Hubris.co.nz

Thursday 18; February, 1999

I almost got a venereal disease today. Trudie came over to print out her CV but when we went to open up the file, my cunning virus programmy thingie told me that her file was infected with SHOWOFF. So yeah, we had to clean that off, and she had to go home and retype all her stuff before bringing it back. Poor sweetie. All that before a job interview.

So okay, it’s not a venereal disease, but hey – it was still an adventure, right? And it was about the most exciting thing to happen to me all day, too. I took my CV in to the new motel around the corner – hey – they MIGHT need someone to do admin stuff – you never know! Or failing that I could clean. I also dropped into Sandeli to say Hi to Tamati, and give him his invite. He’ll forget about it, so I’ll ring him on the 6th. He didn’t show up to my Goodbye party when I left Welly last year, so I rang him up the next day and left a message going “HAVE A NICE LIFE!!!!” – hey – I’d had a reaaaaally bad night. Anyways, back in 1999.

Gail came by in the evening to pick up Clayton, and she made me laugh with her idea for a ‘follow the phonecord’ party game, which I guess you kinda had to be there for. The lurker’s been lurking all day long, man. Like I CARE about the old microwave in the hall, or the old boxes and shit. Jesus Wept. I wonder when I can get him to move out. God, I am SO the uber-bitch, aren’t I? Jo’s flatmate was throwing out food that had grown a personality from being in the fridge too long – I was wondering if Leyton would grow one if we locked him in the fridge too.

I went to bed before 1am, last night, but I didn’t manage to get to sleep until like 4am, and it’s even hotter today. Shite. However, I’m fully exhausted, so even though it’s before 12am now, I might go to bed.

xoxoxoxox

Goddam my journal is boring these days. I think I need people to spice up my life for me. Yup, it’s form time again:

Name:

Email:

What you could do to spice up my life:

And also couldya please please please sign my guestbook, especially if you’re like a bit of a fan but you’ve never let me know? Thanks, I appreciate it more than meat appreciates salt (LEARN YOUR FAERIE TALES IF YOU DON’T GET THAT!!!!).

Friday 29; January, 1999
I figured it was time I tried to make this page look a tiny bit more classy, so here we are. Typing inside a frame because it’s easier that way. Is that okay? Ooooh, I’m liking the slight change in colour-scheme. I hope you’re liking it too. After all, without you, I’m nothing.

The orange goes so well with the purple, and it’s my little tribute to Jo, too. I miss her stacks. The summer of 97/98 I spent mostly with Amy – when I wasn’t with Matt – but this summer I spent most of my time with Jo, so I’m just used to being able to drive over to Miramar, pick her up and go to the beach or town or whatever. Of course now though, I’m in Auckland, and she’s in Christchurch, hopefully doing okay. Xoxoxoxo to you when you read this, hon.

Gosh, I’m being so damn cliquey in this entry today, huh? I know through one of my many counters (yes, I’m obsessed) where people are finding this site from. Most of the people who read my journal have it bookmarked. Others come to Ego Much? from Holloway, Green Oatmeal and also another site where I have some writing posted. (Oh, is there a missing link there? What, AGAIN? Man, I must be forgetful). Talking about Green Oatmeal, I really do suggest that you go and look at it. I was so thrilled when I went back today and discovered that Beth has a JOURNAL up now. She’s so funny, I love her site to bits.

Oh yeah, and speaking of worship (yes, I know this entry is turning just completly self indulgent and internet-people obsessed) Holloway Matthew had some really really interesting things to say about reading other people’s pages which I’d quote, except it’s like too long, so go here and read it for yourself. He gets brownie points for listing me as a ‘really great person’. Wahoo.

I watched Havoc tonight, which probably explains why I’m being so stuck up and self-indulgent. It was their big-day-out special and all the Hole footage made me go “awwwwwwww” and want to be back there. It was a truely truely mind blowing experiance. I love Courtney Love, so I thought all her banter was great, but I guess I can see how people who didn’t like her would hate it. Maybe that’s what my page is like – to a great lesser extent. I mean, I know there are people who enjoy reading it, because they like me. I also know there are people who don’t enjoy reading it, because they don’t like me. Quick question then – WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU HERE? Everyone can ask themselves that, not just the people who dislike me.

