Hubris.co.nz

Monday 28th This is what happened yesterday, and it’s not quite the full story cos I’m not quite ready to go there, because, sweet fuck, there’s a lot of explaining I have to do, but here’s part of it anyways. And if you wonder why I’m only ever writing bad shit these days, that’s because mostly, that’s all there is. And yes, I am taking steps to change things. We were hungover, we’d been watching Anne of Green Gables and eighties movies and other such stuff, and KateB wanted us to watch The Very Brady Sequel, and I had my doubts, so when our other friend suggested we have a smoke, I was very willing. After all, this was supposed to be my last weekend of drinking and so forth. The pot was strong, really strong, and my head started spinning very quickly, and I coughed a lot. KateH rang and I couldn’t string together a sentence. The characters in the movie seemed to be walking around in front of cardboard, and of course, because it’s a remake I wasn’t sure if they were the real Bradys or not. It kinda seemed like they were all laughing at me, and I felt really fucking strange. The other girls didn’t seem to notice it at all. I said “fuck” a lot as the room started spinning, and all of a sudden, the walls were melting into each other. I tried lying down, and that made it worse. I sat up, and it was worser. My vision seemed to have about a thousand layers to it, so I ripped off my glasses and my eyes cleared for a second, and then clouded again. Because the other two were so quiet, I began to suspect that they’d laced the pot with something, and I asked them again and again if they had and they denied it. I couldn’t breath, and I knew that I was having a panic attack, but then my whole body felt strange, like it was seizing up, and they wouldn’t help me, they didn’t think that anything was wrong with me, and they were ignoring me. I realised Bo was asleep in the next room and I knew then that she’d take care of me, she’d make it okay, she’d make it go away. In her room, I lay down on her bed with her and tried to tell her what was going on, but my legs kept twitching, and I was overwhelmed with this massive massive fear, and I just couldn’t communicate what was going on with me. She reminded me to keep breathing, and stroked my arm, and said I could stay with her for as long as I needed. I figured that maybe the pot was reacting with my meds, but then I realised that I’m not actually on any, so then I decided that maybe it was kicking back in the half trip I took in Wellington, although that was just a warm happy speedy smile trip at the time. My whole body was twitching involuntarily, so I thought maybe I was cold and got under the covers, but it kept going, and I was afraid to open my eyes in case of what I might see. Bo told me not to focus on the fact that Iw as having a bad trip, which of course meant that I could hardly think about anything else, except for the fact that i always end up dumping on her, and she has problems of her own. She tried to get me to keep drinking water, because I was getting dehydrated, but I couldn’t, because my breathing was too erratic, and because the water felt too weird sliding down my throat. Parts of my body would feel like they weren’t there anymore, so I’d reach to touch them and other parts would disappear. I tried to keep my hand on my stomach, so that I could concentrate on my breathing, but sometimes I couldn’t feel it. She told me that as I inhaled, I should feel like I was getting in goodness from the world, and as I exhaled that I was getting rid of the bad vibe, and I could visualise it very clearly. I asked Bo to keep talking to me for as long as she could, because she was calming, but at the same time, all conversation semeed like a strain. I just wanted to hear about puppies and kittens and soft things like that that can’t harm. She fetched my teddybear for me, talking while she left the room so that I wouldn’t be too scared. I was a fucking basketcase. All I could do was try to ride out the trip in the fetal position. I wanted something to sedate me, hospital styles, but I also thought that would be even more traumatic. I was just so afraid that I was permanently fried, what with the physical shakes, and the vision and the all that crap. Eventually Bo fell asleep, despite my constant twitchings, and I guess I dozed in and out. I woke up at one stage and felt totally blissfully happy, while being still rather shaken, and then went back to sleep until I woke up again, feeling normal, so I went to sleep in my own bed again. Dawn was breaking. I dunno if I’ve managed to convey the absolute fucking terror that i felt throughout the whole experience or not, but it was probably the scaredest that I have ever been. To be so completely out of control – the fact is that all I had taken was a little pot, which I had expected to just make me able to laugh at the Brady Bunch movie – to go from there to fearing that my friends were trying to fuck me up, and that the walls were melting, adn that I would be in a permanent state of fuckedupness, like my body had been infected with a computer virus like Pig in The Ecstasy Club, to be afraid to call Tom in case he made me feel crazier when I’m so used to calling him so he can talk me down from drunken misery styles – it was FUCKED UP. And I’m not going to be doing drugs again. I’m so fucking glad Bo was there – I have no idea what I would have done otherwise. Today I went and bought her assorted Cranberry paraphanalia (cran & blueberry juice, craisins and cranberry cracker sauce) but that’s just sheer tokenism. I still feel pretty fucking shakey though, and I’m so fucking tired of being damaged.

Friday August 16th

Okay, so I’m more than a little busy right now. One sentence summaries for each day that I can remember:
Wednesday: client meeting then back home to bed with food poisoning and evil migraine to bliss out on codeiene and the rest of “American Gods”
Thursday: meetings, work, essay essay essay essay (til 2am)
Friday: up at 7am to finish essay, take it to tech and then run to work, where I worked fucking hard on complicated projects that require responsibility all day and still managed to add two pages to my zine, then home to KateH and fetafettucine and “Beat Street” – a brilliant movie to watch except on the wacky smoke like I was you may just end up screaming, and then I did a whole bunch’o ironing.

I’m going to The’Tane tomorrow to see Bradley and dress up like a princess, YAY. Ni ni.

