Hubris.co.nz

Tuesday June 18th

Because it’s all about loot, and because you may be interested, and now I’m actually sober (last night was crazy), I will write you a list of what I got for my birthday, in the semi chronological order that I received things.

When I was just on my way out to work yesterday morning, I spotted a large parcel and poster roll sitting in the lounge that had been sent up from Wellington, and even though I knew I was running late, I took a little time to open a few of the things inside, which were:

• A poster of Antartica from Karen, with bears drawn all over it in various different styles, which was obviously a collaborative effort on the part of the good people at Unity Books in Wellington (after all, my height is measured on their door).
• One of the parcels in the big box was “Manufactoring Consent” by Chomsky from my parents
• The other thing I opened was a MUFF that Karen made from me, along with a long list of muff ettiquite. Fuck, I so can’t spell that. You know what I mean though. It’s all soft and brown and furry and has a bear face on one side. Hehehe. I like bears. She also gave me a can labeled “Batted Salmon” which on closer inspection is actually tuna. I like injokes. This is my muff:

Then I had to run away to work and I found out that Teri had broken her ass. Heh. I know I shouldn’t laugh, but she laughed at me when I told her the catching on fire story:

All day today I have been wearing my pajamas, cos I haven’t had a pj day in aaaages, and I really love my pajama top – it used to be my grandfather’s, and it just looks really good on me and it’s actually probably one of the bestly seductive items in my wardrobe. Anyways, this evening I was cooking dinner, and I leant over the stove to stir something on the back element when WHOOSH! My pajama top caught fire. I started screaming immediately, of course, and freaked out, but luckily, I had the good sense to pull it straight off and dump it in the sink. Then I stood in my slip and pj bottoms in the kitchen for ages laughing hysterically. So much for thinking it was a cotton top.

Bopha and Leo heard me screaming but they thought I was some random street person. Typical. Things could have been a lot worse, because the slip under my pj top is completely synthetic too. The way things are now, the bottom of my pj top is just charred and missing a chunk. Maybe once it dries out, I will consider whether or not it is still wearable.

Apparently Bridget was even gonna bake me a cake but she just didn’t. I did have a piece of someone else’s cake though. Actually, I haven’t had a birthday cake since my 17th birthday. Sigh. Anyways. Also at work I managed to finally finish my very first article and put it online. I’d give you the link but then you’d know where I work (because it’s SO hard to figure out right now).

Anyways, finally I managed to get home and open the rest of my presents, and this is what I got:

• ‘Chemistry’ from my parents, which is a NZ book about a drug addict with kidney stones who goes to live in Timaru. I’m presuming Karen chose it and it will therefore be good.
• A 3M ergonomic mouse, which wouldn’t run off the proper port for some reason, but luckily it works off USB as well.
• Some bodylotiony stuff which I initially suspected Neil had just got at a hotel he’d stayed in.
• A jar of Mole sauce they got me in Mexico. There’s an accent or soemthing somewhere in there, it’s not actually potted rodent. I hope.
• A weird purple pen which just perplexed me, but apparently it doubles as a screen cleaner. Mum said on the phone that she felt like she had to get me something that wasn’t on my wishlist. (And of course I’m still going to put the link in to that, it’s never too late to buy me presents!)
• A book called “The 13 and a half lives of Captain Bluebear” from Karen. There are precious few books about bears at Unity. It looks good though.

And then after that, eventually Bopha and I went to Caravan Serai to meet up with everyone else, and this is the rest of the loot that I got:

• A Virtual Fireplace video from JeremyO and Renee. I put it on today and it was strangely mesmerizing and made me feel warm.
• Bright lime sheets from KateH and Maree, and also some body glitter. I’d actually been thinking I should buy new bed linen just hte other day when I saw it advertised but I physically restrained myself.
• A pez dispenser from James. It has a lion on it, but we all initially thought it was a bear.
• A big bunch of flowers and a book called ummm hmm crap, I forget and it’s in the lounge and I’m lazy from KateM. I’ve previously seen her sobbing over it before, so I’m not sure what she’s trying to do to me, but I’m looking forward to reading it. Plus, that’s like the 5th time ever in my life anyone’s given me flowers, so that was exciting. I am so spoiled!

The best present of all, which was the guy finally listening to me yelling and finally working up the nerve to come into the women’s toilets to go and get me someone to give me a screw driver so I could get the fuck out after I got locked in the toilets by a broken lock. Apparently everyone was like “where’s Jo?” cos i’d been gone fifteen minutes but they all thought I was just talking on my cellphone. Of course, if I’d had my cellphone withme, I would have fucking called them! Grr.

