Hubris.co.nz

July 5th, 2002

I’ve been reading through my old reports, because Mum found an envelope of them, and it’s extraordinary the story that they tell; at the American school I started out really smart and full of enthusiasm and blasting my way out of the remedial writing class they stuck me in thinking that I was a ‘dumb Australian’, and then as I got into seventh grade, comments read like “Joanna does not participate as much in class as she used to” and my marks start falling and there’s even “I believe underlying problems may be affecting her results”. Oh really? Underlying problems like ooooooh maybe I was being bullied every day, and I was fucking miserable and I wanted to die? Do you think that might have affected my marks. FUCK YOU to every single fucking teacher at ASIJ. Just looking at the reports, it’s so fucking obvious what was happening to me, and what the fuck did they do about it? Nothing. And my mother just now is like “Should we have taken you to a shrink so that you could realyl have fit in with those Americans?” Well, yes, maybe, Mum. Or maybe you could have spent at least one day in those four years not telling me how miserable you were, and tried to make things a little easier for me. This is so pathetic of me; this stuff was like, ten years ago, and it’s making me cry right now. I’m okay, I survived it all – thank god for Beth Dodd arriving at ASIJ in 8th grade, and for Lisa Gonser and Ryan Rimschnider leaving at the end of 7th grade.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.

Last night, I went around to Fatty Si’s house. We went adn got coffee at Midnight Espresson, and then rented DVDs – Zoolander and Nurse Betty. We chatted and hung out and stuff. It was cool. He said that a long long time ago, his girlfriend at the time, Heidi, used to worry about me before she met me, cos he talked about me a lot, but then she met me and thought I was super cool and loved me. As soon as you actually meet me, you realise that there’s no way I could take your boyfriend away from you, even if I wanted to, which I don’t, ever. Ladies, I am not a threat to your man! Statistically speaking, I am far more likely to score your girlfriend. I’ve only slept with one guy who had a girlfriend, and she was far too good for him anyways (as was I, which is probably one of the main motivating factors for me to do it, since it was in the six months I spent last year trying to reach rock bottom). On the drive home, through the wilderness of Wilton, I suddenly started feeling very lonely. It was a little odd.

Now I am sitting in the very warm lounge listening to the Topless Women Talk About Their Lives soundtrack (I love this album so much, although the current association i have with it is of a sweet boy’s white bum shining in the dark as he bent over to put it on at my request), and thinking about doing some writign that i told someone I’d do for them, which I wish I hadn’t. I’m too nice, I think. But my word is my word and I hate to let people down. Maybe I’ll work on it tonight when I come home leeringly drunk from “a quiet dinner” with KateB. We’ll go BYO, drink two bottles’o wine and see where the night takes us. I get to see my baby girl again, YAY. Then I just have to spend lots’o time with Karen, Anji, go visit Oma, see Fatty again, see Hulita, adn maybe call the Rimu Crew (Bopha’s old flat). It’s probably just as well that the Welly Massive doesn’t really seem to exist anymore – Ayna’s on holiday in Indonesia and Daniel moved to Korea to teach English, cos i probably don’t have the time and energy to take e and go out dancing for hours and hours and hours.

Monday 15; Febuary, 1999

Trudie: “Whenever I hear the word ‘stalker’ I think of you, Joanna”

Ten thirty am, the phone rings. I figure it’s either not for me, or it’s Shirley, so I drag my ass outta bed a little while later to check the message. I was right – it WAS Shirley. So I rang her back, and she told me that she and Trudie were meeting up with Dee in Mission Bay at 2pm, and did I want to come along? Of course I did! So she said that Trudie could pick me up on her way in – Trudie’s flatting with Shirley now, you see. So yeah. Since I was already up at that god awful hour, I figured I may as well be domesticated, so I did the dishes, and hung out the (still icky) curtains on the line. Man, it was so foul – something in them turned the water & bleach all yellow, so it looked like they were soaking in piss. How’s that for a nice visual?

So yeah, after doing all that, I went back to bed. But I couldn’t get back to sleep because it was so light outside, and there’s construction happening just up the road. I just laid down for a while instead. Last night, I couldn’t sleep either so I lay in bed and listened to the whole of Little Earthquakes. I wish that I could turn my brain off at night, so that I don’t have a billion and one thoughts racing through my head at all times. I wish I could various stuff in my life straighted out, cos it’s all so weird right now. I wish – well – I wish a lot.

Eventually, after I’d showered and asked Clayton how his night had been (including a “spare me details please”) I heard my cellphone ringing. It was Trudie, asking me where I live – cos she didn’t know, and Shirley hadn’t considered that. So yeah, cellphones are good because Trudie didn’t have my real number, and I think Clayton was on the phone anyways. So yeah, she came over, and just before she got here, Shirley rang to ask us to go BACK to their place to pick her up, but apparently, it was on the way anyways. Off we puttered in Buttercup, Trudie’s bright yellow old Honda Civic. I say putter, because she drove UNDER the speed limit the whole way, which is a concept that’s kind of new to me, given the kind of riffraff I generally hang out with.

Anyways, we met up with Dee eventually, and settled down in a cafe I remember from a year ago while frantically flathunting. Dee, being 20, popped around the corner to the bottle store, and so we had byo bubbly (apparently she got stuff that was like $20 a bottle too) and plates of food to share. And of course, a great big huge long gossip session. Maaaan we all can talk. I was kinda nasty as usual, but they all know I don’t mean it. They talked about CRICKET though, for fucks sake! So yeah. Then we went and got icecream. Then Shirley and Dee got Burger King. Mmmmmm and yet they’re still the tiniest people in the world. I feel like such a freak walking out with them, cos I’m about a foot taller – and that’s hardly an exageration.

