The Last Of

This morning as I waited for the lifts, I decided that the badong sound they make sounds an awful lot like the first note of this – the Clannad soundtrack to the Robin of Sherwood soundtrack. It is possible that I have ancient England on my mind as I’ve been reading The White Queen on my kindle in the bathroom as the followup to The Red Queen (and yes I know (now) I did that backwards) and that’s partly cos I’m a completist but also partly cos I’m looking for Game of Thrones origin stories (I just found a king’s whore having to march through the streets while everyone yells SHAME at her). But I should have put in a Youtube clip already. Okay here you go.

So, that’s a dude with CHEEKBONES FOR AFRICA running through the woods, looking all handsome while music plays. Remind you of anything? Hold that thought.

The guest wifi at work has been turned off so I can’t jump on it with my personal phone, and the work wifi blocks Spotify, and there are a number of people around me who have very loud phone calls, so I need to listen to music in order to get work done, so I’ve turned to Youtube. When I’m not delving into old Nick Cave (oh if only that was literal) I tend to head back to my yoof, and one of the CDs I loved the most, which I stupidly gave to my parents when I decided I was grunge or nothing, was the soundtrack to Last of the Mohicans. I saw it in Kyoto in… it must have been 1993 because it was spring, and I was wearing purple shorts and a huge baggy yellow shirt, and John Lennon sunglasses and folded over boots, and me right now wants to wear the fuck out of that outfit but also say to the me then “oh honey, you right now want to fit in and this is so not the way to do that”. I remember this outfit particularly clearly because my mother kept amazing scrapbooks of us, and i’d go take a snapshot of the photo right now, except Saj is asleep on the couch in my lounge and i don’t want to wake her up. Well honestly she slept through all the cannons and gunfire so she probably won’t wake up, but I don’t want to have to put on pants to find out.

Yes, cannons and gunfire. So coincidentally after my Robin Hood feelings this morning (yes I’m 80% gay but have you seeeeeeeeen those cheekbones?) I also ended up listening to the Last of the Mohicans soundtrack on Youtube though it’s INCORRECT because of course they’ve gone and rerecorded it and reorganised it and fuck that, the 1992 version is cannon.But honestly, name me a better fucking climatic song than the reel that unfolds as they leave the sachem. Seriously, I think you’d be hardpressed to find one but I would bloody LOVE to hear about great big dramatic pieces of music. Look, here’s the scene on Youtube, but if you haven’t already seen the movie yet, you should probably go watch it first so you don’t get spoilers. This is just to remind you of how great it is. I’m kitten-yelping at it now as I embed it even though I’ve just sobbed it out like an hour ago.

That is, as long as they’re great big dramatic music pieces that actually have substance, unlike Lana Del Ray’s ‘Young & Beautiful’. The last time I wrote a proper Hubris entry, I talked about Twin Peaks and now the revival is over I have a lot of feelings that I’m still processing, but for now you can read this Jo (the other one)-inspired Twitter rant about music that is 100% spoiler-free 

What I like about my writing is that even though it seems my mind is running all the obstacle courses and errands my body stays in one place for, and that it dashes off in many directions at all times, a theme emerges. I started this post just to talk about how good it felt to cry and cry and cry while watching Last of the Mohicans this evening with Saj or at least until she fell asleep, as I have done a dozen times before, but it’s ended up being a lot about nostalgia, and also how I struggle to express my feelings. You might be like, but Jo, damn, you never fucking shut up about your feelings, and of course you’re right. But the last time I updated Hubris I’d only just started seeing a girl and I had all these hopes that I was waiting to grow but it turns out that no, it wasn’t a good time, or I wasn’t right for her, or whatever, and that SUCKS. Like. It is just dumb. I don’t fall easy, because I fall hard. And this sucks.

So that sucked. And other things have sucked. Full moons and funny sleep patterns bring on self-loathing like noone’s business. Stuff spirals so easy, like you’re upset so you don’t clean, but then the house being unclean stresses you out, and your failure to clean it makes you believe you’re a failure so you shut down more, and then your deaf cat doesn’t stop screaming at you and then you yell at your deaf cat and then you’re a monster. And meanwhile the other cat keeps shitting on your lounge carpet so you ask the internet if anyone would like a new fur hat and then you cry because you don’t deserve to be loved. It’s a fun time.

But, there are plans in the future. Travel plans to Mexico with your #bestgirls Kini & Jo, then Seattle & Portland with KateB though all you’ve decided for definite about that is you won’t go to any breweries cos she doesn’t like beer . And there’s fun times when you get to borrow your friend Steph’s car for a week and suddenly simple chores like trips to the vet become a thousand times easier (Florence has lost 700g in a year, which given she only weighs 3.2kg now is a lot. And this is where some basic would be “eats all the time and doesn’t gain weight? sign me up!”).

I use the term “basic” all the time now like “fuck, you’re such a basic” any time someone gives their hot takes or has some boring opinions. I am still trying to rein in my language to cut out slutshaming etc, so this is useful to me. I’m not perfect, of course. I hate that when I want to refer to things in the olden days of my journal there will still be me being all gross about other stuff surrounding whatever it was that I was referencing, but a) I guess that’s what 19 years of history does, and b) I don’t want to get all revisionist history on myself. I fucked up, I should own it.

But oh, to circle back again – when Saj came over tonight, while we were waiting for our Thai food to be delivered before we started Mohicans, we decided on the theme for our Halloween party. This year, it will be at my house to cut down on the gastro risk so we’ll not have 9 people sick for days afterwards unlike last year. #Sajoween II: Sodom & Gomorrah is on Saturday 28 October, and you’re invited. Dress to the theme. And before that, party-vote Green.

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