After the party

I don’t always look completely glamourous, you know. For your entertainment, and my very strange vanity, I present the following – the Party Aftermath. Taken around 2am this morning, after a night out on the three D’s – dressing up, drinking and dancing.

Heh. I’ve been cam-obsessed lately. This afternoon I had to send in a photo for our Multimedia yearbook, so I was preening in front of it for like half an hour. Sad sad sad.

Everything is supposed to be fine now, but it isn’t. I breathe in too strangely, too fast, nearly hyperventilation but not quite. I dry retch into rubbish bins – I won’t clean the toilets because their filth is all that keeps me from kneeling in front of them and letting it go. This is fucking ridiculous, I’m too highly strung, I shouldn’t be so up and down all the time. So so happy, so so sad. I cried off the phone with the travel agent today, it’s crazy. I wish this wasn’t happening to me again.

I AM BETTER NOW, dammit. So why do I want to hurt myself? I hate being alone, i hate people, I hate everything, and while I know this will pass, it scares me because if it can come back now, it’ll come back later, and this isn’t something I want to be going through over and over again. I’m lonely, but it’s more than that. I don’t understand myself anymore. I don’t want this to keep happening. And I don’t want to think that I’m over-reacting or anything, because I spent a few hours thinking I didn’t want to eat. But I do, it’s okay, I’m not going to stop eating again, I’m not going to end up at the doctor’s office again having prozac pamphlets thrust upon me. I’m just a little stressed out with the whole business of it being the end of the year and everything.

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