really can’t afford to keep paying $254 a week in rent, no sirree. The fact that so many people have come over and not wanted it has got me down a little, like WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME? But not that down.

I went and saw my counsellor today, for the titular spring-cleaning of my head. I’d really wanted to see her a couple of weeks ago, but she was away on holiday, so I thought I’d go now before I start my new job and work miles away and all. I got the most awesome surprise though, when I told her about my new work, because it turns out that not only do they subscribe to EAP too, which means that I can get 3-5 free sessions if I need them but she’s also based at their offices every other Wednesday to do drop-in appointments. That is so fucking rad. I’m hoping I won’t actually need to see her very often, but it’s so great to know how easy it will be for me if I do. We talked about my abandonment issues, and about my sex life, and my Hard Career Decision to take up my new job instead of staying where I am, and how it’s been freaking me out to get so much praise lately, but how it’s helped me to realise that I’m actually quite good and capable. And we talked about what I need to do in order to keep my head in order (more exercise, and how excited am I about the prospect of swimming in the sea again? SO excited), and when I talked about how I feel like I’m being held hostage by my body lately, like it’s deliberately keeping my periods from me, we talked about how right now I think I will adopt children because I can’t imagine going off my meds and how I am scared shitless of postnatal depression, and she told me that there are very specific medical programmes to help people like me with that sort of issue if I change my mind at a later date. And that was nice to hear.

Tomorrow is the last day of my contract. We’re going out for dinner afterwards. I’m going to be incredibly sad to leave. I will have to treat the whole time I had there as a beautiful summer fling that was too good to last. Stupid taking care of my career and seeking out new mental challenges! Then again, my manager and I went through every single piece of paper on my desk today left over from predecessors and filed them all. My biggest filing pile was ‘R’ for ‘Recycle’. If only I could be so ruthless at home.

On Saturday after ZineFest, Miss Lisa is having her birthday party here. You should come along. The man in a bearsuit on her invitations was so good it made me embarrass myself in front of Luke Buda (yes, it was her MS Paint skills, not the wine that emboldened me). I want to write about what I got her for her birthday and what that meant I bought myself, but I will wait. Then next Saturday I’m going to Bar Camp. I don’t know what I’ll talk about yet, if anything. But seeing as how my new boss is speaking, it’s probably a good idea. And then on the 19th I’m going to another conference. I would kill for a sleep in at this stage. Sunday I plan on staying in bed all damn day. You’re all welcome to join me in my lovely black & white linen.

Right now I’m watching Watch This Space and downloading the tracks I like, which is awesome (I will buy albums if they strike me a lot). I just read a review of Fireworks Night that describes them and the Arcade Fire as “baroque-pop”. Brilliant! And yes, I’m totally going to try and use the word ‘Baroque’ in Scrabulous. But it’s time to go back to Lisa’s Outrageous Fortune DVDs and pull the duvet up, because hot damn, it’s cold. See you Saturday, yes?

1. A new job. They announced my resignation at work so I get to wear the leaving beads now. The leaving beads look like Mardi Gras beads but I’m pretty sure I haven’t shown my boobs to anyone here at work in order to earn them. Unless there is actually a camera in the hole in the ceiling in the bathroom. I’m looking for writing/editing/web/communications type work, so lemme know if you hear of anything that’s going.

2. A new flatmate. Bart’s going off to find new adventures on the other side of the tunnel, so if you know of someone who’d like to live in Sunny Hataitai and pay $120 a week for a good room in a great house with Smoo and Seb and I, then please do send them in my direction. The ad is up here if you want to perve at photos of our lounge and dining room.

3. A bach to stay at over New Year’s eve. There will be six or more of us, and we want to be close-ish to Wellington and on a beach. Yes I know we left it kind of late.

4. People to party with at our ‘Meat Market vs Bart’s Goodbye’ party. It’s on Saturday, and it should be fun, and you should come, and you should bring some people we haven’t met before.

