Hubris.co.nz

I sat down to write a review of sorts of this year, then I just suddenly got hit by this big patch’o blue, which I am taking as a good sign, because while I feel like shit right now, this means that my period won’t be due for a couple’o days. I’d forgotton about how ridiculously low I always get for no reason beforehand. Once again, I feel like i am two seperate people – there’s Joanna who wants to curl up on the couch and cry, and there’s Joanna who knows that the other Joanna just needs to balance out her hormones a little, which is the same Joanna who’s been absolutely fantastic for the rest of the day.

Once upon a time there was a princess who lived in a big castle on top of the hill. The princess lived all alone, although the kitchen was fully stocked and she had a fleet of vehicles at her disposal. The princess spent her time dancing around the house in her underwear, and taking many showers, practicing breathing, napping on the couch and calling her friends because she could.

I was watching myself dance today, because I am a pervert, and I was just really really happy. It’s possible that I’ll be hanging out with people in Taupo that I met five years ago, and haven’t seen since then, and it just amuses me how much I’ve changed, thinking about the shy quiet girl I used to be. I mean, I am still shy now, but I try not to let people know that, and I do dance, I don’t sit in corners. I could almost drop into the Year in Review now, but I think I want to sit somewhere beautiful by myself and write it into my faithful red book rather than type it into Notepad straight off. Plus with half of me being all melencholic right now, it just wouldn’t sound the way it should be, now that I am mellower.

But in case I don’t write again this year, I should probably put in some thank yous. I oooooooooh i’m still alive yeaaaaah I ooooh I’m still alive. Etc. Tech friends – you’re wonderful. Sydney Crew – you’re the reason I’m still sane. Also a huge ta very much to all that listened to me whining and whinging and crying and laughing and smiling. Thanks to those that made me realise just how strong I actually am. Everyone else, well, thanks for reading. I perform best with an audience.

This is dumb, I’m so annoyed by my womanly functions. Grr. There’s this battle going on in my head, and quite frankly, I’m a little tired of it. Fuck you, Downside! I’m beating you! Muhahahaha. Okay, I’m going to go watch some telly. If i don’t come back – have a fantastic new years. I intend to.

xoxox

Today I woke up after dreams about tents and people I don’t know and decided to stay asleep all day. But then eventually around 1.30pm Mum came in and reminded me that Tom was upstairs and that he probably wanted to go home or something, so I had to get up. We played Trivial Pursuit again, because last night I only won because I got so bored of playing that I started reading the answers off the back of the cards as he asked me the questions (and I told him I was doing that, and to put the cards down on the table but he didn’t). However, today my mother and father played as well, and so of course Neil won.

In the evening, I went to see my lover again. I took my parents to meet him. I’m not entirely sure how happy they are that I’m running off with a bandit, but I guess they’ll get used to it. MMMmmmmmmmmm Lo. Neil told me that the characters for his name, Chang Chen, mean something like “massive earthquakes” which is so so appropriate, because goddam just one smouldering look is enough to make my earth move. You know I’m talking about “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” don’t you? It was funny, cos going in, I saw Jen Troup who’d come out of the previous session and said it was wonderful, Sam Benton was in the same session as us, and then Paul & Robyn were going to the session afterwards. So everyone’s going, and so they should too. Just as long as they keep their hands off my Lo. I’m going to go see it in Auckland with Brad again – I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie three times at the movie theatres before. But it was even better second time around, when I could see just how complex the relationships were. Okay, so I’m a little obsessed right now. Well, more than a little.

My parents are going away tomorrow for New Years, which is good because they’re driving me mad, as I think I may have mentioned before. So, party at Joanna’s house in Wellington. Well, I can party by myself or something.

Andeee stood me up for our IRC date tonight, but that’s okay, because she wrote me an email beforehand explaining all the reasons why she might not show.

I’m SO looking forward to seeing my flatmates again. We’re organising the Garland Roadshow. Get it? We plan on pinning drawings to one wlal of the tent to be the Flat Art Wall, and stuff like that, spreading our special brand’o loving around the countryside. I’ve been texting Brad today with trivial discoveries, such as the origin of the word “Drongo” (a 1920s racehorse who was so bad its name became a putdown) and the fact that a group of bears is called “A Sleuth of Bears”. Hehehehehe. This prompted Brad to text me back saying he’d had an idea for a brilliant TV show – a group of bears go around solving crime. Now how cool would that be? Course, if I’m moving out to the Gobi Desert to live in Lo’s cave, I won’t get to see much more tv, but I figure the payoff is worth it.

