This morning, processing all the harm I’ve done recently means more and more memories over the past 20 years are surfacing to fit into patterns and it’s really confronting. It made me feel like I don’t deserve the support I’ve been getting. But spending time today with two different people who I know I have helped and supported in the past has allowed my thinking to move a little from “I am a monster” to “I have done some monstrous things”. I am not a thing that needs to be fixed – my behaviour and patterns are what need to be changed.
For the record, the staff at One Fat Bird in Karori are… not great at choosing their moments to clear plates or bring coffees or check in on how the food is going. Your chicken and waffles are fine, but yeah I can’t finish them if I’ve been crying the whole lunch through, sorry. But friends who have had lots of counselling and who share their lessons are great. I also like to think of it as communism by stealth, spreading the cost of thousands of dollars of counselling by helping others with it. Maybe it’s like people who put up bootleg MP3s of every concert they go to. Take that, Ticketmaster! We ALL get to hear that 19 minute jam on ‘Yellow ledbetter’!
I am trying to fill my hours and it’s going okay. Lunch with a friend, who let me cry and cry and told me to stop apologising every time I inelegantly blew my nose or apologised for being a mess on him. He entertained me with his hash tag Bridgeman problems, because we are so very self aware. I know the planet is on fire, but I can’t do anything about that, besides donate money and vote Green, and I don’t have any money until my redundancy payment comes through, hopefully on Wednesday. I am in so much karmic debt right now and I just can’t wait to be financially out of debt to a number of people at least.
I’ve realised that because of said money, I can pay for season four of Boom without needing to rush it to sale in order to pay for its production, so I can take my time with its release. People will wait. One person posted
And did I tell you that I wore my blue Kris dress to my fashion school interview (because I feel so happy when wearing it)? I start school in February. *That’s* the power of Boom – it’s so much more than clothing… it subtlety gives people the confidence to go forward and change their life path. *You* created that. You done good, Joanna, you done good. ? ”
It feels uncomfortable to be writing like this, like I am desperately wanting cookies from everyone, though perhaps I am, trying to impress you with my Serious Sadness And Look At Me Doing The Things, but also, I guess I’ve been doing this for over twenty years here on Hubris (with too many pauses). Maybe yelped out sentences on Twitter is the equivalent of the drunken slurring of emotions, when I should be sitting down calmly and working my way through them in long form on Hubris instead.
I’ve reached parts of This Naked Brain where I’m pushing back against it and I’m trying to figure out if it’s cognitive dissonance or whether my reservations are actually fair enough. She hasn’t mentioned the use of antidepressants, but she has talked a lot about how the body produces everything it needs, and yeah, I know that’s not true. I mean, absolutely, alcohol has no doubt fucked up my dopamine levels and played with my serotonin but not everyone on antidepressants is also a drinker. I think overall it’s probably healthy to have a little bit of scepticism around it, and my literature review will continue. When I find a counsellor, they’ll no doubt have their own recommendations, and hopefully they will be able to focus on depression as well.
Over on the Daybreak app, most of the people are Australian, so naturally there is a lot of talk about the bush fires, and the heat. People are saying they’ll donate the money that they’d normally spend on drinking, which is nice. I sent the beers & cider in my fridge home with Sara today because I won’t be drinking this summer. I’m holding on to my wine cellar though. This Naked Mind says you’ll never want to drink again, that it’s a lie you’re doing it for the taste, but again, cognitive dissonance. I think of all the fun I’ve had doing wine tastings – and hope that maybe one day I’ll do that again, without feeling the need to go to the bar afterwards for more. But that’s for the future Joanna to think about. This Joanna just has to figure out how she’ll get from now until 10am tomorrow when the exterminator comes back (she’ll finish writing this, post it, put the magic soup she couldn’t finish back in the fridge, finish watching Making It, watch some home renovation show, take half a zopiclone and watch 30 Rock til she falls asleep).
Of course, it’s not just all about booze though, it’s also about anxiety, so I’m still wondering about the usefulness of an actual app, because I’m already watching my phone like a hawk who has fucked up mightily, hoping desperately to get a message from someone that won’t actually ever arrive, so the hawk maybe should put the phone far away. Wow this is a bad metaphor. Safe to say though that I turned off the Daybreak notifications but at any time I can check in and see there are people in similar situations, celebrating small victories, and that’s comforting. Day 5 AF, etc.
This afternoon Sara and I sorted out my leftover Boom fabrics so I could donate the sizeable pieces to people working with those from a refugee background (who may end up working as seamstresses for my production manager doing Boom work, if the experience of others is anything to go by, so that’s a nice roundness). We also played Jackbox trivia games and I found myself laughing and smiling and it was nice. Tomorrow after the exterminator someone I don’t know hugely but we’re twitter friends is coming over to play Scrabble. On Tuesday I’m meeting with my soon to be personal trainer, and on Wednesday I’m having girlie face masks and movie night with another friend. Please invite me to do things. It’s lonely and echoey inside my head. Please tell me about your problems. I’m so fucking introspective right now that I might not pick up on you having them, but I’m so ready to listen.