Things that I have done lately that have been of some sort of note:

1. Looked for jobs.

2. Looked for flatmates

3. LiveAid for Africa – despite its sparse attendence we raised $100 which was enough to buy two chickens, two AIDs awareness kits, some farmer training and soap for ten families. Go us. You can see some photos of the events in my flickr space, but if you are too lazy to click a link, here’s a photo:

4. The drum & the bass. At a party, and then at Indigo San Frindigo Bathhouse on Saturday night. I had forgotten how much fun it could be. I especially liked the guy who bumped me, and then went to pat my shoulder in apology but grabbed my boob instead and so we had an “it’s okay dude” hug. I was somewhat less fond of my taxi driver who seemed to mistake my slight interest in why he chose NZ instead of Norway as a refugee as interest in him, and decided to ask me out for a drink then and there. At 4am. Really really inappropriate and sleazy, and it made me feel so uncomfortable that I got him to stop a half block from my house.

5. Dinner parties. Food Baby was at my house last week, and so I went with my staple beef burgandy and mashed potatos. Last night I went to a potluck dinner for Lisa Fur‘s birthday, and I made apple crumble. Another one of her friends had made a crumble too, but mine was better. Heh.

6. Had my last boxing lesson. I want to do more, but my trainer’s having a shoulder operation (as if I didn’t already feel bad enough about punching towards a tiny little blonde girl), and I have to control my finances (sort of) until I get a new job, and then my membership is up in November, and while I will be continuing to go to the gym, my new job location might dictate somewhat the gym that I join. So it is all to be confirmed later.

7. Obsessed over Rockstar: Supernova. I don’t know what I’m going to do after Thursday when it’s all over.

For a nice guy who told me that he hadn’t had sex outside a relationship before, he still managed to fuck me in half a dozen positions, transitioning seamlessly between them.

Yeah! This is going to be fun. Plus this way I get to pretend that I’m still hot and desirable instead of sitting around wearing old jeans in desperate need of a decent haircut and some proper shampoo.

So, Jo’s life as of November 25th. Well. Still searching for the perfect job. Still not sure how she’s going to pay the bills. Still questioning the meaning of life. Making sure she takes her pills regularly every morning and never lets doctor&pharmacys fuck her around again so she ends up going ten days without them.

Other than that, what ho? Hmmmm. Sebastian went AWOL for eight days, causing me no end of worry. I pashed a hot boy who looked like he was from The Strokes, but he was British, and British boys NEVER come home with me. I don’t know what’s up with them. What’s up with you Brits eh? Are you all prudes? (Actually he had a girlfriend. Whoops). I need two flatmates. I moved my bedroom furniture around. I may move the lounge furniture around although now that La’s gone I no longer have a willing helper monkey. And that’s it. That’s all that’s happened to me in the past shit, nearly two months. Fuck.

So it doesn’t matter that he seems like he is a sexual deviant. It doesn’t matter that he rejoices in my hairy legs that he takes the time to rub his cock up and down. It doesn’t matter when he licks my armpits, or tries to fuck me in the morning when he’s still wearing the same condom. He is no one. He is nothing. It doesn’t matter.

I don’t have new things going on in my life which is kind of a problem given that I need constant stimulation to keep me going. I feel very out of the loop now that I no longer receive free movie tickets and cds. I haven’t left the house in ummmm two weeks to go anywhere but the shops. No work and no play makes Jo a dull girl. No work and no play makes Jo a dull girl. No work and no play makes Jo a dull girl. You get the general idea. So right now I’m trying to correct that, in the sense of downloading free mp3s from NZm to see if I can find a great new NZ band I can love and hopefully I’m going to a show tomorrow night. Must. get. out. of. the. house. Of course, all donations of mix cds, tapes, old books and magazines will be most gratefully accepted.

I also should be creating more than I am. Maybe I oughta do my portfolio site. In fact, there’s absolutely no maybe about that at all. A few more job applications wouldn’t go astray either. I’m bloody sick of rejection letters though. If only the dole paid about $50 a week more – or my flatmates were able to cough up for their bills instantly – life would be so much sweeter. I could go out! I could do things! Oh yeah, did I mention that my car is totally dead? That kinda sucks some ass too.