I had dinner with my parents tonight at Little India, because I’d previously said I could murder a curry, although I changed my mind to craving Chinese. We sat by the door in a very nasty draught and hte place was waaaaay too loud – too echoey. The food was pretty average – I wouldn’t recommend it. I would recommend ‘Crouching Tiger’ though – have I mentioned that before? Especially the desert flashback bit. It makes me laugh, it makes me cry. I sit on the edge of my seat, I wet my panties, I lust and I long.

Helen rang me while I was in the movie (cellie switched off) to say hi as she was passing through welly on her way to The Gathering. Lucky thing. But still, we’re going ot have lots and lots of fun in Taupo. I got this email from Brad:

Joanna,

I really want to go and see that ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Tiger’ film it’s got two five star reviews in the paper.

Why don’t you invite the barbarian to Taupo? Actually on second thoughts, i’ve heard some bad things about barbarians. Word on the street is that Genghis Khan wasn’t the greatest lover – maybe you should be careful. On the other hand, if you happen to meet a pirate invite him to Taupo by all means.

Brad.

Okay, so that’s not so completely related to Taupo, but i fucked up my in/out index page, so I had to put that email in here. I’m a bit scared htat I’ll be bleeding in Taupo, which won’t be much fun in a tent (not that it’s ever much fun). I’m insomnical and having madass dreams which are always signs that it’s due soon. Still, I shouldn’t complain, should I?

The bump on my neck is still there, and it hurts a little if you press it. I think I’m growing another spine.

I’m so so sunburnt. Well, not drastically so, but enough to give me a headache. Too much sun from driving around in the morning in a station wagon this time. I’m actually getting a little tired of traffic, strangely enough.

I got my first pay slip today! It was only for three days work, but now for the first time in the past six months, I actually have a positive bank balance! Xmas shopping here I come.

I talked to Mum on the phone tonight and she asked if I was going to be in Welly for New Years and said that they were going to go tramping in Mt Tongararo. For a minute there I was afraid she was going to invite me along, but she wasn’t. Phew!

I’m assembling my portfolio which means that my mailing list is currently going to get emailed a whole stack’o old articles that I wrote back in 1997. Lucky them.

I only have restricted Internet access at work – “This Page does not appear to be work related – please view it after hours”. How rude!

Brad’s in Australia for the week with Morrison. Jeremy goes away for a month on Sunday. We’re going to buy him a flipping barking dog. Clayton’s going on the 23rd. I am too. But Brad will be back by then, so don’t get any burglering ideas.

All the motels in Taupo are fully booked. I wonder if random people would mind if we just pitched tents on their lawns. I really must get someone to call Jarrod.

“Order! Order!”

Saturday the 2nd of January, 1999

As happens a lot to me, I dreamt I was woken up, but went back to sleep. So I laid in bed for ages, sure that Mum and Neil had left me, and gone to my grandmother’s without me – (YAY) until Mum came to wake me. Damn. I mean, I know if I had a better soul, I wouldn’t hate visiting my grandmother, but it’s just soooooooooo boring and so hot there, and it’s like an hour’s drive out of Wellington. As soon as we got there, I like, sprawled myself down on the lumpy sofa to read Woman’s Weekly and the like. I don’t want to go through Opa’s books once again. Sure, there probably are interesting books there, but realistically, I’ll never read them. I’m not going to grow up to be the famous writer that he wanted me to be. I’m learning about the real world now, not History, so all his old books are no use to me. I hate his big room now, because time stands still in there, and he’s dead but so much of his stuff remains. I’ve claimed as much furniture from there as I think our flat will hold, and I have pens and paper and everything from there already. There’s nothing left for me in there except memories, and I don’t have to go to my grandmother’s house to remember him.

That said, I did come home with more loot – some old frying pans and an electric wok, although that looks a bit dodg, so maybe I won’t take it to Auckers. Si and I were doing inventory, and I think we’ve got most of the stuff we’ll need for a flat – bar a toaster and a microwave and ummm cutlery. I have various bits and pieces from when stealing cutlery from resturants was my obsession, but that’s mostly knives that would be good to spot off. Anyways, it’s going to be cool, so long as we can find a good house and nice flatmates.

