I don’t like bangs

Last night in a bid to stop being so reliant on zopiclone, I only took one and a half pills instead of the two a day I have been taking for the past seven months or so. Needless to say, I was still awake after 2.30am. I managed to drift off into a vivid nightmare, when suddenly I woke up sweating. I reached out for Sebastian, who was still curled up near me, after I had switched my head around to the other end of the bed in order to be closer to him, and I saw a flash of light in my room. What the fuck was that? Was that? No! It couldn’t be. And then there was the massive BOOOM! and I knew we were in for a big thunder storm.

Here’s the thing: like many people, I enjoy a good thunderstorm by day, when the sky goes a funny colour, and you can watch it, and there’s lots of people around you to make witty banter with. By myself, alone in my bed, I am terrified of them. This absolutely is because I am terrified that I am going to die alone. I remember in 1998 when I was living in that horrible house in Mount Roskill and I was so lonely and depressed and hadn’t been sleeping that one night when I was woken up by helicopters circling overhead I actually cried out “not like this! don’t let me die here!”.

So yes, lighting creeping into the room, and thunder. Sebastian was pretty chilled out about it, even though my hands that he wrapped himself around were clammy. My heart was pounding, body locking into adrenaline mode. I wanted my mum! I wanted a lover! I wanted a sympathetic flatmate, just someone who I could go running to. But as it happened, when it started hailing, I couldn’t even get out from under the covers to go and shut the window. I did feel a little bit better though that the hail pinging against the blinds freaked Sebby out and I had to calm him down. After that, when I finally managed to get to sleep around 8am, I had nightmares about orgies that would have been okay were it not for the presence of Santa costumes, me eating out a woman I have no interest in, and also being caught banging the man that I’m not banging anymore, and all the assorted guilty conscience crap that goes along with that, and which was hammered home across the day some more once I was awake again. Not happy at all.

But it was nice to be able to have lunch with my mother because I’m working at home today on my Govis presentation (sure I slept in, but it’s after midnight and I’m googling Florence Nightingale – don’t worry, it’ll all make sense on the day) and the delightful Miss Supervery came over to bring me nougat and to let me dress her up like a paper doll. Hurray! And there’s numerous excitements coming up what with the Full Code Press volunteering thing, then the Webstock third birthday party and some cupcaking, and just yes, things will be better than they were this morning. Oh yes they will be.

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