Rockstar: Supernova – Week Nine

Reality / Performance / Results


This is the first episode that I’m watching on my laptop at home, and I should warn you that it’s making a crazy ticking sound and is too hot, so I suspect that it may blow up. Bear with me.

Previously on Rockstar, apparently everyone did great performances and then Dilana said stupid shit everywhere. As a poster on the TWOP forums said “Her ‘oh I’m new at this’ carries no water, because wasn’t she like, huge in Holland?” – those wacky Dutch people. And Patrice went home, surprisingly enough.

I must also mention now my favourite new thing from the TWOP forums – Stagni shippers – or Ice Storm, which is of course people who dig on Magni and Storm, and possibly even the two of them together. One poster even said “they’re totally making this out to be like X-Men the good guys Magni Storm and Toby vs the baddies Dilana, Lukas and Ryan – they even have the costumes”. Haha it’s funny because it’s true.

Dilana says that when they got back from Eliminations, you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. Storm tries to drink to Dilana’s first spanking, but Dilana doesn’t want to toast it. Ryan says he won’t talk bad about people because he needs to sleep at night,a nd what Dilana says about him won’t affect him, it’ll affect her. Oh yeah? How about what you said about Dana then eh Ryan? She’s all “I was being myself, I don’t know what I was supposed to say”. She’s all “I’m just an imperfectg person”. Lukas wants to take it back for her, and that’s just his strategy talking. Apparently Supernova laid into her for a full half hour at the elimination taping, but you know what? Who gives a fuck? You’re a dick, Dilana. I’m all with the hating on you like the TWOP forums hate on the final episode of Gilmore Girls season six (with good reason, because WHAT. THE. FUCK. happened there?). But back on Rockstar, Magni goes to hug Dilana and she breaks her glass and storms off, and a bit of glass hits him in the face. Right, that’s it, bitch! You don’t cut up my Magni and get off scott free. Lukas is like “what if that’d hit him in the eye?” and they all go to see if Magni is okay, because of course since Magni is a grown-up, he has chosen to remove his bleeding head from the camera in order to try and tone down the drama. Awww, give him a cuddle Ryan. Lukas says “we’re all professionals and we should learn to govern ourselves properly”. Good fucking point. Also, have I mentioned lately how Lukas is like 2 feet tall?

Dilana gets to cry on Storm’s boobies, and how is that fair? Toby cleans up the broken glass, and Ryan says Dilana’s had the sweetest ride so far and yet she’s self-destructing. And to prove that, we see her sitting on a window ledge, wondering how she can fix it. Jump Dilana, jump!

But seriously kids, suicide’s not cool. Unless a rockstar does it first. But no rockers would ever kill themselves, right?

The next day, they have a photoshoot for In Touch and Dilana’s all “i’ve been crying all night and my eyes are puffy” because the world is like, totally ending. Storm used to model (dirty pictures, I bet), so she climbs straight up on the table and poses all hott and filthylike without any guidance. Toby’s all shy Australian, so he says he’s not so good at it, but he’s wearing a cuff, so he gets bonus points. Lukas wears a huge medallion, and talks in his non-English voice. Is he like, French Canadian? Or just drunk all the time? The photographer tries to get Ryan to smile, and Ryan of course looks all intense. Magni interviews that he’s done a lot of photoshoots before, and I remind myself that I need to search for his band’s mp3s since I’ve got my own computer back. He has problems with the photoshoot, because he is a genuine person and doesn’t want to fake it. But I love that this brings in America’s Next Top Model elements because that’s my second favourite reality show. Dilana’s all “I have so much going on in my head, but I have to be strong”. Oh gee, your life is so hard Dilana. Tell us more about the mean streets you came from.