In the evening, I glammed up in my new pearl and amythest necklace and new (lancome and chanel baby) lipsticks from Oma (both were things she didn’t want anymore – well, each of us cousins gets a necklace like that – Karen’s emerald one was kinda ugly so she didn’t take it). Mum dropped me off at Smacksalotl, and I did some drinking with Anji, Siobahnagain and Aaron. Then we decided to go to Tueplo’s so we walked down there. Anji and Aaron were pretending to be going out the whole way down there, so I hung back with Siobahn. She was fully on the piss, and asked me a thousand times where we were going. She gave money to a busker in return for a lollipop. He told her to take lots so I had one too. Friendly. Town was so much nicer than it was on New Years Eve. I don’t ever feel scared anymore walking around at night (thanks for that legacy) but I did on New Years. So much broken glass, gang members and violent looking people. I had a moment of sheer terror when I was talking to Steph on the street while she waited for a taxi and all of a sudden Anji was like “watch out” and she pulled me close to her while behind me I heard glass smashing. That spooked me temporarily. I still waited by myself to flag down a taxi for Steph while she was inside though.

Sorry, that was like a different story, NYE instead of Jan 2. Anyways. Tupelo was shut, and so was Studio Nine, so we went into the Lava Lounge instead and I bought everyone drinks. The place was so empty, it was funny. We sat in SUCH comfy comfy arm chairs, which was lovely. They were playing all this early eighties hiphop stuff, which was entertaining, but I SO wanted to hear the Spice Girls. I wanted to do the Stop dance, since I’ve finally mastered. I was so impressed when they played Wannabe, and Anji laughed at me heaps because I knew all the words and I hammed it up.

Anyways, then we decided to just go back to Anji’s, after Aaron had left us. We got to her door, when Siobahn decided she wanted chips, so I walked to City Stop with her to get them. On the way down, we passed a lad called Matt who’s madly in love with Anji, but is definatly unrequited. (Note to ANYONE ever planning to have kids – DON’T call your children Matt – it’s dooming them for life). Siobahn, being the little flake that she is, stupidly suggested that he should go and say Hi to Anji on his way home. Fooooooooooool Girl! I told her that if Matt did actually show up, Anji would kill her.

City Stop was all bright and glowy and full of Junk Food – choooiiiiiice. Siobahn being the little pig that she is bought THREE bags of chips, and it took us only the time it takes to walk through Cuba Malls to devour the twisties. It’s only after drinking that food like that becomes okay to eat. Once we got up to Anji’s, we saw Matt WAS there, so we had a guilty little giggle. I climbed out onto the fire escape again, although this time Anji forbade me to call out to passers by. Both her and Siobahn had told Kirsten at ‘Slotl that I’d harrassed her ex b/f on New Year’s Morning, telling him he was looking “Fly” (he was wearing a pale blue suit for fucks sake, Fly personified!) and asking him to cook us breakfast (which he would have, only we had no ingrediants).So yeah. We smoked up, and ate chips. At one stage two girls walking up Cuba Street met two boys walking down Cuba Street, and after some discussion ended up all going up the street together. I couldn’t help but yell out “SCORE!!!!”. When they turned around to see, I looked the other way. When Siobahn started talking about sleeping, Matt left. Hhahahah. He’s really nice, just Anji is so not interested, it’s kind of amusing.

So yeah. We sat around and giggled a bit more. It’s always amusing when people tell you that they had sex on top of a freezer in an open resturant in town. (Not Smacksalotl, although Anji has snogged someone in the cooler there). The salt and vinger chips hurt our mouths too much, so we devised a plan to neutralise them by spreading Baking Soda toothpaste on them. It’d be perfect. Parents would love them for their kids’ sake, AND the chips would be so soggy that they wouldn’t leave crumbs everywhere. They ARE the chip of the future. That idea is now patented by the way, so don’t steal it (justine). Eventually Siobahn went off to Aaron’s, and Anji went to bed. I could have slept in Melinda’s room, but there’s the spooky staircase there that leads up to the Gimp Attic. And I didn’t wanna sleep in Daegal’s room cos I didn’t know when he’d be getting back from the Gathering (bastard). So I slept on the old bed in the curtainless lounge, moonbeams and streetlights washing over me. I felt so Cosmopolitan.

