Hubris.co.nz

And now it’s the 5th, and it’s SO FUCKING HOT that unpacking my boxes and sorting out my room and the prospect of putting my bed together is far too daunting, so I’m going to continue on with my dentist story instead. Where was I? Oh yes, because it was Xmas holidays, almost all dentists were on holiday, and the ones that weren’t couldn’t fit me in, so I rang up this one and he said I could come in and wait and he’d try to fit me in between patients, and so I said Okay and Mummy very kindly drove me in . The waiting room was jammed full, but after about an hour, they said I could go in. The dentist put sunglasses on me and looked in my mouth, and said that my gums were inflamed because my mouth wasn’t quite big enough for my wisdom teeth, and gave me the option of him prescribing me something to get rid of the infection and sending me away, or of taking the three remaining teeth out now, although that could be a little risky due to the already present infection. I asked him which would make the pain go away quicker, and he said operating now, so I said okay, and he injected me very painfully with painkiller. And then he said “right, well that will last for up to two hours, so go and sit in the waiting room while i see another patient”. Righto. That meant trying to explain to Mum what was going on with a numb mouth, but she finally understood, and said that she’d come back in an hour. Half an hour later, during which time I had sat reading Next magazines and trying not to drool on myself because of course, the lower half of my mouth was numb so I couldn’t manage my saliva properly, they called me in to the office. I tried to spit out the mouthfull of saliva that had accumulated, but I couldn’t control my lips enough to manage that. The dentist started prodding inside my mouth and asking me if it hurt, and I yelped and said yes, but then he touched my bottom lip and asked if I could feel it and I said no, and so he grabbed my top lip really really hard adn made me scream, so he said “I think we’ll judge how the pain relief has worked in proportion to the noises you make” and “since you can’t talk, either it’s working or you went out to the pub while you were waiting” so he poked some more and I declared as loudly as I could that it FUCKING HURT, but he ignored me and got started on ripping out my teeth. I screamed and screamed. He got his nurse to SHUT THE DOOR instead of giving me more pain killer. FUCKER. Oh I was so not impressed. And the noise! And the pain! OWWWWWWWWWWWWW. And then I had to wait another half hour for Mum to show up, bawling my eyes out in the waiting room from the pain and trauma of it all. It was not a fun time at all!  But Mum did tuck me up and read to me that night. I’d cried on Xmas Day (well actually, I cried about half a dozen times on Xmas Day) when she disclosed to me that the night before when I’d asked her to read to me and she said “You’re milkign this whole illness thing a little too much” what she actually meant was “I can’t be bothered walking downstairs and getting a book”. Yes, sure it sounds like I am completely pathetic. That is the point that I am trying to convey – how fucking patheticly sick I was. Thank you.  Anyways, because I was so sick and stuff, and cos I didn’t wanna risk being stopped by the police without a warrant or rego if I drove to The’Tane for New Years, Mummy very kindly changed my plane ticket which was supposed to be on the 29th up to Auckland to one on the 31st to Whakatane. Actually, that’s not strictly true – my flight on the 29th wasn’t exchangeable, so we just threw it away. How extravagent,and there’s children starving in Africa, I know.  Other things that I did in Welly besides be sick? I saw ‘The Two Towers’ at The Embassy, where it was made to be screened, adn it was WONDERFUL. MmmmmmmAragon. I hung out with Anji lots on her birthday, which was cool. I bought Mum and Neil dinner at an Indian restaurant for being so nice to me, even though Mum wouldn’t let me drink because as his final pain giving legacy, the evil dentist prescribed me antibiotics that the chemist warned Mum that I would get very sick on if I consumed alcohol with. EVIL MAN! I’m sure it was all a plan. And what else? That’s about it. I bumped into Si a couple of times on the street, but was too sick to make stick to plans to actually catch up with him properly. He has chrome holes in his ear that I poked my finger through though, so that was fun. I got frosty phone receptions. I slept a lot. I managed to not fight with my mother too much, because being ill meant that we could revert to the traditional Strong Mother/Weak Child roles that make everything so much easier to deal with.  And so then on the 31st, I flew up to Auckland, and got on a tiny little plane that was actually much more comfortable and roomy and flew to Whakatane. Brad picked me up from the airport (which looked like a 1970s house) and we went to the supermomarket for supplies and back to his house, where we were met by Justin and Nellie and Lovely Paul and Jarrod and his friend Stuart and Sarah. There was eating and drinking and talking and stuff, and then once we were all quite drunk, we took a taxi van over the hill to Ohope, where there is no cellphone coverage, and went to a scary carnie toga party where people were drinking beer through funnels and tubes so we left quite quickly adn went to a bach where Sarah’s sister was at. That party was much cooler.

Okay, so just because someone produces the magic substance that wakes you up does NOT mean that you should trust their decisions. Oh no. So if the boy who makes you coffee once or twice a week recomends that next time you have a VANILLA soy latte, don’t do it. Even if you love Vanilla Coke. Even if you’re easily swayed. Don’t do it. It tastes RANCID. Moral’o the story is, don’t take tips from men who listen to lifeFM or happy hardcore, and have mutton chops.

Oh look, Jo’s talking real trivial issues, she must be feeling better!