Friday August 2nd

Okay, so before i fall out of my chair and pass out on the floor, here’s the story – here’s the correct deal that any’o you could have just got out of me by simply asking, and here’s my interpretation of what happened. You know how a couple’o days ago I cut Justin off my Xmas Card List (this is not an actual thing in existence, it’s purely a metaphorical creation)? And if you know that, you know it’s of course because he had drinks last friday and didn’t invite me, not even when I texted him that day and asked him waht he was up to and he didn’t reply and as both a Gemini and a Communications student, nothing pisses me off more than peoplke who don’t reply to txts? Well anyways, I heard from sources about his party, of course, because um, hi, do you know know by now that that’s the way girls work? But anyways. So I figured he hadn’t invited me to his party cos he thought I’d mack on all his friends (and so maybe there’s some degree of truth to that) and then when I found out that the last friend’o his that I shagged was back with his ex girlfriend that he was with before he shagged me (but not while he shagged me, nor for any immediate period before then, thank you very much) and I figured maybe Justin thought I’d like, embarrass that boy or something so he just wouldn’t invite me outta decency. And of course, there were also “maybe Justin just flat out hates me” thoughts but they didn’t last very long. But anyways, then tonight me and Maz and Bo were in the cab on the way to KateH’s party, and Maz was like “not to give you a complex or anything, Jo…” and she told me that Justin had been all hesitant to tell them that the boy was back with his ex and stuff, and they were all worried about telling me and I was all “WHAT THE FUCK???? If i had been after him in any way, I ouldn’t have left while he was sleeping plus I woulda put my number in the note I stuck in his letterbox after! AAAARGH I don’t fancy him, I just have a guilty conscience!” and Maz was liek “yeah that’s what we told Justin” and Iw as like aaaaaaaargh I don’t LIKE the boy, I just gave him a lotta mind time cos I thought he was a sweetie and I wondered if I shoulda got to know him better, and Maz and Bo were like “don’t do this, don’t get a complex” and I was like “i’m not!” but anyways, as soon as Justin showed up at the party I was liek “oi you! and I gave him an earfull and he was like “Ummm?” and said that what had actually happened was that when I sent him the text on friday, he actually received it while he was in a car with the boy in question and was like “oh, is it okay if I invite Jo tonight?” and the boy started freaking out and continued to do so for three days, cos like I think we first said, he’s just back with his girlfriend, and somehow I very much doubt that she knows about him fucking me like I was a pornstar in the middle of it. So yeah, Justin and I cleared all that up. I am a little hurt though, that they could think I’d be so unsubtle or anything like that to cause a ruckus – I’d only do that to people I don’t respect, and i do very much respect thsi boy, because like I’m sure I have said before, he was probably the nicest boy I’ve ever been to bed with, even if we didn’t actually have a Connection (and this is not a diss on you; I’m sure you wouldn’t call yourself ‘Nice’). And anyways, the boy ended up showing up at the party and I watched him in the hallway for a little bit, trying to be discreet in checking him out and thought “hmmm, he actually IS really cute and actually DOES look like Milan” and then later when I walked past him I said hey, and he said hey, and it was all cool. So yeah, that was the drama and scandel. did you manage to follow ANY of that? I don’t care if you didn’t; I’m quite happily quite stoned.

Today was 9-5 at work, which is always difficult, especially since Terri had started at 7am, which meant she left at 3pm, so Bridget and I were left going “ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm” all afternoon. But I did do an interview AND write a profile today, plus now I can tell you all about the causes of hydronatraemia and who of you else can claim that? I also went to ask the HR lady about the job I’m applying for, and was liek “oh, right, good, I do have the right person – I’m terrible with names and faces”. Nice one Joanna, way to apply for PR jobs. Really, no, seriously, excellent way to influence people is by pointign out your foibles.

Hmm, foibles, does this mean that i have to talk about those godawful muppets taht I had to talk to for like half an hour who kept referring to me as a crackwhore cos Clay and Bobobo did? I hope not. In fact, I know not, cos like, I so would like to go and jump into bed where it’s real nice and warm. well actually, it’s probably cold in my bed, goddamit I need an army of flying monkeys to make me a hottie and find me some socks adn all taht stuff. Where were we? I’m just like, all OH MY GOD THERE’S BETH ORTON ON THIS MP3 cd. And that kinda thing. Something about Mazzy being hot in her hot little red dress even though sips of her bourbon remind me of *III, or even the massive quantities of bourbon I would drink with him because it was part’o the whole fucktoy/rockbottom process. And definately something about how fucking choice KateH is, and how she looked reaaaaaally hot and flamenco tonight, and also what a pleasure it was to finally meet this Amy that I’ve heard so much about. Ummm other things – like, who the fuck actually drinks Creaming Soda? And Jezza going on a massive hunt to find a lighter, and then us smoking around the picnic table in KateH’s backyard and me feeling unspeakably guilty for doing so, and then being back in her kitchen where I spent the night going “OH MY GOD” cos Like, everyone fucking knew my name and could tell me where they’d met me before and what conversation we’d had, and that always makes me real para, and then I spotted that boy in the hallway and I had to point him out to Clay and clay was like “he’s real cute and hot” and I was like oh my god please hurry up and come out and dump your girlfriend.

Dear lord, there should be some more paragraph segmentation here, surely. Other things’o note? Bopha kept calling em a crackwhore, and okay, so maybe the stripper story was case and point, but THAT’S IT. At the start’o KateH’s party, we just sat in a corner going “grrr” at each other and wondering what would happen if she went and sat on people’s laps and said “chicachehooo” at them. I love Bo. And umm, oh I talked to this boy that I’d thought was kinda ncie and well dressed and good looking and nice to me and laughs at my jokes and stuff so I’d kinda thought “hmm maybe” about, but it was too hard to sustain a conversation, and plus, I think I’d decided this week that I was really into this other boy and yeah, so like, that’d be cool and shit, except he was supposed to come but he didn’t. Still, I think that there was like, enough scandal and mania going on anyways, and you don’t even know the half of it. Also, my eyeshadow looks fuckign kickass today, as does the rest of me.

Okay man, like, $3.25 in coins and head to whomever brings me salted snacks first. It was just one joint, motherfucker! It shouldn’t show up under all this beer. Jezza and Nae are real funny when they’re stoned though. That’s all I have to say. Tomorrow I may or may not get a network and Sunday I gotta do coursework, so that’s ass sucking, but like, only figuratively and only on Sunday, cos like, how fucking 2000 are you?

