Tuesday May 23rd, 2000

You know how when the bottom drops out of your world you find yourself clutching at straws? That’s me. That’s the position I’m in. And I know it’s all for the better and everything, and this will make life simpler, but still, it hurts. But all vagueness aside, I was thinking a lot last night while I was unable to sleep, and this is what I was thinking. I’ve lost so many people out of my life, and I don’t know how or why I let them all go. People just drift away and I don’t hold on hard enough. Or time passes, or things happen. I miss so many people and things. I want them all back. I think.

I miss Beth, my best friend in Japan. She made me so happy because I knew I finally had a best friend at that horrible school, someone to talk to and laugh with. We wrote notes all the time about everything, and had code words for everyone. I miss Britteny, the Senior who was assigned to me to be my ‘big sister’. It was her that got me truely into the whole music thing, other than just MTV. She was from Seattle, you know. I miss the 150 minute tape she made me called ‘Jerry’, great music interspaced with amusing soundbites.

I miss Rosalie, who could always make me laugh at Onslow. I miss sitting in Classics writing notes to her, being the bane of Mrs. Berryman’s life, and how she was always in a cast from one mishap or another. I miss Ammy and her sweet guilable nature. I miss Michelle McClaren, although I went on the warpath against her in fifth form. She was so quick to befriend me when I was new to Onslow, and I repayed her by being a complete bitch. I miss talking about our hair with Nicola, consulting her on all things astrological, and then laughing with her obsession with guys and their cars. I miss Sarah & Penny and the whole Cyst thing we had going on, three best friends united against a common enemy – Room 5. I miss Samantha Loong, who always managed to be your friend and yet never take sides. I miss Katy Troop, who I was awful to as well in 5th form, but who I got much closer to later, through email and The Gathering. I miss Jess, and I miss Tamati, and I miss our little 4th form babies from our play. I miss the little fighting dramas between the Early Morning History people, and the fighting dramas with the room 5 people. I even miss Ms. Caldwell, and knowing I had the run of the whole school by seventh form.

I miss Hulita, and the Bridge Club. I miss the little dramas of #teen15+. I miss fighting with Tim Law. I miss playing mean games against a poor silly boy from Howick. I miss plotting with Fiona and swapping freak stories. I miss DCC chats nessecary to paste all the gossip from window to window. I miss my first IRC crush boy, and I don’t think I’ll ever see him again now the Xtra server is down. He said he’d climb mountains for me, and we were going to rule the world together. I miss that casual flirtation. I miss Mike, because he was always interesting to talk to, even though that turned into a mindfuck. I miss the Hamilton Boys, the mindfucking with Hugh. He always touched me when he was drunk, but I only wanted him if he was sober. I miss the hours of talking to Andee every single night in 1998, because we both wanted boys from the same flat. I miss our catchphrases. I miss going to the Outback with her and Ren, and their sexy neighbour Seaton, and their crazy little neighbour Chris. I miss Amy driving me in her car, making it bump to make me giggle. I miss her, I don’t ever talk to her anymore. I was so unsupportive of her and Neil because I just couldn’t comprehend then how you could keep on loving someone that hurt you that much. But I know now, and I just want to take back everything I ever said to her.

I miss the early Tutorial D elation, when we all went everywhere with each other and had to walk in convoy. I miss parties with Dee, and then staying the night at her house, waking up to the whole family thing, with clean sheets on the trundle bed, netball/soccer runs, and offers of breakfast being cooked for you. I miss hanging out with Pixie, talking about Wellington with her, going to a party out west running around Tripping in an orchard, chasing red candles. I miss seeing my Eye Candy on a daily basis and having it be so easy, having a crush from a distance and never feeling bad that it would go no further. I miss Jo 1998, writing long get-to-know-oneanother emails, the trip to Hamilton, frolicking in the woods behind my house. Things were so much simpler then, I want that back.

I miss the schoolgirl giggle I had throughout all of last April, blushing everytime my friends said a certain boy’s name. I miss how shy he was, and how sweet it was to finally get together with him. I miss that same elation I felt in December. I miss the Millenium Club. I miss Kini, although I still talk to her every day. I want to hang out with her more! I want to sit in laundries cleaning fridges at odd times of the morning, and laugh about UM, and use golden showers as a means to an end, and to actually not spend our phone conversations talking exclusively about how fucked up I am.

I miss Anji, hanging in Axolotl with her and her cool friends. I miss Karen, shopping with her and going to movies and just hanging out. I miss my cat. I even fucking miss my parents. Yes, I’m regressing. It’s just too scary to look ahead right now. I’ll quote myself here: “the only thing I do really well is love, and I only say that I do that well because it’s so complete and consuming”.

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