And actually, I am. even if Cipramil leaves me with a dry mouth and totally inadequate orgasms and weird dizzy spells sometimes. Oh, plus I have a totally burnt thumb. But I suspect that has more to do with Guy Fawkes than any other mental affliction.

So where were we? We talked about the coffee, which sucked. I trained today to do the WebDev Guy’s job while he’s away on leave. He put a sign on our office door that has the Communications Administrator Job being done by a “Joanne” McLeod. Apparently this is his reaction to Bridget telling him off for spelling it “McCloud”. I was like “Skew, you just gave me all your passwords for the webserver, are you sure you wanna say bad things about me?”. I hope he knows I do actually like him, even if there is a little “friendly” tension between me and Terri’s replacement. I’m still infamous at work for doing so well at the quiz on Friday night, and of course for the Hula dance that went along with it.

I worked from 10-3pm today, serving at Skew’s leisure so that he could teach me before he gets all mad panicy, and then I went for my eye appointment, which is very heavily subsidized by my organisation, as long as I made it clear that I need glasses to operate my VDU. I made it very clear. The guy was all young and nice, being a final year Opotometry Student, and it turns out that my glasses are WAY TOO STRONG on my left side. He was nice but too close in some parts, and I felt like I was supposed to pash him, because really, that’s the only time you’re supposed to hear people breathing like that. And then we got to the room where to try on frames, and he put the first pair’o frames on me, and he was like “yeah, that’s so it” and we tried on lots more pairs, but he was right, the first pair really suited me, even though they were $300 frames, and we couldn’t find anything nice that was cheaper (“I have expensive tastes!”) plus when someone is so convinced that something looks that good on you, it’s hard to argue, isn’t it? I told him off during my (incredibly long) eye examination cos he kept laughing at me when I was so obviously wrong reading letters, and he was like “hey, it’s boring to be so clinical”. He also got an abridged version of my full medical history because he damn well asked for it, and yes, thank you, I appreciate why I’m having dizzy periods, and I’m paying $120 an hour to sort that out, and I appreciate that you’re taught to do this, but seriously, get back to writing me out a new glasses prescription. Thank you.

And then this evening there was Quiz, but when Clay and I got there, who was sitting outside but *IV (damn, I wish I was into full name disclosure styles, cos it’d sure as hell make things easier) and I was like umm “okay, I’ll go get the beer” because i am LAME and because he totally wouldn’t even look in my direction at Justin’s last party, and then KateH showed up, and eventually Peter (Hi peter, you’re choice even if you’re not scrawny in a tight tshirt anymore) and a friend of his, and that was our quiz team, although Bo and Leo put in an appearrence for a little. At one stage, I went out to the bathroom, and *IV was out having a cigarette, so I kicked his chair, and said hey, and said that he didn’t need to be afraid’o me cos I didn’t mean to cause trouble at all in any way. He said he was back with his g/f and I said that I knew that, and that was cool and I understood, and he was like, “but you were the first girl since her” and I said that he’d told me that at the time, and then I told a kinda lie and said that I was in love with the boy who’s party we’d hooked up at (a lie in that it wasn’t LOVE as such, but definitely some kinda big feelings) and he was like “what, Justin?” and I laughed my head off and I was like “don’t you remember – we were at a party in Herne Bay” and he was like “ooooh” and I said that he was quite probably the nicest boy I’d ever had sex with, and I’m sorry that I’d snobbed him the first time I saw him after we’d had sex but I hadn’t expected to see him again quite so soon, and he was like “I got a snub in the Hub” which was actually really funny and we were both like, mutal admiration for how cool each other was, and he said that he’d got the note I left him in his letterbox that said he was a total sweetheart, which is true, and he said I had great taste in music, and we had a laugh, and just parted on super terms. So that was lovely.

Meanwhile, back at Quiz. OH MY GOD! Okay, so every Tuesday, we call ourselves “The Slab” on account of it being our apartment name, right? Well, tonight not only were there “The SLAB” but there was “Peanut Slab” as another team, and also “FUCK THE SLAB” as a team name. ATTITUDE! Anyways, we won, and so that’s a $50 tab for us to drink next Monday when I’ve finished my first exam. No more Quiz nights at Vesbar anymore, at least not over summer. He took my number and said he’d call if he started working somewhere else, but Meh, I doubt that’s what I would like it to be, then him and me and KateH played with Sparklers in the Quad. It was pretty choice. ANd then I went up to Kelly and Rowena’s and we set off fireworks on their roof and I burnt my hand. I went home cos I was so drunk I could hardly stand up anymore, especially in the rain, and Kara and Clay and Bo and Leo were all watching Harry Potter, and there were Nachoes on the stove, so I was stoked, and that was cool, except, my god, maybe kids have mucher longer attention spans than I do, cos I so could not be bothered concentrating, so after an hour and a half, I headed off here.

But doesn’t it make you happy? Look, Jo all conscious and stuff – and like, sure she’s drunk, but that just means that her OOS doesn’t hurt as much, and yes, I am, I am looking after myself, MUM. ANd soon, I will post you a rant about happiness, and also about Therapy. White MiddleClass Girl Angst etc. Love you all – well okay, that’s a lie. Love all of you who you know who you are, and care about some of the rest of you, and are glad some of you read me, adn would very much like some of the rest’o you to fuck off now please. Thank you. Xojo.

