The Reality Show
I realise that I didn’t complain about them putting a camera on Gilby’s guitar while he was playing. What is this – The Amazing Race? So I will complain now, as they recap it in the webisode. Let me complain again about that word. And be glad again that Shakira and Mr Maroon 5 are gone. And that now I get to see footage of everyone in Vegas. Vegas baby, Vegas!
So the private jet is spraypainted with Supernova, but I’m going to bet that it’s actually just computer-altered, cos I bet that’s cheaper. T’Lee’s waiting on the jet with bottles of champagne and Jagermeister, because can we get in a little more product placement? Yes we can. I’m going to put in a story about a private jet here, if you will allow me a digression: The father of one of Brad’s classmates was Keith Richards’s neurosurgeon, and apparently they got to be quite good friends, so Keith arranged for the doctor to fly to New York so they could hang out some more, but his jet was busy, so they used Tom Cruise’s, and apparently Tom Cruise’s jet is stocked with all of his movies. And also apparently Tom Cruise is a dick. What a surprise. But back to Rockstar: Supernova instead of Trapped in the Closet.
They go to the Hard Rock Hotel and see all the memorabilia there, and for some reason they get Zayra to talk about it, and she says she can’t wait for her own stuff to be up there. Perhaps the producers thought this would be a good chance to get her to actually learn somethign about music, since she seems to know nothing about it. Inncidently, in all the rockstar blogs, all the rockers mention how Storm knows every single song that they’re presented with at song choice. Go Storm!
They go see the venue that Supernova’s first gig is going to be performing at, and famous rockers such as David Bowie, The Rolling Stones and errr Seal have played there. Jason says that it was good for the rockers to go there and realise what they’re going to do, because the first impression of Supernova as a band is going to take place where they’re standing. Because apparently the whole TV show Rockstar: Supernova doesn’t actually exist, or perhaps it makes no impression on people. Well, I suppose those wacky kids with their internets do have the memory of goldfishes. What was I writing about again? The awesomeness of custard yoghurt? Quite possibly.
Ryan says that now the remaining eight rockers will want to win it. Just as well Phil’s gone then. They go up to the Presidential suite, and it’s crazy like the movies – or perhaps you know, The OC when they went to Vegas for Caleb’s bachelor party. And that means that Rockstar: Supernova is now partly responsible for what’s going on in Lost. And oh ho, there is scandal afoot in the presidential suite when Dilana comes up to T’Lee and says with a screen caption “By the way, I just wanted to let you know that all these ______’s can go home”, and I’m not sure what word they bleeped out, but I am ONE HUNDRED PERCENT CERTAIN THAT THEY DIDN’T NEED THAT MOTHERFUCKING APOSTROPHE. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGH. Then she says “You don’t have to say a damn word” She interviews that she went and had a word with Tommy, and it felt natural and what she actually says is “I can sing, and I can draw a _________ crowd, and I can hang with the boys”. She then says she wishes they’d hurry up and bump everyone off so they can get on with it. Oooh girl, you nasty! So you were trying to fuck up Lukas with ‘Creep’. Ha ha, sucks to be you, shortass.
