Hubris.co.nz

Okay, my minute entry starts…. NOW!

Got home at 5am this morning with Nige, Pete and Brad. Convinced boys to stay up til the sun was up drinking gin. Went to bed. Woke up to swear at marketing people calling me at 10.30 on a sunbloodyday. Went back to bed. Woke up around 1.30 to find boys all in lounge watching very odd movie with Charles Gronin from ‘Beethoven’. Movie was followed by odder cartoon. Lunch at Wendys. Retrieved my car from Ponsonby, burnt hands on steering wheel. Came home, talked to Jeremy. Watched TV. Sat down to write CV. Rang Kini instead. Read too much of new favourite website about Eighties Toys, minute up!

“Maybe later – I’ve got creamy goodness in my mouth right now”

Just briefly, before I go stick my head over a bowl of boiling water and vicks vapour rub:

Bad:
Getting to tech to find out that you put your underwear on inside out because you were so tired and sick that morning when you put it on, wrist pain, neck pain, back pain, dry mouth despite having drunk literal litres of water, not eating 5PLUS today, Kate B going away soon, not having had a single piece of personal email today, still being awake at 5am today, the guy pacing at the bus stop tonight, Static being off air all day, probably not being able to camp over at Kate H’s goodbye party on account of being sick, Leigh refusing to marry me to spark a ratings crossover, only having five days of stress left, not being able to fit in a Casino Night before I go away, how much I’m looking forward to getting drunk next Wednesday night, one of the boys i had a mini crush on having already moved out of Auckland, dumbass grad dips calling each other unproffesional over the class email list, still not having changed my sheets

Good
Clean towels, getting clicked, PJ Harvey, giving Nigel my Welly # (although I think I actually wrote my auck one by mistake) so we can hook up in Welly and go to Barney’s, my brilliant glossary indexy idea in my Phone project, finishing my Phone project with ten minutes of labs still being open to spare tonight, coming home to find Justin and Maree over, sandwichs in the company of Kate H and Bradley earlier today, Brad having an Alex Lloyd cd now, Anji arriving in the country today, Olivia (full stop), the satisfaction of knowing I did ALL the Phone project instead of taking shortcuts, planning what I’d do on a large salary, Justin giving me exciting ideas about the job future, telling Clayton off for buying condoms (“Son, I think it’s about time we had a little chat), having finished my Special Technological Challenge Report, getting to deliver a seminar tomorrow (look at me, look at how in control I am), my sneakers cos I feel so athletic in them that I jumped over obstacles today, Song Association, Brad filling me in on the past couple’o Home&Aways and us making a date to watch TV together next week, managing to restrain myself from singing along really really loudly to A Life Less Ordinary in the lab today, accidently opening up thousands of porn windows on Joe Fisher’s Internet account at tech today while looking for pictures of a body builder, taking photos on the digital camera of myself for our broadcasting project going “just one more” until Trevor reminded me that we only had a half hour of tape, dreaming that Kini was being courted by a guy dressed as a peanut m&m

“You got nipple licking? I’m so jealous!”

This is me not writing one of like 3 or 4 reports that I’m supposed to be writing. Yes, I am a bad bad girl. I have an awful lot of work on right now. I was at tech from noon until after 8pm today, and I imagine the rest of the week will follow a similar pattern. You end up going kinda stir crazy in the labs, especially when there’s not that many people there except for like Nikki and Helen. I wish I could turn cartwheels. I had huge huge urges to do them today – a combination of sneakers and frustration I guess. My sneakers are good because they’re pumas, and Puma wasn’t mentioned in “No Logo” so therefore they can’t be exploiting anyone anywhere, really. I just wonder why Sirling Sports uses Korn on their TV ads to advertise Puma. Haven’t they ever heard of a little song called “A.D.I.D.A.S” ?

I spent the evening fighting with Quest. It’s such a dumb fucking program, but I suspect Authorware would have been as bad. I don’t know how to put in links from one page to another, which is just a wee bit of a problem. I think I only like Timeline based programs like Flash and Director now. I suspect that my journal entries for the rest of the week will be as boring as this one. I was emailing Kini at work today, as you do, and I was like (okay, paraphrasing now) “Kini I’m bored and tense, I want a shag – don’t tell me to go for a jog instead” and she wrote me back going “go for a jog instead and save yourself a whole heap’o trouble” and so I wrote back “since when have i ever had any trouble after shags?” She stopped writing to me then. I heart Kini. Lots and lots. When I’m a millionaire, I’m so going to hire a herd of elephants to come storming up her street scattering rose petals, just to suprise her. And if you think I’m spoiling the suprise by saying it here, well, would you really think it’s something you’d expect anyways?