What I need I think is a makeover. Maybe the Fab Five could come over and laugh at my clothes (“you have HOW MANY bonds tshirts? and they’re all tight on your nipples like that?” “What are these shoes? Silver plastic? Are you from the Jetsons?” “Christmas lights? Tack city! And what’s with all the saris?”) and change my life. Already half the time I think I have Joss Whedon doing commentary over my life (“And in this scene, Jo’s watching TV. Again. The empty dishes piled at her feet adn the newspaper opened to the ‘Situations Vacant’ are there to really drive home the loneliness she’s feeling, while soon the demons she’s battling will come back cos we’ve cut off her cipramil”). I think maybe instead I need less TV in my life. But Heather Havrilesky is the best thing about Salon, and if I never watched TV again, how would I know what she was talking about?

His hands are on my head, pushing back my head to secure his view and to make sure I don’t move my mouth away. I can taste his tang and it’s all I want for now, all that I could ever want, but there’s a knocking at the door, and he says that it’s her.

Oh yeah, crack out the porn, Jo. I do think that I’d probably have a good career in Erotica writing. I just need to get me a laptop so I can be more savvy about it. How exactly does one become an Erotica Writer? Or rather, a Writer of Erotica Who Makes a Living out of it? Perhaps even An Erotica Writer With A Shiny Laptop AND an Aeron Chair? An Erotica Writer with a Shiny Laptop and an Aeron Chair Who Can Afford to go see Her Hairdresser Again And Fill Said Hairdresser With Accumulated Scandals and Gossip, And Who Can Also Find Another Pair of $30 Jeans from Farmers That Fit All Lovely Except That Now They Have Big Thigh Holes And Are Thus Rendered Useless. Yeah, that’d be sweet.

PS: my hubris mail went down for a couple’o days, so if you emailed me and didn’t get a reply, try again. Cheers.

I had a job interview today (yes, another one), for an NGO. I think they liked me. I also think that maybe i’m not qualified enough. Well, I can do pretty much everything they want, EXCEPT, and this is a big except, budgeting. Bleh. However, I do have another job interview on Monday, and I think I am ideally qualified for that job, so we’ll see.

I boxed some stuff up today, and also met a potential flatmate, and I think we clicked really well, so hopefully when he sees the inside’o the place, he’ll still want it. I hate looking for flatmates.

Kalpana rang me today to see if I wanted to make another appointment before Xmas (sheesh, psychologist stalker styles) and so I capitulated, and made one for next friday morning. Actually, it’s not a question of capitulating at all – I really fucking need to talk to someone right now. And at least if I’m paying her, then she’ll have time for me. (And if you think that’s a dig at you, you’re probably right. You know, Anji hasn’t returned my calls in nearly 3 months? When she did call, she was so drunk all she could do was talk about how she was in love – she has no idea what’s going on in my life. And don’t get me started on everyone else. Yes, I know you’re all busy. You also know I’m incredibly self absorbed and IT’S ALL ABOUT ME, goddamit).

Stupid bloody notes from stupid bloody landladies. Let me get some sleep you vile creature.

PLEASE LET ME GET SOME MOTHERFUCKING SLEEP, CONSTRUCTION!

I hate boxing things up and packing and cleaning.

There’s restructuring and turmoil at work, and people’s personalities are really starting to fray.

I just wish I could have my old flatmates back – maybe ummm say Brad and Simon to balance out numbers for me and Bo rather than having to answer stupid people’s stupid questions. How many fucking times do I have to tell you that no, you can’t see the place until the 15th? Grr. Oh yeah, you do want to move in with me, by the way. Email me.

I emailed Shirley today, for like the first time in about three months, so I had to recap all the shit that I’ve been going through, and that’s never fun. On a similar vein, I’ve been keeping a list of things that I want to talk to Kalpana about, next time I can afford to go see her, and I’ve included on that list something that really, I very much would rather not talk about, but i guess if it still affects me then maybe actually I should. Ick. Maybe I will book my next appointment in for the afternoon after our staff Xmas Party so I can at least be drunk and it’ll be a little easier. Except then I’ll just end up bawling and I haven’t done that yet. She only has one box of tissues in her office. It’s way too sterile.

I had a job interview today and I think I impressed them a lot. I’m afraid the job environment could be very Foodstuffesque though, so I will be forced to think very very very long and hard about what my priorities are if they offer it to me (pay rent or feel like I’m going somewhere? pay rent or feel like I’m going somewhere?)