So it’s our LAST EVER HR assignment, and somehow I make it through the seminar, and then somehow manage to sit through all the other seminars through the day, and then we’re drinking at the bar afterwards. I strike up a conversation with a girl I’ve only ever talekd to before once after our meet&greet function when she was fucked, adn then another time at Justin’s party, so she’s all “how do you know Justin?” so we end up compering friendship circles. So it turns out that she used to go out with this boy that I “knew” and then we compared stories, and oh, so it seems like he has this full on routine. Like, oh, I found out that his lines weren’t original, but the whole “somneone I loved died, I need sympathy” thing was so up my alley, and so outpouring, adn then it turns out that sure, it was true but it was also a completely practiced well pat routine, and FUCK, you absolutely fucking disgust me, eh. Especially other things she said, and fuck, I’m a smart fucking girl, so what the fuck is wrong with me that I didn’t fucking see that? I can’t believe it, I was so mad I wanted to scream and shout and I was so fucking disgusted that all I could do was laugh. I feel nauseous now, at the end of a good night when I can actually sit down adn think about it, but for now, I will go and lean on Clay. oh, and classes are over, full stop. Oooh, cheque from Morrison, kick ass. And I yacked to Clay, and I’m like, “okay, so I’m down with you using the whole ‘i’d buy you a drink but…’ line, but jesus fucking christ, using dead parents to get blowjobs is NOT cool.” At least the boy who used to tell me that he loved me thought he meant that, even if all he meant was that he couldn’t be alone. Wannnnnnnnnker. And oh yeah, I would say that to your face too, so it’s not like I have any issues with putting it in my journal. Stay tuned for other excitign news.

So one of the things that we talked about last night in the so many hours of conversation that my throat was sore this morning about how it’s so much easier to write when you’re unhappy because when you’re joyous you wanna hold it all to yourself and just smile over it, and so I’m going to make an effort to share my glee with the world. Although of course, in that case maybe i should play something other than the Cure, but that’d mean like, Brian Adams or something – my parents have an awful lot of cds, but very few good ones, since Mum seems to have hidden all her NZ music.

But here’s where we’re at. There is a mouse running around in ym bedroom in Auckland, which meant I slept on the couch on Tuesday night, restlessly, having weird codeine spiked dreams. I shrieked at the mouse, and wanted to jump up on a chair. When I rang Tom for reassurance he said I sounded the most feminine that i ever had. And now of course, my landlord’s phoneline doesn’t work, and her cellphone is out of range, so I am not a happy camper at all! Or at least, I wouldn’t be, if i was still in Auckland. But as it happens, I am in Wellington, with a big stupid grin on my face. So there.

Oh for fucks sake Tom, is there anyone you DON’T know? Stop trying to be Kate Hamlin. Or Justin, I guess this case is, kinda.

Where was I? Oh, Bo and I struggling with my suitcase up to behind the Sheraton so I could get the bus to the airport (I have now traded with Momma for her suitcase on wheels), then the flight to Wellington being completely bumpy and horrible. I was smiling like a crazy woman cos we all know i like being scared, whilst trying not to be sick as we landed. Then Momma picked me up and we had lunch at the Crank Cafe, and I got to go home and have a nap before having to drive her places in the van so she could get the tyres changed on the car. Mmmmm nap. And hten I took another one after that, so nice to not have to worry about mice running around. After that, I had dinner with Mummy and Daddy, and they dropped me off at Espressaholic to meet up with Fatty Si Si.

I had a drink there with his friends, and then as soon as we stepped out on the pavement, Henry started making me laugh because he really is a very strange boy. It was so nice to finally get to see Simon again too, cos he kicks so much ass. Anyways, so we headed up the road to Traffic, which was booked out for Ayna’s party. It is SUCH a nice venue, I am so totally going to have something there sometime. It’s the old Indian restaurant that used to be public loos before that (yes i know, it sounds wrong but it’s just so right). One round room at one end had a tiled floor, and a fresco ceiling and turntables set up in it, and the other round room at the other end had a pretty blue ceiling that ended up looking like the ceiling at the Civic to me, and persian rugs and low couches, and in between those rooms is an area with a pool table, and then another area with a regular nice kinda bar in it, and it’s all painted dark red, adn there’s a fire in the bar bit. So yeah, fantastic venue. And there was just such a good vibe going on, cos there were three people having their birthdays, so it was all friends and the place was full, and it just felt really nice. Lotsa djs took turns playing, and it was all fullspectrum drum&bass and also lotsa different kinds of hiphop, and there was a guy mcing over the drumandbass at times, so it was very cool. I danced my ass off. I talked to lots and lots of people. I lisped my way through half a little piece’o cardboard. Si Henry and I sat in the corner of the chillout room for ages and ages and ages, covering a heatvent up with a plant cos it was too hot and I felt like iw as going to die from laughing so hard at them singing a little worker’s song – stampy stampy sorty sorty stacky stacky. If only i had a song like that, I’m sure my workdays would fly by too. At some other stage of the night, a girl pulled out a container of kalamata olives out of her bag, and Si had a sack of pistachios. I love Wellington people who carry backpacks! I wormed my way into conversations with random people when I got bored,a dn defended the “dark arts” that I studied before finally hearing that one of the guys I was talking to worked in Communications anyway. I suggested that someone run around the block if they had too much energy and lauhged soundly when they actually did. I danced and danced and danced and danced, adn then I danced some more. The music was amazing and everyone was dancing so well. I love poeple who do mad things with their feet. It was such a good night! Si left sometime around 12, and I thought about going with him cos he’d said his flatmate was away so I coulda crashed there and saved cabfare, but i was having far too much fun. I didn’t really get much of a chance to talk to Ayna,b ut she seemed really happy that I was there, so that was cool. One very e’d up girl who I’d never met before hauled me to my feet and told me off for crossing my arms in front of myself – “you don’t have to cover yourself up! you’ve got a beautiful body (with a little handmovement curvy drawing thing too)! don’t you like yourself?”. She was scary and made me self concious, wheras before then I’d been far too happy and comfortable and mellow and chilled out to even think about shit like that (oh and i was wearing my cleavage top, which I love). Eventually I just sat on a couch on the dancefloor for hours, having a long and engrossing conversation about the history of Soul Music (“I love hte vibe,” he says, and then he says “let’s just sit here and enjoy it” and he leans in even closer, puts his head on my shoulder and we almost fall asleep). And then I walked him across town and had ot leave in Cuba Street cos there wouldn’t have been any more taxis, and the driver was just grinning at me going “so you had a good night did you?” cos he would have seen the dithering, and hte hugs and the kisses on the cheek. And I smiled all the way home.

