Australia VI

September Thursday 16th

— Note, H&A, Fire Alarm, Kmart, Thai —

I got woken up by uber strange beeping noises, and turned over to see Olivia and her magical dishwasher. So I turned over again and went back to sleep. When I woke up at 10am, the Living Cube ™; was empty, except for an indepth note from Olivia, on the bench. (see scan, if I scan it). So, having digested that, I polished off the rest of Premiere Magazine, the special Star Wars edition. I am SO good at buying into hype, man. Kini’s Take That book had me just fully worshipping Robbie Williams.

Just before 11am, Olivia rang me on her chrome cellie that she’d left behind for me (they have no phone). She’s such a good mother, man. Then I had a slice of toast and settled down to watch Home & Away. It couldn’t have been more than 10 minutes into it when I heard sirens go off. It was the building fire alarm. So, I did what any good bitch in her pajamas would do – grabbed my shoes, keys and Olivia’s cellie, and trotted out of the building. I stood on the footpath for at least ten minutes, being laughed at by construction workers, and watching other residents peer over their balconies. The siren was really loud and pulsating, so eventually, I decided that I’d had enough. After all, there was no sign of fire, or fire engines (slackers!)

So back inside I went, and put on some clothes and sunnies. Grabbing my bag, I set off to explore the neighbourhood. I bought a Sneaker Pimps cd, some pringles and coco-ma-cola, and by the time I got back to the building, fire trucks were just pulling away. It must have taken them like half an hour to get there. If it hadn’t bene a false alarm, the whole building could have burnt to the ground before anything was done. Shocking!

The rest of the afternoon wasn’t nearly as eventful, but lordy, was I pissed at having missed Home & Away! I played Tekken 3 until my wrists hurt, as well as my thumb. I read Wallpaper magazine, and furrowed my brow over how cool it thought Sydney was. I took a shower in the heart of the Living Cube ™. The perfect oblongness of the room, and lack of shower curtain or door made me feel like I was in some kind of temple, a saint in a niche. The halogen light right above the shower that made the water sparkle (liquid diamonds) might have helped.

Olivia rang me at four pm to say she’d be home in two hours (aww), and her and Morgan eventually showed up at 6.30pm (so she LIED!). He brought with him two large vinyl sacks – Olivia’s Charcoal Grey and Arctic White bean bags. She was very excited. So excited, in fact, that she made us all train into the city, to get beans from Grace Bros. Grace Bros? Yeah right! The snobby sales women fully turned their noses up at me when I asked them for beans, until I pointed out that they DID sell the skins. So they grudgingly suggested Kmart, but refused to tell us where a Kmart might be. Bitches! They’ll get theirs!

So we went back to Central, intending to go to O’s neighbourhood pub for dinner. However, we passed by a Thai place, so we went in there. Thank god we did, cos not only were they playing Saxaphone by Moonlight (heh), they also had the scrummiest food. Mmmmm Chicken Gang Penang. I couldn’t even finish my bowlful, which was a shame. Then, as we finished, we found a phone booth with a phone book, so we rang up Kmart, and discovered they were open 24 hours, so we got in a cab and headed over there.

Wow, 24 hour Kmart! We perused aisles, going “Wow, if it was 3am and we wanted to buy a garden hose – we could!’ and “wow, we could buy ugly clothes at any time of day!”. We found 600 litres of beans, and I got shimmery dark purple lip gloss and lollies. Then we cabbed home for another early night.

September Friday 17th

— nothing, Karaoke, weirdass bus trip —

Again, Olivia and Morgan were gone in the morning when I woke up. That meant a curisy morning for me, with Home & Away, 7th Heaven and Rikki Lake being highlights of the day. Rikki’s topic was “Guess whether I’m a guy or a girl”. I was right about them all. Surprise Surprise. But goddam, those chicks should have been ashamed to have been mistaken for trannies. No class.

When I went down the road to the dairy, the Chinese woman in it, in her broken English, called me “Pretty Lady” and got me to help her write out a sign that said she’d be back in 15 minutes. I didn’t really understand what she was saying, but all the “so beautiful. Beautiful lady” gushingness made me blush from ear to ear. I collect compliments, so maybe I’ll file that one away with “your hair is choice” “your coat is cool” and (to my mother) “your daughter is absolutely stunning” Turns out Shop Woman was not the only person that day to call me Beautiful, but we’ll get to that later.

Around 6pm, I started making myself beautiful. Yay silver eyeshadow. Yes, it is THAT easy. And double yay for dark purple lip gloss, too. Olivia got home then, and stressed out while getting ready cos she thought she was keeping me waiting. Which, of course, she wasn’t, cos gosh, I’d wait forever for her. So yes.

Then we took a train to the town hall, and Olivia dazzled me with her intimate street knowledge. We found Kini and her friends in some restaurant starting with P, and we were duely introduced, then abandoned at the end of the table. May was lovely though, and gave me a hug and a rose. Dinner was pretty shoddy, “woodfired pizza” and the service was even worse. Plus, they didn’t have Olivia’s drink of choice – Green Chatruese, or mine – cranberry juice, which was disappointing. But hey – you can’t win ’em all, can you?