Song selection is Fan Selection week, so the public have chosen what they’re going to be singing. I should point out, that song selection was limited to three songs they’d already sung and one song that someone else had sung, which is ass. Lukas gets ‘Lithium’, and some fan comments. He’s all “Maybe the fans want to see me show up Dilana and it’s going to be fun to see what I do with it. I’m not going to be wearing a hoodie and then exploding it at the end” Heh. People making fun of Dilana is funny. Magni gets ‘I Alone’. Storm gets ‘Bring me to life’ and says it’s hard. Ryan gets ‘Clocks’ by one percent ahead of ‘Losing my religion’, which is much closer than anyone else’s votes for a rehash.A fan says she wants to hear his falsetto, and he’s like “woah, this is what the fans say, and that’s important’. Dilana gets ‘Mother, Mother’ and she says it was chosen for her by her fans. Except that that’s what I voted for, and I’m not her fan. Hahaha, suck it, bitch. Woah, so angry. I need to chill out. Toby thanks Ryan’s mum for writing on all their fansites. Heh.

Lukas is playing his guitar on ‘Lithium’ to demonstrate that he’s a real musician, but he says he doesn’t even like the song. Umm, what the fuck? Did you really just say on TV that you don’t like a Nirvana song? That’s it, hobbit – you’re off my Xmas card list. And then he says it AGAIN. You’re stupid. And Paul interviews that Dilana loved the song and that made her better at it than Lukas. Dilana, meanwhile is trying to strum away at her acoustic guitar, and I’m not even sure that she can play. Oh okay, maybe a little bit. But oh the irony of her singing a song aboiut her mother when she all doesn’t talk to her, etc etc. So she gets her redemption – isn’t that convenient? They could have strung the villan arc out longer. Nevermind.

Reality / Performance / Results


So apparently there’s been a bit of drama in the Rockstar Mansion lately. Who knew? Well, you did, because you read it here. And you probably watched it too. But did everyone else? Just in case anyone missed it, and also because they only have six songs and are therefore in desperate need of filler, we get to see it all over again, Dilana’s “breakdown”, etc etc. Supernova make shocked faces, but only Dave talks to her about it, therefore allowing the band to keep themselves totally clean so that when they eliminate Dilana because dude, there’s no way that there’s going to be a woman fronting the band.

Anji says “EVERYONE LOVES A REDEEMED SINNER – is the theme of the show?. Do you thin kit was all a PR set-up to make people ?re-love? Dilana??!!” Gee, do you think, Anji?

Now, the more observant amongst you might recall that in week nine last year, contestants sang the fans’ choices as well as their own original numbers (And also when it was down to just six contestants is when we got ‘Wish you were here’ and ‘Imagine’, which have yet to be met). But do you think Supernova want to have their own poor song-writing skills compared to that of the rockers? Hell no. So instead, we get long versions of the six songs, which is nice as well, I suppose.

First up is Lukas singing ‘Lithium’, despite his Nirvana hatred. He makes it pianoy at first, but then it becomes more like the original. He sings in a cross between his singing voice and his growly voice, but still sounds a fair bit like Bobcat Goldthwaite, or however his name is spelt. Dave does that whole “You took a classic song and rearranged it to that?……………. I loved it” fake fake-out, and I’m like oh my god, you are worse at this than Joey on Friends, plus how often have you done that this season?

Anji says “Lukas ? why oh why the piano??!! Angie doesn?t like the piano! Is he going to get told off for closing his throat? I did not enjoy it. And Dave Navarro is soooo predictable. I don?t understand what is with the Lukas-love. Should I read something into it? Do they want him and only him?!”

Magni, replescent in a pretty white jersey and no bleeding from the head tells the camera that everyone needs to start voting for him even if they’re not from Iceland and he makes fun of the other boys’ countries of origin in a way that you know that he’s just gently ribbing, like I want him to gently rib me. Umm, sorry what? I was just drooling. He’s singing ‘I Alone’ and his veins pop out while he wanders around the audience. As always he is great, but I’m not big on Live, his accoustic version aside. The judges love him too, and Gilby says “I know you want this” in perhaps the only shout out to Dilana’s dickheadedness.