This morning Mummy woke me up for brunch – pancakes and bananas and pig, and she wrote me a list’o things to remember, and then they left, and I floated around the house all afternoon. This evening i went to another PR function, this one held in the Portrait Gallery of Bowen House. It was okay – I talked to some people. Steve Maharey (Minister of Tertiary Education and Broadcasting) gave a speech, adn then I went and talked to him and he gave me the name of the guy who runs his media unit so that i can express my interest in working htere. No one flat-out offered me a job. Then I went to see Anji, and she didn’t have a key to our house and i knew I’d locked myself out. I went home to meet up with KateB but our neighbours were out, and the laundry window was shut, so Kate and I had to drive back to town to Karen’s to get the key off her. My time down here is going to be so hectically social. Everyone wants a piece’o me, and while I want a piece’o everyone too, right now after last night, I think there are people that I want more pieces of than others. I’m filthy. Except that I’m actually not, because once again, when I actually really like someone, I respect them far too much to make a move. Darn.

Tuesday September 11th, 2002

Grr students and interviews and mentors and work and grr and grr and grr. GRRRR! Grrr $218.42 to get the phone reconnected. Grrrr going to work where Terri was also having a bad day. GRRR at ANZ. Grrrr at the HR lady calling me Love and then saying that no, they still hadn’t made up their minds. Grrrr at the memory of the dead mice in the cupboard. Grrr at dynamics that just don’t work. Grrr at the mean receptionist at my doctor’s who told me that Dr. White refused me a new prescription but didn’t say why (yeah, like I can afford $50 for another consultation right now – if my blood pressure is raised, it’s her fault!). Grrr at thousands of clippings to do, adn then GRRRR at problems with avmed stuff. Grrrr at getting rained on the way home. Grrr at Clay being sprawled out on the couch watching some stupid movie when I just wanted to be alone. Grrr at hearing Kara while i was hiding out in my room, rereading the Blind Assassin for the trillionth time. <!– homage mode: He follows her into the empty room, concrete floor bare except for the mattress, piled with messy sheets and pillows.  When she sits on the windowsill, he pushes her against the glass and kisses her intensely, until they move to the mattress. When her moans that she had never heard before have subsided, he tells her his tragedies, and she kisses him every time words fail her. You intrigue me he says, I feel like you’re holding me at a distance.  And she can see his eyes casting around her room, trying to find some clue to her, but there’s nothing, nothing but her Blind Assassin poster on the back of her door.  What’s that about, he asks, pulling her in tightly to his chest.  It’s about lovers who lie in bed telling each other stories, she laughs.) –>

But they went out, and I drifted in and out of conciousness as I have been doing a lot lately, and then I got up to eat spinach soup and watch Buffy. KateM came over half way through it, and asked a lot of questions, but she’s allowed to cos she’s cool. Oh, and I finally got my invitation to Justin’s party, so I can put that slab’o paranoia aside. After KateM left, I ran around my room trying on various clothing combinations. Fuck I need a needle and thread. The slit at the back’o my black dress has split basically almost up to my slit, so I won’t be wearing that tomorrow (eww, did I just use the word “slit” instead of “vagina” or even “panties”? Dirty). Tomorrow is, of course, our industry evening where we all try to impress PR bigwigs and get jobs. I debated wearing my cleavage top, but it doesn’t cover the hole in my bright pink skirt which I really wanna wear, so I think I will stick with my stretchy black skirt, providing it dries in time, damn excess soap powder, and my boots, of course. I figure standing at least 6’1 is one way to make an impression.