T’Lee, who is wearing a ‘Mr Happy’ t-shirt (way to traumatise children all around the world, buddy), tells people to have fun in Vegas, they drink champagne and next thing you know, Ryan is lying on the bowling lane (Zayra: “a bowling alley in a hotel room, what a great idea!” Like, a greater idea than a latex jumpsuit? Surely not!). Are you sure that’s a good idea Ryan? You’re not the most popular guy in the world. And Gilby bowls at his head, very very slowly. If that was Jill he’d have bowled at normal speed. Lots of hot girls show up, but strangely enough they fail to stack the room with hot men as well. The random girls dance on each other in an incredibly unhot display of psuedo lesbianism. Toby interviews that a couple of the contestants couldn’t handle their drink – and that he was one of them. We cut to seeing him hugging Jason going “I’m smashed, man”. Jason interviews that a couple of people couldn’t hold their drink, and that he was watching them because it was definitely part of the deal. “They’re always representing the band – at a party they don’t have to go and get so smashed that people are laughing at them”. Poor Toby. He thought he was doing the right thing by playing up his g’day mate Aussieness. Ryan says that at 10.30, a time when you could still get your grandparents on the phone (Ryan, can you call up my Oma and tell her I love her please? Good luck with that), Lukas and Toby, the “rockers” (his air quotes) of the house were passed out on the floor. He says “this is our dream, and I’m not throwing it away by drinking too much”. He is, however, apparently perfectly happy to hook up with the hired bitches. Isn’t he supposed to have a girlfriend back in New York? Perhaps one of the audition parts is having a three way with T’lee.
Storm says everyoen was hungover and tired when they got back to the mansion, except for Dilana who pours water in Lukas’s belly button and jumps on his bed. Apparently it’s her birthday so she wants to party, and by “party” she means tie up Toby while he’s lying on his bed. Ryan of course was all Mr Sober, so he finds the songs first, and one of them is called “Your Original” and the sheet music is blank. Do you think they meant ‘Original by Leftfield? Heh. This week they’re stripping it back and going acoustic. Gilby’s going to be playing ‘Solsbury Hill’, which just makes me think of that family-feelgood-movie Shining. Hopefully they’ve realised that they need to fight for that song. Ahh yes, they do. Dilana is wearing a flowered bathing cap. Ummm, what? She’s my least favourite this week, and I appreciate that this means that they’re cutting it so that she is this week’s villan – especially when they show a clip of Storm interviewing “I don’t even think Dilana wanted to sing ‘Solsbury Hill’ – she just wanted to fuck with Toby” . Lukas tells her that ‘Cat’s in the cradle’ would be awesome for Dilana, but she’s all “I wanna play with Gilby”. But she agrees to give the song to Toby if he strips off totally naked and runs around the pool. He says he was still half drunk so it would be a good idea – “and I just want to let everyone know it was a really cold day”. He’s wearing tight boxer shorts which are definitely the best kind of male underwear, but I still don’t understand why people go on about the hotness of him. Perhaps for Americans the accent is a novelty. He keeps his hat on when he does his run. Oooh he has some abs. But we don’t get to see penii. Zayra says she cannot believe what Dilana made him do. Umm, Zayra, we cannot believe what you make yourself do. So shut up. She fights with Ryan over the original song, saying she should get to do it because she’s always in the bottom three and might not get another chance. Ryan isn’t giving it up for her. Toby suggests to him that he should do ‘In the air tonight’ which I agree Ryan could kill, so he takes it. I’m intrigued to hear an original song from Zayra, to be honest. Can batshit insane people write songs? Let’s find out.
The House Band say it’s a pretty simple song to learn. Oh, it’s in another language. Spanish I suppose. Or Plutonian. Toby doesn’t get the ‘Solsbury’ beat. The bandleader calls him intense, and it’s cut together to make us think that he’s going to fuck it up. Storm’s singing ‘I will survive’. Ouch. Mostly that song makes me think of the version we sang at the last Hens’ Party I went to, which was all about men with tiny penises and thank god for batteries. Storm’s trying to mix up the song to make it not as disco. She’s freaking out about the arrangement, but I bet she’s going to be okay. I can’t wait to find out…
The Performance Show
This may not contain the usual level of detail and intrigue as my recaps usually do, so I apologise in advance, but I’m in a fuckload of pain, incredibly busy and in a fuck-off bad mood, in such a bad mood in fact that I’m considering taping the results show tonight and watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition instead tonight so that I can fully get my bawl on. Luckily Anji’s sent me through her notes so I can use them to flesh out this effort.
