Hubris.co.nz

Last night in a bid to stop being so reliant on zopiclone, I only took one and a half pills instead of the two a day I have been taking for the past seven months or so. Needless to say, I was still awake after 2.30am. I managed to drift off into a vivid nightmare, when suddenly I woke up sweating. I reached out for Sebastian, who was still curled up near me, after I had switched my head around to the other end of the bed in order to be closer to him, and I saw a flash of light in my room. What the fuck was that? Was that? No! It couldn’t be. And then there was the massive BOOOM! and I knew we were in for a big thunder storm.

Here’s the thing: like many people, I enjoy a good thunderstorm by day, when the sky goes a funny colour, and you can watch it, and there’s lots of people around you to make witty banter with. By myself, alone in my bed, I am terrified of them. This absolutely is because I am terrified that I am going to die alone. I remember in 1998 when I was living in that horrible house in Mount Roskill and I was so lonely and depressed and hadn’t been sleeping that one night when I was woken up by helicopters circling overhead I actually cried out “not like this! don’t let me die here!”.

So yes, lighting creeping into the room, and thunder. Sebastian was pretty chilled out about it, even though my hands that he wrapped himself around were clammy. My heart was pounding, body locking into adrenaline mode. I wanted my mum! I wanted a lover! I wanted a sympathetic flatmate, just someone who I could go running to. But as it happened, when it started hailing, I couldn’t even get out from under the covers to go and shut the window. I did feel a little bit better though that the hail pinging against the blinds freaked Sebby out and I had to calm him down. After that, when I finally managed to get to sleep around 8am, I had nightmares about orgies that would have been okay were it not for the presence of Santa costumes, me eating out a woman I have no interest in, and also being caught banging the man that I’m not banging anymore, and all the assorted guilty conscience crap that goes along with that, and which was hammered home across the day some more once I was awake again. Not happy at all.

But it was nice to be able to have lunch with my mother because I’m working at home today on my Govis presentation (sure I slept in, but it’s after midnight and I’m googling Florence Nightingale – don’t worry, it’ll all make sense on the day) and the delightful Miss Supervery came over to bring me nougat and to let me dress her up like a paper doll. Hurray! And there’s numerous excitements coming up what with the Full Code Press volunteering thing, then the Webstock third birthday party and some cupcaking, and just yes, things will be better than they were this morning. Oh yes they will be.

The Pretty Pretty Pretty party was awesome. I do need to figure out a better way to manage clothing swaps in the future though so that everyone has a fair chance to get good things. I met some lovely lovely girls though as the house was crowded with new people. Shout outs to my homies!

The day we got our official letters at work about how we’re losing our jobs, we were given a speech that tried to compare it to Napolean’s retreat from Moscow, like that was a good thing, because hey, 22,000 people survived that. 380,000 people died, but…

I dropped a frying pan on my toe before. It’s really sore. I’m hiding out in bed, consequently.

Kat & Kane are coming down next week, hurrah! Heather came down the other weekend and it was fabulous.

It keeps me a little bit entertained watching my automatic knee-jerk reactions in which I actively seek out validation from a number of sources if I’m feeling let down or neglected by one. There has been a lot of feeling like I don’t get any attention lately. That’s a consequence of no longer sleeping with someone of course, but it’s taking a long time to get over. Mostly I miss the friendship though.

I tried out for Full Code Press but didn’t make the team. I was a sad panda but the divine Tash suggested that I come along as a volunteer instead, so I’m going to Sydney on May 11-14.

I had other things to say, but I can’t remember what they were. I say a lot of things on Twitter these days. I also don’t say a lot of things. Oh you know what I mean.

My dreams are still far too vivid and encapturing. I feel like I’m smoking opium or something, or at least what I imagine it might be like.

I’m trying to do a good deed a day but in typing that out I realise that I haven’t done any good deeds today.

And finally, after years of looking, I bought some new sunglasses yesterday. This means my old ones which I bought on May 1, 1999, can be retired after almost ten years of hard work. I don’t want to say goodbye, but they’re so scratched and beaten up that it really is time. So here, let me present a digital tribute of my old sunglasses all around the world from as long as I’ve had a flickr account:

In Fiji in 2005

At Hyperion Wines in Matakana when we went up for the BDO in 2008

In Samoa in 2008

Reflected in Canberra in 2008

Outside the Tiki Shack in 2008

And I spent aaaaaaaages looking for older photos, but couldn’t find any of my sunglasses, but I did reupload all these terrible quality images from my old journal for your pleasure.