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Reality / Performance / Results

Reality

This is the first episode that I’m watching on my laptop at home, and I should warn you that it’s making a crazy ticking sound and is too hot, so I suspect that it may blow up. Bear with me.

Previously on Rockstar, apparently everyone did great performances and then Dilana said stupid shit everywhere. As a poster on the TWOP forums said “Her ‘oh I’m new at this’ carries no water, because wasn’t she like, huge in Holland?” – those wacky Dutch people. And Patrice went home, surprisingly enough.

I must also mention now my favourite new thing from the TWOP forums – Stagni shippers – or Ice Storm, which is of course people who dig on Magni and Storm, and possibly even the two of them together. One poster even said “they’re totally making this out to be like X-Men the good guys Magni Storm and Toby vs the baddies Dilana, Lukas and Ryan – they even have the costumes”. Haha it’s funny because it’s true.

Dilana says that when they got back from Eliminations, you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. Storm tries to drink to Dilana’s first spanking, but Dilana doesn’t want to toast it. Ryan says he won’t talk bad about people because he needs to sleep at night,a nd what Dilana says about him won’t affect him, it’ll affect her. Oh yeah? How about what you said about Dana then eh Ryan? She’s all “I was being myself, I don’t know what I was supposed to say”. She’s all “I’m just an imperfectg person”. Lukas wants to take it back for her, and that’s just his strategy talking. Apparently Supernova laid into her for a full half hour at the elimination taping, but you know what? Who gives a fuck? You’re a dick, Dilana. I’m all with the hating on you like the TWOP forums hate on the final episode of Gilmore Girls season six (with good reason, because WHAT. THE. FUCK. happened there?). But back on Rockstar, Magni goes to hug Dilana and she breaks her glass and storms off, and a bit of glass hits him in the face. Right, that’s it, bitch! You don’t cut up my Magni and get off scott free. Lukas is like “what if that’d hit him in the eye?” and they all go to see if Magni is okay, because of course since Magni is a grown-up, he has chosen to remove his bleeding head from the camera in order to try and tone down the drama. Awww, give him a cuddle Ryan. Lukas says “we’re all professionals and we should learn to govern ourselves properly”. Good fucking point. Also, have I mentioned lately how Lukas is like 2 feet tall?

Dilana gets to cry on Storm’s boobies, and how is that fair? Toby cleans up the broken glass, and Ryan says Dilana’s had the sweetest ride so far and yet she’s self-destructing. And to prove that, we see her sitting on a window ledge, wondering how she can fix it. Jump Dilana, jump!

But seriously kids, suicide’s not cool. Unless a rockstar does it first. But no rockers would ever kill themselves, right?

The next day, they have a photoshoot for In Touch and Dilana’s all “i’ve been crying all night and my eyes are puffy” because the world is like, totally ending. Storm used to model (dirty pictures, I bet), so she climbs straight up on the table and poses all hott and filthylike without any guidance. Toby’s all shy Australian, so he says he’s not so good at it, but he’s wearing a cuff, so he gets bonus points. Lukas wears a huge medallion, and talks in his non-English voice. Is he like, French Canadian? Or just drunk all the time? The photographer tries to get Ryan to smile, and Ryan of course looks all intense. Magni interviews that he’s done a lot of photoshoots before, and I remind myself that I need to search for his band’s mp3s since I’ve got my own computer back. He has problems with the photoshoot, because he is a genuine person and doesn’t want to fake it. But I love that this brings in America’s Next Top Model elements because that’s my second favourite reality show. Dilana’s all “I have so much going on in my head, but I have to be strong”. Oh gee, your life is so hard Dilana. Tell us more about the mean streets you came from.

Song selection is Fan Selection week, so the public have chosen what they’re going to be singing. I should point out, that song selection was limited to three songs they’d already sung and one song that someone else had sung, which is ass. Lukas gets ‘Lithium’, and some fan comments. He’s all “Maybe the fans want to see me show up Dilana and it’s going to be fun to see what I do with it. I’m not going to be wearing a hoodie and then exploding it at the end” Heh. People making fun of Dilana is funny. Magni gets ‘I Alone’. Storm gets ‘Bring me to life’ and says it’s hard. Ryan gets ‘Clocks’ by one percent ahead of ‘Losing my religion’, which is much closer than anyone else’s votes for a rehash.A fan says she wants to hear his falsetto, and he’s like “woah, this is what the fans say, and that’s important’. Dilana gets ‘Mother, Mother’ and she says it was chosen for her by her fans. Except that that’s what I voted for, and I’m not her fan. Hahaha, suck it, bitch. Woah, so angry. I need to chill out. Toby thanks Ryan’s mum for writing on all their fansites. Heh.

Lukas is playing his guitar on ‘Lithium’ to demonstrate that he’s a real musician, but he says he doesn’t even like the song. Umm, what the fuck? Did you really just say on TV that you don’t like a Nirvana song? That’s it, hobbit – you’re off my Xmas card list. And then he says it AGAIN. You’re stupid. And Paul interviews that Dilana loved the song and that made her better at it than Lukas. Dilana, meanwhile is trying to strum away at her acoustic guitar, and I’m not even sure that she can play. Oh okay, maybe a little bit. But oh the irony of her singing a song aboiut her mother when she all doesn’t talk to her, etc etc. So she gets her redemption – isn’t that convenient? They could have strung the villan arc out longer. Nevermind.

Reality / Performance / Results

Performance

So apparently there’s been a bit of drama in the Rockstar Mansion lately. Who knew? Well, you did, because you read it here. And you probably watched it too. But did everyone else? Just in case anyone missed it, and also because they only have six songs and are therefore in desperate need of filler, we get to see it all over again, Dilana’s “breakdown”, etc etc. Supernova make shocked faces, but only Dave talks to her about it, therefore allowing the band to keep themselves totally clean so that when they eliminate Dilana because dude, there’s no way that there’s going to be a woman fronting the band.

Anji says “EVERYONE LOVES A REDEEMED SINNER – is the theme of the show?. Do you thin kit was all a PR set-up to make people ?re-love? Dilana??!!” Gee, do you think, Anji?

Now, the more observant amongst you might recall that in week nine last year, contestants sang the fans’ choices as well as their own original numbers (And also when it was down to just six contestants is when we got ‘Wish you were here’ and ‘Imagine’, which have yet to be met). But do you think Supernova want to have their own poor song-writing skills compared to that of the rockers? Hell no. So instead, we get long versions of the six songs, which is nice as well, I suppose.

First up is Lukas singing ‘Lithium’, despite his Nirvana hatred. He makes it pianoy at first, but then it becomes more like the original. He sings in a cross between his singing voice and his growly voice, but still sounds a fair bit like Bobcat Goldthwaite, or however his name is spelt. Dave does that whole “You took a classic song and rearranged it to that?……………. I loved it” fake fake-out, and I’m like oh my god, you are worse at this than Joey on Friends, plus how often have you done that this season?

Anji says “Lukas ? why oh why the piano??!! Angie doesn?t like the piano! Is he going to get told off for closing his throat? I did not enjoy it. And Dave Navarro is soooo predictable. I don?t understand what is with the Lukas-love. Should I read something into it? Do they want him and only him?!”

Magni, replescent in a pretty white jersey and no bleeding from the head tells the camera that everyone needs to start voting for him even if they’re not from Iceland and he makes fun of the other boys’ countries of origin in a way that you know that he’s just gently ribbing, like I want him to gently rib me. Umm, sorry what? I was just drooling. He’s singing ‘I Alone’ and his veins pop out while he wanders around the audience. As always he is great, but I’m not big on Live, his accoustic version aside. The judges love him too, and Gilby says “I know you want this” in perhaps the only shout out to Dilana’s dickheadedness.

Anji says “Magni ? Magni ? he so funny!! Is he wearing eyeliner for the first time?? This performance and vocal effort is at least as good as Ryan?s. And he?s hotter. And he?s taking it to the boys ? smart career move! Nice work.”

Ryan starts out playing ‘Clocks’ on his grand piano, and ends up humping it and rolling around like he’s Michelle Pfiefffer in 1988. Innnnteresting. I think the piano thing was a mistake – not in terms of humping it, but rather how it shows Supernova that he clearly has his own thing going on with it, and Gilby isn’t Slash and won’t climb on top to solo (in fact, many people on the TWOP forums say Gilby can’t even solo at all, but I’m no guitar expert).

Anji says “Ryan ? I don?t like the histrionics at the beginning. His performance is great, but I think his falsetto?s pretty shaky. Not sure about sliding around on the grand piano like Michelle Pfeiffer though! He?s definitely in ? he?s pretty popular.” And I say ooh, is that how you spell Pfieffer?

Did you know Brooke was pregnant? Me neither. She’s having a girl, apparently, according to her their-space.

Storm does ‘Bring me to life’ in a red dress, but it’s not very good. Mostly because the song is a piece of crap, and also it so doesn’t suit her. Poor Storm. And Gilby even says that Toby stole the show from her doing the backing vocals. With suspenders hanging around his ass. Why oh why?

Anji says: “Storm ? She?s easily the best of the 3 attempts at this song. But I HATE the song! So that doesn?t help. It was good to have Toby though. She did start off a bit lower than usual, I agree, and it is also sadly true that Jill?s performance was more memorable. But I suspect that has more to do with the fact that this was a departure from Jill?s usual awfulness, and also she kicked Zayra?s butt, which is always fun! (if you can find it!)”

Toby then does ‘Rebel Yell’ and it’s very similar to when he sang ‘White Wedding’. He did sing that, right? At the end he hauls a bunch of girls up on stage with him (side note: the producers admit to paying 25 hot girls each week to be in the audience so that the camera has someone to focus on) and dances with them. Supernova naturally go crazy for this shit, and I’m reminded of how the TWOP forums are buzzing that maybe Toby’s the best guy for the job, because he doesn’t really have his own style, he’s just a great big larrikan and would certainly get on with T’Lee. He’s mallable and comes across as stupid as their songs. So maybe I agree. Plus, I don’t love on Toby at all, so I wouldn’t mind if that was his fate. He does get props for clearing up Dilana’s glass mess though.

Anji says “Toby ? Gotta love this song!! Nice crowd-wrangling (I?m SURE it was ?spontaneous?!!). Great singing and performance too. I enjoyed it a lot, and I liked his comment re ?id?.” id? Oh right, ID – T’Lee was like, “right, let’s grab those girls and go party in my dressing room” and Toby was like “maybe we should check some IDs first”. And I nearly fell off my chair in laughter. Nice work Toby. But yeah, I still wanna sleep with Tommy Lee and that disgusts me too, don’t you worry. Well, do worry if you like.

Dilana goes last, just for a change, and plays a flying V and I think that right there sums up her music credibility. She looks 54, not 34, and sure she plays okay but man, I just hate on her so much, especially when she climbs up a carefully placed amp to sit on the Russian bassist’s shoulders. So. Calculated. And I hate how this episode was all about her redemption arc. She so hasn’t redeemed herself. Puke puke.

Anji says “Dilana ? Very KISS. Nah, I think she sounds awesome. Her performance was a little bit manic, but her vocals rocked. I just really really like her voice. And it helps that I quite like the song.”

So Storm was definitely the worst of the night, but they’re not going to send her home yet becasue that’d leave just one woman. Instead, if my darling precious Magni hits the bottom three for the third time in a row, it may very well be him, which is why I voted for him three times to keep him out. Or maybe they’ll think Ryan’s thing is just too different from theirs.

Anji says: “My bottom 3 ? Lukas, Ryan & Storm. My picks for bottom 3 ? Magni, Storm & Toby”.
Reality / Performance / Results

Results

Previously on Rockstar, Dilana Dilana Dilana. And Brooke Burke says that Dilana had a heartfelt apology, but when they repeat what she said, it was all “I am a human, I messed up, but I’m back and I’m stronger”. Is that South African for “I’m sorry”? I’m pretty sure it’s not eh, so that doesn’t really qualify as an apology to me. In fact, it’s just more asshattery.

Supernova have found the solution to their crap lyric writing ability – get Lukas to sing. I seriously couldn’t understand a word he was saying, it was a whole new language. What a cunning plan.

Toby gets the encore but doesn’t bring the girls up again. Instead, he does what Magni wanted to do last night “but I didn’t want to get out of the stage lights” (heh) and prowls around the whole audience, revealing what maybe we weren’t supposed to know, which is that Rockstar is filmed in a CBS studio that’s been built to look exactly like the Mayan Theatre that the first episode of Season One was filmed in last year.

Brooke confirms what people on the TWOP boards had been saying as they had problems with voting, that last night saw the biggest amounts of votes ever, and I realise that I am a superhero because I voted for Magni ten times, and saved him while every single other person was in the bottom three at some stage. Wahoo! Although I’m disappointed not to get to hear him again, naturally.

Ryan is the first in the bottom three, and he tells Supernova that he’s going to blow their minds with ‘Baba O’Reilly’. He sprays convieniently opened champagne over the audience, and Toby jumps up to take the bottle over to the rockers. When he climbs up on the speaker stacks, we get a cut to Gilby leaning back in his chair going “clicheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”.

Storm cheers when she finds out that she’s in the bottom three, and says she’s happy any time she gets to rock out with that band, and I’m like “hell yeah!” because more people need to give props to the house band. She does ‘Helter Skelter’ and spanks the snot out of it, running all over the stage, through the audience and jumping on the laps of T’Lee and Gilby (man, I hope she double-bagged it). This is as close to her ‘Anything Anything’ performance as she’s done, and it was such a good song choice for her, even if Patrice had already done the song.

And the final person in the bottom three is ooooooooooh Dilana, who says that this is her redemption. No honey, you don’t get to choose your redemption, the word you are looking for is penance. And you are still wrong. She perhaps has no idea about what the hell irony actually is either, except for that thing that Alanis sang about, and so she does ‘Psycho Killer’. And she’s in bare feet and a long skirt, and it’s just crap. At least, I think it is. But of course, Supernova aren’t about to send her home, so she gets to sit down first.

They say that Ryan’s come the most far (except that they even use worse grammar than that), but that Storm hasn’t progressed at all. Enough with the Storm-hating, boys! Just because she could spank your asses six ways til Sunday and would box the fuck out of you if you tried anything she wasn’t in control of. And then they say that Ryan has to go, without saying that he wasn’t right for the band, but we all know that’s true. He’s Intense, they are Thongs and Lotion.

Ryan’s wrapup interview is fucking AWESOME in its audacity. He says that he was the best performer, and again that Supernova could have had a 20 year career, and without him they won’t have two years. Then he bitches that when Gilby Clarke said his performances had been getting better and better he hadn’t done his research, unlike Jason, because if he’d ever seen him perform before he would never have said that. And he says that he’s going to release an album straight away and go to the top of the charts. Is that your tongue in your cheek, Ryan? Oh no, it’s just your oversized nose. Well, I’m still going to download ‘Back of your car’. One day. Until then, bye bye.

