Hubris

This is going to be an epically long one again of course. Content warnings for medical badness, sexual assault, depression, Right Wing asshattery.

1. What did you do in 2023 that you’d never done before?

• A cool thing I did was two 90 minute workshops at the Council of Trade Unions’ Women’s conference on how Fat Liberation is good for everyone – though it horrified me that someone had very obviously misread my talk’s blurb because she came up to me and asked if she could show everyone before & after photos of her weight loss. No she could not!
• Had nude art commissioned of me (and it’s AMAZING)
  
• Got a stomach tattoo

I feel in many ways my world shrank in 2023, because we continue to be in a pandemic and I continue to be terrified of it. A third round of COVID in May brought back the Long Covid symptoms that I was just starting to overcome, so I had very little energy to do much. But life-changingly – I finally got my ADHD diagnosis in October.

That was a hell of a long journey. In January I completed a 30+ page self-test workbook, and then went to my GP to ask for a referral. She had both me and Jo fill out more surveys and agreed that it seemed very likely I had it. I say “self test” and survey” like these were light and breezy things to do, but they brought up so many issues. For example – did I only get such good marks in school because I was afraid not to? Did I suppress most ADHD symptoms because of fear? My GP said there was no one in Wellington she would recommend, so I made a zoom appointment with a doctor in Northland – for June. It cost $600 for the initial assessment, I had to wait five months, and then I got the date of the appointment wrong and lost my absolute fucking mind when I couldn’t get ahold of the doctor on the day, before I realised I had, for the past five months, had the wrong day in mind, and had booked the wrong day off work, and then in fact my appointment was going to be in fifteen minutes from when I heard from them.

So I definitely got off on the wrong foot in the assessment, and then the psychiatrist absolutely did not listen to me. I had to go over my whole mental history and I feel like she spent more time interrogating me about why I hadn’t applied for ACC funding after getting raped (ummm, cos I already had a counsellor I was seeing, I could afford it [though I still think he should have paid, and for every fucking time I need to fork out big bucks for dentistry sedation] and cos I have a ton of friends who were retraumatised by the ACC process, maybe?) than talking about what I believed to be ADHD symptoms. She misreported how much I drink by three times as much, diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder, suggested I switch drugs to Effexor and prescribed me 30 minutes of exercise a day – after I had cried during the session about how going to the supermarket would cost me two days of functioning because of how physically exhausting it is. You know how little is known about Long Covid but the one thing that they do know? Is that exercise makes it fucking worse. So going through everything in conversation with a woman who didn’t like me and then getting all that in a PDF document with absolutely no warning was absolutely a horrible crushing thing to receive. I am incredibly lucky that I got it the morning I had a counselling session booked already.

I gave my counsellor the document and she was horrified with that psych’s diagnosis and lack of patient care. I asked her if it was worth trying to go back for a second opinion, and she suggested that no, I should just talk to my GP again and get a different referral, that trying to fight it would just cause me more stress. I’m incredibly lucky as a fat person to have a GP I trust, and she was absolutely great too, and put in a referal for me to a doctor in Nelson who specialised in children. Her reasoning was that maybe he’d focus less on various trauma from my adulthood and actually get to the root cause. He took me on as a patient, but would only see me in October in person for the first assessment, so that was another $1000 for flights and hotels and his fee.

Before that session, I reread all my old school reports from childhood that Mum still had stored away, and pulled out fragments of what I could see were symptoms that I mostly got away with because of my intelligence and how reading was my hyperfocus and teachers like it when you like reading (except when you’re reading as they talk because they are talking too slow). Again, school reports are a horribly confronting thing to read. I have mentioned a lot that I was bullied as a kid, and I was, but also, it’s clear now that I was a bully. I remember being mean to people who I thought were stupider than me – which I would charitably describe now as being extremely frustrated at things going much slower than I would have liked them to). According to the Iowa standardised testing I did at the American School in Japan age 12 or 13, I was reading 410 words per minute when others averaged 190-240 words per minute. I just kind of want to reach inside my skull and pat my brain and say “woah there girl, woah, slow down” and give it a hug. There was a lot of unpacking of privilege. My mother said that in reading Opa’s diaries he was always frustrated by all the things that he wanted to do but couldn’t focus on any of them, and that sounds very familiar too.

