Hubris.co.nz

40 questions I answer every year.
1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?
2007: Had people fight over me to work for them. Went to the wrestling. Watched people play cricket. Enjoyed both of those things. Oh, and had someone fancy me (seriously, who does that?), and treat them badly while trying to do the right thing.

2006: Started saving for my retirement! Went to New York! Went to San Francisco! Owned framed artwork! Owned a sideboard! Been insanely houseproud. And had a regular gym habit that I am addicted to.
2005: Had workmates that I counted as friends and regularly went out with. Lived with my sister as a flatmate. Traveled to tropical islands without my parents. Had an IV drip. Had surgery.
2004:Sold stuff. Stayed in a motel by myself.
Had a bar refuse to serve me any more liquor.
2003.Umm. Published a whole magazine by myself. Lost a job I loved. Moved back home.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
2007: I can’t remember what my “loftier” ambitions for this year were, but my Matariki resolutions were to wake up with someone in the morning and not mind them being there, which I achieved the night of my birthday party, and to score someone in this house without Lani walking in on me. Having Lani move out really helped with that one!
2006: I had the single New Year’s resolution of having a pash, and an E’d up ex cow-orker made that happen for me in May at Boulot. And Maya. And Sandwiches. Oh the shiny young boy, he was so pretty. And yes, when I first let him kiss me one of my initial thoughts was “Now I have achieved my new year’s resolution!”.

2004:Well according to this I resolved to get a job, which I did, and have a threesome, which I didn’t. And yes, I have made some for next year, but they’re very basic, and you can read about them on Hubris.
2003:My New Year’s resolution was to have a relationship, and I didn’t do that. I came closer than I have for a very long time though, because three of the people I scored this year I had either loved, thought I loved at the time or realised afterwards that I was in love with.
Next year I will make simpler ones like getting a job and/or having a threesome.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
2007: No, but I wish more would given the amount of cute baby clothes my friends produce!
2006: We’re not as close anymore as we used to be, but Maree had a daughter named Isla, and my ex cow-orker Sarah’s having a bubby as well.
2005: We’re not that close, but Kyla did, and when I got to hold her baby daughter I cried like a big sook.
2004: Hulita, I imagine. Fuck I really should get in touch with her.
2003: Nushka, maybe? And I half believe that I had a super early miscarriage. Joy.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
2007: Nope.

2006: No, but I still think about Oma a lot, especially at this time of year.
2005: Oma. I just wrote about that though, and it was exhausting.
2004: We weren’t particularly close, but Granny died. Watching her die was the hard part.
2003: No, thank god.

5. What countries did you visit?
2007: Auckland. Oh, and Rarotonga, even though I almost didn’t make it there!
2006: America, FUCK YEAH! I fiiiiiiiiinally got to see Olivia in San Francisco, which I’d been planning for about five years, or as long as she’s lived there. It makes it a little bittersweet that the only reason I got to go was that I inherited some money from Oma. I suppose the one good thing about the timing was that it meant that Kate was in New York so I had a reason to go there as well.
2005: Fiji with KateB, and Rarotonga with Karen. I wish Raro was as hot and sunny and cheap as Fiji. The people and the food was so much nicer.
2004: The ‘Tron.
Auckland so often tha`t I got confused about where I actually` live.
2003: Christchurch and the Hawkes Bay.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
2007: I’d like a relationship. I think I’m finally just about ready.

2006: Abs. I know they’re a long way away. But I can dream. And also maybe a bit more than a drunken pash and couple of gropings. I’d also like to get some faith in my self back.
2005: Well I got the good workmates and the good flatmate, but Anji’s going to move out, so I would like a new flatmate that I can get along really well with. And also A PASH. Holy crap I’d like a pash.
2004: Flatmates that I’m close to, and workmates who say ‘Thank you’. Also I’d really like to have me some sex, but with the conditions laid out on Hubris – IE: not just drunken friend sex.
2003: A stable job that I enjoy, and a relationship.

7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
2007: December 3 for the Wellingtonista Awards. So much work, but such a payoff. And part of my five year plan!
2006: Halloween Night in San Francisco, because it was the date I planned my trip around. My last day at CWA because of ending up in the ocean. My pirate party because of sheer awesomeness. December 22nd because of Oma dying the year before. Boxing Day (today!) because it’s like the first anniversary of the tsunami anniversary. And that’s kind of funny if you work in the place that I do.Sort of.
2005: June 18th because of the HUGE ENORMAS LABIA and IV drips and so forth, and also December 22nd because of Oma dying.
2004:December 4th – Chelsea’s Wedding Day. Partly because dude, that rocks, but also because it was the date around which I planned my best holiday.
2003: September 12th – last day of my job.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
2007: Being fought over for a job, and realising that actually, while I might have been in a terrible workplace that never gave me any feedback, that doesn’t mean that I’m actually stupid. I’m actually very smart and damn good at my job. And also overcoming the reoccurance of the big Depression, and working really hard to keep myself clear of it. It makes people proud of me. It makes ME proud of me!

2006: Making it to America, continuing to go to the gym with a few lapses, and starting to save for my retirement.
2005: Landing a job where I get paid well, I want to stick around and I think that I am good at it, mostly, and starting up a flat that feels like home. Oh, and going to the gym regularly – except for of course the past couple of weeks. But extrenuating circumstances, really.
2004: Somehow ending up with a sales job despite the fact that I’ve never sold things before and managing to do 73% of my target, as well as becoming a paid writer.
Also, coming off Celepram successfully.
2003: Making it this far, despite the assorted setbacks. Doing my damndest to survive and also doing two people’s jobs for two months – although I wish that had been recognised more.

9. What was your biggest failure?
2007: My fitness level has dropped, my weight has gone up and my finances are in a dire state. But you know what? Fuck that. I haven’t really failed at anything, as such. I did pretty damn well.
2006: Not having lost any weight, and continuing to be afraid that secretly, no one likes me. Oh and perhaps not convincing the boy that I fancied for a long time that actually he fancies me too. And getting hung up on things that should long be dead and buried.
2005: Not getting a single pash. Seriously. Do you know what that does to a girl’s confidence?
2004: Kissing goodbye to any hope of ever starting my own magazine because I realised that I cannot support it on the kinds of amounts of advertising that I could sell. Also not winning the role of Editor at Rip It Up. Y’all did know I’d been interviewed for it, right?
2003: Losing my job, drifting from all my friends, being unable to knock the big D on its head for once and for all, and giving up on Auckland.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
2007: The reoccurance of the D was somewhat of a setback, but better dealt with this time round than in the past.
2006: Other than the flu, insanely sore feet in New York, and many a vast hangover no. But I am a little worried about the new arising Anxiety and will be monitoring it closely.

2005: the infected mosquito bites and the SURGERY ON MY VAGINA count, right?
2004: See below. Wait, also obesity counts, right?
2003: Depression, still. Injuries: the reoccurance of OOS and migraines.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
2007: I can’t think of any one thing that’s awesome. A lot of great clothes from Torrid, perhaps? Or all the drinks I’ve had whilst bonding with the Wellingtonista.
2006: headphones that clip over my ears so they don’t fall out when I am exercising, and getting Sebastian’s claws trimmed. And plane tickets to the States.
2005: My couches. Fuck yeah. 5.5 seats worth of stretch-out aubergine beauty.
2004: My laptop because it came with a free iPod, and having an iPod makes life so much better. Also completing the full set of Buffy and Angel. Heh.
2003: My Buffy DVDs.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
2007: At the start of the year, Lisa was my constant companion, which made it easier to get through the intensely difficult time between self-diagnosis of depression and the pills starting to work. She’d show up bringing cookies & milk, or DVDs, or her paints, and we’d sit in companionable mostly-silence, and she never asked me difficult questions, and it was just really really helpful getting through thtat time. Later, I met Lani and that was choice, and when she was gone, Kat and Kane are tremendously positive influences on my life, with their compost bins, zen-like personalities and also the WRESTLING! And because I build so much of my life around sex, I will give props to the Ginger for breaking a three and a half year seal, even if he turned out to be a bit of a narrow-minded cunt later, because I was getting to the stage where I thought it was actually a physical impossibility for me to fuck again. Also, we’re probably not going to be flatmates for much longer, so I will declare my undying love for Smoo as a flatmate, for putting up with all my stupid shit, feeding Seb when I ask him and for laughing at my jokes. And did I mention for putting up with my stupid shit for almost two years?
2006: Olivia and Steve for being amongst the best human beings on the planet. Kate for taking me in to her busy life and small space for an intense week. Smoo for being quiet and calm and for laughing at my jokes and being someone I look forward to his coming home every night. D for being a gentleman. Asshole. The people who said nice things at my farewell speeches at CWA. And Mum for last year buying me a gym subscription that has worked wonders in my mental health.
2005: Lisa Fur’s, for being my new friend. But not for her white noise. The company that gave me a job, because most of the time I am really happy in it. Anji’s when she was so good with Oma, and when she’s a good flatmate. The KKK crew for many many good times out in Wellington,
2004: My outgoing boss’s, Heather’s for her lovely shoulders, Anyone that I could have giggly crushes on, Anji’s when she stood up to Mum, Brad and Katy for making me actually have a life in Welly.
2003: My mother for helping me move back, KateB for taking me back, Tom for taking me back.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
2007: At my counsellor’s firm suggestion, I decided not to hang out with people who make me appalled and depressed anymore. It works pretty well! There are some people who sucked a whole bunch in the early year, but I don’t work with them any more, so that’s bygones.I’ll just continue to scowl at them in cafes.
2006: the people who continued to let me down in regards to social events. Me for caring so much.
2005: Tomkat. Anyone who voted Right in the election. Anji’s when she sulked and stole my friends from me. My aunt for ruining our Xmas. People who call me a blogger.
2004: Mum’s psychoness over Neil’s birthday dinner, my uncle Don’s over his coldness at his mother dying, Brian Tamaki and all of Destiny Church, anyone who listened to Don Brash, and anyone who voted for Bush.
2003: AuSM’s, Tom’s, mine, assorted other people.