Also in bottom three interviews: Dilana says she wasn’t surprised, and that maybe next week she will climb on some amplifiers. Instead of the Russian bassist? Good idea. Or perhaps you could stop being an asshat and maybe people might vote for you again. Maybe. And Storm says that the bottom three is just another chance to rock out. That’s the spirit girl!

Reality / Performance / Results

So, if I was going to be Gwen Stefani, which I wouldn’t want to be except that maybe I wouldn’t say no to sleeping with Gavin Rossdale, and I kind of dig the Franz cover of ‘Whatchu waiting for’, plus I think that’d be a good song to add to my workout playlist, I’d say that right now, my shit is B A N A N A S.

+ Smoo said he’d pay me $50 if I took a shit in his mouth. Hahaha awesome. To be fair and contextualise it, he did say that when I warned Bart that if he told me who was going to get kicked off The Amazing Race I would come into his bedroom while he was sleeping and shit in his mouth. I warned Smoo that I have some serious lack-of-fibre issues, although that said, I think eating an avocado for dinner last night was quite a clever thing to do, and it counteracted too much dairy.

- I got a parking ticket. For $200. When I was parked outside of my own house, on my own street, in a quiet suburb. I wasn’t on the footpath, or facing the wrong way, or anything like that. I just don’t have a warrant. And the part irony of this is that Smoo’s been keeping his car in the garage cos he didn’t have a warrant either, but now he does, and yet his car was in the garage and mine was on the street, and I got the ticket. Yes, not having a warrant is badwickedevil. However, surely there are better places for parking wardens to hang out?

+ I did however, somehow apparently manage to save $750 on my laptop repairs by the guy at Bond + Bond “calling in a favour” as apparently the problem wasn’t with the power supply but rather that some liquid had got into the computer and corroded the motherboard, or some such happenstance. Of course, if they’d told me that the repair bill was going to be that much, I would have said “but I can buy a new one for a grand” and done that instead. But anyway, I very much snickered a lot at the way that guy on the phone was like “whoever is using the computer needs to keep all liquids well away from it”, all avoiding placing the blame on me, ala Fightclub’s “the dildo, not your dildo”.

-/+ My body is wacksicles. Because I have lost weight around my stomach (you probably can’t tell unless you spend as much time staring at me as I do, in which case I’m both creeped out and a little turned on) my pants are all about the falling-down-ness, but in a case of delicious deep-fried irony, they stay up by virtue of the total and utter lack of gap between my thighs. And now that I finally had a period, Mary-Kate and Ashley are deswelling, and my waist is becoming more and more prominent, and yet my under-boob rolls appear to be growing. It’s like having another set of tits, and it’s very very strange. They shouldn’t be growing. But maybe they just appear to be more prominent because my waist is getting smaller faster. But that’s okay, I can accept that I am a freakshow, and I will not drink Rum with Nate about it too much. Plus, I think I got the left hook last night, when I did a big cardio push and boxing practise at home last night. The bare feet help with the twist.

- Snakes on a plane is obviously a cultural phenomenon (and when I say “cultural” I of course mean “what some people on the interweb talk about), and yet I’m having a devil of a time trying to find homes for all the tickets that the delightful KateH sent me. It’s not that people don’t want to come, apparently, it’s just that apparently tonight is the busiest night in Wellington ever. Just to prove my point, check out this list of my friends and their diverse excuses reasons they can’t make it:

Anji: Spanish class

Brad: crewing for one of the plays at school (more about that later)

Chrisana: working

Karen: work meeting

Kartini: not fond of snakes. I think she’s okay with planes though.

Katy: Real Hot Bitches rehersal

Lisa B: working

Lisa Fur: sick

Peti: Packing

Sarah-from-work: needs to go hoooooome.

Smoo: working

Tom: teaching
I’m actually pretty sure that there’s a secret meeting of the No-Jos club. B A N A N A N A N A S!

+ But to prove that I do actually participate in real culture, last night Karen and I went to see Brad’s solo show at the drama school. There were four people doing their self-written pieces. The first was a guy who told the story of a typical night for a bartender, starting it with puking and needing a pie, and then going back to opening up the bar, and then the after-work drinks. He only played the one character, but it was really good in the “ahaha it’s funny because it’s true…. and maybe I should stop drinking” kind of way. Plus, he took off his shirt and showed his ass and he was built, so he gets bonus points for that. The second piece was about science, and it juxtaposed a high school boy now doing a presentation on atoms and his great grandfather working in the influenza epidemic in 1918. I especially liked the actor’s characterisation of the principal who made the audience clap nervously when he addressed the assembly. Brad’s piece started out comically with voiceovers about the African safari, as he was portraying a guy who sponsors five kids in Africa, which makes chicks think he’s adorable, but it turns out that he’s having some trouble with errections, as his monologued poems displayed. And then it got a lot darker, which was awesome, and also a little perculiar – I mean, Brad’s such a nice guy, and yet he was swearing, and treating people badly, and MASTURBATING ON STAGE. Or at least you know, miming it. Except without the beret. Those crazy wacky actors. The last girl did a more comical piece, which was highly reminiscint of The Nanny Diaries. It worked though because her characterisations were so strong, and because she staged it so well. And yes, so that’s me, at the theatre. Ooh la la.

- I’m shitty about a thousand things at work. This is mostly caused by the fact that I have almost no friends left here, and that sucks cos who likes being left behind, but there’s a hulk’o rage inside me for whomever it was that filled in the sudoku in the newspaper, and whomever it was that ran off with the front section, and whomever it was that decided that the watercooler tasted funny and put it out of action, and anyone who coughs and sneezes and gurgles at me all day, because OH GOD THE PAIN, THE PAIN, THE PAIN of it all.

+ Rockstar tonight! After Snakes of course, with Bart and Blair and Jimmy and some random guy from Anji’s work and his partner. If anyone wants my last double pass, you know what to do.

- My iPod has started to give me occasional electric shocks up the earphones. Huh? How does that work? Can someone explain it to me please?

+ My first Food Baby tomorrow, unless the No-Jos club declare it ain’t so behind my back tonight. I’ll be making lemon pie for it. Which reminds me, I really must start posting some Africany recipes so y’all can do Country Club with me around the world, yes? Yes.

Reality /Performance / Results

Reality Show

Wahoo, the ‘webisode’ isn’t even on the Rockstar site yet, but I have recapped it for you. How l33t am I?

You know, I almost miss Zayra. Oh no wait, I don’t. Haha. I should also apologise for not talking about how when Supernova did their song, they did it on film rather than video, and how I should have mentioned that it was obviously pre-recorded. But I didn’t. But if you care that much, you’d have read all that on the forums. Unless you’re relying exclusively on me to tell you all about all the Supernova scandal. Oh god, the pressure!

And speaking of pressure, that’s what the rockers are feeling now that the Zar Crash is gone. They say it’s quieter in the house without her, and that her goodbye speech was great. Dilana interviews that it was very ballsy of Zayra to go up with an original, because singing an original song undresses you. And reveals your lotion and your thong, apparently.

Storm drinks a toast to Dilana, front woman of Supernova, while Dilana looks smug. And Storm wants a go singing the song too. Really? Why? Let’s face it – it was a pretty shitty song. Dilana’s all “you might have a chance to” and interviews that she can’t imagine anyone else fronting the band now. Oh Dilana, you are the new JD. I love the way the editors have made me hate you so.

Toby pies Ryan in the face for getting the encore and Ryan looks like he’s pretending to pretend to cry. But we don’t have time to dwell on that, because the press are coming to do a junket interview with the rockers, and this means we must all keep our fingers crossed for another “human/beings” revelation, okay? Cross those fingers, and let’s get on with it…

Lukas is all “you have to know how to handle the media” and then when he’s talking to someone from Fox, he is asked if he was a fan of the band growing up, and comes up with the brilliant answer “I actually had sex for the first time listening to Metallica” – for the record the song was ‘Unforgiven’. That’s all very well and true, but you don’t see me auditioning for Aspen now do you? Heh. Toby is finally clean-shaven and looks much hotter for it. He says he could survive for a year touring with the band depending on what medicinces are created. Storm is told that she shakes like a man when she meets her reporter, who turns out to be the mean journalist, who tells Storm that she’s got nothing special, implies that Toby isn’t a real rocker because he hasn’t got enough tattoos, and asks Magni who he doesn’t like in the house. Magni is like “you’re mean!” and I want to give him a cuddle. Ryan interviews all articulately, except that Jason Newstead walks in while he’s at it, and that flusters him.

Lukas is asked if he thinks anyone is faking it to get the job, and every single person on the internet starts coughing and going *cough Lukas cough cough*, but he says he doesn’t want to dog any person, but that apparently won’t look good in Rolling Stone. Dilana says that she doesn’t think everyone’s hearts and minds are as set to win this thing as hers is, and she knows who is serious and who’s just along for the ride. The reporter says “let’s name those people”, and she says Toby and Magni because he wants to be with his family. Then she’s asked about how she felt when she first heard the song, and she says that she told everyone she loved it, but some people were like “oh I think the lyrics suck”. The reporter says “Who said that?” and everyone on the internet again starts coughing and saying “Um ME!” as loudly as they can. But Dilana says Storm and Ryan hated the lyrics. And then Dilana says Patrice shouldn’t still be here. And Jason says that there’s going to be repercussions any time you say something bad about someone else in the press and I tremor with glee thinking about Dilana getting a roundhouse kick to the face. Dilana tells the mean radio reporter that she wants to strangle Lukas every day, and it makes me giggle. Then the radio interviewer gets ahold of Lukas, and asks him if his sunglasses inside is a rockstar thing. Hehe. He says he’s just hungover, and takes them off, and calls her ‘baby’. She tells him what Dilana said about him being two different people, and so he interviews that Dilana needs to mind her own business, and gets really dicky to the reporter. Hehehe. Oh rockers, how is it that you don’t see when you’re getting played? I mean, apart from Ryan, because he is Mr. In Control. Jason interviews that if the media treats you with disrespect, then you can treat them with disrespect back, that is allowed. How about your fans, Jason? Should you sue them for downloading? Lukas says that that Dilana needs to think before she opens her mouth about someone behind their back on television, and that’s the fine line between professional and punk. Ummm, Lukas, the pot just called to say you’re a negro. Do you like granny smiths? Well, how do you like them apples, bitch?

So with all that bad feeling generated, song selection is going to be interesting. This week there’s two originals, and everyone’s going to want one. The reason Toby and Ryan want to do the originals is because their songs “f*cking rock”. And then Ryan adds “My mom loves my song” and I giggle at the computer, which makes me happy cos he’s normally so serious and Intense. Storm also only wants to do an original, and she says she hasn’t fought enough, and then she says she’ll box for a song. Ryan’s like “that’s not really realistic”. It’s more The Contender cross-over. And Patrice says she’ll stand up all night and not eat and not sleep to win an original, so oh, it’s a Survivor cross-over too. If these guys are so familiar with Mark Burnett’s work, how the hell did they open up to the reporters that much? Except I guess that we didn’t see clips of Patrice and Storm cos they were wiser than Dilana and Lukas. Magni says Patrice should get an original because she’s been in the bottom three 3 times. Aww Magni. And so Patrice gets it. And Storm goes for ‘Cryin’ instead because she thinks she can sing anything. And Magni asks if he can play guitar with her, and if his wife will be happy with Storm sitting on his lap burying his face in her breasts. Storm’s all “your wife loves me and I’m sitting on you like a brother” and Magni’s like “i have two brothers and that has never happened before” and I giggle with glee a little more and remember how in the first week I was all “Storm’s boobs are so fake” and wrote her off for that but now I like her a lot more.

Storm’s doing ‘Cryin’ and that makes me happy because I know that Aerosmith suck, but I used to have the biggest crush on Alicia Silverstone, and she had the same backpack as me in that video, and then I got my mum to make me a dress like she wore in the ‘Amazing’ video. Back to Rockstar though, and Dilana wants ‘Every breath you take’. She should work with Puffy. I’m sure he’d bring his lotion and his thong. So Toby pretends he wants that song, and gets Dilana to run around the pool naked. She says “I ran around the pool naked. Because I’m tough. And I’ve got a hot body…… For a midget”. And those three words almost redeem her to me, but no, I still hate her. For a midget. And Toby says “you look like a twelve year old boy with a wig” and I start to like him a lot more.

Apparently she went for that song because it’s her mother’s favourite song, and she interviews that it’s going to be her best, strongest performance to date, cos she has such a huge connection with the song. Oh really? I can’t help but feel like that means she’s going to fuck it up. And she tries for a falsetto and ends up just huffing it, like the bit in ‘Hush’ when Riley’s trying to use the voice prompt in the lift into the initiative, but of course he can’t because the Gentlemen took away everyone’s voices, and the music makes that “dong! doing!” sound that they always use when people are being dicks, and it makes me happy. Is this going to be her Jordis’s ‘Dream On’ without Jordis’s likeability? Probably. Toby and Ryan are playing pool, and Toby says he wishes she’d shut up, and Ryan’s like “is that her? I thought it was the dog” and Toby says “She’s becoming Jill” and that’s a shout-out to me, right?

Speaking of Jordis, Toby’s singing ‘Layla’and he’s trying to make it sound more like a Supernova track, which probably isn’t such a stupid idea. You know, there’s no sign of Supernova playing on any of these songs, so maybe it’s going to be a surprise performance or maybe they’re too tired from their original number to play again. Magni is singing ‘Teen Spirit’ (dammit, back to the Nirvana) but he’s sick, poor baby. Ryan’s singing his original song, called ‘Back of your car’ which is about the world coming to an end, and there’s people in the church praying and there’s people making love. Who will you be? Paul interviews that Ryan is funny to work with (read: an ass) because he micromanages. And he tries to teach Jim a dance-move. Fuck you, Ryan, Jim is teh awesome, and needs no teaching. He could learn you a thing or too. But I like the sound of Ryan’s song, and I’m (as always) looking forward to Wednesday.

Oh, and over the credits, they show footage of Magni handling the “what do you think about Lukas’s make-up?” with incredible grace (“oh, I thought that was just his face, that he was some sort of weird Canadian breed”) and Ryan interviewing that he grew up reading Teen and Vogue and that they’re better magazines to read than Maxim. Umm, WHAT. THE. FUCK. ? If he’s trying to show his sensitive side again, like when he wouldn’t box Storm because he’d never hit a girl, he’s got it all wrong. The way Teen portrays girls is a thousand times more badder for girls than the way Maxim does. Puke puke.

Reality /Performance / Results

The Performance Show

I was at Snakes on a Plane last night (and it was FUCKING AWESOME) and so when I came out and turned on my phone again I had a barrage (well, three) of text messages all talking about what the ladies were wearing. Nice. So home I went to my taped performance episode. And Gilby has brought his dog along tonight, making me hate him a little, because dude, you’re not actually Paris Hilton eh.