Anji says “Magni ? Magni ? he so funny!! Is he wearing eyeliner for the first time?? This performance and vocal effort is at least as good as Ryan?s. And he?s hotter. And he?s taking it to the boys ? smart career move! Nice work.”

Ryan starts out playing ‘Clocks’ on his grand piano, and ends up humping it and rolling around like he’s Michelle Pfiefffer in 1988. Innnnteresting. I think the piano thing was a mistake – not in terms of humping it, but rather how it shows Supernova that he clearly has his own thing going on with it, and Gilby isn’t Slash and won’t climb on top to solo (in fact, many people on the TWOP forums say Gilby can’t even solo at all, but I’m no guitar expert).

Anji says “Ryan ? I don?t like the histrionics at the beginning. His performance is great, but I think his falsetto?s pretty shaky. Not sure about sliding around on the grand piano like Michelle Pfeiffer though! He?s definitely in ? he?s pretty popular.” And I say ooh, is that how you spell Pfieffer?

Did you know Brooke was pregnant? Me neither. She’s having a girl, apparently, according to her their-space.

Storm does ‘Bring me to life’ in a red dress, but it’s not very good. Mostly because the song is a piece of crap, and also it so doesn’t suit her. Poor Storm. And Gilby even says that Toby stole the show from her doing the backing vocals. With suspenders hanging around his ass. Why oh why?

Anji says: “Storm ? She?s easily the best of the 3 attempts at this song. But I HATE the song! So that doesn?t help. It was good to have Toby though. She did start off a bit lower than usual, I agree, and it is also sadly true that Jill?s performance was more memorable. But I suspect that has more to do with the fact that this was a departure from Jill?s usual awfulness, and also she kicked Zayra?s butt, which is always fun! (if you can find it!)”

Toby then does ‘Rebel Yell’ and it’s very similar to when he sang ‘White Wedding’. He did sing that, right? At the end he hauls a bunch of girls up on stage with him (side note: the producers admit to paying 25 hot girls each week to be in the audience so that the camera has someone to focus on) and dances with them. Supernova naturally go crazy for this shit, and I’m reminded of how the TWOP forums are buzzing that maybe Toby’s the best guy for the job, because he doesn’t really have his own style, he’s just a great big larrikan and would certainly get on with T’Lee. He’s mallable and comes across as stupid as their songs. So maybe I agree. Plus, I don’t love on Toby at all, so I wouldn’t mind if that was his fate. He does get props for clearing up Dilana’s glass mess though.

Anji says “Toby ? Gotta love this song!! Nice crowd-wrangling (I?m SURE it was ?spontaneous?!!). Great singing and performance too. I enjoyed it a lot, and I liked his comment re ?id?.” id? Oh right, ID – T’Lee was like, “right, let’s grab those girls and go party in my dressing room” and Toby was like “maybe we should check some IDs first”. And I nearly fell off my chair in laughter. Nice work Toby. But yeah, I still wanna sleep with Tommy Lee and that disgusts me too, don’t you worry. Well, do worry if you like.

Dilana goes last, just for a change, and plays a flying V and I think that right there sums up her music credibility. She looks 54, not 34, and sure she plays okay but man, I just hate on her so much, especially when she climbs up a carefully placed amp to sit on the Russian bassist’s shoulders. So. Calculated. And I hate how this episode was all about her redemption arc. She so hasn’t redeemed herself. Puke puke.

Anji says “Dilana ? Very KISS. Nah, I think she sounds awesome. Her performance was a little bit manic, but her vocals rocked. I just really really like her voice. And it helps that I quite like the song.”

So Storm was definitely the worst of the night, but they’re not going to send her home yet becasue that’d leave just one woman. Instead, if my darling precious Magni hits the bottom three for the third time in a row, it may very well be him, which is why I voted for him three times to keep him out. Or maybe they’ll think Ryan’s thing is just too different from theirs.

