Previously on Rockstar I lost all respect for Gilby and instead fell in love with Jason when he cried as Storm sang ‘Wish You were here’ and I cried then too, and then cried when Storm was kicked out. And then I spent the week listening to Storm and Lukas’s originals.
We’re all voting for Magni this week, right? But not because we want him to win, but rather that we’re buying into the conspiracy that T’Lee hates him and we want to piss off T’Lee.
Toby says he can’t believe he’s got a car, and according to the internets, somewhere Mig is saying “you know what, I never got my car”. The rockers talk about Storm, and it makes me sad, but then Dilana is interviewed and I get angry again and want to give her a double jab, cross, jab, right uppercut. Magni goes over to the piano and starts playing ‘Karma Police’ and Dilana comes over and starts rasping with him and I’m like “SHUT UP BITCH” but then luckily Toby slips her a pie and so she shoves it in Magni’s face. And I won’t talk about how much I’d like to lick him clean again because I don’t want to cheapen him.
But oooh, speaking of Mig, he shows up to give Toby the keys to his HONDA ELEMENT. Because what the world.. needs now… is S. U. Vs. They’re the only thing that can kill… all the trees. Hehehe. Mig forever shatters the stereotype of Australians being dumb by saying “One of you is going to be the lead singer of Supernova…. but three of you aren’t”. That’s some smooth mathing, Mig. But then he proves why Rockstar is a thousand times better than Idol, by also warning them that they’re not very likely to get record contracts just like that. Oooh but he signed with Universal and his album is going to be out in January 2007. Nice plug there.
Lukas interviews that as soon as Mig said “you might not win” he switches off his mind because he wouldn’t have come here if he didn’t want second place. Toby says “I won a car!” like he no longer cares about winning, which is funny because he’s the only one I can really see fitting into Supernova. Plus as the forums have cackled, Lukas couldn’t win the car because even an SUV isn’t big enough to fit in his ego.
The rockers then go crazy because their photos are hanging in the song selection room. Toby’s, naturally is one of him surrounded by girls. He says to Magni “She’s from Melbourne” and Magni’s all “How do you know that?” and Toby says her name is Ashley. Magni incredulously is like “Oh my god, you know their names!” like Toby is a total horn dog into the groupies or something (fact: he’s the only single person in the house, apparently, although Ryan started big rumours of a relationship going on with a girl who had a partner and someone else. Many speculate it was Lukas and Patrice, although she had a girlfriend. I like to picture IceStorm/Stagni but have too much respect for both of them to think it’s true. Let’s move on).
Dilana says their pictures captured their personalities. Oh really? Cos I thought that pictures capture the soul. Magni says the pictures are more important than the cars and clothes and phones that they got (and he avoids product placement), while Toby laughs at Lukas’s fishmouth in the picture and says it’s humanly impossible. Heee!
For song selection, they’re singing their originals again, and then they get to choose through the whole music library of the season. As Paul said, the house band have had to learn 200 songs for the season. <3. They're so awesome. Anyway, as the rockers read out the names of the songs they remember all the ones who have left, such as Magni saying "Duran Duran anyone? Matt, I still love you!" and calling Phil crazy, and Dilana telling Toby that if he's going to sing 'Jenny 7568' he has to wear the outfit, and Toby's like "Pffffft (evs) yeah totally". Hehe, I'd like to see that. And they laugh about 'Born to mild', and then I almost wet myself at Magni's impression of Lukas singing 'Don't Panic'. Lukas, however, does not look nearly as impressed. Hahah suck it, Lukass.
Oh, then they find four new songs that haven't been played yet, including 'Fix You', which is of course O.C soundtrack music, and I have a special kind of hate in my heart for that song, because just before Xmas my Oma died, and while Anji and I were sitting at the hospital with her waiting for the rest of the family to show up, and I’d already been feeling like a TV show – specifically Willow in ‘The Body’ episode of Buffy freaking out about how I was in a singlet and sunburnt and it was so undignified, I heard ‘Fix you’ drifting in from a radio somewhere, and I was Not. Happy about the soundtracking of my real life.
