When the fire goes out, you’d better learn to fake

<I>Or:
“Fetch me my mother
Fetch me my brother
Tell them I’ve fucked up” </I>

Last night I told my parents that Katy couldn’t go flatting for another month, and then I broke down and cried some more because my plane didn’t crash when it was landing (so no being stuck on an island with Ian Sommeholder and the hobbit and the bad guy for me either), and hey, unemployed and living with my parents – wasn’t I doing exactly that this time last year? And therefore I haven’t achieved anything at all in the last year except come off the pills that made it easier to to not care, and stop the fucking that meant I could switch off my brain for at least an hour a time. Contextulize it like that and it’s still nothing. I don’t win awards at my job that I love, I can’t wear heels and little black dresses out at night, I’m not married, I’m not buying a second house, I don’t run my own drama school, I don’t edit a magazine, I’m not planning on getting engaged next year or travelling to Africa to doctor people there, or producing my own TV shows, or finding fulfillment in teaching Intermediate Schools, I’m not off on my OE or freshly back from one, and I’m not revinventing myself at Drama School, I’m just nothing, so that feeling of isolation-in-a-crowded-room never dies. In trying to cheer me up Mum was like “Yeah but they’re probably not happy either,” which isn’t a cheer-up thing at all because I’d like to think and hope that my friends ARE happy and if they weren’t that they’d tell me.

However, here are three amusing things that people said to me over the course of the weekend:
<LI>”I still have that filthy erotic letter you wrote me”
<LI>”I didn’t like you because you were pushy”
<LI>”That’s what I love about you Jo, you’re always dancing”

And here is the day by day breakdown: breakfast with Gemma at Fraser’s – the potato cakes are gluggy, the avocado hard and the sauce cold but the coffee is strong and the company is good / coffee with kate, the sun is hot and so is the company / haircut at Hayley’s, the company is great and the curling initially dubious / jeep ride and then lunch with my best client, the conversation is lively and the scandals & intrigues amusing although the time is limited and there’s only one glass of wine / checking into the motel is okay, the air conditioning is appreciated, other people in the pool are not, but the nap is soothing although when combind with the swimming (even though I kept my head up) the effects on my curled hair is devestating / dinner at Tanuki’s Cave with Heather and Chelsea is good, although the eggplant was quivering with benito and I felt out of place drinking beer / Bugs Bunny on Broadway with Kate was free, and made me appreciate the orchestrations of the music more, although I never really liked Loony Tunes / The afterparty launch of AKO5 or whatever it was that we were at was easy to get into (“Were you invited?” “Yes” “Do you have tickets?” “not with us” – true story but) and the wine was freeflowing for a couple of hours and the canapes great, the society page photographer was cute (and after hearing me complain for a while about a certain newspaper in Auckland laughed when telling me he worked for their Sunday branch), the dignitaries suitably bodyguarded and the speeches boring, and Kate was quick to catch on to the made up friend game. / The bubbly at Starks came in bottles and the same bartender I’ve had a bartender crush on for the past four years or so was still there and when I asked him about that he said “no I work here on and off, I just happen to always be here when you come in” or something like that, and Kate kept going on about how much she didn’t like him the next day so maybe he was being an arrogant dick but hey when haven’t I found that attractive, and we drank some more and got talking to the partner of the guarded dignitary and discovered it was just a training procedure and he therefore wasn’t actually rich enough to buy us our own magazine and sometime around 3am we stumbled in to bed at the hotel and the first series of Australian Idol was on tv /

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