Oh, and what with today being you know, THAT anniversary, kinda, except a day ahead, it also means that today it’s also a year since I started taking the everlovely fluox. Of course, I stopped in umm February I think, but I still think it was like an important anniversary for me, cos that was such a fucking hard thing for me to do, and it of course kicked off my whole “why can’t I feel anything? maybe I should have another drink or some more cock” phase. Fun times. And I lost someone I cared about. And etc. Oh inncidently, I think I still have about a month’s worth of fluox, which I’ll trade anyone for a month of estelle35, or some more straight codeiene. I also have voltarin and brufen and maxolon, in case you too have excessive nausea. I like my pill drawer, although most of the pills in it don’t do anything, but some of them, like the brufen and the fluox are pretty colours, and it makes me feel like I’m some late sixties housewife.

Friday August 2nd

Okay, so before i fall out of my chair and pass out on the floor, here’s the story – here’s the correct deal that any’o you could have just got out of me by simply asking, and here’s my interpretation of what happened. You know how a couple’o days ago I cut Justin off my Xmas Card List (this is not an actual thing in existence, it’s purely a metaphorical creation)? And if you know that, you know it’s of course because he had drinks last friday and didn’t invite me, not even when I texted him that day and asked him waht he was up to and he didn’t reply and as both a Gemini and a Communications student, nothing pisses me off more than peoplke who don’t reply to txts? Well anyways, I heard from sources about his party, of course, because um, hi, do you know know by now that that’s the way girls work? But anyways. So I figured he hadn’t invited me to his party cos he thought I’d mack on all his friends (and so maybe there’s some degree of truth to that) and then when I found out that the last friend’o his that I shagged was back with his ex girlfriend that he was with before he shagged me (but not while he shagged me, nor for any immediate period before then, thank you very much) and I figured maybe Justin thought I’d like, embarrass that boy or something so he just wouldn’t invite me outta decency. And of course, there were also “maybe Justin just flat out hates me” thoughts but they didn’t last very long. But anyways, then tonight me and Maz and Bo were in the cab on the way to KateH’s party, and Maz was like “not to give you a complex or anything, Jo…” and she told me that Justin had been all hesitant to tell them that the boy was back with his ex and stuff, and they were all worried about telling me and I was all “WHAT THE FUCK???? If i had been after him in any way, I ouldn’t have left while he was sleeping plus I woulda put my number in the note I stuck in his letterbox after! AAAARGH I don’t fancy him, I just have a guilty conscience!” and Maz was liek “yeah that’s what we told Justin” and Iw as like aaaaaaaargh I don’t LIKE the boy, I just gave him a lotta mind time cos I thought he was a sweetie and I wondered if I shoulda got to know him better, and Maz and Bo were like “don’t do this, don’t get a complex” and I was like “i’m not!” but anyways, as soon as Justin showed up at the party I was liek “oi you! and I gave him an earfull and he was like “Ummm?” and said that what had actually happened was that when I sent him the text on friday, he actually received it while he was in a car with the boy in question and was like “oh, is it okay if I invite Jo tonight?” and the boy started freaking out and continued to do so for three days, cos like I think we first said, he’s just back with his girlfriend, and somehow I very much doubt that she knows about him fucking me like I was a pornstar in the middle of it. So yeah, Justin and I cleared all that up. I am a little hurt though, that they could think I’d be so unsubtle or anything like that to cause a ruckus – I’d only do that to people I don’t respect, and i do very much respect thsi boy, because like I’m sure I have said before, he was probably the nicest boy I’ve ever been to bed with, even if we didn’t actually have a Connection (and this is not a diss on you; I’m sure you wouldn’t call yourself ‘Nice’). And anyways, the boy ended up showing up at the party and I watched him in the hallway for a little bit, trying to be discreet in checking him out and thought “hmmm, he actually IS really cute and actually DOES look like Milan” and then later when I walked past him I said hey, and he said hey, and it was all cool. So yeah, that was the drama and scandel. did you manage to follow ANY of that? I don’t care if you didn’t; I’m quite happily quite stoned.

Today was 9-5 at work, which is always difficult, especially since Terri had started at 7am, which meant she left at 3pm, so Bridget and I were left going “ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm” all afternoon. But I did do an interview AND write a profile today, plus now I can tell you all about the causes of hydronatraemia and who of you else can claim that? I also went to ask the HR lady about the job I’m applying for, and was liek “oh, right, good, I do have the right person – I’m terrible with names and faces”. Nice one Joanna, way to apply for PR jobs. Really, no, seriously, excellent way to influence people is by pointign out your foibles.

Hmm, foibles, does this mean that i have to talk about those godawful muppets taht I had to talk to for like half an hour who kept referring to me as a crackwhore cos Clay and Bobobo did? I hope not. In fact, I know not, cos like, I so would like to go and jump into bed where it’s real nice and warm. well actually, it’s probably cold in my bed, goddamit I need an army of flying monkeys to make me a hottie and find me some socks adn all taht stuff. Where were we? I’m just like, all OH MY GOD THERE’S BETH ORTON ON THIS MP3 cd. And that kinda thing. Something about Mazzy being hot in her hot little red dress even though sips of her bourbon remind me of *III, or even the massive quantities of bourbon I would drink with him because it was part’o the whole fucktoy/rockbottom process. And definately something about how fucking choice KateH is, and how she looked reaaaaaally hot and flamenco tonight, and also what a pleasure it was to finally meet this Amy that I’ve heard so much about. Ummm other things – like, who the fuck actually drinks Creaming Soda? And Jezza going on a massive hunt to find a lighter, and then us smoking around the picnic table in KateH’s backyard and me feeling unspeakably guilty for doing so, and then being back in her kitchen where I spent the night going “OH MY GOD” cos Like, everyone fucking knew my name and could tell me where they’d met me before and what conversation we’d had, and that always makes me real para, and then I spotted that boy in the hallway and I had to point him out to Clay and clay was like “he’s real cute and hot” and I was like oh my god please hurry up and come out and dump your girlfriend.