But we will ignore that in favour of going squee at Magni singing ‘Comfortably Numb’ with his accoustic guitar. And now Dilana and Lukas are both wanting it. Magni’s like “we have 150 songs and everyone’s fighting over one”. Magni pushes ‘Fix you’ towards Lukas and starts strumming, and they sing, and Lukas gives ‘Comfortably Numb’ to Dilana. And then he interviews “if you can’t sing any song – and literally we had every song, then why are you here?”. Literally. Every song. Ever. I would have liked to see him bust out ‘Tu teramai nga iwi’ if that’s that case, but EVS. And then of course Dilana decides she wants to go for ‘Roxanne’, which of course Chris fucked up so bad at the start of the season that it became the new JD doing ‘We are the champions’. Dilana singing ‘Roxanne’ sounds okay, but mostly because Magni’s in the shot playing his guitar. And so no one sings ‘Comfortably Numb’ – and I think I agree with a poster on the TWOP forum who hypothesizes that Dilana has never actually heard the song in the first place. Except for maybe the Scissor Sisters version. And then Dilana decides she’s super proud of herself and her supersoul because at the start of the season she wouldn’t have taken that song.
And after Lukas sang ‘Headspin’ (which I think is not a very nice song) about his mother, he’s singing ‘Fix You’ for his father, and hopes he’ll see it and the song will fix their relationship. Riiiight. Dilana meanwhile is doing an unplugged version of ‘Roxanne’, saying that Chris rearranged it and fucked it up and she’s not going to do that. And we get an interview with Paul who is struuuuggling to remain diplomatic while basically saying she’s a total fuckwit. He conveys that with a “………. I personally don’t really care for her arrangement, but music is a subjective thing”. Dilana, of course, however, interviews “if I get crucified for my arrangement, then whoever crucifies me for it needs their head read, because it’s stunning the way I’m doing it”. Hey interwebs, let’s grab a hammer and some nails eh?
Over audio of Toby singing ‘Karma Police’ Magni says he’ll miss the guys in the house, but he misses the people back home. So i guess he’s packed his bags and isn’t expecting to win then? Dilana’s all “they’re the family I never had!” which is why she’s fucked up so badly I suppose. Lukas says it’s all overwhelming man, in just a few days man. Toby folds up his Australian flag. I just figured out that he’s actually Colby from Survivor. And then there’s a long shot of them all leaning on their guitars looking at the pool. And we only hear Lukas and Toby talking about how they might win this thing. Hmm….
First, an announcement. I’m going out to Food Baby tonight, as I generally do on Thursdays, so please don’t text me spoilers. Please please please.
Second. I want Toby to win. I want this because he’s the best fit, and because I want to piss off Dilana. I want Magni to come third, because I want to piss off T’Lee, and also because I want him to get the credit he deserves. I want the band to just ‘fess up about how they don’t want a chick singer and just send Dilana home first. And if you want another reason to laugh at Dilana, check out her solo video.
Third, the performance show! We get some oh no not at all biased cut (it skims and hugs all your curves!) footage of the rockers’ journeys to the final four, mentioning Magni’s two trips to the bottom 3 and implying that he only got his groove on when he did ‘Fire’ (umm, hell the fuck o, what about ‘Dolphin’s Cry’? Bitch made me cry. Or even that he got the encore in Week 3), but saying that Dilana went from strength to strength. Riiight. And Toby gets a buildup story, while Lukas has a reigning champion type one, although I think those actual words were used to describe Dilanadrama, not him.
But before we get down to them actually singing, we get a special encore performance voted for by people with VERIZON WIRELESS CELLPHONES. And while I was hoping for Matt or Dana, and the TWOP forums were calling for Zayra, it just so happens that Mark Burnett is producing a certain R.Star’s record, and so of course, it’s Ryan who comes back to announce that he’s put out an album called Dark Horse. OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD. This man thinks that irony is that thing on the periodic table represented by FE. After a pukey pukey “thanks for this amazing oppotunity Supernova” speech as if he didn’t make the goodbye that he did, he sings ‘Back of your HONDA ELEMENT’. For the first time (because um, i haven’t listened to this song a fuckload or anything. Ahem), I realise that he’s singing about having the sexing with a lady in the back of her car, and yet he’s singing “you won’t be sad, but you won’t be satisfied”. Ha HA! I suppose at least he’s honest. Maybe more people should use that as a pick-up style. “Hey baby, you wanna come home with me? I’ll tweak your nipples like they’re a volume dial, make a couple of cursory stabs at your vag with me fingers and then stick my cock in, pump for about thirty seconds then collapse on top of you. It’ll be AWESOME!”. And Ryan gets a car too, and it appears that Lizzie Grubman did the PR for this show, since the car is parked in the middle of the audience. Hahah, seriously, this recap is very funny today, with that and the bias cut joke. I’m on fire. And I’m not just talking about my loins every time that Magni is on stage.
