Sunday 30; May, 1999

` email ` gbook ` i-seek-you ` handwriting
I didn’t like sleeping with Glen. It was a bad mistake.

Last night I freaked out majorly because of “umm stuff” that really shouldn’t have affected me so bad, but Simon was pitching a fit at me to get off the computer so he could play pokemon (in his defence, I’d stolen it out from under his nose, and he wasn’t to know I was upset). Because Karen was tucked up in my bed asleep, I had nowhere to go, except to the bed in the lounge, so I switched off the lights and lay there trying to cry quietly. Given that I had a cold anyway, it didn’t work too well. I had to keep getting up to go blow my nose. Which of course meant walking through the dining room. Si asked me what was wrong – I told him “nothing”. I couldn’t explain myself. Like, wtf was I supposed to say? “I’m fucked in the head and I need so desperatly not to be” ? I couldn’t sleep in that frame of mind – even if I wasn’t in the same room as the humming computer and tapping keyboard. I wanted my own space so I could have had a thoroughly deccent cry and made some actual noise, but because I couldn’t, I got up and played psx instead. Cool Boarders 2, not Tekken.

Eventually Si went to bed, so I rebooted up the computer, but no one was on. Ouch. Not even a virtual shoulder to cry on. Goddamit I’m a wussbag.

When I heard Leyton coming home, I snapped off the computer and went to back to the bed in the corner of the lounge. But he brought home his bogan friend Glen, and they crashed around for a bit, before Glen toppled onto the couch in the lounge, and Lurker started splashing around in the kitchen. I decided that there was no way I was going to be able to sleep with that hulabaloo, and I reaaaaally did not want to be in the same room as Glen. If someone’s snoring was going to keep me awake, it may as well be that of my sister’s. So I went and jumped into my own bed. (You didn’t really think I’d *slept* with Glen, did you?)

Karen was on MY side of the bed, bitch, and she wouldn’t move. She did, however, play with my stuffed animals (I have two – a bear and a dinosaur) a lot , making them pounce on me and shit, in a way that was highly reminiscent of someone else. Which was very very odd. We got all giggly and started singing bad songs from the eighties, and generally reminiscing, which was fun. It was like a slumber party or a family trip all over again. Only in MY bed, in MY house. Because I’m a grownup now. Sorta.

I didn’t sleep very well at all. She snored a lot. And breathed too fast, which was very offputting, because my breath automatically adjusted to hers, which was like hyperventilating for me. She complained in the morning that my breath was too slow so she almost had heartattacks. Oh diddums.

Anyways, today, Simon drove us to D72 for brunch, but couldn’t be bothered getting a free lunch. He came back an hour later to pick us up though, cos he’s a sweetie. Karen was like “why is he so nice?” Who knows?

So lunch was nice although Karen’s wrapp was nicer than mine. Very filling. I got a pen from them too. Then we came home and veged around for a while. She left just before six pm.

I feel real hollow now. Like, it’s not just that she’s gone, it’s everything else stacking up. I need things that I can’t vocalise. I still feel real seperate from my friends at tech. I miss friends who aren’t from Auckland. I miss him. I’m not sure what I should do at this point.

Stop whining prehaps? Good idea.


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