Rockstar:Supernova – Week Six

Reality / Performance / Results

Okay, before I get started, if you don’t get why I love Rockstar so much, please go watch the videos for a couple of performances last year – choose Jordis singing ‘The Man Who Sold the World’ or Marty doing ‘Wish You Were Here’, and then hopefully you’ll see. Otherwise, check out an episode of NZ Idol and compare it to an episode of Rockstar and then give me a call from hospital after you’ve gouged out your eyes.

I can’t believe they let Dana go when she had grown so much over the past five weeks. That’s insane. Sure, Shakira sang the verses of ‘Alone’ okay, but the chorus was still that full-on hideous “more louder is more betterer” bullshit that she always pulls out. And she is so taaaaacky. Ewww. I mean, obviously, Dana was never going to win. But she should have stayed another week. Jill shouldn’t still be here. And don’t even get me started on Zar Crash. And while I’m not getting started, it’d be awesome if I could stay away from the TWOP forums and recaps but I can’t. I really can’t. So I’m not even going to try.

The Reality Episode
Patrice doesn’t know why she’s in the bottom three. Brooke Burke wants to lie on the piano while Ryan plays. Well, I suppose the piano is less wooden than you, Brooke, so it might be a good match. Gilby shows up on a motorbike. I must interject now and talk about how much I’m currently in love with Gilby, even though apparently he and his wife started the craze for real low rise jeans with their label Frankie in 1998. And Frankie is named for their daughter, and there are articles linked from the TWOP forums about them that are just super cute. But I digress.

Back at the mansion, they all get electric guitars from Gibson, and Gilby plays a song for them and tells them they have to individually write lyrics and melody for the song and then perform it for Supernova the next day.

Lukas says the Supernova song makes him want it to pump it to ten. He’s obviously not a real rockstar or he’d turn his amp up to eleven. A fun wikipedia fact about Lukas is that he sings on Macdonald’s ads in Canadia eh, and also various cartoon soundtracks. YOu shouldn’t let someone who can’t even speak English talk to kids, right?

Dilana’s song is about living in the rockstar mansion, apparently. Storm goes running to write her song and she looks a lot more like Lindsay Lohan then she did the week before. Ryan wears a lot of eyeliner while he works on his song, and interviews about how authentic he is, but how his music is opposite to Lukas’s. Also his dress sense is totally opposite, given that Ryan dresses like a normal person while Lukas is wearing half a dozen necklaces. Apparently he’s the new Mr. T. Yeah I’m still angry about him fucking up that Hole song, in case you couldn’t tell. And Ryan gets shitty with him too for bugging him while he’s trying to write.

The next morning Gilby asks if they had enough time, and everyone says yes, and Ryan is like whaaaaaaat? because of course he didn’t even party the night before he was working so hard. His song sounds like Live vocals crossed with ummm something a little honky-tonkyish. Storm jumps up and down in a not very supportive bra. Jill forgot to put on pants and T’Lee says that she is a really good singer who always oversings. Gilby laughs at even interviewing about Dilana, and Jason says her song was cornball – strangely enough given that she’s singing about lotion and thongs. Lukas says his song rocks, it’s dirty and sexy like himself. Hmmmm. Well okay, it sounds pretty good. But he’s still an ass. He’s so the new JD. I am waiting for a human beings moment from him.

Magni’s fiance and baby show up and it makes me wanna cry because oh my god, what’s cuter than baldheaded rockers looking all softy? Oh no wait, that’s right, I’m coming up on a period, of course I’m going to be emotional. But holy crap that baby is cute. Magni is definitely in my top three now.