Once we return from the ads, Toby does ‘Karma Police’ and I’m like meh, this is like a singalong around a camp fire. But then Magni joins him on guitar for the oh oh oh oh song, and, as the TWOPers say, it is a performance full of what they term ‘HoYay’ or “hurrah for homosexual undertones” as Toby cuddles up to Magni to sing and write “EVS” on the back of his head. Gilby talks about the energy that Toby brings to the stage and Dave also gives him a tongue bathing. And the person in the audience holding up a “Rand Wagon!” sign makes me both throw up a little in my mouth and wet my panties in delight at the stupid but perfectness of it as a team name. And speaking of throwing up in my mouth, Paula FUCKING Abdul is sitting in the audience, and gets cut to quite often, leading Dave to say “And Paula’s here to see some real singing” – and perhaps to teach the rockers how to slur all their words. Of course, Lukas will have a headstart on that bit…
Lukas sings ‘Fix You’ and my feelings about this song have already been discussed. He cuts the really high part short to progress the song quicker to the rockier bit, and in parts he actually uses his singing voice rather than his growly voice, so it’s okay, but not outstanding. A forum poster pointed us to a myspace page of a woman who claims to be his vocal coach, who says that people who drop their jaws are more likely to damage their vocal chords, so it’s possible that he’s all conflicted, but who knows? He sings ‘Headspin’ with just an accoustic guitar, and while he sings a little better than previously, I really miss the rolling drum and the guitar parts of the myspace version of it.
And now let’s just take a moment to talk about that myspace page. I mean, it’s what the kids are down with, right? And so therefore should be a pretty good way to tell what the kids are into. So on Lukas’s band Rise Electric’s page, ‘Headspin’ has been played 36,373 times. That’s pretty sweet, even if 20 of them were me. But Toby’s Juke Kartel page shows that his song ‘Throw it all away’ has been played 45,862 times. But you know who has more than three times the number of plays than Toby, which sort of disproves the Mark Burnett conspiracy theory and supports him as a guy who’s somewhat on to it? Ryan on 159,854 plays. So Ryan’s top of the Rockstar game, right? Oh wait, hang on, there’s also a certain Miss Storm, whose ‘R’ rated version of ‘Ladylike’ has racked up 114,507 plays. Wait a minute, you’re saying, 114,507 all the rest put together. Suck a fuck, Gilby Clark.
(We will be very quiet about the fact that the A M?ti S?l page shows only 18 plays of some random pop song that has parts that sound like ‘Luka’ and the rest is insanely sunny and just odd. It’s in fricking Viking after all…)
Remember how Dilana tore a calf muscle? She certainly doesn’t want you to forget it, as she makes sure she has a cane in sight whenever she’s sitting down. And yet, somehow as she performs, she can walk all over the place just fine and do her high kicks. (A TWOP poster says “I figure it’s like the end of Attack of the Clones, when Yoda hobbles in on his cane and he goes, “Count Dooku, calling you out I am.” And Count Dooku goes, “Bring it, beeyotch.” Then Yoda ditches his cane and pulls out his little green lightsaber and goes nuts.” Heee! Although I’m not a Star Wars geek, obvs.) I really really wish she wasn’t doing those kicks, and it’s not just because they’re dumb. Oh no. Tonight she’s wearing a dress that’s cut so I can see out of her nose. Up her vaginal passage. And you know that’s going to be an acidic journey to take. Shudder. Dilana of course sings better ‘Roxanne’ better than Chris did, even though it was pretty uncool of her to say so, and gives us a HoYay! moment with all the boys on backing. One of Supernova tells her that it was smart to make them her backing band, and she makes a face like “Damn, I wish I’d thought of that”. And then before she sings ‘Supersoul’ she impassionately says
“This song is not a rebel song. This song is ‘Sunday Bloody Sunday’” “this is not an angry song, it’s a freedom song” and everyone’s like oh yeah that’s right, we totally didn’t see you say that you wanted to write a fuck you to your fans and control alt delete them”. and she gets a tongue bathing that makes me nauseous.
Magni’s appearence on stage just makes me giggly and smiley and I lean forward to pay special attention and just bask in his glow because of his awesomeness and the way he just seems to be totally a part of the House Band. I know that they play extra specially hard for him because they feel his musicianship, and then I fantasize about them ‘feeling his musicianship’ as him and Rafel duel and have even more HoYay when they play each other’s guitars as he storms his way through ‘Hush’ by Deep Purple and Gilby looks on like “oh, is that what a good guitar play looks like? I must make a note of that”. His performance is utterly electrical, and so so natural. I can’t gush about it enough. His original grips me a lot more this time too, but then of course his number one hater T’Lee is like “I can’t even remember a single line of that”. Really T’Lee? Because I can’t remember a single supernova song, or a Motley Crue one other than ‘Girls Girls Girls’ and ‘Dr Feelgood’. You are so off my list of people that I want to catch veneral diseases from. And just for that, I spent half an hour voting for Magni online. I love you Magni. I hope you come here with the House Band. That’d be awesome. But of course, he will be the next to go home. Jason pretty much said so at the end with his “thank you for your closing performances tonight” speech. Waah.