Going to Nelson was extremely nerve-wracking, because I felt there was so much at stake. I had even asked a friend of mine in if they could get me some ritalin just so I could try it as I continued to fight to be able to get a prescription for it, because even back in the very brief period in my early twenties when I took E a couple of times, I did speed maybe once or twice and only with a fuckton of booze so I had no idea what it would feel like, but apparently the black market was all tapped out. I am extremely lucky that I was able to afford to go private, but an unexpected $1000 expense still tapped me out pretty firmly. An amazing friend put money in my account so that I could have some fun while I was in Nelson too instead of stressing about money, which was a very generous and loving thing for them to do.

But, anyway, the doctor in Nelson was AMAZING. He LISTENED to me. He didn’t dwell on non-related traumas. He concluded that it was 80 to 85% likely that I had ADHD, as there was no definite like, blood test, to be able to measure it, and said that it was definitely worth me trying short release ritalin (rather than slow release due to my caffeine sensitivity). I thought from there he’d have to petition the Ministry to get me an exception (fuck you Bill English for making it so hard, I’m glad your kid had to smell my stinky hungover poop that time one of my flatmates brought him home) and then I’d have to go back to my GP and it would be weeks, but I left his office with a prescription in my hands. HOLY SHIT, yes I definitely went back to my hotel to cry for a couple of hours.

The very first time I took a ritalin – and I started on a half dose for a week or so, I was reading the paper, and after I took the pill, I read one article. NOT five articles at once, jumping all around the page. I focus on work tasks and knock them out, including things that I would previously have abandoned. Friends have said it makes me seem more present when I am with them. I am still able to sleep and nap. I feel so much happier and in control. I’m gradually sorting out my house to make it more sustainable to tidy and I love the results like this organisation of my liquor cabinet (there is no reason why I have four kinds of absinthe except “Bad Tom” though).

Ritalin is not the solution to everything that I over-hoped it would be, but it definitely makes things more manageable.

Three and a half months later I am still trying to figure out the balancing act though – that now my brain is like I CAN DO ALL THE THINGS and my body is like – the fuck you can, no, and exhausting myself physically (I have a swelling ligament in my left ankle now to make matters worse). Another thing I’m learning is that drinking substantially if I’m on Ritalin is not ideal – at Sajoween it made me stay up later than I would normally, doing tequila shots which had bad puking on the carpet consequences. This past weekend when I was at Nireaha I still had Ritalin in my system from driving and I was much more conscious of everything that I said as I gulped down gin and it made me feel uncomfortable, not that I was doing anything wrong except being a tiny bit slurry, but just because it made me feel like I was looking at myself from a distance? Again, work in progress. This is not a return to the reset of 2020, but it is just something I need to be more aware of, of course.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I made ONE New Year’s Resolution, which was to enter the Sunday Star Times short story contest, and, partially thanks to Ritalin, I was able to finish off an idea I had, and submit it. You can read it here – it’s gay and Classical, and not a single person who’s read it has said anything about it to me except Karen who said she liked it and Jo who didn’t get all the references. So if you read it and say something nice about it to me I’d be very happy.

Just after Matariki, a bunch of us assembled to release things into the fire outdoors and also summon our intentions, which is my preferred form of New Year’s Resolutions. However, since the last time I put everything away for a Boom popup I can’t find the records we kept (yes of course everyone got worksheets and clipboards, have you met me???) so I can’t check what I wrote. I’ll find them eventually though, maybe by Matariki this year. I do remember that I wanted 2500 Facebook followers for House of Boom and I’m currently stalled at 2040, so you know what to do.

As for New Year’s Resolutions for this year, yeah I have one but I don’t think it’s very achievable right now so I’ll keep that one close to my chest.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

I don’t think so?

4. Did anyone close to you die?

I don’t think so? Cat’s death continues to drive my work with Boom, and I had a cry at Camp Boom when I saw one of her dresses that I most associate with her going to an amazing woman called Stacey who really embodies Cat in many ways.

5. What countries did you visit?

There’s still a pandemic, dumbass. So instead, in approximate order, here are the nights that I spent out of my bed.