We get recaps of Vegas, but not of Dilana saying to Tommy how everyone else can go home cos she’s going to win this thing. Innnnteresting. I wonder how much Interweb access the rockers are given, and whether or not they get to watch the reality episodes while they’re updating their their-spaces. Speaking of the their-spaces, I’m sure that someone else must be writing Brooke’s because it seems a little too literate for her. I’m going to be talking more about their-spaces tonight, I think.
Tonight’s episode is going to be acoustic and stripped back, so what’s this? What’s Dave doing taking his shirt off? Oh right, he’s stripping it back. As is Tommy. Woo-ha! But the camera cuts away before they start comparing tattoos. I wish that the house band had issued a mighty badoom-CHISH for that terrible joke. But as always, they are consumate professionals. Is consumate the word I’m looking for here? I mean, other than in a “I want to consumate my love for the house band with them” kind of way. I don’t think it is. But I don’t care.
The rockers get berated again for not fighting harder for the chance to play with Gilby, except of course Toby who ran around the pool naked to win the chance. Tommy tells him that he has a nice ass, so Toby reverts to his psuedo Australian ‘mate’ ness again. Dick. And Zayra is congratulated on stepping up to sing an original when everyone else seems afraid. Speaking of original songs, remember the webisode when everyone wrote their own lyrics and Dilana’s was all “bring your lotion and bring your thong” and everyone on the forums said it was the Worst. Lyrics. Ever. and compared it to JD singing ‘We are the champions’? Well in her their-space Dilana’s like “I thought my song was great at the time”. Yeah and smoking that crack rock was awesome at the time too.
Speaking of crack rock, Zayra’s up first, wearing a sequined black bra and a giant red parachute. She stands behind a mike playing a guitar, and sings her original song, in Spanish. Her subduedness, and the fact that she’s not fucking up a song I like, means that this is my favourite performance of hers by a thousand miles, and behold the awesomeness of the lyric translation she posted: “Your crazy waves hitting my hungry hell / Until you make me want it”. Oh wait hang on, that’s not awesome, that’s laaaaaaaaame. Gilby says that it was nice to hear her do her thing but he’s not sure how it fits with Supernova, and everyone is like “duh!”.
Anji says: “NOT SuperNova! How will we know if the words are really really cheesy?? Is her song another Lilith Fair example? Do you think she?ll appeal to a wide audience if she is alienating so many with the language barrier? That said, I don?t actually mind the song.”
In the ‘stylist”s space, Miles has written that he’s got a lot of comments from people about how Magni needs to dress up more – well tonight, he’s been forced into a white suit. Supernova ask him if that’s the most dressed up he’s ever been except for his court appearence, and I’m intrigued. I still remember the cute cute baby, so I can forgive the white suit. Magni sings ‘Starman’ gorgeously, and cements his place as my total favourite. Gilby says he wishes Magni got the audience to sing along more, but that it was great anyway. Not the most rock’n roll ever, but what can you do with a string quartet? Before I forget, at one stage Supernova give the string quartet the big ups, and Dave’s all “I’d especially like to big up the blonde one” and she goes “eww, I learnt to play an instrument so that I wouldn’t have to make my living staring in creepy midget porn actually buddy, so why don’t you go back to your lameass wife that you’re divorcing and make another MTV show about that process?”. I’m astonished at how much she manages to convey with one cringe.
Anji says: “more Bowie? I thought that was pretty loungey and wondered if they?d accuse him of being too Vegas again. And a white suit is NEVER good. I thought he was perfectly pleasant, but not exciting, not intense.
Patrice has obviously been paying attention to TWOP comparing her hair to a cocker spaniel’s ears, and she’s got dready extensions in it. It looks awesome, but the dead cat hanging from a belt over bike shorts arrangement does her no favours. She sings ‘Message in a bottle’ and her voice is as always awesome, but Supernova do sleeping faces throughout it. She’s going to be the next to go, and I think she’s resigned to that now. Her their-space even says “Even if I don’t make it, I’ve got my album coming out pretty soon”. Does anyone actually want to win this?