Dear lord, there should be some more paragraph segmentation here, surely. Other things’o note? Bopha kept calling em a crackwhore, and okay, so maybe the stripper story was case and point, but THAT’S IT. At the start’o KateH’s party, we just sat in a corner going “grrr” at each other and wondering what would happen if she went and sat on people’s laps and said “chicachehooo” at them. I love Bo. And umm, oh I talked to this boy that I’d thought was kinda ncie and well dressed and good looking and nice to me and laughs at my jokes and stuff so I’d kinda thought “hmm maybe” about, but it was too hard to sustain a conversation, and plus, I think I’d decided this week that I was really into this other boy and yeah, so like, that’d be cool and shit, except he was supposed to come but he didn’t. Still, I think that there was like, enough scandal and mania going on anyways, and you don’t even know the half of it. Also, my eyeshadow looks fuckign kickass today, as does the rest of me.

Okay man, like, $3.25 in coins and head to whomever brings me salted snacks first. It was just one joint, motherfucker! It shouldn’t show up under all this beer. Jezza and Nae are real funny when they’re stoned though. That’s all I have to say. Tomorrow I may or may not get a network and Sunday I gotta do coursework, so that’s ass sucking, but like, only figuratively and only on Sunday, cos like, how fucking 2000 are you?

Saturday, July 20th 2002

In which Joanna tries to right all the wrongs in the world

So, this afternoon, Bops and I went to Newmarket. We were looking for a Sony/Aiwa/Pioneer microsystem under $400 with a cd player, cassette and RCA ports looking good for me, and a computer under $2000 for her. I found a Phillips one which the guy in Bond&Bond woulda dropped to $420 for me, so I figured the guy in Noel Lemming since they’re owned by the same company woulda done for me on an Aiwa woulda done for me for the same price, but it was kinda mintgreen tinged, so I’m not sure if I liked it. But we did find Bops a computer for $1700, and managed to talk the shop guy into being able to put less than a 20% deposit on it. I scrapped up $170 outta my account and she had $60 cash. We felt like we was scrounging for coins under the sofa. T has agreed to set us up a network, so I’mma do my best to not piss him off til he’s done that. Hi T, don’t get shirty with me for writign this. Lately I have been having mad flashbacks about all sorts of things, and I have this image of you in my head of you jumping on my bed and hitting your head on my dusty chandelier. That’s all.

Oh, okay, so where were we? Okay, KateH on the phone at 7.40pm, saying let’s meet soemwhere BYO at 8pm, and so we go through the yellow pages togehter and agree to meet at Sri Panang on K’Road so I don’t have to walk down the hill, but once I’ve finally got my shit together, i finally realise I’m on the wrong side’o the road, and when she calls I dunno where she is, so we decide to meet at Saigon instead. So yeah, super yummy Vietnamese for dinner, and then we go home for Martinis. Emma showed up with some crazyass friends, so that was amusing for a while, especially cos she called me really fucking beautiful and you know I pretty much fall for anyone that calls me beautiful – or maybe that’ sjust everyone I’ve fallen for has also called me beautiful.<!– cos you know I always thought Emma was HOT –> Chicken -> egg -> chicken etc. Katie read my list’o memories from Garland (or from the bathroom, laundry, hallway and kitchen, cos that’s only as far as I’ve ever got with those lists) while I got changed and reapplied makeup. She was impressed that I had “There’s a glass of water out here for you Jo” as a memory, cos that’s what she remembered from the bathroom too. That’s all I wrote down, cos what else can you say about a month of throwing up constantly and stressing out all the people that you care about? Especially since she was just “Justin’s Girlfriend” then (sweetei I love you and I don’t even need to say how much more you are now).

Anyways, where was I before I started talking about things that let’s so not go there right now. Oh yeah, Martinis at home, then we went to a party of her friends’, who are also my friends at tech who apparently actually really like me, so I’m so not a Grand Dick, and that’s yay. They were just down Symonds Street, and their party was on the roof of their building. I spent most of the time talking to the editor of Craccum from 2000, and we had astonishingly similar taste in music, and laughed about teh same things, and he was so cool and I was really surprised that apparently he wasn’t gay. It was choice to see where Kelly and Rowena lived as well. And then, we went to a party at Khuja, which was in the private back room so that was excellent, and I had long indepth conversations with assorted people, mostly to accomodate Katie chatting up boys. The boy I was talking to was talking close and whispering in my ear, and I had to whisper in his since the music was really loud, and I was mocking his partial English accent, and I dunno, I just had a real urge to kiss him behind his ears, and the last boy that I felt that for ended up kissing me, but this boy didn’t cos we left to go do sonmethoing else. What did we do? it’/s hard to remember. Drinks at The Supper Club maybe? And then Oporto, and I rang Justin to see where he was at, and he was like “hey, if you wanna hang out, you should call me before 2.46am” which made me laugh lots cos I ahd no idea what the time was cos Katie had had my cellie in her bag all night.