Other things that are noteworthy – ummm there’s more stuff on the Written page in case I didn’t already mention that. It’s all old stuff, but now it’s actually linked to. Also I updated my Leaving page, making it far more snobby, so that it’s all sites that I actually respect. No more links to ugly pages from people I know off IRC that really have very little to offer. Fuck I’m nasty these days. Oh well.

I had the worst night’s sleep ever – I had to get up at 5.30am cos I was too hot, and bitten and stuff, so I booted up my computer and talked to Heidi – that’s Simon’s girlfriend who’s back in Finland now. We’re starting a brothel together. She rocks so much – me and Jo taught her all our annoying little sayings (“you’re malcolm”, “on the piss”, “sucks to my asthma” etc) and she’s still using them, and is doing her best to spread them around. The landlord rang me out of bed at 9am, and came around half an hour later with the locksmith – so that’s definatly worth getting up for. Layton’s bed and desk got delivered, and he himself arrived. I talked to him for a while, then had to excuse myself at 11.30am to go back to bed, where I slept for four hours. I just didn’t know what to talk to him about. Clayton’s moving in on Sunday, so hopefully things will be easier after then. The problem is that I’ve sort of settled into a routine having lived here for a week either by myself, or just with Simon who has pretty much the same habits as me (wake after 12pm, bum around all day online, eat dinner as the first meal of the day, then eat toast at night until about 2am then go to bed). I know I’ll have to get out of that pattern once tech starts up again, but still…. I wonder what it’ll be like living with two people I hardly know that I’m expected to interact with.

Anyways, so that’s probably enough for tonight. Oh yeah, just a little request – PLEASE sign my guestbook if you’re new here, or sign it anyways. I’d love to know what sort of people are reading about me and stuff. Market research and all that.

I’m listening to the Tank Girl soundtrack right now. I miss L7. I miss Grrly 5th form, and Cyst – the zine I made with Penny and Sarah that consisted entirely of putting down Room 6 people.

Wednesday the 23nd of December

Another 8am waking. This is evil. Why does working have to be done at that hoour of the day? Anyways, I was quite busy all day – people came in waves. I didn’t sell a single piece of jewellery though, which is good, because people who want it are always fucking indescisive, and I have to stand there while they hem and haw, since I would have had to open the cabinet for them. People picking over pottery can usually help themselves, apart from asking if the stuff is dishwasher/microwave/candle/being dropped off a tall building proof. In case you’re wondering, it’s all of the above. But I’ll just tell you now – if you drop pottery off a tall building, it’ll shatter. Use those shards to enrich your garden.

Fuck I’m an awesome saleschick. I sold about $1500 worth today, which is HEAPS. More than half of it was Paul Winspear’s stuff. He minded the shop while I went to grab some lunch and say hi to Jo (“Boxing Day!”). I got back to find him selling a $390 piece of his, only he charged them $3.90, because him and the eftpos machine don’t get on too well. Luckily a) the people were going to collect the piece the next day and b) they were honest and came back once they saw the mistake. So I rang up that sale correctly. Shit, did I just say ‘rang up that sale” ? How American can I be? I love zapping cards throughth the eftpos machine. Changing the roll in it wasn’t so much fun though.

Momma came into the shop in the afternoon and minded it while she sent me off to get Cousin Jacinta an Xmas pressie. I also got Karen a silver and green bead necklace from the lovely Jo at Narnia. Weren’t those books the BEST? Except once I realised how Christian they were. That sort of killed their rosy glow. But I digress.

In the evening, Amy and I went to see ‘Stella Does Tricks”, only it had finished its season, so we saw “Love and Death on Long Island” instead. It was quite good, I thought – Jason Priestly taking the piss out of himself. It was really nice to spend quality time with Amy too. She lost a ten dollar note somewhere between the ticket counter, and the table we sat at, three metres away. Truely truely bizzare stuff. It just vanished into thin air. I tried to pretend like she was just going crazy, but no! Apparently we both are. Sigh. I’m senile at 18. Then again, maybe there’s a black hole operating around me. I lost three eftpos reciepts today, and I haven’t got the faintest idea how, since I always put them straight into the cash box. I lost my wallet at the Rialto in sixth form too – maybe the two events are connected.

