“these seconds when I’m shaking leave me shuddering for days”

Friday September the 2nd – sort of

Cellphone rang me awake this morning – I don’t know what the time was. It was the courier company, ringing to come and pick up my video tape. I was so relieved that I wouldn’t have to haul it in. I don’t think Emma likes me. I don’t think I’ll get chosen.

Things are sort of patchy to me today. There’s a pad in my bedroom and there’s about six pages of writing scrawled onto it, large, mostly indecipherable handwriting. I remember writing, but I didn’t think I wrote that much.

There’s logs of my talking to Olivia that I remember vaguely, with the word ‘whore’ coming up a lot, but I don’t know how I’d come to be on the computer at that point . I signed her guestbook too, something I definatly don’t remember. There’s a feeling that I sent someone else a message, but I have no idea what I said in it, and from the Olivia logs, I can guess that the typing in it wasn’t at all legible anyways. But there’s no evidence.

There’s empty tequila bottles in the house, and lemon rinds, and I remember clearly that the first lemon we ate had been in the fridge since Annette brought it over on June 19th. I think that’s what started me and Clayton and Antz feeling sick although I didn’t tell them until later the origins of the lemon. We got more lemons from Foodtown later and I was quite excited.

There was some video on, one of Clayton’s weird things that he does sometimes. There was tequila, tequila and more tequila. Simon was playing Woo-Tang mp3s. At one stage I went into my bedroom and freaked out. That’s where the writing on the pad came from. “I am whole” over and over and over again.

Mikey is messaging me now mocking me because he won at Monopoly, so I guess I remember playing that too. I think it was even my idea because it was 2am and stuff. And yeah it was a safer option. The boys ganged up on me and took money off me when I really shouldn’t have had to pay that much because it wasn’t fair for him to have 2 houses on the one property when he didn’t have any houses on his other one. I have New Zealand monopoly, not British. I’m always the boot.

Simon started calling me lopsided and I don’t know what brought that on. He just wanted to be like the Hamilton boys I guess. Oooh baby, feels like the music sounds better with Hugh baby. I remember shouting that there was nothing wrong with my breasts. Because there isn’t.

Yesterday the people in Paper Plus shortchanged me $8. When I went back to get it, another guy there offered to beat up the guy that’d fucked up for me. I said no, and he said he really wouldn’t mind. I suggested that if he had a personal vendetta against him, by all means go ahead, but not to do it on my behalf. I said my conscience wouldn’t let me sleep. I slept well last night I think. Or this morning even. I should have slept more though.

I had the same bus driver in and out yesterday, and then again today. I felt really bad today when a chick asked me in broken English where the bus to Paparanga went from, and I couldn’t tell her. Major guilt pangs – what if she got lost and never ever found her way home and became some casualty and another statistic? But then I saw her again up and my bus stop, and felt guilty all over again, because maybe she’d said Papakura and not Paparanga, and I take a Papakura bus home.

I’ve had lots of money running through my hands lately. Yesterday I carried $1500 in cash down Broadway – nice clean crisp $100 bills. Today I took $500 out of an ATM and in exchange I now have four $100 Australian dollar bills. They’re quirky. Longer and skinnier than NZ money. It’s cool. I also got my plane tickets.

Fuck this is fragmented. I’m so sick today, it’s heinous. Much leaning over toilet bowls for me. I should clean the house but the sight of the empty bottles and glasses makes me sicker. Kate’s coming over soon and we’re going to go to Go after teenage melodrama slap them all that is Dawson’s Creek.

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