I’m starting to suspect that none of my flatmates live here anymore, except the dishes stacked on the bench would suggest otherwise. Ooh, I jsut had a 2 minute chat with Brad who just got home, and will be getting up again at 5.30am for his internship. Clay’s not home – I have no idea where he is. Probabyl somewhere with Kara. Kate WAS home, but has since gone to Johnno’s. I may as well live alone at this rate! However, Jeremy might move in over the summer, subletting Kate’s room while she’s in Queenstown, so that’d be cool.

I couldn’t sleep last night, so I read a “Freshman Dorm” book that I stole from Morrison. It was every bit as atrocious as the name sounds. I’m not that sleepy today, all things considered. I’ve drank an awful lot of water, so I’m peeing every 20 minutes. Oh, did I tell you about our new flat game? It’s called 5PLUS. All it involves is us each trying to have five or more servings of fruit & veges a day, and keeping talley on the whiteboard. Sounds simple, I know, but it’s a way for us to be competitive AND be healthy. Brilliant. Of course, having said that, we’ve now run out of fruit, and god knows when anyone will have time to go to the vege store. Of course, Foodtown IS 24 hours, but I’m already in my Pajamas. I’m sleepy. It’s midnight. I should write a report on our special technological problem, or do a report on the entire project, but no. Wrist hurts. Should sleep, or read crap books or somefink. Do you know what I want? I want a giant to sleep with. No, this isn’t some penis size thing – it’s that cats always sleep curled up at the back of your knees, right? Well, I want someone so big that I can sleep curled up in THEIR knees. It’s different from spooning. I’d also love a Tiger to sleep with. That’d be lovely, as long as it was tame.

I read an article that discussed whether or not penguins fall over backwards due to watching aeroplanes flying overhead. This makes me laugh lots. I like penguins. I like bears. I like people in animal costumes. And pirates too. There should be more pirates on TV.

“arrrrr squiddy, I’ve nothing against you!”

There’s something a little wrong with your taxi driver giving you tips on how to become a high price hooker, isn’t there? I mean, even if he’s just giving you advice on where the rich men hang out. The George in Parnell, apparently, and I was like “sweet mate”. I think I’d just been saying about how I didn’t want to get a job and shit, and he was like “find a rich man, that’ whbat women do, isn’t it?”. Actually, come to think about it, he was a real sexist prick – going on about how much stuff women carry in their handbags, but at the time he seemed funny. I’m gald I didn’t tip him, even if I had to run into the house to get cash. Oh man, apart from paying for the taxi, I didnyt’ spend a cent tonight – how cool is that?

I found myself spending the evening in the bedroom of some apartment overlooking the sky tower and the harbour bridge. There was blue carpet and it all smelt of CKone, because everyone was spraying that on themselves. I realised eventually that the bed was the same one as we sold, and I was like “well no wonder this feels so comfortable” and Jody and I laughed a lot, and then probabyl danced some more.

Oh man, i got the best quote outta Jody tonight – almost “I have a cock in my mouth!” but I can’t remmeber it. Oh wait, yes I can – “if I was drunk enough, I’d do anything with you” – but we were talking about me asking her to sing spice girls with her at Karaoke – honestly. Damn I’ ve been using a lot of dashes.

Tech at noon, group meeting. There’s a computer hooked up on a 56 modem in the lab now, running IE 3.0 and NS 3.0 for us to do testing on, and we discovered that our site doesn’t work at these browser levels. BUGGER! stats from the NSCC say that only .48% of people have used IE 3.0 so we don’t really care about that, but 3.78% of people use NS 3.0 so we gotta do something about that. Well actually, I d unno if we do really, cvos it’s only a couple’o pixels out. And if you’re using a browser that old – even if you’re doing it ironically – you get what you deserve.

Eventually, it’s like 4pm and I’m tired of working in Quest, and having to reboot every half hour, even emails from Kini telling me what she’s eating aren’t inspiring enough, so I go get food with Kate M and Brad, and at 5pm we show up at the TV studios to provide canned laughter for Clayton’s sitcom thingie. It was funny, as were the 3 minuters we made in 1st year that we watched some of. Fuck, first year seems like yesterday, and a life time ago. Arg. I’ve fucked 3 people and snogged 4 others in less than the past year. Nothing like making up for lost time.

After the videos, we head down to London Bar, and Andrew Melville, radio tutor, calls me Joanne and buys me a pint. If people buy me alcohol, I forgive small details, especially when he amends himself to “Joanna” later. After Brad and Kate M have gone, and I’m sitting at the other end of the tables pushed together, Becks Jody and I realise that we’re magenta yellow and cyan in my case. Kate Hamlin buys me a vodka. Stuff is good. Jody Cess and I are the only non radio students – they’re a very inbred group, you know. I laugh a lot observing their social rituals and the inside stories going on. Oh the gossip! Oh the drama!