These are highlights from my journal that I kept in my red book in Australia. Obviously, it’s not everything. I was doing a whole bunch of thinking, and no one needs to read all of that. But these are the entertaining highlight parts.

Wednesday 21/6/00 , 2000

Again, Anji had to work early, so I stayed in bed. Either today or tomorrow, I had really crazy odd dreams. In the first one, I was like the receptionist at a brothel operating out of a school. In the second, I had me a big bag’o heroin that basically looked like kava powder, all brown like. I remember Anji was telling me not to touch it, yet I was snorting it off my little finger. Being on heroin was really dreamy. I was dumb though, and drove my car home, absolutely fucked up. But yeah, it was just a dream.

Another cruisy morning around the house by myself. I just wish that my bed was more comfortable! Around 3, I got my shit together, and headed off to Brunswick Street. I wal,ked leisurely down it, aking time to go into lots and lots of shops on the left hand side of the road. I had another brilliant coffee at Atomica, and another brilliant sandwich. They were playing Che Fu – Anji says it’s owned by New Zealanders. They sell a coffee blend called ‘Aoteraroa’ which is apparently Coffee Supreme – the same stuff they use at Olive.

I went back to the cyber cafe also, to find a nice long email from Maree. Apparently Kate Benton has moved in. Yay! That was very very exciting news. I find it amusing especially that it took Maree to tell me. I sms’d her to tell her I was emailing her, and lo and behold, she wrote me back straight away. She’d been watching Full House. Heh!

Eventually I met up with Anji at Joe’s, and had a drink. Then she and I went to meet her friend Leila and this other chick at a pub called the Punter. I got a trifle bored, cos they talked nonstop about work. Eventually we left and Anji and I went to a restaurant called Retro for dinner. It was really cool – old formica tables, mismatched chairs and tea towels as serviettes. I had linguine with tomato, bacon, basil and parmesan, which was yummy – not quite the creamy pasta I was craving, but close enough. Anji had a thai beef salad and we shared a bottle of red (for a change) We got cake takeout from Joe’s on the way back home.

We rented and watched Plunkett and Macleane about highway men with Johnny Lee Miller (yum!) and Robert Carlyle. It was dumb, but entertaining. I want an 18th centuary breast-squishy dress! Then we watched Angel whilst smoking the ever present pot. My clothes reek of smoke. Must wash them before I hit customs.

June 2000 – Thursday 22nd

Okay, going back in time now (it’s actually Saturday). That’s okay though, cos I am actualyl pretty smart and I think I can follow my own diary. Hopefully anyways!

So yes, Thursday. It was raining and all horridible and grey, so I didn’t really want to leave the house. I played psx for a while, but couldn’t find Tekken, unfortunately. When I did eventually leave he house, it was with my hood up. I debated abut buying a tshirt with a picture of japanese girls taking photos on it, but i restrained myself.

Anji was watching people playing cards when I got to Joe’s. Her and Guy are no longer friends anymore, unfortunately. Appparently he wanted her, but when he got over that he was also over the friendship. Ahh life’s a beetch, isn’t it? Yes indeedy.

Anyways, I was really sick, and getting steadily sicker, a cold degenerating down into a cough. Still, we walked to Lygon Street to meet up with her friends – Boring Mark from Wellington, and Helen Preston from oldskool days. And maaaaaaaaan, were they boring! I mean, they’re very nice people, but so so boring! We went to dinner at some Italian restaurant that looked nice, but the food was very mediocre. I had fettucine with bacon, mushrooms, cream and pesto. It should have been hotter. The waiter kept filling up our wine glasses, which I don’t like because we’re all perfectly capable of doing that, and it sucks to be rushed. What was even worse was the speed with which they cleared our plates. Not impressed! Fuck I’m such a hospo snob!

After dinner we went to a bakery for coffee, lured in by all the goodies in the window. I had a florentine but it was too thick, and not buttery and cherryily like it should have been. Ahh well. Then we wnet to some comedy club by the Nova movie theatre. It was about 150% of the size of the Classic, and painted black. The tables were pushed together so it reminded me of Soup Plus. I went and threw up cos I felt sick, and was really disturbed by seen bits of blue plastic in the toilet bowl, until I figured they must have been from day/night capsuales.

The comedy was okay – the sets were too long though. We left after the MC and one act. I was sooo tired, you see. Taxi’d home. If I ever find a meellion dollars, I owe it ot the cab driver. Okay then! In bed, I read for ages Love in the time of Cholera. It’s amazing!

Friday June 23rd 2000

It’s been two weeks. I must say those two weeks have gone by amazingly fast. I hope the rest of the time from here to that elusive “Long Term” that i’m better off in goes by as quickly.

Anji didn’t start work until 12, so we’d discussed going shopping to get a pressie for Niel, but I was too tired, and feeling a little too sickly. But later I got off up and set off (got off indeed, Gary Glitter!) for Brunswick Street – for the last time.

For my first stop, I went to a shop called Fun that sells jewellary and accessories. I bought a pewter coloured lurex scarf that’s so cool it can stretch out to shawl size as well. I also bought some body glitter. I wanted to get Anji some flowers, and also something candle-y. So, i looked in lots of shops. I went back to Net Central, but had no new emails. Then I decided it was time for some food, but i had no idea where to eat. I investigated a couple of cafes, but nothing really appealed. Then I went into a place called The Fitz thinking it had counter food, but they didn’t. However, I felt kinda intimidated, so i stayed for coffee and a muffin. They served the muffin on a full sized dinner plate, dusted with icing sugar and a flower out of raspberry coulis, which seemed a little over the top. It was too hot, and I burnt my fingers on melted marshmallow. Other than that though, it was nice!