14. Where did most of your money go?
2007: To Torrid and into my stomach, in booze or food, and also on parking tickets for not having a warrant or rego and daring to park outside my house.
2006: My trip to the States, the shopping I did there, internet shopping nwo I finally have a credit card, and also on booze and food.
2005: drinking with workmates & buying people drinks despite my new year’s resolution. Not to mention two holidays to pacific islands, and filling up and keeping our liquor cabinet full. Oh, and having a three bedroom house between two of us is not cheap either.
2004: On paying off my laptop, to various places in Auckland and on food and liquor. Plus I buy Sebastian the expensive kind of cat biscuits quite often.
2003: To Andre at the liquor shop

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
2007: The ARCADE FIRE ARE COMING TO THE BIG DAY OUT! Blam Blam Blam played our awards! During my six weeks at SPAC I got complimented every day! I have friends who like me!
2006: Rockstar Supernova & TWOP, going to America, working for an agency of good now, Country Club and the Wellingtonista awards.
2005: Rockstar INXS and America’s Next Top Model. Also, my couches, my holidays, and the assorted people that I’m stalked.
2004: NZ and Aussie Idol.
Holidays in Auckland.
Dancing at Atomic.
2003: The parties we threw, and the final of Buffy.

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
2007: ‘Sunday’ by Bloc Party, because I want it played at my wedding, and because I had to cancel my trip to see them. Also ‘Listen Up’ by the Gossip because their gig was so fucking rad, and because she’s like, a lesbian and shit (OMG!), and because this year I’ve put more of an emphasis on being a good feminist.
2006: ‘Rebellion (lies)’ and ‘Y Control’ because they both make my pulse race, are awesome for gyming to, and because I went to Auckland to see the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Also ‘Sexy/back’ for the time spent with Olivia in San Fran making jokes about it, all of Birds, and anything by Sigur Ros for the brief crush I had early in the year.
2005: ‘Rocket Queen’ by Guns’n Roses. Man I listened to Appetite for Destruction soooooooo many times this year.
2004: That one song on that one album by that one guy that I still refuse to give up on thinking may be about me.
2003: No one song

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? 2007: Happier
2006: sadder. Boo. 2005: Apart from the Oma stress, so much happier. 2004: Much much much happier. 2003: Much much much sadder.
ii. smaller or larger? 2007: Larger. Oh well. 2006: Actually, and I think this is the first time I have EVER got to say this, but I think I may actually be SMALLER. Not by a whole lot, but still, holy fucking shit! 2005: Fatter. But working on it. 2004: Fatter.2003: Fatter
iii. richer or poorer? 2007: Despite substantial payrises, poorer. And moving won’t help with that either! 2006: A fuckload richer. But not by my own effort really, apart from changing to a better paying job (I am now earning 22k more than I was at the start of 2003). 2005: I get paid a lot more now than I did in 2004, and yet I am poorer. 2004: Richer. 2003: Poorer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
2007: Boxing, swimming and writing.
2006: Dancing. And more boxing! I love boxing. And meeting new people for possible pashage. Heh.
2005: PASHING! Also, yoga. And maybe that I’d started going to the gym earlier.
2004:Selling, socialising, writing.
2003: Exercise, job hunting.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
2007: Thinking that I was a bad, untalented person, when I’m actually really not.
2006: Drinking, eating and thinking that no one likes me.
2005: Wanking. Ouch wrist pain. Also: reading stupid fucking websites that I hate and yet cannot stop reading.
2004: Playing stupid online games and wasting time on the Interweb.
2003: Crying.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
2007: At my parents’ house, eating too much cheese and playing fun games.
2006: Awesomely! With a many-coursed dinner at my gorgeous house.
2005: well, maybe my aunt will show up and start bitching and Anji will start sulking. Just maybe.
2004: The family came to my house.
2003: Spent it watching ROTK and with KateB’s family.

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
2007: I didn’t make many phonecalls at all, actually.
2006: vodafone, trying to top up my prepay by credit card. I can only rmemeber two real conversations on the phone this year, one with KateB when I was drunk and lonely, and the other with Shirley. I miss phone conversations.
2005: I don’t think I spent very much time on the phone with anyone at all. In fact, only Karen and my Mum have my home phone number. Actually, that’s not true at all, Lisa rang me on it today and I was like “Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh?”
2004: I think it’s very telling that there’s a tollbar on the phone here and I’ve never bothered to get a pin for it. Having said that, Heather is good at calling. Also I spent waaaaaaaaaay more time on the phone than I’d like to have beening abused by a particular client.
2003: Before Easter, Tom. After that – hardly anyone.

22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
2007: Um. There have definitely been some misplaced feelings. But mostly I decided that 2007 was the year for inappropriate crushes, and I’ve been really good at that!
2006: Ummm, that might be a tiny bit of a strong word for it, but there has definitely been a rahter long infatuation. And some other shortlived “you are crazy and leaving the country very shortly but i’d like to pash again” crushes and something that I briefly thought was reciprocated but I was waaaay too passive-aggressive about and was possibly wrong about anyway. Nevermind.
2005: No. But I did enjoy the independence. I had some crushes though. That was nice.
2004: I had an oppotunity to reaffirm that I was still in love with the boy from last year.
2003: Sort of.

23. How many one-night stands?
2007: Three-ish. There was the Ginge in February, a very nice boy in May that I am still friends with, which is awesome and there’s almost no weirdness there at all except for the time that I made another pass at him at the end of June, there was the girl on my birthday who I jerked around by going to bed with another time after giving her a big “I’m not right for you” speech. And a couple of pashes in there as well – one was very very blurry but was with a boy who has a fiance (I’m pretty sure we pashed, I remember his hand on my waist and I was like “that’s a really weird place for a hand, it’s a very possessive touch), and one was the boy who came in his pants at second base. Which is very flattering of course, but also hilarious.
2006: None. The one boy I pashed wouldn’t even count as a one kiss stand on the grounds of a couple of instances of gropeage afterwards.
2005: Once more with feeling: I DIDN’T HAVE A SINGLE PASH THIS YEAR. I sort of aaaaaaaaaaalmost have a one-night stand, but the boy chose to stay in a strip club instead and then claimed his phone battery went flat. His loss. Only weirdos hit on me this year.
2004: I went to bed with two boys this year but didn’t have sex with either of them. I’d actually been to bed with both of them the year before anyways. One has no place in my life anymore because I don’t need him and he’s not actually good for me, and the other I don’t have contact with simply because he’s in another city and he put a drill through his cellphone on purpose. I’m sure we’d hang out again in the future just as friends though.
2003: Ummm. Only one person that I had sex with this year was someone I’d met for the first time that day and didn’t contact again.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
2007: Deadwood, you cocksucker! Also, I got very excited about the first season of Heroes, and also season three of Veronica. It was rad showing Lisa Twin Peaks, and I burn through 90210 like noone’s business. But ironically, of course.
2006: VERONICA MARS! And Rockstar. And Family Guy. There’s nothing else on that’s really compulsory viewing.
2005: Rockstar INXS. Firefly. America’s Next Top Model. It may have been Veronica Mars if I’d ever been home on Fridays to see it. Also: Extreme Home Makeover – I am not ashamed of crying every monday at 8.17pm.
2004: Gilmore Girls, EML, Australian Idol. I am not ashamed.
2003: Buffy (duh), WW, Pasedena, Footballers’ Wives, Queer Eye

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
2007: There are some people that I turn my nose up about, and would rather not see, but seriously, nah, it’s not worth it.
2006: No rational hatred. I have a bunch of people that I’ve decided are my arch nemisisisis, but if I’m honest I don’t even go to the same gym as Vagina Woman anymore, so that basically leaves just a handful of people I’ve decided to dislike for no reason.
2005: No. I alread hated (and when I say ‘hate’, I don’t really mean it) my incredibly generic looking arch nemisis from this year last year. Don’t you just hate it when you see someone you think you hate but it’s actually just some random other blonde pony tailed glassons clone?
2004: Well I didn’t know them this time last year, and I don’t really hate them, just wouldn’t mind getting in a free couple of free punches.
2003: I’m on celepram, hate’s far too strong an emotion for that.