Eventually we felt like we were under threat of being kicked out becasue we were so loud, and also everyone was hungry. The group seemed to spliter in two, a nd I went with one group down to Glengarry on College Street, which was shut, and many questioned whether or not Randy actually knew where he lived. But we got there eventually, and it was posh. Bex ordered pizza, and got my handful of change to pay for it. There was drinking and drinking – alcohol the radio gang bought w ith the money they’d made f rom the static launch party. They’re not programming it anymore, which sucks cos it’s finally streaming across the Intranet. Dancing to old scary music – Bon Jovi, much stroking of someone’s chest. I got asked if I’d put out for someone in an animal costume, but I think I’d be laughing too much.

“Lydia” by Fur Patrol plays, and it seems group consensus that this is the coolest song ever around right now. It’s such a jilted woman song, and I sing it with a group. Then Jarrod plays Hootie and the Blowfish, and I complain that it’s only ever Saint Pats boys that like this kinda crap, and he’s like “you know nothing about St Pats boys” and I laugh lots, because actually I do. Dylan taught me how boys wank, after all.

Dance dance, drink drink drink, smelly smelly shoes. Gossip gossip, my head hurts, call a taxi, taxi comes, arguing with driver, he’s implying that I’m a whore, runnning into the house for cash to pay, pay, back home, computer on, requests to see my titties, so what else is new? Fuck I’m tired. It w as fun hanging out with people that I don’t know that well. It was also fun to discover the other day that someone I was afraid of hurting has a parallel agenda to mine, so wh00p for that.

More goddam meetings tomorrow, time to feel less sick and then go to bed. It’s been fun. Heh, I amuse me much, thanks Shania. I wonder if everyone’s going to Bar of the Stars now. I wanna go to Karaoke with Olivia again. I was talking to Brad today about Skid Row, and he just had no idea.

I’ve got chills – they’re multiplying

I’m a wee bit tired and stuff now, so I’ll just say

A) there’s stories from the red book to come about yesterday – my midweek dirty weekender.

B) There’s stories about tonight to tell later, but for now I’ll just show you pictures.

C) I’ve become ridiculously smitten with a new boy. Well, I had a crush on him ages ago, and oh, when I’m sober I probably won’t be quite so smitten, but for now I’m drunk, and giggling and not washing my cheek ever again. Heh. This is amusing. I haven’t found a real person (as opposed to Robbie Williams) so sexy in quite quite a while.

I was sitting on the bus today, and I finally realised what I needed to do to get my preloader to work – put in a background – and so when i got to tech I did that, and it worked. And that was good. And then I showed Andrea how to do the HTML scripting to predetermine flash etc and stuff, so I felt real proud. In class we ftp’d it up onto the AUT site, and then we were done. YAY! Karen and Andrea took off to the London bar, while I went up to the radio suite to wait for the kids up there to get their shit together, and we made it in time for happy hour.

So that was cool, and cellphones are definately handy. Three drinks later, we went to Pizza Pizza. THEY SOLD WINE BY THE LITRE!!!!!! We got a litre of red and I texted kini to tell her that I was faking Sydney. I never played Foozeball in Sydney though. We used to play it all the time in first year at Pizza Pizza, but never since then. Nevertheless, Jeremy and I managed to kick ass. Andrea wasn’t in Tutorial D first year, unlike everyone else, but I’m still really glad she came along. Who was there? Umm. At London Bar, it was Andrea me and Karen all celebrating handing in our Flash, and Jeremy who is doing multimedia, but not mmb, and ahhh Peter and Kate M and Clay showed up as did Trudie. And then Clay went to get Kara, and Nigel came along. And Clay and Kara came back. So that was all cool. I canvassed opinions on the end of year dinner that Maree and I are organising.

Can I just say how fucking cool Maree is? She gave me this huge big career counsellor speech last nigth when she came over and found me sitting on my bed going “AAAAAAARTGFHHHHHHHHHH” in sheer terror at the world around me and the past and fuck yeah, she’s just rocking. So anyways, we’re going to organise a dinner for 3rd years only. It’s somethign like eight weeks until it’s all over. BVut I guess that’s good because that so throws me out of my comfort zone, and that’s when i do best, when i’m out of my comfort zone. Apart from like yeah, but that doesn’t count. I realsiedthe other day that I don’t go out all that much – people come here because this house is so cool and we’re all so cool. And while that’s good, it also means that I’m never put in new situations, so I don’t face new challenges or meet new people, and that sucks because i think I need contstant new stugff jsut to keep me running smoothly. I like new experiances.