Anyways, so that was last night, or the dinner part of it anywyas – I hope I didn’t forget anything. Afterwards, Bopha and I sat around being dicks at home smoking cigars and basically being looney. Today we went out for lunch at Fire&Earth and she told me that she’d kidnapped my cellphone the night before and sent out text messages to various people trying to get gossip but since no one replied I can only presume that she fucked up and nothing went out. Phew.

Oh! Exciting news! I saw Marion in the downstairs apartment when I went to ask the builder to move his car so I could get mine out and apparently, I’m getting carpet tomorrow or the day after! Wahoo! Six months later.Tonight I watched a two hour doco on Robbie Williams. I don’t want a webpage anymore, I want a documentary done on me please. It’d be great. Plus, I think my dad is smoking crack. This is the email he sent me yesterday:

Hello Joanna It’s a long time since I saw you pop out, but you’re still my little baby. All the best for the day, that’s probably pretty well past, at your end. Here I sit in Singapore, waiting to go and sell people on the idea of electronic certification. What some peole will do for a living, eh? (Call it “living”?) Anyway, better do some work. Happy birthday, in case you missed the rerefence, Yer ole man

Actually, that’s kinda cute isn’t it?

Right, maybe I should go and try to sleep now, either that or read through my IMC notes. I’m a little annoyed with myself for my lack of study, but you see the thing is that I only need 9/50 to pass the paper. Sure, yes, I could aim high, but I guess it seems to me that there’s not really any point unless I was going to get the top score out of everyone, which I’m not going to, so why put in all the extra effort? It’s like “a C is a degree” and all again. Even if I am a ‘mature student’ now. Then again, I can probably pull marketing out of my ass quite well. And I have til Thursday morning anyways. Hopefully I can get my massage after that. I’m freaked out about my wrists and hands though.

My eyes hurt, so I probably should go to bed sometime. I’m in Wellington. We have a massive looming Xmas tree and funny lights. There are big parcels for me under it which I have fondled and am still confused by. The house is all clean. It’s cool.

I had SUCH a nice drive down today, all lovely sunshine and little traffic. I sang and smiled, young, fabulous and free. I listened to Kiss FM for 2 hours whilst in the Taupo vicinity because Jarrod was dj’ing on it. Innnnnnteresting music selection going on there, Fur Patrol one minue and Meatloaf the next. Oh and speaking of Fur Patrol, how fucking cool is it that they’re the Xmas number one in NZ? So fucking cool. The Xmas number one in the UK is probably “Bob the Builder” which I heard on the simulcast of Top of the Pops somewhere in the Manawatu. Eminemem played “Stan” on Top of the Pops as well, but he was strangely cut off before the last two verses. What a suprise.

My father’s trying to tell me that Robbie Williams is gay. As if.

I got a text message today from an unknown number saying “Are your nipples errect?” . I was a little confused, but unsuprised. When I rang the number back, the answering machine said it was Kate, and later i talked to the Bentons to confirm that it was indeed Kate B. So I sent her back a message that said “yes and I’m all wet and ready for you”. She hasn’t replied.

My cat Pixie is sitting on top of the largest present for me. It’s a bigass box, but I bet it’s just a cd with a lot of newspaper around it. I love Xmas pressies. I have to go shopping tomorrow though, which will be a mare.

Simon’s not answering his phone. We still have nowhere to stay in Taupo. No room at the Inn. I guess I’ll just give birth in a manger instead. Hayley never knows who I am when I phone her. Brad rang me today to ask where the axe is. He also emailed me some addresses for home&away related sites. I like this one – http://www.alfstewart.cjb.net/. Stone the flamin’ crows, Ails, you build a website and then those bloody yahoos come in with their caps on backwards and just smash the place up.

My belly hurts too. I should go, although it’s been great having a yarn with you. Oh wait hang on, what are you getting me for Xmas? This is what I would like:

• A nokia 3210/3310
• Bed linen! Queen size duvet covers, and make sure they’re pretty
• Makeup – ‘Juliet’ coloured Poppy eyeshadow, or anything Napolean, or any kinda lip gloss at all
• Money or vouchers
• CDs: ‘Kid A’ Radiohead, ‘Pet’ Fur Patrol or ‘The Altruist’ (or is it ‘Altruism’?) DLT.
• Lamps, pillows and candles (I wanna live in a harem)
• Alcohmahol or illict substances
• Art works – not movie posters
• Handbags (cos you can never have enough)
• a digital camera
• a cd burner
• a trip to Melbourne/Sydney

Thank you. I will give you my postal address on request. Oh and one last thing – my sister Karen wrote this tonight.