Afterwards, since all we’d eaten for our evening meal had been a large box of scrumptious popcorn, we went to Axolotl and had not one, but two plates of nachoes – the kitchen fucked up and cooked them twice. Yay. It’s so good, knowing the people I know. We had a really really good long chat too, which is Yay (good england!). I’m going to Midnight Mass with her tomorrow – but ONLY because she asked, and because we’ll go with her (scary) parents who know the owners of the Big Sleazy so we can get free drinks. I’m such a whore for alcohol. OOoooooooh scary thing happned today – I whored myself out for POTTERY of all things. Paul had this gorgeous purpley pinky plattery bowl in the shop today, and I fell instantly in love with it. It was priced at $90 – I knew he’d let me have it for less, but it’d still be expensive, so I asked him if I could do his next duty (on the 29th) for him in exchange. He was thrilled at that idea, so I get the platter. Now I’m worried, cos I normally hate and despise pottery. Hmmmmmmmmmm. Oh yeah, it’s for the good of the flat. That’s right. I’m sacrificing myself for group benefit. Besides, it’s not like I’ll have much else to do on the 29th – and I bet the shop will be deserted anyways.

I went to Midnight Mass last year too. I hate carols. I hate organised religion. Why am I doing this???

Oh, weird thing that happened, just before I go – I got an authorization request from this chick on ICQ saying she’d seen my page and she wanted to talk to me about it. Intrigued, I authorized her, and added her to my list too. This was a couple of days ago. I’ve been to her website and she’s a 15 year old American girl. We live in different time zones, and she hasn’t left me any messages. How bizzare. I sign people’s guestbooks, or if they really turn me on (like, not sexually), I’ll email them. Never ICQ. That’s just weird. That said, if you wanna ICQ me, by all means, go ahead!

Tuesday the 22nd of December

For some fucked up reason, I agreed to work for Leonie at 9 in the morning, which meant I had to be dragged out of bed at some heinous hour. I did more collation of survey responses with her, this time dealing with parental feedback on the exchange. It was actually quite entertaining, cos she told me about all the scandels and bitching that went on. One girl (a Marsden Bitch, natch) took thousands of dollars worth of gifts for her host family – including LIVE CRAYFISH. For gods sakes, don’t people know what RESTRAINT means? Or GOOD TASTE?

So yeah, I worked there until 1pm, when Momma finally arrived to pick me up. We went to Ragey Johnsonville Mall, and had lunch in the food court, before doing a little shopping. She didn’t know where Soundz was, so I was like “oooh obviously YOU didn’t spend your wagging time in here”. It’s sad that I do know my way around that mall – not that it’s very big or anything. We We went to the Warehouse, and spent ages in it. It’s such a useful shop! I bought Momma a teletubbies book. I couldn’t resist, because she hates them so much, since I made her watch it with me once. The book’s called “Tubby Custard” which is the catchphrase she screeches whenever I mention the Teletubbies. She scares me a bit. I also got Anji a Winnie the Pooh notice board, and some glow in the dark pens. And roll-on glitter (fuckng cool stuff) and a Little Miss Naughty address book. Not all of that was from the Warehouse though.

In the evening, Karen invited herself over for dinner, but we’d decided to go out, so we went to the Backbencher. It was really nice food, despite that it’s also a pub, so there were larrikans drinking there. I had a vension salad. The bluecheese wontons in it were pausewitheyesclosed delicious. Plus I got unintentionally groped by the cute waiter when he misjudged putting my plate down. But that was just around my stomach, not my breasts, luckily. Our table was really close to the bar, and at one stage, this ugly bastard turned around and set his empty beer glass right on our table. I smiled a big smile at him and was like “yeah choice” and gave him two thumbs up, “that’s okay, we really didn’t need our dining room table anyways,eh!”. He sheepishly picked up his glass and took it to the bar. Later I overheard him telling his drinking companions about it. Sure, it may seem petty, but really! It was OUR space.