But Karaoke. Jugs were $4, which was good. Justin said I had nice jugs when I asked him to get the next round. I spilt beer all over myself. Kara, Kate M, Andrea and I sang “Like a Prayer”. There was like no one in the bar at first, which was choiiice. Well, there were a ocuple of hidi people. And the barman’s mother, who Kate M dueted with. Niiiiice Kate. We danced for people. Justin and Peter did a stirring Frank Sinatra rendition. All the boys did a nice Brittany. Kate M and I did Christina. OoohooooHhoh. Clayton and i had a dance together, flashbacking to our glorious victory the last time we were at the Hub. He’s fun. We weren’t very co ordinated though. Peter made me get up to dance to ‘Balimos’ even though Brad wasn’t there. Kate M did the COME ON TIQUERO bit with me. Popular Kate did a stunning solo number. What was the song? I can’t remember. But it was fantastic.

Clayton and Kara went off to something else very early on. Popular Kate was on duty at the hostel for most of the time so she had to leave and took Justin with her. Later, Andrea Jeremy and Kate M all went off to the Link together. I figured I would stay to keep Peter company since he had to wait 90 minutes until his next bus. But then we went to investigate the mysterious mezzanine over the bar, but when we found out it wasn’t actually a mezzanine I decided I was bored, so it was off to the Otara bus for me.

Came home, and fed Tahallulah dry bread and water. I feel so awful for her. I hope Kate never has kids. And my head hurts now. I want some pills. I want some sleep. I hope when I get to bed that I won’t be thinking. I was going to sleep with Kate B last night, cos we were in her bed talking anyways, but then she was going to leave her stereo on, and she’s a huge big duvet hog. I’m still having very vivid disturbing dreams though.

These are highlights from my journal that I kept in my red book in Australia. Obviously, it’s not everything. I was doing a whole bunch of thinking, and no one needs to read all of that. But these are the entertaining highlight parts.

Thursday 29/6/00

Interesting… Kini gve me directions to to the Sydney Museum, but I have a suspicion I fucked up, cos I’m currently sitting on the steps of the New South Wales Art Gallery. This is also fine with me. I realy should go to more exhibitions! Serves me right for following a bunch of school kids, I guess. Maybe Adrian can take me to the museum in the afternoon. For now, it’s lovely and sunny and the gallery opens in ten minutes.

My stomach is doing funny rumbly things. This is not a good sign! I spent yesterday at Kini’s house again, relaxing. Her room is so light and airy (it’s just like a CKone bottle, I’ve deiced) it feels like some expensive private clinic I’ve been checked into. Betty Ford perhaps. I’m going to clean up my addictions!

*****

Later – 11.30ish

Actually, I’m really glad that I didn’t make it to the museum, because the art gallery was realyl really cool. I know where the museum is now – i should have gone right out of Hyde Park instead of left to the Land Office that looks like a fucking museum! If I’d been wearing my contact lenses, I might have realised.

But anyways, I feel really good and cultured having been to the art gallery. I am so glad I did Art History in 7th form, because it helped me to understand things better. Plus the whole fact that we _had_ to go to exhibitions made it easier for me.

The first colleciton I looked at was 20th Century Australian Art. There wasn’t anything too striking htere, although I picked up on Colourfields, Impressionism etc etc. A couple of artists had work that looked a lot like Rita Angus. Next there was 19th Century Australia Art, which was kinda boring too, but that dissolved into International Stuff, and I became more intrigued. I love myths, and classics. I really oughta learn mre. I think when I’m in Welly, I’ll try and borrow some books of myths off Karen. One picture I especially loved was of Ipheginia sleepign, while this guy Cymon was staring, transfixed by her beauty. I want to be enchanting. I want to be beautiful. I think I’m tempted to start writing mythical stories instead of journal entries. The 21st century needs greater inspiration. Where are our gods? Christianity just isn’t as interesting. We need divine love, and loyalty and faith and honour and compassion and courage and revenge and anger. We need deities who can be humanised.

Off my soap box now. One other piece that really inspired me was this statue of a man, woman and child that was half carved into a flat surface, like the Athena Nike from the Arcropolis. The female clung to the male, in complete love, and together they held a baby. I hope I misinterpreted the look in his eye – it seemed almost as if he was thinking of someone else. But that’s probably just me projecting.

Then I went downstairs to an exhibition of contemporary art. They had a lot of stories of installations, without the actual works, which was kind of a shame. But there was lots of other cool shit as well. In one room across a wall there was a whole line of sardine cans, made in shiny metal, with trees groing out of the top and human body bits in the can. They were were quite breathtaking. The trees were exqisitely detailed, and the body parts were so realistic. There were penises and vaginas, sure, but the parts that attracted me were the curves of the back. I got to know one person’s back so well – maybe that’s symbollic. Or maybe not. In the ame room were beaded coral sculptures that seemed to float inside their glass cabinets. Beautiful.