26. What was the best book you read?
2007: I really liked ‘The Julie/Julia Project’, and ummm, hmmm, there was some book that I didn’t want to end, and I don’t think it was Harry Potter or a rockstar biog. I wish I could remember what it was. OH! The new Douglas Coupland, totally back on form. I can’t remember its name though, and I’m not sure if it’s out yet…
2006: The Timetraveler’s Wife
2005: The Dirt!!!!!!!! Or wait, did I read that last year? I get confused. Rockstar biographies in general, I suppose.
2004: ‘The Pirates! And the Adventure with the Scientests’ and ‘House of Leaves’.
2003: Oryx and Crake

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

2007: The Gossip, who I have already talked about, and Bloc Party, who I didn’t discover as such this year, but A Weekend In the City is my album of the year. Along with Neon Bible, of course.
2006: The Arcade Fire. Yeah I know they’re old. And also: buying vinyl. And currently I am <3 <3 <3 for the Twilight Singers and am mad as hell that they're only playing in Auckland and it's the week before the Big Day Out.
2005: Appetite for Destruction again. Also, the good tracks from Hot Fuss and Absolution annnnnnnnnnnnnd ummm other music from the server at work.
2004: Many frequent live gigs.
2003: Tom McRae. I love him so.

28. What did you want and get?
2007: A new job that challenges me. Cool flatmates. Pretty house things. To get laid. Solid friendships and popularity. TO build my reputation as a hostess.
2006: A new job. Cool flatmates (although fuck I miss Bart. Sigh). To go to America. Artwork and a hard drive DVD player.
2005: A well-paying job with people that I like. A nice flat. Grown-up couches.
2004: A job. A laptop. An iPod. A nice flat. Published writing.
2003: Editorship of the magazine – even if it was only for two and a half issues

29. What did you want and not get?
2007. A relationship. And a book deal. But I didn’t go for it. Yet. So that’s my bad.
2006: Sexing. To be like hardcore fit by now. But that’s my own fault so I shouldn’t say it all passive-like. To be happy with myself always.
2005: A PASH! A relationship.
2004: Love. Orgasms not by my own hand. A creative job.
2003: Permanent editorship and a steady job.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
2007: Ummmmmmmmm I’m terrible at seeing films when they’re current, so I don’t know what came out when. Did Hot Fuzz come out this year?
2006: Hmmm. The Prestige maybe? Or umm The Departed. I didn’t see that many films.
2005: Serenity.
2004: GARDEN STATE! Holy fuck yes. Also In My Father’s Den.
2003: ROTK, Secretary

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?>
2007: On my actual birthday, I woke up entangled with another girl, and Anji came over and brought us coffee, and we went to get brunch and then cleaned up Karen’s house from my Rockstars & Rocktails awesome cocktail party the night before. SO MUCH FUN! And family dinner at umm some place in Thorndon was good too.
2006: I had drinks the night before I turned 26 in which Bart saved the day by playing wingman and distracting an annoying girl, and Shiny grabbed my boobs and made me laugh. Then on the day I had a lovely brunch with my family at Capitol, then had dinner with friends at Cafe Istanbul and then had drinks and saw the Real Hot Bitches dance for the first time.
2005: I turned 25. On my birthday, I was kind of sick from infected mosquito bites, and there was a lump that was growing on my labia. My daddy took me out to lunch at Monsoon Poon, and then we had a dress-up party at work that night at Paradiso. I wore my new stripey pyjamas. The next day I was supposed to have my birthday party, but instead I spent it at the A&E, having my mossie bites scraped open, being shot full of antibiotics and with two South African ladies squeezing my vagina.

2003: I was 23, and I worked, drank up a bar tab adn then went to Canton for dinner with 12 friends. It was wonderful.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
2007: To not end it needing to find a new flat. And for my job to progress a little faster than it does.
2006: Not feeling so let down by so many people. And maybe that’s just a change I need to have in my own mind.
2005: A PASH. And umm, pretty much, that’s about it. Some love and affection, a few more friends to play with.
2004: Someone holding me. Please insert the starved for touch like a Romanian orphan simile here.
2003: Do I need to talk about the job thing again?

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
2007: Thanks Torrid! And thanks, black leggings – you make all my short skirts okay.
2006: All about the dresses. Which are regretably too short and must be worn over other skirts or pants. And also: <3 <3 <3 American clothing shops that realise that not all fat chicks are over 50.
2005: I’m finding my own style.Also, BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS.
2004: My discoball necklace was SHR Then until the paint chipped off it. Now it’s all about the Pearl Necklaces. I am an accessory queen, especially if it is multicoloured and/or stripey.
2003: I.must.learn.to.accept.my.upper.arms. That and “YAY PINK”.

34. What kept you sane?
2007: Going back on celepram, going to a counsellor, identifying what my risk factors are and trying to avoid them. Also the ocean.
2006: St John’s Wort and going to the gym and/or regular bursts of cardio through dancing or other such things at home.
2005: I did. Also, Mum paying for my gym subscription helped.
2004: Sebastian. Heather. Being able to walk 150 steps to go and cry on Karen’s shoulder at work when I needed to.
2003: Sebastian. Andre. The people behind the scenes.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
2007: Ummm, I dunno I kinda wanna marry the guy from the River Cottage and go and grow vegetables with him. And it was fun pretending to fancy Damian Christie and freaking out the other Wellingtonistas.
2006: Storm Large! Heh.
2005: Ummmmmmmm. I’m not sure. Jordis Unga? Possibly no one. Possibly the singer Lisa and I want to have bear cubs with. Definitely not Milan anymore.
2004: Zach Braff and the entire cast of the Whedonverse.
2003:Pretty much everyone.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
2007: Being a better feminist. And worrying about the election results for next year.
2006: Hopefully aid and development. And the mystery of why anyone in the world would want to have sex with Don Brash. And also public transport and the importance of it.
2005: the General Election, and the scariness of how the fuck can people actually vote Right?
2004: CIVIL UNIONS BILL. Also: the American Election.
2003: Prostitution Reform Bill.

37. Who did you miss?
2007: I want to hang out with KateH more. And Bart.
2006: EM who was long gone until that two letter reemergence which was a big case of what-the-fuck without closure. Heather who I don’t get to talk to as much anymore. My old workmates when I was still at CWA and they weren’t. Thinking that I had a crush with potential.
2005: Ummmm. No one person really stands out so much. I kind of like the independence of that. But someone to pash, for sure.
2004: Olivia. Auck people. New episodes of Buffy. BenIV.
2003: Tom. Still. Always. BenIV. Me.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
2007: Lani and Kat & Kane. Hurray for flatmates!
2006: Ash! Although I met her last year. And Fia. Oh, and most importanly for my daily life, Smoo and Bart.
2005: Lisa Fur. My workmates.
2004: Jessie. Wow, this is getting written all over the Internet. Also, Katy Troop again.
2003: Iva! Assorted NZm, LJ people and also Jo Again.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
2007: You’re NEVER going to have everything perfect at once in all areas of your life, so don’t try to.
2006: Always carry a map with you if you plan on going out drinking in Brooklyn. And also if you build it, they might not necessarily come.
2005: I will survive. Also: exercise CAN be fun. Crazy.
2004: George Foreman grills rock the kitchen.
2003: I am not my employment status. No really. Also: learn when it’s best to cut your losses as soon as possible.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
2007: “I love you in the morning, when you’re still hungover / I love you in the morning, when you’re still strung out”. I need to find someone to sing that to me.
2006: “If I loved you endlessly, how could it be wrong? Where did we go wrong?”
2005: “I stayed at this masquerade and had another drink / I was hoping to bring sin to my sheets”
2004: “And nothing else matters when they turn it up LOUD”
2003: “I’d rather be drunk with myself now
Than alone in a crowd”

I have been reading my journal from 1999, spurred on by stumbling across Shakespeare in Love on TV and deciding to find what I’d written about it, and realising what was going on with my life at the time, but anyways, I fucking wish I could be that honest and upfront right now. I mean, yes, in the olden days I did write my secret thoughts in the source code, but at least I wrote them. In the past couple of years, I’ve become so boring and sheltered and so fucking cafeful. I miss pre-google days when you could write about how fucking stoned you got with various people and call them by their names.

But I don’t smoke pot anymore, of course, and man, I so fucking miss that. Did you see the parts in my journal in 1999 when I used to be in my pyjamas, and someone would call, and my flatmate would be in love with them so I’d put on my grandfather’s silk dressing gown and get driven across town to go smoke with them and then go home? Good times. I wish the world was that simple right now.

Yes I know that I am full of “oh I wish that things were still that way or that way or whatever it is that I want”. And yes, I realise that might make you think that I am unhappy with the way that things are right now. I wish I could write and explain the things that are causing me drama. I have layers of privacy written into this journal, and I could make posts on different levels, or write in different spaces, put in linked footnotes, or be really obscure, but I don’t want to do that. I wish I could tell you what I dislike about my job, very specifically, but I am reduced to saying “government can be a little bit slow-moving”. I wish I could tell you what the problem is with my homelife, but I will sumarise by saying that Kat and Kane are moving out in February to go to Tauranga to be nearer to Kat’s Mum, and you can’t argue with that. But oh yes, of course it doesn’t actually matter when they’re going, as much as I love them and will miss them so much, because oh yes, that’s right, I’m BEING EVICTED. They’re terminating the lease on this house that I love so much on February 3, so I will need to be gone, and find somewhere new. I left a note for Smoo telling him about it and saying that I hoped he would come with me when I set up a new house, because I love living with him, but he’s gone to Hamilton for Xmas, so I don’t know what he’ll say and I’m a little bit scared that he’ll be all like “oh you know what? Done our dash at this flat, time for me to move on”. But I suppose if that’s the way the road goes, that’s the way the world goes.

