Hubris.co.nz

I’m so very very tired, and it’s not even ten pm yet, so if I go to sleep now, I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to sleep again. What a dilema! But oh my god, I’m just so so tired. Clay has Kara and another couple over for dinner, and when we were all sitting around the dining room table, eating by candlelight, I nearly keeled over into my bowl of soup.

I should call Shirley, because I haven’t talked to her in literally a week, which is a long time to go without one of your best friends. Maybe she’s annoyed at me because the last thing I said to her after the Dinner last thursday was me calling her the name that’s synomymus with all things skanky to us in jest. Or maybe she thinks I’m mad at her. Or maybe she’s just as busy as me.

I didn’t go into tech today, because I felt sick. Not hungover sick, actually, thank you very much, but sick as in my belly felt all woozy the way it had the day before, which wasn’t hangover sick either. On further reflection today, I’m even more disturbed by my taxi driver. I mean, we were having the conversation he started about me becoming mistress to a rich man, and he was like “he’ll move you into his penthouse and the wife will have to move out” so I said “well if she’s nice, maybe she won’t have to – I’d hate to put her out” and he was like “so you’re into threesomes then are you?” and I was like there’s a line and you just crossed it, buddy, but I didn’t say anything.

I think I’m worn out from being social. I just want to watch TV all night and not to have to talk to people I don’t know all that well, but Clay’s playing Video Nazi, so I can’t watch the West Wing. I’m starting to respect the most my friends that I can have comfortable silences with. Don’t get me wrong, I love going out and having a good time and everything, but I’m feeling very very introverted right now. I think when I’m tired my levels of tolerance sink even lower, so it’s like every time someone asks me a question I resent them for it. Unlike Clayton, Brad doesn’t ask me questions – well hardly never, anyways. Lately I’ve been coming home every day to announce a new crush on a different boy, and Brad’s always been like “okay, sweet”.

Blech, up down, up down up down up down up down up down. This gets boring real quick, eh. I’m waiting for something amazing to happen to me again. I’m tired of caring about myself, I need someone else to look after. Kate Benton’s moving to Queenstown in December – for the summer. This sucks, I don’t want her to go, but I also don’t want her to be with John if that’s going to hurt her as much as I know it’s going to. We’re going to try and sublet out her room because we would quite like her to stay on with us. Maybe Hot Toddy will take the room – Justin reckons he’d be very keen (but not as Kean as Justin) but I haven’t actually managed to speak to him yet. Todd’s a school teacher, which I find very very funny – so he probably wouldn’t even be working most of the time he lived here. It’ll be a change to live with all guys again – I’ll be losing my primary emotional suppport base. But of course, I’ll be busy in my fantastic new job anyways. Yeah.

“………”

Well, my peppermint tea is stewing, so yes, I will write an entry now. It’s strange, I used to always love writing my journal, but lately it seems a tiny bit forced, like I have to assure people I am actually still alive, no matter what I feel like. I don’t like appearing to be unchipper, you see. However, I can play a bit part anyways.

I had a shitty day today though, lots of little things being dumb. It got better, but still. It rained on me lots as I was walking to the bus stop. Sure, I’m not made out of sugar and I don’t exactly melt, but still, until the weather in Auckland gets better, traffic problems will never be solved. Then two of my eftpos cards got declined when I knew there was money in the account. Then a floppy disk full of pictures I needed for my rom wouldn’t work. Then the email of them that Thomas sent me wouldn’t come through. Then I spent six hours working on my rom. Which is always enough to put someone in a bad mood.

But then Thomas and I had a really yummy dinner at Mezze, even if I couldn’t keep it down, and then went for drinks with James, which was cool. One day I will go back to the Occidental and try their raspberry beer. And the Playhouse was cool too. Burger King was less so. And of course it sucked that I had no money. I hate owing people money. Even if it’s someone that owes me anyway.

Did I mention that it’s going to cost $94 to get my car window fixed? Or that my warrant is due on Friday? Or that my doctor still hasn’t got back to me with my all my test results from the first round of blood, and none of the results from the second? Did I mention that I’m going to Australia in 12 days? I am so so so excited about that. I’m sure Kini would be terrified if she knew exactly how much I am looking forward to seeing her again. But first I must do three assignments and an exam and oh yeah I failed my mass com essay, no suprises there really. Also I have to write a speech for Shirley’s 21st, which will be fun, and get her a birthday present.

It’s probably just as well that I have so much to do or I’ll go mad after Friday afternoon. Damn, I just caught the last bars of “Fade Into You”. If I could hear that now, maybe that’d unwind me. Or perhaps I should play “No Suprises”. Maree and I were watching a Radiohead video on Sunday, and I remembered my soup and blanket complex: I want to take Thom Yorke home, wrap him up in a blanket, wipe his nose and feed him lukewarm soup. I always fall for boys who seem to need taking care of. I prefer taking care of others than taking care of myself. Damn I’m tired. Can we watch Roswell now please?