At the start of January, we went north for my neighbour Kate’s 50th. Saj and I flew up to Kerikeri, picked up a rental car and went to visit Kat’s land. I TOUCHED A CHICKEN! Given that I used to be afraid of them, that was pretty huge. It was raining so we didn’t get to ride the quad bike, but the drive there had been enough of an adventure, in a very low roofed Carolla on a very bumpy path and not realising at first that I could pump my seat lower. Poor brain, a lot of bashing on the roof. Saj and I spent two nights at the absolutely delightful Cocozen near Kaeo, delighting in the freshly made bread the hosts gave us, looking at bunnies and birds, using a hot tub in the middle of a forest and watching a lot of House Hunters when I got too talked out.

Then we drove in the rain down a carefully planned tasting trail through Kerikeri to Russell, except it wasn’t that well planned cos a lot of places we wanted to go to weren’t open. But we got in wine tastings at Fat Pig (with a chandelier in a tin shed that had survived the San Francisco earthquake of 1906) and lunch at Marsden Estate (Marsden girls cheat at croquet, 1997 me would like to remind you) and handily bumping into Kate at the Matakana chocolate shop. Sara and Nick met us in Russell where we stayed in a pretend old villa complex around a pool. We swam in the rain when there weren’t kids crowding us out, went wine tasting to a couple more vineyards (Sage Restaurant had amaaaaaaazing Goonie-esque views but for a $55 [admittedly crayfish] pasta their service was TERRIBLE), watched Clue, and then it was time to go to Kate’s party on their land. I used long drops! I applied glitter to many many people! We met all kinds of lovely people. Saj & Sara thought one babe was into me so they kept topping up my glass so I wouldn’t have to move. Get you friends who etc. Thoroughly excellent time. On our last day the sun came out for the first time that whole trip and I was thoroughly peopled out so I spent the whole day floating in the pool and despite judicious sunscreen applications I got quite burnt. Boo-urns.

Later in January, Sara & I went to Taina (of best new person of the year last year) & Peta’s wedding on the beach in Waikanae. All guests were requested to wear white so that their pastel outfits would pop more against us. It was innnnnnncredibly hot, but also raining a shit ton so the reception was moved from their garden to the rugby club at the last minute. Sara and I stayed in a little above a garage apartment at a fancy house that Taina & Peta had got ready in and taken their photos in before the wedding. It was very shabby chic and there was a gorgeous pool I swam in in the morning. The wedding was fun – Taina’s brothers were so hot I almost felt straight even though the wedding was so gay that their official witnesses were even called Tegan & Sara.

In February for Sara’s birthday, Iona, Saj and her son, Sara & Nick and I went back to my favourite place in the world – Nireaha. We drank gin in the icey cold pool, played old Solid Gold records, brought way too much food, and discovered a fun outdoor game called Kubb where you try to knock over your opponents’ wood blocks. When I got tired of socialising I went and sat outside and looked at the amazing stars, drank too much red wine and listened to sad songs. And Iona took a ton of photos of me in the pool for House of Boom, modelling my new (then) rainbow necklaces.

In March, Sara and I went up to Palmerston North for the opening of an exhibition of Cat’s Adipositivity photos (link possibly NSFW), a year after her death. The art was glorious and we met some lovely people, including a drag queen who assumed we were a couple (tbf we were both wearing PENNY ROYALE dresses and rainbow necklaces). There was a lot of happy and sad and EMOTIONS. Our Airbnb had a hot tub and later that night I ordered a delivery of ice cream & donuts from it. I mean, from my phone while I was in the tub – it wasn’t THAT lux.

At the end of May, I went to Christchurch to be professionally gay – by which I mean I went to the Cross Agency Rainbow Network Conference for work. I was incredibly disappointed by how gay it was, as opposed to queer. 1 in 3 members of the Rainbow community are disabled, but they took absolutely no COVID precautions – even things like all the doors to the terrace were locked on a sunny day so if you wanted to take your lunch outside to eat so you could safely take off your mask, it was a great big walk around. And while inside, talks covered good people working within systematic racism & homophobia & transphobia, outside they parked a cop car painted with rainbow korus, and people walked around in airforce uniforms. Just a really hugely disappointing lack of community care. The conference organisers were like “oh but we followed the Ministry of Health guidelines” and yeah right, remember how well our community fared in the 1980s when we did the absolute fucking bare minimum during a pandemic? Anyway, my Long Covid creeping back after my third infection (despite my constant mask use and generally avoiding people) meant I was absolutely fucking exhausted the whole time I was there and did nothing but go to talks and order lacklustre room service cos even going to the foyer to collect Uber Eats seemed too hard. So no photos from Christchurch.