Karen came back to Ngaio with us to bake muffins in our oven, and I sulked around because my page wasn’t working properly (that fucking photos link!) and cos I wanted to get back into town to go visit Anji. Eventually she was done. We had a spat in the car, because she was taking too long to finish her sentence, and I told her not to bother because I was sure that she had nothing important to say. Ouch. Yeah, I know that was too harsh. It sort of came out wrong. But to make it up to her, I invited her to hang with me and Jo on NYE. She’ll probably pike early on us – just so long as she has some fun, that’s cool.

After dropping her off, I went into Axolotl, and Anji was sooo sad, i felt really bad. I hung out there for a while, then took her home. Karen was still up, so she showed me her new room. I was very pissed off to learn that Annushka (best friend) had given her “the Magic Toyshop” by Angela Carter for Xmas when I’d specifically rung Annushka to ask her if Karen had it, since I’d just bought it for her. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. So now I need to get a new pressie for her.

Then I picked up a Woman’s Day, and went to sit and goss to Anji in her room while she painted glasses for her flatmates. I stayed there until like 1am, so I didn’t go online when I got home. Yes, shock horror! But I’d spent a lot of the afternoon revamping my webpage, and joining rings and stuff. Yay, emails and guestbook signings from strangers again. That’s always cool!

Wednesday the 16th of December

I slept in until 3pm today. What does that say about me? That’s cool, cos I loved it. The trouble is, that since my room’s at the front of the house, so in the mornings it heats up a lot. I wake up in the heat to open my windows, stretch out and go back to sleep, with my arms still above my head, in a stretch position. So when I wake up three hours later, they’re all numb from lack of blood. It’s probably not the best way to start the day, eh? Still, it’s better than the other morning, when I thought I could open the door for Pixie and still stay in bed. One arm managed to reach out and lean on the wall, but when the other arm reached out for the door handle, everything went horribly wrong, and I ended up falling head over heels onto the cork tile floor, taking all the covers with me. More than a little dazed, someone I reached up and opened the door. Pixie got one hell of a fright when she came in to be nose to nose with me, I tell you. But probably not as much of a fright as I got, falling smack on my ass.

But yeah anyways, like I said that was another day, and I do believe we were talking about today. The good thing about waking up that late is that the sun is at the back of the house, where one of the bathroom windows is. Since the window’s at head height in the shower, the afternoon sunshine comes in to turn the water into liquid diamonds and rainbows, and it’s just the coolest thing in the world to wash in. It’s like being a faerie, rather than just a lazy bitch in the shower.

After that, we headed down the hill to buy our Xmas tree – YAY! I love the whole tree aspect of xmas. In fact, I love almost everything about Xmas. The more commercial, the better, I say. Some people are all like “but we’re forgetting the whole religious aspect of it” – well, GOOD! What it comes down to is that Yuletide was celebrated a long time before all the Christian stuff came into it, as a way to brighten up an otherwise bleak winter. In my opinion, anything’s a good enough reason to over-indulge and get lots of pressies. In Japan, there’s a day called White Day on March the 14th that was INVENTED by a chocolate company. It’s kind of like Valentines Day, only women are expected to give stuff to men on it. Go Go Commercialism, I say. Personally, I’m hoping that sometime in the near future, there’ll be an International Joanna Day. That’d rock.

So yeah, the tree got trimmed in the evening, and all that fun stuff, cos Karen came over. There was a Father Ted Xmas special (which was a repeat) that was bloody hilarious. Karen and I pissed ourselves at a joke shown in the ad for it, then laughed even harder when it came up in the program, which is kind of unusual. She wouldn’t let me put the plastic baubles on the tree, which I guess is fair enough, because we have so many pretty glass ornaments – bubbles in all different shades. The tree is probably one of the most classically shaped trees we’ve ever had, since we left Germany. It’s pointy and full and superb. It was $25, which is a little more expensive than trees normally are, but it was worth it. Once in Japan, me and Mum paid $200 for a tree. I’m not allowed to tell anyone that, so we’ll keep it as our little secret, okay?

