I am somewhat nervously trying to keep track of my mood – if it slides for much longer, I’m going to have to get help. Again. Oh yeah, bring on the dry mouth. Bring on the dizzy spells, and the orgasm equivalent of an “aaa- aaaa- aaaaa… oh” sneeze. Because I’m not going to sit back and watch myself slide again. But I’m hoping that this is just pre period. Please. Don’t let it be what I think it is.

I want to be the axel of every wheel. I don’t want to be some small town whose economy is crippled because this great big freeway is built that bypasses it. I want to be able to spend my day doing more than wishing that I was asleep. I’d like my physical health to fuck the fuck up, and don’t even get me started on what I would like for my mental health. I want these things to be done for me and for me to have to do nothing, of course.

I miss my friends who are far away – physically, mentally, spiritually, intellectually, whatever. Where are you all? And of course the question that I would put to myself is where am I in relation to them? I don’t have any more co-dependent friendships anymore, and while no doubt that’s probably a good thing, sometimes I miss that level. Now I have to spend too much time alone with my own thoughts. That’s never ever a good thing is it? No sir.

I will instead spend my time doing good things for good people. Yeah.

Remember when we used to do that dance to the theme song of ‘Third Watch’? And when we’d gather to watch ‘Dawson’s Creek’? Yeah I remember that too. Remember the secrets that we used to keep from each other, the way we tried to hide what was really going on because no one thought the other would or should have to deal with that? Yeah, I remember that too. Remember the things that I did that I never told you about, the things that I did or wanted to do to myself that I never told you about that? I wish I didn’t remember that.