Hubris.co.nz

Monday April 9th, 2001

My ISP is being a gimp. Gimp isp, gimp! I reckon Lou’s bosses should ensure that she has dsl at home, but apparently they have other priorities. Sheesh!

Today was all about working very hard scripting. That’s not computer scripting, oh no. Well, it kinda was, cos I had to format my CBT script so that it’ll work properly in Scala. Scala is dumb.

I listened to “My Body the Handgrenade” at work today, which is like a collection of b-sides and rarities by Hole, and it made so much more sense now after that biography of Courtney Love that I read. Listening to it, I felt like the BDO 99 was just yesterday, that somehow I managed to skip the past two years, which wouldn’t necessarily be such a bad thing, although I wouldn’t be who I am today. I feel very old – “Smells Like Teen Spirit” which is unquestionable the most important song to people in my generation came out TEN YEARS ago. TEN! Wow.

I’ve made an appointment to go and see Dr. White tomorrow and get my smear, and get a full STD screen (I don’t think I have anything, I just want to be 100% certain) and talk to her about my nutrition and stuff. Fun fun. Also today I’ve been coughing a dry shallow pathetic cough, so maybe she can see to that too.

Last night I traumatised Leigh by pasting bits out of a story I wrote when I was 15 to him – “Angela felt his hands slide up and down her back. She had to clutch at his shoulders, thinking of a line from Gone With the Wind – “Now I know why men put their arms around a woman when they kiss them; it’s so they don’t faint”. She was walking on air.” True story too. I just wrote it in the third person to get a new perspective, according to my diary at the time. Though what wisdom I’d learn from “Angela was leaning on him more and more. Then he spoke. “We’re lying on a flower pot,” he said regretfully” is beyond me. Still, five years from now, I’ll probably look back on what I’m writing these days and scoff.

Oh for fucks sake, how hard is it to get a line into the Net???

I feel good today because I just had a really nice long bath. I put my legs up in the air and fully submerged my head. I love the sound of being underwater. I also feel good cos I told Clay and Louise that I wanted to do separate food from them (and phrased it a little more diplomatically than “I’m tired of subsidising your animal products and your girlfriend”)

OH! I also got a pay cheque today, and that was very very nice.

AND! I was in Mt Eden for lunch, and I walked past one place after inspecting the menu, and this guy came out, and he was like “don’t you strut away from me” and I was thinking “sheesh, overboard waiter!” but it was my friend Derek, who I haven’t seen in like a year, so that was very cool. He was like “wow girl, look at you – whatever happened to the flower skirts?” which made me blush and smile. He’s doing advertising with Kate B this year, which means I can get her to slip him notes. Wahoo. And then when I was eating my lunch which was Malaysian noodles, Kate M rang me on my cellularmaphone and said she was in Mt Eden also, so we met up. She was a little scared and felt like she didn’t know what she was doing – I tried pointing out many times that it was only her first day.

The company I work for shouted morning tea for all 400 of us on campus today for going 100 days without an accident.

you see, the ting is…

A pinch and a punch for the first of the month!

Last night, I was online and feeling I dunno – bored and just a little down, when I got into an ICQ chat with Cam and Jeb. Mmmmm threesome with two gay men! It was very very amusing. Jeb wrote a derogatory haiku about me, so I responded in kind with a haiku explaining why I wasn’t what he was saying that I was. I pasted the haikus to Tom, and before you know it, we were talking to each other completely in Haiku, which were so amusing, I made a whole page about them. Jeb and Cam were very funny, but we fought about what tasted worse – girls or boys. Actually no, it wasn’t funny at all, it was all very sick and sordid and disgusting. So there! Heh. I was laughing so hard I was almost afraid that my flatmates would hear and get the wrong idea.

Today I woke up with a headache, which I’ve had for a number of days and I suspect it’s because I hadn’t had any coke for ages. Dammit, I don’t wanna be a caffiene addict! I was good and defrosted the freezer, making boys squeal when I dropped large chunks of ice out the kitchen window onto them on the patio sofa. I also did some tidying and stuff. Good me. But naturally I didn’t tidy my room. I tried and tried and tried to read through my paperwork and reports and stuff, but I just kept falling asleep. Jeremy said he’d charge me $18 an hour for him to read and brief me on all their contents, which I thought was a little moneygrubbing of him.

In the evening, Jeremy went out to some comedy thing with Renee, and lord knows where Clayton is (it’s 2.23am and he’s still not home, that rascal!) so Brad and I went to the supermarket. There’s a 4 kilo turkey defrosting in our fridge right now and also an 850gram boneless turkey roast in the freezer. I’m very excited. We also got cranberry sauce and all that good stuff. Oh man, I’ve become a fricking nutter (well, more so than usual) because we’re obsessed with one line from the Simpsons, when Homer goes “saxamaphone” so every other word that has at least 2 syllamabuls has now got a ‘ma’ or a ‘mo’ added in to it or a ‘mahol’. It’s driving me mad, and I’m the one who’s saying it the most – I can only imagine how annoying it must be for the people around me. After the supermarket, Brad and I went to Ponsonmaby to the Dog cos it was supposed to be Kate B’s last night at work, to have drinks with her. We didn’t stay all that long though, but Kate was very glad to see us.