I am trying to be very calm and very philosophical about everything in my life right now. It does not help that I have failed to go to the gym for a couple of weeks, that my alcohol intake has increased exponentially with the season, that I can’t remember the last salad that I had, that there’s a full moon and most significantly that I am down to a pill a day, if that, because apparently it is far too too hard to find five minutes to cut them up and fill my seven-day box.

So there have been more than a few tear-bouts. Like when my car got towed from the carpark near work that I’d only parked in because I’d failed to sleep and was running an hour and a half late, and that was all the coins I had. I didn’t know who to call and I didn’t want to bother anyone with my drama, but as I later suggested to my counsellor, if anyone was in my position and they failed to call me, I’d want to punch them in the head because of course I’m always there for them (so I have resolved to treat myself like I’m actually my friend, so that I will see that I am actually important and special and deserving of cherishing and nourishment – the way I view my friends but have difficulty seeign myself). So yeah, I called Shirley, and cried and cried, and through a series of navigational mishaps, we ended up driving out to Petone. I had a big panic attack – or is it an anxiety attack – in her car. My heart rate went out of control, my entire body tensed up to the point where my left side felt like it was a heart attack, my flesh tingled, and I had the most disgusting metalllic taste in my mouth. I was more successful in fighting it because I was in someone else’s company than I normally would be. And we wen to the beach, and I stood ankle deep in the cool water and tried to unclench my body, which had of course gone into total survival clenched mode.

We wandered down Jackson St forever, trying to find a place for dinner that was open which would fit us in, and finally we came across Gusto, down the opposite end from Wanda Harland. Yum! We had a cheese plate which had a brie that gooed everywhere, and antipasto with four kinds of preserved meats. The service was a little new, but very well intentioned. And after we had retrieved my car from the towing yard, $180 later, I stopped by quiz and was so upset and stressed out about my workshop the next day I hardly even noticed when the Quizmaster hugged me.

The next day I had a huge big challenge organising an interactive workshop on wikis for 50 people. I panicked and doubted myself and thought I’d fucked up room bookings when it was of course some people overstaying their time in rooms, but other than that, it went pretty good. And then after work I got drunk over dinner at Longixang with Karen and Kowhai and Lisa, and we drove out ot Martha’s shop opening and I drank more champagne and bought presents for Anji and Karen, and a bear-shaped rug that I am SO going to fuck someone on, while my fire-place video plays on the TV. Maybe I will add in photos some other time.

I didn’t write about the Wellingtonista awards yet either. Such an amazingly good night. I can’t believe that things went as well as they did. It was such a stressful period leading up to ist, but on the night, it appears that we pulled it off quite well indeed. My dress was pretty, and that;’;s what’s most important, right? and OH MY GOD Blam Blam Blam were so astonishingly good,a nd I jumped up and down and up and down and dancd and danced and then I hugged them and the whole time I was dancing I had the biggest grin on my face going “BLAM BLAM MOTHERFUCKING BLAM ARE PLAYING AT AWARDS I FUCKING HELPED ORGANISE!” (although props for the actual night must go to Mitch and Russell) and it was just so fucking lovely to know that 678 people voted, compared to 57 from last year. The Wellingtonista have filled my social calendar this year and I love them all dearly, even when they don’t read their emails properly.

And there are other things that are lovely in my life. Kat and I may have finished our Veronica dates, but the other night on our girlie date night we watched Dirty Dancing and then The Breakfast Club and I know that even when they’re gone in February, they’ll be coming back all the time for wrestling. And fuck, I so don’t want them to leave. Do you know how amazing our vege garden looks right now? I don’t want ot have to leave this house, it’s just not fucking fair. This is my home. How dare they “consider their options”? Shirley’s consoling words have been all about promising me that I’ll find a place with a better kitchen, but how will I find a house big enough to fit in all my crap? I have so much crap. My aim over the holidays is to throw out three things a day, but I dunno if I’ll get that done. Yesterday I was hungover all day from end of work drinks, with Tom buying Bollinger at Arbituaguer, and then much sake at Hede, and teapots at Alice, and more wine at Hawthorn, and today I had half a dozen people (Karen, Tom, Kowhai, Shirley, Frances, Lisa, Kat & Kane) over for drinks in the sun, which of course turned into drinks with candles outside and everyone wearing my hoodies and wow, I’m so fucking huge. My idea of spontaneous entertaining starts with texts at 10am, and then there’s bratwursts and frozen samosas and a trillion cocktails. We’re having Xmas at Mum and Neil’s, even though their deck isn’t finished (I am SO dreading the mess already) and so Karen and I went entree shopping this morning. And I have already finished the white rum, apparently. D’oh!

What more did I have to say? I am so fucking craving some physicality. I want to devour the world. So let’s end it there, yes?

Today, as expected, was really hard. It’s always the hardest when you’ve been to the doctor’s, and you’ve admitted to being crazier than you wanted to be, and you’ve been forced to change the reasoning for your request for fewer hours at work from the very constructive awesome “I want more time to work on other projects” to “I can’t handle things the way they are right now”. I cried and cried and cried today in my counselling session, and then laughed when my counsellor said “yes, it’s fucking unfair that depression is like this, that it’ll come back unexpectedly” because oooh she swore! But she said it was important to remember that all the hard work that I’ve been doing hasn’t gone away, it still exists and I am still doing the right thing, but there is biology at play in my brain. I know that, of course, but I’m still struggling to reconcile what I know to be logically true, and what I feel. I told her that everything is so fucking hard right now, that I have all these ideas about things I want to be doing, but right now it’s a struggle to move my head from one end of the couch to the other, that I’m walking into doors right now and am covered from head to toe in bruises (I got two in quick succession at the gym yesterday before I tried to sprint it out of me on the cross trainer), and that I just can’t do anything at all, and I hate myself for that. She told me to imagine that I’m a five year old, and that it’s OKAY that things are hard, or impossible, for a couple of weeks at least. I know that my increased citalapram dosage will make things easier in a couple of weeks, so for now, it’s OKAY if I shut down somewhat, and just do what it takes to get me through the day. We talked about coping strategies for day-to-day, like running to the toilets on another floor if I want to have a cry by myself, or buying coffee instead of getting angry that there are people in the kitchen when I want to make myself a cup. And yes, I know that maybe this seems incredibly lame to someone who’s never gone through this – or to someone who’s gone through it differently, and believe me, it makes me frustrated as fuck that I need to think of ways to cope with getting a cup of coffee. This is not a sign of being a super hero. But again, I know this will pass. I’m torn between wanting to carry around a sign with me that says “please just let me get away with weak pathetic snappiness for the next two weeks” and wanting to internalise it all and just be a rock, an island. Today everyone was all “I saw you in the paper”, and I was like “yes, yes you did” all snappy, because I was just so unable to talk in any kind of pleasant manner – although I must send shoutouts to Kimpy who made it happen (even if she rejected what I originally said my mother always told me) and Llew who scanned the piece – but now that there is a medical certificate in circulation around the HR department saying that I have the Medical Condition of Depression, and so I feel like people are all like “Oh hi, how are you?” to me, and at the same time I know that is related to my increased paranoia and short tether and grumpiness that is part and parcel of this super fun black dog.

And that is a long enough paragraph focusing on the crapiness. Let’s talk about the good things instead, after I mention how I channedl my five year old tonight and slept on the bus, and napped on the couch instead of going to see Mel in Chicago out in Titahi Bay which I feel terrible about, but I just couldn’t do it. I got an email from a friend today after I sent her my zine in which she said that it had made me cry, and that I should write more, and that was nice. And I umm hmmm. Tomorrow I get to go out with D&D and I haven’t done that in a couple of weeks. And then on Saturday i will listen to Public Address radio at 2pm on Radio Live to see if I’m talking shit on it, but other than that, I have no weekend plans, which is GLORIOUS. I might stay in bed all day. Go this inner child thing!

In the time that I’ve written lately, IK really should have given some shoutouts to Harvestbird because a couple of Saturdays ago, Lisa and I spent some awesome time in her company.

Oh yes, that’s right, did you enjoy that link? Cos it’s going to get more linky. So linky. Like when I talk about how we went to Bic Runga and it was so much more awesome than Alan’s experience, like Lisa’s photos will no doubt show you. Highlights include Bic stopping to point at a man peeing in the bushes. SO AWESOME! SO Intimate. We got seats RIGHT AT THE FRONT and enjoyed them mightily until some fuckwits came and sat in front of us drunkenly and talked and talked and oh man, I wanted to bottle those fucks. In fact, the ten dollar venison burger was plenty tasty but didn’t fill me up so I could have eaten those dumb fucks. Oh yes. But, as I said to Alan tonight, I wanted to retract all the things I said about kids befre, cos they were so much more awesome than the stupid fucking drunken grownu dicks. Oh, and I must give mad props to the girls (ummmm Georgie and Lindsay?) who came up to me and asked if I was Jo, Jo Hubris, and said that they loved my website, and made no mention of my blog or of Next (unlike the cleaner at work, and the woman behind the counter at the gym). Hurrah!