Friday the 1st of January

Me, as sketched by Penny, January 1st, 1996. Ahhhhhhhhh Ben! NYE 98/99 was in no way as memorable.

Thursday the 31st of December (entry a)

A year ago today, at this time (3.45pm) I was at the Gathering, butterflies eating me up from the inside out, because in less than two hours I was going to meet someone who would ultimately change my life. I tried so hard yesterday to finish up my Gathering story, so that it wouldn’t have taken me over a year to write it, but there’s so much to be said in it, and so many descriptions, so I didn’t manage. It was so bizzare though, because as I was reading through it all, I felt my stomach tighten in nervousness, just like it did on the actual day. But that was after all last year, and I should leave it in the past, yeah?

I’m not really looking forward to tonight all that much. It’s raining, and our plans just seem so….. vague. I don’t think Anji got me a trip, and while in theory there’s nothing wrong with drinking, it’s just so…… usual. (Old and jaded and snobby, that’s me!). Still, seeing Jo again will probably hype me up, if she’s not moping too much about not being at the Gathering with her boy. Usually if I have low expectations, things are great, so tonight should be okay. Fingers crossed. But I did have a rather disturbing dream about it this morning.

I went to a party at Anji’s flat, which of course, being a dream, looked totally different. At first it was really really great, lots of fun people, and pink and yellow creamy cocktails. I even saw the band Garbage floating around and mingling. I knew Jo and her friends Lance and Mischa were supposed to be along soon. Then I spotted Megan Macillwain (sp) and Katie Sullivan – girls from middle school at ASIJ. Megan was the class slut, who was compeltly two faced, and Katie was my mortal enemy in seventh grade – although I got to like her better later on. Annnnyways, I went up to them, and slapped Megan really hard, going “you used to be so cruel to me”. She was like “You’re absolutely right”. I was in complete shock, so I said “really?” and she just laughed at me. Bitch. Then Katie pointed out something behind me, so as I turned around to see it, she slapped ME really hard – I could feel it in my dream, and the two of them went off laughing. I was really upset, because I thought that if I ever saw ASIJ people again I’d just laugh, because I’m so different now, but apparently not. I wandered around aimlessly for ages, really really sad, and for some reason changed into my pajamas. I really really wanted Jo to be there, but she wasn’t, so I went to call her only I didn’t have her number. Karen gave me phone books, which I’d search through for hours, before realising they were the classified ads from the newspaper. Eventually I went out in the rain and managed to find Jo, but by the time we made it back to the party, it was all over, and only Aaron (of enormas penis fame) was left behind, cleaning up.

So is that a scary omen or what?

Anyways, this is only Entry A. There’ll be a B tommorrow. So Y’all come back now, y’hear?

Tuesday the 22nd of December

For some fucked up reason, I agreed to work for Leonie at 9 in the morning, which meant I had to be dragged out of bed at some heinous hour. I did more collation of survey responses with her, this time dealing with parental feedback on the exchange. It was actually quite entertaining, cos she told me about all the scandels and bitching that went on. One girl (a Marsden Bitch, natch) took thousands of dollars worth of gifts for her host family – including LIVE CRAYFISH. For gods sakes, don’t people know what RESTRAINT means? Or GOOD TASTE?

So yeah, I worked there until 1pm, when Momma finally arrived to pick me up. We went to Ragey Johnsonville Mall, and had lunch in the food court, before doing a little shopping. She didn’t know where Soundz was, so I was like “oooh obviously YOU didn’t spend your wagging time in here”. It’s sad that I do know my way around that mall – not that it’s very big or anything. We We went to the Warehouse, and spent ages in it. It’s such a useful shop! I bought Momma a teletubbies book. I couldn’t resist, because she hates them so much, since I made her watch it with me once. The book’s called “Tubby Custard” which is the catchphrase she screeches whenever I mention the Teletubbies. She scares me a bit. I also got Anji a Winnie the Pooh notice board, and some glow in the dark pens. And roll-on glitter (fuckng cool stuff) and a Little Miss Naughty address book. Not all of that was from the Warehouse though.