Tomorrow Ammy and I will be interviewing prospective flatmates HERE, rather than at the actual house. Personally, I think the most important thing is that the people are cool and we can get along, and if they don’t feel that way well then that tells you somehting.

Tonight I had emmediate and watched “Not One Less” instead of drinking vodka. It was a good movie. I have leftovers.

2. I have also read Harry Potter 2 and 3, and they’re okay, but they seriously don’t stand up to C.S Lewis, although the whole kiddie-Internet-Porn aspect of the Chamber of Secrets was amusing (oh come on, young girls SHOULD NOT be writing in diaries to random strangers!)

3. There’s an ad for our flat up on the channel z website, clearly stating the cost’o the rooms, and that there’s OSP. I got this email about it: “Hi Joanna Just seen your advert on the channelz site for a flatmate. Im 23 yr old prof male. Is there off street parking? How much are you charging for the room? Im a great guy to have around on those mornings when your car wont start! Cheers” On second reading, I realised that his email address is wrx_channelz@* . I’m not very enthusiastic about the idea of him moving in, eh.

4. We had our last ever Party At The Slab. Much sangria was consumed. It was fun.

6. The Departure Lounge has put in booths now, yay. However, they’re now serving Allpress instead’o Gravity. Semi-boo – it’s still nice though.

7. I would like back the three hours of my life that I just gave to Pearl Harbor tonight please.

8. Clay and Bo have both started boxing stuff up. WAAAH!

9. I very very much need to find some flatmates ASAP. Gorgeous house in Balmoral, and all that good stuff. Tell your friends. Email me. Thank you.

10. I got rather drunk at the Admin lunch on Friday. Office ladies oggling waiters – scary.

11. If you’re planning on sending me Xmas pressies (or my late birthday present even) you should email me for my new address, or send them to my parents’ house, cos I am moving out in ONE WEEK’S TIME.

12. I dropped my cellphone in a glass of water. D’oh. If anyone has an old vodaphone they wanna lend me til after Xmas, I will kiss your feet. I miss txts, especially Tom, like crazy.

13. I can’t even afford Therapy anymore. Ick.

Wednesday 21/6/00 , 2000

Again, Anji had to work early, so I stayed in bed. Either today or tomorrow, I had really crazy odd dreams. In the first one, I was like the receptionist at a brothel operating out of a school. In the second, I had me a big bag’o heroin that basically looked like kava powder, all brown like. I remember Anji was telling me not to touch it, yet I was snorting it off my little finger. Being on heroin was really dreamy. I was dumb though, and drove my car home, absolutely fucked up. But yeah, it was just a dream.

Another cruisy morning around the house by myself. I just wish that my bed was more comfortable! Around 3, I got my shit together, and headed off to Brunswick Street. I wal,ked leisurely down it, aking time to go into lots and lots of shops on the left hand side of the road. I had another brilliant coffee at Atomica, and another brilliant sandwich. They were playing Che Fu – Anji says it’s owned by New Zealanders. They sell a coffee blend called ‘Aoteraroa’ which is apparently Coffee Supreme – the same stuff they use at Olive.

I went back to the cyber cafe also, to find a nice long email from Maree. Apparently Kate Benton has moved in. Yay! That was very very exciting news. I find it amusing especially that it took Maree to tell me. I sms’d her to tell her I was emailing her, and lo and behold, she wrote me back straight away. She’d been watching Full House. Heh!

Eventually I met up with Anji at Joe’s, and had a drink. Then she and I went to meet her friend Leila and this other chick at a pub called the Punter. I got a trifle bored, cos they talked nonstop about work. Eventually we left and Anji and I went to a restaurant called Retro for dinner. It was really cool – old formica tables, mismatched chairs and tea towels as serviettes. I had linguine with tomato, bacon, basil and parmesan, which was yummy – not quite the creamy pasta I was craving, but close enough. Anji had a thai beef salad and we shared a bottle of red (for a change) We got cake takeout from Joe’s on the way back home.