That was Saturday. Friday night was the gorgeous Peti’s 30th at the Southern Cross, and that was much much fun. D&D were actually rather drunk, as was Miss Fur, who was somewhat of a sad panda, and while I would hope that I’d never take advantage of that, I totally took advantage to stroke her hair and cuddle her like woah. Perhaps the boys were drawing off me in their insanely handsiness – apparently my Mary-Kate and Ashley locket is a total magnet. And yes, I will take some responsibility for like, the total hottness of my boobies, but like, woah. WOAH. Heh.

Which brings us to Sunday, which was officially (by me) declared to be Jo Day. This meant an hour and a half brunch at the local cafe with the puke-filled paper (OH MY HOLY FUCKING GOD I HAVE so MANY THINGS TO SAY ABOUT THE POLICE RAPE THINGS), and then a swim at Lyall Bay in which the waves were over my head and there was so much sewaweed it ended up in my togs when I was showering, but the insane dunkings were kind of fun. And then I saw Ash in the supermarket so she came over for a beer in the sun, anad we talked about oh, you know, being crazy. I’d hoped to have a BBQ but of course that didn’t work out, so I fought off the associated “OMG EVERYONE HATES YOU” feelings in favour of a “wow, it’s entirely possible that one day someone will die from food poisoning as a consequence of you, but meh” feeling.

Monday was very very meh, and pretty much the only highlight was my parcel from torrid.com, that included patent wedges with 4.5 inch heels that are SO FUCKING HOT all capital letters-esque, but you know,the practicality of actually walking and existing in them had me trying on many outfits (well, okay, two) for Lani and Smoo’s thoughts. Naturally we ignored what Smoo had to say, because he’s a boy, so of course he’s going to go for the red dress. Which meant of course that tonight found me wearing my brand new purty suit, for which I spent much of the evening giggling and chuckling at my pretense of actually being grown up and professional and all. Of course, that’s frequently like totally not true, although I did do a fuckload of work today, despite spending two hours stuffing envelopes. Apparently if we get another 300 people on our mailing list, we get to outsource the job, so are you keen?

But yes, so I went to the Paramount for Webstock Mini all dressed up and pretending to be a grown-up. I was of course there to support Sue and to support Martha, but I was also interested in what the speakers would have to say. Naturally I found myself giggling like a norty school girl in the back row, with other Wellingtonistas, but I felt I redeemed myself when someone (actually a sort-of client) was trying to introduce me to Skank, and I was like “oh yes, I used to know her” and he as was all “but she’s here tonight, you should meet her!” and I was like, wow, what’s the best way to put the emphasis on Iused to that would make it clear that I kind of wish I was 8 so I could scratch out her eyes. Do eight-year-olds do that sort of thing? Well, I suppose they don’t go to jail for it anyways. But blah blah. I’m pretty over people who are all “yes, we met before, I was there when you went swimming, remember?” because clearly I DON’T remembver, as well. I cheered loudly for Martha when she spoke, and when they asked if anyone else wanted to get up and talk about how the internet had changed their life, I knew exactly how I’d start, and it’d go a littl elike this: “Recently I got an email from a Canadian. this isn’t that unusual on the interweb, of course, but the fact that he told me that I was the reason that he stareed taking his bi polar medicine is pretty fucking special”. And the speech would go on to talk about the online community, and how in many ways you get the same giggling cliques (ie: the Wellingtonista giggling before Martha spoke), because of the bigger numbers even the most outside of the outsiders could find a place. Yeah!

But instead of saying that, I just talked to Martha & Glen and Sue, until they left and I still had a glass of wine in my hand, so I ended up going to Sweet Mother’s Kitchen for dinner with some people I knew and some I didn’t. we of course couldn’t get a table straight away, so I was drinking margaritas in an alleyway with the postboxes, and when we could sit I talked to our sort of client – or are we their sort of client? – about how their presentation was hilarious because their page of doodles included a couple of doodles of jizzing cocks, and umm, hi, inappropriate, but HILARIOUS. and it’s okay cos two of the Comms team are married, so they explained it to us. I had fish tacoes but I think almost no one got the “heh heh heh” of the title, and I got bored whilst eating and someone else finished it off for me. And then at the end I had another margarita and things were cool and fun, and I was talking ot a handful of people, but then the boy that I fucked a couple of weeks ago was all “so is your insulin level the way it is cos you’re fat?” and I was like “What the FUCK?” and got really angry, and stated loudly for the record and also for me that umm hi, my insulin levels are actually really fucking awesome (I have been tested many times and do not have diabetes), as is my cholestrol and my everything, except for, you know, my blood pressure in December. And that just made me so rarked up, like, oh, so the whole time that you were fucking me and I was feeling good cos I thought I was all like, good times and confident and awesome, you were all “wow. your. diabetes. is. like. amputatative. And. I would. like. to fuck. your stump. hole. ” and he wouldn’t step away from it, and I got so angry, because yes, I’m fat (okay, you didn’t notice?) but hi, I go to the gym at least three times a week, I go swimming at least three times a week, excetera, excetera, there are so many ways to be in which you can be worse than mine, and I always thought that my fucked-up part was my mental health, not my physical, so I left with the whole “Okay bye, nice to meet you”, “nice to meet you”, “nice to meet you” “wow, you’re a fucking cunt and I thought you were actually a nice guy” goodbyes and laughed at the “ooooh”s. So I took a 14, and got moody, and ended up crying at the foot of Smoo’s bed (or mattress) while he sat there not entirely knowing what to do but offering sound logic instead of hugs instead. Poor Smoo. It was just about the how things that make you feel good about yourself can sometimes backfire, and that’s dumb, and boo. And also, one of the guys tonight who did his two minute talk about how the interweb changed his life had talked about literal life-saving in the Balklands, and that’d made me want to cry at the time. Like, for serious,yes. Blah blah. Waaaaaaaaay too tired to write more now.

Edit: this morning my breasts are totally glassy, so ooooooooooh, I’m premenstrual! Aha! It all makes sense now.

I have been as busy as a mongoose lately. A mongoose! And consequently, there is not a part of my body that doesn’t ache. Except for maybe my right ear. But that’s it.

After work on Tuesday, Karen and I went to jump into the ocean by the lagoon. Something went wrong with the way I was holding my head as I jumped off the plank though, and as I plunged into the water I felt as if I was receiving an enema through my nose. Not a pleasant feeling at all, I tell you. In fact, it made my throat and ears ache, and made me feel really sick. Add to that the teenage boys yelling “stingray!” at each other, and then the something solid that brushed my hand that made me swim and hide behind Kar, and when she saw a jellyfish I was well ready to get out. So I texted the divine Miss Fur and she came to pick me up and we went to the fish’n chip shop in Lyall Bay then drove out of the sun to go eat on the pier by my secret beach.

On Thursday Anji and I went to a pilates class at our gym for the first time. It seemed easy enough while we were doing it, although I got trembling holding my left leg in the air for so long, but afterwards, my abs were screaming. Oh yes, I apparently have abs. And for the rest of that night and all of Friday I felt like I was wearing a corset, I was so aware of them. I drove out to the airport to pick up Lani and three of her giggling friends who are staying with us, and then Lisa came to get me again for the Julia Deans (that’s her from Fur Patrol for those of you not in the know) solo accoustic gig at Happy. We got there shortly after 9pm, and were told it wasn’t on til 10 so we went to Karen’s house and made fun of her for a while before going back. Man oh man was I tired. Ryan Prebble didn’t start playing until after 11, and even though I’m sure he’s a lovely man and that some people were into his music, I started having fantasies about his guitar strings breaking as he was twanging them so hard and cutting him and him bleeding out and dying on stage so that Julia could start sooner. And then the taste in my mouth let me know that I’d actually fallen asleep for half a minute. But when Julia finally started singing, ti was all worthwhile. She did lots and lots of new stuff, no old Fur Patrol, and ‘Freak show’ and wow, her voice sure is stunning. The annoying part was that someone had brought along a baby, who cried. What the fuck? Yes, the baby was wearing ear muffs, and yes, apparently the mother was known to Julia who stopped and said “I know it’s not the volume cos that baby’s been to Shihad gigs!” but hi, you are not Gywneth, and this is not Live8 (and no one should ever aspire to be Gywneth anyways, because dude, could you pick a more bland milksoppy role model? Maybe Andie Mcdowell. But still.). I can put up with screaming kids at the beach because I suppose I do swim by the kids’ playground so I’m asking for it, but I don’t care if Happy was the first smokefree bar and it was fairly quiet, children are totally inappropriate in that context. Yes sir. But yes, apart from that, good times. I thought about how I can totally see the way I’m replacing you in the role that you used to have, and how even though I know what I’m doing is dumb it’s going to happen anyway, but meh, maybe I will go with this week’s counselling work whereby instead of being all “I should be doing this or that” or whatever, I can be all “I am making a choice to do blah blah blah”. I totally dig on how she gets my semantical issues.