After dinner, we set off for the Karaoke place. Unfortunatly, we had to stop off at some yuppy bar, so Tracey could stalk her dentist. Olivia and I snuck outside to wait for everyone else, on the pretense of having calls to make or receive. But eventually we made it in to the karaoke place – in a large Chinese restaurant. Settled at the back table, Kini’s friends laughed at me when I performed all the dance to ‘Stop’. I cautioned Kini that she’d have to learn it if she expected to be accepted by my social group. A few vodka lime & sodas later, Olivia and I got up and performed “Express Yourself” by Madonna. I’d been singing along to everyone else’s songs anyway, and singing lines from the song menu, so I was feeling good. And people flooded onto the dance floor for us, which just rocked the party. After that, we just kept on dancing and drinking. No one else from Kini’s friends got up to sing, except for Adrian at the end, who did the Love Boat theme. Olivia and I were wetting ourselves all night in anticipation of singing ‘Freedom’, but when it finally came up, it wasn’t Wham!’s freedom, it was fucking George Michael’s Freedom 91. We were devastated, but soldiered on nevertheless. There was a fair bit of Improv going on, as we weren’t so intimately acquainted with ’91. So we did the other Freedom over the top when we lost track. The dance floor had cleared anyways. After that, we had more drinks and told the bar lady our sad story. She sympathesized, in a nod & smile kinda way.

Kini had told us her friend Anthony was a soft touch, and I should ask him to buy me drinks, so when he started making sheep jokes, I did just that. Fair enough, right? Later on, he ended up spilling half my drink all over me. I’ve discovered the other advantage of drinking vodka. As well as not giving me hangovers, it also doesn’t stain! So score! Or is that rum that’s for scoring? Olivia reckons I’m the one that started the “Every girl is a lesbian after two rum & cokes” but I swear, it’s her. I know this because she told me she was anyone’s after two drinks. So there. I had so much fun, singing and dancing and drinking. Great stuff. Even if Olivia did try and chat up male lesbians that looked like Peter Andre.

Anyways, eventually we were tired, and the place was empty, so we left. Kini had a hankering for a hot dog, so we walked across town to get her one, stopping to mind a busker’s guitar for him while he bought cigarettes. Apperently, Kini’s known him for years. Go figure, but damn, that girl gets around! When we got to the hot dog place, it was shut, as was Circular Quay railway station. It was only 1am, for fucks sake! So we had to take a taxi to the Town Hall, in preperation for The Late Bus. Boy, what a joy that trip proved to be!

Luckily, Kini and I got seats. Unluckily, they were right in the middle of a bunch of larrikans. They yelled and joked and banged on windows, just being a complete general nuisance. The bus trip took two hours – it was heinous. About an hour into it, the bus emptied out some, so I got my own seat. The larrikans fell aslpeed, and when the bus turned a big corner, one fell out into the aisle, flat on his ass. It was absolutely great. He looked so surprised. I had to exercise a great deal of restraint not to shit myself laughing. We got off at Campbelltown Station, instead of Minto, because Kini said there’d be more taxis there. She was wrong. Luckily, she had her cellie, so we rang one up and stood around waiting.

This crusty looking young surfie wandered up to us, and was like “howzit?” so I said hey. I was still carrying the rose that May gave me, and he gestured to it, going “can I hold that for a sec?” So I hesitantly gave him the rose, and he got down on his knees and presented it to me with a flourish, going “you’re a very beautiful girl” so I blushed coyly (twice in one day) and took the rose back going “thanks – so are you. Or you’re a spunk, or something like that”. He started up a monologue about his life. His father was a wanker, and hung out with wankers. He was supposed to be getting a ride home with them, but he didn’t know where they were. He came from Cronolla, which is, according to Kini, 2 hours away, poor kid. Justin (that was his name) was adament that I knew his brother, while I assured him that I didn’t. Drunk people are very amusing. But anyways, his brother Adam used to be in Manpower Australia, which is why he thought I might know him. But he’s married now, to a girl called Jo. Justin went to the wedding on his skateboard which everyone was very unhappy about. Adam probably won’t be able to have kids though – he’s too fucked up from the ‘roids. ‘Roids really fuck you up, man! Justin’s half brother Dan ran away to Brisbane to become a stripper. Now he works as a DJ, and he’s getting lucky all the time. All he has to do is dedicate a song to a girl, and minutes later, she’ll be in the booth, and he’ll be copping head. But Justin’s the black sheep of the family, blah blah blah. I was very very entertained, only by that stage it was 3.30am and I was exhausted, and Kini looked spooked by my freak magnetism. We had to leave Justin when our taxi came. Had it been my house, I might have taken him home. Not to my bed, but just given him a place to stay, since he was so lost and everything. But I’m sure he was fine. I hope so anyways.

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