I have fallen in love again. In one room of the gallery, the lights were dimmed and opera music was playing. A circular track around a pile of bricks had two projectors moving around, shining their images onto the bricks. The first was a close up of a man’s face. The second was his whole body, twisted by at rest. He was looking at me! I feel i know him so well, eyes pleading for me not to leave, to help him become real.

There was another installation nearby, where a huge screen took up a whole wall. Projected onto it was video footage of about 15 men, standing still. I went and sat down to watch, because they didn’t really keep still at all. It was really fascinating, actually. The young guy at the end didn’t seem to move at all, but eventually I caught him blinking. That meant I could leave satisfied. Art gallery padded benches are so comfy. I admit, I would love to fuck on one.

On the top floor of the gallery was a collection of black and white photographs by Olive Cotton. She’s amazing. Yet again, my favourite pieces were the portraits of Max, her two year husband, and the photos he had taken of her. I’m obsessed with finding true love I think. And I so want a man who’d want to take photos of me!

Now I’m sitting in Hyde Park near the fountain. It’s really windy, so every so often, huge big mists of water drift around. It looks amazing. Unfortunately, it’s starting to cloud over a little. I hope it doesn’t rain! there’s a man talking to a spunky young Dutch tourist on the bench to me – I think it’s so lovely when people are nice! The man’s gone now, so maybe I should volunteer to be tourguide! But then again, I’m scared it’s about to rain. I’d better go get underground. Brr!!

1pm

Tiny moments that make me believe the human race as a whole is going to be okay? An old woman in the middle of the hustle and bustle of the QVB sitting calmly on a bench pouring herself a cup of tea from a thermos.

Kni and I were driving home the other night, and the radio was tuned into some love songs request program. This guy rang up and was dedicating Chicago’s “Inspiration” to his princess, who’d made his life so much better even though they’d onyl been together 3 months. We were mocking, but it was so sweet that Kini started crying. And then I cried because I thought that was so unbelieveably cute and because I want to be someone’s princess too, dammit!

4.39pm

Goddam my fucking feet hurt big lots! I went to meet up with Olivia where I’d always met her – outside the posh foodcourt. She showed up, looking radiant as usual, and gave me my birthday present. It’s a tiara – yay! Just a little one, attached to a comb, and it’s very cool. Just before i met up with her, I bought myself a hair scrunchie. And when I say “hair”, that’s exactly what I mean – tufts of synthetic blue and blakc hair sprouting from an elastic band. It rocks!

Both Olivia and I were really hungry, and i had a hankering for some Chinese, so we proceeded to a foodcourt underneath Grace Bros. It was completely pack. Once we’d got our food – peeking beef and sweet & sour pork for me – we searched for like five minutes trying to find a seat. We had absolutely no luck, so we jumped on an escalator to find a bench to sit on. We found one – sharing with a very sleepy old man. It wasn’t the most ideal eating environment ever, but the company was great.

****

After lunch, we went to Woolworths Metro to look for red plastic cups like the ones they have at every single American teenage party. Kini promised that she’d seen them, but there was no joy. We searched the entire store. I almost bought a set of minature books for $1.20 but couldn’t ick any catergories. I also almost bought a crystal ball lamp, because they were only $13, but as Olivia pointed out, there was no way to change the light bulb inside it. Hmm, what a mystery! But Oh was very smart to spot the fatal flaw!

Then she had to go back ot work, and I had to go meet Adrian on the town hall steps. Because it was raining, Iw as waiting under the cover at the top of the steps when some dumbass doorman guy told me to move to the side. Like i was fucking blocking access! So I went to go stand in the rain, because I was feeling spiteful. He told me I could stay under shelter, just to the side, but I pretended I didn’t speak English. es, I was being dumb.

I was almost hoping that Adrian wouldn’t show up, cos IW asn feeling a little sleepy and not that sociable, but then he arrived. Since he had no plans, I suggested we should go to the museum, and he agreed. Since it was my idea, I paid the $8 each, and I’m glad I did, cos goddam, the museum was crap! I would have felt realyl bad if I’d made him pay for that! The first room was full of different kinds of skelatons – including a man on a horse called “The Bone Ranger”. Oh dear! On the mezzanine leve around the bone room were fascinating exhibits on rocks. Really really thrilling stuff! The highlight, of course, was passing the Gem Vault and having Adrian comment “you belong in there”. Heh. There was also a lot of dead birds and insects that did not hold our interest. We went to the Discovery Centre and looked at bugs under microscopes and cd roms, but restrained ourselves from going on that Internet thing. Kids World was only for 1-5 year olds, which is a shame because it looked like the most interesting area! Kini rang me while we were in the Evolution Area. She was like “where are you” and when I said the museum, she was like “Still????” so I had to explain. The dinosaur exhibit was boring as well, kids running crazy. We found their makeout room though, cunningly disguised as “the music room”. In some other section, there was a tiny little bug room that I folded myself into, although i’m not entirely sure why. So yeah, it was a crap museum, but it filled in some time, and at least I can say I did something. There was a sperm whale skeleton in the foyer – I said it was huge, Adrian thanked me.