When they recap what happened over the week, they only show song selection and Dilana’s nude run, not her total and utter bitchiness and skankosity during the press interviews. Innnnnnteresting. I wonder if perhaps the webisodes have a different editing team and that’s their quiet way of rebelling against the inevitable, like how someone at my work stuck stickers with “Diet” and “Regular” on the two taps of the water cooler (it wasn’t me, but I wish it was). Because I’m sure if greater America knew what Dilana was really like, they wouldn’t keep voting for her. Unless Jeb Bush was running the election maybe.

But anyway, since Patrice “fought so hard” for her original (oh really? I thought she just kind of sat back and Magni said she should get to do it and everyone went “well, she is only here to showcase her original talent and not to be part of the band, and surely she’s going home this week so okay”), she gets to step up and do it first. She’s wearing more eye liner than usual, and she looks fucking gorgeous, and so comfortable on stage, which I know we’ve talked about before and how she’s almost too comfortable. Her song is jangly and happy, like Guyville Liz Phair meets Eight Arms Veruca Salt. I quite like it, but it’s so not Supernova, and everyone knows that. Dave says “I’m going to give you the same advice I gave Zayra..” and I’m like “what, check yourself into a mental clinic right now? That’s unfair”, but he is of course suggesting a solo career. She says that when she was 19, (so that’s a good fifteen years ago, mind you), she made a pact with the guitar player in her band that she’d never work a day job again, and apparently she hasn’t since, and that’s pretty fucking rock’n roll. So long, farewell Patrice. I liked you, for what that’s worth. And maybe I’ll buy your album.

It’s the return of the Nirvana, and Magni says that he chose ‘Teen Spirit’ because like ‘Creep’, it’s an anthem for his generation, and I’m like “that’s SO true!” and squeal like the fan girl I am. But of course, my VHS is super stretched (ha ha, I’m so going to use that as another ‘sausage down a hallway’ euphemism in the future, if I remember), and the sound goes wobbly on me. Still, the first cords kick that thing in my heart that remembers how very important grunge was to me (although if you follow that link, you’ll see that my paragraph on legal matters is probably no longer valid), and my pulse speeds up. Even though he’s sick, Magni hits the notes better than Kurt did, but just the idea of having our anthems so cooped makes me a little not happy. But I do love the way he smiles and points to the other rockers when he sings “our little group has always been and always will until the end” – it comes across really really genuinely and I don’t think anyone else could have done it like that. And T’Lee asks Magni why he didn’t play guitar, and Magni was like “I didn’t want to be tidied down” and Tommy’s all “you don’t need to be tied down with a guitar, you can take it off and smash it”. Umm, Tommy, not everyone’s shooting as much smack as you that they think a rolling guitar cage would be a good idea, you know. But as it happens, telling Magni to smash his guitar (which is extreme Gibson product placement, like how toothpaste companies give away toothbrushes with bigger heads so that people use more toothpaste) sets up the next song rather well.

Ryan’s performing an original too, his song ‘Back of your car’. Now, if you’re dedicated enough, you can go to his myspace page and listen to the piano version of this song, but as he explains to Supernova that he’s played in all kinds of rock bands, and although recently he’s been doing a lot of piano stuff, he’s changed the arrangement of this song because he thinks it’s a track that Supernova could really get on board with. He’s dressed simply, black pants, black tshirt, and black guitar (and his “heal the world” or whatever it is arm bandage), and I know I made fun of him for trying to teach the House Band some dance moves, HOLY FUCKING CRAP his performance blows me away. The song is catchy as hell, and he prowls around the stage with his guitar, leading them to do cut-tos of Magni, apparently trying to show that Magni is jealous that Ryan is rocking it out, but come on man, it’s MAGNI, he’s far too much of a gentleman to be like that, there’s no Lukas/Dilana rivalry there. But yeah, I actually say “FUCK YEAH” out loud a couple of times. I’m not sure if I like Ryan as a person, but he is definitely very very smart. He’s the new Marty. Remember how Marty said in interviews with INXS how he chose to do newer songs like Franz Ferdinand and the Killers because they fused dance with rock, and that INXS were the pioneers of that, and that he had what it would take to bring them into the now? Ryan choses his words that carefully when he talks to the band. Dave’s like “who the hell are you? What the fuck happened to you?” because he was so electrifying, whereas if you read my recap of the first episode I was like “Huh? Ryan sang… ummm… something… I don’t remember” (and while we’re at it, remember when I hated Magni and compared him to the Rasmus? Don’t worry, I hate myself for that too), and Ryan’s like “I got laid!” and whether or not that’s true, it gets the laugh and it shows the whole ‘I am like, totally a rockstar’ attitude. And if that song came out as a single I’d buy it. Well no, I’d download it. But that’s beside the point.

One of the texts I got was from Harvestbird saying “I’m thinking you could do justice to a top cut like Storm’s, which is incredibly sweet, but very not true. Sure, we’re both 6 feet tall and do boxing, but I’m like, two Storms big. But in her corset, I realise why exactly it is that I’m so drawn to Storm, and it’s because she is totally Faith, the Vampire Slayer. With a little Mean Girls era Lindsay thrown in (or maybe that’s just boob pervage). Storm does a mean version of ‘Cryin’, but it’s a little too ballady, and she really really needs to bring the rock if she wants to stay in contention. T’lee is of course all “I wish you were wearing less”, and that’s just awesome, I hope that at the next job interview I go to, someone on the panel says that, because I think that’d be a good sign of a smooth road ahead. You can’t have it both ways, you know, Supernova – either this is a job interview or it’s a perve fest. Storm’s like “I could crush you with my little finger” in her head, but she laughs it off on stage.

The sexual harrassment continues when Dave tells Dilana that next week song selection is at his house, cos he’s got a pool, and T’Lee’s like “I’ve got a pool too!” and Dave is like “yeah but my pool is olympic sized”. Cock fight! Dave’s apparently going out with Jenna Jameison now, which is interesting because I want to read her autobiography, and I also want to read I’m with the band which according to Amazon.com was co-written by one Dave Navarro. Anyway, do you remember how in Bardot’s video Sophie was dressed like she was a bird, with a skirty tail and stuff? Well, Dilana has chosen to recreate this outfit, out of old newspaper. With high heeled roman gladiator sandals. Her hair is straightened and looks really good, but you don’t really notice, because as the texts I got from Heather say “THE LASHES! O MY GOD THE LASHES!” with a follow-up text a minute later that says “…and not in a good way”. Someone apparently thought it would be a good idea for Dilana to wear pink and black eye lashes that are – with no exaggeration here – AS BIG AS HER FUCKING FISTS. And of course the reason she’s wearing htem is to draw attention to her eyes, because she’s singing ‘Every breath you take’ which of course contains the line “I’ll be watching you” and when she jabs her stubby L** S*** fingers at her eyes to illustrate this, I hope for a second that I’ve somehow managed to enchant those fingers and she’s about to gouge out her own eyes. But apparently not. Her voice doesn’t hit the notes, but it’s not quite the dog whining of the webisode. It’s definitely her worst performance so far, but Supernova are very mild with it. I suppose they can’t be all like “dude, you suck” when they let her sing with them already. Plus, Jason’s the fall guy today and he’s like “Was there a reason you sang that song?” as a total planted question, and Dilana’s all “yeah, it’s my mum’s favourite song…” which we knew from the webisode, “… and I haven’t spoken to her in years” – which we didn’t know, which just goes to solidfy my theory that the webisodes are cut by someone who hates her, and the performance shows are written by someone who loves her, because now we can be all “awww that’s so beautiful and deep”. And also somewhat disturbing, that Dilana is apparently, according to the song anyway, stalking her mother like a lover scorned. Riiiiiiiiight.

Toby rearranges ‘Layla’ a little bit, but no one really pays attention because in another gimmick move, he takes off his shirt. Gilby’s all “what does that say on his chest?” to T’lee, because Toby has the letters “EVS” written on his chest, which makes me think of Jessie and her catchy-like-syphilis habbit of dropping off the ends of words and adding an ‘s’ instead, but then I’m like, “Whatevs, I’m sure it’s like, a charity thing, or a dead grandmother thing” but when he’s asked, he says that it’s what people in Melbourne say instead of whatever. Who knew? Jessie, you’re like, like a rockstar. Haha.

Lukas, who has been cut to every time Dilana gets praise, starts out singing ‘All these things that I have done’ by the Killers in his singing voice, but quickly reverts to his mumble-mumble growl, and I tell Bart that Jason is going to spank his ass for it, but strangely enough he doesn’t. In fact, although this is Lukas’s second-worst performance ever, the only criticism he gets is Gilby asking him not to turn his back on the audience so much, which suggests to me that Lukas will be singing with Supernova tomorrow night. Although perhaps T’Lee’s incredibly insightful comment of “Cheque please” as a criticism. Who even knows anymore?

The bottom three are going to be Patrice, Toby and either Storm or Lukas. I would actually like both Storm and Lukas to be in the bottom three so that I can see what they do for their own choice. I’m pretty sure that Patrice must be going home, although I’m no longer sure that Storm’s going to be in the top four. I think maybe Ryan has pushed his way in there. I don’t think he wants to win, but I think he wants to take it as far as possible, just like Marty. I think he deserves the encore too.
Reality /Performance / Results

The Results Show

Brooke says that in three short weeks one of the people on stage will be in Supernova, and I’m like, hang on, only three more eliminations? Some doubles are coming up. People on the TWOP forums say this is because of the other band called Supernova who are suing, and there’s some kind of stay of execution until the middle of September so they need to wrap up the show by then. Or something. Hmm…!

As the TWOP summary starts out, “More evidence tonight that if Dilana wins this thing, it won’t be through strategy”.It seems that after the performance show, when she was very very average and sang “Dilana, Dilana, Dilana” as part of her song (WHAT?) and Ryan fucking killed it, she told him that he’d have been nothing without the House Band. Well, I’ve heard both versions of his song, (okay, a whole bunch of times, I’m a little obsessed now), and while I like the Rockstar version better with teh full band and all, he’s not singing about no lotion and no thong, Dilana. It’s a good song, dick. I’m aware that you wouldn’t know one if it got caught on your labret piercings and all, but still… Dave tells everyone that they’d all be nothing without the house band, and everyone at home goes “duh, that’s why we’re watching this and not Idol – we’re not in it for you, Dave”. There’s footage of Dilana telling Ryan that she’s got more fans than him, and Magni chimes in with a “We’ve all been growing throughout the show (which is true) but you’ve been doing the same thing (which is also true!”. Delicious. Like a Red Delicious. How do you like them apples, Dilana? Then when they do a little pre-recorded rave about the awesomeness which is theirspace, Dave says “one of the fan’s comments was that maybe there should be two singers in Supernova – Dilana and Lukas” and Dilana’s like “Over my dead body”. Way to be professional. Oh, and I have to rage against the person who posted on the TWOP forum saying “Hubris, they name is Dilana, Dilana, Dilana.” Because um, Hubris’s name is Jo. Don’t you compare me to that midget, bitch!

Toby gets the ‘honour’ of singing with Supernova, and for the first time I see that it kind of works, that together they can all sound as dumb as a sackful of hammers. The song’s called something about five cliches, and I’m like “but there’s only four of them on stage”. They don’t cut to film this time, or bring out the booty dancers, and I’m sure that’s totally because of the TWOP forums on the matter. The song is completely unmemorable, but that’s partly because I was really drunk. I do know that it reminded me of a song that I couldn’t think of the name of. Haha, is this the BEST. RECAP. EVER or what?

I guess they didn’t wanna let Ryan have the recap for two weeks in a row, so they’ve decided that tonight the encore performance is showing the footage from the webisode of Dilana slagging off everyone in the house during her interviews. She tells Dave “I guess they’re making me the villan this week” and I’m like, dude, Dilana, I don’t want your fucking shoutouts, back the fuck off. Dave asks Lukas, who tonight is wearing blue eyeshadow like I do sometimes, what he thinks about that all, and he makes a blah blah unprofessional blah blah noise, and Dilana tries to explain that she meant that she wants to take care of him like a mother hen, and then Lukas is all like “EVS!” which makes me laugh a lot because apparently Toby is as infectious as Jessie.

First up in the bottom three is Magni, and all of Iceland and I are like WHAT. THE. FUCK? But I figure people didn’t vote for him so that they’d hear him again. He sings Jimi Hendrix’s ‘Fire’, which you may remember best from Cassandra singing it in Wayne’s World (No? Is it just me?) and it’s absolutely fucking stomping. He plays the guitar but moves around the stage, duelling with the House Band, and he knows how fucking awesome a job he’s doing. This isn’t a bottom three ‘save yourself’ song, this is a motherfucking encore after he joins the house band and tours the world to raputous acclaim. This is the triumpant end to an epic gig. Hells yeah. Okay, so I mentioned that I was rather drunk when I watched it, and Magni was making me moisten my panty gusset rather a lot, but I stand by my assesment.

The second person in the bottom three, unsurprisingly is Patrice. When her name is called out the rockers pretend like they didn’t know it was coming, and Storm makes her “why god why?” face. Lukas reaches behind him to pat Patrice’s leg sympathetically, which endears him to me somewhat, and not just because it reminds me of a boy who was gladhanding me so much in Good Luck recently that I tried to move his hands away and he ended up stroking my boots instead. Heh. In another bout of “ha ha, it’s funny because it’s true” like the title of the Supernova song, Patrice sings a Pretenders song called ‘Middle of the Road’. She says she changed the arrangement, but i can’t tell. I’m bummed that this is her last song the world will see, because it’s so so boring.

Finally in the bottom three is Toby, and it so should have been Lukas. He sings ‘Plush’, and it’s good…. if he was playing in a pub coverband down at the Espie. Which he’s not. But of course because he sang with Supernova, they’re not sending him home tonight, so we’re left to contemplate who Supernova might possibly be sending home. Here’s a hint: it’s not going to be Magni as they struggle to say anything bad about him at all. In the end Tommy Lee says “Patrice, this is the fourth time you’ve been in the bottom three, and fans buy our tickets, so you’ve got to go, baby”. Nice, I like the honesty there. And speaking of liking the honesty, check out Dave Navarro’s website – it’s surprisingly unsanitised of his opinions.

Reality / Performance / Results

The Reality Show
I realise that I didn’t complain about them putting a camera on Gilby’s guitar while he was playing. What is this – The Amazing Race? So I will complain now, as they recap it in the webisode. Let me complain again about that word. And be glad again that Shakira and Mr Maroon 5 are gone. And that now I get to see footage of everyone in Vegas. Vegas baby, Vegas!

So the private jet is spraypainted with Supernova, but I’m going to bet that it’s actually just computer-altered, cos I bet that’s cheaper. T’Lee’s waiting on the jet with bottles of champagne and Jagermeister, because can we get in a little more product placement? Yes we can. I’m going to put in a story about a private jet here, if you will allow me a digression: The father of one of Brad’s classmates was Keith Richards’s neurosurgeon, and apparently they got to be quite good friends, so Keith arranged for the doctor to fly to New York so they could hang out some more, but his jet was busy, so they used Tom Cruise’s, and apparently Tom Cruise’s jet is stocked with all of his movies. And also apparently Tom Cruise is a dick. What a surprise. But back to Rockstar: Supernova instead of Trapped in the Closet.