In June though, I booked an AMAZING bach in Waikawa and issued a five page invitation to Anna & Iona & Saj & Sara for my birthday weekend. I challenged everyone to come up with a canape & matching canape for my birthday dinner but took care of everything else (there was a LOT of luggage). For my course, I served breakfast martinis with savoury french toast. We played Prosecco Pong and taught ourselves how to score Darts. During the day the sunshine was so warm I sat around in my bra, and at night we had amazing sunsets and spas. I do recommend.

In August, because I had very luckily received some money from my mother for my birthday, I contemplated whether I could afford a tropical holiday. I was drowning in choices and also it was all just a bit too expensive so I thought about what I really wanted: to get out of my house, to get some sunshine and to eat & drink nice things, and booked three nights in Napier instead. On the first night I ate a fancy French dinner (and wished I could politely put on headphones to not have to hear the loud Americans at the next table) and enjoyed the bisexual fountain on the waterfront. To my absolute delight, Karla from Two Lippy Ladies who I’d met at Camp offered to take me out wine tasting when I told her I was going to book a tour, and SHE PLANNED IT ALL. Oh gosh, what a treat for me! I’m usually absolutely the planner, and mostly the driver, so it was thrilling to not know where we were off to. Me being me, when we were at Elephant Hill I did request that we go to Clearview as well since it’s my favourite and was right next door – and that turned out to be a great decision cos I ordered six bottles of rose/rose bubbles from them and they ended up sending it to me twice (and let me keep the extra for free). We had lunch in Hastings, hit up Mission and Church Road as well and talked all things small business clothing sales, and it was just so lovely. I ended up taking some of that Clearview wine to the Camp wine tasting as a demonstration of the power of fat friendships.

The next day I went to the museum where one of the women on the desk was like “I know you from somewhere!!!” and I was like “… House of Boom?” and yes, turns out she was the sister of one of my followers who I’ve never met but is one of my favourites on instagram. Then I went to the National Distillery Company and tried a lot of gins, and then to the Tony Bish Urban Winery right next door to it and tweeted about how it was my house cos it’s the home of Fat & Sassy, and their marketing person came out and gave me another magnum of Fat & Sassy to try at Camp. It is a very good Chardonnay, and I recommend it highly. I also just absolutely loved the Urban Winery - I loved all the staff, and the flights on offer and the food, and I spent a bunch of hours there happily reading trash on my kindle and enjoying everything. The next day was the best croissant I’ve ever had outside of a former French colony at the outdoor markets and a massage on a full sized bed. I definitely got all the things I needed in a holiday without having to leave the holidays. Oh, the one thing I didn’t do was swim, because the pizza I’d ordered after the day of wine tasting had me pooping all night and I did not want to bring that energy to the pool.

In December, I rounded out the year with a jaunt to Auckland to see L7, my second favourite band when I was 16 (after Hole). I had been supposed to see them in 2020 in Wellington, but, as we know, 2020. So I decided it was worth trekking up to Auckland to see them because I didn’t think Lil Riot Grrl Joanna would have forgiven me if I’d missed them. I’m so glad I went! I loved the train in from the airport, cos I like trains. I stayed at the Ohtel in the Viaduct which was gorgeous, and I asked them for a room with a bath if possible and enjoyed a free upgrade to a bath right in the middle of the room. I ate burrata topped with chili sauce like it was tofu at Hello Beasty, and the second or third best tiramisu of my life at Biavacco (Chiara’s was better). At the Powerstation for the gig I managed to find Penny, best friend from high school who I’d put onto L7 in the first place, so that was amazing to see her, and also Chrisana. Astonishingly, I managed to find a seat on the back of a banquette, so I rocked out in my mask from up there. For a second the benzo I’d taken for crowds met with the Ritalin and I thought “hey I could go in the mosh pit!” before I laughed at what a ridiculous idea that was. But I did get a very good view, was so very pleased to not have to stand much (and to have a bath afterward) and had such a lovely time. Auckland is so full of memories though, perhaps even more than Wellington? I was just thinking of amazing Shihad gigs at the Powerstation, and also of course that Placebo concert.