Because Lani’s friends were sleeping in the lounge when I got home I couldn’t have my usual unwinding time with the television when I got home, so I couldn’t get to sleep for ages so Friday morning I was dreadfully dreadfully tired, but hopped up on excitement about the forthcoming weekend. After work I went to the ministry social club drinks where Lani introduced me to her friends – many of whom know my father, and I laughed at where a couple of the boys apparently thought my eyes were. I suppose the Mary-Kate and Ashley locket I was wearing that Martha made me buy at Craftwerk did help to draw the eye down to Mary-Kate and Ashley, which was of course totally the point. But it made me feel appreciated. Yes. I only stayed for one glass of wine though, because I ahd to go home to eagerly await the arrival of KateH and Shirley, hurrah! We had a couple of bottles of bubby while doing much gossip catch-up, and it was lovely. A couple of times I felt a bit weird, because I always used to be better friends with both of them than they were with each other, but of course now I live in Wellington and they don’t, so they have all these stories about people I don’t really know and tales to tell about nights together and I was just like “waah, left out”. But Shirley has just moved to Palmy now to finish her grad dip, so the balance will be restored again. Muahaha. We’d planned to go out to dinner but instead I fished bolognaise out of the freezer while they went for more wine. Then we went to Fia’s birthday party, and I didn’t check the address so we wandered around the top of Ghuznee St for ages trying to find a number that didn’t exist, being invited to student parties playing Metallica before I checked my phone and saw I had two digits wrong. So we got there in the end. Mostly I just talked to Karl and Amber, and laughed at the very very drunk very very young lady who tried to hit on both Shirley and KateH because she was missing her girlfriend. When we were in the taxi home I rang Lisa and decided to go to her house to panda-dance, so the girls went home to watch taped Daily Shows which Shirley didn’t like and is therefore off my weddding guest list.

It was a Saturday the next day, strangely enough, but much like last weekend when I didn’t get to sleep in because I went to the Petone fair with Shayne and Lani to see the wonderful Sue and Martha, I had to get up early to make the most of the day. This meant Shirley, KateH and I taking the bus in to the Cuba St Carnival, leaving like before 11am! I know right, haaaaaaaaaardcore. We were as awake as lemurs. Even though I’m sure it got much more crowded as the day went along, Cuba St was buzzing, and I was so fucking proud to be a Wellingtonian. I was also stoked that all of my “I am the boss of the weather and it will be sunny tomorrow!” blustering had paid off and it was still and baking. We wandered around for an hour or so, People’s Coffee from Plum in hand (I actually don’t really like it. Stink), and KateH bought a top, I found a hat that actually fit my huge head in Frutti so I bought that, and Shirley got a hat too. We also popped into Slowboat to see Ev, and now she probably thinks I am insane. Nevermind. Then it was just after 12 and we’d seen everything so I decided we should go home to get my car and go to my secret beach. So we did. KateH and Shirls were all “oooh eeek arrrgh too cold!” so they sat on the beach and read “Next (heh), while I had a bloody nice swim.

Lani and her friends were on salad duty, which cut down on my prep work for Country Club: Australia rather substantially. I went to the supermarket for beer (VB) and assorted snarlers and charcoal and ice and so on and so forth while Shirley and KateH did the dishes. We made dips, filled up a tub with ice and beer and then I turned our washing line into a pavilion in the style of Spiceworld (remember? In the grounds of the big old spooky house and they’re all wearing different coloured bathrobes, sucking chuppa chups and planning how to set up Debra and Clifford) with the help of a large couch cover, some pegs, some lime green netting curtains and assorted mattresses, pillows and lanterns. It looked bloody marvellous by the time I was done, even if it didn’t provide quite as much shade as I’d hoped. The absolutely fantastic Jimmy turned up and for a very long time it looked like he was going to be the only boy there, so he had to Make Fire by himself, although I stood around and fetched beer. Luckily Dave showed up to be manly with him. I had a period of total Hostess Anxiety because the bbq was going slowly so we thought we might have to cook some things indoors, and I didn’t know what, or when or how, and Lani’s friends were in the house so I thought if we took the food outside they might not get anything, and my friends Anne and Frances were in the kitchen preparing respectfully shrimp and falafel and I wanted to talk to everyone at once and make sure that everythign was going okay and the ghetto blaster on the stairs kept skipping on the mix CD Lisa brought (AC/DC and Powderfinger and Icehouse and Midnight Oil and the Vines and Jebidiah etc) aaaaaaaaargh freak out! So I made a choice to just sit down and have another beer. And things got much easier from then on in. I grilled some venison burgers indoors and the shrimp and falafel were fried, and people ate, and the boys tended the bbq most faithfully and more people came adn the sun went down, and ahhhh bliss. Lisa left for a while to go see the Phoenix Foundation play, and Lani and her friends took off, so it was just my posse hanging out. Instead of eating the pavlova I’d bought to be controversial, we toasted marshmallows and pears over the coals and the sugar cominded with the mango margaritas once the beer ran out made me incredibly fucking hypo. I jumped around and danced in the garden to CDs that reminded me of Volcanic and also the Pulp Fiction soundtrack that soundtracked my first-ever pash, and was just very very amped to go back into town to meet up with Shirls and KateH who’d left earlier and see the Battacuda Sound System, or whatever the correct spelling is.

We managed to squeeze six of us into Miss Lisa’s car so we could drop Frances home, and so Kar and Dyl and I were dropped off by Manners Mall to head up to Swan Lane to the big stage and crowds. I was still VERY VERY HYPER and yes, I am writing much like I was talking and jittering. It was fun. While we were waiting for the band to start the boy from the Great Blend showed up, so we chatted for a bit and it was nice to see that contrary to the stoogling results I’d turned up, he is actually just a secret ginga. Heh. Battacuda were SO MUCH FUN! I danced like a crazy person and so my calves are still aching today, because apparently dancing on concrete is not as soft and accomodating as you might think it could be. If you were stupid. I was all very hyped up so we went to Havana after, and danced some more. KateH and Shirley went home but Dyl was all let’s stay out! so I did, and then after one more drink both him and Kar were like “tired now, let’s go” and I was like you guys are DICKS. But there was a taxi right outside the door, and so that was handy. I told Karen to remember it was a black’n gold one, and texted her when I got home fine. I wasn’t that drunk, but I’m trying to form good habits in case of insane drunkenness at a later date. Ahh taking care of myself, nice work.

When I woke up on Sunday I felt like I’d been hit by a truck, what with the calves, and the pimple just inside my nose, and the cut on my foot and the scratches from Sebby who was a little unnerved by the masses of people at the BBQ – so much so that he almost didn’t want to eat steak – but he dragged it away to eat in private and emerged much calmer – and all, but I still managed to get showered and dressed and to take the girls to the Maranui Surf Cafe for breakfast. We had to wait for aaaaaaaaaaaaages to get a table and then for our food but it was well worth it because dude, Wellington is so fucking rad. I dropped KateH in town after that and said sad goodbyes to Shirley who had to return to Palmy for her first day of school today. I spent the afternoon lying in the pavillion reading Prep (so good! although I expected more sex and panties from a book set in a boarding school) and then bonding with my couch and HDD once the wind got too strong. I did a mountain of dishes and threw away salads and prawn heads, but cleanup wasn’t too bad thanks to the wonders of disposable plates. I discovered that Smoo wasn’t actually dead in a gutter but had instead gone to Hammy with Bart for the weekend. When they got back they came over to bbq up the leftovers. But it turns out that Jimmy is teh BBQ King and they can’t even touch him. Much like Hammer. While Bart trying to catch flaming pieces of paper with his bare hands was somewhat entertaining, we resorted to cooking on the stove instead. Smoo ate about a thousand chops, so KateH and I were looking forward to seeing Bart polish off a whole pavlova, but that didn’t happen, sadly. So there is still some passionfruit pav with Kiwiberries (so weird!) in our fridge if you are hungry. Okay? Okay.

Today I got up early to take KateH to the airport, but she fetched me coffee while I was in the shower so I love her for that. And that’s about all I have to say for now, I think.

Apparently Russell doesn’t read Next. If he did, he’d know (because somehow apparently it’s easy to miss on Hubris, because it’s only like OH I DON’T KNOW, THE TITLE OF EVERY SINGLE FUCKING PAGE) that “Joanna McLeod doesn’t like the word ‘blog’”. In fact, that’s the first sentence of the piece, entitled ‘Blogging On’, on page 34 in the March issue. And then you can stare at the picture of me and reminisce about the time that the photographers came to my house instead of thinking about how my cheeks swallow my eyes when I smile. Must remember not to smile so hard. Which is easy to remember today since it’s Tuesday, and Tuesdays mean counselling day. But back to the article, I’m pretty sure that I told Danielle that I was one of the first people in New Zealand to write an online journal, not in the whole wide world ever, but Lani has the broadband cord right now, so I can’t check in my emails. But once I can, maybe I’ll post everything I said, so that I can pretend that it’s a whole article just about me, without any references to LonelyGirl15.

