Now I have a a toss-up between good or bad. Let’s go with the bad, then the good.

I will try to keep this paragraph relatively spoiler-free, but I have been watching a certain show set in 1963 on torrents, and so yes, you can expect that Mad Men WILL deal with the assassination of JFK (oh, spoiler alert, apparently the president got assasinated in November 1963..) and I was watching that episode last night and because of course, much like you, my moment of “This is history happening right now” was 9/11, and so it was all played out in flashback sequences last night, the starting on Fluox, the Buffy episode at 3am, the flicking to the news channel, the “oh wow, what movie is this?”, the text messages to Kateh and Thomas, the wondering whether or not to wake Clayton, and then the flatmate hunt in the weeks after, but most relevantly, EM’s letters about what he told his son about the bad men when his son’s cartoons were taken off the air. It’s 2009, EM, shouldn’t you be emailing me right now?

But oh, the happy anniversaries! They can wipe out all the badness. And this is where the glee comes in, with going to Christchurch for one night for Harvestbird and Ned’s wedding. I feel very tongue-tied and inadequate and actually quite useless in recording such a lovely mellow event (although I can say that some dumbass Kwikimart clerk gave me terrible directions and it took me 30 minutes to walk to the bar instead of two), but what I can do instead is embed a drunken video for you that I took of the crazy lights in my crazy hotel room:

Apart from that, Christchurch was AWESOME! There was the girl on the plane who recognised me from a rollerderby match (“you’re Jo from Pretty Pretty aren’t you?”) who gave me a tour around the city to my hotel and an adventurous trip back to the airport the next day. There were hungover drinks with Emma Hart who managed to make ME blush which is practically as unheard of as the word “squozen” and the brunch the next day with Kebabette at C1.

I know Kebabette from PPP, so this is a good time to say how awesome the Pretty Pretty Party was. Also awesome? The Pride & Prejudice & Zombies ball. There are great pics on that link, by the way. I do so really love to dance, and the girls and boys at that dance swept me off my feet and all over the floor and I really should have hitched up my skirt better so I wouldn’t have slipped over so much. The fact that I ended up crying behind my (Theresa’s) fan at Motel later that night and sending texts to inappropriate people because I wanted some attention is clearly irrelevant. Honest!

I had a period for like, almost two weeks or something? Which was annoying but at least it kind of made my body make sense. Now I’ve got a three-week contract working from home but all I seem to want to do is take naps, so my hours are a little sporadic and off the standard chart. I have Fridays in the office to ground me however, and I feel really good and confident about the work I am doing. It is very much aligned with my skill set and close to my heart. Someone commented to me on Facebook the other day about how they can’t believe that I still don’t have a job yet and I feel pretty much the same way that they do, only more so.

El moved out but a lovely girl from Twitter who is on Brutal Pagaent (boo!) at Roller Derby (yay!) will be moving in. Brent’s going to move in with his girlfriend so I still need another flatmate. My social calendar is insanely busy. Hubris wasn’t updated for a while, but now it is. Good. Gossip Girl time now, right?

Except Lisa has me watching a Pearl Jam clip where they’re singing ‘Black’ and I expect him to start singing “We…belong…together” like he does in the Unplugged video, not altogether too different from Campbell Scott (that’s right, isn’t it Jessie? I get the two confused) in Singles but then he sings lines from ‘Good Woman’ instead about how he’s lying when he says he doesn’t love me no more, and oh, they’re too much like a text message when someone said that they were going to say that they were over me because they were weak, and oh, fuck you Obama, I am holding you entirely responsible for this, apart from the parts that are Guy Fawke’s fucking doings..

This is one of Jo’s sneaky readers who has sneaky access and did warn Jo that she might post. So, uh, I guess I’m not so sneaky? Or I’m a very very stupid sneak. Sneaker. I can’t keep a sneakret.

Etc.