Then we talked about it, as we had been talking about it all night, and had had a big debate before we went into Oporto, but we went into Starks to have a very loud discussion in front of this FUCKING DICK who has done bad things to someone cool and you so don’t do that on our watch without us having to say something, and yeah, so loud obnoxious indignant conversation til we got the “You ladies would be more comfortable in the Civic Lounge” line, and fuck Katie, when i started this evening, I had $75 in my pocket, and now I have $6 for laundry and like $4 in scrapnel. What DID we get up to? Love you SO much baby xojo.

Thursday the 11th of July, two thousand and two

So, chances are, I have let down someone a huge big lot. I have gone back on my word and failed to deliver something that I promised to deliver, although I had a month to deliver it in. So I’m sitting here drinking a dry martini with a twist and wondering if this makes me an evil person. Chances are, this may be the first time you’ve heard me talking about this particular writing task, which should give you some indication of how willign I was to do it if I wouldn’t even talk about it in my journal. I’ve had a growing sense of unease about my unwillingness to do this, and finally I realised that there was no way in hell that I would be willing to put my name to such a substandard piece of work, and so I had to resign – the day before it was due. Yeah, I should have done it earlier, so that it wouldn’t have been one of the things making my time in Welly so crap, knowing that I should have been writing that story. Arrrgh. I hate disappointing people; I know how shitty I get when someone lets me down.

So can we change the subject? I had my induction course this morning, or the first half of it anyways. In our break i talked to a vaguely cute guy with an English accent, but then I realised that the conductor had pointed out that we were all Level 5 or below payscale (ie under 51k) so what would the point be in hooking up with him? I think I must break out my gold digger styles and find someone to keep me in the style I’ve become accustomed to. Of course, before you start imagine me to be too stylish and cool, I must point out that I am wearing Sellotape ® fingerless gloves that Karen gave me, and since they’re fingerless, they make me feel like a bonafide Ruffian. Unity were given them, apparently, for buying so much product, so of course they were given to me. Several staff members growled Bear-Like at me last time I went in. Apparently I’m famous. Ooooh just while I remember – Nushka – congratulations! And also, you should consider the name Berrin. Or Joanna. Thank you.

Since my induction course was in a building on the corner’o my street (my organisation employs 5000 people, apparently, and is spread all over Auckland, and if you still can’t guess who I work for, obviously you’re a crap stalker), i went home for a half hour nap at lunchtime, then went in to my regular office afterwards. The day trickled by fairly slowly after I dealt with the 64 emails that had accumulated in my box whilst I’d been away (and meanwhile my REAL email account stays pretty much empty.

In the evening, Justin came over for cups of lemongrass and ginger tea, and catch up chats <!– he said stuff about the boy, like how he was cool if you kept him at a distance, and he was so right, and as I was explaining to him why I didn’t like the boy anymore, I finally realised that i totally made the right decision, so that felt weird, but good.  Also, as a side point,it really fucked me off that Clay was there trying to talk as well, cos lord knows it’s hard enough to get a word in edgeways with Justin as it is.–>. He brought me back a Jakarta Post from Bali, which is cool cos I dig overseas media. Plus apparently someone (KATEH!) told him that his other friend, is the fourth in a series of boys with the same names, so he was talking about him as *IV too, which was really amusing, cos people shouldn’t use nicknames that you have for other people, if you know what I mean. It’s like my dad calling KateH “Popular Kate”, and Mum talking about “Fatty”. Okay, well so maybe it’s cool.

Three days or so til I bleed, which is good cos then I will hopefully stop being so unseasonably grumpy and meatcraving. Also, if you notice that my personality seems to change over the coming months, please do let me know – I am a little worried about being on the pill again, cos I don’t want that femulen psychosis back. However, I have yet to lose my sex drive, so it could be that I have nothing to worry about.

Tuesday July 2

You have to excuse me if i sound a little shitty while I write this – I’m in the lounge and Clayton is watching ‘Duets’. Yes, the Gwynnie movie. I know he has to do it for his work and all, but still. Oh yeah, and as to why I’m in the lounge, well, my landlady rang me up at 8am today to tell me that I was getting carpet laid between noon and two, so I must move all my personal stuff out of my room, but leave my furniture. Righto. She rang me later at work to confirm that I’d done it, and I had – well, Bopha did it for me cos I had to go to work, and Bopha is a sweetie and everything. I got home to find a note from the carpet layers saying we needed to move the furniture out and vacuum before they’d lay carpet. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKETY FUCK FUCK FUCK. Grrr. I was txting Brad angry things about my landlady, and he said I should put on a bear suit and maul her, and so I asked him if he’d do it for me, and he said sure, if I could get her to dress up as a salmon. Heh.

