Hubris.co.nz

On Friday, I made hte long drive up to Paraparaumu to see Oma. Pretty much as soon as I got there she said “You look fatter than when I last saw you! Have you put on weight?” Thanks Oma. And she kept reiterating it all through lunch, while trying to get me to have seconds. Hmmm. But it was still kinda cool. We talked about opera and April Fools and other stuff, as you do. After an hour and a half, I figured that was enough so I went home.

In the evening i made blackbean eggplant stirfry and there were lots of txts and phonecalls to coordinate our activities. Eventually Anji and I headed over to Ayna’s to listen to play records and chill before going out (just to be different). Charlotte and Alex came over, and so that was excellent because they’re both absolutely lovely. Charlotte used to flat with Bopa in Welly and she said that Bopa is mellow and tidy, which is very good news. And Alex is just a total sweetheart. Fatty showed p too, and him Anji and I headed down to Sub9 for DJ Zinc. The others were gonna follow us later.

Half a green alligator later, it was all excellent. When we started dancing, the dancefloor was empty, so it was really interesting to see what Sub9′s actual layout was like (“Oooh, so that’s where that hot chick snogged me before you scared her off at New Years, fatty!). and At first it was more cafe-ish music, and I wanted more “baaaaaaaaaaaaummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm” farting sorta bass, but it got there. I like dancing! Dancing number one excellent fun. I wish I could dance like the people who move their feet around lots and lots and lots though. I like watching people in Wellington dance. Si being the dear sweet boy that he is kept coming up to me to run his fingers up my neck and along my shoulders and up and down my back to make me giggle in pleasure. Tehehe, I like people touching me like that in those circumstances. Strangely enough though, he ran away when I told him that he was making my nipples errect. Dance dance dance. There was a pretty green laser shooting at the floor near me opening up portals when it wasn’t being a cloverleaf. However, at one stage, I had a freakout, cos the people were all too close and it was hot and well, you know how claustraphobic I get when people are bumping me so Anji and I went outside for a bit to chill.

When we went back in, we decided to dance in the bit between the door and the main dancefloor, which was completely empty so there was lots and lots and lots of room to go crazy in, so we did. It was funnn. I like dancing like a mad dancing thing. So we danced and danced and danced and danced. And danced. Etc. Etc. Eventually I went to the bathroom and it felt so weird to be walking that I was almost convinced that my feet were floating. My stomach started to complain after a second red bull and my temple hurt and both Anji and I were weary so we agreed that we’d had an excellent night and that we should end it on an up note, and so we left. We gave the taxi driver directions in stereo and he laughed at us. Whilst walking up the hill, I realised that it was raining adn that the rain felt absolutely lovely on my skin, little kisses from angels all over me so I stood in it for a very long time, while Anji laughed at me from the inside. In the lounge, Xmas lights were turned on and m2, and she rolled a wooden massager all over me and I was very very blissful. Then she gave me a valium and so I took a shower and had lovely lovely sleep.

Today I had coffee with Hulita at Olive which was cool, cos their cappachinos are the best in the entire country, and it was of course wonderful to see her again. Then I went home and went back to bed, because i was more than a little tired from the previous night. In the evening me and Mum&Neil went over to the Bentons’ for dinner. KateB and I giggled together lots, as we do, and our new cussword is “Bunny Rabbits” in any form or variation. We also had a big big arguement about exploitation with her dad which is too hard to explain here, but basically involves a British movie star currently featuring in a movie that’s fairly significant movie to NZ, and a boy we went to high school with. And we played Balderdash, good wholesoem fun, and I won. ANd now I am super tired so I will go read more ‘Survivor and go to bed, probably.