I can’t remember what else I wanted to write about. Things I talked about today included how worked up I got when we talked about the thing that I don’t like to talk about, and later when we talked about something else she was like “your hands seem to have calmed down now” and we laughed, which was important because of course I am still trying to keep her entertained, even if she doesn’t actually exist outside of that room, as she said. We talked about things that do or don’t define me, and my homework is to try and come up with a definition of myself(*). I told Lani that when I got home today and talked to her for way too long despite the soreness of my jaw (more about that later) and was like “Oh man, if only I could stand the word, because then I could be all “Joanna McLeod, Blogger”. Lani said she thought I was creative and inspiring because of the cake I made my mother and the story I wrote and illustrated to explain her present, and apaprently also because of the curry I made for Flat Dinner last night. Well, the curry’s not hugely creative, although it had cabbage in it for the first time ever, but the bathroom sure is clean and sparkling, as is the kitchen, and I bought a new shower curtain with gardenias on it. It’s clear, which is rad cos it lets in more light. And isn’t mouldy (and yes, I am still celebrating small achievements). When I showed it to Smoo he was like “well, I kind of wish you’d got one with dragons on it.” Smoo makes me laugh a lot. When I asked him what the proper ettiquite was when gentlemen callers have left their panties (okay, perhaps just underwear, but panties is so much more of a fun word, and wouldn’t it be amusing to think that I did someone who was wearing women’s underwear who wasn’t a woman? Yes) behind and you don’t think you will be seeing them again, he suggested starting a trophy wall. I could hang them between the pictures of STDs hanging on the lounge wall. Heh. What do YOU think the correct thing to do would be?

Anyways, today I felt bleh and also nauseous and then full of mysterious stomach pain, and then the buses didn’t happen, but finally I made it out to O’Bay, and had a swim with Karen out to the raft. Afterwards I sat dripping water on the decking and debated about whether to go home to my house like I really really wanted to do, or to go back to Karen’s to try on the dress she’s altering for me so that I have something to wear on Friday to the Tiki Tiki Party. The sewing won out in the end, via the supermarket so that we could have steak sandwiches with spinach pesto. I cooked the porterhouses rare, so they were succulent but soooooo chewy, and Karen made a mountain of super crunchy coleslaw, and so I chewed and chewed and chewed. Then when she was sewing, she told me to sing to her, trying to distract me from Q, and when I asked what, she said “Ten Green Bottles”. So I did. And she didbn’t ask me to stop, so I kept on going, for about 20 minutes. People should know not to have that kind of stand-off with me, because oh yes, I will be calling your bluff on that. So now both my jaw and my throat hurt. At least the muscle in the inside of my thigh has stopped aching, because man my sisters laughed at me as I limped around on Saturday. I told my parents it was a swimming injury, but it might actually have been a gym thing. Perhaps.

Fuck, I am exhausted. I had big ideas about what I wanted to write about, but mostly now I just want the cord so I can get online, post this and then lie down and vege. It’s 11pm already. Where did the time go?

Upcoming events: Craftwerk on Thursday, Tiki Tiki on Friday, Harvestbird on Saturday, then Fia’s birthday next Friday and Country Club: Australia on Saturday 24, not to mention Shirley and KateH both going to be in town next weekend. And then it’s Peti’s the week after and Bic Runga, and then two weeks after that we’re going to Martinborough and then it’s practically my birthday and Dead Rockstars, and then I must get out of town for New Year’s Eve…

Yesterday I was on fire. I discovered that my doctor had given me a three month prescription so she obviously doesn’t think I am at risk of taking all my pills at once.I went to the gym and wore a singlet instead of a tshirt because it was so fucking hot, and you know what? The world didn’t end. After work I met Karen and Anji and Lisa down by the lagoon. It was my intention to dive off the plank that’s up on the wharf there, but it was surrounded by squealling teenagers and much higher up than I realised, so Karen and I swam from the floating dock instead. The water was reaaaaaaally warm and nice and it was fun. But there were SO MANY PEOPLE THERE, I felt kind of watched. Eventually I decided that I’d hate myself if I didn’t jump off the plank – especially since it was my ambition to give it a go whilst sober and it being light outside in preperation for inevitable drunken night-swimming, but when I swam to the ladder I discovered that it didn’t go into the water and I didn’t have the arm strength to pull myself up onto it. And it would have been a dreadful hassle to go all the way around and back over the bridge just to jump in again, and while I am becoming more confident, the idea of that much walking around in my togs – hott as they are – in front of so many people wasn’t too appealing. So instead I will steal a photo that Lisa took to show how beautiful it was down there in the water:

Lisa is teh awesome photomagrapher

Then it was 6.30, so Lisa and I went up to the Boatshed for the Great Blend. It was too hot inside, so I got a glass of wine from the ladies at the bar who got nicer and nicer as the night went on, and while I shuddered at the fact that they only had Chardonnay, at least it was unoaked, but I will still blame it for my feeling so seedy today, and we ran away to sit in the shade outside and await Martha and talk about Hanson for some reason. We couldn’t think for ages of what the name of the ugly one was, and Lisa called him Baboon Face. I said that if there was a Q&A session in the talks, and they said did anyone have any questions, I would stand up and say “what is the oldest Hanson brother called? Can you tell me? No you can’t, because you don’t know, you don’t knooow oh oh oh” and then I laughed at myself lots, partly because I had some wine at work before I left. As it happens, Lisa was right and his name was Issac, which I didn’t think it could be because there was a Zack, but that’s short for Zachary. And then we went to meet Martha. I was briefly dismayed at how quickly she brushed me aside to go and meet a puppy-eater, but she came back and fufilled her BFF duties. Plus, she introduced me to fun people like Sally and Sue. And Glen bought me a glass of wine when I already had one, so I quickly looked a lot like a lush. Which is of course not at all how I really am. I talked to Tom and Kim about the magical transforming properties of a lei to make one fit in a tiki environment, and made fun of Stalker. The Back of the Y stuff was hilarious, and it was interesting to see what they’d done for MTV in the UK and how it was exactly the same stuff but much more expensive. I remembered watching it when I was living in Mt Roskill and thinking how awesome it was. I laughed a lot. The second panel was not quite as interesting to me, so I spent a while whispering stupid things to Sarah like “you have to marry one person on the panel – who is it?” (the answer is of course the guy who works for Google, cos duh, rich), before I decided to take myself outside and stop annoying her. So I talked to Joel for ages about what year a particular magazine was worse. We had very different opinions.Mostly I just drank and told everyone how much I wanted to jump off the plank. Sue told me she liked my blog and I was like “!!! I don’t have a blog!” but she redeemed herself instantly by saying that she had ordered the same swimsuit as me because it is so awesome. I introduced myself to Russell and also asked Che about his heart. Good times. The bar ladies seemed to love me even more. In fact, I’m pretty sure that everyone was digging my vibe. Eventually I slipped into the bathroom and slipped into my togs again, so when I left with a group of people I’d just met (I think), I strutted over to the plank and plunged in, followed by Sally. Hurrah! Night swimming is the most awesomeness. Sue carried my bag down to the lower dock for me, and I got changed in public. Lovely.

Then we went to Mighty Mighty and once again more good times were had. I wasn’t even embarrassed seeing Baby Hitler there and remembering how I’d asked him to dance and told off the DJ. Feeling good about yourself really does have positive flow on effects, it’s quite perplexing. I mean, it’s entirely possible that everyone did think I was a dick, but I don’t think so. I had lots of fun. On an extension of that topic, a while ago someone tried to insult me by leaving the comment “but I was just expressing my dismay at your blog [sic]; the purpose of which seems to documenting your desperation for a meaningless pash” and I was like “umm… duh! That’s the whole point of having an online journal, right?” – so in that vein I should declare that I “shared a taxi” home with a boy, which meant he had to wait with me on Ghuznee St while I called a Combined Taxi and babbled about my bad experiences with other companies. Later on the boy told me he saw my left boob when I was getting changed on the dock, which struck me as a most amusing thing to say, and then I laughed at him for a while teasing him about how he didn’t evne know what my name was – before I admitted I couldn’t think of what his was either. And tonight I bought Smoo pizza to make up for the fact that he said he’d gone to sleep with his eaphones in playing music and yet we’d still woken him up. Heh.

Maree emailed me this afternoon to rave about the article in Next with me in it that has apparently come out now, but all I could find was the February issue, not the March one. She said I sounded intelligent and that the photo was gorgeous. Hurrah! That made things more gooder today. I was grateful that I had many mindless web updates to do (adding in div id=”page” tags to about 20 pages and so forth) because I was somewhat tired and not feeling in the best health. I also seem to have bruises on every part of my body, a hole in the bottom of my foot, a cut-up toe from last Friday night when I peed under the X-Air hump, and a lump in my arm. I also had a couple of knots in my hair about the size of my fist that took half an hour of brushing to get out. I like salt water in my fringe, but man, I really should have combed my hair a little more often this week. Tomorrow Lani’s moving in, hurrah ,and then I am going to Ngaio for my Mummy’s birthday party. All in all, things are pretty fucking awesome. Everyone loves me. Including me, right now.

Smart readers would know that the large gaps in updates are probably due to an increase in bad feelings for me, specifically Rising Anxiousness. This has resulted in some unpleasantness, as it tends to, but I’m hoping that more exercise, having Xmas sorted out now and having two weeks off will help the anxiousness to settle down. And if it doesn’t, well, government job = free intial counselling. WahoO!

So where we left off was with me heading out to the Matterho for Kart’s birthday, which luckily quickly moved up to Mighty Mighty, which wasn’t very busy cos it was a Wednesday after all so we could move a couple of tables together easily.