6. What would you like to have in 2024 that you lacked in 2023?

Ha, and speaking of Placebo and the first boy ever to ask me to be his girlfriend that night in 1999, that’s a good lead in to say I still have not had a relationship with someone who yells it from the rooftops. I know I say this every year, but the heart wants what it wants.

7. What date from 2023 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

November 4 because that was when the third-ish Camp Boom was, and while it was basically sold out six months in advance, I ended up having to do a LOT of pivoting. But it was absolutely amazing event, I’m really proud of myself for it and also so incredibly grateful to all the amazing humans who helped me pull it off.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Getting my ADHD assessment despite all the setbacks, and getting on Ritalin and having that make such a difference.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I had to extend my overdraft for House of Boom and things are not selling well. We talked about this last year though, like is a new government threatening 15,000 of my key clients with job loss my fault? No, it’s not my failure, but perhaps nevertheless, my business fails. And when I threw a pop-up weekend in December and ONE person showed up the whole weekend (and not a single Boomette except for Sara came to the Boom fifth birthday party), well, that really really fucking sucked. So much. I had intended to wind up Boom last year but then Camp was so great so I’m conflicted.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Continued depression & anxiety, partly because of the sheer frustration of thinking a pill could help me with so many elements of my life but I couldn’t access it until October, but also see: failing business and state of the world. And also as discussed already, continued Long COVID. Oh, and new for the last part of the year, my left ankle ligament swells like billy-o if I stand on it for too long. Which reminds me, it’s been two months since I saw my GP about that, must be about time to go back and say “you told me to come back in two months if it was still happening”.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Given that I’ve just spent like three hours writing about all the various holidays I’ve been on, I guess I’m going to have to say those, obviously! I also bought a new fridge on Boxing Day because mine had been freezing everything on the bottom couple of shelves, exploding sodas and everything, and the dude said that a new part would be $500 and I’d only paid $200 or so for the fridge in the first place when I bought it off Jane. So now, for the first time ever since leaving home age 17, I now own a first-hand fridge. It does NOT have an automatic ice maker unfortunately, but it is pretty and fits a lot in. I nearly died in the Harvey Norman carpark when I couldn’t find a pedestrian exit and it was too hot, but I managed to survive. Woo!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Sara’s, my amazing wonderful darling without whom I would not be able to Boom. Jo’s, for always being at the end of Messenger, ready to listen to my constant whining and love me unconditionally. My family for the financial privileges that I have which made the year more achievable.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Anyone who dismisses COVID as just a cold. The Labour govt for dropping our remaining protections and then not putting up a fight at the election. Everyone who voted in the shysters of NACT and Winnie. The Israeli government. The American government. People posting Shein haul videos.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Apart from the obvious holidays, vet bills for Callie (who has a thyroid condition) and obviously two $600 psychiatric assessments. And then there was also a $300 sedation for a filling repair at the dentist, which is just really fucking awesome.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Jo coming over for Camp! Yellowjackets! Katie cat learning to come inside when I call her, and allowing me to sit and meditate with her every night. Callie letting other people touch her!

16. What song will always remind you of 2023?

Can I say “She speeds”? Heh.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

I’m fatter,

I am in a better financial position however I have more debt? And more uncertainty about my job continuing.

I am happier. Things make so much more sense now with all I’ve learned about ADHD and finally having access to the right medication.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Selling clothes. And pashing. And hanging out with my team at work who are a lot of fun.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Crying to Jo about all the fucking traumatic stuff going on, and thinking about E.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

Since we were denied even the usual low $20 subsidy (public service), I organised the work Xmas party and turned a boring meeting room into a colourful pile of joy, with games that everyone seemed to enjoy, great accessibility for everyone and a lowered Covid risk. I like organising parties!

We had Sajmas dinner at Saj’s a couple of days before Xmas with pasta and Catan.

On Xmas itself I spent the day baking my mother’s spekkoek, watching my ankle swell, and then went up to Ngaio with Karen and Tom. I was on vegetables, including broad beans from the garden. We didn’t do presents except that back in September I started making Happy Memories advent calendars for my nearest, so that they’d be ready in time for Jo to take home with her after Camp.

People seemed to appreciate them.

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?