Right now I’m like 700km away from where I was the last time you heard from me, and you probably had no idea that i was flying back to Auckland today. Bless snap decisions and also online booking for freedom air. KateB said that she probably wasn’t going to drive back up to Auckland until Sunday,and I couldn’t wait that long because I have stuff to do up here. And so I flew. And so here I am. And my computer is sitting on a box and I’m lying across my bed, because suprise suprise, no further work has been done on my room. Maybe I should get drunk so that tomorrow I can have a hangover, because that way I’m bound to get woken up by tradespeople. But then again, I had a semi hangover this morning, mostly due to an intense lack’o sleep, so maybe not.

Last night I got a txt message from Ayna saying “we shd jst get a bottle and get fckd at hm like the old dayz” and so that’s what we did. It makes me laugh that “the old days” that she was referring to was Christmas/New Years, but she meant it in that sense. So we drank vodka and gossiped and talked and talked and talked and eventually she made me go into town. We went to Jet Lounge but then realised that neither of us actually wanted another drink (i know, strange!) so we went home and crashed out instead. Her bed is really short, plus she woke up a couple of hours later and couldn’t get back to sleep, and since I was sharing her bed, I couldn’t sleep either which was really annoying. Around 6am she went to play on her decks and I finally managed a couple of hours sleep, only to dream about being woken up by my mother calling to find myself covered in paint. Odd.

Eventually my mother really did call, and Anji picked me up and took me home so i could shower and nap and pack. Then Mum droppped me off in town so that i could have lunch with Hulita. We had Malaysian at Roti, and the roti was reaaally yummy. And then it was off to the airport with me.

I’m really hot and itchy now, so I might stop writing. Excellent.

Tuesday 26; January, 1999

Ahhhh sweet nothing days. Bliss. Umm. Did I do anything today? Not really. Let’s see. Hmm. Nope, still nothing.

Simon’s friend Don was around for a while. He has really ugly tattoos and he’s a total slut too. Slept with so many chicks off chat. Lame lame lame. Chat’s lost all its thrill for me now – which is a good thing. Basically the only person I talk to on a regular basis on there is Andee, now that I’m living with Simon and Hulita is still overseas.

Clayton and his friend Lucy came around in the evening, and we watched some of the globes. Apparently, Layton is 25. Lucy warned me that Layton is boring, and that he’ll probably ask me out. Well, I don’t think that’s too likely, but oh great – a boring flatmate.

Anyways, I have nothing to say, sorry. Except the stalker was a silly girl called Tammie – go figure.

I’ve so got to get a job.

Friday the 8th of January, 1999
Penny and her boyfriend Graeme came around to see me this afternoon. He was like, old, and had a beard. Well, he’s 23 I think, but that just seems so old because in my mind, Penny will always be 15. He’s a navy guy too, and he was quite quiet. We showed him some of the drawings Penny did back in school of Ms Caldwell – naturally he was shocked. She’s a worry, man! Or she used to be anyways. It’s weird to think that she has a boyfriend now, because we were so single together throughout all of school.

In the evening, I went with Jo to a party in Te Aro. The house was up on a hill, and we had to park waaaaaay up the street because the road was so narrow and otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to park properly because I suck. The house was really cool, sorta half in the middle of renovations, but it was very styley. I had a glass of really yummy punch but that’s all I could have cos I was driving and it was leathel. So yeah, I was sober, which probably didn’t help much.

People were having such bullshit conversations, man, like “what do you think about about the pyramids”. God, three thousand years from now, will people think that the Sky Tower was built for religious reasons? I had to tune out of that conversation before I opened my mouth, so instead I zoomed in on a bunch of dishy guys. That was choice until they started talking about starwars. Am I just too cynical? Cos I swear to god, they were like getting turned on by the trailer for the new ones and shit.

Eventually I just went into this quiet room lit by candles and went and laid down on a sofa for like an hour, staring at a trippy screen saver. Then Reece, who was definatly my Eye Candy for the night, and this guy Jeremy who is friends with my friend Hulita, but who’s also in Vision, came in and started playing around on a music making thing. Yeah, good grasp of terminology there, Joanna!!! It was um some sampler& beat thingie or something. So they started playing techno on it, so I danced for a long time which was choice.

