Words Won’t Do

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Sunday, August 15th, 1999

It’s funny cos just when I sit down to write an entry that was going to revolve around words, I hear Veruca Salt singing “words won’t do it” from my cd in Simon’s computer. So there you go.

And now I just lost my train of thought cos of the lewd comments coming from his end of the table – “are you jealous that I’ve got something to suck on, and you haven’t?”

***

I have a tendency to fall too much in love with words. I think I’ve always pretty much known that, but I had it re-confirmed this morning when I started reading my seventh form diary again because it was beside my bed and I wasn’t sleeping. I read conversations I’d had, logs even, with Morphine Matt, and I read about the day after he told me that he ‘liked me’ and how I was walking on a cloud from that, from some tiny exchange over the Internet. It’s funny how little I knew then, sweet, innocent naive little me – that was on so much of a lesser scale than things since then, and yet at the time it felt like the greatest thing in the world ever.

I guess the good thing about the diary was that it shows that I do progress, no really I do.

Just right now I feel really hollow and empty.

I’m reading a book right now called “Nessecary Madness” and it had me weeping from page one, because it’s about a woman who’s husband has died of lukemia, but it’s very big and descriptive about the love they used to have, and it makes me go awwwwwwwww and it makes me wish I had the power of the written word, and it makes me long for what I had really briefly and makes me feel alone.

And right now, this website has me weeping too. Weeping’s kind of a cool word. It seems distanced, like you weep for something that’s not connected to you, while you sob for your own life. I’m not unhappy today, other than being lonely. I’m just emotionally charged by the things I have been reading.

I made Clayton go five minutes without talking today, because I was tired of all the garbage he was rattling on about. I’m feeling smuggly superior, like I’m so fucking deep and no one else does. Like no one else ever feels the way I feel. Or some shit like that.

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