We rented and watched Plunkett and Macleane about highway men with Johnny Lee Miller (yum!) and Robert Carlyle. It was dumb, but entertaining. I want an 18th centuary breast-squishy dress! Then we watched Angel whilst smoking the ever present pot. My clothes reek of smoke. Must wash them before I hit customs.

June 2000 – Thursday 22nd

Okay, going back in time now (it’s actually Saturday). That’s okay though, cos I am actualyl pretty smart and I think I can follow my own diary. Hopefully anyways!

So yes, Thursday. It was raining and all horridible and grey, so I didn’t really want to leave the house. I played psx for a while, but couldn’t find Tekken, unfortunately. When I did eventually leave he house, it was with my hood up. I debated abut buying a tshirt with a picture of japanese girls taking photos on it, but i restrained myself.

Anji was watching people playing cards when I got to Joe’s. Her and Guy are no longer friends anymore, unfortunately. Appparently he wanted her, but when he got over that he was also over the friendship. Ahh life’s a beetch, isn’t it? Yes indeedy.

Anyways, I was really sick, and getting steadily sicker, a cold degenerating down into a cough. Still, we walked to Lygon Street to meet up with her friends – Boring Mark from Wellington, and Helen Preston from oldskool days. And maaaaaaaaan, were they boring! I mean, they’re very nice people, but so so boring! We went to dinner at some Italian restaurant that looked nice, but the food was very mediocre. I had fettucine with bacon, mushrooms, cream and pesto. It should have been hotter. The waiter kept filling up our wine glasses, which I don’t like because we’re all perfectly capable of doing that, and it sucks to be rushed. What was even worse was the speed with which they cleared our plates. Not impressed! Fuck I’m such a hospo snob!

After dinner we went to a bakery for coffee, lured in by all the goodies in the window. I had a florentine but it was too thick, and not buttery and cherryily like it should have been. Ahh well. Then we wnet to some comedy club by the Nova movie theatre. It was about 150% of the size of the Classic, and painted black. The tables were pushed together so it reminded me of Soup Plus. I went and threw up cos I felt sick, and was really disturbed by seen bits of blue plastic in the toilet bowl, until I figured they must have been from day/night capsuales.

The comedy was okay – the sets were too long though. We left after the MC and one act. I was sooo tired, you see. Taxi’d home. If I ever find a meellion dollars, I owe it ot the cab driver. Okay then! In bed, I read for ages Love in the time of Cholera. It’s amazing!

Friday June 23rd 2000

It’s been two weeks. I must say those two weeks have gone by amazingly fast. I hope the rest of the time from here to that elusive “Long Term” that i’m better off in goes by as quickly.

Anji didn’t start work until 12, so we’d discussed going shopping to get a pressie for Niel, but I was too tired, and feeling a little too sickly. But later I got off up and set off (got off indeed, Gary Glitter!) for Brunswick Street – for the last time.

For my first stop, I went to a shop called Fun that sells jewellary and accessories. I bought a pewter coloured lurex scarf that’s so cool it can stretch out to shawl size as well. I also bought some body glitter. I wanted to get Anji some flowers, and also something candle-y. So, i looked in lots of shops. I went back to Net Central, but had no new emails. Then I decided it was time for some food, but i had no idea where to eat. I investigated a couple of cafes, but nothing really appealed. Then I went into a place called The Fitz thinking it had counter food, but they didn’t. However, I felt kinda intimidated, so i stayed for coffee and a muffin. They served the muffin on a full sized dinner plate, dusted with icing sugar and a flower out of raspberry coulis, which seemed a little over the top. It was too hot, and I burnt my fingers on melted marshmallow. Other than that though, it was nice!

I finally managed to find Anji a little paper lantern candleholder, and I bought her a candle to go in it as well. The woman in the African store I went into was like “wow, yo’ve got so much hair” – and I didn’t know how to reply to that! Everyone kept trying to sell me poetr or their new novel and stuff – I just smiled and shook my head. I was in a brilliant mood! I stopped at this funky flower shop to combind electric-purple little flowers with orange daisy thingies – it was an unusual combination but I think it worked well! Then I went back home and had a lovely bath, languidly shaving my legs and stuff like that. Then I lay in bed for a couple o hours, reading the fabulous book and doing my nails. Just before six, Ange walked past the door and was like “oh, I didn’t know you were home – I’ll cut your hair now if you like”. Which, of course, I liked. So I wet my hair and went down to the kitchen. While Ange cut my hair, her and Rachael and this guy Richard were talking about the flat they’re going to move into probably – in a building called “The Max” (I must remember to tell Brad!). Richard was going to call his mother to do a tarot reading on the vibes of the place. They were also talking about how Ange gets energies off the poeple whose hair she is cutting, so she uses protection balms and washes her hands and the energies way after each person. Luckily I had my hair over my face so I didn’t have to smirk too much!

