I am extremely tightly wound. Touch my shoulder or neck to give me the massage that I constantly long for and you will find very hard knots. For someone who appears as slovenly as me, I am extremely bad at relaxing. If others are around, I will constantly be wondering should I get them another drink, do they need more snacks, am I entertaining them enough, am I talking the right amount, have I asked them enough about themselves, have I shared enough about me to make it seem like I am opening up to them and I like them. Have I paid enough attention to the cues they’re giving me? I like to be known as hospitable, and considerate. But there’s another thing I’m known for, and that’s for being drunk.
Because drinking helps me relax. It helps tone down the voices in my head that are wondering why people spend time with me at all. It helps me express rage that I try to keep smothered otherwise. Drink enough and it’s like letting someone else take the wheel. If you’re a sub or a switch you might know the feeling of that peace when someone else is completely in charge of you, and you can just be totally free. But a good domme wants what’s best for you. Unfortunately drinking brings out the worst in me.
Yes, this has absolutely come to a head knowing that I hurt people I care very much about – and others – the other night. But there’s patterns that have emerged. I can get sexually aggressive when drinking, and I know more than a few of my friends have witnessed that. Some laughed it off – others not so much. With girls I go for what I like, which is being slapped in the face and having my hair pulled, without having a proper conversation about it first. That’s not okay. Sometimes I’d get black out drunk to get under someone – and there’s a string of boys who I’ve had sex with that I don’t remember at all. It’s forensic examination in the morning – finding the condom wrapper, examining the bruises, knowing I tread all over their feelings just so I could find some quiet.
There’s the mundaneness of it all too, losing weekends to a hangover, the expense of keeping everyone’s glasses full all of the time. There’s time Jo and others have lost trying to soothe me. The cost keeps piling up and it’s too fucking high. I may have lost the people I care the most about this time because I’ve been using alcohol to medicate my anxiety. I don’t know if I can do anything to change that, but I can change myself. So this is me being public to hold myself to account. I don’t know if I’m going to give up drinking forever. But I am going to find a decent counsellor and work on my issues. I am going to give up drinking for now at least, and focus on finding ways to find the calm inside me. I’m so sorry for everyone that I’ve hurt. And I’m really sorry for hurting myself so much. I’ve had a couple of days crying in bed alone, and now it’s time to get up and start doing the work.
PS – if you have a recommendation of a good counsellor in Wellington, let me know. The ones I’ve found who I think would fit the bill aren’t seeing new patients until February.