Then he was feeling peckish, so we went to get some food at – oh god – Cafe Americana in the QVB. It was just like a cafe in Japan, only without hot towels and the plastic display food. I was feeling very sleepy by that stage- I could have quite happily put my head down on the table and slept. But that would have been rude. Adrian paid for my (crap) ice cream sundae, and we went to Soup Plus to make a booking for tonight. Then he took me to Coles, where we again searched fruitlessly for red plastic cups. He reckons they’re contraband in NZ – I’m not sure I believe him, eh! We were talking about Melbourne vs Sydney, and I suggested that the difference is that Sydney has no soul, much like Auckland vs Wellington. Adrian went hom, and I came up here to the Sky Pub in Kini’s building. I rang her to tell her – she really doesn’t seem to like the idea of me hanging out here for hours. I don’t know why. I’m only on my second vodka. And it’s not like anyone is trying to pick me up. They should be, dammit! I give great head! Maybe I should tattoo that across my forehead. Or maybe not.

Okay, it’s 6pm now. Kini should be down soon.

****

Did I mention that my bag strap broke? That really really pisses me off! I’ve had to carry it around clutching it all day. Not comfy! I’m also pissed off that i had to pay adult fare of $8.80 return on the train today. My student ids just weren’t good enough, apparently!

Gosh they play a lot of crap music here! Ah well, at least my second vodka was only $2. Happy Hour must be over – they just made a beeping noise. We’re supposed to be meeting Leigh in six minutes. Where oh where is Kini? She should have called. I should call her I guess, and go meet Leigh by myself. Or, after calling her, I oculd just meet her downstairs in ten minutes. What a great compromise! Olivia wants to go to Karaoke tomorrow, and has suggested that Kini and I stay over at her house afterwards and go to the airport from there. Anyways, I should probably get my shit togehter and go now xoxo

Friday 30th June

So, here I am for the last time on the train to the city. O nly this time, it’s the afternoon and I am by myself. Oooh brave me! I almost got on the wrong train, but luckily I didn’t. Oooh smart me!

I’m really sad to be leaving Kini’s house. I love her so much and it’s been so restful, just chilling and relaxing. I feel heaps calmer and way better equipt to deal with my life. I just wish it had never come to this in the first place! Ahh well.

Tonight Kini and I are staying at Olivia’s house, and hopefulyl going to Karaoke beforehand. It’ll be weird being in Oh’s house, just like it’ll be weird in Kate Benton’s room as well, I guess. I dreamt about Kate last night. We were going to the school ball with a whole bunch of people like Nicola, but then it was like 1am and we still hadn’t left. So then Kate and I decided to go to the casino instead. We somehow were in Mississipi then, and it so it was really hard to get a taxi. We ended up on some pushpull railway cart, being fed red wine by the two drivers. It was odd. Oops, I skipped two pages. Where is my mind?

These are highlights from my journal that I kept in my red book in Australia. Obviously, it’s not everything. I was doing a whole bunch of thinking, and no one needs to read all of that. But these are the entertaining highlight parts.

Saturday 24th June, 2000 – On The Train from Melbourne to Sydney

I’m sick, kinda hungover. I threw up a few bitter mouthfuls this morning, which was nothing compared to last night. So I’m sipping water now and thinking I will drink less in the future.

I’m really happy with my hair, it looks choice. So yay for that. Boo for the fact that I can’ curl up and sleep and look out the window, but hey, these things happen. At least there’s a needle disposal unit in the bathroom! Handy huh?

Oh, oh, the coolest most exciting thing that has happened so far is that I found notes in the magazine in the seat pocket! Here, let me copy them out for you. They made me smile so much!

“Dear Gracey,
Hello!
umm….
do you love Sean? I hate him
Luv Capa”

“Dear Casey
um… abobt your qestun I Dident spell it rite but this is a big secret ok
I Do sotove love him”

How cute! Go Gracey & Sean! What’s the bet he’ll end up leaving her for Casey though! Ooh nasty bitter Joanna. Yes, damn right I am. But that aside, I was so stoked to find those notes. I always loved messages meant for others in text books. I remember Ammy and I (or was it Rosalie) wrote notes we left for others in our classics books for the next classes. It’s kind of like a cross between graffiti and a message in a bottle. Soon maybe, I’m going to write a note explaining who I am, and pt my address on it, and leave it in the magazine. Hopefully someone will find it, and be as excited as me and maybe even try to contact me. Tanya and Anji used to write to some guy in Palmerston North after they found a message in a bottle from him.