In the evening, Karen invited herself over for dinner, but we’d decided to go out, so we went to the Backbencher. It was really nice food, despite that it’s also a pub, so there were larrikans drinking there. I had a vension salad. The bluecheese wontons in it were pausewitheyesclosed delicious. Plus I got unintentionally groped by the cute waiter when he misjudged putting my plate down. But that was just around my stomach, not my breasts, luckily. Our table was really close to the bar, and at one stage, this ugly bastard turned around and set his empty beer glass right on our table. I smiled a big smile at him and was like “yeah choice” and gave him two thumbs up, “that’s okay, we really didn’t need our dining room table anyways,eh!”. He sheepishly picked up his glass and took it to the bar. Later I overheard him telling his drinking companions about it. Sure, it may seem petty, but really! It was OUR space.

Karen came back to Ngaio with us to bake muffins in our oven, and I sulked around because my page wasn’t working properly (that fucking photos link!) and cos I wanted to get back into town to go visit Anji. Eventually she was done. We had a spat in the car, because she was taking too long to finish her sentence, and I told her not to bother because I was sure that she had nothing important to say. Ouch. Yeah, I know that was too harsh. It sort of came out wrong. But to make it up to her, I invited her to hang with me and Jo on NYE. She’ll probably pike early on us – just so long as she has some fun, that’s cool.

After dropping her off, I went into Axolotl, and Anji was sooo sad, i felt really bad. I hung out there for a while, then took her home. Karen was still up, so she showed me her new room. I was very pissed off to learn that Annushka (best friend) had given her “the Magic Toyshop” by Angela Carter for Xmas when I’d specifically rung Annushka to ask her if Karen had it, since I’d just bought it for her. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. So now I need to get a new pressie for her.

Then I picked up a Woman’s Day, and went to sit and goss to Anji in her room while she painted glasses for her flatmates. I stayed there until like 1am, so I didn’t go online when I got home. Yes, shock horror! But I’d spent a lot of the afternoon revamping my webpage, and joining rings and stuff. Yay, emails and guestbook signings from strangers again. That’s always cool!

Saturday the 12th of December

Saturday. This makes two weekend nights I’ve been home in a row. No wonder I’m depressed. EVERYONE is either busy tonight, or too tired to go out. Jen Troup told me to come to this d&b rave at the James Smith, but I don’t wanna go if I can’t go with anyone. Sigh. And there are like a thousand movies I wanna see and all, but yet I’m just sitting here at my computer. I’m really trying to finish off my Gathering story, but it’s hard. It was nearly a year ago after all, and it was just so… I dunno. Very intense.

I was in Tandys today, and I saw the Gathering cd and I just about cried. I so so so want to go this year, but I can’t afford to, and none of my friends or sisters are going. Besides, I figure it’s time I moved on. I mean, I’ve been to the Gathering two years in a row, and while both times were very different, they were still the same location. I should get some more experiences. In 95/96, I went to the party where I met Ben. That was just a regular couple of parties, and that turned out great, so I don’t NEED to be up on a hill to have a good time, do I? Besides, if I go to the Gathering this year, I’ll just spend the whole time thinking about Matt, which I don’t need to be doing. It’s funny cos I went to Nelson in 96/97 so that I wouldn’t be thinking about Ben, which is when I wound up going to the inagural Gathering. The next year I went back with my sisters and to meet Matt. And now I think that it’d be a good idea for me not to go, so that I can move on with my life. Jo said that I could hang with her, which’ll be choice, if I can just relax and actually get comfortable with strangers.