I finally managed to find Anji a little paper lantern candleholder, and I bought her a candle to go in it as well. The woman in the African store I went into was like “wow, yo’ve got so much hair” – and I didn’t know how to reply to that! Everyone kept trying to sell me poetr or their new novel and stuff – I just smiled and shook my head. I was in a brilliant mood! I stopped at this funky flower shop to combind electric-purple little flowers with orange daisy thingies – it was an unusual combination but I think it worked well! Then I went back home and had a lovely bath, languidly shaving my legs and stuff like that. Then I lay in bed for a couple o hours, reading the fabulous book and doing my nails. Just before six, Ange walked past the door and was like “oh, I didn’t know you were home – I’ll cut your hair now if you like”. Which, of course, I liked. So I wet my hair and went down to the kitchen. While Ange cut my hair, her and Rachael and this guy Richard were talking about the flat they’re going to move into probably – in a building called “The Max” (I must remember to tell Brad!). Richard was going to call his mother to do a tarot reading on the vibes of the place. They were also talking about how Ange gets energies off the poeple whose hair she is cutting, so she uses protection balms and washes her hands and the energies way after each person. Luckily I had my hair over my face so I didn’t have to smirk too much!

Later we drank red wine while waiting for everyone else to show up. Richard was playing the Coldcut cd, so I asked if he had gone to the gig and we had a good chat about free tickets and and rock bands and yadda yadda. Eventually Timmy surfaced and Anji came home with Lee, so we were just waiting for Mikey. He came home with a prompting phone call, in a car with two other chicks, so Rachael and Richard went with him, and the rest of us piled into Lee’s car. I am so stoked with my hair. It’s about 3 inches shorter, and just has so much more shape now. Which is good!

Mihn Mihn’s looked really full, but they found space for us upstairs – lucky cos there were 10 of us. It took aaaaaages for everyone to order – Anji and I got sweet&sour fish, and duck with plum sauce. Dishes all arrived at seperate times, which meant we all had to drink a lot to fill in time. I tried one of Racheal’s scallops, and it was really nice. Everything tasted so good, apart from Timmy’s cold rice paper rolls. If they’d been hot, it would have been scrumptious. The fish was exquisite. Unfortunately, the duck came last, by which time we were almost too ful. But of course, I managed to cram some in. Mmmmmmmm! The bill came to $13 each – so good!

Back home we went to open the last bottle of red, and smoke pot, as per usual. I went upstairs and promptly threw up. A lot. It’s a mark of how good the food was that it tasted almost as good going out as it did in! By that stage, I was quite quite drunk, and turning melencholy, almost crying in the darkness. I associate the taste of vomit very strongly with someone. More than anything, I wanted to make a call, but I knew it was past 2am in NZ, and that no one would answer the phone. I even wanted to leave a voicemail message, but somehow I restrained myself. It helped how drunk and cute Racheal and Ange were. They took lots of photos of us, in between kickboxing and telling stories that went nowhere. Eventually, Anji and I were both really tired, so we went upstairs and I finished “Love in the Time of Cholera” – awww such a sweet good book! Love CAN last 70 years!

These are highlights from my journal that I kept in my red book in Australia. Obviously, it’s not everything. I was doing a whole bunch of thinking, and no one needs to read all of that. But these are the entertaining highlight parts.

Monday, June 19th, 2000

I kept waking up all night and going back to sleep. Anji told me a couple of times to stop snoring. She herself was snoring too though! But anyways, yes, I woke up about 9am although that felt like 11am to me, which was good. Anji went out with Mike to get her hair dyed, so I stayed to potter around the house. I heated pizza under their funny grill, read Lolita and wrote in my journal. It feels a little more chore-like now to record everything, but I want records so I’ll have to get over that. Anji came home around 12.30 and showed me stacks and stacks of photos before we finally went for lunch.

We went to Atomic, because Anji said they had the best coffee. Fuck it was sooooooooo good. The place reminds us both of Olive – limited food selection, because the focus is on the perfect cup of coffee. But I had a cibatta sandwich anyways, with brie and advacado and salad and capsicums and mmmm it was yummy. Then we went to a net cafe, so Anji could check her email. I checked mine as well – I only7 had one from Jody, and sent a group SMS to Shirley, Maree, Popular Kate and Brad. I also showed Anji my cd rom. She’s threatened to chant “cunt cunt cunt” to me while I sleep so that I start to believe it.

We walked to a mall so Anji could pick up a shoe she was having fixed, and go to the movies. The place had purple carpet and walls, with gold painted pillars and screens – very swish. And the actual theatre had sparkly gold speakers and comfy seats with lots and lots of leg room. The movie we saw was pretty dumb, but kind of cute anywas. It was called Keeping the Faith and stared Ben Stiller as a rabbi, Edward Norton as a priest, and Jenna Elfman as the chick they were both in love with. Edward Norton – what a spunk, man! So it passed the time nicely.

After that, we walked home and sat around for a while before Anji decided she was hungry, so we went out for my birthday dinner. We just went to the end of Napier Street, so a place called “Growlers” that she said was extremely casual. Our waiter had blonde dreads and a cigarette tucked behind his ear. He dropped a hunk of bread with a knife stuck in it onto our table, which was to be drizzled with olive oil and devoured. There was also a small bowl of olives which I steadily made my way through. Yum! I never used to like olives, until one time I had them on pizza with pineapple at Craccum whilst very very stoned, and that seemed to be a winning combination. And then of course there was the Martini phase where the olive was the best bit of the whole drink! But yeah, anyways. Anji had wild mushroom risotto, which I’d been considering, 0-until I saw Duckling on Black Rice. Oh my god it was so so good! It came with prossocuitio, and creamy lemon sauce as well, and I was just in absolute heaven. As we ate, we drank a very nice bottle of red wine, and talked. It’s astonishing the parallels she was able to draw from her relationship with Son of Satan.