Jo! Occasionally we would Facey but usually it was just messenger and occasional voice messages of bad jokes or complicated stories.

22. Did you fall in love in 2023?

No. Still healing a little bit after the last time.

23. How many one-night stands?

Two. An American dude because honestly, I was curious if his dick was as big as it appeared in his track pants tinder profile picture (yes) and a British dude who said he sounded like John Snow so I made him talk to me as both the Game of Thrones character and the news reader.

But at least I can continue to be a man-hating lesbian by saying I haven’t slept with a white cis dude since like 2019. And they weren’t particularly straight either. In fact I think I’d have to go back to 2016 for the last cis white straight dude. Progress!

24. What was your favorite TV program?

I finally watched The OA just so I could message Jo about it, and while I liked it, it wasn’t my favourite. I think I was most excited about season two of Yellowjackets, and Succession I guess, and Bob’s Burgers continues to be the most beautiful emotional show on TV. That Regular-Sized Rudy-centric episode! WOAH.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Well there’s a whole bunch of NACT politicians I didn’t know existed before they were elected in, so yes, I guess.

26. What was the best book you read?

Song of Achilles? Was that this year? As you may have guessed by my short story, I do love me the classics. I also bloody loved the Britney Spears book too, gotta admit.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

The Number Ones blog. It turns out I am OBSESSED with reading current pop culture analysis of past times that I have experienced. Tom Breihan examines every billboard number one since charts began in the 1950s and it’s such a joy to read. He considers musical genres, what was happening in society at the time, where the artist came from and where they will go, as well as breaking down beats, samples and other covers of the song. And the comments section is a DELIGHT. I cannot recommend it highly enough.

28. What did you want and get?

 Cuddles with Katie! While she’s still afraid of others, she now comes in when I call her, or if she sees a delivery person at the door, which means she can jump on my couch while I sit on the floor and eat, and she gets to nuzzle into my armpits. She’ll be on the other couch by 11pm generally so we can mediate together, and sometimes when she’s sitting there she’ll just start purring in her sleep. It is a magical time when I’m sitting there and she’s spooning my right arm and then Callie jumps up on my left side and puts her paws on my leg.

29. What did you want and not get?

House of Boom to be successful, and a relationship.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?

I saw two movies at the movies this year – a much delayed session of Barbie that a coworker arranged with subtitles so that our Deaf colleagues could join us (and I watch everything with subtitles if available now post Long COVID too), and A Death In Venice to fill in time before my flight back from Nelson. Neither of them were that amazing.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

There were three parts to my birthday celebration, of course. First there was the besties at Waikawa weekend, then a bunch of others came to dinner at Peking House (though I was very disappointed when newbies defied my matrix and ordered both Orange Beef AND Orange Chicken), and also I had dinner at Damascus with BAMJI and Karen, which was veeeeeeeeeery slow service and it was soooo loud in there it made me feel very very anxious cos I couldn’t hear anything anyone was saying.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

If I’d got on Ritalin nine months earlier.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2023?

Since I got my arm tattoos in 2021 I’ve been showing my arms more willingly, so you can imagine how it’s gone since I got my STOMACH TATTOOO in September.

I am hating the feel of polyester more and more, so there’s not really much of a choice for me but to wear House of Boom or a couple of other small ethical labels. But to be honest I left the house so rarely that it was mostly my Jo Jo Jim Jams that I wore.

34. Who kept you sane?

Sara with all her support and literal labour for me, Jo for her emotional labour, my counsellor and GP and me, for continuing to try to do the work.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Daddy Pedro Pascal.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

Fat liberation and inequality.

37. Who did you miss?

Sebastian. Every so often I think Katie is him when I catch her in the corner of my eye, and damn there’s a hole in my heart that will never heal.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

The mothers!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2023

Sometimes how other people are feeling is not actually about me. That sounds really obvious I know, but I’m very self-centred and plus there’s that whole Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria of ADHD thing. So it’s helped doing meditation and mindfulness to be able to take a moment to pause and think about what other things may be going on for people, to assess what other things may be at play in decisions or whatever. This is a perhaps purposefully vague paragraph but it makes sense to me.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

Honestly it’s June now so I can’t think of one, but I can tell you that ‘Keep the streets empty for me’ by Fever Ray was my number one on Spotify.