ANYYYYWHO, last night I attended the 3-month anniversary of prettyprettypretty.com. There were lovely cupcakes that looked like boobs, pink wafers, pink and purple drinks, streamers, Sebastian, Jelly beans… basically so much sugar and food colouring that I may not sleep for days.

Everyone had a smashing time. Though I’m not of the girliest nature, I did use the 4 step Mary Kay hand delightfulnator which made my hands feel like they’ve never worked an honest day in their life. Though probably the girliest thing I did was giggle inanely about how prettyprettypretty Eddie Vedder is.

I came away from the night right before the karaoke… and took with me a lovely gift box with a bath bomb cupcake in it which I might feed to my flatmate if she misbehaves and a CD full of groovy tunes. AND I got a purple bottle of straightening goo from sunsilk which I have used today. Not sure at this stage how much difference it has made because I didn’t use a straightener (didn’t want to goo it up and I avoid that on a Sunday… it’s sinful and Jesus is watching).. I just used a hairdryer. To be honest, at this point, my hair feels no different but the true test will be this evening. If I have rogue curls then I’ll declare it a bust.

…

Sorry Jo. I couldn’t resist.

Actually, I’m a little richer that I expected to be, because my darling frined Nikki ran my number through the IRD and I get $350 back in tax. Then on Saturday, despite that we were both hungover, she took me to the battery shop and fitted a new battery in my rusty old engine, and checked my oil (there was none) and my water, and asked me if I could change a tyre. I can. Just whip out your cellphone and call 0800 500 222. Duh.

Anyways, Friday night was dinner with KateH and Nikki here, and some copious amounts of beer consumption, before going to Steven’s apartment for more drinking. Steven lives in the same building that nigel used to live in, so there were far too many memories for me of crying in stairwells. Oh well. Steven’s friends were rather amusing, and Nikki (and to a lesser degree I) had arguments with the boys about whether or not Pearl Jam should have broken up a long time ago (yes). There was a suicide girls sticker in the bathroom, and three spacies machines in the lounge. There was also a boy there with Frodo eyes, so that was very cute. Eventually Nikki and I went home to drink more beer and hide in my bedroom from Jonny. Later I had to get up to go to Megan’s bed where Nikki was sleeping cos she came-a-knocking on my bedroom door demanding that I go and tell her stories til she fell asleep. I cheated and receited Douglas Coupland.

Then yesterday, being Saturday, there was the assorted car battery madness (it goes now! how exciting!) and much laying around doing nothing at all. In the evening, Allison showed up, which was lovely, and Ammy made us lovely food, and her and me and Bo and Allison all went to the biggass party at Milton Road that the Kids were playing at (Okay, so they’re actually called The Midnights now, officially apparently, so I must stick to that). There were many many many people there, so many that I couldn’t even watch the kids play, cos the lounge was too packed and it freaked me out. At other parties I’ve been to with the rogues, conversations came super easily to me and I was all outgoing and friendly and hot chicks were scored, but it wasn’t like that last night. Maybe I was a little introverted, I dunno. I did have a very interesting long talk with this guy who works for an organisation that’s kinda parellel to mine, and he was cool, but then there was the whole conversation finished “i’m going to go and check out the rest of the party” thing. I found Bo sitting with a bunch’o the kids on the back of a truck, but it was too cold, and they were all smoking up, which you may reemember I can’t do, so I decided to go home. It was about a twenty minute walk, and only one car offered me a ride. I rejected it, strangely enough. Anyways, so I was very very cold and lonely, but I got home and Seb came running out,so there were many many snuggles and a gorgeous warm bed, and that was fabo.

This morning (well, actually it was this afternoon), Ammy and I went to St Lukes and did a ridiculous amount of running around, and I bought a Sony video player. Yay! I owe her the money though, cos my bond refund and IRD refunds haven’t come through yet. We also got picnicy foods, and eventually headed on over to Potter’s Park, which is just a smidgen up the road, for the peace concert. We got a spot in the shade and spread out blankets and mats and had a lovely afternoon of it, even though whoever was m’cing was a dick. After that, there was more struggling with the video before I managed to get the tv tuned to it, and so now it’s all good.