They go to the Hard Rock Hotel and see all the memorabilia there, and for some reason they get Zayra to talk about it, and she says she can’t wait for her own stuff to be up there. Perhaps the producers thought this would be a good chance to get her to actually learn somethign about music, since she seems to know nothing about it. Inncidently, in all the rockstar blogs, all the rockers mention how Storm knows every single song that they’re presented with at song choice. Go Storm!

They go see the venue that Supernova’s first gig is going to be performing at, and famous rockers such as David Bowie, The Rolling Stones and errr Seal have played there. Jason says that it was good for the rockers to go there and realise what they’re going to do, because the first impression of Supernova as a band is going to take place where they’re standing. Because apparently the whole TV show Rockstar: Supernova doesn’t actually exist, or perhaps it makes no impression on people. Well, I suppose those wacky kids with their internets do have the memory of goldfishes. What was I writing about again? The awesomeness of custard yoghurt? Quite possibly.

Ryan says that now the remaining eight rockers will want to win it. Just as well Phil’s gone then. They go up to the Presidential suite, and it’s crazy like the movies – or perhaps you know, The OC when they went to Vegas for Caleb’s bachelor party. And that means that Rockstar: Supernova is now partly responsible for what’s going on in Lost. And oh ho, there is scandal afoot in the presidential suite when Dilana comes up to T’Lee and says with a screen caption “By the way, I just wanted to let you know that all these ______’s can go home”, and I’m not sure what word they bleeped out, but I am ONE HUNDRED PERCENT CERTAIN THAT THEY DIDN’T NEED THAT MOTHERFUCKING APOSTROPHE. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGH. Then she says “You don’t have to say a damn word” She interviews that she went and had a word with Tommy, and it felt natural and what she actually says is “I can sing, and I can draw a _________ crowd, and I can hang with the boys”. She then says she wishes they’d hurry up and bump everyone off so they can get on with it. Oooh girl, you nasty! So you were trying to fuck up Lukas with ‘Creep’. Ha ha, sucks to be you, shortass.

T’Lee, who is wearing a ‘Mr Happy’ t-shirt (way to traumatise children all around the world, buddy), tells people to have fun in Vegas, they drink champagne and next thing you know, Ryan is lying on the bowling lane (Zayra: “a bowling alley in a hotel room, what a great idea!” Like, a greater idea than a latex jumpsuit? Surely not!). Are you sure that’s a good idea Ryan? You’re not the most popular guy in the world. And Gilby bowls at his head, very very slowly. If that was Jill he’d have bowled at normal speed. Lots of hot girls show up, but strangely enough they fail to stack the room with hot men as well. The random girls dance on each other in an incredibly unhot display of psuedo lesbianism. Toby interviews that a couple of the contestants couldn’t handle their drink – and that he was one of them. We cut to seeing him hugging Jason going “I’m smashed, man”. Jason interviews that a couple of people couldn’t hold their drink, and that he was watching them because it was definitely part of the deal. “They’re always representing the band – at a party they don’t have to go and get so smashed that people are laughing at them”. Poor Toby. He thought he was doing the right thing by playing up his g’day mate Aussieness. Ryan says that at 10.30, a time when you could still get your grandparents on the phone (Ryan, can you call up my Oma and tell her I love her please? Good luck with that), Lukas and Toby, the “rockers” (his air quotes) of the house were passed out on the floor. He says “this is our dream, and I’m not throwing it away by drinking too much”. He is, however, apparently perfectly happy to hook up with the hired bitches. Isn’t he supposed to have a girlfriend back in New York? Perhaps one of the audition parts is having a three way with T’lee.

Storm says everyoen was hungover and tired when they got back to the mansion, except for Dilana who pours water in Lukas’s belly button and jumps on his bed. Apparently it’s her birthday so she wants to party, and by “party” she means tie up Toby while he’s lying on his bed. Ryan of course was all Mr Sober, so he finds the songs first, and one of them is called “Your Original” and the sheet music is blank. Do you think they meant ‘Original by Leftfield? Heh. This week they’re stripping it back and going acoustic. Gilby’s going to be playing ‘Solsbury Hill’, which just makes me think of that family-feelgood-movie Shining. Hopefully they’ve realised that they need to fight for that song. Ahh yes, they do. Dilana is wearing a flowered bathing cap. Ummm, what? She’s my least favourite this week, and I appreciate that this means that they’re cutting it so that she is this week’s villan – especially when they show a clip of Storm interviewing “I don’t even think Dilana wanted to sing ‘Solsbury Hill’ – she just wanted to fuck with Toby” . Lukas tells her that ‘Cat’s in the cradle’ would be awesome for Dilana, but she’s all “I wanna play with Gilby”. But she agrees to give the song to Toby if he strips off totally naked and runs around the pool. He says he was still half drunk so it would be a good idea – “and I just want to let everyone know it was a really cold day”. He’s wearing tight boxer shorts which are definitely the best kind of male underwear, but I still don’t understand why people go on about the hotness of him. Perhaps for Americans the accent is a novelty. He keeps his hat on when he does his run. Oooh he has some abs. But we don’t get to see penii. Zayra says she cannot believe what Dilana made him do. Umm, Zayra, we cannot believe what you make yourself do. So shut up. She fights with Ryan over the original song, saying she should get to do it because she’s always in the bottom three and might not get another chance. Ryan isn’t giving it up for her. Toby suggests to him that he should do ‘In the air tonight’ which I agree Ryan could kill, so he takes it. I’m intrigued to hear an original song from Zayra, to be honest. Can batshit insane people write songs? Let’s find out.

The House Band say it’s a pretty simple song to learn. Oh, it’s in another language. Spanish I suppose. Or Plutonian. Toby doesn’t get the ‘Solsbury’ beat. The bandleader calls him intense, and it’s cut together to make us think that he’s going to fuck it up. Storm’s singing ‘I will survive’. Ouch. Mostly that song makes me think of the version we sang at the last Hens’ Party I went to, which was all about men with tiny penises and thank god for batteries. Storm’s trying to mix up the song to make it not as disco. She’s freaking out about the arrangement, but I bet she’s going to be okay. I can’t wait to find out…

Reality / Performance / Results

The Performance Show
This may not contain the usual level of detail and intrigue as my recaps usually do, so I apologise in advance, but I’m in a fuckload of pain, incredibly busy and in a fuck-off bad mood, in such a bad mood in fact that I’m considering taping the results show tonight and watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition instead tonight so that I can fully get my bawl on. Luckily Anji’s sent me through her notes so I can use them to flesh out this effort.

We get recaps of Vegas, but not of Dilana saying to Tommy how everyone else can go home cos she’s going to win this thing. Innnnteresting. I wonder how much Interweb access the rockers are given, and whether or not they get to watch the reality episodes while they’re updating their their-spaces. Speaking of the their-spaces, I’m sure that someone else must be writing Brooke’s because it seems a little too literate for her. I’m going to be talking more about their-spaces tonight, I think.

Tonight’s episode is going to be acoustic and stripped back, so what’s this? What’s Dave doing taking his shirt off? Oh right, he’s stripping it back. As is Tommy. Woo-ha! But the camera cuts away before they start comparing tattoos. I wish that the house band had issued a mighty badoom-CHISH for that terrible joke. But as always, they are consumate professionals. Is consumate the word I’m looking for here? I mean, other than in a “I want to consumate my love for the house band with them” kind of way. I don’t think it is. But I don’t care.

The rockers get berated again for not fighting harder for the chance to play with Gilby, except of course Toby who ran around the pool naked to win the chance. Tommy tells him that he has a nice ass, so Toby reverts to his psuedo Australian ‘mate’ ness again. Dick. And Zayra is congratulated on stepping up to sing an original when everyone else seems afraid. Speaking of original songs, remember the webisode when everyone wrote their own lyrics and Dilana’s was all “bring your lotion and bring your thong” and everyone on the forums said it was the Worst. Lyrics. Ever. and compared it to JD singing ‘We are the champions’? Well in her their-space Dilana’s like “I thought my song was great at the time”. Yeah and smoking that crack rock was awesome at the time too.

Speaking of crack rock, Zayra’s up first, wearing a sequined black bra and a giant red parachute. She stands behind a mike playing a guitar, and sings her original song, in Spanish. Her subduedness, and the fact that she’s not fucking up a song I like, means that this is my favourite performance of hers by a thousand miles, and behold the awesomeness of the lyric translation she posted: “Your crazy waves hitting my hungry hell / Until you make me want it”. Oh wait hang on, that’s not awesome, that’s laaaaaaaaame. Gilby says that it was nice to hear her do her thing but he’s not sure how it fits with Supernova, and everyone is like “duh!”.

Anji says: “NOT SuperNova! How will we know if the words are really really cheesy?? Is her song another Lilith Fair example? Do you think she?ll appeal to a wide audience if she is alienating so many with the language barrier? That said, I don?t actually mind the song.”

In the ‘stylist”s space, Miles has written that he’s got a lot of comments from people about how Magni needs to dress up more – well tonight, he’s been forced into a white suit. Supernova ask him if that’s the most dressed up he’s ever been except for his court appearence, and I’m intrigued. I still remember the cute cute baby, so I can forgive the white suit. Magni sings ‘Starman’ gorgeously, and cements his place as my total favourite. Gilby says he wishes Magni got the audience to sing along more, but that it was great anyway. Not the most rock’n roll ever, but what can you do with a string quartet? Before I forget, at one stage Supernova give the string quartet the big ups, and Dave’s all “I’d especially like to big up the blonde one” and she goes “eww, I learnt to play an instrument so that I wouldn’t have to make my living staring in creepy midget porn actually buddy, so why don’t you go back to your lameass wife that you’re divorcing and make another MTV show about that process?”. I’m astonished at how much she manages to convey with one cringe.

Anji says: “more Bowie? I thought that was pretty loungey and wondered if they?d accuse him of being too Vegas again. And a white suit is NEVER good. I thought he was perfectly pleasant, but not exciting, not intense.

Patrice has obviously been paying attention to TWOP comparing her hair to a cocker spaniel’s ears, and she’s got dready extensions in it. It looks awesome, but the dead cat hanging from a belt over bike shorts arrangement does her no favours. She sings ‘Message in a bottle’ and her voice is as always awesome, but Supernova do sleeping faces throughout it. She’s going to be the next to go, and I think she’s resigned to that now. Her their-space even says “Even if I don’t make it, I’ve got my album coming out pretty soon”. Does anyone actually want to win this?

Anji says: “I thought her voice was really pretty when she sang softly at the beginning of the song, and was something we hadn?t heard from her before. I thought she did really well, and I liked her hair too. Shame the boys weren?t so into it ? I liked it done the classic way.”

Lukas says in his their-space that he’s doing ‘Hero’ because it’s by a Canadian. You know what else is by a Canadian Lukas? The NAZIS. I mean, ‘Summer of ’69′, ‘Man, I feel like a woman’, ‘You remind me’. Blame Canadia eh? He’s got bare arms and a white collar which makes me think he’s Sonic the Hedgehog crossed with a Chippendale dancer, and that’s not a picture anyone should have in their head ever. I definitely prefer Lukas’s version to that of the (officially) ugliest man in rock, but Supernova nail him for sitting down, and also Jason goes on about how he’s closing his throat again. According to the TWOP insiders, the reason you don’t normally see many comments from Jason is not because he doesn’t say much but rather that he says too much and is hard to cut up into soundbites.

Anji says: “Lukas ? The song is GAY!!! But he sounded really good, and performed well, for someone who was sitting. Dumb excuse to say he was recovering from Vegas ? what kind of hard man is he??!! Nonetheless, I think they really like him and he could definitely be a contenda.”

Storm got stuck with ‘I will survive’ and sings it the best she could, in a suit so padded that even ‘Express Yourself’ era Madonna would turn it down. I don’t understand why she’s covering herself up so much. I mean, she’s told us to google, and I imagine that means we can see it all, so why oh why is she making such conservative clothing choices these days? Oh, apart from showing her ant segmentation last week. A thing I do really like about Storm though is that when others are singing and it cuts away to her, she’s always singing along and smiling, not scowling like Dilana or Lukas do if someone else is singing well. She tries to dediscofy the song, but it’s a bit of a mess. She takes the guitar part from Cake’s cover, but with the suit and all, boy, it just doesn’t work, and all of Supernova tell her that they hated it. She takes it very gracefully in her stride, and says that the song is pants, while Dave points out that Marty Casey did great things with ‘Baby one more time’ last season. Yeah, but that song KICKS ASS. And besides, he just did a cover of the Travis cover anyway. And if I’m getting all uppity about Marty Casey then this must mean I really like Storm.

Anji says: “Storm ? Once again, very stagey. I didn?t mind the arrangement ? I mean seriously, what can you do to help such an unbelievably AWFUL song?! But, ooh, NASTY trousers, and the shoulder pads?? I enjoyed Tommy?s comment very much (for once) ? ?saut?ed in wrong sauce?!! But I still think Storm?s awesome cos she just seems so composed and self-assured in the face of criticism.”

Toby of course ran around naked for ‘Solsbury Hill’, so it’s nice to know he’s stopped singing it “solbury” as he was in rehersal. I really have to quote the TWOP recaplet here because it nearly made me piss myself: “Supernova is impressed with Toby’s commitment, which suggests to me that Dilana really needs to stop trying to manipulate her fellow contestants. It always just backfires on her, and Wile E. Coyote? Not a rock star.” Does Gilby’s guitar really have a HEART for a hole? What’s he playing – a carebear? Toby sounds okay, but I wish he was Magni. Or maybe Marty Casey. And when he starts playing the bongos, I’m like no no no, and I laugh that Jason’s drumming along, but T’Lee’s all “Bitch, back the fuck away from the percussion or I will cut you down like a motherfucker”.

Anji says: “Toby ? I do love that song. I thought his voice sounded pretty good for it, but the Peter Gabriel one has more notes, more tonal variation, and he seems to have skipped some of that. Nice bongo, nasty screeching at the end. And shouldn?t the NAKED and the BONGOS have come together at the same time?”

Ryan says in his their-space that he’s officially the roller-coaster constestant. I must have missed the passing of that by-law, but okay, fair enough, one week you’re up and one week you’re down. This week he’s gone all Captain Ahab on us, standing on stage in a big black peacoat like he’s on the prow of a ship sailing on into the stormy night. I think he looks hot, but I’ve gone off him after reading his “please vote for me” crap. But when have I ever not fancied wankers, particularly if they have big noses and broody angst? Exactly. He’s singing ‘In the air tonight’ so I have ‘Stan’ quite firmly in my head when it starts, but he manages to push it away. You know, I can actually quite easily imagine him singing ‘Sussudio’ whilst wearing a plastic raincoat and cutting Jared Leto up with an axe. That would be awesome. But yes, an intense song, and an intense singer work well in combination together, and Dave says it was the best performance of the night, and I can agree with that. Jason’s been miming the “he’s CRUSHING IT” during the performance so I know he’s picturing Ryan in the band too.

