One blue line

Things that I have been up to lately:

  • Yesterday I had a stall at Craft 2.0 at the NewDowse and I had a fantastic time. I sold my mother’s pottery, my sugar scrub and zines BOYS BOYS BOYS BOYS BOYS, 101 Stories that I want to tell you and You’re SO entertaining, my brand-spanking-new zine that’s a guide to cooking and hosting any and every social occasion. I don’t think I talked about genitals even once in the whole 36 pages, so it’s a real step forward for me. My half-table was next to the lovely Miss Kimberley, and opposite the gorgeous Sue, the fabulous Martha and the dapper Mr Tibby, so it was good people all around, especially since fellow Wellingtonistas Alan and Mike came by. I sold over $200 of Mum’s stuff, which means that my comission on that plus the few zines I sold and the couple of tubs of sugar scrub meant I made $100 for myself. Nice work. Of course I was in it more for the experience than the money. It was strange to think that total strangers would pay money for my written words and I felt the need to give things away for free instead.

  • I lost my camera at the Buena Vista Social Club bar last week on a particularly amusing night out with D&D and Lisa, which sucks cos it means I lost photos of Dave trying to lick his own nipples. Oh, and of course it means that I don’t have a camera anymore. If you have one you don’t want, please feel free to donate it to the cause.

  • Speaking of causes, today in the much amount of time I spent in bed I finally got around to reading Bitch magazine and so I signed up for a subscription. I need to make sure that I happily call myself a feminist even if I don’t know all the names and all the theories. I still believe in equality and leveling the playing field, and making the lives of other women better. I found myself crying while reading a piece about striving for perfection and being much harder on yourself than you’d be on anyone else. And on that note I must go find my meds because I don’t know if I took them yesterday and that’s really not helping matters.

  • I have been feeling funny lately. Not funny ha ha, but funny like fucked up. And this is really fucking stupid. I should explain about my work situation right now because I’m aware that I’ve been really busy lately so some of you might not know what’s going on. My work situation right now is awesome. Those aren’t ironic italic tags either. I’ve got two weeks left on a six week contract as a web advisor, and they love me. They really love me, and they want me to stay, and they’re constantly giving me so much good feedback that when I said to my manager that it was freaking me out I was only half-joking – which I hope is more of a reflection on my previous work-places rather than my performance at other times. I would kind of like to take them up and stay, but instead, I have made the brave scary decision to go with the unknown, and move to another government department where I will be investigating new technologies and advising instead. For my job interview for this role I did a ten minute presentation on how the government could use YouTube. I’m really really excited about it, but kind of terrified. I made very long pros and cons lists, even though some of the cons for my current role were really lame, like the fact that there are three Jos on my floor which means I’m always turning around to find people aren’t talking to me. The public servants of the Wellingtonista ultimately proved to be very very helpful in making my final decision, so woo woo to them.

  • I’m drifting off course here but while I’m talking about the Wellingtonista I’ll say that hurray, we won the Quiz League that I organised, and that everyone who actually bothered to show up seemed to have a really good time. The Wellingtonista certainly got a lot of gossip out of it. Tucked-in tshirts and sparkly eyes were key features of our email list conversations. And while Wednesday mornings afterwards weren’t the easiest mornings of the day, I was still able to go to work, which is another indication of how awesome my job right now is.

  • And this is the hard bit to write about, although it’s been running through my head nonstop for the past while so I might as well get it out. I am not feeling right lately. It’s like I’m premenstrual to the extreme, without the physical symptons – there are no glass boobs here. And my period is missing, I haven’t had one since May. On Thursday night after stuffing giftbags at Martha’s I went to New World and bought a pregnancy test. The older woman working the checkout gave me a look of silent judgement, because I was in a hoodie and pigtails, so obviously I was a young whore, and not a married responsible mother. But come on, lady, I was buying cat food as well, not wine! If I was going to have a baby, I’d say that was a good sign of responsibility. But it turns out I’m not going to have a baby, which is a relief, because I have done a lot of drinking since May, and I wouldn’t have the strength of character to deal with a child who had foetal alcohol syndrome. But still the PMS-crazy persists, and I’m starting to crack under pressure. I’m hating on everyone, because I feel like pretty much everyone is letting me down. People fail to realise what’s important to me, and fail to see that the things I put effort into I put a lot of effort in to. Friends realising that they can hang out with my other friends without me in the middle and shutting me out of the loop entirely is my biggest fear. Lani’s moving out which means I’m looking for a new flatmate, and that destroys what I thought was me being in control of all aspects of my life at once, for the first time in ages, now that my career is on track. I’m worried that Smoo will move out too and that I’ll have to find all new flatmates, and we won’t gel and that life will get really difficult and I’ll be banished to my room sobbing into my pretty new black & white cotton bed linen. Luckily my attractiveness as an employee means that I’ll be financially snug enough to pay the rent for a while should I have to, but I don’t want it to come to that. I’m just feeling really really alone and really abandoned by everyone, pretty much, and my way of responding to that is to shut down more and more and retreat into myself and get my hackles raised more and more and oh, it is a stupid shitty cycle which I know I can tone down with more exercise and less booze, but that takes so much more effort. Today I made myself get out of bed to go for a swim, and I had to do it step by step before I could pull back the duvet – “Sit up. Put your hair in a ponytail. Unzip your hoodie. Stand up. Reach into the drawer and pull out your swimsuit. Pull on the top. Take off your pants. Pull on the bottom. Pull on your pants. Put on your hoodie. Grab a towel. Grab a chicklit book. Grab a bag”. And of course “Drive back and grab your goggles”. The feel of water all over me was awesome, what I’d been looking for, and the cardio burst was good. Driving back I was like “yay, I’m fixed!” but it was shortlived and I crawled back into bed after my shower to sleep for the rest of the afternoon. I’m wondering if it’s the change in my meds that’s leading me to feel like this (my doctor left and the new doctor wrote me a script for oval pills, not round ones. I know one’s the generic and one’s not, but I don’t know which) but mostly I just will continue to hope and pray that I get my bleed soon, and sort out my life. Because seriously, this disgruntlement with everyone is not cool,a nd I’m just terrified that it’ll continue and bleh, evil bad cycle. Why would people care about me if all I really want to do is punch them? But that said, people who’ve really impressed me this weekend are Dyl and Dave who came out to Craft2.0 all the way in the Hutt and they’re not really craft people, so they did it for me and that makes me super happy.

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