Tomorrow Bo and Leo are working for me handing out shit. I’m so excited. I’m also super excited that our plans for the School Fair themed b’day party for Megan have developed, and so now along with a kissing booth and a gypsy and pony rides, we’re also going to have a second hand clothing swap meet. This party will be fabo. I hope. I was supposed to clean the bathroom tonight but I might just go to bed instead. xojo.

Work today was crap because I made mistakes and stuff, and was just generally not as clued up as I like to be, and the hours dragged on and on and when I got home I was grumpy for no reason at Bopha and Leo so I hid in my room. Leo laughed at me and said “but yesterday you were going on about how much you loved your job” and I said “yes well, i’m premenstrual” (I don’t think Bops and I have synched yet, but HAH! I’m the one taking hormones, she’s gonna have to dance to my tune!). But then I had a siesta and felt much better.

Clay Bops and I went out for a flat/pre-birthday dinner tonight since he’s gonna be in Wanganui on Monday. We went to Sitar in Mt. Eden which was nice and drank lots and lots of wine with our two vegetarian (mushrooms&spinach and vege korma) for Bopha and one chicken tikka dish. We had fun! They gave me a voucher for a one hour massage for my birthday, bless their socks. And then Clay went to Kara’s, Bopha went to Leo’s and I went home and kept my boots on cos they make me feel like a hoochie, and I was watching MTV awards so it just made sense. Laurence and Chris and Emma came over and hung out for a bit, and then they invited me to go back to their house with them, but I was feeling a little sickly, so instead I stayed at home and watched telly some more. j2 played ‘Parihaka’ and I thought that Tim Finn looked a lot like Eddie Vedder in it, so I went and found my Ten cd and lost my voice singing along because I stubbornly refused to take a breath in the “woaaaaahhhhhhhh ahah” part in ‘Black’ and I’m still coughing as a consequence. And then Bopha and Leo came back to watch the soccer, but I had to leave the room because I’m still in soccer overload mode.

Last night’s dreams involved both Laura Ingles Wilder and Milan from Pluto, so I’m looking forward to tonight’s. Also I am looking forward to a jolly good sleep in. Except I have to take Clay to the airport around 1. I hate the airport. Nevermind. I haven’t driven my car for aaaaaaaaaaages since I’ve been all good and walking lots. I’m excited about seeing my girls all on Monday. Ohhh, it’s Andee’s birthday tomorrow; I even tried calling her tonight but it was engaged so I must try to remember tomorrow. And then it’s Emma’s birthday on Tuesday. I ‘m going to see if I can split my hour massage into two half hours, since i’ve never had one before – well, a professional one anyways. And come to think of it, I’ve had pitifully few massages at all anyways. Only one boy ever gave them to me – but I think that was just his way of getting into my pants, which worked remarkably well. You suck other people (And yes, THIS is a diss of you)! And come to think of it, pretty much everyone on the Internet (oh okay, and in my social circle) has seen my breasts, yet the only breasts I’ve seen have been belonging to girls I’ve bedded. What’s up with that? Where’s teh love? I’d like to see some boobies please! It’s only fair.

I bought two heads of brocoli today at 15 cents a head each. This is a good thing. I got them in Northcote, if you’re interested. Today again I was driving around the Shore investigating venues. It’s great. I like Rob in the car division – he gave me a manual drive car today when I told him about the stupid things I did with the automatic last week (I was wondering why the car braked so damn jerky when I was being super gentle until I realised that I was using my left foot on the brake, which as we all know is wrong). There’s a couple’o pajs parked down in amongst the company car pool too – I’ve promised Brad and Clay I’m going to try my hardest to get to take a paj out for the day and I’ll come and pick them up and we’ll drive through Remmers darling. Anyways. So yeah, Northcote/Birkenhead in the morning, then Devenport and Albany in the afternoon.

