Hubris

Tuesday, September 1st, 1999

Is it ironic at all that I lay in bed reading
about Victim Feminisim while Fiona Apple wailed away on my stereo?

Because of vomitting and long late night
long distance phone calls and that sort of thing, I didn’t go into tech
today. I did, however, get out of bed to give Clayton the converter plug,
without which I can’t plug my modem into the phone lines. He hasn’t given
it back to me yet, but that’s probably a good thing. I just don’t know
when I’ll get to upload this entry. But that doesn’t matter all that much
anyways.

I’ve done 1/3 of my intercom work, which
is a good thing, I think. Yes. It’s astonishing how quickly I can actually
do it, if I didn’t get distracted all the time. But I do get distracted,
by Freecell and newspapers and thoughts and stuff that should all just
be erased. Stuff. Ha.

Showers are where I spend an hour scrubbing
the tiles because I don’t want to leave pounding hot water. The laundry
floor is where I curled up last night after vomiting and we’ll just blame
that on the gin at Shirley’s, because that’s easier.

And this is fucking victimism. I’m fucking
suffering – pity me. Excuse me. And all that shit. No, I can’t write this.
Or I can write this, but I can’t share this. Because I hate myself and
I wanted to throw up. It’s like Bulemia chic or something. I wanted to
eradicate him from my system. Why does that make me want to hurt myself?
Do I want to make him guilty? Make him feel responsible? The hot hot shower
was better than thinking about scalding myself, submerging myself in boiling
water. I’d never reach for knives – I just want to burn. Burn his touch
out of me. Burn his fucking memory out of me. I was lied to. I was just
his fucking dalliance. His fucking whore. And I don’t know what’s worse
– that he really did think that he loved me, or that he was just using
me all along. So I feel total hate now, and yet I still love him, and
I’d probably take him back, even if he was just going to be thinking of
‘her’ the whole time.

And more scary, there’s Tony resurfacing
when I was on the laundry floor last night. It’s not the memory of the
night, it’s the memories of the subsequent nights where I’ve cried and
I’ve screamed – of the motel kitchen, Abby’s lawn, Charlotte’s kitchen,
my bedroom. And I can’t get over it. Not when the only guy that made me
safe turns out not to care about me. And there are the bruises he left
on me – and I enjoyed them. What kind of sick fucked up bitch does that
make me? Is that my legacy? And when he pinned my wrists down to the bed,
and his kiss was too deep, too much, and I couldn’t move, and it was just
like Tony. I hate being damaged. I hate my jealousy issues. I hate how
I can’t stand up for myself. I hate that I hate myself. It’s all so self
pitying and pathetic. I want it to stop. I need it to stop. I don’t have
an eating disorder but maybe I should develop one. And that’s just fucked
up, but all I want to do is cram full of that icecream and then throw
it up again, but I can’t even vomit properly. I need for this to end.
I’ve got to go to Australia.

And there, what’s going to happen? Am I
going to throw myself at every possible guy? Turn myself into a whore
the way he treated me? Maybe I want to be fucked while I cry, because
it can’t be special. It can’t be like the way it was with him, because
it turns out that I was nothing, I was a time filler. So maybe if I suck
the cocks of everyone else, if I swallow them too, they’ll eradicate him
from my system. Other hands touching me – sure, it makes my stomach churn
to think about ti now, but maybe if I just let them do it enough, it’ll
be okay. They can muffle me, and I won’t say no. Because how can I respect
myself if he couldn’t?

I can’t hardly even read what I’m writing.
I’m so sick of this self loathing, but I guess it’s better to purge this
way than head over a toilet bowl. I must get clean. I need help. Or maybe
I just need to drop the amatuer dramatics. I need I need I need to get
a grip. Like he said. And I need to grow up. Because pretending like my
problems are more serious than they actually are does not make me cool.
It does not make me glamourous. It only serves to fuck me up more, and
that’s not something I really need right now.

My self esteem had been so good lately,
and now it’s getting knocked back and I just sit there and let it. This
is fucked. I swear, I’ve got problems. I argue with myself so much. Is
this right? Is it normal to have such a nasty person at the back of my
head, telling me how pathetic I am?

I don’t deserve this. I’m a good person.
I try and suppress all the bad things I could do. I could say so much
about him, expose him, attack him. I think I know him well enough to see
where his vunerabilities are. He could probably do the same to me. I have
to hope that he won’t because I’d just crumple. I’m so afraid of his scorn.
I don’t want to have to hate him, but I can’t do it any other way. he
won’t let me. Why did it have to turn so bitter and nasty? For brief instances,
I had paradise. but there’s always her in the background, her that he
lied to me about. He said he loved me, and he was wrong. I just have to
cling to thinking that he believed it when he said it, that he wasn’t
intentionally taking me for such a ride. Surely all his concern for me
couldn’t have just been a cover? No one could be that cruel, surely?

But then again, how could anyone love me?
He wasn’t loving me for my face or body – no matter how many times he
called me sexy. So I could make him come, that doesn’t make me jesus.
that just makes me easy. And my personality? Insecure to the point of
neurosis, jealous, self centred, over dramatic, fucked up, pretending
to be fucked up. There’s nothing there. I think that maybe he loved that
I could love him. And that’s why he tried, for a while, to keep me. he
needed me to feed his own ego.

Sounds like Morphine Matt. I really love
my victim role, don’t I? Why the fuck can’t I trust my natural instincts?
I’m like this fucking hopeless romantic, and maybe I love the abuse. That’s
it. I feel like I deserve it. I need REAL trauma because the other traumas
I’ve had I made up or exagerated out of control. Give me life, give me
pain, give me myself again and all that shit.

I’ve got to stop this.

I don’t know what I’m going to do with
this entry. There’s the part of me that wants to put it up for the whole
world to see. I want them to suffer along side of me. I want their false
pity and their “awww”. And maybe I want more anger from him,
so that I can hate him some more, so that I can sting. And then I’m so
scared of what he could do to me. I’m not some stupid fucking suicidal
twelve year old anymore, but I don’t want to risk it. I don’t want to
be pushed to the edge by him hating me anymore than he already does. And
I don’t want to be laughed at. Maybe I’m fucking terrified of that. I
don’t want to be dismissed as melodramatic and pathetic, although I’ll
do that to myself. I don’t want people to worry about me. Well, I want
some people to worry, and others not to. And I don’t want to expose myself
further, while I want to expose everything.

I will think for a while on these things.
But oh god – I wish I could just turn off my mind. Six days till I go
to Australia. I’ve got to hold on.