Work today was good, I did the clippings, wrote some stuff, killed some time. There were mini scandals, but nothing to do with me. I did maths! With a calculator and a ruler and everything, figuring out most efficient ad spend. I drew pictures in my report and impressed everyone. So that was exciting. I really must remember to take my muff in to work, cos my hands just about freeze off on the way home. Also, what, you think I didn’t see you lurking in that doorway? I may be blind without my glasses but not THAT blind.

KateH came over after work and we had Thai food together, sitting on the sofa together like the old days, although she couldn’t stay for travel.co.nz which she shoulda! So after she left, I went over to KateM’s instead, and met her new flatmate who was very nice, and kinda intriguing. Ligen ligen ligen. Heh, special personal message to you after all.

OH! Hot gossip scandal I discovered sometime recently…. ummm nah, I won’t break it yet. I’ll hold it in for a while. However, I am hoping that the person it involves will hurry up and get his ass back into the country, or how am I ever going to get laid again?

KateH complained that I hadn’t written up my party yet, but we agreed that by now it’s too late. Suffice to say, it was fucking cool, except for the landlady showing up cos she’d had “complaints” (plural) about the noise – of course our fucking neighbours couldn’t have come and knocked on our door and asked us to turn it down, oh no. And also, why are all Englishmen obsessed with nakedness? And how can people turn up empty handed and expect to be fed copious amounts of liquor at any occasion other than a 21st? But BALLOONS! And my ladies! And when I got up on Sunday, Bopha had already done half the dishes and cleaning cos she felt so bad about getting too stoned to talk. ANd then the next day there was the soccer, and Brazil won, and YAY. Yeah. That was all the good shit.

Dialogue just now: Me “So, who’s playing tonight?” Bopha, about to cry “don’t Jo! You’re evil! Absolutely evil. That’s the bad shit right there”. Soccer withdrawl has set in already. That’s why it’s okay that I’m going to Welly tomorrow.

Tuesday June 11th

So I was meant to be able to say one down, three to go, but I’m still not entirely sure. And then maybe it’s a different one down, or none at all. Meh.

Bops asked Emma to move out this morning, and she totally understood, and was perfectly lovely about it, so it’s all good, we’re on excellent terms and she’s still gonna come and hang out all the time, so I’m happy. Everyone needs their space. And I didn’t have to be too much of the bad guy.

Then I went to Newmarket to have lunch with JeremE, so that was cool cos I hadn’t seen him in a while. It wasn’t that sunny outside, but my shoes were feeling really comfortable so I walked home, and I’m so glad that I did, because it was a really really nice walk. I just laughed lots when the wind nearly blew me over. Also, because I was passing, I went into work to see about my pay which hasn’t gone through (ha! call me a procrastinator will you?) and Terri said she’d chase it up for me and told me when she first started hers hadn’t gone through for a month. Eeek. Other highlights of my walk included kinda passing by where *IV lives, and I was really hoping I’d bump into him, but I didn’t, so oh well. (And no, that’s not me being a stalker because as has been previously stated, he lives right next door to my place’o work, thank you very much).

So I went home and discovered that Bopha had been drinking coffee all morning, as had I, so we were both completely mad and screamed a lot and she did some breaking and also some Kung Fu poses with her pom poms to Pluto before she completely crashed out (Have I mentioned lately how good all of redlightsyndrome is? It’s FUCKING good. Go buy it). I crashed out with her cos she has smurf pillowslips and did my best to drive her mad with a continuous loop of “Bopha what should I do? _ or _ ? or _? Or blah blah blah rah rah rah it’s all about me and Tom says _ but KateB would say _ and I can’t go with my instincts because I don’t know what my instincts are” until she threatened to steal my cellphone, get all the necessary numbers out of it and sort my life out for me. I actually kinda wish she would. Other people got text messages or emails with the same whinings contained within, only more abridged. Online now, Tom’s like “What would CJ do?” because I think we all know that she’s my role model (You know, CJ from the West Wing. I want Allison Janney to play me in my movie, so she’s gonna have to not get any older. I see myself as kind of a cross between CJ and the whitetrash lady she plays in ‘Drop Dead Gorgeous). But I don’t we can deal with it all this way. Ahhh my life is so trivial and silly. It’s great.

Bopha was gonna get up and go to Rasoi and was trying to tempt me to go with her, but ultimately she was too lazy so I made potato curry instead, and then Emma showed up to get us to go listen to Will spinning at Brazil but then she stayed for curry and oh my god they both went on about it so much. Apparently my Indian Potato Curry is the meaning of life and it tasted like it was cooked with love (“maybe that’s because I haven’t stopped talking about boys all fucking afternoon although love hasn’t entered the picture” – “if that’s the case Jo, you should always be thinking about boys when you’re cooking”). I stacked the kitchen (although it’s messy again now, damn Kara) and took the recycling out, and changed my bed linen because I was feeling domesticated. And now I’ve been spending far too long online, so I oughta get. I’m disturbed though – no one’s emailed me so far to ask for my address to send me birthday presents. Does that mean that you all already know where I live or what? I mean, think about how much I give to you each day with this journal. Really. Don’t you think it’s time that you gave something back? (And could I fish any more? No I really don’t think I could. Don’t worry, I’ll be sure to give myself a nice hard slap). Also, Daddy has booked me a ticket on the 3rd to fly down to Wellington, so he is cool.