I had a meeting with the PR Consultant lady I’m working with who’s only in 2 days a week and gave my report and she said I was going well, and that I have full authority to go ahead and book the venues and start drawing up a timetable. Scaaary! I’d much rather someone was checking me every step of the way, but I just don’t have that at work – they leave me up to my own devices. I’m very good at looking busy. I have email at work now, finally my own key and login, but so far I’ve only given my email address to essential contacts (read: Kini and Olivia). I’m trying to be good. I don’t want to fuck this all up. I’m alredy worried about finding a job in February, because I know I have a tendancy not to be very good at seeking things out because basically everything i ever need falls in my lap. Except for my paycheque – grrr! I don’t get paid for a fortnight, and I’m in malls and shopping areas for half the morning – all my xmas shopping could be done by now if I had a cent left in the bank. Ahh well. Tomorrow I’m going to be in a working party conference anyways. Have I mentioned that I get business cards?

Wank wank wank wank wank. I actually am often left without anything to do, so I call Shirley, and since I’m in an open planned office, the people around me would hear
“Hi, it’s Joanna here from *, is that you Shirley? How are you?…….. Right, I’m calling in regards to the communication briefing I received the other day……….. No no, that’s fine……..yes I was in contact yesterday but we decided to not pursue that avenue any further for a while…. yes of course it’s re-occuring….I appreciate that…. absolutely, I’ll just make a note of that…….. yes…. yes….. well would you have some time free for a meeting?…….. how’s today for you?…..alright well we’ll scheduale something for next week then” and then my boss will come back and I’ll want to ask her something so I’ll hang up on Shirley really abruptly going “Great, well thank you very much for your time”. I’m SO a kid in heels and pearls. Nevermind the fact that the rest of the office spends their lives on the phone having really boring conversations with their car insurance and real estate agent places that I can’t help but evesdrop on. Or maybe they’re all speaking in a secret code too. Hmmmmmmm, intriguing!

Because I spent so much time driving today, I came up with a list of memorable car moments that I jotted down because I was bored. You know how I like my lists. Sheesh, anyone would think that I was incapable of stringing together anything more cohesive. And ha! I’m going to alphabetize them by the first letter in the sentence:

• A memory from Primary School; the greatest day of my life ever at that stage was when I got to sit squashed up next to my Crush – Andrew Carnegie – to and from a netball tournament
• Amy and Andee taking me over the harbour bridge by mistake, playing the Spice Girls and bumping the car to cheer me up
• Anji and Greg taking me up to Auckland for Pearl Jam when I was 14, determined to corrupt me and we picked up a dumb hitchhiker who said “Youse guys”
• Countless Welly/Auck drives with Kate B, listening to Cat Stevens, blowing bubbles and taking mad photos left right and centre
• Driving myself to Wellington thinking so hard that later I wrote a 7 page essay on the appropriate course of action to take as a consequence of that thought process
• Driving to Welly with Simon and Matt Sawkill in the backseat, me giggling away to myself like the cat that’s got the cream and is mixing its metaphors like a DJ with religion.
• Going to Waiuku for Kate H’s goodbye party, Justin putting the car in neutral going down a hill and it kept going, freefalling
• Kim speeding along Greenlane West at 3am in the fog when we were on a mad sugar rush and couldn’t see 10 feet ahead of us
• Kini in my rear view mirror, the magical drive into the Coramandel
• MM in the MR2, subwoofer under my seat, lost in Remuera at 4am trying to find food cos we’d been up arguing all night
• Pajero pulling up outside my house in Mount Roskill, Shirley and Dee Cavalry coming to be with me when I found out that Opa died
• Pixie’s friend Sam’s orange pumpkin car, tinnie house in Te Atatu right next to a primary school and I thought we’d be beaten up by protective westie parents
• Roadtripping to Waihi with Shirley, her doing crazy overtaking manouvers and making Trudie scream when I dared her to drive down a bank
• Sung Song association all the way to St. Heliers with Brad in the stereoless Grey Ghost
• the other night in Jeremy’s car, cold from swimming, falling asleep on Clayton’s shoulder

I warned you that i have full stationary cupboard rights – notepads are perfect for lists.

