Rockstar: Supernova – Week Three

The reality episode on the interweb:
Woo, it’s vocal coaching time, which means that Lukas gets all shirty and pretends he is more authentic than everyone else. Dilana freaks out and sings higher than she’s used to. Patrice is awesome. Soul Boy Josh annoys me. Then they fight over song choice. Soul Boy is all “I must do ‘Come as you are’ to show that I’ve got edge” and then he sits on it, and that’s that. His unselfish attitude is apparently the reason that Patrice and Jill start bitching at each other over ‘Helter Skelter’, but actually we all know that the reason they’re fighting is because Jill is a Shakira hag and is way too old to win, wheras Patrice is awesome. Have I said that lately? Well the House Band say it too. Did you know that the bassist is Russian? I love the interweb. Lukas pretends to be more authentic than anyone else by saying it doesn’t matter what song he gets because he will still rock it. Then he bitches because he doesn’t know ‘let’s spend the night together’. The house band say he sings it awesomely until he gets them to put in loops and rearrange it like a Marilyn Manson band. Lukas says he is more authentic and a rockstar for making this decision. Hahaha Lukas, you’re trying too hard to be JD

The Performance Show

Stop the press! Dave’s breaking up with Carmen! I wonder why? Could it be because he’s banging one or more of the rockers? I bet it is. And I bet he’s doing ummmm hmm Zayra? Surely that’s the only reason why she’s still in the competition?

Patrice fought Shakira for ‘Helter Skelter’, and I’m damn glad she did, because she rocks. Her hair is now black and platinum, which confirms what I’ve already said, and that’s that she is the new Suzi McNeil. I wonder if she’s going to start going out with Hank Azaria too now.

I want to punch Josh in the face for his booooooooooring version of ‘Come as you are’. Why the hell are they allowed to do this to so many Nirvana songs? Dave is miming sleep on his throne and it makes me laugh.

Storm is growing on me. I suspect that’s because she reminds of Mean Girls era Lindsay Lohan, and I’m not just saying that cos I’m perving on her boobies. I also really like ‘Just what I needed’.

Lukas’s ‘Let’s spend the night together’ doesn’t sound at all Marilyn Mansony, although admittedly I’m in the kitchen making toast for most of it, and our toaster is incredibly slow. His eyeshadow is still pretty.

Shakira is still hideous, and ‘Alright now’ is a terrible song. I don’t get what crack Supernova are smoking when they say they like it. There’s no way that they’d ever choose her, so why is she still here? She must suck a mean cock. I suppose being only three and a half feet tall must help with that.

When Ryan sings ‘Fortune’s Son’ I like him for the first time ever, but he still isn’t doing it as well as Brandon Calhoon did it last year. Perhaps I just really liked Brandon because he reminded me of James Robinson though. And then when Ryan actually smiles, he looks really hot, if your definitition of ‘hot’ is “looks like Warren from Buffy” which disturbingly, mine often is. Anji sends me a nasty text message which I won’t reprint here as to her opinion of his looks. That girl lived in Australia too long.

If only Phil would lose that fucking goatee, he’d probably be my favourite, purely because he looks like the type of boy that I normally go for, although his singlet should be tighter and he should swaying like he’s drunk if he’s not. But ‘White Rabbit’ sounds real good all hard like this, although apparently it takes a while to build up dancing-together chemistry because he and Jason keep bumping into each other.

I’ve always thought that ‘It’s my life’ by Bon Jovi sounded exactly like ‘Larger than life’ by the Backstreet Boys, and a quick search on Wikipedia confirms that they’re both written by Max Martin who, as we all know, is most famous for ‘Baby one more time’. That doesn’t explain why it’s SUCH A TERRIBLE SONG though. Sucks to be Dana. As she says in the results show, “how was I not rocking? I was pumping my arm in the air!”. Oh, is that what rocking is? Right, I get it now.

Anji loves of the Toby, because she says it’s nice to have someone who is drama-free, but oh man, he’s just ugly, and that Australian accent is so put on in order to differentiate himself, and also, Soul Asylum, ‘Runaway train’? You can mime “call me!” at me all you like, Toby, but I’m never going to like you. You’re showing the band your emotions are you? Riiiight. Anji’s like “I like him because he’s a surfer” to which I text back “Surfers are responsible for Jack Johnson”. Enough said.

Magni is well suited to ‘Plush’, but to me, there’s something a little lacking. Maybe it’s because it’s almost identical to the original, which is fucking great, but where’s the Icelandicness in this?

Oh yeah that’s right, Zayra stole it, doing her best Bjork impression on ‘Everybody hurts’, which is that song that all news media ever plays when they do a story about suicide. Not to be crass or anything, but Zayra’s wailings, coupled with that seethrough sparkly sweater dress kind of make me want to jump off an overpass. Why did the band say they like it?

Jenny doing Incubus is adequate, but yaaaaaaaaaaawn, as Supernova tell her. Go back to the super short skirt, lady. Don’t worry, Sheryl Crow called to tell you that soon you’ll be gone and you can go and find yourself a one-balled biker too.

I decided on the bus this morning that Dilana is a lesbian (because yes, you’re allowed to make snap judgements of people’s sexuality like that. Honest), which makes her perfect for the band, because she won’t sleep with Tommy and therefore there’ll be some sexual tension, not sexual boredom. Girls in corsets are awesome. The Cranberries are pretty naff, but she does well with ‘Zombie’. It’s so going to be her or Lukas or Magni that wins overall. I can’t see anyone else in the role.

The elimination
Ryan is spot on when he says that Dana belongs on a pop show, but I really like that Dana did an unknown song. It does well for her. Zayra’s all like “I so can’t believe I am here” and I want to punch her in the face just a bit more. Josh IS DOING NIRVANA AGAIN AND IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY THAT I NEED TO BUST OUT THE CAPITAL LETTERS. Courtney, I know that rehab is expensive, but really, did you have to sell them the entire catelogue? Also, Josh makes me laugh because he’s been all “I hear you” to the musicians, and I recently had an amusing conversation with an incredibly cheesy boy who told me that you should always use an action verb appropriate to what the person you’re talking to does in order to build up trust, so if you’re talking to a painter you’d be like “I see what you’re saying” or a massage therapist would be “I feel what you’re saying” and a singer would be “I hear what you’re saying”, and oh the cheese of it all. Jenny doing STP looks like Avril Lavinge, and she is not fit enough to run around and sing at the same time. Anji and I both agree that it’s going to be Jenny that goes, and of course we’re right. A girl is not going to win this competition, unless she’s Dilana. Sorry Patrice, but I figure you’re in this like Marty Casey anyway – you’ve got your own thing going on and you want the publicity. I dig that, bro.

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