Me (in bear mask)”roaaaaar!” Kara: “eeek!” Me:”Sorry, I didn’t mean to score you. I mean, scare you”

Monday August 28th, 2000

Brad wrote on the whiteboard this morning “You did it all for the nookie!!! – did he sign a pre-nup first?” I voted against him for that, and then gave myself a vote too for good measure. There’s something very sordid about still being up drinking when flatmates get up to go to tech.

Around 8am, I got out of bed and went and jumped in bed with Kate, but she was just getting up so I couldn’t sleep there. Instead, I ate m&ms while she smoked her morning cigarette, and freaked her out because I’d had no sleep and was on an over-tired sugar rush, whereas she was very slow and fragile. She made me come to town with her in my pajamas, after I crept into my room for sunglasses and a bandana. I just sat in the car so she could doublepark to drop off her library books though, it wasn’t a major journey. Then we came home and she went back to bed – they were desk copy books so she had to have them back early. I was sugarhigh, so I washed the dishes and then flicked between infomercials and children’s television. It was kinda disturbing, because I found myself talking to the television more than I usually do – “yeah, it’s always a real pain for me having to push the bristle button on the vacuum cleaner” and of course agreeing with the monsters on Seaseme Street. I’m not a morning person. But it was fantastic to get to watch re-runs of Shortland Street.

Mmm, new placebo album.

Eventually I got bored with housework, so I went back to my room and turned my stereo on real loud and kicked someone out for not believing me when I said that I was going to marry Robbie Williams. Then I did some fun exciting tech work. I have to go in at 8am tomorrow, which will be so unfun. Kate’s got to do her seminar then as well so at least I won’t be alone. I think I will sleep very well tonight, guilt aside, although I did have a luscious nap this afternoon after eating Wendys. Mmmm hangover food.

Oh, it looks like Kara AND Kate M are both staying over tonight. Honestly, where have the collective morals of this flat gone? I mean, we endevour to eat more vegetables and spend quality time with each other, but I don’t think that’s enough, eh. Somehow I’m making the invites for Trudie’s 21st now as well. Well, not “somehow” – I know exactly how it happened – she asked and I said yes. I guess it’s all experience. I’m supposed to be doing a webpage for Momma, once she gets around to getting her content in order. I had this really horrible dream the other night that I had some kind of weird Cot Death kinda condition going on that meant I could die at any minute. Mum and Neil were going to take me to the hospital, but I stopped to shave my legs first. I was wearing my orange static tshirt and a green skirt, which just wasn’t a good look. But I was really glad that I had a chance to say goodbye to Neil before I went. I woke up before I got to the hospital, so I guess I’ll never know if I would have died or not. Hopefully not, cos dying in your dreams is some horrible shit right there.

You know, talking to Brad today, it occured to me that this isn’t my journal anymore. It’s ceased to be about me, and is now basically entirely about the Garland Gang as a whole. That’s okay though, I can just keep me inside my head instead. <!– and most of the time I seem so nasty that that’s probably the best place for me –> Hmmm, I just set my alarm for 6am, so that I can make it into town by 8am (I get out of bed and reset it for another half hour of sleep or so, and then maybe another half hour). That scares me muchly. I’m very not a morning person. Good England there, Joanna. When Kate and I were watching Rikki today (“My first interracial date”) I kept yelling at ads for using incomplete sentences. I think I’m wasted in my chosen field, eh. I should go work in some private British school, where I get to yell at children all day long and cane them for doing wrong. I should be somewhere very far away from all the crappy television I watch anyways. Although it was the wedding episode on Home and Away today, and didn’t Sally just look lovely? Lay one on me, Steveo!

I tripped over Kate’s real solid cloglike shoes before, and managed to knock them up so that they wacked me on that strange bone that sticks out of your ankle. Oww, oww oww oww! There’s a visable bruise from that now.

I’m sure Maree won’t mind me quoting her:

“Robbie, robbie, i pine for you singing right now on the North Shore. Oh jo, how could this happen to us, how could we not be there? i think this is our rex manning day, except that we don’t actually get to meet him (by the way, I’m Gina and you’re Cory). “

This page is supposed to look kinda like my sari, but it doesn’t really. I can’t do it justice. It is so so fucking cool. I love it big lots. Even if it is a pain to wear.

Oh, do you know what else I love? Peter! Or um, more specifically, the fact that he gave me the Macy Gray cd.

I got so many cool pressies today, I’m just so completely spoiled, and it’s great. I’ve had such a fully primo day. Yes indeedy. My feet ache like motherfuckers though from dancing.

Shirley’s party was soooo choice, apart from the facthtat I had to keep running off to the bathroom to retie my sari cos layers of it were drooping. Oh the things we do to look so damn good.