“I think you’re crazy, maybe, I think you’re crazy.”

Okay, so I think that TECHNICALLY it’s still the 15th, but hey – by the time I’m finished
it’ll probably be the 16th. Oh who cares? It’s my journal and I can do what I want in it.

So yeah. Tonight I drove Shirley’s car to the shop – now THAT was interesting. Her
gearstick didn’t seem to be centred properly, so I fought with it for ages. And stalled
three times pulling out of my park. Then I got lost driving around the block, and had to
turn around in an area the size of a playing card. I hate manuals. I was on a mission to
buy chocolate – mission was a success, captain!

Shirley and I watched this cheesy show about NZ love songs, that was kind of lacking,
and Ardijah had no place on it. I liked the Exponents (Victoria) and Dave Dobbyn
(Loyal), Chirs Knox (Not Given Lightly – of course) and natch Bic Runga, but I dunno – it
could have done with Shihad or HLAH or the Headless Chickens. Yes they do lovesongs,
dammit! Thank god there was no mention of the feelers though!

Mmmmmm so do you know where this is leading you to? Yup, my very own list of
special love songs. These all bring a nochalant smile to my face when I hear them. There
are others – inncidental music and stuff, but these songs are just the esscence. Actually,
maybe I’ll mention others. And count the number of times the Smashing Pumpkins
feature!

1. ‘Don’t Cry’ by Guns’n Roses, age 12. This was my theme song for Ryan Rimschnider
in 7th grade. They used to play it at all the dances and it always made me cry. This was
the guy who, along with Lisa Gonser, was so cruel to me in English class that I started
composing suicide notes, thinking to get Revenge. Hey – I was twelve – colour me
dramatic. Then along came the video for ‘Jeremy’ by Pearl Jam. I thought “Hey, cool
idea” then realised I didn’t want to be a copycat.

2. ‘One’ by U2, age 13. This one is for Simon Darby, who I had on-and-off crushes on
during sixth-eighth grade. He’d had a crush on me in fifth grade, when I fiirst started at
ASIJ, and used to taunt me, pointing to NZ on maps going “homesick?”. I have to forgive
him though, cos he was into MC Hammer at the time – and even had 3 pairs of the pants
to prove it. In fifth grade I was lusting after Scott Pertel, who had long tanned legs and
three pairs of reebok pumps. He was going out with Heather Delany – my mortal enemy.
She was the most popular girl in the grade, and even at age eleven had…..shock horror….
BREASTS. I was in her homeroom in seventh grade, and she was actually really nice.
Simon was also in my homeroom that year, but I think I was too busy wanting Ryan -
who, coincidently, went out with Heather for a week that year. Annnnnnnyways, back to
Simon. He became my main squeeze in eighth grade, and was given the code name ‘BS’
by me and Beth, since his catch phrase was “BIG SMILE”. Beth asked him out once,
which devestated me, but he turned her down. She and he were the reasons I started on
the school BBS system – geek girl at age 13. Anyways, U2 were his favourite band and
‘One’ is probably their last good song since they’ve gone to shit now. I heard it the day
after I’d had a dream in which Simon hugged me and promised to stay friends forever, so
it’s just appropriate.

3. ‘Landslide’ covered by the Smashing Pumpkins, age 14. Like the second day of high
school, I was in the library looking for a monologue to audition for the fall play with. This
guy pointed me in the right direction, and I remember telling Beth on the phone that night,
since she’d transferred to a military base school by then, that I’d met a guy who was kind
of cute. I ended up with a tiny part in the play, while he scooped the major role, which
meant I got to know him a lot better. His name was Nuno Periera, and though he was
kind of short, I was fully smitten. I was also currently in love with Landslide at the time,
and I got inspired by the lyrics “I’m not afraid of changing” and “time makes you bolder”.
Finally, I got up the guts to get my friend Amy Macintire to tell him. Tragic, Tragic. He
said nothing to me, so I thought that was that. Then, on the last night of the play, this guy
called Luke Buckley goes to me “you know, Nuno really likes you, he’s just afraid to say
anything.” That totally crushed me. I know it wasn’t true so I had no idea why Luke
would be that horrible to me. I cried so much before the play that night, such the drama
queen even back then.

