Hubris.co.nz

Remember how last week I was all bawling my eyes out cos I slipped down the stairs, and then I was like “this is how I am going to die, alone and old”? No? Well it definitely stuck in my mind, and seems especially stupid and/or poignant today. Oma had a stroke on Saturday night. When Mum rang me today on my cellie I was like “oh man, I so can’t be assed answering this” cos I thought she’d be hassling me to write her a brochure, but I decided the grumpy answerphone message would be even worse, so I answered and found out that Oma was in hospital and that they didn’t know how long it’d been between the stroke and when she finally managed to push her panic button. Mum had slept about three hours and she wanted us to go to the hospital to see Oma.

I hate hospitals. That’s a dumb thing to say, because of course, I don’t think that there’s anyone who actually likes them. But the idea of death, or mortality, or any kind of situation that I can’t do anything to fix scares the crap out of me. I feel really fucking useless and I don’t know what to say. I fall to pieces. It all seems like foreshadowing to me. That said, it was easier to go there with Anji and Karen by my side, except when we got to Oma’s ward, she was asleep, and neither my mother or my aunt was there, so we didn’t know what to do. We found some seats further down the corridor and I suggested that maybe we should go and get coffee while we waited for my dad to text me back and/or for Oma to wake up. When we were strolling out through the maze of hospitalness, our aunt drove up, so that was good. We went to The Ballroom, and when we got back up, Oma was awake.

She was struggling to talk, only managing about two words at a time, and what with her being deaf, and also us not speaking Dutch, it was really hard – at one stage we could see that she was close to tears with frustration. but she was glad to see us and seemed to perk up some. She was covered in bruises from falling over though, and so battered. Oma’s always been tiny, but she seemed even smaller. So fragile. I just made stupid jokes. The old lady in the bed opposite us lent us her chair because she said no one would be coming to visit her and I wanted to cry some more. They don’t know if Oma’s speech is going to be permanently affected, and obviously she can’t go on living by herself anymore. I haven’t even called my mother to see how she’s doing, although Anji talked to her.

I don’t want to get old.

It’s funny seeing your old workmates on TV. I still <3 the Brandon Calhoon lookalike and the young gumshoe and the girl who shows her nipples while drunk , and the guy who was the only one of my workmates to come to my flatwarming afternoon tea muchly, but it's like someone said on NZm tonight, if you wanna talk conspiracy theories, my, what splendid timing! (This is some degree of sarcasm, okay? Good. So excuse me if I seem a little b-wordy tonight, I’ll get to the oh the pain angst real soon. I promise!)

Or, as I said tonight:

Jo Hubris says: wow that’s a bad dress

* says: which channel?

Jo Hubris says: 1
it’lll be on 3 as well

* says: hahaha russell

Jo Hubris says: hahaha drink!

* says: hahahaa!
man, the whole current affairs thing just keeps becoming more and more of a massive circle-jerk

Jo Hubris says:
that’s what I’ve been saying for YEARS
YEARS AND YEARS

* says: yeah
but I only really noticed recently

(speaking of which)

Jo Hubris says: Robyn got two PA shoutouts today

* says: yeah, noticed
I was a bit disappointed with her poem

Jo Hubris says:
yeah
i wrote nzidol slash tonight
it was much better

It was late one night at the Idol House, and Steve(n) had eaten so many Allen’s lollies that he couldn’t sleep. The sounds from the bed next to him suggested that his special room buddy Jesse wasn’t asleep either.

Jesse thought for a minute, and then realised that as a married man, it was his duty to fill Steve(n) in on a few details, so he did.
“Jesse,” said Steve(n) finally, “I want to save myself for marriage, but right now I’m just so frustrated, and my shiny young manhood is longing to find shelter. I know it would be wrong to sleep with a girl before we were married, but do you think…”
Steve(n) didn’t get to finish his sentence because he immediately felt a crushing weight on him.
“Steve my boy, tonight I’m going to show you no ordinary love. I’m going to take you higher. I’m going to teach you the missionary position” promised Jesse as he waggled his fingers in…..

Hahhaha.

And now the angst! After the black holes in Friday night, I was afraid to go into work, which meant that I got almost zero sleep, and then combind that with Daylight Savings, which even my internet boyfriend hates and it’s just a recipe for badness. And to make things worse, I ended up feeling like a character learning her lesson in an episode of The Brady Bunch, learning a valuable lesson never to gossip again – oh the snappage. But no one said anything bad, so that’s a good thing. Still, stupid having to shop after work, and stupid groceries whilst standing on the bus, and stupid non moving people, and stupid heat and stupid stupid uncomfortable shoes and then when I slipped on the outside back steps cos of the rain and fell and jammed my feet really hard again seperate walls, and arms and limbs went akimbo and I screamed I found that all I could do was sit there and howl for a good ten minutes, because this is how I am going to die when I am old and alone.

I’ve had my left foot elevated all night with ice on it earlier on, but it’s so fucking sore, and so is my neck, and so is my other foot, and so are my wrists. Time to break out the codeine shortly. Mmmm codeine…

Also, hurray, no more merkin!