Monday 26th, June 2000

Kini has my photo by her bed. I can’t even start to describe how special this makes me feel. It’s just so lovely to know that someone cares about me like that. I can look around her room and in one corner are the tulip lights I gave her, and on her shelf is the Winnie the Pooh picture, and that’s just cool. She really cares about me. And that’s lovely. I am going to start showing my friends more how much I care about them, I think. I mean, for the past six months I have just focused all my attentions on one person, and that’s just wrong. From now on, I will think about more people!

I am also going to listen to more * (name deleted on account of how i’m not willing to share this). This cd is awesome. I love it. I feel so peaceful, being in someone else’s house, and therefore being surrounded by other people’s possessions and memories as opposed to mine. This relaxes me. This helps me think clearer about everything.

*****

I had really vivid dreams again last night, tucked up high in Kini’s bed with tshirt sheets. In the first, I was back at Garland Road, and we were interviewing prospective flatmates in Clayton’s room. Kate M was there, and maybe Maree as well – I’m not sure. But anyways, the guy was saying that maybe we were too weird for him, which is when I realised i hadn’t seen what colour Kate B had painted her room, so I went to look – it was yellowy marble, and there were these exposed beams (ie it was a totally new room, not the actual one), very farm house.

Another dream that i had put me talking to someone from ASIJ – I can’t remember who the fuck it was though. Anyways, I mentioned Emily Bond, and she didn’t know Emily had died, so we both ended up crying and crying, feeling such a huge sense of loss. It’s strange. I wasnt really that close to her, but in my dream, it was like she’d been my best friend. It was just so odd to be remembering her now too, for no apparent reason. Unless maybe somehow she’s been assigned to be my guardian angel. I’d like that – I did always want to be cool enough to be Emily’s friend. And I could use a guardian angel to make me a better person!

The other dream was that I was staying in a guest house at some big estate, and I was madly looking for some pads, but all I could find were used ones that had been left out in the rain – icky. It was pretty nasty, but since I was waking every two hours to go to the bathroom, pretty appropriate. Oh, exciting breakthrough of the day? Using my first tampon. (this is where you leave real fast if you’re squeamish). I’ve tried them in the past, but was never really able to do it properly. Now, however, I think I almost have it. Maybe it should be in a tiny bit deeper because I can still kind of feel it, but that’s also probably because I just feel so concious that it’s there, if you know what I mean. The first one I put in, both my hands ended up completely covered in blood – it was very dramatic! Second one, there was very little blood, so that’s okay. I was a bit scared the first one wouldn’t come out.

Ahh, vaginas eh? Funny wee things.

****

Today I got up just before 11, and ate cocoa puffs whilst online. Later I had English Muffins and tea. Even later, I rang up Kini and got her to tell me where the shops were. It was a gorgeous day for a walk! I wasn’t entirely sure where I was going, but I found it in the end – some budget supermarket. It was realyl hideously run down, but I got some pads and some pringles, and that was all I was after.

Friday June 16th, 2000

There’s a little red balloon in my ICQ box, which must mean that it’s after midnight, and it’s now my birthday. Happy Birthday me. Yay me. Yay. The big two oh now. I can legally drink. Oh no wait, that’s 18 now. So I guess there’s nothing special about it. I’m feeling very old all of a sudden. Actually, I do feel a whole heap wiser too, so that’s a good thing.

Mum gave me a set of mixing bowls for my birthday, and a rubbish bin. Sure, they are very cool mixing bowls and rubbish bin, but….. well, I guess I am going to Australia partly funded by her, so we’ll forgive her. But next year, instead of having a breakdown, I will spend my time writing a complete list of what i want, like I normally do!

Turned in my final graphics assignments today, which was a biiiiig relief, even though it was fucking annoying trying to get them colour printed – Trumps wanted TEN DOLLARS to take them off a floppy disk, so I was just like “no”. So i printed them in black and white instead, let’s not talk about this anymore. Then I went shopping to get Shirley a birthday pressie, and I got her a pair of satin pajamas, and a travel/work overseas book. So hopefully she’ll like that.

This afternoon, Brad slept through Hollywood Squares, so we didn’t get to play. This means that the final score was 8-4 to me, wuha! We love our afternoon tele, oh yes we do. Then this evening, I was sitting around thinking maybe I should call Maree, but then I decided that she’d probably call. I tried to make a bet with Brad over whether or not she’d show up on our doorstep, but he wouldn’t accept my odds. Half an hour later, low and behold, she rang to say she was coming over, and we laughed lots. But she made us fudge later – no, not fudge packing. Apparently my mind is in the gutter, despite the fact that she calls me a “light horse” (as opposed to a dark horse, obviously). The fudge didn’t set, so we have to eat it off spoons.