Anji says: “I thought her voice was really pretty when she sang softly at the beginning of the song, and was something we hadn?t heard from her before. I thought she did really well, and I liked her hair too. Shame the boys weren?t so into it ? I liked it done the classic way.”
Lukas says in his their-space that he’s doing ‘Hero’ because it’s by a Canadian. You know what else is by a Canadian Lukas? The NAZIS. I mean, ‘Summer of ’69’, ‘Man, I feel like a woman’, ‘You remind me’. Blame Canadia eh? He’s got bare arms and a white collar which makes me think he’s Sonic the Hedgehog crossed with a Chippendale dancer, and that’s not a picture anyone should have in their head ever. I definitely prefer Lukas’s version to that of the (officially) ugliest man in rock, but Supernova nail him for sitting down, and also Jason goes on about how he’s closing his throat again. According to the TWOP insiders, the reason you don’t normally see many comments from Jason is not because he doesn’t say much but rather that he says too much and is hard to cut up into soundbites.
Anji says: “Lukas ? The song is GAY!!! But he sounded really good, and performed well, for someone who was sitting. Dumb excuse to say he was recovering from Vegas ? what kind of hard man is he??!! Nonetheless, I think they really like him and he could definitely be a contenda.”
Storm got stuck with ‘I will survive’ and sings it the best she could, in a suit so padded that even ‘Express Yourself’ era Madonna would turn it down. I don’t understand why she’s covering herself up so much. I mean, she’s told us to google, and I imagine that means we can see it all, so why oh why is she making such conservative clothing choices these days? Oh, apart from showing her ant segmentation last week. A thing I do really like about Storm though is that when others are singing and it cuts away to her, she’s always singing along and smiling, not scowling like Dilana or Lukas do if someone else is singing well. She tries to dediscofy the song, but it’s a bit of a mess. She takes the guitar part from Cake’s cover, but with the suit and all, boy, it just doesn’t work, and all of Supernova tell her that they hated it. She takes it very gracefully in her stride, and says that the song is pants, while Dave points out that Marty Casey did great things with ‘Baby one more time’ last season. Yeah, but that song KICKS ASS. And besides, he just did a cover of the Travis cover anyway. And if I’m getting all uppity about Marty Casey then this must mean I really like Storm.
Anji says: “Storm ? Once again, very stagey. I didn?t mind the arrangement ? I mean seriously, what can you do to help such an unbelievably AWFUL song?! But, ooh, NASTY trousers, and the shoulder pads?? I enjoyed Tommy?s comment very much (for once) ? ?saut?ed in wrong sauce?!! But I still think Storm?s awesome cos she just seems so composed and self-assured in the face of criticism.”
Toby of course ran around naked for ‘Solsbury Hill’, so it’s nice to know he’s stopped singing it “solbury” as he was in rehersal. I really have to quote the TWOP recaplet here because it nearly made me piss myself: “Supernova is impressed with Toby’s commitment, which suggests to me that Dilana really needs to stop trying to manipulate her fellow contestants. It always just backfires on her, and Wile E. Coyote? Not a rock star.” Does Gilby’s guitar really have a HEART for a hole? What’s he playing – a carebear? Toby sounds okay, but I wish he was Magni. Or maybe Marty Casey. And when he starts playing the bongos, I’m like no no no, and I laugh that Jason’s drumming along, but T’Lee’s all “Bitch, back the fuck away from the percussion or I will cut you down like a motherfucker”.
Anji says: “Toby ? I do love that song. I thought his voice sounded pretty good for it, but the Peter Gabriel one has more notes, more tonal variation, and he seems to have skipped some of that. Nice bongo, nasty screeching at the end. And shouldn?t the NAKED and the BONGOS have come together at the same time?”