Anji says: “Ryan ? Seriously, every time that man starts singing I think Creed. I know it?s a good voice, but it BUGS me. Maybe too common with power-ballad groups. He?s pretty good with his intense stare thing though. He would also suit the band I reckon. He?s certainly no snag. Good performance and vocals, it?s just a REVOLTING song. Nice work on the loud-to-quiet too!! The boys of the group are getting stronger?”

Dilana’s up last, just for a change, and Bart says “she looks like a witch, and like she’s trying to be a slut but she can’t” and that’s true. Her tatty short black flared-sleeve dress that laces up down the front looks like a rag Stevie Nicks would clean her car with. I am big with the Dilana-hating this week, so the editors of the webisode have done their work well. Dilana’s singing ‘Cat’s in the cradle’ and to be honest, it’s more boring than Ugly Kid Joe, and even they hate everything about her (If you don’t get that joke just yet, it’s okay, you can have Three Days Grace. Hahah HA. Oh I am fucking hilarious). And yet Supernova go nuts for it. I don’t get it. Dave’s all “if my dad wasn’t here right now I’d cry”. Blah blah blah. And they even say “sorry Ryan, but Dilana was better”.

Anji says: “Dilana ? I really do enjoy her voice. It strikes me every time. I think she got one of the lyrics wrong though! I liked it, but it wasn?t special. I hate to say it, but I think Ryan was better…”

Well, they said that Dilana was the best of the night, so I guess it’s not a stretch to say she’ll probably get the encore, and maybe Ryan too. And I guess they’d go non-accoustic. The bottom three will be Patrice, and maybe Storm and Zayra, with Patrice going home. Anji says “BOTTOM 3: – Storm, Zayra, Magni (not borne out by initial results, but we?ll see)”

Just for laughs, this is the elimination order I think it will go in:

8. Patrice – always the same thing
7. Zayra – people will revolt if she gets much further. There’s no way she’d ever front the band.
6. Toby – he can’t quite cut it with the big boys.
5. Storm – she’ll never make her stage presence less theatrical, and if she gets another bad song, she’s outta there.
4. Ryan – can’t rock it out enough
3. Lukas/Magni – this one’s a toughy, cos Lukas doesn’t open up his throat enough, but Magni might not be insane enough for the band, plus he might just decide to give up so he can get back to his family.
2. Dilana – a woman is NOT going to win, but they’ll take her to the edge to pretend like she might.
1. Magni/Lukas – see my previous comments.

Reality / Performance / Results

The Results Show

OH. MY. GOD. They finally did it. Thank fuck.

So they recap the previous night and repeat everyone cringing at Storm’s song, and she takes it manfully in her stride, and Dave tells her he wished she’d done it ironically like cake, but that he knows he can give her criticism because he knows that she more than anyone can take it. Which is true, because Storm is fucking awesome and every time she makes “what? How could they be in the bottom three?” faces and sings along with whichever rocker is on stage I love her a little bit more.

Then Supernova go and land a surprise on me, which is that they’re going to pick someone to sing an original Supernova song with them, and the audience starts screaming for Dilana as if they know something I don’t. Dammit, how’d that happen? They cut to a clip of everyone in the recording studio and do a montage of all the rockers singing a line, and Jason says that the competition is by no means over, but there’s one person who did something different. And Gilby’s all like “well you all think that a woman can’t lead our band” and I’m like Gilby, is that a shout-out? And so of course Dilana gets up, and she’s got her hair scraped up into a fauxhawk, and man, I just hate her. It turns out that the song she’s singing, which is something like ‘leave the lights on’ fits in quite well with her “Bring your lotion and your thong” school of lyric writing, because the chorus goes something like “leave the lights on, because everything else in the room is going to be off”. I guess they’re unplugging the clock radio then… And then the thing happens that means that I know that neither Ryan nor Magni will be winning this competition, because they’d have more intergrity (or faux intergrity in Ryan’s case, perhaps) – booty dancers come out, dressed like they’re fresh off the set of a Paula Abdul video, and they shake their thangs all over the stage and surge around Dilana, and I’m texting WHAT. THE. FUCK. ? to various people, because ewww!

And then it all makes sense as to why they could declare Dilana the best performance of the night before, because people would expect her to get the encore, but instead it goes to Ryan, and I really like his performance again, but that might be because he reminds me so much of a combination of many young men that I have known that I can almost taste his cock in my mouth. This means that he and Magni have both had two encores, and that makes me happy. And yet, Magni is in the bottom five, along with Storm, which makes Dave unhappy, and non-suprisingly Patrice, Toby and Zayra.

Zayra sings first, and announces she’s going to be doing a very serious, intense song called ‘Razor Blade’ by Blue October, and that she’s going to be doing a very serious, intense performance. Silly me, I didn’t realise that ‘serious and intense’ meant “heavy breathing, screaming and turning around to show your panties”. Perhaps this is why I will never be famous. Patrice is not surprised to be in the bottom three, but she steps up her game and says she’s going to take a risk and do something rocky instead of the ballad she had planned, so she takes on both the Hole curse and the ‘do better than Lukas, ha ha’ snark, and performs ‘Celebrity Skin’. The TWOP recaplet says at least she doesn’t forget the words, but um, she kind of does, she fucks up verses beyond the point of what they must do in order to shorten the songs, and she can tell that she’s doing it too, but she covers it up much much better than Lukas. She also wanders around the audience, and the stages and goes and sings to Supernova, putting delicious tasty emphasis on the “have you ever felt so used up as this?” lyrics, which is what Lukas should have done in the first place, and so despite the fact that she’s wearing a white shirt that looks not unlike a strait jacket, she does pretty well. She’s definitely a better singer that Courtney, but I have no idea if she’s as a good a lyricist.

Last in the bottom three is Magni, which is received widely with boos, but I am happy because I know it means I get to hear him sing twice. He decides to go for ‘Betterer than Lukas Part Deux’ and picks ‘Creep’, which he says he chose because it’s an anthem for his generation. Awww it’s adorable because it’s true. He does a pretty much straight forward cover, so it includes the chuuuuuuur ch ch ch guitar shift into the chorus, and that is awesome. And he’s so much more authentic than Lukas, and oh hey, what’s that water trickling down my face out of the corner of my eye? Ummm, I must be warming up for Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Honest. Plus I have so much love for his beanie and tree of life tshirt combination. Supernova of course tell him that he is miles away from going home, so they send him back to the other rockers while they debate Zayra’s risk-taking versus Patrice’s always-in-the-bottom-threeness. In the end, they decide that Patrice has more potential for their band, and just like that, the reign of Crazy is over. Which means that my predictions were wrong. Crazy.

I can’t wait til next week! Except it’s request week, where they’re going to be doing old songs again, unless you go and cast your votes for them all to do the ‘wildcard’ songs. Which others have done before, but still something new is better than the same thing again.

Reality / Performance / Results

Okay, before I get started, if you don’t get why I love Rockstar so much, please go watch the videos for a couple of performances last year – choose Jordis singing ‘The Man Who Sold the World’ or Marty doing ‘Wish You Were Here’, and then hopefully you’ll see. Otherwise, check out an episode of NZ Idol and compare it to an episode of Rockstar and then give me a call from hospital after you’ve gouged out your eyes.

I can’t believe they let Dana go when she had grown so much over the past five weeks. That’s insane. Sure, Shakira sang the verses of ‘Alone’ okay, but the chorus was still that full-on hideous “more louder is more betterer” bullshit that she always pulls out. And she is so taaaaacky. Ewww. I mean, obviously, Dana was never going to win. But she should have stayed another week. Jill shouldn’t still be here. And don’t even get me started on Zar Crash. And while I’m not getting started, it’d be awesome if I could stay away from the TWOP forums and recaps but I can’t. I really can’t. So I’m not even going to try.

The Reality Episode
Patrice doesn’t know why she’s in the bottom three. Brooke Burke wants to lie on the piano while Ryan plays. Well, I suppose the piano is less wooden than you, Brooke, so it might be a good match. Gilby shows up on a motorbike. I must interject now and talk about how much I’m currently in love with Gilby, even though apparently he and his wife started the craze for real low rise jeans with their label Frankie in 1998. And Frankie is named for their daughter, and there are articles linked from the TWOP forums about them that are just super cute. But I digress.

Back at the mansion, they all get electric guitars from Gibson, and Gilby plays a song for them and tells them they have to individually write lyrics and melody for the song and then perform it for Supernova the next day.

Lukas says the Supernova song makes him want it to pump it to ten. He’s obviously not a real rockstar or he’d turn his amp up to eleven. A fun wikipedia fact about Lukas is that he sings on Macdonald’s ads in Canadia eh, and also various cartoon soundtracks. YOu shouldn’t let someone who can’t even speak English talk to kids, right?

Dilana’s song is about living in the rockstar mansion, apparently. Storm goes running to write her song and she looks a lot more like Lindsay Lohan then she did the week before. Ryan wears a lot of eyeliner while he works on his song, and interviews about how authentic he is, but how his music is opposite to Lukas’s. Also his dress sense is totally opposite, given that Ryan dresses like a normal person while Lukas is wearing half a dozen necklaces. Apparently he’s the new Mr. T. Yeah I’m still angry about him fucking up that Hole song, in case you couldn’t tell. And Ryan gets shitty with him too for bugging him while he’s trying to write.

The next morning Gilby asks if they had enough time, and everyone says yes, and Ryan is like whaaaaaaat? because of course he didn’t even party the night before he was working so hard. His song sounds like Live vocals crossed with ummm something a little honky-tonkyish. Storm jumps up and down in a not very supportive bra. Jill forgot to put on pants and T’Lee says that she is a really good singer who always oversings. Gilby laughs at even interviewing about Dilana, and Jason says her song was cornball – strangely enough given that she’s singing about lotion and thongs. Lukas says his song rocks, it’s dirty and sexy like himself. Hmmmm. Well okay, it sounds pretty good. But he’s still an ass. He’s so the new JD. I am waiting for a human beings moment from him.

Magni’s fiance and baby show up and it makes me wanna cry because oh my god, what’s cuter than baldheaded rockers looking all softy? Oh no wait, that’s right, I’m coming up on a period, of course I’m going to be emotional. But holy crap that baby is cute. Magni is definitely in my top three now.

Song choice time! We’ve got Bowie, ‘Creep’, and umm I didn’t see what else. Dilana takes the songs out of The Room to the dining room table. Gilby’s going to be playing on ‘Won’t get fooled again’, so Dilana takes it. I wonder if she’ll grind. Ryan says “this isn’t a house of brilliant strategists, this is a house of musicians, so maybe that’s why we’re not all going for the Gilby song”. Dilana wants to show him that not all girls grind, and she says maybe she’ll headbutt him. Heh. Then she tries to convince Lukas to sing ‘Creep’ so that he can show Supernova his sensitive side. They talk about about him opening up his throat again. Hehehe. Yes, I’m still five. But also, remember how when they had a vocal coach and he was all “I’ve never formally trained”? That’s bullshit cos he went to some singing and dancing academy, according to Wikipedia. And Wikipedia never lies. The episode closes with him standing by himself in a spotlight at night trying to hit the note. I hope he can do it. The only thing worse than people covering Radiohead is people covering them badly. I’m looking at you here Zed…

Reality / Performance / Results

The Performance Show

So there’s all sorts of footage about how people didn’t want to play with a member of Supernova for various reasons, which is cut basically to make everyone look like whiney little brats, which of course means that Supernova gets pissed and Dave says that if he was in charge Dilana would win right now. Then Gilby takes off his jacket so he’s in a t-shirt and I swoon a little because he’s working the wrist cuff thing, and he gets up to play ‘Won’t get fooled’ again with Dilana. Her crazy hair is tied back in a big headscarf, so she looks very different than normal. She’s also wearing burgandy leather pants straight from the wardrobe of Season five Buffy which make it apparent that actually, Dilana has no ass. I never realised that before. And she sings the song just fine, and as promised, doesn’t grind on Gilby. Now some of the posters in the TWOP forum for the reality episode were like “why does Dilana keep going on about how Jill did the grinding? Get over it!” but seriously, do you think Gilby’s over it? He’s probably still waking up in the night screaming, and I bet it’s affected his lovelife with his lovely-sounding wife, because I’m sure he poured lysol over himself to try and get rid of the Shakira smell, and lysol’s just stingy. So as far as I’m concerned, Dilana can make as much fun of Jill as she likes. And the band love it.

Speaking of Jill, tonight performing ‘Mother Mother’, which is a flatout odd song, even if Brooke says it’s “Grammy nominated”, she’s Storm-lite, and she pulls off the same Avril Lavigne performance that Jenny did before she got evicted. She’s finally realised that “dressing like a rockstar” means going less heavy on the lip liner and more heavy on the eyes, but her eyebrows are totally black and look incredibly wrong. Plus, she’s wearing shorts and I can’t help but think of gofugyourself rants against formal shorts, and also unlaced clumpy boots. That’s not pratical, Jill! You could trip and hurt yourself. Although according to her official MSN bio it says that she had a pair of boots by Steve Madden named after her. Who the hell is Steve Madden? But nevermind. Supernova say it’s her best performance yet, and it’s true that she didn’t scream, but also she wasn’t fit enough to pull off all the running around she did while still hitting the notes. I haven’t said it yet today, so I’ll say it again now: I hate Jill, so I nearly piss myself when someone (probably Gilby) says “You know, I figured out why I’m scared to criticise you – it’s because you remind me so much of Carmella Soprano”.

Brooke’s all “somewhere in this auditorium is Ryan Star” and the new spotlights shoot through the crowd and pick up a hairy hooded figure making his way through the audience. Yes, that’s right, I said a hairy hooded figure, because it turns out that Ryan is wearing a wig over his hood. As you do. And he has a thick band of black makeup all across his eyes, ala Michael Stipe’s blue at Live8, and I am like WHAT. THE. FUCK? And text the same to Anji. And the feminist in me is glad that I get to bitch about male clothing as well as female clothing. But oh right, he’s singing “Paint it Black”. Of course, silly me. That explains the black tights. As the TWOP recaplet says “Good thing he didn’t sing “Honky Tonk Women,” because I’m not sure I needed to see him decked out like a truck-stop waitress. ” His vocals are on, but the energy seems really fake, and he’s taken the ethnicy bits out of the song in order to strip it back, and I’m just not feeling it, dawg. Supernova are like woah though, and say “you are totally a contender” which is funny, because when Brooke introduced him she said “Ryan proved last week that you are a contender”. And it’s also funny because season two of The Contender is now on in the States and as it’s Mark Burnett too they’re all about the crossover – the rockstars keep blogging about hanging out with the contenders. And if I gave a crap about boxing other than looking forward to my lesson today of course, and read Contender sites, they’d probably be talking about the rockstars. Nice work.