We got home and Clay still wasn’t home, and we couldn’t find the tape with Miss Teen America that we videoed on it, so we watched Spiceworld. Again. Fuck, Richard E. Grant gets cooler and sexier every time I watch that movie (so now he’s 21 times sexier than previously). I declared myself to be the special commentary on the DVD, and launched into many tangents about foreshadowing and humour on many levels in the film. You really should watch Spiceworld with me one day. It’ll enrich your life, believe you me. Actually, all media consumption in this house is an interactive experiance. That’s because we’re so savvy.

“call Gary Barlow!”

Just briefly, before I go stick my head over a bowl of boiling water and vicks vapour rub:

Bad:
Getting to tech to find out that you put your underwear on inside out because you were so tired and sick that morning when you put it on, wrist pain, neck pain, back pain, dry mouth despite having drunk literal litres of water, not eating 5PLUS today, Kate B going away soon, not having had a single piece of personal email today, still being awake at 5am today, the guy pacing at the bus stop tonight, Static being off air all day, probably not being able to camp over at Kate H’s goodbye party on account of being sick, Leigh refusing to marry me to spark a ratings crossover, only having five days of stress left, not being able to fit in a Casino Night before I go away, how much I’m looking forward to getting drunk next Wednesday night, one of the boys i had a mini crush on having already moved out of Auckland, dumbass grad dips calling each other unproffesional over the class email list, still not having changed my sheets

Good
Clean towels, getting clicked, PJ Harvey, giving Nigel my Welly # (although I think I actually wrote my auck one by mistake) so we can hook up in Welly and go to Barney’s, my brilliant glossary indexy idea in my Phone project, finishing my Phone project with ten minutes of labs still being open to spare tonight, coming home to find Justin and Maree over, sandwichs in the company of Kate H and Bradley earlier today, Brad having an Alex Lloyd cd now, Anji arriving in the country today, Olivia (full stop), the satisfaction of knowing I did ALL the Phone project instead of taking shortcuts, planning what I’d do on a large salary, Justin giving me exciting ideas about the job future, telling Clayton off for buying condoms (“Son, I think it’s about time we had a little chat), having finished my Special Technological Challenge Report, getting to deliver a seminar tomorrow (look at me, look at how in control I am), my sneakers cos I feel so athletic in them that I jumped over obstacles today, Song Association, Brad filling me in on the past couple’o Home&Aways and us making a date to watch TV together next week, managing to restrain myself from singing along really really loudly to A Life Less Ordinary in the lab today, accidently opening up thousands of porn windows on Joe Fisher’s Internet account at tech today while looking for pictures of a body builder, taking photos on the digital camera of myself for our broadcasting project going “just one more” until Trevor reminded me that we only had a half hour of tape, dreaming that Kini was being courted by a guy dressed as a peanut m&m

“You got nipple licking? I’m so jealous!”

These are highlights from my journal that I kept in my red book in Australia. Obviously, it’s not everything. I was doing a whole bunch of thinking, and no one needs to read all of that. But these are the entertaining highlight parts.

Thursday 29/6/00

Interesting… Kini gve me directions to to the Sydney Museum, but I have a suspicion I fucked up, cos I’m currently sitting on the steps of the New South Wales Art Gallery. This is also fine with me. I realy should go to more exhibitions! Serves me right for following a bunch of school kids, I guess. Maybe Adrian can take me to the museum in the afternoon. For now, it’s lovely and sunny and the gallery opens in ten minutes.

My stomach is doing funny rumbly things. This is not a good sign! I spent yesterday at Kini’s house again, relaxing. Her room is so light and airy (it’s just like a CKone bottle, I’ve deiced) it feels like some expensive private clinic I’ve been checked into. Betty Ford perhaps. I’m going to clean up my addictions!

*****

Later – 11.30ish

Actually, I’m really glad that I didn’t make it to the museum, because the art gallery was realyl really cool. I know where the museum is now – i should have gone right out of Hyde Park instead of left to the Land Office that looks like a fucking museum! If I’d been wearing my contact lenses, I might have realised.

But anyways, I feel really good and cultured having been to the art gallery. I am so glad I did Art History in 7th form, because it helped me to understand things better. Plus the whole fact that we _had_ to go to exhibitions made it easier for me.