Okay, here we go, Russell.
So. That was emotional. No really. I was expecting to watch Rockstar on tape after the usual Thursday Food Baby with many bottles of wine, but because Helen and Katy have been so busy lately with Real Hot Bitches lately, it got cancelled. So I took my red wine and my unset chocolate mousse (I overwhipped the cream and it started to seperate. Normally our family’s chocolate mousse is so sex that when I post the recipe I’m going to have to lock it down to Level 2 because of the indecent content) spilling all over the car seat to Anji’s house, via massive traffic jams through the Hataitai tunnel and a total lack of parking near Domino’s. I was having a very bad stomach pain day too, and when I got to her house the people who were moving in since she’s moving out were showing people through the house and they were talking and talking and it was a reminder of how much I need a flatmate so I was like aaaaaaaaaaaargh anyway and was close to having an anxiety attack and I was in a filthy bad mood. I appreciate this is supposed to be a rockstar recap, but I want to demonstrate the emotional state that I was in before we got started. Okay? Okay.
Now, I spent far too much time yesterday checking out previous Rockstar performances on Youtube, which has the advantage of not only showing the fucking annoying VERIZON WIRELESS commercials before every clip but also including the judges’ comments. You should look up Jordis doing ‘Baba O’Reilly’, which was the very first song performed and the one that told us that there was actually going to be some talent in this show. In fact, I was feeling so fucking nostalgic already I even watched Zayra singing ‘Jenny’ again. Yes, it’s been an obsessive winter. And that obsessiveness was enough to observe that Brooke was wearing the same marijuana leaf dress again, which means that the programme we were watching must have been taped on the Sunday along with the performances. Of course, the fact that in NZ we had a two hour finale, while in Australia it was 90 minutes and in the USA only one hour should have clued us in to the fact that we were just going to be getting a retread of what has happened over the season. This time though it was cut a little less biasedly. And I get to laugh at my bias cut joke again, and point out that if you didn’t know who Lizzie Grubman was in my previous recap you might not have appreciated that she was a PR bitch who drove her SUV through the crowd waiting outside a nightclub in the Hamptons. Um, not that I’m also obsessed with Gawker or anything, oh no.
Anyway, so we get a whole hour of nostalgia and me screaming “TAKE SOME FUCKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR FUCKING OWN ACTIONS DILANA! This shit isn’t just happening to you, you’re causing it.” And like Willow in ‘Graduation Part I’ I even went “awww” at people I had disliked in the past, like Zayra. Anji tried to say that Patrice showed herself to be a catty bitch, but I don’t believe that’s the case. After all, she’s a lesbian. Although she pashed a boy in Vegas. Evs. Haha, speaking of evs, who else caught Lukas saying it really early on when they were writing songs together in groups? It’s weird to look back not just on the rockers but also on what I wrote about them at the time. I’m so sorry for implying that Magni was a member of HIM. How could I ever have doubted him?
And so we come to the actual hour and Brooke has changed her dress, and the set looks a bit different, like they’ve actually moved back to the Mayan theatre that they pretend they’ve been filming in all along. Except that at the start of the series Supernova didn’t look so fucking bored. And Butch Walker was there before he got pissed off about his helpful comments being edited out and refused to come on the show anymore although apparently he’ll still be working on the album. A producer called Butch? How do they expect to sell any records with a name like that eh?
Brooke tells us that Toby, Magni and Lukas were all in the bottom three at some stage. I’d just like to say that I am NOT. HAPPY about the amount of eye liner Toby has started to wear and Anji says that even Magni is wearing it, but I ignore her. Lukas, meanwhile has found for himself at the bottom of a box in an op shop in Eketahuna some WHITE-RIMMED aviators and is stupidly covering up his greatest talent – his purty eyeshadow application. And he’s wearing pale shiny lip gloss. It’s really not a good look. And I’m also unhappy about the white jacket that Magni is wearing, although luckily he’s not in the matching white pants. It is after Labour Day, after all.