Storm’s white pants (white pants? What is she, a fourteen year old girl three years ago instead of a 37 year old now?) reveal that she has that curious ant segmentation-type torso, like D’Angelo or Pink. Creepy. She’s singing ‘We are the champions’ which of course JD absolutely slaughtered last year which led to the whole “Mig has already recorded the album with INXS conspiracy theory” after Mig was able to fucking kill ‘We will rock you’, although given that he was in the Queen stage show, that’s just as fucking well. I swear this much because it’s what rockers do, like when Jason was confused by Ryan and Dave was like “It was the * Jason, and you know it”. Storm sings it rather well, but she’s all standing in one place and so T’Lee worries that they’ve scared her into taking out her craziness, and she’s like “don’t worry, I can still rock the crap out of you” and I laugh.

Brooke says “there are two questions the world asks itself every week – what’s the weather going to be like, and what will Zayra be wearing?” I thought it was like “what’s for dinner, and why the fuck is she still in the competition?” but hey, I’ve never hosted Wild On, so what would I know? As it turns out, today Zar Crash is wearing huge fuckoff black platform shoes, a top hat and long black wig, and a skintight strapless flared gold latex jumpsuit. I don’t want to alarm you, but I’m pretty sure she’s not wearing any panties under it either. She’s singing David Bowie’s ‘All the Young Dudes’ so maybe this is her interpration of Glam Rock. Harvestbird texts me out of the blue to say that she looks like Willy Wonka, and haha, it’s funny because it’s true, and I’d like to encourage the rest of you with my number to text me similar thoughts as we watch. Curiously, Magni is playing the guitar for her. I’m not sure why. Maybe he’s into autoerotica, in the David Cronenburg Crash sort of way. What is autoerotica if it’s not getting off on car crashes anyway? Hmmm, if only there was a place I could go to where I could type in a word and find an answer. Perhaps monkeys could deliver me the information in a tube of sorts. Oh, it’s masturbating. I should have known that. Well I suppose that’s probably what Zayra will resort to next on stage. For the record, her singing it pretty atrocious too, and at one stage I’m pretty sure they’ve turned off her mike. Bless you, house band. Dave says if this was Rockstar: Pluto she’d win, and someone says it’s important that their singer have confidence. The TWOPer recapper suggested last week that people realise Supernova aren’t going to send her home until much later because they are also fans of her auto erotica, people are now voting for Zayra so that she doesn’t end up in the bottom three so that we don’t have to sit through two songs from her a week. Hehehe.

T’Lee says he feels like playing the drums when Josh announces that he’s singing ‘Interstate Love Song’ and Josh is like “What? Are you serious?” and it’s like the first time I’ve seen Josh in any kind of likeable light. He stands playing the guitar for this song which is boring boring boring and he misses his cue once again. Filllllller. The band say his voice sounds good, which is true, but meh.

More footage is shown of Magni with his family who were flown over to visit him, and his baby is perhaps the cutest thing on the face of the planet ever. Magni comes out with just an accoustic guitar and he sings “the Dolphin’s Cry”, and despite the many years I spent making fun of Live with Tom, I suppose it helps that there’s not a ridiculously bloated video with water crashing through an alleyway knocking down models, because all of a sudden my allergies flare up, and there’s something in my eye. It must just be dust, right? Right? I mean, I wouldn’t cry when someone was singing a Live song. That’s ridiculous. But they do cutaways to his fiancee in the audience and his baby wearing protective ear muffs, all Apple Paltrow-Martin at Live8 except cool, and oh, just the vulnerability in his voice, and the beauty of just him in the spotlight and wow, I really should take some allergy pills. Magni is now officially my favourite. Especially when he gets all choked up when Supernova ask him how it was having his family over. How moved was I? Enough to spend 99 cents on a text vote and then leave the realative warmth of the lounge to go and vote for him three times online as well.

Patrice is singing ‘Instant Karma’ by John Lennon which I thought I didn’t know until it came to the chorus. She does the playing the guitar thing, sticking to what she knows, and I’m like oh Patrice, why? I like you, but you’re going to be in the bottom three. Where’s the over-the-top drama? Where’s the ridiculousness?

Lukas is wearing a silver brocade jacket that’d make a nice bedspread. He’s toned down his eyeshadow to display his sensitive side, but the shoulderpads are still totally unnecessary. His delivery of ‘Creep’ starts out as a muted affair, which I’m a bit disappointed in, because I would have loved to hear the house band to the chick-chick-chugga-chugga lift into the chorus. He winks at Supernova when he sings “I don’t belong here” making me wanna punch him in the face, but when he launches into the “Run, run, ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun” bit he totally nails the note and gives me chills. He’s opening up his mouth and letting it pour out as Jason has always asked him to, and that’s how I know he will get the encore, although I want Magni to, but Lukas hasn’t had it before. Did anyone get double encores last year? I should check that out and report back to you.

Toby sings ‘Burning Down the House’ exactly as if he was Brandon Flowers and he was with the Killers, until Zayra brings him out a megaphone swathed in an Australian flag and it becomes apparent that he actually thinks he’s Scott Weiland. Dave tells him it was an unnecessary gimmick, but Supernova like it. I suppose none of their bands were exactly models of restraint and taste either.

Bottom three are Jill, Patrice and Josh, or maybe Zayra though I have my doubts, and the encore will be Lukas’s.

Reality / Performance / Results

The Results Show

I was of course right about Lukas getting the encore. Dilana looks pissed off when his name is announced, which gives some weight to the theory that people on the TWOP forums have been bantering about, that she only told Lukas to sing ‘Creep’ cos she thought it’d fuck him up – but I still don’t believe that. Or do I? I do hate on the South African accent after all, and she must get that Lukas is probably her strongest competition in terms of being the other person who appears to be right for the band. Then Supernova then announce that they’re giving out two and I’m stoked that Magni gets it. I’m also stoked that plugged in, I’m not nearly as moved, so maybe I’m not going to start liking Live after all. Phew! That was a narrow escape. Supernova tell the rockers that if they survive tonight they get to go to Vegas with them, and dude, how fucking awesome would that be? I’d even sleep with Jason Newsted to get to go on that trip – and I imagine he’d be a crier. Actually, perhaps sleeping with Jason wouldn’t be the worst idea in the world – he’d order me to “CRUSH IT” and I could deliver. I digress.

The bottom five are Zayra, Jill, Patrice, Ryan, and Josh. No surprises there. Jill’s the first person in the bottom three, and she’s dressed like my sister used to dress in 1989, light-ish jeans with holes in the knee that are a little baggy and look like they’d be slightly tapered, those stupid undone boots again (although full credit to Anji for never wearing those) and some kind of ugly black top, which would be fine if she didn’t announce she was going to sing ‘R.E.S.T.E.C.P’. I always knew she got the wrong memo and thought she was on Idol. And she belts it out as she always does, and I’m like, woah, awesome display of subtly there Jill – NOT. Yeah that’s right, it’s so bad it makes me revert to 1991 slang. In fact, it’s so bad it makes the House Band sound bad, and that’s never ever happened before. And yes, I know that most of the House Band also play for Michelle Branch, and that she’s not the coolest singer ever, BUT she was on Buffy so I think they were too, and that version of ‘Goodbye to you’ was killer, and Tara was leaving, and Willow was crying in the bathroom and oh, it was so sad and beautiful and tragic. Obviously I need to revert to a happy place to deal with the Shakira.

Josh is also in the bottom three, and he sings umm hmm, I can’t remember what he sang at all, and the TWOP recaplet doesn’t tell me. I guess that says a lot about Josh and the memorability of his performance. I do remember him bobbling his head about like Phil x 1000 though, and that he sang strapped in to his guitar again, so it’s obvious he’s had enough and wants to go home. Ryan, meanwhile, does not want to go home, and he makes that rather clear, along with how cunning and calculated he is when he says he’s going to be doing a Depeche Mode song “but I’ve changed the arrangement to make it more like what you want to hear…. which is what I like as well”. Nice work there Ryan, aligning your values with theirs. Now how are you at raping girls in the closet?

Ryan sings it well enough for Supernova to say thatt they want to see more of him, so it’s Jill and Josh left, and then the awesome happens, and both of them get kicked out! Josh asks if he still gets to come to Vegas, and in that moment I love him a lot. But I am happy that they are going. Now when the fuck will they evict Zar Crash? Stop voting for her! Hearing her sing twice will be okay if it means she’s finally leaving.

The Reality Episode

First, I must howl out a protest against the MSN site calling this a ‘webisode’. Please to stop of the killing. But I know I didn’t comment on the elimination episode, so I will say now that why the hell didn’t they get rid of Zayra? I know there’s no way that she will win, but sweet baby cheeses, she’s terrible. K’s choice as her choice? Very very odd. But Patrice was good with the Radiohead.

Bear with me, because the video’s not playing properly and I’ve seen the credits about a thousand times now, along with the “previously on Rockstar…” and it’s driving me craaaaaaaazy.

Shakira says it’s hard for her to watch herself but she has to. Dilana says “he’s running away, like help!” about Gilby, and that makes me laugh, because ahaha it’s funny because it’s true. Jason has come by to point out how Shakira hit Gilby with the mikestand and tell her that she always has to know where her guys are. Jason tells the camera that she takes all too personally. The male rockers make fun of her. Toby looks at his watch and he and Lukas start playing noughts and crosses while she’s still talking. Dilana feels like she did her worst vocal performance on ‘Time after time’ and she’s embarrassed. Aww, it’s nice to have some humility. Shame about the South African accent though. Patrice says something about knowing her fans and makes me not like her so much.

Lukas finds the song choices and takes down all the pictures. He’s wearing a pirate t shirt which makes me dislike pirates a little. The rockers are freaked out by him taking down the songs, and are not sure about it because of not being in the room. They find a picture of Tommy Lee under ‘Higher Ground’ and all of a sudden more people want it. There’s ‘Celebrity Skin’ in the mix, and ‘Santaria’ and some ’876/Jenny’ song I’ve never heard of before. Patrice gets ‘Higher Ground’ in the end because Josh wants to sing it all Stevie Wonder, because remember, he’s like, the soul brother, but he thinks Tommy Lee will play it like the Chilli Peppers. Patrice fights with Ryan, because that’s what everyone does, and then she cries on Shakira’s shoulder about how wise or not wise it is to sing with a member of the band at this stage when she’s under the microscope.

Storm has ‘Changes’ by David Bowie and is worried about it. Josh talks again about how he’s a soul singer. He knows what he wants to do and who he wants to be. That’s nice and all buddy, but the band also know what they want and I’m pretty sure they’ve made it pretty clear that they’re not into a soul singer. Zayra says that her rehersals are always a big challenge. Maybe because you’re a bitch? The House Band are all “oh my god, you’re terrible”. Zayra says it’s because she’s got a producer’s mind. Maybe that’s what she should be doing instead then eh? Anything to get her the hell out of this competition.

The video fucks up again and again, so I’m not sure how much further it goes.

The performance show

Patrice – ‘Higher Ground’: Brooke announces that Patrice will be doing the RHCP’s version of the song, (surprise, surprise), and there’s a fuckoff big drum kit set up in the middle of the stage, so in case you missed the reality episode, it becomes pretty clear that T’Lee is going to be playing with her, and also playing the drums for Patrice. Heh. Patrice has her hair all done up in a fauxhawk, and looks a little bit like what I imagine how Geri Halliwell dressed when she thought she was auditioning for the lead in Tank Girl, but her vocals are strong, and her performance is good. Everyone goes crazy about T’Lee’s playing. It’s not like he’s spinning upside down or anything though.

Josh – ‘Santaria’: Josh is wearing a dumb hat and looks like a frat boy trying to look cool so he can score some weed. He misses his cue at the start of the song, and then does some beatboxing. What? I mean come on man, at least pretend that you want to win. Still, I like his version of the song much better than Sublime’s, but then again, I hate Sublime because they remind me of this guy I knew who used the dead singer as a role model, and that guy was an idiot. Although to his credit, magic fingers. And also Sublime reminds me of Paeroa and Gil, and that’s not a bad thing. But I don’t like Josh.

Dilana – ‘Can’t get enough’: For half a second, I think that she’s going to be singing Supergroove, but thankfully, she’s not. TWOP says this song is by Bad Company, and I kind of know it, but not really. Dilana goes through the crowd to sing to Supernova, and then hitches a ride on some guy’s shoulders back to the stage. I’m sure that was like, totally spontaneous and not planned at all or anything, really. Supernova go crazy for her, and Dave asks if she stole his pants while I look on in horror after realising that the shiny parts on her leather pants are actually mesh inserts. I’m sure she sang the song well and all, but dumb song. Nevermind. It’s not like Dilana’s going to be going home any time soon anyway, so I’m sure she’ll move me more next week.

Toby – ‘Pennyroyal tea’: I’ve given up crying over how often they do Nirvana songs, and will secretly admit to you – but only to you, because we’re like BFF, that I really like Toby’s arrangement of the song, because at least he’s not trying to be Kurt. The fact that he goes into the audience right after Dilana did it is commented on by Supernova, and then the camera cuts to a closeup of the random woman he hugged and we realise that him choosing to hug her wasn’t actually random, but rather that her boobs are so huge they have their own set of gravity and drew him in.

Zayra – ’867-5309/Jenny’: I don’t know this song, but I do know that I saw the Yeah Yeah Yeahs less than a month ago, and consequently I really really do not appreciate Zayra being all in a gold leotard and hiding underneath a cape in a total and utter Karen 0 rip-off. She rolls and writhes around on the ground, and in another totally staged moment at the end Dave says he doesn’t know what to say so they cut to a commercial break. When they come back, Gilby says that he knows there was controversy about her staying instead of Phil last week, but she just demonstrated why they kept her around. That of course translates to “you’re batshit insane and we know you’re not going to win, but we’re waiting to see you come onstage in a g-string and bite the head off Brooke and play her intestines like a zylophone”.

Magni – ‘Clocks’: We talked about my dislike of Chris Martin when Lukas did ‘Don’t Panic’, so I expected to like Magni doing this song more, but he so can’t hit the high notes, and it’s kind of embarrassing. Before he sang they showed him seeing a video of his son walking for the first time and it makes me feel a little bit gooey, so I well up a bit when T’Lee announces that they’re flying Magni’s wife and baby over from Iceland. I expect her to walk out on stage, but luckily she doesn’t. Magni’s like “I’m going to go and cry now” and I’m all “I <3 Magni" once more.

Jill - 'Don't you forget about me': There's no way that Emilio Estevez would pump his fist in the air while listening to this, let alone the coolness that is Judd Nelson. Jill's had crazylong extensions put in, forgetting perhaps that she's only four feet tall. She sings too high, and the band tell her off for it, and Gilby tells her once more that she's better than that. Really? Cos I have yet to see any evidence of her being better than anything - her version of 'Bring me to life' whooping Zayra's excepted.