I was going to go to the supermarket tonight, but Juice is back on. I discovered that by accident, and sat watching the music video that was on for a couple of minutes before I realised what i was doing. Then I started shrieking in joy, of course. But with the good comes the bad, and in this case, the bad is the news that Dawson’s Creek is going to be moved to Friday nights. There goes Tuesdays at Garland! Cos if we host people on fridays, then they’ll want more entertainment than a bowl of soup or stir fry. What’s a girl to do? Oooh I know! Leave the country for two weeks, and then the city for another two. Brilliant.

So, if I don’t write anymore tomorrow or sunday morning, miss me heaps. You can still email me, and I might be able to get it even. I will definately be online in Welly, and probably in Seedneey. Depends whether or not Kini ever lets me out of bed. Personally, I’m not too fussed – I just wanna sing Dusty Springfield! So yeah, don’t worry if there’s no new entries, it’ll just be cos I’m busy and not in the vicinity of the computer. I’ve handed in all my assignments, exams are over, I’m eating properly, I haven’t thrown up in a week, and the biggest stress in my life now lives in another city. I am doing so much better, and I expect to get even better still.

Hooray for everything!

It’s cold, but not as cold as it has been, and I’m feeling quite snug. I have also just finished my last assignment – designing a business card, advertisement and another cd cover. My ad was for a rave called “Olympia” and it featured a 3D logo typa thing. I made up dj names for it, so there was DJ Twin, cos I was talking to Shirley on the phone, Fork, Spook, and then I started looking around my desk for Molko, Bik, and Korma. Oh and Colour By Numbers, which was an allusion to the number thing I was reading Shirley at the time as well.

Why is it that whenever I’m brokest I go shopping? Maree and I went to St. Lukes today (I rang her – she was like “I was just about to call you, only I thought ‘no, must not call joanna, must study, must not call joanna’ “) so that we could find birthday presents for Shirley, but instead I found myself buying a pressie for Kini, because when I saw it I knew she had to have it, and I love her lots and stuff. And Maree convinced me I needed more foundation, and I DID need saline solution, and a budget hoodie, so I was well served. Except of course, for not getting Shirley a pressie. I will have to look again tomorrow. Oh, we also cut Maree a key, so now Kimmy Gibbler can come over whenever she wants. And she can house-sit for us.

Our ad in the Herald rang today, but only one guy rang about the flat, and he seemed put off by the fact that there’d be four of us in the house. Go figure. He sounded boring anyway. We still have ads up at uni and AUT, and will have a couple in the trade and exchange coming out on Monday, but it just seems like a lost cause really. I’m stressed, yes, but Brad is calm, and it’s him that’s going to be left here alone whilst Clay and I trot off on our holidays. Although of course, Maree will be around. She’s driving me mad lately calling me “cutie cutie cutie”. Apparently she thinks the number of guys that I have slept with is extremely cute. I’m not sure I agree with her, but I guess the fact that I’ve uncontrollably started sucking my thumb doesn’t help much either. Brad keeps on laughing at me for that too. And if Clayton was ever home, he probably would as well. Man, I’ve become such a target for ridicule! It’s just not fair!!!!!

Three more sleeps to go! I am very very excited, as you can imagine I would be. Our house is such a pigstye right now – I dont’ know whether I should clean it before I go or not. Brad reckons this is our equilibrium, half way between the mess of Simon, and the clean of Thomas. Gosh, I quote an awful lot of other people, don’t I? Oh yeah, I wanted to quote this too:

From: “Peter Mahoney”
Date: June 14, 2000 7:37:20 AM EDT
To: Joanna McLeod

“Peter and Kate M were discussing my journal tonight at the bar, cos they’re both sometimes readers. ”

Sometimes readers? I’m so desparate for human connection these days that I actually got on the net tonight *just* to see if you’d added anything new to your journal.

Heh. It’s always nice when there are people sadder than me. I still haven’t fixed my desk chair. I’ve stolen a dining room chair instead. Oh, remind me to ring Dr. White tomorrow and reassure her that I’m still alive. And I must ring Penny and invite her for saturday, and do some more laundry, and write a packing list. My life is very exciting, as you can see. Yaaaaaaaaaaaay I turned in my report on my cd rom today. Brad had lent me his laptop last night so I could work on it in the lurve tent. Damn I wanna laptop now. I felt so New Media. If only it was an ibook. Right, I’m just rambling now. I should stop. Okay.

Oooh I got my first birthday card yesterday, from Karen – it was one of those square cards that I really dig, and it had a picture of a girl on it, and the words “Drama Queen”. Bitch!