Non-linear time

The thing I’m learning about polyamory is that because you don’t just have one timeline, things play out and overlap and it’s a hell of a mind trip. You can be crying in the morning when your new super king duvet arrives for the enormous bed you ordered when you were still expecting there would be three of you in it, and then nervously putting on lipstick in the evening to go on a date with a new person. And it’s okay to mourn the loss of a relationship while you’re celebrating the start of another, because they’ve also been through those overlapping timetables. And you can see how they could all fit together so easily, all the compare and contrast and difference, and you’ll have honest naked conversations and you’ll cry some more and mess up that makeup that you so carefully applied. For the record, someone new coming into my life is not the reason that I lost the others. Though she understands the work that I need to do.

Speaking of work, oh yes, I’ve been doing that. Yesterday I met with my new personal trainer to talk about the work I want to do with her in order to build up physical strength and also to give my mind its best chance at being peaceful. Lou is perfect for me because we’ve been twitter friends for years, and believes in Health At Every Size. So we discussed how i’d feel if my body does start changing shape a little, which to be honest would be kind of weird because I have this whole fucking company centred on the idea of not being at war with your body, and on a practical level if my body changes significantly then that will affect things with Boom because I’m the fit model. But I’m not anticipating that happening, even though alcohol intake probably amounted to a fair percentage of my calorie intake. I do not intend to ever talk about weight loss though, only any improvements that I might see like, being able to walk up stairs without puffing. Or falling asleep quickly without taking a pill.

And speaking of trigger warnings, today I saw my counsellor for the first time, after she had a last minute cancellation. I am very grateful that she had very tactile velvet pillows for me to fiddle with as I laid out all the reasons that I was there in her office. It was strange to talk about myself as a violater, and also to list and recount the violations that have happened to me over the years. I began drinking at age 14 when Beth and I started sneaking out and going to nightclubs in Tokyo. One of the first times that I was assaulted was when I was 14 in the bathroom of a nightclub in Tokyo. Patterns emerge.

We talked about the mild PTSD I have at dentists now after getting raped in 2010. We talked about my history of antidepressants and how fucked up it was that I had a psychiatrist put me on two zopiclone a night every day for over a year. We talked about my stressers over the past year, and how it has been A Lot. She has had other poly people before so none of the language was new to her, which is what I had guessed from her biography and why I had chosen her. She’s going to email me some resources about the kinds of treatments that she does (we’ve moved on so much from CBT, apparently, which makes me giggle because that was my first job straight out of university – Computer-Based Training, and also I know a number of sex workers who also specialise in that – but quite differently). I’ll be seeing her once a week for a while at least, and I am so fucking exhausted now, but also hopeful that I might still be saveable after all.

Tomorrow’s task is a visit to my GP to ask her for all kinds of blood tests both for Lou and for my counsellor, and because I’d like to know my liver function and see if I can make that number change over the next three months. My redundancy money has come through, finally, and holy fuck what sweet relief it is to pay off debts. I am so fucking privileged to be in this position, I know. I owe the universe a lot, and I intend to do my best to repay it.

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