Ryan - 'Losing my religion': Remember how this song was okay when it came out, and then Brenda played it over and over when she broke up with Dylan, and everyone knows that the only good thing that was ever repeated on 90210 was junior year? And now just how fucking annoying and whiney REM sound? Well, Ryan sounds nothing like that. He gets a grand piano wheeled out, and he tackles this song insanely well. He brings a whole new grunt and intensity to it, and everyone is floored. Ryan will most assuredly be getting the encore. I wonder if he’s the new Marty Casey in terms of slow-burning. All of the rockers’ blogs that mention his singing and his own songs outside of performances talk about fantastic he is, so maybe he could just be the one to watch.

Lukas – ‘Celebrity Skin’: Cutaways to Lukas during other people’s songs have seen him looking like he wants to cry the whole way through the show and I was wondering if it was emotional-caught-up-in-music-ness, or jealousy, or nerves, and now as he fucks up pretty much every single line in this song I know it was nerves. He turns his back on the audience a lot to try and cover up that he’s about to cry some more while he’s singing. You’re so off my Xmas card list, Lukas. I know that ‘Celebrity Skin’ is a particularly hard song to sing, based on my Singstar experiences with it, but seriously dude, the lyrics to this song are fucking awesome and are really quite applicable to anyone competing on a reality TV show, so how dare you stuff them up so badly? And what the FUCK is up with your red satin padded shoulder jacket? Bad bad bad. You’re bottom of the night for me, buddy, because I know you can do better.

Storm – ‘Changes’: she sings this like she’s in a caberet show, and the suit is quite a change from last week’s comic book girl look. The band love it. I’m a little meh about it.

Dana – ‘Baba O’Reilly’: Jordis sang this last year, and anything Jordis sings should be like, sacred or something, but I’m really impressed with Dana. She’s totally growing into her own skin in front of our eyes. I loved her doing Nirvana last year but thought that she was playing the role of a rockstar – this looks much more natural. Nice work.

Encore to Ryan, bottom three will be Jill, Zayra maybe and JoshorToby.

Reality / Performance / Results

Reality episode from the interweb

Dana bitches about Ryan calling her not rock on international television. Hey Dana, I’m calling you not rock on international interweb – how do you like THEM apples, bitch?

Gilby plays his guitar at the house, and it’s a song-writing clinic. They get to write lyrics and melodies in teams led by Dilana, Toby and Magni, since they won the encores. Anyone remember ‘Stop/Go’? Or that little ditty ‘Pretty Vegas’? Dana bitches about being picked last for baseball, and she’s chosen last again.

In Team One (Dilana, Storm, Ryan, Lukas) Lukas writes “if you could touch a star, would it show you what you are?” Umm no, it would burn you, because I’m not sure if you know this up there in Canada, but stars are big flaming balls of gas. So instead Lukas goes off for a beer break.

On Team Two, Phil, Zayra, Toby and Patrice talk about scat. Huh?

Magni bitches at Shakira to shut up, because he wants to hear the song a couple of times first. She talks about how it pours out of her. By ‘it’ do you mean shit, Shakira?

Lukas goes to disturb Magni’s group, because apparently he has ADD. He’s also wearing white pants. Doesn’t he know it’s after Labour Day?

Magni talks about how he’s recorded six albums with his band, so he knows the process, apparently, and Shakira storms out. Did we ever figure out what band he was from? No? I’m going to say the Bomb Funk MCs then. Sweden, Iceland, Finland – what’s the difference? Shakira comes back, and their team effort goes okay.

Patrice loses the tracks that they recorded. Phil says “I hear there are worst catastrophes in other rooms”. Mean while on Team One, Lukas can’t sing what he’s supposed to, so Storm takes the mike off him. When they sing the final version for Supernova, it includes the line “Am I your little bitch or am I your girl?” Um hi, you’re singing to Tommy Fucking Lee, of course you’re his little bitch. All of you. But the song actually sounds pretty fucking cool. Much better than INXS anyway. T’Lee says he got goosebumps, Gilby Clarke loves on the chorus despite their headbutting. I’m surprised that Lukas doesn’t break out with his own individual version of it, but perhaps he missed that episode with JD last year.

Team Two are all with the whispering evil start. Phil is all swaggering all over the place like he’s drunk, you know, just for a change.

Team Three is very modest with Magni saying they’re the best. Jason loves their harmonies and their gospel feel. Gilby waves his lighter. These songs all sound really good. I want to hear them in full. T’Lee says not to take them in the bluesy direction. And then they party. Phil is wearing an orange headband and I don’t understand why. Tommy passes out jager shots, which I suppose is his trademark thing, given the amount of time he spends in Tommyland talking about the jager machine he had installed in his kitchen. Gilby says his daughter plays guitar. I wonder if Tommy’s banged her yet.

Lukas looks like Sonic the Hedgehog when he pushes his sunglasses up on his head. Gilby’s going to be playing on ‘Brown Sugar’ and so they have to fight for him. Ryan wants ‘I Alone’ by Live. FUCK, they’ve got ‘About a Girl’. STOP WITH THE MOTHERFUCKING NIRVANA. Why Courtney why? They’re being more civil this time, writing names on songs while they’re up on the board. Shakira says she’ll stay away from ‘White Wedding’ but offers up her dress to anyone who wants it, and that makes me go ‘heh’ which redeems her a little. Most of the girls want ‘Call Me’ and I can’t blame them for that. Storm takes ‘Anything Anything’ and says that she can do anything. I don’t know the song, but the way she’s talking to the camera so confidently, you know this means she’ll be kicked off next. Poor Lindsay Lohan and her boobies. Unless of course Jill pisses off Gilby too much making him play in the key of E.

EDIT: Also, read “the rockers’” journals online here. I’m so never voting for Dilana again (you know, if I had actually voted), solely because of her apostrophe catastrophes. And her use of the phrase “OMG”, because what kind of loser writes that all over the interweb?

Reality / Performance / Results

Performance Show

Lukas – ‘Bittersweet Symphony’: Jason says “I’m waiting for you to open up your throat”, and while usually I’d say that should be T’Lee saying that, I’m going to agree. Dude, Lukas, I appreciate that the way you talk and the way you write in your blog really does give the impression that English is not your first language, but if you’re trying to be JD you should remember that at least JD paid attention when INXS talked and followed their advice to the letter. That said, I did like it when they dropped all the lights down and had him in a spotlight, but he should have held the pause a little longer.

Anji says: “Lukas ? didn?t really dig it, although it wasn?t that bad. I hate to say it, but I agree with Jason about the strangled vocals. Plus, Lukas is such a teenaged brat.”

Zayra – ‘Call me’: To quote TWOP here – “I’ll be very surprised if anyone does. Or texts her for that matter”. For starters, she’s dressed in a RUBBER SUIT that’s a cross between Sergent Pepper and a power ranger. I don’t understand how she could have possibly thought it was a good idea to wear that. Plus, just for a change, she’s out of breath when she sings. This is hideous. Bart yells out “stop it, stop it stop it” and I feel his pain even though he apologises for intruding on my precious TV hour. She says that she did well when Supernova challenge her, and I want to punch her in the face some more. They looked pained while she was performing. Even T’Lee is having trouble with her outfit.

Anji says: “Zayra ? I actually think she looked pretty hot in a tacky kinda way, but by the end of the song it just sounded like bad karaoke!! Her voice is not strong enough and she just couldn?t cope. She HAS to be next to go?”

Dana – ‘About a girl’: This is rocking, Dana, you sitting down on a stool playing a guitar but keeping your face in a grimace. For once you actually look like you could be living the words of the song, so sure, you’re running around with a no-good hooker, but hey, you live with Jill anyway, right? Oooh burn. But seriously, Dana’s best performance yet, even though it’s obvious that she’s been studying Dilana. Plus the outfit is so much better than the miniskirt and leopard print corset monstrosity that she thanked the stylist for picking out for her in her blog. In fact, I might go as far as to say that this is my favourite performance of a Nirvana song all series, although I still wish they’d stop.

Anji says: “Dana ? definitely her best performance (and I thought that before the boys said so). I really liked her voice on that song (even if I?d prefer Kurt?s)”.

Patrice – ‘Remedy’: You know that I’ve been loving on the Patrice, and she can sing and she looks really comfortable on the stage, but this performance is a bit boring. When Dave tells her to do something different for each song, she sasses back “Is that what you do?” and he looks really shaken but comes back with “I’ve got the job, you’re just auditioning”. Snarky.

Anji says: “Patrice ? I like her ease and comfort on stage, but the song was really dull, and she almost looked too relaxed, y?know? But Dave ? what a wanker!!”

Toby – ‘White Wedding’: You can tell that I’ve watched way too many reality singing shows when even I can tell that he starts the song out too low so that he can do a key change halfway through. Toby’s got energy, and power, and this is pretty good, but he’s just so ugly. And I hate the way he turns up the Aussie accent. Supernova love him, although they note the lowness too.

Anji says: ” Toby ? very stadium rock. And he?s just not as sexy as he thinks he is.”

Magni – ‘Heroes’: Magni’s voice is amazing here, and I don’t have a problem with him standing behind a microphone playing the guitar, although Supernova do. They tell him he needs to sing the song to everyone in the room, and he says he’s singing it to someone across the other side of the world. Awwww.

Anji says: “Magni ? great singing. I thought the boys might think he wasn?t bringing the rock enough, but I guess he proved he can hold a lovely melody. Also, I like that he?s not as defensive as some of the others when criticised (I suppose he can go home to Icelandic glory and a decent career anyway)”

Ryan – ‘I Alone’: Okay, so I like guys with big noses. I have no problem admitting that. I love how Ryan is dressed simply, in a shirt and pants and a chain. It’s like the others dress how they think that rockstars dress (except for Zayra, obviously), but Ryan dresses how he dresses, and he looks hot. He rocks this song out, although Bart yells “stop it, stop it!” again when Ryan gets up on the drum kit to jump off. Sorry, did I just say “rocks this song out”? Sorry. But he’s definitely “crushing it” as Jason would like him to do, and Supernova appreciate that. Ryan says he’s having fun, and smiles. Nice work, best performance of his yet.

Anji says: “Ryan ? he even looked the part for Live!! I thought it was a great song choice and he did pretty good, but he really struggled with that ?fear is not the end?? line ? didn?t Marty struggle with the same bit?? Maybe we have to give Mr Live some credit??” No, we should never give Mr Live some credit. Remember “her placenta falls to the floor” ? Terrrrrrrrrible song.

Jill – ‘Brown Sugar’: Shakira is dressed like a Hooters waitress in hot pants, a singlet and heels, and I pay very little attention to her singing, except to note that you can hardly hear it because either there’s some weird echo or the backing vocals are turned up too loud, because she starts dancing up on Gilby, who’s playing the guitar for this song, and she doesn’t stop. Now, I admit that recently my affections have strayed from T’Lee to Mr Clarke since he started wearing tshirts, and I have a thing for anyone who wears a cuff while playing the guitar (I suspect this is a step up from fancying anyone who wears a static wristband while fixing computers at least), but damn girl, get your cooter off him, you’re making him sticky and he’s not happy about it. In fact, in his comments he even says it was cheap and degrading and that this contest should be about singing and not sex. Ha! But still Shakira, ewww. When a guy who used to be in a band with AXL ROSE who had sex with a porn star to record it in the break of my fav GNR song ‘Rocket Queen’, even if Gilby wasn’t around for Appetite, says you’re tacky and nasty, you need to pay attention. You’re like 53. Stop it.

Anji says: “Jill – blah. Even before Gilbey gave his little spiel about the grinding I could tell she was making him really uncomfortable on stage. She?s such a bimbo. It almost seems a shame she can sing. Maybe Vegas.”

Phil – ‘One headlight’: I have no idea why anyone would ever listen to the Wallflowers. They’re quite possibly the blandest band in the world, and Phil doesn’t even have Jakob Dylan’s pretty eyes to see him through. This is awful. Bart yells out for it to stop some more, and I wonder why the hell Phil lumbers around so much. He needs to grow into his arms, maybe? And lose the goatee. And why oh why didn the producers make anyone sing this song? Supernova argue amongst themselves about Phil’s bobbleheadedness instead of his blandness.

Anji says: “Phil ? awful. And boring. And the wobble does gotta go.”

Dilana – ‘Time after time’: I love this song so much, and even though Dilana is wearing some godawful crushed velvet hot pink corset thing, her hair looks amazing in its pink and purpleness, and her arrangement of the song, with just her and the hot guitarist playing solo accoustic is stunning. Stunning. I get my first welling-up of the season.

Anji says: “Dilana ? didn?t really like that version of Cyndi Lauper, but I still love her voice and think she did well. She looked a bit like a crazy gay pirate!! I think she?s playing the game very strategically, proving she can sing soft pop and in a high voice, proving she can rock out, proving she can do an innovative re-arrangement etc”

Josh – ‘No rain’: I know that they only get like, 90 seconds, but this song is chopped up to all hell and makes no sense, and Josh sounds really bad. He pleads with Supernova to embrace their soul side, and I’m just like oh my god, you are pathetic. They are the ones in the position of power here buddy, not you. You’re riding too much on the fact that they said you had one of the best voices around – in the first week. Move on.

Anji says: “Josh ? quite a good-timey song, and not badly performed, just bland. I really thought he shoulda done the Black Crowes actually ? would?ve really suited his voice (but maybe that seemed too obvious)”

Storm – ‘Everything, Everything’: I don’t know this song, but I do know that Storm is 37. 37! Lindsay Lohan is not going to look this good when she gets that old. Storm rocks, storming (heh) around the stage, showing Jill how to interact with a band without dripping vaginal juices on them, hitting all the notes right, coming across with huge energy and then launching herself into the audience in a T’Lee-approved beautiful dive. Nice work Storm.

Anji says: “Storm ? ROCKS! I reckon she should get the encore. She needs to stop with the crazy wide-eyed rolling, but still? Great energy, great voice, passionate delivery of a good song (not that I have anything to compare it to!!)”

Bottom three: Zayra (if there is a god, she’ll be going home too), Jill and Phil/Josh. I’d give the encore to Zilana, but I reckon Storm will get it.

Reality / Performance / Results

Results Show

The reality episode on the interweb:
Woo, it’s vocal coaching time, which means that Lukas gets all shirty and pretends he is more authentic than everyone else. Dilana freaks out and sings higher than she’s used to. Patrice is awesome. Soul Boy Josh annoys me. Then they fight over song choice. Soul Boy is all “I must do ‘Come as you are’ to show that I’ve got edge” and then he sits on it, and that’s that. His unselfish attitude is apparently the reason that Patrice and Jill start bitching at each other over ‘Helter Skelter’, but actually we all know that the reason they’re fighting is because Jill is a Shakira hag and is way too old to win, wheras Patrice is awesome. Have I said that lately? Well the House Band say it too. Did you know that the bassist is Russian? I love the interweb. Lukas pretends to be more authentic than anyone else by saying it doesn’t matter what song he gets because he will still rock it. Then he bitches because he doesn’t know ‘let’s spend the night together’. The house band say he sings it awesomely until he gets them to put in loops and rearrange it like a Marilyn Manson band. Lukas says he is more authentic and a rockstar for making this decision. Hahaha Lukas, you’re trying too hard to be JD…

The Performance Show

Stop the press! Dave’s breaking up with Carmen! I wonder why? Could it be because he’s banging one or more of the rockers? I bet it is. And I bet he’s doing ummmm hmm Zayra? Surely that’s the only reason why she’s still in the competition?