Today was her picnic in Civic Square, which was cool. She has so many friends man! Just like a butterfly flitting from flower to flower is Our Jo. I just felt a wee bit out of place, because I didn’t know anyone, and I was really tired and not at all chatty. But it was cool anyways, I still had fun. It’s just funny how seamlessly she blended in with MY friends. I guess some people are just more outgoing than others. I’m just not so comfortable in large groups. Or in any enviroment that’s not my own. For example, on chat, I’ll be like the queen bitch, and totally dominate, but pretty much only in #left or possibly #mirc – rooms that I’m used to. That’s okay though, cos I know I’m so much more outgoing than I used to be. I wish that ASIJ held a reunion in Wellington, or my Onslow friends came to Auckland. I’ve got this real need for revenge, or to like, prove that I’m better now. It’s kind of sick I guess. If I still have that need, maybe I’m not better. Fucking hell! I’m thinking too much. This is the problem with staying at home and being bored. I watched ‘To Die For’ with my parents, but that only took up like two hours. Now I’m talking to some guy called Mark from the Vision project, and I’ve sent him some of my short stories that are going to be used in collabarative efforts. The only problem is that ‘Frozen’, one of my favourites, and the one he wants to use, is the story that Justine stole, and had published on reckoning.net. Bitch. I mean, it’s weird cos I don’t know her at all except from hearing a few things about her from Simon, and from her webpage, but I feel like we could maybe have been friends if we’d met a different way. That doesn’t excuse her stealing my whole story concept and claiming as her own, without giving me an inspiration credit or anything. I hate being petty, but it really does bug me that she did that.

While I have all this time, I’ll tell you a wee little story that i was just thinking of while working in the Bakehouse yesterday. No, actually I won’t. This entry is long enough already, and not everything needs to come out on here.

Monday, November 16th – sort of

Okay, so I think that TECHNICALLY it’s still the 15th, but hey – by the time I’m finished
it’ll probably be the 16th. Oh who cares? It’s my journal and I can do what I want in it.

So yeah. Tonight I drove Shirley’s car to the shop – now THAT was interesting. Her
gearstick didn’t seem to be centred properly, so I fought with it for ages. And stalled
three times pulling out of my park. Then I got lost driving around the block, and had to
turn around in an area the size of a playing card. I hate manuals. I was on a mission to
buy chocolate – mission was a success, captain!

Shirley and I watched this cheesy show about NZ love songs, that was kind of lacking,
and Ardijah had no place on it. I liked the Exponents (Victoria) and Dave Dobbyn
(Loyal), Chirs Knox (Not Given Lightly – of course) and natch Bic Runga, but I dunno – it
could have done with Shihad or HLAH or the Headless Chickens. Yes they do lovesongs,
dammit! Thank god there was no mention of the feelers though!

Mmmmmm so do you know where this is leading you to? Yup, my very own list of
special love songs. These all bring a nochalant smile to my face when I hear them. There
are others – inncidental music and stuff, but these songs are just the esscence. Actually,
maybe I’ll mention others. And count the number of times the Smashing Pumpkins
feature!

1. ‘Don’t Cry’ by Guns’n Roses, age 12. This was my theme song for Ryan Rimschnider
in 7th grade. They used to play it at all the dances and it always made me cry. This was
the guy who, along with Lisa Gonser, was so cruel to me in English class that I started
composing suicide notes, thinking to get Revenge. Hey – I was twelve – colour me
dramatic. Then along came the video for ‘Jeremy’ by Pearl Jam. I thought “Hey, cool
idea” then realised I didn’t want to be a copycat.

2. ‘One’ by U2, age 13. This one is for Simon Darby, who I had on-and-off crushes on
during sixth-eighth grade. He’d had a crush on me in fifth grade, when I fiirst started at
ASIJ, and used to taunt me, pointing to NZ on maps going “homesick?”. I have to forgive
him though, cos he was into MC Hammer at the time – and even had 3 pairs of the pants
to prove it. In fifth grade I was lusting after Scott Pertel, who had long tanned legs and
three pairs of reebok pumps. He was going out with Heather Delany – my mortal enemy.
She was the most popular girl in the grade, and even at age eleven had…..shock horror….
BREASTS. I was in her homeroom in seventh grade, and she was actually really nice.
Simon was also in my homeroom that year, but I think I was too busy wanting Ryan -
who, coincidently, went out with Heather for a week that year. Annnnnnnyways, back to
Simon. He became my main squeeze in eighth grade, and was given the code name ‘BS’
by me and Beth, since his catch phrase was “BIG SMILE”. Beth asked him out once,
which devestated me, but he turned her down. She and he were the reasons I started on
the school BBS system – geek girl at age 13. Anyways, U2 were his favourite band and
‘One’ is probably their last good song since they’ve gone to shit now. I heard it the day
after I’d had a dream in which Simon hugged me and promised to stay friends forever, so
it’s just appropriate.