Song choice time! We’ve got Bowie, ‘Creep’, and umm I didn’t see what else. Dilana takes the songs out of The Room to the dining room table. Gilby’s going to be playing on ‘Won’t get fooled again’, so Dilana takes it. I wonder if she’ll grind. Ryan says “this isn’t a house of brilliant strategists, this is a house of musicians, so maybe that’s why we’re not all going for the Gilby song”. Dilana wants to show him that not all girls grind, and she says maybe she’ll headbutt him. Heh. Then she tries to convince Lukas to sing ‘Creep’ so that he can show Supernova his sensitive side. They talk about about him opening up his throat again. Hehehe. Yes, I’m still five. But also, remember how when they had a vocal coach and he was all “I’ve never formally trained”? That’s bullshit cos he went to some singing and dancing academy, according to Wikipedia. And Wikipedia never lies. The episode closes with him standing by himself in a spotlight at night trying to hit the note. I hope he can do it. The only thing worse than people covering Radiohead is people covering them badly. I’m looking at you here Zed…

Reality / Performance / Results

The Performance Show

So there’s all sorts of footage about how people didn’t want to play with a member of Supernova for various reasons, which is cut basically to make everyone look like whiney little brats, which of course means that Supernova gets pissed and Dave says that if he was in charge Dilana would win right now. Then Gilby takes off his jacket so he’s in a t-shirt and I swoon a little because he’s working the wrist cuff thing, and he gets up to play ‘Won’t get fooled’ again with Dilana. Her crazy hair is tied back in a big headscarf, so she looks very different than normal. She’s also wearing burgandy leather pants straight from the wardrobe of Season five Buffy which make it apparent that actually, Dilana has no ass. I never realised that before. And she sings the song just fine, and as promised, doesn’t grind on Gilby. Now some of the posters in the TWOP forum for the reality episode were like “why does Dilana keep going on about how Jill did the grinding? Get over it!” but seriously, do you think Gilby’s over it? He’s probably still waking up in the night screaming, and I bet it’s affected his lovelife with his lovely-sounding wife, because I’m sure he poured lysol over himself to try and get rid of the Shakira smell, and lysol’s just stingy. So as far as I’m concerned, Dilana can make as much fun of Jill as she likes. And the band love it.

Speaking of Jill, tonight performing ‘Mother Mother’, which is a flatout odd song, even if Brooke says it’s “Grammy nominated”, she’s Storm-lite, and she pulls off the same Avril Lavigne performance that Jenny did before she got evicted. She’s finally realised that “dressing like a rockstar” means going less heavy on the lip liner and more heavy on the eyes, but her eyebrows are totally black and look incredibly wrong. Plus, she’s wearing shorts and I can’t help but think of gofugyourself rants against formal shorts, and also unlaced clumpy boots. That’s not pratical, Jill! You could trip and hurt yourself. Although according to her official MSN bio it says that she had a pair of boots by Steve Madden named after her. Who the hell is Steve Madden? But nevermind. Supernova say it’s her best performance yet, and it’s true that she didn’t scream, but also she wasn’t fit enough to pull off all the running around she did while still hitting the notes. I haven’t said it yet today, so I’ll say it again now: I hate Jill, so I nearly piss myself when someone (probably Gilby) says “You know, I figured out why I’m scared to criticise you – it’s because you remind me so much of Carmella Soprano”.

Brooke’s all “somewhere in this auditorium is Ryan Star” and the new spotlights shoot through the crowd and pick up a hairy hooded figure making his way through the audience. Yes, that’s right, I said a hairy hooded figure, because it turns out that Ryan is wearing a wig over his hood. As you do. And he has a thick band of black makeup all across his eyes, ala Michael Stipe’s blue at Live8, and I am like WHAT. THE. FUCK? And text the same to Anji. And the feminist in me is glad that I get to bitch about male clothing as well as female clothing. But oh right, he’s singing “Paint it Black”. Of course, silly me. That explains the black tights. As the TWOP recaplet says “Good thing he didn’t sing “Honky Tonk Women,” because I’m not sure I needed to see him decked out like a truck-stop waitress. ” His vocals are on, but the energy seems really fake, and he’s taken the ethnicy bits out of the song in order to strip it back, and I’m just not feeling it, dawg. Supernova are like woah though, and say “you are totally a contender” which is funny, because when Brooke introduced him she said “Ryan proved last week that you are a contender”. And it’s also funny because season two of The Contender is now on in the States and as it’s Mark Burnett too they’re all about the crossover – the rockstars keep blogging about hanging out with the contenders. And if I gave a crap about boxing other than looking forward to my lesson today of course, and read Contender sites, they’d probably be talking about the rockstars. Nice work.