Patrice fought Shakira for ‘Helter Skelter’, and I’m damn glad she did, because she rocks. Her hair is now black and platinum, which confirms what I’ve already said, and that’s that she is the new Suzi McNeil. I wonder if she’s going to start going out with Hank Azaria too now.

I want to punch Josh in the face for his booooooooooring version of ‘Come as you are’. Why the hell are they allowed to do this to so many Nirvana songs? Dave is miming sleep on his throne and it makes me laugh.

Storm is growing on me. I suspect that’s because she reminds of Mean Girls era Lindsay Lohan, and I’m not just saying that cos I’m perving on her boobies. I also really like ‘Just what I needed’.

Lukas’s ‘Let’s spend the night together’ doesn’t sound at all Marilyn Mansony, although admittedly I’m in the kitchen making toast for most of it, and our toaster is incredibly slow. His eyeshadow is still pretty.

Shakira is still hideous, and ‘Alright now’ is a terrible song. I don’t get what crack Supernova are smoking when they say they like it. There’s no way that they’d ever choose her, so why is she still here? She must suck a mean cock. I suppose being only three and a half feet tall must help with that.

When Ryan sings ‘Fortune’s Son’ I like him for the first time ever, but he still isn’t doing it as well as Brandon Calhoon did it last year. Perhaps I just really liked Brandon because he reminded me of James Robinson though. And then when Ryan actually smiles, he looks really hot, if your definitition of ‘hot’ is “looks like Warren from Buffy” which disturbingly, mine often is. Anji sends me a nasty text message which I won’t reprint here as to her opinion of his looks. That girl lived in Australia too long.

If only Phil would lose that fucking goatee, he’d probably be my favourite, purely because he looks like the type of boy that I normally go for, although his singlet should be tighter and he should swaying like he’s drunk if he’s not. But ‘White Rabbit’ sounds real good all hard like this, although apparently it takes a while to build up dancing-together chemistry because he and Jason keep bumping into each other.

I’ve always thought that ‘It’s my life’ by Bon Jovi sounded exactly like ‘Larger than life’ by the Backstreet Boys, and a quick search on Wikipedia confirms that they’re both written by Max Martin who, as we all know, is most famous for ‘Baby one more time’. That doesn’t explain why it’s SUCH A TERRIBLE SONG though. Sucks to be Dana. As she says in the results show, “how was I not rocking? I was pumping my arm in the air!”. Oh, is that what rocking is? Right, I get it now.

Anji loves of the Toby, because she says it’s nice to have someone who is drama-free, but oh man, he’s just ugly, and that Australian accent is so put on in order to differentiate himself, and also, Soul Asylum, ‘Runaway train’? You can mime “call me!” at me all you like, Toby, but I’m never going to like you. You’re showing the band your emotions are you? Riiiight. Anji’s like “I like him because he’s a surfer” to which I text back “Surfers are responsible for Jack Johnson”. Enough said.

Magni is well suited to ‘Plush’, but to me, there’s something a little lacking. Maybe it’s because it’s almost identical to the original, which is fucking great, but where’s the Icelandicness in this?

Oh yeah that’s right, Zayra stole it, doing her best Bjork impression on ‘Everybody hurts’, which is that song that all news media ever plays when they do a story about suicide. Not to be crass or anything, but Zayra’s wailings, coupled with that seethrough sparkly sweater dress kind of make me want to jump off an overpass. Why did the band say they like it?

Jenny doing Incubus is adequate, but yaaaaaaaaaaawn, as Supernova tell her. Go back to the super short skirt, lady. Don’t worry, Sheryl Crow called to tell you that soon you’ll be gone and you can go and find yourself a one-balled biker too.

I decided on the bus this morning that Dilana is a lesbian (because yes, you’re allowed to make snap judgements of people’s sexuality like that. Honest), which makes her perfect for the band, because she won’t sleep with Tommy and therefore there’ll be some sexual tension, not sexual boredom. Girls in corsets are awesome. The Cranberries are pretty naff, but she does well with ‘Zombie’. It’s so going to be her or Lukas or Magni that wins overall. I can’t see anyone else in the role.

The elimination
Ryan is spot on when he says that Dana belongs on a pop show, but I really like that Dana did an unknown song. It does well for her. Zayra’s all like “I so can’t believe I am here” and I want to punch her in the face just a bit more. Josh IS DOING NIRVANA AGAIN AND IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY THAT I NEED TO BUST OUT THE CAPITAL LETTERS. Courtney, I know that rehab is expensive, but really, did you have to sell them the entire catelogue? Also, Josh makes me laugh because he’s been all “I hear you” to the musicians, and I recently had an amusing conversation with an incredibly cheesy boy who told me that you should always use an action verb appropriate to what the person you’re talking to does in order to build up trust, so if you’re talking to a painter you’d be like “I see what you’re saying” or a massage therapist would be “I feel what you’re saying” and a singer would be “I hear what you’re saying”, and oh the cheese of it all. Jenny doing STP looks like Avril Lavinge, and she is not fit enough to run around and sing at the same time. Anji and I both agree that it’s going to be Jenny that goes, and of course we’re right. A girl is not going to win this competition, unless she’s Dilana. Sorry Patrice, but I figure you’re in this like Marty Casey anyway – you’ve got your own thing going on and you want the publicity. I dig that, bro.

These thoughts are going to be really scattered.

So, I compared Matt to Michael Murphy earlier, but I really think his Duran Duran song was fucking awesome. But not what they wanted to hear.

And I don’t want to write up every single performance, but can I just say that Jill Goia is hideous, and that white dress was terrible, but Courtney Love is not wearing a white wedding dress on the cover of Live Through This. In fact, she’s not even on the fucking front cover. Dumbass Dave Navarro.

I want to start wearing eyeshadow like Lukas, but I don’t want to be him. It must be so hard to be homeless – I mean, where could you store your hair products? But I really like his version of ‘Don’t panic’, because I secretly like Coldplay, except for Chris Martin, so it’s nice to hear it sung rougher, and not as whiney, and without Gwyneth imagery.

Why the fuck were those people singing Creed and Tonic? Those are IDOL songs. Bah. And hearing Tonic twice was just super cruel. I suppose I need to try and remember that they don’t get to pick them, but still. They could like, rebel, storm the castle or something. Why are you repeating on us, producers? I expect better from you, Mr Burnett.

I don’t like Phil as a singer, but he seems pretty smart when he talks. Meanwhile, I want to punch Zahyra in the head. I didn’t think Toby’s ‘Somebody told me’ was all that exciting. I delivered a much better performance of it on Saturday night. But I was dressed in a corset, so that probably helped. I’m glad that Chris got booted, just because of the clothes that he wore – first he dresses exactly like Anthony Keidis and then he does a total Brandon Flowers. If these aren’t his choices, he should still stand up and fight’em.

Now I am in love with the reality episodes on the official website, because the whole point is seeing them bitch about each other and stuff. Go the internet!

Does anyone actually still care about NZ Idol anymore? No? Good! Then I can talk about Rockstar instead, and try to recap weekly. You know though that I’ll be comparing the two shows once NZ Idol gets started though, so you might as well get on board now.

First off: I loved the whole idea of Rockstar because I didn’t like INXS so I didn’t care about Michael turning over in his grave and choking himself some more. The idea of finding a singer for a new super group is a better one, I think, although I’m still surprised that Scott Weiland is still alive and that this isn’t Rockstar: Velvet Revolver.

I also need to let you know that ever since I read The Dirt I have wanted to sleep with Tommy Lee. I know he’s probably riddled with a thousand diseases, but I’m going to go with the theory that he’s got so many of them that they’d all get caught in the doorway together and I wouldn’t catch anything, and that’d be great. Yes, I know this makes me sick and wrong and just full of self hatred, but I can’t help it. That’s why I was happy when he appeared looking so old and haggard, I was like “yay, I don’t actually want to sleep with him at all!” And then he proceeded to sit cross-legged and for some reason that really turned me on. Distuuuuuuuuurbing. Gilby Clark looks like he’s one of the three musketeers, but he’s surprisingly articulate. And Jason Mewsted, well, he’s from Metallica. And that whiney Emo-looking producer, well, bah to him I say. Also: It’s good to know that Brooke Burke is still totally and utterly fug. And Dave Navaro looks like a white Prince. He needs to stop tweezing his eyebrows. Now on to the performers:

Storm – ‘Pinball Wizard’by The Who: I’ve been listening to The Who a bit lately, on account of stealing my parents’ copy of Tommy and going “what the fuck? this doesn’t sound like the one in Almost Famous!” because they’ve got the big orchestral version, but Lisa put me right with her different copy. I feel it’s important to tell you this. But back to the recap. Her boobs look faaaaaaake, and while that might be fine for the Pussy Cat Dolls, it’s just not rock’n roll to me. And I don’t like the way she swallows the word ‘pinball’, because that’s the whole point of the song so she should emphasize it more. But it’s okay.

Ryan – ‘Iris’ by the Goo Goo Dolls: I know someone who tried out for Rockstar in Auckland, who will remain nameless because he swore me to secrecy over the fact that this was his audition song, but I laughed a lot then and I laughed a lot when this guy sang too. Not impressed with the song, not impressed with Ryan. But now I’ve pretty much forgotten him.

Toby – ‘Knocking on Heaven’s Door’: Toby is Australian, so cue many cringy “G’day mate” type comments from Tommy. Toby’s performance is accoustic, and it’s pretty good, although I’m not a fan of this song. Given the GNR cover, Toby must have some balls to play this in front of Gilby, as is noted. Oh, and I liked the cross-legged sitting thing too. What the hell is wrong with me? Maybe I spent too long in Japan.

Patrice – ‘Somebody to love’ by Jefferson Airplane: I dig on this song an awful lot, so despite Patrice’s tacky string top, this is possibly my favourite performance of the night.

Magni – ‘Satisfaction’ by the Rolling Stones’: When Magni introduces himself as one of the top 10 most recognisable singers in Iceland, I start on a path of “aren’t there only 100,000 people there anyway?” chain of thoughts in my head, and start wondering if he’s the lead singer in the Rasmus, and then I remember that they’re from Finland, and then I think that maybe he’s in HIM but they’re also from Finland, and then I think that maybe he’s from Sigur Ros and that thought makes me laugh and laugh, but not too much to notice that he’s got an awesome voice, but seriously dude, stop big-upping yourself cos you’re a fucking looooooooser. And also a tighter as well. Heh.

Zayra – ‘Bring me to life’ by Evanescense: I was making popcorn when she did her piece to camera, so did I miss something – is she like, from a wacky foreign language speaking country? And is Dave Navarro? Wacky. You know that I secretly love people on Idol singing Evanescense, but why for the love of god when you could do any song in the world cos you’re not appealling so much to the 8 year old audience would you pick this monstrostity? Especially when she can’t even hit the notes and sounds out of breath? And isn’t Jason already married when he asks her to marry him?

At this point I’d like to ask you how many of the girls Tommy’s already slept with.

Jenny – ‘How you remind me’ by the ugliest band in the world: Note to Jenny: it’s a good idea to wear a skirt that’s longer than your guitar, if you want to be taken seriously. Now I feel bad because I’m just criticising the girls’ wardrobes and not the boys’, and where has the girl power in me gone? After all, I hate this song so passionately that I should want to bludgeon every man in the world to death with his own foot just in case he turns out to be Chad Kruger. Stupid Canadians from Canadia.

Josh – ‘She Talks to Angels’ by the Black Crows: When Josh wears his cap he looks like JD and when he sings he sounds like Maroon 5. What a winning combination. I don’t think he really has any idea what soul is.

Matt – ‘Yellow’ by Coldplay: hey, who said Michael Murphy would never get anywhere in life? Look at him all up there on stage. Aww. Guys called Matt don’t live in the real world. I don’t anticipate this guy being around all that long. However, he’s one of few people to sing any kind of contemporary song, and that worked out pretty well for Marty Casey, as you may recall…

Dilana – ‘Lithium’ by Nirvana: I’m pretty much not that keen on anyone who starts out whining about their hardluck stories, and I texted Anji going “Didn’t Jordis fucking ROCK at this song? Why would she do it?” and I’m a little bit like “oh please, you’re so unnatural” as Dilana stands there looking all Intense And Brooding And Powerful ™. But then I realised that hey, she looks just like Angry Ginger Spice and I’m a little more liking of her.

Dana – ‘The Only One’ by Melissa Etheridge: And again with the doubling up of songs! I can’t remember the name of the Rockstar wannabe who sang this last year, except that she was blonde and wearing brown suede pants and she did it pretty well. Dana interviews about being a good sweet southern girl, and I bet that Tommy Lee’s already busting out his rophys.

Phil – ‘Cult of Personality’ by Living Colour: NO NO NO NO NO! Why the FUCK would he pick this song? Ty sang this, and when Ty was on, he was on. It was definitely a stand-out performance, so I can’t understand why Phil would think we’d forgotten that and wouldn’t compare. I mean, it’s not like Phil’s even trying to play the token black card by picking token black songs. Anji texts that he looks like Jarvis Cocker. This really is not good.

Jill – ‘Piece of my heart’ by Janis Joplin’: Jill is apparently 4’11, and she looks haaaaaaaaggard, like she’s 45 at least and totally muttony. Plus she’s the same height as Dave Navarro, right? She looks like Shakira, and shakes like Shakira, but she sings pretty well. I don’t think she’s a rockstar, but I bet she makes karaoke nights on Long Island more interesting.

chris – ‘Roxanne’ by the Police: Chris is wearing reaaaaally nice tight black pants, but the striped shirt and tie are a little too Anthony Kiedas for my liking. Plus he makes what’s actually an awesome song despite it being by Sting really incredibly bland. It’s like 48 May boiled down into a one-man flavourless jus. It’s nice to see someone being told that they sucked after all the heaping praises.

Lucas – ‘Rebel Yell’ by Billy Idol: Oh how I want to hate Lucas with his stupid white tuxedo jacket and make-up and his “I live on the streets, maaaaaan”, cos isn’t that what JD said, but then it’s so synthy, and you can’t even understand half of what he’s singing, but I don’t care, because it’s fun and it’s a performance and so it was a good note to end on.

Who’s going to go? Chris or Phil, I’d say. Fingers crossed. No one deserved my 99 cents on a text. There was no one that I instantly loved like Jordis. But then again, Marty made me cry twice last year and I didn’t like him at all at first, so we’ll see how it goes. Good times.

Now give me your thoughts and feelings, please…