Ryan says in his their-space that he’s officially the roller-coaster constestant. I must have missed the passing of that by-law, but okay, fair enough, one week you’re up and one week you’re down. This week he’s gone all Captain Ahab on us, standing on stage in a big black peacoat like he’s on the prow of a ship sailing on into the stormy night. I think he looks hot, but I’ve gone off him after reading his “please vote for me” crap. But when have I ever not fancied wankers, particularly if they have big noses and broody angst? Exactly. He’s singing ‘In the air tonight’ so I have ‘Stan’ quite firmly in my head when it starts, but he manages to push it away. You know, I can actually quite easily imagine him singing ‘Sussudio’ whilst wearing a plastic raincoat and cutting Jared Leto up with an axe. That would be awesome. But yes, an intense song, and an intense singer work well in combination together, and Dave says it was the best performance of the night, and I can agree with that. Jason’s been miming the “he’s CRUSHING IT” during the performance so I know he’s picturing Ryan in the band too.
Anji says: “Ryan ? Seriously, every time that man starts singing I think Creed. I know it?s a good voice, but it BUGS me. Maybe too common with power-ballad groups. He?s pretty good with his intense stare thing though. He would also suit the band I reckon. He?s certainly no snag. Good performance and vocals, it?s just a REVOLTING song. Nice work on the loud-to-quiet too!! The boys of the group are getting stronger?”
Dilana’s up last, just for a change, and Bart says “she looks like a witch, and like she’s trying to be a slut but she can’t” and that’s true. Her tatty short black flared-sleeve dress that laces up down the front looks like a rag Stevie Nicks would clean her car with. I am big with the Dilana-hating this week, so the editors of the webisode have done their work well. Dilana’s singing ‘Cat’s in the cradle’ and to be honest, it’s more boring than Ugly Kid Joe, and even they hate everything about her (If you don’t get that joke just yet, it’s okay, you can have Three Days Grace. Hahah HA. Oh I am fucking hilarious). And yet Supernova go nuts for it. I don’t get it. Dave’s all “if my dad wasn’t here right now I’d cry”. Blah blah blah. And they even say “sorry Ryan, but Dilana was better”.
Anji says: “Dilana ? I really do enjoy her voice. It strikes me every time. I think she got one of the lyrics wrong though! I liked it, but it wasn?t special. I hate to say it, but I think Ryan was better…”
Well, they said that Dilana was the best of the night, so I guess it’s not a stretch to say she’ll probably get the encore, and maybe Ryan too. And I guess they’d go non-accoustic. The bottom three will be Patrice, and maybe Storm and Zayra, with Patrice going home. Anji says “BOTTOM 3: – Storm, Zayra, Magni (not borne out by initial results, but we?ll see)”
Just for laughs, this is the elimination order I think it will go in:
8. Patrice – always the same thing
7. Zayra – people will revolt if she gets much further. There’s no way she’d ever front the band.
6. Toby – he can’t quite cut it with the big boys.
5. Storm – she’ll never make her stage presence less theatrical, and if she gets another bad song, she’s outta there.
4. Ryan – can’t rock it out enough
3. Lukas/Magni – this one’s a toughy, cos Lukas doesn’t open up his throat enough, but Magni might not be insane enough for the band, plus he might just decide to give up so he can get back to his family.
2. Dilana – a woman is NOT going to win, but they’ll take her to the edge to pretend like she might.
1. Magni/Lukas – see my previous comments.
OH. MY. GOD. They finally did it. Thank fuck.
So they recap the previous night and repeat everyone cringing at Storm’s song, and she takes it manfully in her stride, and Dave tells her he wished she’d done it ironically like cake, but that he knows he can give her criticism because he knows that she more than anyone can take it. Which is true, because Storm is fucking awesome and every time she makes “what? How could they be in the bottom three?” faces and sings along with whichever rocker is on stage I love her a little bit more.
