Rockstar: Supernova – Week One

Does anyone actually still care about NZ Idol anymore? No? Good! Then I can talk about Rockstar instead, and try to recap weekly. You know though that I’ll be comparing the two shows once NZ Idol gets started though, so you might as well get on board now.

First off: I loved the whole idea of Rockstar because I didn’t like INXS so I didn’t care about Michael turning over in his grave and choking himself some more. The idea of finding a singer for a new super group is a better one, I think, although I’m still surprised that Scott Weiland is still alive and that this isn’t Rockstar: Velvet Revolver.

I also need to let you know that ever since I read The Dirt I have wanted to sleep with Tommy Lee. I know he’s probably riddled with a thousand diseases, but I’m going to go with the theory that he’s got so many of them that they’d all get caught in the doorway together and I wouldn’t catch anything, and that’d be great. Yes, I know this makes me sick and wrong and just full of self hatred, but I can’t help it. That’s why I was happy when he appeared looking so old and haggard, I was like “yay, I don’t actually want to sleep with him at all!” And then he proceeded to sit cross-legged and for some reason that really turned me on. Distuuuuuuuuurbing. Gilby Clark looks like he’s one of the three musketeers, but he’s surprisingly articulate. And Jason Mewsted, well, he’s from Metallica. And that whiney Emo-looking producer, well, bah to him I say. Also: It’s good to know that Brooke Burke is still totally and utterly fug. And Dave Navaro looks like a white Prince. He needs to stop tweezing his eyebrows. Now on to the performers:

Storm – ‘Pinball Wizard’by The Who: I’ve been listening to The Who a bit lately, on account of stealing my parents’ copy of Tommy and going “what the fuck? this doesn’t sound like the one in Almost Famous!” because they’ve got the big orchestral version, but Lisa put me right with her different copy. I feel it’s important to tell you this. But back to the recap. Her boobs look faaaaaaake, and while that might be fine for the Pussy Cat Dolls, it’s just not rock’n roll to me. And I don’t like the way she swallows the word ‘pinball’, because that’s the whole point of the song so she should emphasize it more. But it’s okay.

Ryan – ‘Iris’ by the Goo Goo Dolls: I know someone who tried out for Rockstar in Auckland, who will remain nameless because he swore me to secrecy over the fact that this was his audition song, but I laughed a lot then and I laughed a lot when this guy sang too. Not impressed with the song, not impressed with Ryan. But now I’ve pretty much forgotten him.

Toby – ‘Knocking on Heaven’s Door’: Toby is Australian, so cue many cringy “G’day mate” type comments from Tommy. Toby’s performance is accoustic, and it’s pretty good, although I’m not a fan of this song. Given the GNR cover, Toby must have some balls to play this in front of Gilby, as is noted. Oh, and I liked the cross-legged sitting thing too. What the hell is wrong with me? Maybe I spent too long in Japan.

Patrice – ‘Somebody to love’ by Jefferson Airplane: I dig on this song an awful lot, so despite Patrice’s tacky string top, this is possibly my favourite performance of the night.

Magni – ‘Satisfaction’ by the Rolling Stones’: When Magni introduces himself as one of the top 10 most recognisable singers in Iceland, I start on a path of “aren’t there only 100,000 people there anyway?” chain of thoughts in my head, and start wondering if he’s the lead singer in the Rasmus, and then I remember that they’re from Finland, and then I think that maybe he’s in HIM but they’re also from Finland, and then I think that maybe he’s from Sigur Ros and that thought makes me laugh and laugh, but not too much to notice that he’s got an awesome voice, but seriously dude, stop big-upping yourself cos you’re a fucking looooooooser. And also a tighter as well. Heh.

Zayra – ‘Bring me to life’ by Evanescense: I was making popcorn when she did her piece to camera, so did I miss something – is she like, from a wacky foreign language speaking country? And is Dave Navarro? Wacky. You know that I secretly love people on Idol singing Evanescense, but why for the love of god when you could do any song in the world cos you’re not appealling so much to the 8 year old audience would you pick this monstrostity? Especially when she can’t even hit the notes and sounds out of breath? And isn’t Jason already married when he asks her to marry him?