Storm’s white pants (white pants? What is she, a fourteen year old girl three years ago instead of a 37 year old now?) reveal that she has that curious ant segmentation-type torso, like D’Angelo or Pink. Creepy. She’s singing ‘We are the champions’ which of course JD absolutely slaughtered last year which led to the whole “Mig has already recorded the album with INXS conspiracy theory” after Mig was able to fucking kill ‘We will rock you’, although given that he was in the Queen stage show, that’s just as fucking well. I swear this much because it’s what rockers do, like when Jason was confused by Ryan and Dave was like “It was the * Jason, and you know it”. Storm sings it rather well, but she’s all standing in one place and so T’Lee worries that they’ve scared her into taking out her craziness, and she’s like “don’t worry, I can still rock the crap out of you” and I laugh.

Brooke says “there are two questions the world asks itself every week – what’s the weather going to be like, and what will Zayra be wearing?” I thought it was like “what’s for dinner, and why the fuck is she still in the competition?” but hey, I’ve never hosted Wild On, so what would I know? As it turns out, today Zar Crash is wearing huge fuckoff black platform shoes, a top hat and long black wig, and a skintight strapless flared gold latex jumpsuit. I don’t want to alarm you, but I’m pretty sure she’s not wearing any panties under it either. She’s singing David Bowie’s ‘All the Young Dudes’ so maybe this is her interpration of Glam Rock. Harvestbird texts me out of the blue to say that she looks like Willy Wonka, and haha, it’s funny because it’s true, and I’d like to encourage the rest of you with my number to text me similar thoughts as we watch. Curiously, Magni is playing the guitar for her. I’m not sure why. Maybe he’s into autoerotica, in the David Cronenburg Crash sort of way. What is autoerotica if it’s not getting off on car crashes anyway? Hmmm, if only there was a place I could go to where I could type in a word and find an answer. Perhaps monkeys could deliver me the information in a tube of sorts. Oh, it’s masturbating. I should have known that. Well I suppose that’s probably what Zayra will resort to next on stage. For the record, her singing it pretty atrocious too, and at one stage I’m pretty sure they’ve turned off her mike. Bless you, house band. Dave says if this was Rockstar: Pluto she’d win, and someone says it’s important that their singer have confidence. The TWOPer recapper suggested last week that people realise Supernova aren’t going to send her home until much later because they are also fans of her auto erotica, people are now voting for Zayra so that she doesn’t end up in the bottom three so that we don’t have to sit through two songs from her a week. Hehehe.

T’Lee says he feels like playing the drums when Josh announces that he’s singing ‘Interstate Love Song’ and Josh is like “What? Are you serious?” and it’s like the first time I’ve seen Josh in any kind of likeable light. He stands playing the guitar for this song which is boring boring boring and he misses his cue once again. Filllllller. The band say his voice sounds good, which is true, but meh.

More footage is shown of Magni with his family who were flown over to visit him, and his baby is perhaps the cutest thing on the face of the planet ever. Magni comes out with just an accoustic guitar and he sings “the Dolphin’s Cry”, and despite the many years I spent making fun of Live with Tom, I suppose it helps that there’s not a ridiculously bloated video with water crashing through an alleyway knocking down models, because all of a sudden my allergies flare up, and there’s something in my eye. It must just be dust, right? Right? I mean, I wouldn’t cry when someone was singing a Live song. That’s ridiculous. But they do cutaways to his fiancee in the audience and his baby wearing protective ear muffs, all Apple Paltrow-Martin at Live8 except cool, and oh, just the vulnerability in his voice, and the beauty of just him in the spotlight and wow, I really should take some allergy pills. Magni is now officially my favourite. Especially when he gets all choked up when Supernova ask him how it was having his family over. How moved was I? Enough to spend 99 cents on a text vote and then leave the realative warmth of the lounge to go and vote for him three times online as well.

Patrice is singing ‘Instant Karma’ by John Lennon which I thought I didn’t know until it came to the chorus. She does the playing the guitar thing, sticking to what she knows, and I’m like oh Patrice, why? I like you, but you’re going to be in the bottom three. Where’s the over-the-top drama? Where’s the ridiculousness?

