Hubris

Saturday 29; May, 1999

email ` gbook ` i-seek-you ` handwriting
Oh god, it’s not even 1pm yet, and I’m already teenangsty. I guess I have a reason. I have no friends.

Well, actually, that’s a load of shite, cos I have heaps of them. I just feel like ummm I dunno – that I’m no longer relevant to them anymore. And that’s stupid to say too. Arrrg it’s so hard to express myself. I feel kinda very isolated from my friends right now. Yeah, I guess that’s phrasing it a little better.

I guess the fact that I went to tech very erratically last week would be a major contributing factor, but what kicked off this bout today was the phonecall I got that woke me up. Dee rang me at 12 today, asking me when I was planning on having my birthday party, cos she wants to organise an end of exam party and didn’t want the two to clash. I told her that I couldn’t be bothered having a birthday party, so she could throw hers whenever. She was kinda concerned about that, but I assured her it was alright.

Why don’t I want to have a birthday party? Well, I do. Just I don’t know if anyone would come. Yes, I’m still sulking from last weekend. I mean, honestly, Friday night we’d decided collectively to have drinks at my house, and then everyone cancels on me, except for Dee who came over late and didn’t stay long (although I really don’t blame her cos I was despicably drunk then). Saturday night, Shirley rings me up so at an hour’s notice, I go lie out in the cold for her St Johns practice. Then they all go out to the movies, but tell me there’s no room in the car for me. Whine whine whine. Last night I was invited to go to the tech bar with them (w00p w00p I might add) but because Karen’s staying, I said no. They took Simon though.

Where am I going with this? I dunno. I guess it’s just upsetting when people don’t want to see you, or if they say they do, they don’t make any effort. So while yes, I’d very much like to have a big birthday party, have all the people I care about around me, there’s like no point in stressing out over throwing one only to have most people not show.

So yeah, apathy apathy apathy. I guess it’s partly me projecting, because Andee and Ren were coming to town today, and I can’t hang with them because Karen’s here. And it’s cool seeing Karen, and I love that she flew up to see me, and all – just I’m real angsty. And why would my friends wanna see me when all I do is whine anyways?

Beastie Boys concert tonight. It’d be cool if I had some enthusiasm.