Anji says: “My bottom 3 ? Lukas, Ryan & Storm. My picks for bottom 3 ? Magni, Storm & Toby”.
Reality / Performance / Results


Previously on Rockstar, Dilana Dilana Dilana. And Brooke Burke says that Dilana had a heartfelt apology, but when they repeat what she said, it was all “I am a human, I messed up, but I’m back and I’m stronger”. Is that South African for “I’m sorry”? I’m pretty sure it’s not eh, so that doesn’t really qualify as an apology to me. In fact, it’s just more asshattery.

Supernova have found the solution to their crap lyric writing ability – get Lukas to sing. I seriously couldn’t understand a word he was saying, it was a whole new language. What a cunning plan.

Toby gets the encore but doesn’t bring the girls up again. Instead, he does what Magni wanted to do last night “but I didn’t want to get out of the stage lights” (heh) and prowls around the whole audience, revealing what maybe we weren’t supposed to know, which is that Rockstar is filmed in a CBS studio that’s been built to look exactly like the Mayan Theatre that the first episode of Season One was filmed in last year.

Brooke confirms what people on the TWOP boards had been saying as they had problems with voting, that last night saw the biggest amounts of votes ever, and I realise that I am a superhero because I voted for Magni ten times, and saved him while every single other person was in the bottom three at some stage. Wahoo! Although I’m disappointed not to get to hear him again, naturally.

Ryan is the first in the bottom three, and he tells Supernova that he’s going to blow their minds with ‘Baba O’Reilly’. He sprays convieniently opened champagne over the audience, and Toby jumps up to take the bottle over to the rockers. When he climbs up on the speaker stacks, we get a cut to Gilby leaning back in his chair going “clicheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”.

Storm cheers when she finds out that she’s in the bottom three, and says she’s happy any time she gets to rock out with that band, and I’m like “hell yeah!” because more people need to give props to the house band. She does ‘Helter Skelter’ and spanks the snot out of it, running all over the stage, through the audience and jumping on the laps of T’Lee and Gilby (man, I hope she double-bagged it). This is as close to her ‘Anything Anything’ performance as she’s done, and it was such a good song choice for her, even if Patrice had already done the song.

And the final person in the bottom three is ooooooooooh Dilana, who says that this is her redemption. No honey, you don’t get to choose your redemption, the word you are looking for is penance. And you are still wrong. She perhaps has no idea about what the hell irony actually is either, except for that thing that Alanis sang about, and so she does ‘Psycho Killer’. And she’s in bare feet and a long skirt, and it’s just crap. At least, I think it is. But of course, Supernova aren’t about to send her home, so she gets to sit down first.

They say that Ryan’s come the most far (except that they even use worse grammar than that), but that Storm hasn’t progressed at all. Enough with the Storm-hating, boys! Just because she could spank your asses six ways til Sunday and would box the fuck out of you if you tried anything she wasn’t in control of. And then they say that Ryan has to go, without saying that he wasn’t right for the band, but we all know that’s true. He’s Intense, they are Thongs and Lotion.

Ryan’s wrapup interview is fucking AWESOME in its audacity. He says that he was the best performer, and again that Supernova could have had a 20 year career, and without him they won’t have two years. Then he bitches that when Gilby Clarke said his performances had been getting better and better he hadn’t done his research, unlike Jason, because if he’d ever seen him perform before he would never have said that. And he says that he’s going to release an album straight away and go to the top of the charts. Is that your tongue in your cheek, Ryan? Oh no, it’s just your oversized nose. Well, I’m still going to download ‘Back of your car’. One day. Until then, bye bye.

Also in bottom three interviews: Dilana says she wasn’t surprised, and that maybe next week she will climb on some amplifiers. Instead of the Russian bassist? Good idea. Or perhaps you could stop being an asshat and maybe people might vote for you again. Maybe. And Storm says that the bottom three is just another chance to rock out. That’s the spirit girl!

Reality / Performance / Results

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