Then I moved back to New Zealand. Fifth form passed fairly uneventfully, guywise. I
had a tiny crush on a seventh former named Sam Pearson in my Japanese class, but
nothing major – until New Years Eve 95-96.

4. ‘By Starlight’ by the Smashing Pumpkins, age 15-16. This song is SO the story of me
and Ben Morell- a guy I fell in Love (yes, Love with a capital L, almost the whole deal)
with, although I was only with him for an hour, tops. He was my first good kiss, and my
first get with. I believed him when he said he’d call, and “By Starlight” was my music of
choice waiting up warm summer nights for the phone to ring. I was completly obsessed
with him for nearly the whole year. I stood right next to him at the Pumpkins concert, and
that’s how I realised I was in love with him – I couldn’t move or even talk, I was so
overwhelmed. I could feel him in my every pore. But of course, I didn’t talk to him then,
and since he went to St Pats, I never saw him. I just learnt all I could about him from
Dylan – which led me into trouble. Other Ben songs are ‘Breaking the Girl’ by RHCP cos
that’s when we started dancing, and ‘I Could Have Lied’ (ironic much?) also by the
RHCP, which was when he kissed me, smooth boy that he was. So I guess that ‘Suck My
Kiss’ should be included too, in the three song seduction. Fuck, he was SO the man, I
was completly swept off my feet and didn’t realise what he was up to until it was
happening. He only had two flaws as far as I’m concerned; a) he shouldn’t have lied – I
could have accepted it as just a NYE thing if he’d just been honest, and b) he was too
fixiated on my ass. He told Dylan things went ‘fast’. Oh reaaaaaaally?

5. ‘Set the Ray to Jerry’ by the Smashing Pumpkins. This song perfectly captures all the
frustrations I felt having fallen for Dylan – the boyfriend of one of my best friends. Of
course, I never told him, or her. ‘Set the Ray’ was my favourite song at the time (and it
probably still is), which is why it became HIS song. Other Dylan songs would be the
Counting Crows’ whole album August and Everything After, which I grew to love
because he did. His theme was ‘Rain King’, so we’d always play that at partys, and I;d
even dance to it, not afraid in front of him. He was and is so intuitive, and is still one of
my most favourite people in the world to talk to, because I can tell him anything. He’s
doing a journalism course too, so we have lots in common – I remember one conversation
I had with him about our editorial bond, in the morning after a party when we were both
cleaning in guilt – him for spilling Sarah’s secrets, and me for sleeping next to him, sharing
his pillow and feeling so close. Why did he have to be Sarah’s? They’re STILL going out
so that’s over four years now. I’ve lost touch with her – think it’d be okay for me to ring
him? He always used to taunt me by singing Hootie and the Blowfish, because he knew I
hated them. Singing ‘Hold my Hand’ and going “come on, Jo,” extending his hands out
was more of a taunt that he could guess.

Mmmm. So now comes the bit I’m hidi-ashamed of. Yes, that’s right…….. Internet
crushes. Sigh.

6. Any song by STP. Nick loves these guys and so the two are entwined in my mind. He
was like the first guy I started talking to on the net…. I can even give you the date -
Febuary 15th, 1997. Not, that’s not obsession – it was the saturday after my mother’s
birthday, which was when I started on IRC. Anyways, he was such a charmer, saying
stuff like “I’d climb mountains for you”. It was all cheese, but I took it too seriously,
viewing him as the flipside to Ben. One day I got really pissed off with him being a wank,
so I was like “You just don’t get it, do you? I’ve completely fallen for you”. He was
shocked and things were just a weeeeeee bit strained between us for a while. But now (I
think) we’ve moved past it, and are even better friends. Despite being like my earliest
virtual friend, he’s the only person on the internet that I talk to and like and haven’t met.
And I don’t want to meet him either. I don’t think he could match my expectations.