Later we drank red wine while waiting for everyone else to show up. Richard was playing the Coldcut cd, so I asked if he had gone to the gig and we had a good chat about free tickets and and rock bands and yadda yadda. Eventually Timmy surfaced and Anji came home with Lee, so we were just waiting for Mikey. He came home with a prompting phone call, in a car with two other chicks, so Rachael and Richard went with him, and the rest of us piled into Lee’s car. I am so stoked with my hair. It’s about 3 inches shorter, and just has so much more shape now. Which is good!

Mihn Mihn’s looked really full, but they found space for us upstairs – lucky cos there were 10 of us. It took aaaaaages for everyone to order – Anji and I got sweet&sour fish, and duck with plum sauce. Dishes all arrived at seperate times, which meant we all had to drink a lot to fill in time. I tried one of Racheal’s scallops, and it was really nice. Everything tasted so good, apart from Timmy’s cold rice paper rolls. If they’d been hot, it would have been scrumptious. The fish was exquisite. Unfortunately, the duck came last, by which time we were almost too ful. But of course, I managed to cram some in. Mmmmmmmm! The bill came to $13 each – so good!

Back home we went to open the last bottle of red, and smoke pot, as per usual. I went upstairs and promptly threw up. A lot. It’s a mark of how good the food was that it tasted almost as good going out as it did in! By that stage, I was quite quite drunk, and turning melencholy, almost crying in the darkness. I associate the taste of vomit very strongly with someone. More than anything, I wanted to make a call, but I knew it was past 2am in NZ, and that no one would answer the phone. I even wanted to leave a voicemail message, but somehow I restrained myself. It helped how drunk and cute Racheal and Ange were. They took lots of photos of us, in between kickboxing and telling stories that went nowhere. Eventually, Anji and I were both really tired, so we went upstairs and I finished “Love in the Time of Cholera” – awww such a sweet good book! Love CAN last 70 years!

Why is it that whenever I’m brokest I go shopping? Maree and I went to St. Lukes today (I rang her – she was like “I was just about to call you, only I thought ‘no, must not call joanna, must study, must not call joanna’ “) so that we could find birthday presents for Shirley, but instead I found myself buying a pressie for Kini, because when I saw it I knew she had to have it, and I love her lots and stuff. And Maree convinced me I needed more foundation, and I DID need saline solution, and a budget hoodie, so I was well served. Except of course, for not getting Shirley a pressie. I will have to look again tomorrow. Oh, we also cut Maree a key, so now Kimmy Gibbler can come over whenever she wants. And she can house-sit for us.

Our ad in the Herald rang today, but only one guy rang about the flat, and he seemed put off by the fact that there’d be four of us in the house. Go figure. He sounded boring anyway. We still have ads up at uni and AUT, and will have a couple in the trade and exchange coming out on Monday, but it just seems like a lost cause really. I’m stressed, yes, but Brad is calm, and it’s him that’s going to be left here alone whilst Clay and I trot off on our holidays. Although of course, Maree will be around. She’s driving me mad lately calling me “cutie cutie cutie”. Apparently she thinks the number of guys that I have slept with is extremely cute. I’m not sure I agree with her, but I guess the fact that I’ve uncontrollably started sucking my thumb doesn’t help much either. Brad keeps on laughing at me for that too. And if Clayton was ever home, he probably would as well. Man, I’ve become such a target for ridicule! It’s just not fair!!!!!