3. ‘Landslide’ covered by the Smashing Pumpkins, age 14. Like the second day of high
school, I was in the library looking for a monologue to audition for the fall play with. This
guy pointed me in the right direction, and I remember telling Beth on the phone that night,
since she’d transferred to a military base school by then, that I’d met a guy who was kind
of cute. I ended up with a tiny part in the play, while he scooped the major role, which
meant I got to know him a lot better. His name was Nuno Periera, and though he was
kind of short, I was fully smitten. I was also currently in love with Landslide at the time,
and I got inspired by the lyrics “I’m not afraid of changing” and “time makes you bolder”.
Finally, I got up the guts to get my friend Amy Macintire to tell him. Tragic, Tragic. He
said nothing to me, so I thought that was that. Then, on the last night of the play, this guy
called Luke Buckley goes to me “you know, Nuno really likes you, he’s just afraid to say
anything.” That totally crushed me. I know it wasn’t true so I had no idea why Luke
would be that horrible to me. I cried so much before the play that night, such the drama
queen even back then.

Then I moved back to New Zealand. Fifth form passed fairly uneventfully, guywise. I
had a tiny crush on a seventh former named Sam Pearson in my Japanese class, but
nothing major – until New Years Eve 95-96.

4. ‘By Starlight’ by the Smashing Pumpkins, age 15-16. This song is SO the story of me
and Ben Morell- a guy I fell in Love (yes, Love with a capital L, almost the whole deal)
with, although I was only with him for an hour, tops. He was my first good kiss, and my
first get with. I believed him when he said he’d call, and “By Starlight” was my music of
choice waiting up warm summer nights for the phone to ring. I was completly obsessed
with him for nearly the whole year. I stood right next to him at the Pumpkins concert, and
that’s how I realised I was in love with him – I couldn’t move or even talk, I was so
overwhelmed. I could feel him in my every pore. But of course, I didn’t talk to him then,
and since he went to St Pats, I never saw him. I just learnt all I could about him from
Dylan – which led me into trouble. Other Ben songs are ‘Breaking the Girl’ by RHCP cos
that’s when we started dancing, and ‘I Could Have Lied’ (ironic much?) also by the
RHCP, which was when he kissed me, smooth boy that he was. So I guess that ‘Suck My
Kiss’ should be included too, in the three song seduction. Fuck, he was SO the man, I
was completly swept off my feet and didn’t realise what he was up to until it was
happening. He only had two flaws as far as I’m concerned; a) he shouldn’t have lied – I
could have accepted it as just a NYE thing if he’d just been honest, and b) he was too
fixiated on my ass. He told Dylan things went ‘fast’. Oh reaaaaaaally?

5. ‘Set the Ray to Jerry’ by the Smashing Pumpkins. This song perfectly captures all the
frustrations I felt having fallen for Dylan – the boyfriend of one of my best friends. Of
course, I never told him, or her. ‘Set the Ray’ was my favourite song at the time (and it
probably still is), which is why it became HIS song. Other Dylan songs would be the
Counting Crows’ whole album August and Everything After, which I grew to love
because he did. His theme was ‘Rain King’, so we’d always play that at partys, and I;d
even dance to it, not afraid in front of him. He was and is so intuitive, and is still one of
my most favourite people in the world to talk to, because I can tell him anything. He’s
doing a journalism course too, so we have lots in common – I remember one conversation
I had with him about our editorial bond, in the morning after a party when we were both
cleaning in guilt – him for spilling Sarah’s secrets, and me for sleeping next to him, sharing
his pillow and feeling so close. Why did he have to be Sarah’s? They’re STILL going out
so that’s over four years now. I’ve lost touch with her – think it’d be okay for me to ring
him? He always used to taunt me by singing Hootie and the Blowfish, because he knew I
hated them. Singing ‘Hold my Hand’ and going “come on, Jo,” extending his hands out
was more of a taunt that he could guess.

Mmmm. So now comes the bit I’m hidi-ashamed of. Yes, that’s right…….. Internet
crushes. Sigh.