So yeah anyways, we swung past Shirley’s so that I could liberate their fudge cake (they’d had too much of it) so in return I gave them half the huge bag of plums that Clayton’s granny had given us. We weren’t going to be able to eat them before they rotted. So yeah.

Make-Out Monday, veging in front of the TV. Clayton cooked dinner, for Layton the Lurker as well who’d shown up. Maybe I shouldn’t be so harsh, because he did give me a mouse pad – one that even has wrist support too – Yay. But still, he’s just – I dunno……. weird. I can’t wait till Sisi gets back so there’s someone that I can be completely relaxed around about.

I have to go into town for Orientation tommorrow, and maybe do a little bit of stalking. We’ll see. Arrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggg I’ve got such a sugar rush right now, and I’m just going really mental and there’s like, no one online right now to talk to except for Heidi, and much as I love her, she’s not as good to gossip to as Andee. I misssssssssss Andee. Sure, she’s supposed to come and stay this weekend, but I need her NOW, dammit!

Friday 29; January, 1999
I figured it was time I tried to make this page look a tiny bit more classy, so here we are. Typing inside a frame because it’s easier that way. Is that okay? Ooooh, I’m liking the slight change in colour-scheme. I hope you’re liking it too. After all, without you, I’m nothing.

The orange goes so well with the purple, and it’s my little tribute to Jo, too. I miss her stacks. The summer of 97/98 I spent mostly with Amy – when I wasn’t with Matt – but this summer I spent most of my time with Jo, so I’m just used to being able to drive over to Miramar, pick her up and go to the beach or town or whatever. Of course now though, I’m in Auckland, and she’s in Christchurch, hopefully doing okay. Xoxoxoxo to you when you read this, hon.

Gosh, I’m being so damn cliquey in this entry today, huh? I know through one of my many counters (yes, I’m obsessed) where people are finding this site from. Most of the people who read my journal have it bookmarked. Others come to Ego Much? from Holloway, Green Oatmeal and also another site where I have some writing posted. (Oh, is there a missing link there? What, AGAIN? Man, I must be forgetful). Talking about Green Oatmeal, I really do suggest that you go and look at it. I was so thrilled when I went back today and discovered that Beth has a JOURNAL up now. She’s so funny, I love her site to bits.

Oh yeah, and speaking of worship (yes, I know this entry is turning just completly self indulgent and internet-people obsessed) Holloway Matthew had some really really interesting things to say about reading other people’s pages which I’d quote, except it’s like too long, so go here and read it for yourself. He gets brownie points for listing me as a ‘really great person’. Wahoo.

I watched Havoc tonight, which probably explains why I’m being so stuck up and self-indulgent. It was their big-day-out special and all the Hole footage made me go “awwwwwwww” and want to be back there. It was a truely truely mind blowing experiance. I love Courtney Love, so I thought all her banter was great, but I guess I can see how people who didn’t like her would hate it. Maybe that’s what my page is like – to a great lesser extent. I mean, I know there are people who enjoy reading it, because they like me. I also know there are people who don’t enjoy reading it, because they don’t like me. Quick question then – WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU HERE? Everyone can ask themselves that, not just the people who dislike me.

Other things that are noteworthy – ummm there’s more stuff on the Written page in case I didn’t already mention that. It’s all old stuff, but now it’s actually linked to. Also I updated my Leaving page, making it far more snobby, so that it’s all sites that I actually respect. No more links to ugly pages from people I know off IRC that really have very little to offer. Fuck I’m nasty these days. Oh well.

I had the worst night’s sleep ever – I had to get up at 5.30am cos I was too hot, and bitten and stuff, so I booted up my computer and talked to Heidi – that’s Simon’s girlfriend who’s back in Finland now. We’re starting a brothel together. She rocks so much – me and Jo taught her all our annoying little sayings (“you’re malcolm”, “on the piss”, “sucks to my asthma” etc) and she’s still using them, and is doing her best to spread them around. The landlord rang me out of bed at 9am, and came around half an hour later with the locksmith – so that’s definatly worth getting up for. Layton’s bed and desk got delivered, and he himself arrived. I talked to him for a while, then had to excuse myself at 11.30am to go back to bed, where I slept for four hours. I just didn’t know what to talk to him about. Clayton’s moving in on Sunday, so hopefully things will be easier after then. The problem is that I’ve sort of settled into a routine having lived here for a week either by myself, or just with Simon who has pretty much the same habits as me (wake after 12pm, bum around all day online, eat dinner as the first meal of the day, then eat toast at night until about 2am then go to bed). I know I’ll have to get out of that pattern once tech starts up again, but still…. I wonder what it’ll be like living with two people I hardly know that I’m expected to interact with.

Anyways, so that’s probably enough for tonight. Oh yeah, just a little request – PLEASE sign my guestbook if you’re new here, or sign it anyways. I’d love to know what sort of people are reading about me and stuff. Market research and all that.

I’m listening to the Tank Girl soundtrack right now. I miss L7. I miss Grrly 5th form, and Cyst – the zine I made with Penny and Sarah that consisted entirely of putting down Room 6 people.