At this point I’d like to ask you how many of the girls Tommy’s already slept with.

Jenny – ‘How you remind me’ by the ugliest band in the world: Note to Jenny: it’s a good idea to wear a skirt that’s longer than your guitar, if you want to be taken seriously. Now I feel bad because I’m just criticising the girls’ wardrobes and not the boys’, and where has the girl power in me gone? After all, I hate this song so passionately that I should want to bludgeon every man in the world to death with his own foot just in case he turns out to be Chad Kruger. Stupid Canadians from Canadia.

Josh – ‘She Talks to Angels’ by the Black Crows: When Josh wears his cap he looks like JD and when he sings he sounds like Maroon 5. What a winning combination. I don’t think he really has any idea what soul is.

Matt – ‘Yellow’ by Coldplay: hey, who said Michael Murphy would never get anywhere in life? Look at him all up there on stage. Aww. Guys called Matt don’t live in the real world. I don’t anticipate this guy being around all that long. However, he’s one of few people to sing any kind of contemporary song, and that worked out pretty well for Marty Casey, as you may recall…

Dilana – ‘Lithium’ by Nirvana: I’m pretty much not that keen on anyone who starts out whining about their hardluck stories, and I texted Anji going “Didn’t Jordis fucking ROCK at this song? Why would she do it?” and I’m a little bit like “oh please, you’re so unnatural” as Dilana stands there looking all Intense And Brooding And Powerful ™. But then I realised that hey, she looks just like Angry Ginger Spice and I’m a little more liking of her.

Dana – ‘The Only One’ by Melissa Etheridge: And again with the doubling up of songs! I can’t remember the name of the Rockstar wannabe who sang this last year, except that she was blonde and wearing brown suede pants and she did it pretty well. Dana interviews about being a good sweet southern girl, and I bet that Tommy Lee’s already busting out his rophys.

Phil – ‘Cult of Personality’ by Living Colour: NO NO NO NO NO! Why the FUCK would he pick this song? Ty sang this, and when Ty was on, he was on. It was definitely a stand-out performance, so I can’t understand why Phil would think we’d forgotten that and wouldn’t compare. I mean, it’s not like Phil’s even trying to play the token black card by picking token black songs. Anji texts that he looks like Jarvis Cocker. This really is not good.

Jill – ‘Piece of my heart’ by Janis Joplin’: Jill is apparently 4’11, and she looks haaaaaaaaggard, like she’s 45 at least and totally muttony. Plus she’s the same height as Dave Navarro, right? She looks like Shakira, and shakes like Shakira, but she sings pretty well. I don’t think she’s a rockstar, but I bet she makes karaoke nights on Long Island more interesting.

chris – ‘Roxanne’ by the Police: Chris is wearing reaaaaally nice tight black pants, but the striped shirt and tie are a little too Anthony Kiedas for my liking. Plus he makes what’s actually an awesome song despite it being by Sting really incredibly bland. It’s like 48 May boiled down into a one-man flavourless jus. It’s nice to see someone being told that they sucked after all the heaping praises.

Lucas – ‘Rebel Yell’ by Billy Idol: Oh how I want to hate Lucas with his stupid white tuxedo jacket and make-up and his “I live on the streets, maaaaaan”, cos isn’t that what JD said, but then it’s so synthy, and you can’t even understand half of what he’s singing, but I don’t care, because it’s fun and it’s a performance and so it was a good note to end on.

Who’s going to go? Chris or Phil, I’d say. Fingers crossed. No one deserved my 99 cents on a text. There was no one that I instantly loved like Jordis. But then again, Marty made me cry twice last year and I didn’t like him at all at first, so we’ll see how it goes. Good times.

Now give me your thoughts and feelings, please…

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