Anyways, then Mike came to join us for dessert. I was completely full so I didn’t order anything, he just spoonfed me a bit of his sticky date pudding because he said it would change my life. Here’s hoping!

Later in the evening, we smoked pot and Anji got real stoned real fast, so she went up to bed. I stayed up later, reading magazines and watching the boys playing Ape Escape.

20/6/00

Anji had to go to work at 12, I think, so she got up before me. Once I finally got up, I just pottered around reading Lolita, writing my journal and that kind of thing. Eventually i had a shower and got dressed. Then Timmy and Mike were going into town and they invited me to go along too, so I did. We walked in, and they spent ages in a comic book shop. I read a comic of Brothers Grimm faerie tales that were pretty nasty. I could remember most of them from my childhood, though I can’t quite place them. Maybe I had some of the stories on tape, and others in a novel book, as opposed to something illustrated.

We went to Hungry Jacks, and I had a grilled chicken burger. It wasn’t as nice as I remembered them to be. Ahh well. Mike told me to take more drugs so that I’d like crowds better. he also said his ex girlfriend always dresses up as Roller Girl to go to the Box on Retro Night. They made fun of my pop obsessions. I didn’t really mind.

Then we went to Myers, and looked at male underwear for a bit. I never got to pose very much in underwear, unless you count slips. Which may or may not be a good thing. Then we went upstairs to spend ages looking at videos, cds, playstation games, television….. It was quite quite boring. But still, I guess it was good of them to get me out of the house! And then we went to another playstation store and stayed there for a million years. Damn I wanna cd burner and a digital caamera! I gotta get me a decent job! Then we took a very crowded tram back to Brunswik Street. I felt a leetle bit bad cos I probably looked scowly, cos I was a little bored, and a lot tired and shy. So we had a drink at Joe’s, and I waited for Anji while they went to Bar Open. Once Anji had her staff drink, we went and joined them, and drank a bottle of red to their white.

Then we debated for a while as to where to have dinner (for a change) and Anji said we should go to a pub near home called the Builders Arms, so we did. The food wasn’t all that – i had lamb fillets on greek salad – but we played pool while eating, which made it more fun. Mike made it his mission to teach me to play – he said he’d made his ex one of the best pool players in uckland. Everytime he leaned in to help me with a shot, I wanted to laugh at wha a cliche it seemed like, but unfortunatly, he was just trying to teach me pool, I think. Damn! Ahh well, I guess the lesbians are sleeping in his room anyways!

We got home in time for Buffy, of course. Before it was on, the boys were playingp psx, and Anji got all shitty with them because she was bored. But once miked rolled her a joint, she was better. I’ve realised the reason I don’t enjoy smoking pot that much here is because they put tobacco in it, so it’s just not nice. Apparently, that’s because the pot is grown hydroponically, so it’s heaps stronger so they have to thin it out, but blaargh why?

After Buffy, it was pretty much straight upstairs to sleep. But OH MY GOD Willow shacks up with a girl! “I’M NOT MARRYING SOME BLOODY LESBIAN”

We rang Neil to say Happy Birthday to him. I lied adn told him I’d gotten him something TREMENDOUS for his birthday. Well, Anji and I might get him a Grease Karaoke video! Mum told Anji she’d pay for shoes for me if I could find any. Well, I haven’t found any. I can’t relaly go for guys dress shoes, so I might have to go for some streetwear style. But I really don’t like Royal shaped ones, you know?

These are highlights from my journal that I kept in my red book in Australia. Obviously, it’s not everything. I was doing a whole bunch of thinking, and no one needs to read all of that. But these are the entertaining highlight parts.

Sunday, June 18th, 2000

So, on that note, let’s move on to Airport stories, ignoring the obvious parallels between this and my last trip to Australia. It was so lovely, being with Maree and Kate M and Brad and CLayton, the people I’m closest to. And yes, of course I cried. I’m going to be away a whole month, and I feel really bad about leaving Brad with all the responsibility of the bills and with finding us a flatmate. But honestly, this trip has been what has gotten me through the past couple of weeks. I have never needed or deserved a holiday more!

****

Stuff is nifty. My feet hurt from queing though! It took soooo long to get through customs. I got stuck in the middle of a whole bunch of Taiwanese on a package tour. They had a tour guide with them, I think, because he talked a lot, loudly, and everyone laughed. He had Elvis hair, and despite his saggy man breasts and beer belly, he was wearng a tight tshirt. It was truel truely hideous! There is a smell like rotton eggs on this plane, which is pretty hideous too.

I’m really excited about this holiday, despite the fact that I’m going to miss my Auckland friends like crazy. It’s going to be really good for me to spend some time alone and record my thoughts. I don’t have to be scared about what I’m thinking either, which is a pleasant change. You know what? I am so proud of myself for surviving when I thought I couldn’t. I mean, I know I broke down and begged Thomas to help me, but when he didn’t, I managed to pull through. Thank god for Shirley and Maree, and Mum especially. All my _friends_ mean so much to me. I want to make them proud of me by taking better care of myself.

Oh, the plane is taking off now. Bye bye Auckland! I wonder if we’ll crash. I don’t think I’d mind – not because I want to die, but because I feel really at peace right now. I’ve had my breakthroughs and everything. Oh dear, I think I’m going to cry again. I _always_ fucking cry at airports, although never before as bad as the last time.

You know, Kara has never seen me sober. Oh dear, she must think I’m a fucking fruit bat. Brave girl, I think she’s lovely. Clayton shouldn’t have been talking about Shirley in front of her. Neither should I. Damn. Ahh well. He’s such a sweetie, I hope they’re happy together!