The first colleciton I looked at was 20th Century Australian Art. There wasn’t anything too striking htere, although I picked up on Colourfields, Impressionism etc etc. A couple of artists had work that looked a lot like Rita Angus. Next there was 19th Century Australia Art, which was kinda boring too, but that dissolved into International Stuff, and I became more intrigued. I love myths, and classics. I really oughta learn mre. I think when I’m in Welly, I’ll try and borrow some books of myths off Karen. One picture I especially loved was of Ipheginia sleepign, while this guy Cymon was staring, transfixed by her beauty. I want to be enchanting. I want to be beautiful. I think I’m tempted to start writing mythical stories instead of journal entries. The 21st century needs greater inspiration. Where are our gods? Christianity just isn’t as interesting. We need divine love, and loyalty and faith and honour and compassion and courage and revenge and anger. We need deities who can be humanised.

Off my soap box now. One other piece that really inspired me was this statue of a man, woman and child that was half carved into a flat surface, like the Athena Nike from the Arcropolis. The female clung to the male, in complete love, and together they held a baby. I hope I misinterpreted the look in his eye – it seemed almost as if he was thinking of someone else. But that’s probably just me projecting.

Then I went downstairs to an exhibition of contemporary art. They had a lot of stories of installations, without the actual works, which was kind of a shame. But there was lots of other cool shit as well. In one room across a wall there was a whole line of sardine cans, made in shiny metal, with trees groing out of the top and human body bits in the can. They were were quite breathtaking. The trees were exqisitely detailed, and the body parts were so realistic. There were penises and vaginas, sure, but the parts that attracted me were the curves of the back. I got to know one person’s back so well – maybe that’s symbollic. Or maybe not. In the ame room were beaded coral sculptures that seemed to float inside their glass cabinets. Beautiful.

I have fallen in love again. In one room of the gallery, the lights were dimmed and opera music was playing. A circular track around a pile of bricks had two projectors moving around, shining their images onto the bricks. The first was a close up of a man’s face. The second was his whole body, twisted by at rest. He was looking at me! I feel i know him so well, eyes pleading for me not to leave, to help him become real.

There was another installation nearby, where a huge screen took up a whole wall. Projected onto it was video footage of about 15 men, standing still. I went and sat down to watch, because they didn’t really keep still at all. It was really fascinating, actually. The young guy at the end didn’t seem to move at all, but eventually I caught him blinking. That meant I could leave satisfied. Art gallery padded benches are so comfy. I admit, I would love to fuck on one.

On the top floor of the gallery was a collection of black and white photographs by Olive Cotton. She’s amazing. Yet again, my favourite pieces were the portraits of Max, her two year husband, and the photos he had taken of her. I’m obsessed with finding true love I think. And I so want a man who’d want to take photos of me!

Now I’m sitting in Hyde Park near the fountain. It’s really windy, so every so often, huge big mists of water drift around. It looks amazing. Unfortunately, it’s starting to cloud over a little. I hope it doesn’t rain! there’s a man talking to a spunky young Dutch tourist on the bench to me – I think it’s so lovely when people are nice! The man’s gone now, so maybe I should volunteer to be tourguide! But then again, I’m scared it’s about to rain. I’d better go get underground. Brr!!

1pm

Tiny moments that make me believe the human race as a whole is going to be okay? An old woman in the middle of the hustle and bustle of the QVB sitting calmly on a bench pouring herself a cup of tea from a thermos.

Kni and I were driving home the other night, and the radio was tuned into some love songs request program. This guy rang up and was dedicating Chicago’s “Inspiration” to his princess, who’d made his life so much better even though they’d onyl been together 3 months. We were mocking, but it was so sweet that Kini started crying. And then I cried because I thought that was so unbelieveably cute and because I want to be someone’s princess too, dammit!

4.39pm

Goddam my fucking feet hurt big lots! I went to meet up with Olivia where I’d always met her – outside the posh foodcourt. She showed up, looking radiant as usual, and gave me my birthday present. It’s a tiara – yay! Just a little one, attached to a comb, and it’s very cool. Just before i met up with her, I bought myself a hair scrunchie. And when I say “hair”, that’s exactly what I mean – tufts of synthetic blue and blakc hair sprouting from an elastic band. It rocks!

Both Olivia and I were really hungry, and i had a hankering for some Chinese, so we proceeded to a foodcourt underneath Grace Bros. It was completely pack. Once we’d got our food – peeking beef and sweet & sour pork for me – we searched for like five minutes trying to find a seat. We had absolutely no luck, so we jumped on an escalator to find a bench to sit on. We found one – sharing with a very sleepy old man. It wasn’t the most ideal eating environment ever, but the company was great.

****

After lunch, we went to Woolworths Metro to look for red plastic cups like the ones they have at every single American teenage party. Kini promised that she’d seen them, but there was no joy. We searched the entire store. I almost bought a set of minature books for $1.20 but couldn’t ick any catergories. I also almost bought a crystal ball lamp, because they were only $13, but as Olivia pointed out, there was no way to change the light bulb inside it. Hmm, what a mystery! But Oh was very smart to spot the fatal flaw!

