The Reality Episode
First, I must howl out a protest against the MSN site calling this a ‘webisode’. Please to stop of the killing. But I know I didn’t comment on the elimination episode, so I will say now that why the hell didn’t they get rid of Zayra? I know there’s no way that she will win, but sweet baby cheeses, she’s terrible. K’s choice as her choice? Very very odd. But Patrice was good with the Radiohead.
Bear with me, because the video’s not playing properly and I’ve seen the credits about a thousand times now, along with the “previously on Rockstar…” and it’s driving me craaaaaaaazy.
Shakira says it’s hard for her to watch herself but she has to. Dilana says “he’s running away, like help!” about Gilby, and that makes me laugh, because ahaha it’s funny because it’s true. Jason has come by to point out how Shakira hit Gilby with the mikestand and tell her that she always has to know where her guys are. Jason tells the camera that she takes all too personally. The male rockers make fun of her. Toby looks at his watch and he and Lukas start playing noughts and crosses while she’s still talking. Dilana feels like she did her worst vocal performance on ‘Time after time’ and she’s embarrassed. Aww, it’s nice to have some humility. Shame about the South African accent though. Patrice says something about knowing her fans and makes me not like her so much.
Lukas finds the song choices and takes down all the pictures. He’s wearing a pirate t shirt which makes me dislike pirates a little. The rockers are freaked out by him taking down the songs, and are not sure about it because of not being in the room. They find a picture of Tommy Lee under ‘Higher Ground’ and all of a sudden more people want it. There’s ‘Celebrity Skin’ in the mix, and ‘Santaria’ and some ‘876/Jenny’ song I’ve never heard of before. Patrice gets ‘Higher Ground’ in the end because Josh wants to sing it all Stevie Wonder, because remember, he’s like, the soul brother, but he thinks Tommy Lee will play it like the Chilli Peppers. Patrice fights with Ryan, because that’s what everyone does, and then she cries on Shakira’s shoulder about how wise or not wise it is to sing with a member of the band at this stage when she’s under the microscope.
Storm has ‘Changes’ by David Bowie and is worried about it. Josh talks again about how he’s a soul singer. He knows what he wants to do and who he wants to be. That’s nice and all buddy, but the band also know what they want and I’m pretty sure they’ve made it pretty clear that they’re not into a soul singer. Zayra says that her rehersals are always a big challenge. Maybe because you’re a bitch? The House Band are all “oh my god, you’re terrible”. Zayra says it’s because she’s got a producer’s mind. Maybe that’s what she should be doing instead then eh? Anything to get her the hell out of this competition.
The video fucks up again and again, so I’m not sure how much further it goes.
The performance show
Patrice – ‘Higher Ground’: Brooke announces that Patrice will be doing the RHCP’s version of the song, (surprise, surprise), and there’s a fuckoff big drum kit set up in the middle of the stage, so in case you missed the reality episode, it becomes pretty clear that T’Lee is going to be playing with her, and also playing the drums for Patrice. Heh. Patrice has her hair all done up in a fauxhawk, and looks a little bit like what I imagine how Geri Halliwell dressed when she thought she was auditioning for the lead in Tank Girl, but her vocals are strong, and her performance is good. Everyone goes crazy about T’Lee’s playing. It’s not like he’s spinning upside down or anything though.
Josh – ‘Santaria’: Josh is wearing a dumb hat and looks like a frat boy trying to look cool so he can score some weed. He misses his cue at the start of the song, and then does some beatboxing. What? I mean come on man, at least pretend that you want to win. Still, I like his version of the song much better than Sublime’s, but then again, I hate Sublime because they remind me of this guy I knew who used the dead singer as a role model, and that guy was an idiot. Although to his credit, magic fingers. And also Sublime reminds me of Paeroa and Gil, and that’s not a bad thing. But I don’t like Josh.
Dilana – ‘Can’t get enough’: For half a second, I think that she’s going to be singing Supergroove, but thankfully, she’s not. TWOP says this song is by Bad Company, and I kind of know it, but not really. Dilana goes through the crowd to sing to Supernova, and then hitches a ride on some guy’s shoulders back to the stage. I’m sure that was like, totally spontaneous and not planned at all or anything, really. Supernova go crazy for her, and Dave asks if she stole his pants while I look on in horror after realising that the shiny parts on her leather pants are actually mesh inserts. I’m sure she sang the song well and all, but dumb song. Nevermind. It’s not like Dilana’s going to be going home any time soon anyway, so I’m sure she’ll move me more next week.