*****

I think I have developed an unnatural obsession with my drink. I am amazed at how the lemon slice perfectly fits half the glass. I’m intrigued by the bubbles, and wondering how the fuck they could be drawn. I want to scan my glass and use it for a background for Hubris. I need to redesign. I want floating text over a fixed background. It looks like there’s a bullet mark in my window. I could see the bullet moving in slow motion through the window into me, and it just felt like the needle last time they took my blood. There was a _lot_ of vodka in this drink, I think. Oh, they’re serving dinne! It must be all of five pm. How Grandma! I’m still very full from my Pork McRib, but I’ll have a pick at it anyway. The pork McRib was very disappointing, unsuprisingly since I’ve been waiting 3 weeks for it. BUt still, it was good to have a goal!

Ohhh I have reached the very middle of this book. That is very cool. I only wish there was more good writing in this book, instead of dumb babble. Do you think I will ever be published? I’d so love that. I wish I could write a novel, something that would affect other people. I know I’m not supposed to talk about this, but the thing I am most terrified of is that I had no impact on Thomas at all, that I haven’t been significant to him. I know that was the case with Morphine Matt, and both of them affected _me_ so profoundly. I would hate it more than anything if I just didn’t matter to Thomas, if I hadn’t changed or enhanced him in any way.

Chicken or beef? Chicken or beef? Chicken I think. I wonder if I’ll eat again in Melbourne. Probably. But we might save Mihn Mihns for another night. Damn the vegetarian meal smells nice. I am so not hungry though. I had chocolate covered coffee beans and red bull for breakfast today. It made me babble lots, all that caffeine. I think everyone thinks i am looking better too. Sure, I’ve probably put back on the weight I lost (looser jeans were fun!) but maybe I have my spark back. I thought it was gone for good. What’s that Leonard Cohen line? “Thanks for the trouble you took from her eyes – I thought it was there for good, so I never tried”. Well, maybe one day I’ll meet the brother that will make me truely happy.

Witty banter again – the plane wings look awfully flimsy. I wonder if they are made from paper, and if that is completely legal. I should go find a bathroom sometime. After the meal. It’s okay – airplane toilets are too small to kneel in. I rememebr dancing around in my underwear last night in the handicapped stall at Roasted Adiquition, in between sari re-arrangements. Sassy! I’m so glad Shirley liked my speech – I just didn’t know how to do justice to all the things that she’s done for me.

The clouds look just like icebergs. I wonder if I’ll see any dancing penguins. Who the fuck came up with that concept, anyways? I mean, what links chips and penguins??? Oh wait, i guess they ARE called Bluebird. But penguins seem to show up in the oddest places. I mean, Squirt? Linux? What’s going on? Is there some secret penguin conspiracy? Maybe the Emperor penguins are taking themselves too literally.

I think coke should go back to 500mls, and the price should go down again. Fuck that dollar sixty stuff. Oh sorry, that came from me thinking about the 250ml cans you get on aeroplanes. In Japan, coke sometimes comes in 200ml cans, like Red Bull, only they have pull ring tabs that come right off, which are far more dangerous. Oh my god, I remember drinking like, cocoa and shit out of cans too. Here comes the drinks trolley again. But I’d better not. I feel drunk already.

Well, dinner’s over now, and I’m enjoying dessert. It was Chicken curry – not bad, pretty much like Eastern Curries. Better than the Healthy Choice monstrosity Brad brought home yesterday. I am, I am looking after myself! This custard looks remarkably like (admittedly yellower) semen, but it sure tastes a whole lot better. Oh I want your hot cum all over my tits! I think it’s a lot worse watching porn when you are no longer a naive little virgin. Although, quite frankly, how i managed to go through with intercourse after the penetration shots is beyond me!

****

Mmmm, filter coffee, blarrgh! Oh, AND a Bardot remix. Choysa tea, man. And speaking of tea, man I have embraced it very quickly. Which is a good thing. I am way too on edge. One day I am going to have a shoulder massage that won’t hurt because I’ll be so relaxed. Oh yes, I will! But whilst in Melbourne and Wellington, I’ll drink coffee. I don’t know how i’ll get through the days at the MOE otherwise. Mmmmm Fuel Coffee! And mmmm Fuel Hot Chocolate.

****

I think relationships should come with airsick bags. Motion sickness. Emotion sickness. Oh god, I am quoting silverchair. Just as well I switched to the concert station. Goddamit that coffee is FOUL. I really need to pee, but I think there’s someone in the bathroom. This polynesian guy and girl just walked past. They couldn’t have been more than 17, but they were carrying a baby. What goes on?

*****

We must get into Melbourne pretty soon hopefully. I have steel bladder, I can hold on! Fuck it’s going to be good to see Anji again. Must remember to claim sleeping bag. And ask at the bus counter where to get off closest to Fitzroy. Fuck I’ve written heaps. I’m going to read through again.

Ahh, aeroplane toilets. There’s a sign on the door inside that says “please lock” which I think is really unfair, because like, I’d really prefer for everyone to see me peeing. The rubbish bin has funny pictures of things on it that you’re supposed to dispose of in there – emotion sickness bags, razors, nappys. But then there’s something really weird that I can’t figure out, but I guess it must be a pad. Fucking odd looking pad. Maybe it’s like the real old fashioned kind you have to hook onto a belt thingie, like in “Are you there God, it’s me, Margaret”. Maybe. I’m cold. I want my hoodie. Only no, that’s in the cargo hold somewhere.

What does scratch aeroplane windows? They are always scratched, as far as I can tell, but it’s not like planes drive through foliage or anything. What an odd concept!

I keep writign down little quirky observations just like i keep going to reach for my bag and cellie to check for text messages. Only, no, my cellie is in Auckland, n a bag with my Macy Gray cd, my Geri book, and Ru-bear. I miss them all already!

I don’t get why Channel 7 is so much quieter than the other channels. Maybe I should write a letter of complaint. Ha! Beck is on the crooners’ channel, with “tropacalia”. That amuses me biglots.

Wow, I never knew where Melbourne was on the map until now. 46 minutes left. I’m bored. I need something to read! I want my cellphone and text messaging. Ah well. Maybe I’ll try napping. Oh fuck, I had coffee. Hmm, I need another vodka.