I made my speech, and everyone laughed at all the right times, and everyone said ti was really good, so that made me happy. I felt bad cos no one made a speech for Evelyn, but what could I do? I don’t really know her.

Shirley was looking very very good in a tight skirt and bodice. We were all stunned. Sacha had to ask which one was Shirley, because she looked more like Evelyn.

Oh oh, I talked to Bourke! I was so stoked, cos he completely remembered me, although it’s been like two years. We were talking for ages, just instantly clicking again. I could see Maree and Kate M in a corner, and I KNEW they were going “Jo’s SO in” and I just felt bad, because I wasn’t. Sigh. Why do boys have to like boys? Why can’t they just like, snog and stuff for show, but really prefer girls? I think that’s a brilliant idea. I laughed when I saw Shirley talking to Kate M and Maree explaining. But he gladhanded me later, and gave me the sauciest wink. Cock tease!

When I first met Bourke, I thought he was an absolute god – he’s Dutch for gods sakes! So I went to a party with him and Shirley once, and I told Shirley I wanted him, and she was like “go for it, go on! I’m sure he’d be keen”. And of course, he chose that night to come out to her! D’oh! And of course, what made it worse was that she still told him I wanted him, and he was like “I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry” and I was like “don’t apologise silly”. And then he was like teasing me going “can you convert me?” and he was all close and stuff, and of course, Shirley was like “OI!” Well, it made for an interesting story, anyways!

I’ve decided that Derek is the closest thing to Robbie Williams I will ever get. Sigh. He’s still very entertaining though, just too short.

What else? Dancing was lots and lots of fun, apart from the slipping sari. Andrew was talking to me, and he goes “your hair looks really cool” and I was like “are you mocking me?” cos Brad and Maree have been hassling me for ages going “your hair is choice” ala Ben, but no, apparently Andy was genuine, and I think I slightly offended him, poor lad. Trudie and Dee gave me a “grow your own crystal” set. I got all these sciency gifts, it’s odd. Cool though.

Maree and I got a taxi home together, and the driver was Indian. We were chatting, and he was like “that’s crazy, what you are wearing” so I was like “pardon? you mean my skirt?” and he was like “yeah, what do you call it?”. I said it was a sari, but I was wearing it like a skirt because I didn’t know the traditional way to wear it, and I just loved the colours. He agreed that they were spectacular, adn when I added that Maree had given it to me, he had to agree.

Fuck this cd rocks. I need new music, all my old stuff is too associated now. Actually, I’m doing pretty well with Travis, cos there’s only like one line in the whole album that makes me think of stuff (“all I wanted is a chance to say I would like to see you in the morning – rolling over just to have you there will make it easy for a little bit longer”), so that’s nifty AND they’re playing here in July, Wahoo!

So yeah, stuff si all good, apart from the fact that I’m up at 2.30am and I’m still not packed. Dammit, i suck. Must… go… to…bed…must…get…up…in…seven..hours

Oh yeah, clayton and brad gave me these:

My boys rock

Bye bye, see youse guys in like 2 weeks or somefink.

A pinch and a punch and a damn good thrashing for the first of the month.

Brad Clay and I hung out together tonight and wrote a list of what we’re looking for in our new flatmate. Here’s the list, copied out exactly from the Bible:

• Sky TV (digital)
• Cook us breakfast in the weekend
• they must have a ‘role’ ie: bring home videos etc
• with own wok and cooking skills
• not be an Internet nerd (but internet gf/bf is okay if we get Randell)
• MUST like pop music, dancing, Dawson’s Creek
• able to clean up after themselves but not be like Bob Saget
• must not be Bob Saget
• we shouldn’t want to shag them, because as we all know you must never ever screw the crew Joanna, but they should have cute friends
• have a cellphone (not really)
• have a party trick, a certain “gene se qua, what the french call…..”
• must have a job benificial to the flat (ie bakery products!)
• would help if they were Robbie Williams (but not essential)
• NOT a 1st year preferably, our age
• have flatted before, must be able to tell us why they left their last flat
• have a waffle iron
• must think someone wearing an animal suit is funny
• fix-it type
• does not steal street signs
• two dining chairs
• not a star-fucker
• “media savvy”
• who will hang out with us (but not clingy)
• puff the magic dragon what?
• go on a flat mission
• survive a month without us
• be an initiator

My daddy came to see me tonihgt cos he’s in Auckland escorting around a bunch of Taiwanese, who NZ trades with but won’t recognize as a seperate nation. Go figure. Anyways, I served him tea and cake, and felt ever so grown up.