The first person in the bottom two is Magni, and even though i knew it was coming I start crying because this means he’s gone. It looks like there’s something in Anji’s eye too, though she tells me to cry quietly so we can listen to him doing ‘Fire’ again. There is much much much HoYay! in this performance, especially when he hugs Rafe at the end. Oh man, he just looks so good with that band, and his performance is much better than Toby’s, who phones in ‘White Wedding’. But of course we know who’s going to leave. Remember how Supernova kicked out Dana by saying she’d come so far? And kicked out Ryan because he’d come the furthest of anyone else? Remember how they like to kick out people for the VERY REASON WHY THEY SHOULD WANT TO KEEP THEM? And remember how when Magni played with Supernova, he tried to interact with Gilby who just turned his back to him (well, maybe he was presenting his rear to be humped like Jill. But I doubt it)? Bear that in mind while Gilby asks Magni about how comfortable he looks with the House Band. Magni says he’s not playing with them, he wants to join them, and I gush all over my chair at the thought of a concert of just Magni (and Storm!) with the House Band. Gilby says that Magni looks more like a member of the band rather than a front person, and so he has to go. WHAT.THE. FUCK? I mean, I know Magni wasn’t going to win, but that is seriously the worst fucking excuse ever. Does SuperEgo really want someone that they’re going to clash and fight with rather than someone who’d work with them? Apparently so. Fuck you, Gilby Clark. Jason looks gutted as he well should as Magni makes a beautiful eloquent speech and actually looks really really sad. I’m guessing it’s just because he’s going to miss the House Band rather than that he actually wanted to be in Supernova.
(Apparently around this point in the show, American audiences saw a commercial for Survivor using ‘Headspin’ as the soundtrack. Hmmm, I wonder why that could be…)
So now the final three all give the judges a reason why they should win, which boils down to Lukas – “I’m ready to lead you”, Dilana – “I’m the one” and Toby – “I’m the tallest”. And of course they rehash another song Toby does ‘Somebody told me’ again, Lukas does ‘Bittersweet Symphony’ and I am so over his voice, and Anji and I speculate about what Dilana’s going to sing because she’s all decked out in a bustled parachute for a skirt and we wonder what song that outfit goes with. ‘Zombie’ apparently. Yawn. I can’t believe I ever liked Dilana. But it’s Toby’s time to go, and I am rather surprised. Perhaps the rumours that Suzie McNeill started when she said her friend at Pulse Studios where she’s recording her album had told her that Lukas has been coming in to record the Supernova album for the past couple of weeks was correct. Dilana looks like she’s crapping in her pants. I guess she didn’t get the ‘Lukas has already won’ memo then. But when she’s told, Gilby adds “Dilana, for you, I’d like to help you write and produce your album” and the internets are all like “AHAHHAHAAAHA oh Gilby, if Supernova is anything to go by, your writing’s almost as bad as hers” (although apparently his solo album’s not bad. Well, not lotion/thong / control alt delete bad anyway. And did you guys check out her solo video on Youtube like I told you to?) and Tommy and Dave say they want to play on it. Jason, of course, is saving himself for Storm, as well he should. And it’s interesting that the focus is all on Dilana rather than Lukas, who just won and is supposed to be surprised and overjoyed. But he’s strangely calm. Supernova join him on stage and sing the hey hey hey ho ho ho song that Toby sang about the five cliches (and again I make my hillaaaaaaaaaaarious joke about how there’s only four of them on stage though) and then they sing the one that Magni sang last week, and I start crying again because Magni comes out on stage to play accoustic guitar with them. I say that having him come out must have meant that they practiced it and therefore Mark Burnett has just destroyed any last remaining illusion that the results were a surprise, but then I remember that of course Magni played the guitar in this song last week so maybe it was a last minute addition. Sob.
What the hell am I going to do with my life now, once I’ve finished reading all the forums? And perhaps more interestingly, 1. What the hell are ‘Supernova’ going to call themselves now that they’ve lost the lawsuit brought by another band called that? and 2. Who the hell is going to be up for the third season? I’m betting Mark Burnett is trying to slip Scott Weiland some heroin right now in the hopes that he’ll overdose…
EDIT: I know what I’m going to do with my life now – aid this poster on TWOP who said “And after JD last year, I’ve a mind to go to Toronto with a school bus and round up all the homeless musicians with pretensions of rockstar greatness and practice a little rendition of my own. I’ll lock them all up for a year in a secret prison in North Dakota where they’ll be forced to listen to an endless stream of polka bands just so someone else can win.” Hee! And also as Anji reminded me last night “Maybe someone will be playing in the States while you’re there.” Come on Storm, play San Fran between Oct28 and Nov 6, pleaaaaaase…
And if you’ll allow me one more edit: “Lastly, I think I want to go as Dilby for Halloween this year. Just add fright wig, and go door to door rejecting the best candies at each stop. “I don?t like your Peanut Butter Cups because the peanut butter meshes too nicely with the chocolate.”