Later:

The airport seemd to take forever to clear. Then I had to find my way to the Skybus, and tere was absolutely nowhere to dump my trolley. I had to take it back into the terminal, where I gave it to some woman so she didn’t have to pay to get herself one (I was at the domestic terminal by that stage). But I managed to get myself onto the bus okay, and the bus driver told me to get off at Franklin Station. I was so so tired at that stage, and I just started thinking about how badly lost I got the last time. Plus, I think all the stress of the past month really started catching up to me, and I just about started to bawl. But I didn’t.

Getting off the bus, I was faced with the problem of finding a taxi. I’d kinda thought there would be a rank at the bus station, but no. So instead I set out to walk to a busy looking road, with my handbag and a backpack and suitcase and sleeping bag. I was _not_ a happy camper! No cabs passed me by, so I was searching for a rank. I finally came to some huge big building, so I figured there had to be one there. There was – it just had no taxis waiting. But there were about a dozen Asians. We all had to wait at least ten minutes before the first taxi arrived, and then of course, they got it first. A little while later another taxi came along, and i asked if he could take me to Fitzroy. He said he could, but was I first in line? No. So he said he’d call me another one. Then this girl came up to me and said she’d ordered a couple of taxis. She asked me where I was going, and suggested we share, so I agreed. A taxi came along then, and another one for the last of the Asians, and we were finally off. When we got to Napier Street, the girl said not to worry about paying, but the driver suggested i pay $5, so I did. They were both lovely. If I’d had to wait much longer for a taxi, I probably would have cried!

So we sat around in Anji’s lounge, and I met her flatmate Mike. He has two chicks staying with him, Racheal and Ange, who looked really really similar. At first I thought they were sisters, but when I saw them snogging, I realised otherwise. Racheal “did my numbers” for me, and what I read in the book seemed very true. Ange said she’d cut my hair for me, yay! We smoked some pot and had some red wine, then decided to flag going out to dinner because I was too tired, and Anji seemed kinda tired too. Instead, we ordered in Italian. Anji and I shared a vegetarian pizza. Mike brought down his cd mixer, so we played all sorts of music, from Flying Nun classics to very cool techno. Him and Rach had a fight and looked just like Tekken characters. Later they danced very cooly, like someone from Bust-A-Groove. It was nifty. The one downer was when they started playing Beth Orton, but I thought “no, I’m being dumb”. I am going to reclaim music, and create NEW associations for it. So there!

I’m reading Lolita because I feel like I should. Maybe it’ll offer insight into the whole school girl thing!

When I went to bed, I was like “awww I don’t have my teddy bear” so Anji biffed this huge big bear at me that belongs to Timmy. So I slept with that, and it was lovely. The bear was bigger around than Thomas even, but snored less.

Woah, writing in Dreamweaver, this is odd. But change is a good thing. Okay no, I’m so not going to start out a journal entry talking about Geeky Stuff. So there.

On second thoughts, the sentence did start with a ‘woah’ so instantly y’all would have been thinking about cowboys and indians anyways, so that’s pretty exciting. Damn I wanna cowboy hat. I wanna be Tiffany from Pop Stars.

Kate thought I thought that I was better than Tiffany, but what I was really saying was that I was better than her other lameass little kid fans, so yeah, she was just being dumb. I think it says something to that effect on our fridge anyways. No wait, not the fridge, the white board.

You know, I really wanna change this font but I seem to have lost my properties box. It’s kike, disappeared off the screen, so I can’t. Well, I could do a muffdive into the code, but it’ll look all ugly and stuff and oh my god just shut up Joanna before you embarrass the both of us.

I want chocolate biscuits and milk right now please someone. Thanks

I think maybe this is because I dimmed the light in my room. Or maybe it was stoval recreational stylings, or something like that. Not entirely sure. Either way, I’m in a good mood, I think. Just not very cohesive. But let’s face it – when have I ever been cohesive? I admit that yes I do write my journal very much for readers, but goddam y’all must struggle through it. Thanks, I hope I’m worth the effort. Well, I’m not but hey, it’s five minutes killed, eh. It sucks ‘cos like anything else for me, it seems that telling stories is really only truely satisfying with an audience. So while I like the fact that many of my friends read my journal, it also adds complications. I did the whole secret journal thing for a while but I guess a lack of feedback on that made it unappealing. I didn’t feel motivated enough to keep on writing. I mean, I have a book that I occasionally write in if I have big things to purge, but that’s not daily. Which is why things get exorcized online instead. Mostly that anyways.

Oh woah, I’ve so forgotton what i was writing about, because Shirley rang, and then i had to go make a milk shake, and then yeah, I dunno. Lost the plot. I’m having a Miss Universe Party on Saturday for girlies to do their faces and make up and drink lots and lots of champers and all that good stuff.

Today was okay. We have to post intelligent comments in this forumy thing for 3D in order to gain 20% of our end of the year mark – suck! I posted a comment today suggesting that people need to remember to push enter after changing any numerical values in the lighting panel. So onto it man! Jodie and I had large fits of laughter when we found out that after we’d been bragging to Fleur about how done we were and how smart we were, it turned out we’d been working on the completed image as opposed to the one we were supposed to do ourselves. I came back to class 15 minutes later after the break because I’d stayed outside talking to Derek. I think Stuart knows I’m not overly fond of him – or the class either.

This evening I started filling out this huge big survey I’ve been mailed out, and then I stopped for a while because I still had like 50 pages to go. Then Kate B came around and we watched tv and Pop Stars and did stove things. Sizzle.

Thursday 25; February, 1999

Got out of bed to the phone ringing, pulling on my dressing gown and was kinda short to Clayton’s friend Antz, practically hanging up before I remembered it would be polite to say “do you want me to take a message?” But he didn’t. So I stripped my bed, and put my light washing in the machine, and then went back for a bit more of a lie-in. When I went to put my dark washing on, I realised that there had been a sponge in the tub, and I’d flooded the laundry. Aces.