Then she had to go back ot work, and I had to go meet Adrian on the town hall steps. Because it was raining, Iw as waiting under the cover at the top of the steps when some dumbass doorman guy told me to move to the side. Like i was fucking blocking access! So I went to go stand in the rain, because I was feeling spiteful. He told me I could stay under shelter, just to the side, but I pretended I didn’t speak English. es, I was being dumb.

I was almost hoping that Adrian wouldn’t show up, cos IW asn feeling a little sleepy and not that sociable, but then he arrived. Since he had no plans, I suggested we should go to the museum, and he agreed. Since it was my idea, I paid the $8 each, and I’m glad I did, cos goddam, the museum was crap! I would have felt realyl bad if I’d made him pay for that! The first room was full of different kinds of skelatons – including a man on a horse called “The Bone Ranger”. Oh dear! On the mezzanine leve around the bone room were fascinating exhibits on rocks. Really really thrilling stuff! The highlight, of course, was passing the Gem Vault and having Adrian comment “you belong in there”. Heh. There was also a lot of dead birds and insects that did not hold our interest. We went to the Discovery Centre and looked at bugs under microscopes and cd roms, but restrained ourselves from going on that Internet thing. Kids World was only for 1-5 year olds, which is a shame because it looked like the most interesting area! Kini rang me while we were in the Evolution Area. She was like “where are you” and when I said the museum, she was like “Still????” so I had to explain. The dinosaur exhibit was boring as well, kids running crazy. We found their makeout room though, cunningly disguised as “the music room”. In some other section, there was a tiny little bug room that I folded myself into, although i’m not entirely sure why. So yeah, it was a crap museum, but it filled in some time, and at least I can say I did something. There was a sperm whale skeleton in the foyer – I said it was huge, Adrian thanked me.

Then he was feeling peckish, so we went to get some food at – oh god – Cafe Americana in the QVB. It was just like a cafe in Japan, only without hot towels and the plastic display food. I was feeling very sleepy by that stage- I could have quite happily put my head down on the table and slept. But that would have been rude. Adrian paid for my (crap) ice cream sundae, and we went to Soup Plus to make a booking for tonight. Then he took me to Coles, where we again searched fruitlessly for red plastic cups. He reckons they’re contraband in NZ – I’m not sure I believe him, eh! We were talking about Melbourne vs Sydney, and I suggested that the difference is that Sydney has no soul, much like Auckland vs Wellington. Adrian went hom, and I came up here to the Sky Pub in Kini’s building. I rang her to tell her – she really doesn’t seem to like the idea of me hanging out here for hours. I don’t know why. I’m only on my second vodka. And it’s not like anyone is trying to pick me up. They should be, dammit! I give great head! Maybe I should tattoo that across my forehead. Or maybe not.

Okay, it’s 6pm now. Kini should be down soon.

****

Did I mention that my bag strap broke? That really really pisses me off! I’ve had to carry it around clutching it all day. Not comfy! I’m also pissed off that i had to pay adult fare of $8.80 return on the train today. My student ids just weren’t good enough, apparently!

Gosh they play a lot of crap music here! Ah well, at least my second vodka was only $2. Happy Hour must be over – they just made a beeping noise. We’re supposed to be meeting Leigh in six minutes. Where oh where is Kini? She should have called. I should call her I guess, and go meet Leigh by myself. Or, after calling her, I oculd just meet her downstairs in ten minutes. What a great compromise! Olivia wants to go to Karaoke tomorrow, and has suggested that Kini and I stay over at her house afterwards and go to the airport from there. Anyways, I should probably get my shit togehter and go now xoxo

Friday 30th June

So, here I am for the last time on the train to the city. O nly this time, it’s the afternoon and I am by myself. Oooh brave me! I almost got on the wrong train, but luckily I didn’t. Oooh smart me!

I’m really sad to be leaving Kini’s house. I love her so much and it’s been so restful, just chilling and relaxing. I feel heaps calmer and way better equipt to deal with my life. I just wish it had never come to this in the first place! Ahh well.

Tonight Kini and I are staying at Olivia’s house, and hopefulyl going to Karaoke beforehand. It’ll be weird being in Oh’s house, just like it’ll be weird in Kate Benton’s room as well, I guess. I dreamt about Kate last night. We were going to the school ball with a whole bunch of people like Nicola, but then it was like 1am and we still hadn’t left. So then Kate and I decided to go to the casino instead. We somehow were in Mississipi then, and it so it was really hard to get a taxi. We ended up on some pushpull railway cart, being fed red wine by the two drivers. It was odd. Oops, I skipped two pages. Where is my mind?