Then Supernova go and land a surprise on me, which is that they’re going to pick someone to sing an original Supernova song with them, and the audience starts screaming for Dilana as if they know something I don’t. Dammit, how’d that happen? They cut to a clip of everyone in the recording studio and do a montage of all the rockers singing a line, and Jason says that the competition is by no means over, but there’s one person who did something different. And Gilby’s all like “well you all think that a woman can’t lead our band” and I’m like Gilby, is that a shout-out? And so of course Dilana gets up, and she’s got her hair scraped up into a fauxhawk, and man, I just hate her. It turns out that the song she’s singing, which is something like ‘leave the lights on’ fits in quite well with her “Bring your lotion and your thong” school of lyric writing, because the chorus goes something like “leave the lights on, because everything else in the room is going to be off”. I guess they’re unplugging the clock radio then… And then the thing happens that means that I know that neither Ryan nor Magni will be winning this competition, because they’d have more intergrity (or faux intergrity in Ryan’s case, perhaps) – booty dancers come out, dressed like they’re fresh off the set of a Paula Abdul video, and they shake their thangs all over the stage and surge around Dilana, and I’m texting WHAT. THE. FUCK. ? to various people, because ewww!
And then it all makes sense as to why they could declare Dilana the best performance of the night before, because people would expect her to get the encore, but instead it goes to Ryan, and I really like his performance again, but that might be because he reminds me so much of a combination of many young men that I have known that I can almost taste his cock in my mouth. This means that he and Magni have both had two encores, and that makes me happy. And yet, Magni is in the bottom five, along with Storm, which makes Dave unhappy, and non-suprisingly Patrice, Toby and Zayra.
Zayra sings first, and announces she’s going to be doing a very serious, intense song called ‘Razor Blade’ by Blue October, and that she’s going to be doing a very serious, intense performance. Silly me, I didn’t realise that ‘serious and intense’ meant “heavy breathing, screaming and turning around to show your panties”. Perhaps this is why I will never be famous. Patrice is not surprised to be in the bottom three, but she steps up her game and says she’s going to take a risk and do something rocky instead of the ballad she had planned, so she takes on both the Hole curse and the ‘do better than Lukas, ha ha’ snark, and performs ‘Celebrity Skin’. The TWOP recaplet says at least she doesn’t forget the words, but um, she kind of does, she fucks up verses beyond the point of what they must do in order to shorten the songs, and she can tell that she’s doing it too, but she covers it up much much better than Lukas. She also wanders around the audience, and the stages and goes and sings to Supernova, putting delicious tasty emphasis on the “have you ever felt so used up as this?” lyrics, which is what Lukas should have done in the first place, and so despite the fact that she’s wearing a white shirt that looks not unlike a strait jacket, she does pretty well. She’s definitely a better singer that Courtney, but I have no idea if she’s as a good a lyricist.
Last in the bottom three is Magni, which is received widely with boos, but I am happy because I know it means I get to hear him sing twice. He decides to go for ‘Betterer than Lukas Part Deux’ and picks ‘Creep’, which he says he chose because it’s an anthem for his generation. Awww it’s adorable because it’s true. He does a pretty much straight forward cover, so it includes the chuuuuuuur ch ch ch guitar shift into the chorus, and that is awesome. And he’s so much more authentic than Lukas, and oh hey, what’s that water trickling down my face out of the corner of my eye? Ummm, I must be warming up for Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Honest. Plus I have so much love for his beanie and tree of life tshirt combination. Supernova of course tell him that he is miles away from going home, so they send him back to the other rockers while they debate Zayra’s risk-taking versus Patrice’s always-in-the-bottom-threeness. In the end, they decide that Patrice has more potential for their band, and just like that, the reign of Crazy is over. Which means that my predictions were wrong. Crazy.
I can’t wait til next week! Except it’s request week, where they’re going to be doing old songs again, unless you go and cast your votes for them all to do the ‘wildcard’ songs. Which others have done before, but still something new is better than the same thing again.