Three more sleeps to go! I am very very excited, as you can imagine I would be. Our house is such a pigstye right now – I dont’ know whether I should clean it before I go or not. Brad reckons this is our equilibrium, half way between the mess of Simon, and the clean of Thomas. Gosh, I quote an awful lot of other people, don’t I? Oh yeah, I wanted to quote this too:

From: “Peter Mahoney”
Date: June 14, 2000 7:37:20 AM EDT
To: Joanna McLeod

“Peter and Kate M were discussing my journal tonight at the bar, cos they’re both sometimes readers. ”

Sometimes readers? I’m so desparate for human connection these days that I actually got on the net tonight *just* to see if you’d added anything new to your journal.

Heh. It’s always nice when there are people sadder than me. I still haven’t fixed my desk chair. I’ve stolen a dining room chair instead. Oh, remind me to ring Dr. White tomorrow and reassure her that I’m still alive. And I must ring Penny and invite her for saturday, and do some more laundry, and write a packing list. My life is very exciting, as you can see. Yaaaaaaaaaaaay I turned in my report on my cd rom today. Brad had lent me his laptop last night so I could work on it in the lurve tent. Damn I wanna laptop now. I felt so New Media. If only it was an ibook. Right, I’m just rambling now. I should stop. Okay.

Oooh I got my first birthday card yesterday, from Karen – it was one of those square cards that I really dig, and it had a picture of a girl on it, and the words “Drama Queen”. Bitch!

I’m really happy cos I finished my cd rom today, and it looks okay. I was dumb and forgot to bundle Quicktime with it, so I might have to go and burn a new copy, but I dunno if I can be assed. Guess what everyone’s getting for Xmas? Yes, that’s right. I already had everyone in the multimedia lab today singing “Stop” as I was digitizing my dancing Brad footage.

Then I came home, and I meant to study, but I had to talk on the phone to people, and then I took the paper back to bed cos it was so cold, and then I was warm so I couldn’t get up, and then I had to talk to Shirley for ages, and then I had to watch TV and then Maree came over.

We watched Return to Treasure Island which was very amusing, and then L.A. Confidential. We decided we’re going to invite Russell Crowe and Guy Pierce over to play. We’re happy to share, but I’m going to take Russell first, cos I feel like having a Man kinda Man. It was a really really good movie, even if we did have to go get Macdonalds in the middle of it. I ate like 8 mikan, but they just weren’t doing anything for me. Whoops, that’s mandarins, sorry.

Oh, oh, last night! Clayton’s girlfriend is absolutely lovely, we were very impressed. I’m sure she somehow let me win when we were playing “Agitation” just to get into the good books. I think she didn’t quite get me and Brad, but then again, no one really does. I remember complaining to Thomas once when he didn’t laugh at a joke of mine going “if BRAD was here, he’d laugh” and Thomas was like “Brad laughs at everything you say anyways” but it’s not just mindless laughter, I swear! We’re just on another level. If everyone else knew how to play Song Association, the whole world could laugh along too.

After dinner and lots and lots of wine, Brad and Kate M went off to his room, and Clay and Kara were going to watch a video, so I made Si come to my room to give the kids some privacy. He played on IRC, and I went to bed, quite tired, and quite drunk. I babbled dumbly for ages, but eventually I managed to shut up, and went straight to sleep after his ride came to get him.

Oh oh oh, I need a flatmate, still, really really badly. If everyone could maybe just email Maree and tell her to stop being Kimmy Gibbler and be Stephanie instead, that might help. (for those of you that don’t watch Full House, basically we all want her to stop being the crazy neighbour, and be an actual part of the family). Of course, this is emotional blackmail, which isn’t nice, so umm, sorry Maree. But you love us really.

This morning I was woken up by hearing Brad walking into the lounge and bursting into laughter, and I thought “oh yes, that’s right, he’s amused that my friend is sleeping there” and then I tried to get back to sleep in the hopes that he wouldn’t be there when I got up. But that didn’t work, so I drove him home in my pajamas. And then came home and Brad laughed at me some more. Meanie.

Dig my funky hair styles. Yes, I decided instead of going bright red, I’d get a cut and perm:

<!– Oh, by the way, I am officially not pregnant. I am relieved –>

Cool huh? I thought so. I know it’s a little radical, but hey.