Ash with porcelain skin poses with porcelain dog

Kartini models a shirt from Helen’s shop, Modern Love

Haha. Awesome photo placement.

I talked about Japan with a couple of people who’d also lived in Tokyo – one working as a hostess – and also started crying on Kartini’s shoulder about “why don’t people like me? What more do I have to do? I never get invitations to anything – you only invited me tonight because I emailed you to see if you wanted to go to lunch. I feel like I’m in seventh grade again blah blah blah blah” because I am really awesome. I was really stoked about that. Especially when I did it again on the balcony at San Frindigo later that night onto Ash’s shoulder this time.

But apart from that, it was a really good time. It was pretty much just us there, so we were all out on the balcony because they’re all filthy smokers (in fact, there’s now a Molly Ringwald badge covering the fucking cigarette burn on my bag), and some random munter showed up looking for whores, confused by the Bathhouse sign out the front (like people used to do occasionally when Anji and Karen lived in the Moonlight Lounge. Except that dude, this guy seemed to be looking for female companionship, so what kind of idiot would go to a place called the San Francisco bathhouse?). I suggested that maybe he should go down to Oasis Massage on Ghuznee St (how do I know where the nearest brothel is? I just keep my eyes open I guess), but he kept hanging around, trying to give us his drink (“it’s a double!” like that was some strange way for liquor to be served) and being sleazy. I think eventually Kristen went to speak to a bouncer about him and he got thrown out. Speaking of dodgy:

I have no idea who that guy is, or what’s going on. I don’t remember taking this picture

Look! Friends! People who like me! And I just need to remember that more often, even if they don’t come to my parties all the time

On Thursday I was feeling a little fragile, and puked up my Revive coffee before we went for our team lunch at Logan Brown, so I chose to take the taxi up with a couple of the late people rather than walk up with the Comms team, so I was at the other end of the table with our director and the head of HR. I tried to keep my head down and just enjoy my gazpacho, asparagus, turkey confit and chocolate velvet, but I found myself babbling more about how nice it was to work for an agency of good if I hadn’t been drinking on a hangover. And I should point out that the tax payer only paid $15 of our lunches, just in case you were worried. And then I tried to Xmas shop but only found things I wanted to buy for myself like art at Popup. Oh, but I did get Lisa a bobble-head Jesus to put in her car to keep us safe when we drive up to the BDO. Mmm sacreligious.

On Friday we had our Comms team planning day all day. It was interesting doing our group working profiles, and mapping out what we want to do with our website and so on, but I was in a terrible grump of a mood due to not getting to eat breakfast and then not breaking for coffee until 11.45. Still, it’s nice to work somewhere that does actually have a clear comms strategy, and part of it felt a bit West Wingy, and also we all know what we’re doing now. And 3/4 of us are exceptionally extroverted, and I am more practical and analytical than the others. Hurrah. Which means that the best ways to “link” with me are as follows:

That night I saw BartBart for the first time in a million years, and also Lisa. We watched the Tommy Lee/Pamela Anderson video on my laptop which Bart was holding on his lap, and of course it’s all shot from POV, so ha ha, Bart got fucked by Tommy Lee. Good times.

On Saturday, I had my work party at the Hataitai bowling club. It turns out I’m not as sucky at bowling as I thought I might be, so joining is definitely on the cards. I felt not terribly comfy at the party though – I was just talking to the Comms team mostly who all had their partners/husbands there, and so I snuck out right after dinner. Besides, later that night Lisa Karen and I went to A Low Hum to see Ghostplane. The doors of Frindigo were still shut when we got there, so we went to Midnight Espresso and Lisa inspired me to have a coke spider, so I bounced off the walls for a while. It truly is an awesome drink. Signer who played before Ghostplane were interesting sometimes, especially in the really poundy songs (they have Dino from HDU/the current incarnation of Dimmer on drums, hence the power), but sometimes they were too clicks and beepy. And you know I feel a bit funny about Aspen. I hadn’t seen Ghostplane play since I’ve become friends with Ash, so that was very cool. But after that we decided that we were old and tired and went home.

On Sunday I tidied the house and went up to Ngaio to get Mum and Neil’s Xmas tree stand, and then I got a tree and went to the Warehouse for decorations, and ended up with this result:

My tree by day – spot all the newspaper-wrapped but beribboned presents. That’s my way of saving the environment

With the lights on. And yes, I did buy the baubles especially to match that sari

On Monday (wow, this is starting to get really boring) I asked for a reassessment at the gym, figuring it would be good to get it in now in case things get a bit kaput over my holiday. I was exactly the same weight, but my body fat percentage had gone down a tiny bit, as had my resting heart rate, which was encouraging. HOWEVER! Four weeks ago, I had perfect blood pressure, but as she was taking it again I said “i bet it’s higher now” because I’ve been feeling so fucking stressed out. It was so high that she took it again to see if it was right. Five more points and she’d tell me to go to a doctor. Holy crap! I’ve always had good blood pressure. I was like “I only came to the gym once last week, and it’s Xmas organising and stuff – I think if I do some radsville cardio today I’ll be a lot better”. But now I can still feel it in my chest, carrying around that ball of stress that doesn’t want to go away. It’s not choice. The anxiousness seems to be rising – hence the crying. I’m hoping the holiday will do me some good. It should do. Hopefully it can make my self-esteem fuck the fuck up a bit too.

Another thing that has added to the cry factor this week is remembering how this time last year we were spending time at the hospital with Oma, and then how on the 22nd, well, you know. Mum rang me to say thanks for the orchids I had sent to her on Friday, and I cried at my desk with a glass of champagne in my hands while my workmates yacked it up in the kitchen. But I pulled myself together by the time that Martha came to pick me up in her sexyass new Mini Cooper. I want one too! We went to Noel Leeming for cellphone goodness for her and DVD recorder joy for me. Well, it’s more joyous now that I found an all region crack for it on the interweb, but I also read bad reviews of it. Stink.

Yesterday there was shopping insanity at Woolworths, but I have everything in stock now except for fresh cream for the many coursed Xmas Dinner Karen and I mapped out on Thursday before a pretty fucking mediocre dinner at Scopa which has so gone off my recommendation list. Everyone in the family (yes, all five of us) has received explicit instructions in regards to wine to be matched with each course, and what kind of cheeses they are to bring, and so on and so forth. Match that with the fact that I only bought two Xmas presents not from the interweb – and one of those has now gone to Anji to give to Neil in a present reshuffle, and I’m like, totally in control. My to-do list is meanwhile detailed down to the “fill CD player with good music” “Make ice” “chill bubbly” instructions. Mostly I just have to tidy, vacuum and decorate the table. Until then I will watch DVDs with Lisa and enjoy Sebastian’s company. And also enjoy how fucking clean the bathroom and kitchen floors are. Ahhh exterme mopping, how calming you are. Sort of.

Once again, it appears that it’s time for all the media to talk about the Man Drought (Or perhaps a woman drought?). There’s nothing like a pointless circlejerk on a slow news day is there? But perhaps I’m just grumpy because of it being the Xmas party season and all, and so therefore I could do with a partner to take to my assorted work parties (and so I could go to theirs!) so I could have someone to talk to, but instead, I will console myself with the fact that tomorrow I have to change my work’s website to reflect something that’s happening in the news RIGHT NOW. Oooh political!

Hmm, I like yesterday’s starting paragraph better when I got to mention cunt juice as the very first thing. Today I went to a seminar on digital archiving (I left in the coffee break because it turned out to not really be applicable to me), and one of the men speaking said something about “discharge” and I had to restrain myself from giggling inappropriately as I was surrounded by librarian types. But I did decide that I need to submit Hubris to the National Library archiving system so that people in 10,000 years will still be using the term “mangoing”.

My home life is about as exciting. I’m stoked that my return to regular gyming has led to an increase in energy. Today I actually got a massage at lunchtime instead, on the gym’s weirdass robot massager, that’s like a combination of a waterbed and a spa pool. You lie down on it, fully clothed, and jets of water work up and down your body, but underneath plastic so you don’t get wet. It lights up inside in all different colours as the cycle goes around, but it makes a hell of a noise so I turned up Sigur Ros in my iPod, shut my eyes and felt like I was flying. Mmm vibratory. But yes, increased energy. I walked up the waterfront after work, basking in the glorious weather, but arrived at the Costume Cave too late to find myself a wig for a Swedish outfit for Country Club on Saturday.

So I came home and cleaned the fridge, and took photos of it for your viewing pleasure.

Yes, this is the entire contents of the fridge Smoo and I use. If you want to see a close-up that points out how most things are cocktail ingrediants, check out this picture.

The shiny clean fridge once I was done with it.

Yes, I am embarrassed by it too. So I went out after I had finished cleaning it and bought an eggplant and some strawberries and apples, which are destined for a cake for Sweden. Because everyone knows Swedish apple cakes are almost as famous as their meatballs (which I am also making), right? And while we’re asking questions, does anyone know anything about fridges? Because ours isn’t as cold as it should be and we don’t know why. And yes, we’ve turned it to its coldest setting. The freezer seems fine though.

Now post a picture of your fridge or pantry. Go on. It’s what the cool kids do before they get offline to go watch The Insiders[sic] Guide to Happiness which they just got. Hurrah!