7. “Black Star” by Radiohead. I remember how I was raving on about this song to Mike,
going “it’s such a beautiful love song” when he goes “it’s about breaking up”. In different
ways, we were both right, just that we viewed things from totally different angles – which
is a good analogy for the way we related to each other. I started chatting to Mike when
the whole Nick thing was at its most cringeful, and we became pretty good friends – I
think. It’s sort of hard to tell with him. Because he was so good to talk to, I saw him as
another Dylan, and developed a slight crush on him. I was grooming and preparing him to
deal with all my secrets when he was told about the crush (thanks Amy) and blew things
waaaaaay out of proportion. Several emails got forwarded to me about the situation so I
wrote him one, which, to put it mildly, was rather not nice. To paraphrase his reaction to
it; “every second sentence was an attack on me – when you get a letter like that you have
to stop caring”. (My memory for detail always did scare him). I felt bad and wrote to
apologise to him but things were never really the same after – it was too fragile and I
thuink I just get too much of a kick out of headfucking with him. He can do it even better
than me though, but I’m not sure he does it intentionally. Out of the blue one night when
drunk, him and his friend came over to my house, and he was actually really nice in real
life. Such clean white teeth. He also came to my birthday party, but I think that was just
to mock. Then there was more trouble after that, involving a lass called Kim, so he gave
up IRC. I think that’s the third time I’ve helped inspire him to do that – maybe that’s just
vanity. If you’re reading this, Mike, cos I know that’s possible, let me know your side of
the story. The other song that lingers from the Mike Era is ‘Protection’ by Massive
Attack – I was the girl seeking shelter in a sympathetic ear.

8. ‘Cherry’ by the Smashing Pumpkins. It’s strange because for Matt, the only guy that
I’ve ever seriously Loved (Ben wasn’t all there), there really isn’t much of a definate song.
No wait, there are. He started to like me when we talked about the Pumpkins, so ‘Cherry’
suits the mood. Amy was teasing him before it really began about having a crush on me
and he was like “well, she likes the pumpkins….” – good reason, pal! One day we both
started singing it at the same time, an eeire coincidence we often had – he was convinced it
was a psychic bond. ‘Cherry’ strikes me as a sort of a cry for help, which is what Matt
seemed to do. I so so wanted to help him. He was always so down, so depressed and
lonely. I know I helped him build up his self esteem to the point where I almost wish I
hadn’t since it’s gone too far now. The line in the song “cos I can tell you once were
pretty” was like how he liked me, and saw more to me than others. Of course, he
shouldn’t have made that judgement over the net. Another song for Matt that’s more
situational is ‘Exit Music’ by Radiohead. This was playing the morning after my goodbye
party when I’d been up all night arguing with him, knowing full well that I was in love
with him and needed to tell him, even if he didn’t want to hear it cos he didn’t feel the
same way. This song caught my desperation and made me bawl. I cried all the way to the
end of the album while he slept in the adjoining room. Then I went to write him a letter
that spelled the beginning of the end. The first bit of the letter was the line “maybe she’s
just pieces of me you’ve never seen” from the Tori Amos song ‘Tear in Your Hand’. I
can just so relate to that heartbreaking song, wondering with Tori why the hell it couldn’t
just work out.

That was back in January, and I’m finally not in love or obsessed with Matt anymore. My
Current Infatuation hasn’t got a song yet. He’s got shit taste in music, and nothing really
strikes me as situational. Having a song is normally the way I tell if I’m serious about
someone, but oh well. I know that I feel seriously about CI Boi, but damned if I’m going
to re-live the Matt Hell again.

Fuck, this was waaaaaaay longer than it was meant to be, but that’s cool. I enjoyed
writing it, and i’m super proud of YOU for reading it all.

xoxox

Who will be next?