Clayton is bringing his GIRLFRIEND over for dinner tonight, so she can meet his ‘parents’. Brad and I have been cackling wickedly and planning mischief which we won’t follow through on. I’d better go do the dishes and vacuum now. I’d hate to make a bad impression! Except of course, Si showed up today and is also coming for dinner, which is a bad impression right there. Heh.

Oh we need a new flatmate like super urgently last week. So, if you or anyone you know is looking for a flat in Auckland, please do email me. Ta!

Brad Clay and I hung out together tonight and wrote a list of what we’re looking for in our new flatmate. Here’s the list, copied out exactly from the Bible:

• Sky TV (digital)
• Cook us breakfast in the weekend
• they must have a ‘role’ ie: bring home videos etc
• with own wok and cooking skills
• not be an Internet nerd (but internet gf/bf is okay if we get Randell)
• MUST like pop music, dancing, Dawson’s Creek
• able to clean up after themselves but not be like Bob Saget
• must not be Bob Saget
• we shouldn’t want to shag them, because as we all know you must never ever screw the crew Joanna, but they should have cute friends
• have a cellphone (not really)
• have a party trick, a certain “gene se qua, what the french call…..”
• must have a job benificial to the flat (ie bakery products!)
• would help if they were Robbie Williams (but not essential)
• NOT a 1st year preferably, our age
• have flatted before, must be able to tell us why they left their last flat
• have a waffle iron
• must think someone wearing an animal suit is funny
• fix-it type
• does not steal street signs
• two dining chairs
• not a star-fucker
• “media savvy”
• who will hang out with us (but not clingy)
• puff the magic dragon what?
• go on a flat mission
• survive a month without us
• be an initiator

My daddy came to see me tonihgt cos he’s in Auckland escorting around a bunch of Taiwanese, who NZ trades with but won’t recognize as a seperate nation. Go figure. Anyways, I served him tea and cake, and felt ever so grown up.

I was woken up by the sound of my cellphone ringing in the lounge, where I’d left it. That pissed me off, cos I expected it to be someone ringing about the flat advertised at AIT (which is obviously filled) but instead I was pleasently suprised to have a message from Shirley, telling me to ring her back cos we were going to Piha. I love it when people take charge of my life. So I made Simon get offline, rang her, and went and put on some clothes. We went back to her house to ring other people, but no one was able to come and play. However, she did feed me a donut and a rocky road bar (breakfast of champions) so that was okay.

Piha is miiiiiiiles out, like beyond the west of the west. It was such a nice drive, although I got a little stressed over following distances and sudden breakings, just cos I’m so anal when I’m not in the drivers seat. The beach itself was astonishingly gorgeous and wild – not too many people were there which was choice. The bad thing about it was it was miles out to the water, and the sand was so hot. I have a huge burn blister on my foot now from the heat of it. I don’t think I’ve ever been in quite so much pain before. Well, no doubt I have, but it hurt like a motherfucker anyways.

The surf was really strong and so much fun to play in – it would like knock me to my feet then push me up again and just generally throw me around. I like being abused like that. Of course, the annoying thing about beaches is the salt and the sand, but oh well. After we’d had enough of being playing in the sea, we went and sat on the beach, and Shirley laughed at me while I built a sand -umm- sculpture. She took photos of it on my camera in between fits of mocking. And I wrote out my URL in the sand, and that looked so pretty that I took a photo of it too. Once my film gets developed, I’ll show you.

So then we came home, and I realised the full extent of the damage done to my foot. Ouch Ouch Ouch. I could hardly walk on it for a while. It’s okay now cos I’m wearing white cotton socks. They solve like ALL foot problems I do believe. White Cotton Panties, on the other hand, cause Japanese School-Girl Porn problems. That was off the point, but I do enjoy the word ‘Panties’.

Simon announced at 8.30pm today that he was going home to Wellington, and he left five minutes later. Great. Terrific. I LOVE staying alone in empty houses that still spook me a bit. And it’s going to be tremendous fun spending three days with Layton, who I have no great expectations of companionship from. Mmmmmmm anyways.

Y’all know how I want to be Heather, right? Well, here’s MY rip-off of her newest site content. People, meet my desktop. Desktop, meet people.

See, even TORI does funny things with scanners too.