Anyways, so finally I managed to leave the house, and I stopped in Newmarket to get out $800 at ANZ and carry it up to ASB to pay the rent. The guy at ASB was really nice and sympathetic, because of course I moaned out the whole story when he asked. Man, it was fun having that much cash in my hands, even temporarily. Then I went to some crap-ass cafe and had a coffee, just to perk up a trifle before my three hour tv workshop.

Because we’re Year 2 this year, we don’t use the m100 cameras anymore, we use some bigass flash pro 2000s or something like that, which are apparently worth $10,000 each. Scary shit man – that’s like waaaaaay too much responsibility to place in my hands! We had to divide up into groups to do stuff, and we had Dan in our group. Dan who’s 23 and has a background of making short films. He was being sooooooooo patronising about all the technical stuff, and I just couldn’t see anything because I wasn’t wearing my contacts (my bottle of cleaning fluid has vanished somewhere into my room), and I was bored. We spent like 45 minutes getting two shots. It’s funny how paranoid people are when they think they’re being filmed getting out money from an ATM. OH! And I have another mini story sort of on that note – this morning when I was in the bank, I sat down at one of the counters that had two chairs at it, next to a counter that had no chairs. This old woman comes up, goes “Excuse me” and took the other chair but moved it over to the other counter. So what am I – chopped liver?

Man it’s pouring hard. I’m glad Si and Leyton were kind enough to bring in my washing. I was kind to them and hung most of my underwear up in my room (there’s this really weird line of nails sticking out of one of the walls that worked a treat). I guess I’m just really paranoid about people handling my underthings. One thing that really bugged me last year was whenever I went to Hamilton, Andee would always paw through my bag or suitcase (depending on whether or not I was enroute to somewhere else or just down for the weekend) looking for cool clothes that she could wear.

Oh yeah but back to my day. So yeah, after the three hour workshop (which was actually two and a bit) I went up to Auckland Uni and wandered around the Quad there for ages, clambering up staircases all over the place, looking for the Craccum office. They hide themselves away pretty well, above the Koreans singing Boyzone in the clubspace. I like their office because its trajic state made me feel so much happier about the mess in my room. Anyways, I went to proofread for them, so I did. And ate their pizza, and rejected their offer of smokes. Like, I haven’t had pot in ages, and I would quite like to have some, just not right after eating. I’d rather just have my own stash so that I could get giggly when I felt like it, instead of getting drunk and moody. Anyways, Craccum was amusing, and I feel special cos I think my name gets published. As ‘Jo McLeod’ actually, which is kinda weird, cos I’ve stopped being Jo reccently because of the lovely Eaton lass. But that’s okay. People won’t know it’s me, so I’ll be like, incognito. No, honestly they don’t have someone from AIT helping out. It was funny how much Nexus, and Hammy in general got mocked.

Then once I’d proofread the whole thing, and fed it back to Matt while he made changes onto the puter, I figured my work there was done, so I walked up to the bus stop. Checking my cellphone, I saw I’d missed a message from Trudie, so I rang her back but she didn’t answer. However, while I was on the bus, Kate rang me, wanting me to go over, but instead she agreed to meet me back at my place. Mmmm. So yeah, I got home and then she came over. We sat in the lounge giggling for ages, squeezing the inflatable aliens for a bit. (Simon and I are starting a blow-up toy collection – all donations gratefully accepted). Kate just got hooked up to the net today, and she said she was surfing with her flatmate Matt, when he read the stuff I wrote about him (“kinda cute, but I’m SO over the stoner thing. Being a little more on-to-it is kind of a bonus”) and complained that he IS on to it. Hahahaha. Guess I won’t be going back to her flat then!

We realised that we were fully obsessed with the aliens, so we started playing that props game from “Whose Line is It Anyway?” with them. “Oh, an extra leg!” and “yes, it’s a real fur, darling”. I guess you kinda sorta had to be there. Actually, no, cos Clayton and Si and Leyton were all there, and were greatly bemused while Kate and I just about died in fits of giggles. I think the boys were more entertained when Kate and I started beating each other up with the Aliens. Man, we gave each other such a fucking huge walloping!!! She wacked me one right across my face, and it hurt like a motherfucker cos it crushed my glasses into my nose. Then we went into the kitchen and screamed at each other, to the great annoyance of the lads who were trying to sleep. Kate had the audacity to call me a slut, and Si joined in, calling me a Hoe. I was like “WELL AT LEAST I’M MAKING MONEY OFF OF IT!!!!!!!!”. That shut them up.

And that’s shut me up too now.

xoxoxoxo

Monday 1; Febuary, 1999
Make Out Monday. God bless TV4 Marketing.

Kate and Theresa woke me up asking for towels, which I guess was better than them asking for tshirts to sleep in before then coming back and going “Can we have some boxer shorts too please? Both Kate and I are wearing G-strings and it’s not a pretty sight”. Then I went back to sleep until like 1.30pm.

Later I discovered a message from Anji on the answerphone, so I rang her back on my cellphone so as to not run up unexpected bills later. We gossiped for about 15 minutes, her telling me crazy stories and me trying to do the same. So that was choice. She apologised for panicking me out when Karen went into hospital.

Kate rang to tell me that they’d found a flat, and that her and Theresa would be around at 8pm with more alcohol to CELEBRATE this time. I had nothing else to do, so I just bummed around all day. Then I watched lots of TV, including “Favourite Moments of 90210″. Man, that all went downhill when Brenda left. I mean, I love Valerie and all, but it’s just not the same.

Anyways, Kate and Theresa showed up like an hour and a half late with their friend Marissa, and two casks of white wine. We heated up the leftover pizza in our scarily unclean oven, and sat out on the patio, them smoking up a storm. White wine and I don’t get along too well, so I didn’t guzzle quite as fast as the rest of them.