Yeah, that’s about it, eh. They were spinning some funky ass old hip hop in the red room, but there were so many Goths and boganny people that I didn’t know in that room. I’m sure goths are all nice as individuals, but they seem so set in their culture that I don’t belong to that they don’t strike me as being very approachable. You know what I mean? If you do, you’re doing bettter than me.

I shouldn’t drive around by myself at night, or space out and think. I’ve figured out too much about myself now, and I’m really not liking what I’m seeing. People have told me they like my journal because it’s happy – I guess that idea’s gone now. I’m so thinking of stopping doing this, or maybe starting up a second journal

Wednesday, November 25th

Tahoma. That’s my font. Yeah. Annnnnnnyways.

What do I have to say for myself? Not a great deal actually. I can tell you about my really weird dream though. Okay. I was back in Auckland, walking around, and for some reason I came across my friend, and his ex girlfriend, and her friend Helena, whose page I’m always reading. I’ve never met the ex, or Helena, but both of them looked completly different from photos I’ve seen, and they were completly different from their webpages – and by that I mean they were all sunny and happy and friendly, not at all dramatic or angry. Helena took us up to her flat and it was HUGE. It just went on for ages and ages, all brand new and flash, although she said she only paid $100 rent a week. I remember walking around in it, asking her where each single piece of furniture came from, because it was all so cool. So yeah, anyways, that was just a dream. They really really liked me in the dream, and I just felt like I was completely on their level, which is different from real life I guess. I go and read Helena’s guestbook every so often – there are like 1600 entries now, and it’s such a clique, and it’s kind of amusing. Like, I fully respect her honesty and her strength, and her writing blows me away, but I dunno – there’s just something not quite right about her attitude. In my opinion anyways. I guess that’s the trouble with fan clubs. They make your head swell. Isn’t it about time you signed my guestbook?

Honesty and strength huh? Two things I pride myself on, two things that I lie to myself about. When I was writing up my Born page, I was all “I am Happy” and it’s true – just that there are things that worry me. I’m not perfect, and no man is an island. That’s choice though – I guess it’s just a question of looking at the WHOLE picture, rather than the little fragments. And as a WHOLE, I am blissfully happy. I’m going to a “Where the Wild Things Are” partay on Saturday at Anji’s flat, and if we’re both less sick, it’ll be fucking fantastic.

I’m so fully in shock when people make comments about stuff in my journal to me. Hulita and Andee read through ALL of Lovesong – now that is dedication! It’s also sorta psycho, but that’s okay – if any of you guys had online journals, I’d be the first to read it. Voyers’R Us.

Anyways, speaking of Lovesong, I realised that I only included like, the love songs in there. Now, that might sound obvious, but they’re not the only songs that move me – although they are generally Happy Memory songs, despite the fuckedupedness of it all. There are songs like “Daughter” by Pearl Jam that make me want to cry – that one’s the song I always pair with Emily – a girl I know who died of a brain tumour. Then there are songs like “Sweet Child of Mine” by GNR that really scare me. They played that at Dee’s party, and while all my friends were going crazy, I had to go outside to escape. My immediate reaction was to head for the toilet, then I realised that was the worst place I could go.

So I was sitting outside, enjoying the solitude when Brad came out so I had to talk to him. He probably figured I was completly drunk and on the verge of puking or something, which was totally not true. I had so little to drink at the party – I guess that’s the benifit of drinking in bars where you have to pay lots for each individual drink. It was still an enormasly cool party. I was first on the dance floor (Derek made us go onto it when they played the Backstreet Boys) and like last to leave.

It was really lovely, cos at the end of the night, they played “Loyal” and all of us – it was mostly Tutorial D people left – just stood in a circle with our arms around each other. Yes, cheesy and sweaty I know, but hey! I can’t believe how fast this year has gone by, and how much I’ve changed.

Who would have known at the start of the year that I’d dance publicly when not drunk? Or that I’d get so into the TMI I’d put my diary online?