Toby – ‘Pennyroyal tea’: I’ve given up crying over how often they do Nirvana songs, and will secretly admit to you – but only to you, because we’re like BFF, that I really like Toby’s arrangement of the song, because at least he’s not trying to be Kurt. The fact that he goes into the audience right after Dilana did it is commented on by Supernova, and then the camera cuts to a closeup of the random woman he hugged and we realise that him choosing to hug her wasn’t actually random, but rather that her boobs are so huge they have their own set of gravity and drew him in.
Zayra – ‘867-5309/Jenny’: I don’t know this song, but I do know that I saw the Yeah Yeah Yeahs less than a month ago, and consequently I really really do not appreciate Zayra being all in a gold leotard and hiding underneath a cape in a total and utter Karen 0 rip-off. She rolls and writhes around on the ground, and in another totally staged moment at the end Dave says he doesn’t know what to say so they cut to a commercial break. When they come back, Gilby says that he knows there was controversy about her staying instead of Phil last week, but she just demonstrated why they kept her around. That of course translates to “you’re batshit insane and we know you’re not going to win, but we’re waiting to see you come onstage in a g-string and bite the head off Brooke and play her intestines like a zylophone”.
Magni – ‘Clocks’: We talked about my dislike of Chris Martin when Lukas did ‘Don’t Panic’, so I expected to like Magni doing this song more, but he so can’t hit the high notes, and it’s kind of embarrassing. Before he sang they showed him seeing a video of his son walking for the first time and it makes me feel a little bit gooey, so I well up a bit when T’Lee announces that they’re flying Magni’s wife and baby over from Iceland. I expect her to walk out on stage, but luckily she doesn’t. Magni’s like “I’m going to go and cry now” and I’m all “I ❤ Magni" once more.
Jill – 'Don't you forget about me': There's no way that Emilio Estevez would pump his fist in the air while listening to this, let alone the coolness that is Judd Nelson. Jill's had crazylong extensions put in, forgetting perhaps that she's only four feet tall. She sings too high, and the band tell her off for it, and Gilby tells her once more that she's better than that. Really? Cos I have yet to see any evidence of her being better than anything – her version of 'Bring me to life' whooping Zayra's excepted.
Ryan – 'Losing my religion': Remember how this song was okay when it came out, and then Brenda played it over and over when she broke up with Dylan, and everyone knows that the only good thing that was ever repeated on 90210 was junior year? And now just how fucking annoying and whiney REM sound? Well, Ryan sounds nothing like that. He gets a grand piano wheeled out, and he tackles this song insanely well. He brings a whole new grunt and intensity to it, and everyone is floored. Ryan will most assuredly be getting the encore. I wonder if he’s the new Marty Casey in terms of slow-burning. All of the rockers’ blogs that mention his singing and his own songs outside of performances talk about fantastic he is, so maybe he could just be the one to watch.
Lukas – ‘Celebrity Skin’: Cutaways to Lukas during other people’s songs have seen him looking like he wants to cry the whole way through the show and I was wondering if it was emotional-caught-up-in-music-ness, or jealousy, or nerves, and now as he fucks up pretty much every single line in this song I know it was nerves. He turns his back on the audience a lot to try and cover up that he’s about to cry some more while he’s singing. You’re so off my Xmas card list, Lukas. I know that ‘Celebrity Skin’ is a particularly hard song to sing, based on my Singstar experiences with it, but seriously dude, the lyrics to this song are fucking awesome and are really quite applicable to anyone competing on a reality TV show, so how dare you stuff them up so badly? And what the FUCK is up with your red satin padded shoulder jacket? Bad bad bad. You’re bottom of the night for me, buddy, because I know you can do better.
Storm – ‘Changes’: she sings this like she’s in a caberet show, and the suit is quite a change from last week’s comic book girl look. The band love it. I’m a little meh about it.
Dana – ‘Baba O’Reilly’: Jordis sang this last year, and anything Jordis sings should be like, sacred or something, but I’m really impressed with Dana. She’s totally growing into her own skin in front of our eyes. I loved her doing Nirvana last year but thought that she was playing the role of a rockstar – this looks much more natural. Nice work.
Encore to Ryan, bottom three will be Jill, Zayra maybe and JoshorToby.