6. Any song by STP. Nick loves these guys and so the two are entwined in my mind. He
was like the first guy I started talking to on the net…. I can even give you the date -
Febuary 15th, 1997. Not, that’s not obsession – it was the saturday after my mother’s
birthday, which was when I started on IRC. Anyways, he was such a charmer, saying
stuff like “I’d climb mountains for you”. It was all cheese, but I took it too seriously,
viewing him as the flipside to Ben. One day I got really pissed off with him being a wank,
so I was like “You just don’t get it, do you? I’ve completely fallen for you”. He was
shocked and things were just a weeeeeee bit strained between us for a while. But now (I
think) we’ve moved past it, and are even better friends. Despite being like my earliest
virtual friend, he’s the only person on the internet that I talk to and like and haven’t met.
And I don’t want to meet him either. I don’t think he could match my expectations.

7. “Black Star” by Radiohead. I remember how I was raving on about this song to Mike,
going “it’s such a beautiful love song” when he goes “it’s about breaking up”. In different
ways, we were both right, just that we viewed things from totally different angles – which
is a good analogy for the way we related to each other. I started chatting to Mike when
the whole Nick thing was at its most cringeful, and we became pretty good friends – I
think. It’s sort of hard to tell with him. Because he was so good to talk to, I saw him as
another Dylan, and developed a slight crush on him. I was grooming and preparing him to
deal with all my secrets when he was told about the crush (thanks Amy) and blew things
waaaaaay out of proportion. Several emails got forwarded to me about the situation so I
wrote him one, which, to put it mildly, was rather not nice. To paraphrase his reaction to
it; “every second sentence was an attack on me – when you get a letter like that you have
to stop caring”. (My memory for detail always did scare him). I felt bad and wrote to
apologise to him but things were never really the same after – it was too fragile and I
thuink I just get too much of a kick out of headfucking with him. He can do it even better
than me though, but I’m not sure he does it intentionally. Out of the blue one night when
drunk, him and his friend came over to my house, and he was actually really nice in real
life. Such clean white teeth. He also came to my birthday party, but I think that was just
to mock. Then there was more trouble after that, involving a lass called Kim, so he gave
up IRC. I think that’s the third time I’ve helped inspire him to do that – maybe that’s just
vanity. If you’re reading this, Mike, cos I know that’s possible, let me know your side of
the story. The other song that lingers from the Mike Era is ‘Protection’ by Massive
Attack – I was the girl seeking shelter in a sympathetic ear.

8. ‘Cherry’ by the Smashing Pumpkins. It’s strange because for Matt, the only guy that
I’ve ever seriously Loved (Ben wasn’t all there), there really isn’t much of a definate song.
No wait, there are. He started to like me when we talked about the Pumpkins, so ‘Cherry’
suits the mood. Amy was teasing him before it really began about having a crush on me
and he was like “well, she likes the pumpkins….” – good reason, pal! One day we both
started singing it at the same time, an eeire coincidence we often had – he was convinced it
was a psychic bond. ‘Cherry’ strikes me as a sort of a cry for help, which is what Matt
seemed to do. I so so wanted to help him. He was always so down, so depressed and
lonely. I know I helped him build up his self esteem to the point where I almost wish I
hadn’t since it’s gone too far now. The line in the song “cos I can tell you once were
pretty” was like how he liked me, and saw more to me than others. Of course, he
shouldn’t have made that judgement over the net. Another song for Matt that’s more
situational is ‘Exit Music’ by Radiohead. This was playing the morning after my goodbye
party when I’d been up all night arguing with him, knowing full well that I was in love
with him and needed to tell him, even if he didn’t want to hear it cos he didn’t feel the
same way. This song caught my desperation and made me bawl. I cried all the way to the
end of the album while he slept in the adjoining room. Then I went to write him a letter
that spelled the beginning of the end. The first bit of the letter was the line “maybe she’s
just pieces of me you’ve never seen” from the Tori Amos song ‘Tear in Your Hand’. I
can just so relate to that heartbreaking song, wondering with Tori why the hell it couldn’t
just work out.

That was back in January, and I’m finally not in love or obsessed with Matt anymore. My
Current Infatuation hasn’t got a song yet. He’s got shit taste in music, and nothing really
strikes me as situational. Having a song is normally the way I tell if I’m serious about
someone, but oh well. I know that I feel seriously about CI Boi, but damned if I’m going
to re-live the Matt Hell again.

Fuck, this was waaaaaaay longer than it was meant to be, but that’s cool. I enjoyed
writing it, and i’m super proud of YOU for reading it all.

xoxox

Who will be next?