Lukas is wearing a silver brocade jacket that’d make a nice bedspread. He’s toned down his eyeshadow to display his sensitive side, but the shoulderpads are still totally unnecessary. His delivery of ‘Creep’ starts out as a muted affair, which I’m a bit disappointed in, because I would have loved to hear the house band to the chick-chick-chugga-chugga lift into the chorus. He winks at Supernova when he sings “I don’t belong here” making me wanna punch him in the face, but when he launches into the “Run, run, ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun” bit he totally nails the note and gives me chills. He’s opening up his mouth and letting it pour out as Jason has always asked him to, and that’s how I know he will get the encore, although I want Magni to, but Lukas hasn’t had it before. Did anyone get double encores last year? I should check that out and report back to you.

Toby sings ‘Burning Down the House’ exactly as if he was Brandon Flowers and he was with the Killers, until Zayra brings him out a megaphone swathed in an Australian flag and it becomes apparent that he actually thinks he’s Scott Weiland. Dave tells him it was an unnecessary gimmick, but Supernova like it. I suppose none of their bands were exactly models of restraint and taste either.

Bottom three are Jill, Patrice and Josh, or maybe Zayra though I have my doubts, and the encore will be Lukas’s.

Reality / Performance / Results

The Results Show

I was of course right about Lukas getting the encore. Dilana looks pissed off when his name is announced, which gives some weight to the theory that people on the TWOP forums have been bantering about, that she only told Lukas to sing ‘Creep’ cos she thought it’d fuck him up – but I still don’t believe that. Or do I? I do hate on the South African accent after all, and she must get that Lukas is probably her strongest competition in terms of being the other person who appears to be right for the band. Then Supernova then announce that they’re giving out two and I’m stoked that Magni gets it. I’m also stoked that plugged in, I’m not nearly as moved, so maybe I’m not going to start liking Live after all. Phew! That was a narrow escape. Supernova tell the rockers that if they survive tonight they get to go to Vegas with them, and dude, how fucking awesome would that be? I’d even sleep with Jason Newsted to get to go on that trip – and I imagine he’d be a crier. Actually, perhaps sleeping with Jason wouldn’t be the worst idea in the world – he’d order me to “CRUSH IT” and I could deliver. I digress.

The bottom five are Zayra, Jill, Patrice, Ryan, and Josh. No surprises there. Jill’s the first person in the bottom three, and she’s dressed like my sister used to dress in 1989, light-ish jeans with holes in the knee that are a little baggy and look like they’d be slightly tapered, those stupid undone boots again (although full credit to Anji for never wearing those) and some kind of ugly black top, which would be fine if she didn’t announce she was going to sing ‘R.E.S.T.E.C.P’. I always knew she got the wrong memo and thought she was on Idol. And she belts it out as she always does, and I’m like, woah, awesome display of subtly there Jill – NOT. Yeah that’s right, it’s so bad it makes me revert to 1991 slang. In fact, it’s so bad it makes the House Band sound bad, and that’s never ever happened before. And yes, I know that most of the House Band also play for Michelle Branch, and that she’s not the coolest singer ever, BUT she was on Buffy so I think they were too, and that version of ‘Goodbye to you’ was killer, and Tara was leaving, and Willow was crying in the bathroom and oh, it was so sad and beautiful and tragic. Obviously I need to revert to a happy place to deal with the Shakira.

Josh is also in the bottom three, and he sings umm hmm, I can’t remember what he sang at all, and the TWOP recaplet doesn’t tell me. I guess that says a lot about Josh and the memorability of his performance. I do remember him bobbling his head about like Phil x 1000 though, and that he sang strapped in to his guitar again, so it’s obvious he’s had enough and wants to go home. Ryan, meanwhile, does not want to go home, and he makes that rather clear, along with how cunning and calculated he is when he says he’s going to be doing a Depeche Mode song “but I’ve changed the arrangement to make it more like what you want to hear…. which is what I like as well”. Nice work there Ryan, aligning your values with theirs. Now how are you at raping girls in the closet?

Ryan sings it well enough for Supernova to say thatt they want to see more of him, so it’s Jill and Josh left, and then the awesome happens, and both of them get kicked out! Josh asks if he still gets to come to Vegas, and in that moment I love him a lot. But I am happy that they are going. Now when the fuck will they evict Zar Crash? Stop voting for her! Hearing her sing twice will be okay if it means she’s finally leaving.

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