hollow ice

Thursday the 7th of January, 1999

I dunno, I just so feel like there’s something missing from my life. Now that Charly is staying with Amy, I have too much time to think, and this is resulting in me feeling all hollow. We all rented “the Ice Storm” tonight, and I guess that echoes my feeling of emptiness. Except you don’t see me sleeping with Mr Russia, or showing myself to Catholic Richard & Matthew. (Those are my neighbours in case you were wondering). It was so scary watching those freaks live out their loveless lives, just dying to get a little excitement. I mean, my life is excitingish, I guess, but I dunno…. when I was parking outside my house tonight, I just didn’t want to get out of the car. I wanted to stay in it and go somewhere. I don’t know where – I didn’t think that far.

I’m very emotionless these days (sure, I say that after bawling my eyes out after driving in a hole). Okay, maybe a better way to put it would be I just don’t CARE. Like, I told Annette I am SO sick of listening to my friends bitching about their men, and she was like “note: don’t bitch to Jo” but what I meant basically is that I can’t be bothered hearing Charlotte, and I don’t want to hear about Amy and Neil. Amy said tonight that she’s single, but I know that won’t last, and it makes me so helpless that I just want to wash my hands of it entirely. Does that make me fully heartless? Yeah I guess it does.

And there’s no one I’m lusting after right now. Not even like a crush. I don’t want Hugh anymore, I’ve decided. (Oh shock horror, there’s his name). That was just a slight infatuation stemming from how funny it is when he gets drunk and comes on to me. That’s another way that I’m empty – that I get more kicks out of turning people down than I would accepting them. I prefer people disliking me than not knowing me. “I’d rather be hated than pitied”. Go Go the Spice Girls.

Where is this all leading to? Maybe I’m just feeling like this because I am moving in four days and I don’t really want to. Maybe it’s the Aunty Flo. I played Quake today, for the first time ever, but I didn’t kill anything because I sucked at it. But I will learn. Yes please, I am a geek. No I’m not. I’m a giant hollow bubble, and I’m so fragile and I really don’t know what’s come over me. This is so Verdana. Next I’ll tell you about my lithium prescription and my new cigarette burns up my arms.

I can hardly remember the summer of 96/97. 95/96 is vivid, as is 97/98, but I guess maybe because 96/97 was boyless there aren’t so many associated memories. All it was noteworthy for is my first acid trip and the first Gathering.

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