My grudge page seems to be doing pretty well for itself. Matter (his name is Matt, but since he’s not THE matt, I don’t want anyone getting confused) from Vision said he’d do a cgi-script or something for me, so that I don’t have to have it in the ugly dreambook, I think he’s just doing it to make me feel inadequate. Yes, I don’t know hardly any HTML at all, and yes, I do most of my pages in Frontpad (this one’s being done on Dreamweaver, but it’s my first) but I don’t make my life out of designing webpages, okay? I do put my life into pages, but the pages aren’t my life. Does that make sense? I dunno, maybe I’m just being too ungrateful. I mean, I do appreciate him putting his time and effort into it and all, so mmmmmm. Yeah. Get in contact with me. I like feedback, and you have so many opportunities to do it.

Wednesday, November 25th

Tahoma. That’s my font. Yeah. Annnnnnnyways.

What do I have to say for myself? Not a great deal actually. I can tell you about my really weird dream though. Okay. I was back in Auckland, walking around, and for some reason I came across my friend, and his ex girlfriend, and her friend Helena, whose page I’m always reading. I’ve never met the ex, or Helena, but both of them looked completly different from photos I’ve seen, and they were completly different from their webpages – and by that I mean they were all sunny and happy and friendly, not at all dramatic or angry. Helena took us up to her flat and it was HUGE. It just went on for ages and ages, all brand new and flash, although she said she only paid $100 rent a week. I remember walking around in it, asking her where each single piece of furniture came from, because it was all so cool. So yeah, anyways, that was just a dream. They really really liked me in the dream, and I just felt like I was completely on their level, which is different from real life I guess. I go and read Helena’s guestbook every so often – there are like 1600 entries now, and it’s such a clique, and it’s kind of amusing. Like, I fully respect her honesty and her strength, and her writing blows me away, but I dunno – there’s just something not quite right about her attitude. In my opinion anyways. I guess that’s the trouble with fan clubs. They make your head swell. Isn’t it about time you signed my guestbook?

Honesty and strength huh? Two things I pride myself on, two things that I lie to myself about. When I was writing up my Born page, I was all “I am Happy” and it’s true – just that there are things that worry me. I’m not perfect, and no man is an island. That’s choice though – I guess it’s just a question of looking at the WHOLE picture, rather than the little fragments. And as a WHOLE, I am blissfully happy. I’m going to a “Where the Wild Things Are” partay on Saturday at Anji’s flat, and if we’re both less sick, it’ll be fucking fantastic.

I’m so fully in shock when people make comments about stuff in my journal to me. Hulita and Andee read through ALL of Lovesong – now that is dedication! It’s also sorta psycho, but that’s okay – if any of you guys had online journals, I’d be the first to read it. Voyers’R Us.

Anyways, speaking of Lovesong, I realised that I only included like, the love songs in there. Now, that might sound obvious, but they’re not the only songs that move me – although they are generally Happy Memory songs, despite the fuckedupedness of it all. There are songs like “Daughter” by Pearl Jam that make me want to cry – that one’s the song I always pair with Emily – a girl I know who died of a brain tumour. Then there are songs like “Sweet Child of Mine” by GNR that really scare me. They played that at Dee’s party, and while all my friends were going crazy, I had to go outside to escape. My immediate reaction was to head for the toilet, then I realised that was the worst place I could go.

So I was sitting outside, enjoying the solitude when Brad came out so I had to talk to him. He probably figured I was completly drunk and on the verge of puking or something, which was totally not true. I had so little to drink at the party – I guess that’s the benifit of drinking in bars where you have to pay lots for each individual drink. It was still an enormasly cool party. I was first on the dance floor (Derek made us go onto it when they played the Backstreet Boys) and like last to leave.

It was really lovely, cos at the end of the night, they played “Loyal” and all of us – it was mostly Tutorial D people left – just stood in a circle with our arms around each other. Yes, cheesy and sweaty I know, but hey! I can’t believe how fast this year has gone by, and how much I’ve changed.

Who would have known at the start of the year that I’d dance publicly when not drunk? Or that I’d get so into the TMI I’d put my diary online?